What if you are 20 years old, have a one-sided crush, and only like the feeling of being close and yet distant?

Let's talk about what it really means to be in a relationship.

Hello, I'm Liang Qingyou.

From what you've shared, it seems like you're someone with a keen and delicate sensibility, someone with a powerful sense of perception and a particularly high level of understanding.

You say you like the feeling of being distant. If someone likes me, they might have a little crush on me without me knowing. When they do, they're not interesting anymore, and I get annoyed just by seeing their messages.

When I read this, I thought of a cat-and-mouse game. It seems like you're saying, "I want you to know I'm attractive, that I can get what I want, and that once I've got it, the game is over. Don't think about anything else."

You also said that the other person has a good impression of you, which you find boring and even a bit disgusting.

It's a physical reaction. You don't want to get too close to the opposite sex, in other words, you don't want to establish a real intimate relationship with the opposite sex. Physical contact is not easy for you.

You also say that you're the active party in a relationship and that you're not passive. It seems like you enjoy the feeling of conquering the opposite sex.

But after being responded to, you'll discard it again, giving the impression that "in order not to be abandoned, I'll abandon you first."

A psychologist named Stenberg came up with a well-known three-part model of love. He says that all intimate relationships fall into one of three categories: passion, commitment, and intimacy.

Passion is a beautiful, intense experience that lasts for a short time after love has begun.

A promise is something you have to protect with all the resources at your disposal, including the law, morality, and even faith.

Closeness means being open and sharing personal details with someone. The closer the relationship, the more personal and in-depth the sharing becomes.

If you compare these three elements of love, it seems that you're still on the outside looking in. You're a little distressed by this, but you're not quite ready to take the plunge and find out what it's really like.

What should you do?

As I mentioned earlier, you're very perceptive. Once you realize how you originally view love, you might find that a real relationship is right around the corner.

Hello!

It's hard to give advice on liking the feeling of being distant in just 200 words. I hope we can chat and see more possibilities when you're troubled by this.

People have different attachment patterns.

The things you talked about in the article are called "attachment patterns." Attachment is a social and emotional connection between a baby and its mother. Different people have different attachment patterns, which affect how they get along with others as adults.

You like it when others take the initiative, but you feel comfortable only when you are away from them. This may be an example of avoidant attachment. About 20% of people have this attachment style, and they have similar feelings in intimate relationships as you do.

[Common signs of avoidant attachment]

People with avoidant attachment have the same conflicted feelings as you when it comes to relationships. They want to be close to the people they like, but they are also afraid of losing their independence. They are even worried that if they become too attached, they may face the pain of being abandoned. Therefore, in a relationship, showing a sense of distance will make you feel safe. Once the other person shows a positive response to your emotions, you will feel uneasy and repelled.

[You can only face challenges by facing yourself.]

You know your own behavior well. You think it might make it hard for you to have a stable, long-term relationship. You've come here to get help. There's no good or bad in different attachment patterns. You can use your strengths to gradually trust each other and express your feelings.

It may be hard for you to open up. Don't worry, you still have plenty of time at 20.

I hope the original poster finds love and gets out of singledom.

It would be beneficial to provide the questioner with a supportive gesture, such as a hug. I can discern distress in the questioner's heart. For a 20-year-old adult, it is crucial to establish a solid and stable intimate relationship with the opposite sex to fulfill their needs.

The questioner experiences an indescribable, uncomfortable feeling about this intimate relationship, which affects his ability to establish an emotional intimate relationship with the opposite sex. His self-needs cannot be satisfied as desired, which creates a sense of discomfort.

The questioner perceives favorable impressions from others as meaningless, boring, and disgusting. This perception is akin to a thorn in the questioner's heart, constantly reminding them of their inability to form intimate emotional relationships with those who hold favorable impressions of them. This perception of intimacy leads to the instinctive avoidance of opportunities to establish such relationships, a behavior that serves to enhance the questioner's sense of security and comfort.

The questioner later stated that they would become irritated when they saw someone who had a crush on them sending them messages. It is important for the questioner to become aware of what this irritation is expressing. This irritation is almost an instinctive reaction of the questioner's ego and is not a reaction that comes after calm thought. In other words, before someone sends a message to the questioner, the questioner already has these irritations deep down inside, but they are only stimulated by other people's messages and then triggered. It is essential for the questioner to deeply perceive when these irritations enter their mind and become instinctive.

To resolve this issue, it is essential to address the underlying cause, which is often a deeply embedded issue. This requires an in-depth understanding of the questioner's original family environment, particularly the dynamics between the parents. This is a complex matter that cannot be adequately addressed in a few sentences. It is therefore advisable to seek the guidance of a qualified psychological counselor.

Hello, question asker!

I have read your question carefully and I am going to answer it.

I suspect you don't want this, but you don't know what to do.

I'm happy to share what I know with you. I'm confident it will be of some small help.

1. Don't label yourself too quickly.

The first thing I want to tell you is:

You're 20 years old and have never been in a relationship. This means you're going to experience a lot of confusing and contradictory things about intimate relationships. But you'll get through it. It's all part of the process of exploration.

We like other people, but we also reject intimacy.

Let me be clear:

You like something very much, and when you finally have it, you suddenly stop liking it.

It is also a sign of a lack of experience in relationships, which causes discomfort in the early stages and subsequent worries.

You should feel this way: with someone you like and who makes you feel safe.

You don't worry about being hurt.

You'll only stick around as long as you get a response from others.

This can also be very painful for oneself. It may even appear to others as though one is a "stuck-up" or a scumbag, even though one does not want to be like that.

You're right—way to go!

This doesn't make us bad people. It just shows that we may lack the ability to be loved.

We don't know how to build intimate relationships.

We have formed a pattern, and it needs to change.

Like others, you're more focused on getting recognition and approval for your attractiveness than building a relationship.

When they find out that the other person has a crush on them, they end the relationship.

You should say, "I like you, you don't know it."

If others are slightly nicer to you, you will feel that you are beyond the safety distance of friends. This will inevitably lead to feelings of hatred and disgust towards others.

This is our problem.

We can change as long as we recognize it.

2. Take control and sort out your own family of origin, growth experience, and rebuild a secure attachment.

This is directly related to our own family of origin.

You can clearly see how your parents got along with each other and how they were with you.

Do you long for your parents' love but also fear that they will leave?

On the one hand, there is a clear desire for intimacy. On the other hand, there is also a strong avoidance.

This is avoidant attachment.

Avoidant attachment is defined as avoiding the care and intimacy of others.

If you lack a sense of security, distrust intimacy, and don't believe you can have a stable relationship, you will know.

Recognizing our possible attachment patterns is the key to healing.

Efforts are made to develop a secure attachment.

You can accept yourself, trust yourself, and accept others. You can enjoy close relationships.

However, it will take a long time to establish a secure attachment.

This requires methods and the building of new experiences.

For example, you should seek psychological counseling or have a partner who is understanding and tolerant.

3. Find a method that works for you.

We now understand this behavior in our cognition, and we know that we are caught in this cycle.

When we establish a secure attachment, everything changes.

You can also explore more on your own.

For example, are you a student yourself?

You need to ask yourself: are you still not independent?

Tell me, apart from being confused in love, how are you getting on with friends or with your family?

Don't blame yourself for forming this pattern.

This is a kind of protection or stress response for us.

Understand why you are like this, reconcile with yourself, and learn to love yourself.

Then learn to love others.

Express your distress to someone you trust. Let them help you. Build intimacy.

Just share these things.

Read The Family of Origin and Love Needs Work if you want to know more.

Best wishes!