What is the difference between a demanding child and a spoiled child?

Hello, dear questioner! I am Shushan Wenquan. Let's learn to be our own spiritual gardeners and watch over the spring blossoms and autumn fruits together!

After reading your description of your child, I understand that you're feeling a bit confused right now. It's totally normal! Your child is over three years old and has just started kindergarten, so it's understandable that they're going through some emotional and behavioral changes. As a mother, you understand that these behaviors are related to anxiety about starting kindergarten and you want to give your child more attention and reassurance. On the other hand, you're worried that excessive satisfaction may lead to "spoiling."

So, you're wondering if you could gain a deeper insight into your child's behaviour, such as whether they are a high-demand child? And how you can give them the right amount of "unconditional positive attention" to interact with them better?

As someone who works in education, I'd love to share my thoughts on this with you.

First of all, I think it's really important to understand that your child's emotions and behaviors are a result of the nursery anxiety plus the order sensitivity period, rather than the high demand. I'll explain why in a moment.

1-You mentioned that these behaviors only came up after your little one had been in kindergarten for about a month. It's totally understandable that they're feeling a bit anxious or regressing a bit at this stage.

These behaviors tend to be more pronounced in high-demand babies before they reach the age of three.

2-You say that your child is "sensitive and extremely patient" and that she will "accept and tolerate" going to kindergarten rather than crying endlessly, which shows that the parent-child attachment she has formed with you is a secure one. This is great news! It means that the "anxiety about entering kindergarten" is not as serious as you think.

3. From the things you've told me about your little one, it seems like she's going through a really sensitive period when it comes to order. She gets upset when we say the wrong thing, for example, and she doesn't want the toys on the blanket picked up. She also doesn't want to throw away the tissue she used to blow her nose. It's so cute how she cares about the details and wants to be perfect and independent!

The sensitive period of order is a very special time when young children are really sensitive to order. This is when they start to understand the idea of harmony and unity between things in space and time. They can see it in the way things move and the way they fit together. They can see it in balance, proportion, symmetry, rhythm, and rhyme.

If you'd like to learn more, we'd love to point you to this great article: Seize the sensitive period for order and cultivate your baby's sense of organization (baidu.com).

Secondly, when you're playing with kids who are over three, it's really important to focus on the relationship between love, freedom, and rules. This helps kids feel loved while also learning to be disciplined.

1-It's totally normal for kids to feel a little nervous when they first start kindergarten or after a long vacation. It's important for parents to trust that their little ones can adapt and not show anxiety themselves.

It's also a great idea to chat with your child's teacher to get a better idea of how she's doing at kindergarten. When you get home, be sure to ask your little one about all the happy things or things that need help at school. Let her know that no matter where she is, her parents love her and are always thinking of her. Together, you can create a wonderful impression of kindergarten life.

At the same time, for rules such as self-care behaviors required by the kindergarten, such as eating, going to the toilet, and going to bed, it's a great idea to try to maintain "home-school co-education" as much as possible. Let her do things for herself and encourage her to feel that doing these things for herself is a sign of growing up and a happy expression.

It's so important to remember that our little ones are still little at home, even though they're growing up fast! If we tell them they have to grow up in kindergarten, they'll start to feel like they're too big for home. Let's make sure they know that they're still our little ones at home, and that they can stay small there as long as they want!

Finally, for some "picky" and order-sensitive behaviors at home, give her more autonomy. After all, if it doesn't harm anyone and helps her to grow and develop in the long term, then it's a great idea to give her what she wants!

For example, if she pronounces a word incorrectly, it's a great idea to pay attention to what the word is and then make sure she doesn't say it wrong next time. If you can, it's also a good idea to observe why she is so sensitive to that word.

You can also develop related play activities based on this word. If your little one is having trouble putting away toys, it's okay! Don't worry if they refuse to do it.

Instead, help her get ready for storage and let her put things away in her own order.

If you're having trouble with a certain behavior, don't worry! You can start introducing new routines gradually. For instance, when it comes to feeding, you can negotiate with your child. You can feed her at noon and she can feed herself at night, or you can feed her a little first and then she can feed herself.

The parents totally get what she needs and show her lots of love while helping her learn new things (like taking care of herself better).

It's also important to remember that every child is different, and what one child may find frustrating, another may not. For example, some children may cry when they don't get their way, but this doesn't necessarily mean they're trying to get their own way. It's about understanding their perspective and trying to find a solution that works for everyone.

If it's something you can do without causing harm to anyone else, then go for it! If it's unavoidable, parents can step in with actions, not words.

For example, help her find ways to do things that interest her more.

At the same time, she is gently encouraged and trained to express her needs in words. She is told, "If you need something, you can tell mommy/teacher how you feel, instead of crying."

Children under the age of 6 are going through so many changes! It's important to view them from a developmental perspective. Try to focus less on problems and more on their needs. Passive intervention is okay, but active guidance is even better. Let them choose more, and encourage them to understand the rules of real life.

In a nutshell, when we indulge our little ones, we're basically saying that they're in charge and we're the ones following their lead. It's like they're becoming less and less useful. But here's the thing: unconditional attention is the purest form of love a parent can give their child. Right now, parents and kids are growing up together, loving each other and helping each other to become stronger.

I wish you all the best and a happy family life!

I don't have a lot of theoretical experience in child-rearing, but I am also a mother. So I'll give you my opinion on your child's situation.

Your child has only been in kindergarten for half a month, and these issues have already come up. From what I can tell, it's probably because she's feeling insecure when she's suddenly surrounded by so many strangers, teachers, and classmates (and there's also the possibility that she doesn't like some of them) in a new environment, away from the people, things, and living conditions she's used to. In general, if parents give her lots of love and attention, spend more time with her after school, and talk to her about her day at school, and if the teachers at school pay attention to her, she'll probably start to feel better after getting used to the new environment, especially if she has a favorite teacher and friends at kindergarten.

This should all be over pretty quickly.

You're right to feel conflicted. There are so many regressions, overdependence, and attempts to get one's way through crying. You're worried that if you give in to everything, your child will develop bad habits and have trouble in the future. But seeing your child like this, you feel sad, right?

All mothers are like this. You can think things through and find a solution, which is great.

If I were in your shoes, I'd go along with my kid when she has an extreme emotional outburst until her emotions calm down. After all, she's only 3, so she doesn't understand reason very well and her emotional control is still at a basic level. Once her emotions have subsided, I'd tell her how much mommy and daddy love her and that it's because they love her that they're sending her to kindergarten to meet new friends and teachers, so that more people will like her.

Try talking to your child from this perspective. I think she'll be more receptive.

Also, your child behaves very well at home on weekends, being reasonable and cheerful. This is because being at home on weekends restores her to her previous familiar environment and patterns, so she is happy. Also, I am a little worried that you are anxious about your child's state of mind, and I think the root cause of this anxiety is that your child is not obedient enough.

Here's a tip: Don't make your child too obedient. It's good to let them have reasonable arguments, but it's also good for them to gradually recover their emotions under the guidance of adults. Give your child enough room to be naughty and spoiled.

She's building her sense of security by acting out. Don't make your child the most sensible one.

This is my experience. Even though my kids are already pretty grown up, I used to be really proud of how sensible they were. Now I realize that a crying child gets milk, and a sensible child is really hard to deal with.

Your child is only three years old and is already doing very well. There's no need to worry. Just take your time!

Your description is spot on. I feel the same way.

Our baby will be three years old in a month. He was sent to a private kindergarten early because no one in the family can take care of him. It has been three and a half months.

I don't have much experience parenting, but I'm confident in my observations.

1. The baby is a highly sensitive child with great comprehension and adaptability. The teacher confirmed on the first day of kindergarten that he was adaptable and that after crying for a while, he stopped. He entered the class and drank water and ate fruit with the other children on the first day.

However, when he saw me open the door and come in, he hid far away. When I went over to him and told him I wanted to hug him, he resisted.

When I came out after getting changed to hug him, he wrapped his arms tightly around my neck, obviously afraid that I would leave. I didn't say anything, but I gave him a reassuring pat on the back.

Once he had calmed down, he cried and said, "Mommy's gone, Daddy's gone, and no one else is coming..."

On the second day of kindergarten, the teacher forcibly removed his wet diaper. I made it clear that I expected the kindergarten to give him time to adjust, but they didn't. It's possible that this was for the sake of unified management, and the teacher responded that the baby cooperated very well.

Upon returning home, he refused to allow anyone to touch his pants or hug him. Instead, he sat alone on the TV table, crying.

I told the teacher what I had seen, and she was shocked because he had really adapted well to the kindergarten. At the same time, she told the father not to be too anxious.

This is separation anxiety. He hides his emotions in the park and needs to compensate and release when he gets home. In this release, there is also a trace of twisted "revenge." You can really see that he is a different person.

Now that she has been in kindergarten for almost four months, her emotions have basically stabilized. I can clearly feel that she is consistent inside and out. This is a normal state of affairs, but I have only truly let my guard down.

I'm going to share some key points with you about how to support your child during the period of adaptation to kindergarten.

1. He must go to school unless he is sick. Don't ask for leave. This will speed up his adjustment.

2. The child's emotional expression at home is not a matter of principle. Therefore, just let her be. Wait until she is willing to speak and then guide her to say it. As long as she can say it, the matter will pass.

3. Positive attention is a must, but you must also firmly say no to selective issues.

The child is young, but he understands and perceives things in a way that is truly impressive. He can grasp any language you use and can even read your expressions to see what you intend to convey. It's remarkable.

Trust me, she acts up because she really needs an outlet.

I'm Yanningning, and I hope this helps.

Hello, I'm Qu Huidong, a counselor who uses images to explain things.

The mother is observant and reflective. Her child has just started kindergarten, and this is separation anxiety. It is not serious, but it is related to the parents' feelings.

Your child seems to be a high-need baby. She only shows anxiety and regression during the first few days of kindergarten, and she improves by the weekend. Even if she doesn't want to go, she still insists on going. My child was also an easy-going baby in the years before kindergarten.

Parents like their babies to be well-behaved and easy to take care of. When they notice their babies becoming unruly and willful, they find it hard to accept. Every child experiences separation anxiety when they start nursery school. It varies in length from child to child. There is no standard for this. All parents can do is be patient and stay by their child's side.

I'll answer the first question: the difference between indulging and unconditional positive attention. How should we accompany?

Spoiling means indulging. It can also mean unconditional love. But here, the word positive is missing. Let's talk about the word "spoiling." Chinese characters are really vivid. Unconditionally tolerating all the child's actions is like dipping the child into warm water little by little. It's like the frog in the pot of water. The child feels very comfortable and gradually loses the ability to act for themselves.

Unconditional positive attention focuses on the positive. There is a difference between positive and positive in response to negative. I would translate positive as active. Parents' love for their children is unconditional. No matter what the child does, we will always be parents. What we can give the child is love.

Let's look at how to pay positive attention. You may have seen the phrase "gentle but firm." It seems contradictory, but it is not difficult to put into practice. When the child cries, you have to firmly throw away the tissue. When the child notices and cries, you can hug and comfort them. Babies over the age of three will start to struggle, so you have to hold them even more firmly. You don't need to reason with them or say anything to comfort them, just hold them. This process may last for three or five minutes. The child will feel the stability, gentleness, and non-rejection of the parent and slowly calm down. Then we can talk to her about what just happened.

This goodbye is important to her. Going to kindergarten is one of those things in life that is a small separation. When she can accept these things, she will be able to enter society.

You may think it's hard to hold her while she calms down. It is! Be gentle but firm. Also, be aware of your feelings. This is good for you.

You are a smart mom. Get help from your family. Together, you can help your child learn to live on their own.

If you have any other parenting questions, we can talk more through counseling.

Best wishes!