What is the essential difference between interpersonal relationships built to please and those built to be accepted?

Hello!

What an intriguing question! What is the difference between a relationship built on pleasing others and one built on acceptance?

Flattery is based on the premise of sacrificing one's own feelings, and the interpersonal relationships established in this way are unstable. But there's another way! The lack of boundaries and principles in these relationships lays the foundation for future risks in the development of the relationship. But there's another way! On the other hand, accepting the established relationship can lead to a deeper connection. Not only is the connection between the individual and the self in a healthy state, but the relationship with others is also stable and healthy. Therefore, the future development of the relationship will be more stable and positive.

So, here's the deal: It's time to start building a relationship based on acceptance. No more sacrificing your feelings and continuing to interact with people who make you feel bad. Sure, it might not seem like a big deal in the short term, but think about it this way: All those pent-up emotions are going to catch up with you eventually. They're just too much for the body to handle! So, let's start taking care of ourselves emotionally. Because, let's face it, taking care of our emotions is actually the key to maintaining our overall health.

When you meet friends who cannot accept you or identify with you, don't feel inferior. It's time to believe that people with the same frequency will definitely support us, give us a firm belief, and try to express our inner thoughts. We must know that everyone has gone from not being good at expressing themselves to becoming good at it. As long as we dare to take the risk of being rejected, after all, no one is a RMB note, and it is impossible for everyone to be liked by everyone. Seeking common ground while reserving differences is the best way to get along peacefully!

Second, I suggest that the questioner grow themselves by learning about interpersonal relationships, and accept the uncertainty in life at their own pace and in the flow of things. At different stages, the people around us are different, and the feelings generated in the same environment will be similar. Therefore, the more we grow, the more loneliness we will inevitably encounter. But don't worry! Pay more attention to the things you love. As you enjoy the things you choose to love, you will slowly open up to yourself, absorb strength, and gradually be able to let go of the worries and regrets in life, and instead be able to look at yourself positively and improve your sense of self-identification.

Finally, think in reverse and give yourself a big, positive evaluation. For any one thing, different evaluations can be generated, which will also lead to different feelings. Just like the two sides of a coin, it depends on what kind of mentality you use to treat it. I always encounter evasive people, perhaps because I appreciate more of a certain trait of this type of person. It's just that gradually I discovered that there is also a part of them that doesn't suit me. But that's okay! In the future, I will be able to find more and more certainty about myself, and with comprehensive experience, I will find friends who are a better match. Oh, and it could also be a work of art such as "music", "books", "paintings"... Friends are not limited to a group of people, they can be anything at the moment!

So, what is it that you really love right now? I'm sure you will find the answer in time!

Best of luck, and keep up the amazing work!

Hello!

Host:

I'm Zeng Chen, a heart exploration coach. I've read your post and I'm excited to help you with your doubts!

I'm so impressed by the host's courage in expressing their distress and seeking help on the platform. This will undoubtedly help them gain a deeper understanding and recognition of themselves, allowing them to make positive adjustments.

Next, I'm thrilled to share my observations and thoughts from the post, which I'm confident will help the poster view themselves from a more diverse perspective.

1. Let's explore the amazing benefits flattery has brought you!

From the post, we can see that the poster mentioned your own flattery. This is a great example of how our behavior is an external manifestation of our mental activity from a psychological point of view.

So, our behavior is motivated! There's a need behind it.

Then we can have a great discussion about the needs behind our own flattery together!

Let's dive in and explore the needs behind the need to please! We'll discuss the amazing "benefits" that pleasing others brings to you, even if you're not aware of them.

The original poster might want to reflect on what feelings they experience during the process of pleasing and giving. In particular, what feelings do we experience when we are recognized by others after pleasing them? It would be so interesting to find out!

Such exploration can often help us find the amazing benefits that pleasing others brings! And behind these benefits are often our needs. Once we find our inner needs, we will also understand our own actions!

2. Delve into the fascinating world of defense mechanisms!

In the post, the host mentioned that I've also found myself avoiding things, such as progress and intimacy, for fear of being hurt. I was hurt by an unsuitable man when I became an adult, and it's related to my pleasing personality.

Now for the really interesting part! After reading this information, I want to discuss the defense mechanism.

Our defenses are there to protect us, and they're pretty amazing! They help us avoid intimacy when we're afraid of being hurt.

[Because I have had such an experience], the original poster mentioned avoiding progress. What do you think is the reason for this? I'd love to share my opinion!

Some people avoid progress, but there are so many reasons why that's a good thing!

Because if progress is hindered or unsuccessful, it can really knock your self-esteem.

So they simply don't make progress. But that's okay! This gives them a reason to keep going.

You've got this! The reason you haven't made progress is that you haven't done it. But if you do it yourself, you can do it yourself!

This may create an illusion that I can do it at the mental level. Therefore, the host may want to explore this area, which is a great idea!

This kind of exploration is a great way to gain a deeper understanding of yourself!

3. The difference between a pleasing and an accepting relationship

I see that the original poster asked about the difference between a pleasing and an accepting relationship. I'm excited to share my understanding!

Have you ever wondered why we try to please others? It often has to do with how much we approve of ourselves!

The more a person approves of himself, the less he will try to please. Because he believes he is valuable—and that's a great thing!

The absolute best part of a relationship is the exchange of value!

When you believe you are valuable, it means you can provide value to others. And that's a great thing! It means you won't try so hard to please.

But a relationship based on pleasing others is, in a way, an unequal relationship. It's a relationship in which one party is superior and the other inferior.

Absolutely! Accepting relationships are actually equal relationships.

On the one hand, it is the acceptance of oneself, and on the other hand, it is the acceptance and respect for the other person. It means embracing all of your own good and bad points, as well as those of the other person.

The more you accept yourself, the higher your sense of self-worth will soar!

I really hope these words have been helpful and inspiring for you!

Hello, I am 羯傲不寻.

I have carefully read the problems and confusions you described on the platform, and I understand the kind of psychological entanglement and confusion you are feeling right now. You say that you are an introvert by nature and that your parenting style is safe, but you are often hurt by people who avoid confrontation. You try to please them when you get along with them, and in this way you try to establish harmonious interpersonal relationships.

Avoidance only leads to a lack of harmony in your relationships.

I'm going to tell you what the essential difference is between relationships built on pleasing others and those built on acceptance.

Let's analyze and sort out your doubts.

There is a clear distinction between a pleasing personality and an accepting personality.

Let me be clear: being a pushover is a personality disorder. It's a passive way of catering to others at the expense of your own interests. I'll say it again: establishing good interpersonal relationships with others does not mean being a pushover. It means treating others sincerely and equally.

Don't try to please others. It will only make them look down on you more. Don't compromise. It's not desirable, and it's uncertain. You can never tell when the relationship will sour. In the long run, you will have a lot of internal conflict, which will drain a lot of your internal energy. The accepting approach is different. You accept the other person's good and bad points as they are. At least during the process of getting along, everyone is an equal and independent individual. Your excellence and value, as well as your character, are all accepted by the other person. Such interpersonal relationships are very stable and long-lasting.

2. You must establish the right way of getting along.

It doesn't matter if it's a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a family bond: the key to a good relationship is to learn to accept, respect, and understand. While accepting the other person, you should also accept yourself as you are. You're aware of yourself and your needs, and you're ready to confront the issue head-on. However, a confrontational strategy will only cause you to lose a harmonious relationship. It's a temporary fix, but it won't help you in the long run.

3. You see other people as you see yourself.

You see the bad side of yourself in others, so you instinctively want to avoid it and not get hurt. This is a manifestation of repressing your emotions. You have to rely on yourself to grow up and become stronger. You must learn to accept both the good and the bad in yourself, accept all your negative emotions, and adjust your state of mind. At the same time, don't force your wishes on friends. Learn to respect and understand them.

4. The secure and avoidant types can complement each other.

Avoidant types are sensitive and insecure by nature. As long as the person is right, the two can get along well and have a complementary relationship. You can give the other person a sense of security, and they will no longer want to avoid or push you away. The premise is simple: you must be able to meet his emotional needs, and you will no longer be hurt.

You must learn to pay more attention to your own needs.

Change your mindset. Realize that pleasing others is harmful. Stop pleasing others immediately. Pay more attention to your own needs when getting along with others. Treat friends according to your ability. Don't pursue perfection in everything. Turn your attention to yourself.

I hope my answer helps. The world and I love you. ?

Hello, questioner! I'm Qingqing, your social worker.

I understand your confusion and helplessness, and I can feel your desire to change. I hope my analysis answers your questions.

(1) I understand the questioner's feelings. When we try to please others, it also reflects our need for friendship. But this can lead to hurt. When we avoid commitment, we can't give others a sense of security. This makes it hard to establish a lasting friendship.

(2) The questioner can also try to understand and think with me through the method of line diagrams. There are many ways to establish interpersonal relationships. If they are expressed in the form of lines, then ingratiation and avoidance are at the two extremes.

(3) Interpersonal relationships are a two-way process. Either you try to please someone or you avoid them. Either way, it's almost always one person doing all the work. The other person will feel insecure, and the relationship will be short-lived. What advice can you give the questioner? In relationships, you can take the initiative. Being proactive is different from trying to please someone. Just do what you want to do and change it based on the other person's feedback. Don't be nervous, just relax and be yourself!

Come on!

Good luck! (Yi Xinli Whale Social Worker)