What should I do about my cousin always comparing me to him? Is it normal to be afraid that he will outperform me in high school?

Hello there, question asker!

You mentioned projective identification, so I did some research on Baidu and read about the concept and the four types of projective identification. I also saw an example of projective non-identification, which was really interesting!

It's totally normal to feel a bit worried that your cousin is comparing you and that he'll do better than you in high school. It's also totally understandable to feel like you're projecting your own fears onto your cousin.

You two are cousins and often bump into each other. Since you are often together and similar in age, it is only natural that you will compare. It can be a bit annoying when a cousin often uses that kind of attitude in everyday games and other competitions, but it's nothing you can't handle!

We all want to be better than others, don't we?

Do you ever find yourself comparing yourself to others? I'm curious, have you ever compared yourself to your cousin?

His current grades are pretty good, especially compared to your junior high school grades! It's important to remember that comparisons between different time periods aren't really fair, so don't worry about that. You're doing great!

It's totally normal to feel uncomfortable with your current high school grades. It's also likely that your family members have a relatively low opinion of you, which can be really tough to hear. Have you accepted their low opinion of you?

You say there's a reason for your grades slipping a bit in high school. Since you know what that reason is, I'm sure you can push through and do a little better! You can take a look at Erikson's theory of personality development in eight stages, which includes the adolescent stage.

This is the perfect time for you to think about who you are and how you fit in.

It doesn't matter when or who, or even if it's your parents. You should never agree with others' low opinions. You are a normal person with both strengths and weaknesses. You have your own unique strengths, and you are someone who deserves to be loved.

You have to see the good and beautiful side of yourself, and keep doing it!

You have every right to refuse and to decide not to agree with others. You can make this decision as gently and as firmly as you like.

If you don't want him to compare you, you can simply refuse to be compared. It's okay to say no! You just have to think about how to refuse in a way that minimizes the harm to your cousin.

It's totally normal to compare yourself to others when you're living in society. It can be a bit uncomfortable, but that's okay! Just be yourself. In the future, you'll probably compare yourself to your past self. If you've improved at all, give yourself a big pat on the back!

I really hope you have lots of lovely memories of every stage of your life!

Hello, host. I'll answer your question again. From what you've said, it seems like your cousin often talks about and compares your junior high school grades and exam rankings with your own.

You did well in junior high school, but your grades dropped significantly in high school, so you're pretty annoyed. You know better than to compare your current grades with your past grades in junior high school. For example, when I play ball games or chess, the other person is usually not very happy.

In life, communication between people involves both competition and cooperation. Adolescence is a stage in which people want to prove themselves and show what they're capable of. It is also a relatively normal phenomenon for peers to compete with each other. When you compare yourself to others and encourage each other, it helps you improve your learning ability and academic performance in middle school. It also helps you develop skills and methods for solving problems and difficulties. You feel annoyed because your cousin's efforts have exerted a certain pressure on you. Everyone doesn't want to be defeated by their own competitors. So when you feel the strong pressure from your competitor, you instinctively reject the existence of your opponent.

It's still pretty ridiculous that he's comparing his current junior high school grades to yours from years ago. I make changes to the curriculum and exam syllabus pretty often, so his current results and rankings aren't really comparable to yours from back then.

Your competitors are your classmates. You can also compare your current performance with your past performance.

If you make a scientific and reasonable comparison, you can improve your grades in a more targeted way. If you explain this to him, it will also promote healthy competition between you. I'm happy to have an appointment on 1983. Thanks, and have a great day!

Good morning, Thank you for your question.

I have carefully reviewed your inquiry and can appreciate the confusion you are currently experiencing. I extend my support and encouragement.

You are currently in high school, while your cousin is in junior high. Both of you are undergoing puberty, a period of significant physical and psychological changes. Puberty can be confusing, and it often leads to a range of unexpected situations.

You and your cousin are currently facing a challenging situation. Initially, you expressed concern about your cousin's academic performance, which has unfortunately led to the current circumstances. This has caused you to become deeply invested in this matter. At times, you find yourself questioning your initial actions, asking, "Why did you do it in the first place?"

Have you considered this possibility? Adolescent children are full of energy and have a lot of vitality. They are very prone to comparison with each other. I have this thought: You came here to ask a question about your cousin, but is there a hidden subconscious mind behind this?

This line of thinking stems from the perception that your current situation is less favorable than your experience in junior high school. This has led to feelings of discomfort and the tendency to compare yourself to others. It can also be said that your current focus is on your academic performance, which is causing you concern.

In this situation, when you met your cousin again, compared your junior high school grades, and saw his various performances when playing chess and cards with him, you became more and more uncomfortable and worried. Fortunately, you have those excellent junior high school grades, and I believe your cousin may be following your example. I consider it a positive outcome that he is following your example and that she has sufficient motivation to study in junior high school.

I believe that, at a fundamental level, you also hope that your cousin will perform well in her studies. However, you are concerned that she may outperform you in high school, which is a perfectly understandable concern. It is therefore unsurprising that you have identified this as an issue. Furthermore, I am in strong agreement with your assessment of this projection identification. It is evident that both you and your cousin have a strong desire to win, which is a typical characteristic of adolescents in puberty.

However, we must also learn to manage this desire to win. You have a strong sense of self-awareness, which is commendable. I must commend you for seeking scientific insight on this matter.

I am confident that you, with your scientific approach, will be able to adjust your mood and develop a positive relationship with your cousin.

What is the optimal approach to achieve this outcome? I would like to offer my perspective.

I believe that attempting to persuade your cousin to cease comparing herself is an ineffective strategy. The responsibility for change lies with us. Can we adopt this mindset now?

The issue at hand is improving your ability to learn effectively in high school. This is not about comparing yourself to your cousin, but about your future academic performance. You had excellent grades in junior high school, which provides a solid foundation.

Now that you have identified your cousin as a source of comparison, I believe you have a clear understanding of the factors contributing to your declining grades in high school. Our objective is to address these factors and facilitate a return to the academic performance levels you achieved in junior high school, which will allow you to excel in high school.

It is my understanding that the objective here is to develop your character through repeated engagement in chess and card games. I do not believe that your cousin consistently emerges victorious in these games.

It is important to recognize that both parties must emerge victorious on occasion. The presence of a winner and a loser is inevitable, and it is crucial to ensure that both parties feel comfortable with the outcome. Your current attitude towards your cousin suggests that when you win, you will not emulate his behavior. This demonstrates your role as an exemplary older brother and highlights the value of your position.

I believe that if you treat him with kindness and understanding, he will reciprocate. He may initially continue to make comments about your hygiene, but with your continued patience and support, he will eventually stop. As an older sibling, can we play with him frequently and encourage him to participate in activities together?

I believe this to be the case. If you can resolve the issue of internal projection in your relationship with your cousin, I believe it will have a positive impact on your high school studies. It will also enable you to manage any issues you may have with classmates and teachers, which will in turn have a beneficial effect on your high school experience.

Ultimately, I hope that after you come here to ask questions, you can combine the answers from all the teachers to identify the optimal solution for moving forward and resolving your issues. Then, just keep at it, and I'm confident that you'll be able to enhance your high school experience and strengthen your relationship with your cousin.

Best wishes for success! Sincerely, [Your Name]

It's normal to ask about someone else's ranking. You're happy when you win a game, so why wouldn't you ask about someone else's ranking? Saying someone is "too weak" is silly when you're young and reckless. Now, it's more elegant to say "slightly better" or "admit it." In fact, there's not much difference. It's just a bit more hypocritical and pretentious, but the sense of pride is the same.

Frankly, your feelings may not be real. Everyone is similar. Of course, they may be real, but there's another possibility: your thoughts of "being afraid that he will surpass me in high school" have brought about certain associations and sensitivities.

When a person focuses on one thing, it often leads to unexpected connections. For instance, if a girl you like smiles and says hello to you, you might think, "She smiles so sweetly, does she like me too?" It's only natural to feel disappointed after losing a game of chess or a football match.

It's normal to think "I don't want him to surpass me." But these thoughts are just fantasies. You can't predict what he will do or how he will do it. His learning outcomes are up to him. The truth won't change just because you think it will.

But if you keep daydreaming and thinking about it, it will affect you. It will affect your mood and rationality. You will neglect positive ways of dealing with it. You know that he won't think badly of you. You know that you won't get better because of it.

If he doesn't deliberately compare himself to you, the latter question is moot. Consider this possibility. Are you the one comparing, or is he? Even if you say he will stop comparing, you will still compare.

More importantly, it's crucial to understand whether comparison affects the outcome and changes the facts.

There's no need to dwell on the fact that there are thousands of people in the world and millions of things. Focus on how you can be a little bit better than you are today. That would be more fragrant!

I wish you happiness.

Hello, student. I've read your confession and know you're suffering. Let's explore it together!

1. Your family is successful. You were in the top 50 in junior high, your cousin was in the top 100, and you know about psychology. You are a learner, observer, and thinker.

2. People learn about themselves from others, especially those around them. You came from the same family, you are his cousin, and you have already walked the same path, so he uses you as a reference point and compares you.

3. High school and junior high school are different. High school knowledge is more difficult. If you still learn like you did in junior high, you will not be able to handle it. It is normal for your grades to drop. Do not worry about others comparing you to them. Think about your own problems and slowly improve.

Don't worry about others, focus on yourself.

4. You are different, so comparisons are not useful.

5. When playing ball or chess, he compares himself to you. It is indeed uncomfortable when he says you are inferior even after winning. Anyone would feel uncomfortable in this situation, but a strong person would not care about the outcome. They would use the comparison to improve themselves.

It doesn't matter who wins once or twice. Life is a long journey. The most important thing is to compare yourself with yourself and make progress. You can't influence other people.

This is for your reference. Thanks.

Hello! I can feel your anxiety from your description, but I'm here to help! Your cousin loves to compare, and he feels motivated and positive in the process. But you experience stress, hurt, and panic in the process of comparison. Let's work through this together!

I'm a psychotherapist, and I'm thrilled to share my insights from a psychological perspective.

Your cousin is a great example of someone who has learned to embrace their own character traits. He has a strong growth history, a loving family of origin, and a great relationship with his parents. When he faced comparison, he took the initiative to ask. In the face of comparison, he will actively seek you out, learn from his brother's strengths, inspire himself, and make his brother an idol, learning from and surpassing him. He will be very happy!

But while you are expressing yourself, for example, you were once an outstanding student in junior high school, ranking in the top 50 in your grade. But instead of feeling happy and proud of your past achievements, you feel pressure. You see that you are now stagnating in high school, and you are worried that your cousin will surpass you, which triggers your anxiety. You even want to convince him not to ask, compare, and you feel hurt. The same topic, different feelings, you can also see different perceptions. How do you adjust your emotions and volitional behavior (knowledge, intention)?

Make yourself more positive, relaxed, and comfortable!

First, recognize your own amazing character traits and how they came to be. Was it because you didn't receive more affirmation, attention, and recognition during your upbringing?

(There is no description of your growth or your interactions with your parents), and I would like to make a bold assumption that you can carefully verify. For example, you had excellent academic results in junior high school, ranking in the top 50, but you still wanted to be in the top 40. You never felt that you had worked hard enough, or that you could be better. You were not happy. But now it's time for a change!

You are always looking for your own shortcomings, which may be that you have internalized the object relationship, become self-negation, belittlement, and inferiority. But you can recognize yourself!

Secondly, it's time to love yourself and see your own amazing strengths! Don't ignore yourself just because you're not being recognized.

You are also a diligent, self-disciplined, reflective, perceptive, and logically minded child. Through your efforts, you have become the amazing person you are today! We must see the process of hard work, rather than judging good or bad based on the results. Be grateful for your efforts and cheer yourself on!

And the third thing you need to do is accept yourself! See the good in yourself and accept the not-so-good. You are imperfect, you have flaws, you are lazy, you like to play, you have had successes and failures. When we encounter problems, we also feel powerless and frustrated. But you can overcome this! Accepting yourself, getting up after falling, and soothing the wounds you have received is growth.

Finally, learn to express your inner thoughts, and don't care about external evaluations. You can tell your cousin that you're very good, and that you don't have to compete in everything and compare yourself to others. Just do your best! As for his response, it's his choice. Just express yourself, and you'll feel much better!

This time you used words on the platform to express your confusion and ask for help, which is awesome! This is part of your self-growth journey. Thanks to your expression, you can get help and relieve your anxiety. This is growth! The world and I love you, and you have to learn to love yourself. You can do it!

Your cousin compares you to others, which may have triggered your competitive instinct.

Competition is offensive.

Your cousin's comparison with you shows he's aggressive towards you.

When attacked, you will fight back.

This is normal.

1. You may have been seen as competing with your cousin.

My cousin is in the second year of junior high school and his grades are good. Once I asked him how his grades were and he answered, but ever since then, he has been comparing me to him. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I did well in junior high school, but my grades in high school have dropped. I don't have any confidence and am afraid that he will surpass me.

Your cousin is in the second year of junior high and you are in high school. You probably don't want to compete with your younger brother because he's younger than you.

You asked him about his grades, but he may have thought you wanted to compare them.

Children always play with older children because they can learn from them.

Your younger brother may want to beat you to show he's strong.

You feel uncomfortable because you're comparing your high school grades to your junior high school grades. You're afraid of being outperformed.

Your lack of confidence is the same as your brother's. It's a sign of a lack of self-confidence.

Only someone who is not confident wants to be better than someone else.

2. Your cousin's competitiveness makes you feel insecure.

We also compare ourselves with each other in our daily lives. For example, when playing ping-pong or chess with him, if he wins, I will act happy, which makes me feel uncomfortable. He will even say that I'm too weak.

In a table tennis match, players serve and receive the ball back and forth. This is attack and defense, followed by a counterattack.

The server is aggressive, and the receiver must react. Only by returning the ball and attacking can they feel safe.

This is like comparing your cousin to you. He serves the ball, and you defend. But you haven't counterattacked yet.

Your real sense of crisis may be the reason for your discomfort.

3. Don't compare yourself to others. Be yourself.

I didn't mean to be jealous, but it seems that way because he compares me to him. I don't want him to surpass me. Is this normal? What should I do? Is this projection identification? How can I make it clear to him so that he doesn't compare me to him like this?

I'm happy my classmate understands projective identification!

Maybe your cousin has this problem with his parents.

He made you think you should compete with him.

Don't get involved in your cousin's plan, even though you think it's your idea.

You can leave this situation and do your best. It doesn't matter if you're in junior high or high school, with good or bad grades. You don't need to compare with others because you're different.

People who compare themselves need others' approval. Tell your cousin he's great. His brother is older, so don't compare. Do your own thing and be proud of what you do.

When you stop projecting your identity, you will become enlightened!

I hope this helps.

I'm Yan Guilai, a counselor. I want you to be happy and relaxed!

Hello, I'm Xin Tan's coach, Fei Yun, and I'm here to help!

I totally get it! Your cousin always compares you to him, and it's like there's always a pair of eyes on you, making you feel uncomfortable. I had the same experience when I was young. Let's share and discuss it together!

Comparison is inevitable, but you can absolutely view and use it correctly!

Comparison is a natural human instinct. It's something we all do, whether we like it or not. And there's nothing wrong with that! It's how we learn and grow. We compare ourselves with others because it helps us to see where we can improve and how we can do better. It's how we become the best version of ourselves.

The wonderful thing about life is that there's always something to compare. It could be in business or in personal relationships. Even the ranking of academic performance in school is a form of comparison!

Chinese characters are full of the wisdom of our ancestors. The character for "compare" looks like two daggers, which hurt both the other person and oneself. But here's the good news! When we compare ourselves with others, we are likely to feel two emotions: envy and jealousy.

No matter what kind of emotion it is, there is a limiting belief behind it that "I am not good enough." But guess what? We can change that! We can replace that limiting belief with a belief that empowers us to recognize our own greatness. When we do that, we'll feel more confident and worthy of success.

Some people are afraid of comparison, and that's okay! It's natural to worry and feel afraid when we're faced with something new. But, there's no need to fret. We can conquer our fears and turn them into opportunities for growth. Some people worry that they aren't good enough, that they don't perform well enough, and that others won't like, approve of, or accept them. But, we can't let these worries hold us back. We can choose to see these as chances to improve and become the best versions of ourselves.

Some people will see their own shortcomings and room for growth from the comparison and use it as the direction for their next efforts. Your cousin is young, and he will surely look up to you as a role model and direction for his efforts!

These adolescents are on a mission to find their role models and then surpass them!

Everything has multiple sides! It's so exciting to look at things from multiple perspectives and see the truth of more problems, which gives you more choices!

?2. It's time to boost your sense of self-worth and supercharge your self-confidence!

A sense of worth is a subjective evaluation of oneself. When we are young, we often take our parents' evaluation of us as the truth because we lack the ability to fully judge and think for ourselves. But here's the good news! We can change this pattern. If we are often criticized, blamed, or denied by our parents, we will develop a low sense of worth, become sensitive and suspicious, and even develop inferiority complexes. But we can choose to break this cycle. We can choose to develop a high sense of worth, independence, and confidence. We can choose to become the best version of ourselves!

Children who are often affirmed, praised, and approved of by their parents have an amazing sense of worth and rock-solid self-confidence. As adults, they have independence and initiative, explore and understand themselves more, and gradually increase their self-confidence.

You can totally improve your sense of worthiness by starting with small things! That means constantly giving yourself positive feedback and finding your own strengths to praise and affirm.

At the same time, you should also take a positive view of your cousin comparing you to him. This shows that you are very good and a role model for your younger brother. You are also very motivated, and you are "worried" that your cousin will surpass you when he goes to high school. In a sense, you have gained greater motivation while also feeling pressure.

Use your cousin's behavior of comparing himself to you to achieve maturity and growth. It's a great opportunity to gain some valuable insights! See your own pattern (fear of being surpassed) and your younger brother's pattern (enjoyment of comparison), and accumulate your own experiences of interpersonal relationships and communication.

I really hope the above is helpful to you! And I just want to say that I love you, and I love the world too! ??

If you want to continue the conversation, just click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom. I can't wait to communicate and grow with you one-on-one!