What should I do if I am always bullied by a leader who is not my direct supervisor and who gives me a hard time and scolds me?

Good day. You were reprimanded by a superior who is not your direct supervisor at work, which evoked feelings of anger and fear simultaneously.

It appears that throughout your developmental trajectory, you have consistently encountered adversarial interactions with others, evincing feelings of indignation yet lacking the capacity to retaliate. You are keen to ascertain how you might effect a transformation, and I am acutely attuned to your sentiments.

It is essential to recognize one's feelings.

In discussing the challenging reprimands you have experienced in the workplace, you have indicated that they were not issued by your direct supervisor. This suggests that you perceive these actions as unreasonable and that the difficult reprimands you received were akin to an invasion, which you view as unfair. Consequently, you have expressed feelings of anger in response.

Furthermore, when confronted with unwarranted aggression from others, there is a tendency to resist, yet at the time, this was not possible, resulting in a sense of powerlessness. This sense of powerlessness, or inability to protect oneself, can elicit a strong negative emotional response.

Following the incident, you indicated that you were particularly fearful of this individual, which suggests that you are highly sensitive to the encroachment of others and possess a robust sense of self-preservation. However, the protective measure you employed was avoidance.

You purchase snacks for the entire group, including the individual who previously engaged in bullying behavior. You assert that you are unable to express the anger within you, and on the surface, you present yourself as exceedingly humble and lowly. This appears to be an additional self-protection mechanism when confronted with aggression, which also serves as a means of ingratiating yourself.

However, regardless of whether it is avoidance or ingratiation, there is an internal sense of disapproval of this pattern. In particular, there is an awareness that this pattern has been used consistently throughout one's growth process to avoid experiencing pain. Now that one has reached adulthood, there is an expectation that one has the capacity to cope more effectively.

What are the factors that contribute to the formation of this pattern?

A coping style is defined as the cognitive and behavioral approach that an individual employs when confronted with stress or adversity. Given the multitude of unique upbringing experiences that individuals navigate, it is unsurprising that coping styles manifest in distinctively personal ways. To gain insight into one's own coping style, it is essential to examine the circumstances that shaped its initial formation.

You indicate that you were subjected to bullying during your kindergarten years, and that your parents intervened on your behalf. Adopting the perspective of a victim of bullying may suggest a lack of self-confidence.

Were you subjected to a considerable degree of criticism, control, and blame by your family during your formative years? Did you consistently seek to gain the attention and affection of your parents, leading you to adhere to their expectations and fail to cultivate a sense of self-identity?

You indicate that your parents took action to resolve the bullying incident. In the process, it may appear that your parents were assisting you, but ultimately, you were placed in a position where you were compelled to rely on their support. Once again, your inner self undermined your own value, and this denial seems to have become an inner label.

The subject reports that during their tenure at the junior high school, they were subjected to bullying by their classmates. They claim to have been unable to respond effectively, resorting to passive acceptance and even attributing responsibility to themselves. This is attributed to a deep-seated belief that they lack the capacity to protect themselves. Consequently, they are reluctant to confront bullying, lacking the confidence to believe that they can defend themselves effectively.

Furthermore, you will disapprove of your own fear of resistance and may experience feelings of weakness. In order to accept this avoidance, you will attribute blame to yourself, believing that you are being bullied because of your own shortcomings.

This explanation allows for the acceptance of one's own avoidance mode.

The process of adjustment and change

The formation of coping mechanisms is a gradual process, and therefore, it is not a simple task to alter them. However, your current level of self-awareness is highly valuable, as it marks the initial stage of change.

Firstly, it is imperative to learn to affirm oneself. One must understand that they are not inherently incapable of standing up to those who bully them; rather, they simply lack the belief in their own ability to do so.

Firstly, it is imperative to learn to affirm oneself. One is not inherently incapable of standing up to those who bully; one simply lacks the conviction that one possesses the requisite ability.

In the context of bullying, it is notable that you have articulated a clear sense of internal boundaries, namely that the other person was not your direct supervisor. This awareness enables you to effectively argue your case when faced with infringement, as you are aware of the rationale behind the action.

One can begin with a relatively straightforward task. When one experiences anger but is reluctant to express it, it is helpful to inquire of oneself what one is truly afraid of.

The notion that one's actions may result in the unhappiness of others is a common source of stress.

One might inquire, however, whether there is an obligation to sacrifice one's own feelings in order to make others happy. Furthermore, one might ask what the consequences would be if they were truly unhappy.

Select the simplest action you have previously avoided and attempt to perform it deliberately. Should you discover that no adverse consequences ensue, then attempt it again.

It is also recommended to seek assistance. One may choose to discuss these repressed thoughts with a trusted family member or friend, or with a professional counselor or psychotherapist. The input of others can facilitate greater self-awareness and facilitate more rapid growth.

My name is Teng Ying, and I am a psychological counselor at YI. I hope this information is helpful to you.

I got a system notification asking me to respond. I'm grateful for this chance to communicate via text.

When I was lectured by a leader who wasn't my direct supervisor, I fell back into memories of being bullied since childhood. I was timid and submissive, thinking about how I'd been bullied since I was a kid. It's like the drama of being bullied is constantly playing out, and the script written by fate is full of cruelty and helplessness. You don't know how much pain and hopelessness you've carried, and yet you've grown up in it and are still growing up courageously step by step. I hope that what I'm sharing can help you think in a new way so you can get out of the shadow I've been in and also relieve the suffering I've experienced in my relationships.

Firstly, an injured child's heart doesn't naturally heal with increasing physical age.

In kindergarten, I was bullied, and my parents stepped in to resolve the situation. In junior high school, there was no feedback, and I endured it in silence, even feeling that it was somehow my fault. Bullying at school causes harm in more ways than one.

The bullying others have subjected you to has become part of our own negative self-assessment and understanding. "I'm just not good enough," "I must have done something wrong, that's why people bully me like this"... These self-deprecating comments, like sharp knives, slowly chip away at our self-esteem and confidence.

If we don't address and heal it, we may have become adults physically, but the hurt child inside is always there, full of tears and sadness. It needs to be seen, understood, and supported, no matter how old we are.

So,

After work, when I have conflicts with myself, I feel like my heart is still the same as the one that was bullied in junior high. It's like it hasn't changed in many years.

It's only natural. Hearts that haven't been healed, hearts that are full of scars, won't naturally get better when you grow up.

Second, if you feel like you're lacking in strength and don't have anyone to lean on, getting the help of a professional can help you move on from the shadow of your youth.

Even though it's happening now, the effects of the past can't be undone. Old wounds don't heal on their own.

If you have someone you can turn to who supports you and with whom you have a good, solid relationship, you can start to move on from the past and say "no" to the outside world's bullying voice in a firmer tone.

If not, that's okay. Look for professional help and take the initiative to create such a relationship.

With the help of such relationships, we can rebuild the injured interpersonal interaction model into a healthy and friendly one in a safe "interpersonal relationship vessel." The nourished self and damaged self-confidence will also grow little by little, and we'll be able to deal with the unfriendliness of the outside world more calmly.

3. Believe in yourself and gradually set clear boundaries with the outside world, protecting yourself without hurting others.

When other people invade your personal space, it can make you feel uncomfortable.

The thing is, the past makes it tough to fight back or respond. But you know what? This difficulty can also be resolved through repeated successful attempts.

If you're initially afraid of confronting bullies, you can gently but firmly convey your inner needs and maintain a clear boundary between yourself and the outside world by saying, "I care about your feelings and thoughts. At the same time, I also have a new perspective for you to share."

If you're feeling a bit lost at first, you can try to copy what your respected colleagues and friends do when their boundaries are crossed. Speak up and communicate with them, so that your adult self can also look out for your younger self.

I hope you find this sharing inspiring.

I'm a psychologist, not a human behaviorist. I'm more interested in the human heart than human nature. I wish you well.

Good day, my name is Qu Huidong, a psychological counselor who employs visual imagery in my practice.

After reviewing the questioner's description, particularly the sentence "I feel like my heart hasn't changed in years," I can almost hear the questioner's inner voice, a long sigh.

As an adult, you present a professional image at work, but your inner child still expresses anger. You suppress it, and then you hear the voice of self-blame (accusation) again: "You have been spoiled since childhood. At your age, do you still expect your parents to help you out?"

I am curious as to how the original poster feels when she reads this description. Does she feel that although she is the one taking responsibility, there are actually multiple participants involved?

You have also inquired as to how this state of mind might be altered.

First, we must identify the source of the fear. It appears to be an immature aspect of your personality that is still developing.

It is important to note that even if an individual's biological age aligns with that of an adult, if their psychological needs associated with adolescence remain unmet, they may still experience psychological growth issues that originated in their early years. This can be observed when individuals are compelled to act in ways that align with adult expectations, such as displaying forgiveness, gentleness, and understanding, yet still harbor feelings of fear and resentment.

Secondly, it is important to note that seeing is healing. This allows you to re-establish your personal boundaries.

You can identify the issue, acknowledge your emotions, and investigate the circumstances surrounding the event. This is a significant step forward.

You have identified this as an issue, which makes it easier to develop a response to it. You have highlighted in the question that the individual in question is not your direct leader. If your direct leader were to behave in this way, would you not be more emotionally detached?

I believe the underlying issue is a concern for how others perceive us.

It is important to consider how you see yourself in this situation. You are no longer the child who seeks support from their parents when they are wronged. Similarly, you are not the teenager who tolerates things without question. You are now in a position to analyse, judge and take responsibility for yourself.

When you respect yourself, you can take back control of your life. You will realize that what makes you uneasy will also make others uneasy. This little leader took the initiative to make friends with you after the incident. Everyone has their own suffering, and others are not as strong as you think. You are not as weak as you think.

Third, be authentic and true to yourself. This does not mean being perfect, but rather being your genuine self.

The majority of individuals have been conditioned since childhood to adhere to certain standards of behavior, including the expectation to "be a sensible and good child and not cause trouble for others." While compliance and obedience may result in positive reinforcement and social acceptance, they can also become limiting factors that restrict personal growth and autonomy.

As previously stated, the term "mask" is used in psychology to signify the importance of recognizing the existence of personality masks. Personality masks are the characteristics and behaviors that individuals present to others, enabling them to align with societal expectations. However, it is also essential to acknowledge that the shadows beneath our personality masks require more courage and awareness.

It is often the case that the parts of ourselves that we are most reluctant to acknowledge and confront are the very aspects that require the most attention. For example, beneath a seemingly agreeable personality may lie anger, belittlement, and alienation. Addressing these issues is not a simple process. Jung posited that an individual's ability to understand themselves is enhanced when they confront their complexes and shadows.

While it is more challenging, exploring inwardly is the fastest way to grow. If you require assistance, professional psychological counseling is an option.

Best regards,