What should I do if I have a toxic mother who is often morally abducted?

I hope you find these words of comfort helpful.

The questioner's description:

After her father passed away, my mother's moralistic nature took over, and she blamed me for her failed life.

In high school, she had severe OCD, social anxiety, and interpersonal sensitivity, which have continued until now. She is responsible for her own psychological problems.

She really is a foolish and failed person. She's from the bottom of society, and at her age, she's still living in a rented house and lying on the bed every day because she's unemployed.

The questioner is confused.

What should I do now?

Words to the questioner

The family has lost a key support, and your mother is understandably struggling. She even blames you for her life's failures.

Maybe in her world, without you, she'd still have a choice.

In this respect, your mother loves you very much. She gave up a lot, including herself, and she didn't abandon you, but she raised you.

[Exaggeration]. When we experience pain, we often make it worse unintentionally.

This is a common cognitive distortion in cognitive psychology, also known as the theory of cognitive distortion.

Maybe the questioner isn't aware of this. From my own experience, I also spent a long time blaming the family that made you who you are for the current problems.

Your father's death was a huge shock to your family, and your mother was left with a lot on her shoulders. She needed you as a way to cope.

Maybe at the time, we didn't know why they were acting the way they were.

But another part of you has shaped who you are today.

It's clear that you've also been a victim, and you've taken out your anger on your mother, painting her in a negative light.

I also had a lot of anger towards my parents.

My parents' marital problems set me up for a rough start in life. But I came to see that it was their choice, and that they were also hurt by their own choices.

Maybe it's time for us to start focusing on healing ourselves. We've grown up, we have the right to choose, and we can create our own lives.

It is evident that you are experiencing a range of intense emotions, including depression, anger, and resentment towards your mother, whom you hold responsible for your current unsatisfactory circumstances.

From the aforementioned events, several concepts have been identified.

1. Following the death of her father, her mother frequently attributed her own failures in life to her daughter, engaging in verbal violence and moral coercion that her daughter was unaware of. The daughter experienced anger and a sense of injustice at such treatment. The daughter had not done anything to deserve such blame.

'

2. During your high school years, you developed a severe form of obsessive-compulsive disorder, social anxiety, and interpersonal sensitivity as a result of the long-term repressive family environment. These negative states persisted into adulthood. After studying psychology, you discovered that these states were caused by your mother and this realization intensified your anger.

By identifying a scapegoat for one's unfortunate circumstances, one can avoid assuming personal accountability.

3. Based on the description provided, it can be inferred that your mother possesses a stubborn and closed personality, as well as emotional instability. It is worth considering whether this perspective might be incomplete. Given that your father passed away when you were still young, and she was still young, the traditional family structure was suddenly and unexpectedly disrupted. It is possible that she could have shared and understood her emotions with someone, thereby relieving the financial and mental pressure that she was subsequently forced to bear alone.

The societal pressures faced by women are considerable, and the additional burden of raising a child alone after the loss of her husband, coupled with the accumulation of emotional distress from external sources with no outlet for its release, can be overwhelming. When she returns home, it is challenging for her to empathize and understand her child's experiences, given the lack of shared life adversities. The resulting emotional burden can lead to a vicious cycle of negative emotions.

It is evident that she is facing significant challenges, and it is imperative that she receives understanding and support.

4. Building upon the preceding analysis, it is evident that you are discontented and irritated by these pessimistic personality traits of your mother, which fail to align with your expectations. It is clear that you have an inherent need for an idealized parental figure. I have also perused a multitude of psychological texts, yet I am unable to articulate the concept in a professional capacity. In essence, it can be postulated that the disquietude experienced with regard to one's familial origins stems from a considerable discrepancy between the actual parents and the idealized parents that one imagines them to be.

However, it is important to recognize that individuals perceive and process information differently, and it is inherently challenging for others to meet all of one's expectations. You have indicated that you are currently pursuing a degree in psychology, suggesting that you are at a relatively advanced stage of your academic journey. The pursuit of the ideal parental figure is a common phenomenon, yet the reality is that parents often diverge from the idealized version we hold in our minds. This discrepancy can give rise to feelings of frustration, which can, in turn, give rise to internal conflicts. In some instances, individuals may resort to directing their frustration towards themselves, particularly in the form of self-criticism.

One might posit that it would be beneficial to strive to embody one's own ideal of a parent.

It is somewhat unjust to ascribe all the blame to biological parents, as many parents lack the requisite skills for positive parenting, whether in terms of cognitive capacity or understanding ability. This includes encouraging their children with their words and fostering positive relationships with their children. These parents are often unaware of this, which results in actions that differ from what we expect.

I apologize if my statements are perceived as direct; however, thus far, I have endeavored to assist you in any manner I am able, with the utmost sincerity and good will.

5. You indicated a desire to reconcile, yet you were unable to do so. I perceive your feelings of helplessness and the conflicting emotions you experienced.

This is a normal developmental stage. The individual may not yet have fully articulated their own feelings, but they are nevertheless optimistic about their relationship with their mother and believe that their life will improve. I am unable to offer advice that is tailored to this particular individual, but by sharing a little of my personal experience, it may be possible to gain insight into the reasons behind my openness.

It is my hope that you may also draw inspiration from this for yourself.

My personal experience is analogous to yours. When my father died in high school, my mother exhibited behaviors similar to yours. She displayed pessimism, depression, and anger, as if all misfortune in life were caused by me. I did not meet her expectations, and she was dissatisfied with my actions.

I was introverted and obedient, and thus inclined to accept my mother's statements at face value.

I was experiencing distress, exhibiting symptoms of depression, and lacked a support system to which I could turn. I reached a point of overwhelming distress. My condition had reached a critical point, necessitating hospitalization and the initiation of MECT treatment.

I previously attributed my unhappiness to the repressive environment and negative influence of my mother's character. I believed that if not for her influence, I would be very happy.

Subsequently, I came to understand that my initial assessment was erroneous. I also had the opportunity to engage with select Adlerian psychology texts, which had a significant influence on me and facilitated my reconciliation with my mother and my own life. I particularly appreciate my current state of life and the manner in which I interact with my mother.

It is a universal truth that mothers love their children. However, it is possible for parents to express love in ways that are not conducive to fostering healthy relationships with their children.

The distress associated with my estrangement from my biological family can be attributed to Adler's psychological tenets. The initial principle is the capacity to disengage from the vicissitudes of others' existential predicaments. To illustrate, the disposition of my mother towards life is a matter that she must navigate independently. I am not at liberty to intervene, yet I am empowered to cultivate my own disposition, which is characterised by tolerance and compassion.

The second concept is that an individual's circumstances in life are a consequence of their own decisions and are not influenced by external factors.

These concepts have provided me with a sense of relief and have also contributed to my personal growth and well-being.

It is my conviction that one can gradually cultivate an appropriate outlook on life. Should one remain uncertain, it is advisable to refrain from exerting undue pressure on oneself and instead embrace one's emotional experiences.

It is my contention that as long as one retains the conviction that a superior quality of life is attainable and the aspiration for reconciliation with one's mother and one's original family, further experiences in life will inevitably facilitate the realization of these aspirations and the acquisition of the desired insights.

I hope that you and your mother will both be able to achieve a state of happiness.

I am of the opinion that you are capable of doing so. I wish you the utmost success.

I empathize with the original poster's feelings of powerlessness. I no longer want to be entangled in this situation. I'm calling for help, and I expect everyone to lend a hand and take you away. However, it's inevitable for a woman to leave her parents. It's only a matter of time before you leave your mother in reality. The more important thing is to leave psychologically.

First, you must accept that it is too difficult to completely mentally detach from your mother. Instead, use "mental detachment" as a substitute for detachment. Grow freely in your inner world and achieve "personal freedom." Now, how do you detach?

Parents are individuals first and foremost.

As human beings, we all make mistakes, have limitations, are foolish, fail, are inadequate, and have some dark sides. If you look at their problems or sins as if they were unrelated people, you will have a different experience.

In the face of family changes, you are all ordinary people who have suffered internal trauma. Your mother does not accept her own misfortune and attempts to blame her children for the cause of her misfortune, so that they can get through the difficult times. She is wrong. If it is her own misfortune, then she really cannot break free from this curse. The above is all a manifestation of her inability to properly handle the changes in her life. She is the one who needs to change, not anyone else.

You must first accept that you have an imperfect mother. Only then can you decide whether to forgive her and how to get along with her.

You are both a child and an independent person.

As an independent person, you must distinguish between your own needs and those of others, your own actions and those of others, and your own emotions and those of others. You felt helpless when your mother attacked and hurt you because you approved of her and believed you were bad.

You have grown up and have the strength to think for yourself, to understand your true feelings, and to take responsibility for your actions.

Reconnect with each other as independent individuals.

That is an ordinary person. She has many shortcomings, but you cannot completely deny her. You cannot reject all her characteristics just because you don't like her. You have a blood relationship and have shared life experiences with her, so you will have some similarities. If you completely deny her just because you don't like her, you are also denying the part of yourself that is similar to her.

You must finally achieve personal freedom through your own strength. Be independent, autonomous, and creative in your spiritual world. Do not be dependent on any external spiritual authority or power. Take responsibility for your emotions and decisions.

Hi, I'm a heart exploration coach. I'm here to support you with warmth and a listening ear as you share your emotional story.

You feel the "mental torture" you've suffered at your mother's hands, and it's bred more hatred than love. You want to escape this family and her grasp, but you feel powerless. That loneliness and helplessness makes you feel very broken.

I'm really happy to see that you're studying psychology. It's a great way to make changes in your life and improve things. Let's take a look at the problems you've mentioned.

1. How our original family affects us

Parents who haven't healed themselves will pass on their wounds to their kids.

As you mentioned, your mother's "control" over you and all the different forms of moral kidnapping are the cause of all your current suffering.

It seems reasonable. After all, family is where we spend our whole lives. From birth to adulthood, our parents and our original family are constantly influencing us.

When we were young, our parents gave us the emotional support we needed to stay healthy: the ability to love, to connect with others, a sense of security, independence, and a sense of worth.

If parents can't give us these things, it can affect our emotions, behaviors, and relationships with others. As you mentioned, the harm your mother caused you has even led to psychological issues.

Yes, at the time we didn't have the full picture and we were still finding our way. We wanted to rebel, but we didn't have the strength or resources to do so, so we had to "wait".

Luckily, you've had the chance to take the initiative and make your own choices in life. You've become an adult and have waited for a way to move on from the damage caused by your original family – psychology.

You should check out the books Fly Like an Ostrich to Your Mountain, The Bond of Motherly Love, Beyond the Original Family, and Psychological Nutrition. They'll be really helpful in changing the current situation and understanding the original family.

2. How to achieve a breakthrough and change the status quo

I think you've used some of your psychology knowledge to help yourself and your mum before, but this will keep coming up and it'll keep exhausting you.

Put yourself in your mother's shoes and think from her perspective. You'll see the truth more clearly: your mother has spent decades building up her "mental protective barrier," and you can't destroy it overnight.

It's impossible for you to fully grasp her unhappy marriage, raising you alone, the gossip she endured, and the various difficulties she faced in supporting the family.

But your mother doesn't know how to express her emotions. She obviously loves you, but she doesn't know how to show it. Instead, she hurts you. Her "over-sharing" makes you pessimistic and negative.

This isn't what she's trying to do. It's important to remember that a mother's actions don't always reflect her identity.

Try to see your mother's actions from the perspective of a stranger.

Anger is short-lived, but when it morphs into hatred, it can have serious consequences. "I hated you, and as a result, I became you."

The root of your hatred is that you've been hurt, or at least you feel you have been hurt.

It's tough to go through this kind of pain. We're used to looking for someone to blame to avoid feeling responsible for our own feelings. But you can't beat him, or maybe you just don't know how, so you start to hate him.

As you mentioned, your psychological issues are a result of your relationship with your mother, which has led to feelings of resentment.

If you really think about it, hatred is really just hatred of yourself, hatred of your own powerlessness, hatred of the fact that you are suffering too much. Some people choose to hate others and vent outwardly.

There are two ways to deal with hatred: you can either forgive or you can forgive.

Forgiveness is about others, while self-forgiveness is about you. You can't change others, but you can control yourself.

We can't change what happened in the past, but we can change how we perceive it. As they say, "The problem is not the problem, but how you perceive it."

If you take responsibility for your own actions, you'll have the power to choose and change.

Everyone has their own life lessons, and you can move on from your mother's issues. She has to experience and grow through her own suffering and pain.

You've also got your own life lessons to learn. Make sure you complete this important one in your relationship with your mother.

It doesn't matter if it's a breakdown or a breakthrough, the idea is that something needs to be broken. Once it's broken, there are two options: to fall or to pass.

If you choose to go with the flow after breaking, you'll just end up collapsing. But if you keep moving after breaking, you'll break through yourself by going through it.

Therefore, my dear colleague, for the happiness of your future career, this painful process of change must continue. Suffering has a purpose: it elevates the soul and gives our lives more depth.

I hope this is helpful to you, and I want to let you know that I love you and the world.

If you want to keep in touch, just click "Find a coach" in the top right corner or at the bottom. I'll be in touch and we can grow together.

It is essential to eliminate internal psychological depletion.

"Effective self-management requires the allocation of mental resources. When these resources are insufficient, internal conflict arises. Persistent internal conflict can be exhausting."

The most significant internal conflict an individual can experience is a lack of forgiveness for oneself. There are always two perspectives present in one's mind: one acknowledging the challenges faced by one's mother, and the other recognizing the role of personal responsibility in one's mother's circumstances.

These two thoughts compete with one another in our minds. When we cease internal conflict, focus on our objectives, and take constructive action in a systematic manner, we may find that our concerns have dissipated without our awareness.

It is essential to understand that our objective should be to foster a close relationship with our mother. The question then becomes: How can we achieve this?

?

It is important to recognize and acknowledge the imperfections.

As children, we all had an idealised perception of our mothers as superheroes and as inherently good. However, as we matured and developed our cognitive abilities, we came to understand that our mothers were not infallible and that our suffering was often a result of their actions or inactions.

When we recognize that our mother is not without flaws, it challenges our long-held perceptions.

Furthermore, your sudden belief no longer exists, so I would like to understand your shock and helplessness at that moment.

The process of psychological weaning

"In high school, I experienced severe OCD, social anxiety, and interpersonal sensitivity, which have persisted into adulthood. I studied psychology and determined that these psychological issues were caused by her and that I am unable to live without her. She is a flawed individual who has failed to achieve success, still renting an apartment at an advanced age, unemployed, and spending her days in bed. She attacks me as soon as I take a break, dwelling on the past and resenting everyone, thinking the worst of others, never trying to improve herself, and exhibiting fixed thinking. She is pessimistic, always feeling that the world is full of danger, inexplicably cold and violent, and flaring up. She has also started to attack me."

It is a natural part of life to experience a period of psychological emancipation. You are currently going through this period, which is why you have so many thoughts about wanting to escape your mother's control. When we have reached this stage of psychological emancipation, we will act according to our own thoughts and wishes. However, when you find that your actions are being hindered, you will develop a very resistant mentality, and even hate it. Your heart will also explain that you want to escape your mother.

There is no need to blame yourself. This is simply a necessary part of our life experience. Similarly, your mother is not at fault. She is also experiencing the pain of a second separation.

It is recommended that you give yourself and your mother a hug.

"I previously terminated relations with her and attempted to reconcile. However, I was too exhausted and desperate to pursue this further. I intend to live independently once I secure employment. What is the best course of action now?"

Identify the underlying cause.

As previously stated, the psychological internal conflict stems from the fact that your current self-acceptance is predicated on a deep-seated animosity towards your mother. This conflict is further compounded by your inability to reconcile the two opposing forces within yourself. By acknowledging this internal conflict, you are now in a position to accept the hatred you feel towards your mother. This acceptance, however, does not imply any sense of guilt towards your mother. Instead, it represents a crucial step in your journey towards self-acceptance and emotional maturity. Furthermore, this acceptance extends to your current self. By embracing this hatred, you are now in a position to move forward with a more positive and constructive outlook on your current self.

It is essential to identify the underlying causes of this hatred.

What unmet needs are contributing to the negative sentiment?

Is it our preference for mothers to provide us with autonomy without the accompanying accountability?

Do we desire unconditional support and respect from our mothers?

Or do you still desire for your mother to embody the archetypal "supermom" figure in your heart?

When we identify this need, we can ascertain what is wrong with us and what we want.

To identify our goals and directions moving forward. This is the first step in the process of sorting things out.

We can proceed with our plans. Let's take it one step at a time and begin by identifying our own needs.

I would like to take this opportunity to express my love for the world and for you.

I have read what you wrote carefully, and I can see that you are currently in a state of great pain, helplessness, and hopelessness. It is as if you are in an abyss, and this abyss has no end and is pitch black. You want to grab onto something to climb your way out, and I know you can do it! You just need to find something to hold on to. Once you do, you'll be able to climb your way out of the abyss and into the light.

But I truly believe that even at the deepest, darkest depths of an abyss, you can see the light! So, where is that light? You say you studied psychology. What has psychology brought you?

If you can see the problems between your parents and the problems in your mother, that's a great start! Psychology can't just remove the source of a person's illness, but it can also administer medicine, sutures, and healing. How do you plan to carry out your rehabilitation work in the later stages?

Psychology can help you find the crux of your problem. A lot of your misfortunes come from your family of origin, but the good news is that psychology can also tell you how to get out of trouble!

I can tell that you have a lot of emotions here. Emotions are often the result of rumination on our past memories. Your emotions include anger, even some disgust, and a sense of helplessness. These emotions are definitely related to your past life experiences, but now that you're aware of them, how are you going to deal with them? You can do this!

Memories of the past, things that happened in the past, may be that you were very young at the time, and they remain in your heart, blocking your energy and preventing you from moving forward. But now, you may have grown taller than your mother, and you have the psychological weapons to do so! So can you be your own mother, go heal your own wounds first, and then try to heal your mother. You can do it!

You can blame your mother for her negative energy, but on a cognitive level, I think you're ready to move forward! You're afraid of making progress, but you can do it! You just need to break through the heavy resistance from your mother and your old ideas. It'll be harder than it is now, but you can do it! Complaining is the best way of life for you right now, but you can change that! You just need to take the courage to move forward!

Now you can take the reins and be your own mother! Take care of your emotions, take more action, and be in contact with more positive people and things. When your mother complains, give her a big hug. After all these years of hard work, what's behind her complaints is nothing more than a need for love and attention from others. Someone who recognizes her hard work and dedication. You both need loving hugs from each other!

Hug each other every day and get started! Go for it!

Hello there!

How can we best support parents who might be struggling?

It's so great to see that more and more people are starting to recognize the connection between their self-development and their original families! It's so important to recognize that we can all make positive changes in our lives to overcome challenges. However, we all face obstacles in life, and it's natural to feel discouraged when we encounter them. But remember, you've got this! With a little self-belief and the willingness to learn and grow, you can absolutely improve your emotional regulation and cognitive abilities to navigate life's hurdles.

It can be so hard to understand why some parents are toxic. It would be great if they could realize their own problems! How can children regulate their emotions when dealing with toxic parents?

How should I understand parents who are always putting negative pressure on me?

It's tough when family relationships are unhealthy. It can really affect you as a member of the family. It's hard to handle the relationship between yourself and your family when you don't have mature minds and a high degree of emotional awareness. When you're faced with problems, it can feel confusing and conflicted. You might feel limited by your parents' abilities, which can make it tough to get along with them. And it can be hard to see the source of the problem, which can lead to blaming, complaining, and anger. This can make it difficult to grow and move forward.

How can you help yourself break free from the negative influence of your family of origin and develop yourself?

1. Let's dissolve the "symbiotic" relationship with our parents.

Our relationship with our parents in childhood is one in which we lack the ability to take care of ourselves and need help from our parents to take care of ourselves. This is totally normal! As we grow up, though, we need to gradually enter a state of separation from our parents. This is so we can take responsibility for our own lives, return to our own life path, and develop ourselves. In some families, though, the pain brought by the parents has always followed the children. This can make it hard for children to become independent. They may unconsciously internalize the words and deeds of their parents. This can make it hard for them to live their own lives. It's important to separate from our parents as soon as we can. This helps us to maintain a sense of boundaries and to fulfill the responsibility of taking care of our own lives. When we do this, we can truly enter the stage of a detached relationship.

2. Take the time to heal the wounds in your heart and fix yourself.

Growth is something we all experience throughout our lives. Our environment and our own development change and evolve constantly, so we need to be able to regulate our emotions and integrate into our environment at any time. But when we're struggling with trauma, it can make it hard to have a healthy, beneficial relationship with the outside world. That's why it's so important to pay attention to our inner health and nourish and heal it. When we're self-fulfilled, we can develop more positive and active character traits to help us overcome one difficulty after another.

3. Forgive your parents for their "weaknesses" and let go of any negative feelings you have towards yourself.

Forgiveness is a toughie! It means facing the pain again, which is like re-living the past. If we don't resolve things, they'll keep affecting us. So, forgiveness is about acknowledging and accepting, and then letting go to end the pain.

Parents are people related to us by blood and very close to us. They have a way of touching our hearts and minds in ways that are sometimes difficult to understand. It's important to try to see their actions and words from an objective perspective, rather than judging them based on the results. This allows us to step back and see the bigger picture, including the many factors that influence their growth process. As we gain this understanding, we can accept the limitations of our parents and let go of expectations. This allows us to focus on ourselves and our own growth. By doing so, we can learn from our experiences and gain wisdom, rather than repeating the same patterns. This helps us move towards a new, independent life.

Wishing you the best of luck!

Wishing you the best of luck!

Hello, question asker. I can see you're feeling confused right now, and I'm here to support you. Hugs to you!

I'm so sorry you're going through some family issues. Please, let me give you another warm hug.

There are really only three kinds of things in the world: your own affairs, other people's affairs, and the affairs of heaven.

I'm so glad you asked about this! The above concept comes from the book A Change of Heart.

I know you may not have your own independent financial means yet, so you have to live with your mother.

But she often brings up the past with you, poor thing.

I'm sure you're wondering why she does this.

Because every time she attacks you with her words, you take them all in; so over time, you have become her "emotion trash can."

I know it can be tough, but try to avoid your mother's moral kidnapping by leaving the room the next time she starts complaining and attacking you.

Why not go outside for a little while? You could even go for an hour and a half or two hours. Then you can come back home.

When you go home, your mom might've forgotten what she wanted to talk to you about.

I've found it really helps to be consistent. When your mum tries to take you over, just leave the room for a bit.

If she gradually feels that you don't want to listen to her complaints, then she may not try to morally kidnap you anymore.

I really hope the problem you're having gets sorted out soon.

I'm really sorry, but I can't think of anything more to say.

I really hope my answer was helpful and inspiring for you! I'm the respondent, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, we love you and the world loves you too! Wishing you all the best!