What should I do if I have been suffering ever since my father, who was unfilial, passed away?

Hello, I'm Annie.

You feel guilty about not caring for your father before he died. Your mother said it was painful for him to die. You feel like you failed your father when he needed you most. You can't forgive yourself. Give the sad questioner a hug.

The questioner said that from an early age, he had a cold relationship with his father and a distant relationship with his mother. Even though his father was sick, he and his mother still lived separately and kept their distance from his father.

You were afraid of your father's illness, so you tried to avoid it. When you learned that he was about to pass away, you hoped things would turn around, but you didn't expect him to die.

Your regret, helplessness, and guilt didn't go away with your father's death. They got worse.

The questioner's pain is growing because he avoided his emotions while his father was alive. When his mother talks about his father's deathbed, it will awaken those memories. Not saying goodbye properly has created an unfinished event, which makes it difficult for the questioner to let go.

Another reason for the questioner's fear of death is that they project their fear of death onto the death of their father. This makes them think about how painful the process was for their father and makes them feel lonely, sad, hungry, and alone. This makes them search the internet for words that their father would use to forgive them and use this to forgive themselves.

I will make three suggestions to ease the pain of your father's death.

First, accept your pain.

The questioner is obsessed with not being able to show respect to his father while he was alive. Let's think more carefully about that time.

Maybe you had a distant relationship with your father, and his illness made you avoid his needs. This is consistent with your original self. You haven't changed. You just want to be your original self.

When you feel afraid and helpless, you are vulnerable. You need to be protected and supported, but your needs are not being seen. You must protect yourself.

If you try to be strong, you might be even more hurt by your father's suffering. This could make it harder for you to get over your pain.

The questioner has a lot of regret, but perhaps the true picture is this: "I have committed a sin. I feel guilt for not helping my father when he needed me, but I understand myself because I was too afraid. I have to be strong to withstand the harm from the outside world.

"I have to take care of myself before I can take care of others."

If you look at things objectively, you'll see you couldn't do much and things didn't turn out as you hoped. Don't blame yourself. Live well and let your father rest in peace.

Focus on the present.

The questioner is sad about his father's death, but dwelling on this only makes you think about the past. You can't change what happened, but you can change how you think about it.

Events help us see the situation at the time, but they don't represent who we are. Focus on the present. You may have schoolwork or work to do. Getting things done makes you happy.

Your mother and other loved ones need your love and support too. Focusing on the present will make you and your family happy.

Your sadness needs to be addressed.

The questioner may still be struggling to move on from his father's death. If he feels sorry for his father, he can still visit his grave and talk to him. Writing can also help you express your thoughts and feelings. You don't have to worry about finding someone to talk to or what others will think. Writing can help you see your own growth.

You can also talk to someone you trust. The Yixin platform also has therapists and coaches.

May the questioner find hope soon.

Best wishes. 17psych.com and I love you.