What should I do if I have internalized my parents' critical voices since I was young?

Hello, my dear friend. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I want to give you a big hug.

It's okay to feel the pain of your high self-expectations. We all have an inner voice that's been with us through past experiences. This voice makes us keep going, and it can be hard to relax until we get the result we want. When we can't balance the desire to "make a decision quickly" with the need to "make the best decision," it can lead to anxiety.

But here's the thing: what really causes discomfort in our hearts is often not the emotion itself, but how we respond to it.

Take setbacks, for example. Some folks can bounce back quickly and try again, becoming more determined despite the obstacles. Others might lose confidence and find it tough to face the next challenge. Why do people have different outcomes? It's all about how they perceive things.

So, we just need to accept that we can't completely get rid of those bad feelings. What we can do is try to remember how we can calm ourselves down when other people make us feel uncomfortable, like when we feel guilty, or belittled, or self-reproachful. What do you think those feelings are like?

Oh, goodness! What if things don't turn out as we expect?

And are there also moments when you achieve good results even though what you did was not quite up to your standards? We all have those times, right? Is there also a time when you can try not to be perfect, but just be "good enough"?

I'd love to know how you felt at that time!

You can absolutely explore more about such moments, even if they are sometimes imperfect. We can still be very good and apply them to our lives!

It's so important to take care of yourself! Try to make time to exercise and spend more time in nature. It'll help you release all that stress and feel better!

Next, you can build great relationships with other people. This way, you won't have to face sadness alone. You can also get help from others.

If you're feeling distressed and it's affecting your physical health or sleep, it's a good idea to reach out for professional help. You can find a psychologist, counselor, or listening therapist who can support you.

I really hope these answers help! Wishing you all the best!

Hello!

It's okay to feel embarrassed, have self-doubt, or feel confused.

There's always that inner voice pushing you to do better. It doesn't sound like you're doing well if you're constantly hearing that.

Be grateful for what you've already achieved; acknowledge your efforts as valuable experiences. Not judging success or failure is a form of success in itself.

You need someone who can relate to you and help you recognize the positive aspects of your personality.

Joining a hobby group with like-minded people is a great way to make a friend you can talk to, even if you don't see each other every day. It's really valuable for your personal and professional growth.

Take an omelette, for example. It's happy if it doesn't burn, and even if it burns a little, it still tastes delicious. When you've saved up some money, you can buy some equipment and even make a successful thick omelette yourself.

Keep it simple. Attack when you can, defend when you must.

I think it's important to stay healthy, so I try to run as much as I can, but there are times when I just don't feel well, so I can walk instead. It's good to have goals, but don't limit yourself too much.

This can all help you to accept yourself better.

It's up to us to be true to our souls. We can be responsible for our choices and our love.

Live your best life.

Hello, host! I'm July.

After reading your description, I have a better understanding of the question you want to ask. In this regard, I'd like to give you a hug in the fourth dimension.

How should you handle the internalized criticism from your parents that you mentioned in your description? In my opinion, parents give us so much criticism because they want us to do better next time.

Another reason is that our parents didn't get much encouragement from their parents either. So when our parents grew up, they used the way their parents educated them to educate us.

It's great that you're aware of how this kind of education is affecting you. It's a big step to realize your own problems, so kudos to you! It'll take some time and methods to make a change, but you've got this. Just take your time and believe that time will eventually heal some of the problems that exist in you.

In this regard, I've also put together a few tips to help you cope with the current situation. I hope they'll be useful for you.

(1) Try to reconcile with your family of origin, rather than letting it have too much influence over you. These days, we can do things to minimize the influence of our family of origin on us. One way is to change ourselves.

(2) Try to lower your expectations of yourself, rather than setting overly high standards for yourself. Having too high of standards will only put pressure on you.

(3) It's okay to accept that there are things you don't do well. Nobody's perfect, so it's fine to have areas where you could improve.

(4) Try to take your mind off things and not get too caught up in your own situation.

(5) Just do your best with the task at hand. Don't push yourself too hard to do something perfectly that you've already done.

I just wanted to say that I love you and the world loves you too!

Wishing you the best!

Dear questioner, I am writing in response to your question.

I'm sorry you've been through this. I hug you.

Your parents were clearly very strict with you when you were growing up. They constantly negated your will and instilled their own will in you. Over time, you will not be able to tell whether you are being yourself or an extension of your parents' will.

Fritz, a renowned British counselor, put forth a groundbreaking theory called the Pendulum Theory. He postulates that the two ends of the pendulum represent the two modes within us: the child mode and the parent mode. The child mode represents your own will, while the parent mode represents the demands of your parents (or external expectations). When your parents are excessively strict, the pendulum is pushed to the parent mode, which is inherently more laborious. If you are not careful, the pendulum will fall back. Once the parent's will is internalized in your heart, you must expend significant energy to maintain it and prevent it from falling back, as doing so may result in severe punishment.

This takes up your energy for other things.

You need to accept yourself and weaken these voices. At this time, you need the third mode—the adult mode.

The adult mode has three functions.

First, you must examine whether the requirements set by parents are reasonable. If they are, you must internalize them to guide your actions.

Second, examine whether the child's emotions are reasonable. If they are not, promptly adjust some of the child's unreasonable emotions. Then, act at your own pace.

Third, I must transform my desire to change into my intention to change. Adults care about whether this behavior contributes to their vision.

Strict parenting directly leads to a weak adult model, and it will be very difficult to change. We must find ways to strengthen the adult.

First, identify who is actually speaking. When you do something, you need to consider whether it is something that others (external rules) require you to do, or whether it is something that you want to do because you like it.

Many girls lose weight because they want to be thin. They think that if they don't lose weight, they'll be ridiculed and rejected by the people around them. This is a mode of thinking driven by others, which belongs to the parental mode, living for others, and wasting precious energy on other people's opinions. The adult mode of thinking is: I long for a healthy body, I like being healthy and energetic.

This way, you'll focus your energy on keeping yourself healthy, not on worrying about others laughing at you for being fat all day long. The difference between the two is very great.

Second: Accept the time lag between effort and change. A mature self knows you are not yet able to fulfill your wishes right now, and gives yourself time to achieve them step by step. Not everything will succeed immediately.

I am confident that my analysis has been helpful. I am certain that you will become a healthy adult soon. The world and I are with you!

Hello, question asker. I can see you're feeling a bit confused right now, so I just wanted to give you a hug!

It's totally normal to experience some growing pains. Let me give you a warm hug again.

It's possible that your "inner child" is at play in this situation.

For instance, when you were younger, your parents likely told you that if you didn't get at least 90% on a test, you wouldn't get any fun toys.

Then, you might find yourself thinking, "If I don't get 90% on the test, I'm not a good child."

But you've grown up now.

I can tell my inner child, "When I was growing up, I had to meet the high expectations my parents had of me. Otherwise, they would have stopped loving me, stopped buying me nice things, and so on, and maybe they would have stopped taking good care of me."

"But at the time, I was young and didn't have the capacity to take care of myself. Despite feeling that their expectations were a bit high and unreasonable, I had to accept them."

Then I tell my inner child, "But I've grown up now. I'm strong enough to protect myself."

"We're not perfect, so there will be things we do imperfectly."

If you think it would help, I'd encourage you to attend one of Shi Qijia's courses on "Healing the Inner Child."

In reality, there are just three things in this world: our own affairs, other people's affairs, and the affairs of heaven.

The above views come from the book A Change of Heart.

I've learned that no matter how well I do, there will always be someone who isn't satisfied.

But it's irrelevant because people have a right to their opinions and I can't control that.

If someone has a criticism, I'll listen and then make the necessary changes.

If not, I'll just use it as a reference; I don't need to worry about it too much.

Later on, I realized that I didn't need to worry about what other people thought. I was much more relaxed.

I really hope you can find a solution to the problem you're facing soon.

That's all I have to say for now.

I hope my answer was helpful and inspiring for you, the questioner. I'm the one who answered, and I'm learning something new every day.

Here at Yixinli, we love what we do and we love you. Best wishes!

Hello!

People who were criticized and didn't get enough encouragement have a hard time changing their inner patterns. We're used to criticism and demands from others. To get rid of it, we need to relate to ourselves better.

1) Simplify your lifestyle and goals. We all set goals for ourselves, but too many goals are a burden. Self-perfectionism and denial deplete our mental resources, causing negative emotions.

If you're a positive thinker who struggles with inner conflict, focus on smaller goals. Accomplishing these will help you feel more confident.

2) Only take responsibility for things you can control. People who are sensitive to criticism often don't express their feelings or think about who is responsible for what. If you can't control something, you don't have to take full responsibility for it. However, you may also accept the situation because you're not good at dealing with criticism. Learning to think about things calmly and rationally is the first step to doing things well.

3) Don't expect too much from yourself and don't worry. Being kind to yourself is not about not wanting to accept yourself, but about understanding your inner child. Only by healing your inner child can you truly solve your problems. For example, people who are sensitive to criticism always try to meet their expectations and set high standards for themselves. But once they stop, anxiety sets in. The reason is that we cannot accept doing nothing. We cannot accept being ourselves because we are afraid of being hated and abandoned. We always try to live our lives to the fullest, but as adults, we already have the ability to take care of ourselves. We no longer need to be afraid of being hated and abandoned for no reason. Instead, we can become the ideal parents we want to be and take good care of ourselves.

When you feel bad about yourself, don't avoid it. Listen to your inner child, recognize your adult strength, and improve your inner strength. This will help you deal with external and internal negativity.

Good luck!

Everyone has the potential to serve as a source of inspiration, whether by asking questions or providing answers. By using words, we can help to enlighten the minds of many. This is our collective strength.

Good day, my name is Xin Tan and I am Coach Fei Yun. I empathize with your struggles and feelings of self-doubt.

Due to the criticism, blame, and rejection you experienced from your parents at an early age, you developed a low sense of self-worth and became insecure. You feel the need to constantly "prove" yourself to your parents and others by being "better" or "performing better," which exhausts you both physically and mentally.

A supportive gesture can be beneficial in such circumstances. The concept of "psychological nutrition" is relevant here. Let's examine the issues you have raised.

Parents, as significant others, provide the psychological nourishment needed for healthy physical and mental growth.

As previously stated, your parents were overly critical of you from an early age, which has resulted in a lack of self-worth.

A sense of worth is a subjective evaluation of oneself. This subjective evaluation stems from the early stages of growth and is usually built up slowly through the child being affirmed, accepted, acknowledged, praised, praised, and encouraged by parents and significant others.

The fundamental issue is self-esteem. A person's sense of self-worth is largely influenced by their family of origin and the manner in which they were raised by parents or significant others during their formative years.

As a child, we are not in a position to make our own decisions.

A child who receives a lot of praise from an early age is like a child with a lot of energy. This instills mental resilience, as the child is convinced of their own worth. This also fosters confidence in oneself and the future.

If a child is raised in an environment where criticism is the primary form of communication and there is a lack of affirmation or encouragement from parents, it can result in a lack of psychological nourishment.

He will form a negative self-perception, internalizing the belief that he is not good enough or worthy. This is why he is prone to self-criticism and self-demand, as this is the only way he can feel worthy. He needs to leverage this to prove and support himself.

2. What steps can be taken to enhance one's sense of worth in the absence of sufficient innate psychological nourishment?

"What is lacking in nature can be made up for later." When we are young, our parents serve as our primary source of support and guidance. As we mature into adulthood, we have the opportunity to become our own significant others, providing ourselves with the psychological nourishment we need to thrive.

One of the most straightforward methods for enhancing one's sense of worth is to consistently provide oneself with positive feedback. Affirmations, praise, and self-identification, coupled with self-acceptance, can be highly effective in this regard.

It is estimated that approximately 8,000 affirmations and acknowledgements are required for an individual to develop a sense of self-confidence.

The key to self-worth is believing that one is valuable. This can be achieved by first developing a genuine belief from the heart.

Professional psychological counseling can facilitate healing, facilitate a return to a more childlike state of mind, and facilitate change from the inside out.

It is also possible to effect change from the outside in. When an individual contributes to the betterment of others and society at large, they will receive positive feedback and recognition. This positive reinforcement will then be internalized, leading to a sense of personal value.

This sense of value will gradually become internalized, influencing the individual's subconscious mind. This, in turn, will lead to a perception of high value, which will positively impact their overall well-being.

For more detailed information, please refer to my article, "It turns out that the root cause of psychological problems is it," available on my personal website.

I hope the above is helpful to you, and I wish you well.

Should you wish to continue the dialogue, please click on the "Find a coach" link, which can be found in the top right-hand corner or at the bottom of the page. I will be happy to work with you on an individual basis.

Good day,

I am pleased to have been of assistance.

You internalize all the criticisms and accusations your parents made when you were growing up and use them to harshly judge yourself.

The critical voice in your head is a result of your own self-perception. This behavior is a form of self-PUA.

You may be wondering whether there is such a thing as self-PUA.

It is likely that you are aware of the concept of others influencing and shaping your self-perception. However, have you considered the possibility of self-PUA, or the internalisation of external evaluations and subsequent self-attack?

Please clarify.

Let us define self-PUA.

Self-PUA can be defined as the internalization of negative external evaluations and subsequent self-attack.

By way of illustration, consider the following example:

1. If you consistently perceive yourself as inadequate, you will invariably retreat when presented with an opportunity.

2. When faced with challenging situations, they tend to rely on negative motivators.

3. It is challenging to forgive oneself for shortcomings.

It is possible that you may have already been affected by self-PUA.

In fact, I am dissatisfied with my performance in PUA. In fact, there are many factors in the real world that are beyond our control.

It is therefore imperative that we address this issue.

It is essential to recognize our limitations and accept them constructively. When we do so, we develop a resilient inner strength.

You will gain the ability to truly understand and love yourself, which will enable you to move on from your self-perpetuating cycle. When faced with a lack of external validation, it is crucial to maintain a sense of self-worth.

The more external validation is lacking, the more important it is to develop self-love.

Yi Shu

I am confident in your abilities and believe in your potential to succeed.

Xiao Wan's answer was:

1. Learn to love. In your original family, you were a weak child who didn't get the love of a father and mother. What does this tell us?

This shows that your parents don't have the ability to love. They're not educators or psychologists, and they haven't studied how to love children in a systematic way.

Similarly, your parents' parents didn't have the ability to love their children. From this perspective, your parents were also weak children who lacked love. There's a mentality that's been passed down in your family, called "love incompetence" and "powerlessness to love."

So, how can you change the fate of your family? Your parents' parents may no longer be alive, or they may be old and unable to learn and change themselves.

It's not realistic to expect parents to learn how to love as they age. So, how can you break this pattern of generational harm that has been passed down in your family?

The only way to do this is to start with the young people of this generation, and you happen to be the youngest generation in the family. You're the one who's been chosen to change the fate of the family. When you learn how to love, all the wounds you've suffered can be healed, and your children won't have to grow up in a loveless environment. The fate of your family will change from this day forward.

2. [Love yourself and love others] So how do you develop the ability to love? There's a saying that goes like this: To love others, you must first love yourself.

How do you love yourself? It's about having the courage to stand up for yourself, even when others don't agree or treat you poorly. It's about taking other people's words with a grain of salt and staying true to yourself. It's about maintaining a sense of balance and perspective, even when others praise you or hold you up.

You have indicated that you consistently set high standards for yourself and recognize that this is a consequence of internalizing external influences. You have expressed a desire to alter this pattern.

I am pleased to see that you have already identified the external influences that have led to your current situation and are prepared to implement changes.

You are interested in learning how to accept yourself more fully and to reduce the influence of external voices on your self-perception. I am pleased to have this opportunity to communicate with you.

I can relate to your situation. I hope that sharing my experiences will be helpful to you.

My father was a demanding figure, particularly in relation to his children.

No matter what I did, he could always find something I did poorly. Even if I achieved 100% on an exam, he could identify a mistake in the way I had written my name.

My father's view was that excessive praise would foster arrogance, which would hinder progress.

During my formative years, I was consistently subjected to criticism. This led to a sense of inadequacy, as I was compelled to perform to the highest standards in all my endeavors.

However, doing a multitude of tasks is not necessarily beneficial. I am similarly inclined to demand perfection in all my endeavors.

I am constantly aware of the need to work harder and achieve more. Without this drive for perfection, I feel I am not meeting the standards I have set for myself.

This approach is ineffective. When driven by such a voice, I often exceed the ordinary scope of my responsibilities.

However, excessive effort is also counterproductive. My contributions are often met with resentment from others.

For instance, I must prepare meals that I can consume, and I believe that I can only do so if I can finish eating. Each time I finish a meal, there are always leftovers that are discarded, which represents a waste of resources.

For example, I often prioritize the satisfaction of others over my own needs. If someone in need requests assistance, I would rather provide for them than go hungry myself.

I came to recognize that I had a discrepancy in my approach to parenting when a colleague shared a story about his child. I realized that I was not treating my own child with the same level of care and attention that I extended to other children.

Given that my child is my own flesh and blood, I have to question why I consistently prioritize the needs of others over my own child's. This realization has left me with a profound sense of unease.

I began to question whether my performance was truly inadequate if I did not achieve 100 points. Given that 80 points is already above the passing grade, I am performing better than many of my colleagues.

What are my true objectives?

In the future, I will always consider my personal objectives when undertaking any task. I will also pay close attention to my inner voice and act in accordance with my heart's desires.

The opinions of others are their own business. I listened to the opinions of others, but no one can live my life for me.

From that point forward, I endeavor to address my inner emotions.

I will now present a simple exercise that anyone can perform.

When I am faced with a situation in which I am not inclined to comply with the expectations of the external environment, I remind myself that I have the approval of my father, mother, and those around me, and that I must ultimately decide for myself. I then proceed to act in accordance with my own conscience and desires.

I have been implementing this approach for over a decade. Over time, I have learned to listen to my own voice and be the person I want to be, free from the influence of wanting to be perfect, strong, and pleasing to others.

Live in accordance with your original aspirations.

I hope this information is useful to you.

Hello, questioner. I'll hug you.

You look like me.

Understand your sadness.

Your parents treated you badly, so you demand a lot from yourself.

It's tiring, always demanding that you be better.

Read this if you want.

Accepting yourself means being at peace with yourself. Don't be harsh on yourself or demand perfection.

This is my view and experience to share with you.

"Reconcile with yourself."

Why am I trying to reconcile with myself?

I often think I could have done better. I keep wondering if I should have done it a certain way or said something differently.

Then I would tell myself it was okay and not to care about what others say.

I tell myself not to worry about what others say. Go after what you want, pursue the one you love, and follow your path. Let others talk. This is courage. It's something you can practice.

Sometimes we suffer because we don't accept reality or ourselves.

In the past two years, I have learned to love myself and accept myself.

Don't be self-deprecating or give up on yourself. Value yourself.

Self-acceptance starts with your own shortcomings. If you are slow, accept that it's also an advantage. Being slow shows you are patient. Accept your shortcomings.

Nobody's perfect. It's normal to have flaws.

Practice slowly to develop your skills.

Don't live up to other people's expectations.

Accept yourself, good and bad. When you're sad, read these words. I hope they help.

I hope you'll get out of this state soon.