What should I do if I want to escape my family of origin and I feel especially oppressed at home? How can I regulate this?

Hello, question asker! I just wanted to say that I'm here for you.

After reading the questioner's words, I feel like giving them a hug.

We're all still learning the ropes when it comes to being kids, and our parents are also new to the role of parents. They might not have all the answers when it comes to what makes a good parent, so it can seem like they're not doing a great job of taking care of their kids.

It seems like the OP might not feel loved by his parents.

But from what the OP says, it seems like their parents still care about them. Otherwise, why would they have spent money to send the OP to school and try to find a job for them? I know some classmates who dropped out of high school without finishing, but at least their parents tried to help them.

Their generation may be more conservative at heart, and they feel that having a job means having a foundation. They don't know what kind of job is considered a good job, so they can only take the most misguided approach and listen to what other people say. But the questioner knows what kind of job is not a good job.

So, there's a difference of opinion because you see things differently.

Given all this, I don't want the question asker to blindly obey their parents. I just want them to understand that their parents may not be as bad as they think.

We can affirm our parents' love without necessarily having to affirm the way they love us.

I think that being in a repressive environment for a long time is not good for your mental health. It's not impossible that a moderate distance creates beauty. The questioner can think about this approach.

You might want to try to find a job first and then tell your parents about your plans and intentions. If they know you have plans and a place to go, they may not be so opposed. I think the questioner said that because they hadn't found a job after graduation, their parents asked someone to find a connection and give a red envelope to secure a position.

It seems like the parents don't love the questioner, but maybe they just used the wrong method.

My mother also said I was dark and ugly when I was young. In our culture, we tend to be humble and conservative, used to suppressing and lecturing, and not used to expressing love verbally. This makes it difficult for us to be affirmed by our parents.

I think the best thing for the questioner to do is to ignore the emotional expressions of their parents.

Just to give you some context!

Dear original poster, It is as though I were meeting you in person just by reading your words.

From your two lengthy paragraphs, I can discern the overwhelming pressure you face at home. Your parents have placed significant expectations on you during your formative years, making it challenging for you to live your life according to your true aspirations. At this moment, I would like to extend my support and encouragement across the screen, as you have been burdened by the responsibility of meeting your parents' expectations for an extended period. Despite the difficulties, you have persevered and have reached this point, which is truly commendable.

I believe you have a strong desire to break free from the control exerted by your family of origin, and I commend you for seeking assistance.

Once you have had an opportunity to calm down, let us turn to the matter of depression management, based on your description.

In the initial paragraph of your description, you indicated that your parents did not provide adequate care and support during your formative years. You also stated that they did not address your emotional needs or offer guidance when faced with challenges at school. Additionally, you mentioned that they did not inquire about your well-being and responded to your depression with criticism and blame. If I may suggest, it might be helpful to consider these experiences from a different perspective.

While one cannot choose one's family of origin, one can choose not to bear one's parents' expectations on one's own shoulders or not to bear them fully.

I would like to inquire as to why you took on the emotions that did not belong to you in the aforementioned misunderstandings. There were a multitude of emotions that did not belong to you, yet you passively accepted them.

My dear, the depression you feel during these events is largely the result of your parents' lack of understanding. You are under no obligation to take responsibility for your parents' lack of understanding. It is their regret that they don't understand you, and it is they who need to make adjustments. Given that we cannot change them, it is realistic and achievable for us to adjust ourselves in the meantime.

Furthermore, you stated that your parents requested assistance in securing employment for you. You then proceeded to relay a series of unusual occurrences that transpired before and after you commenced your professional endeavors, which you asserted had a detrimental impact on your personal values. I empathize with your situation and wish to offer you some crucial advice.

It is important to note that the influence of our family of origin on us is already predetermined from the moment we are born. All parents are first-time parents, and since it is the first time, they are definitely inexperienced. This lack of experience can be made up for through continuous learning, but it is important to recognize that we cannot ensure that we will only encounter "learning parents." Since they are not all "learning parents," there will be differences in their character, habits, and modes of behavior. Therefore, it is essential to understand parents from this perspective.

I will allow you a brief period to collect your thoughts. While parents are deserving of understanding, they are not entitled to forgiveness.

By "not forgiving," I mean that we can have our own opinions about what we have experienced and find a way to escape from it. However, before you do so, please start quietly building up your strength for the action of "running towards the life you yearn for." Once you have built up enough strength, you will be able to run with the wind at your feet, leaving their complaints, doubts, and control far behind you. A brand new world that you can roam freely will welcome you!

I would like to extend another gesture of support and encouragement in the form of a hug from across the screen.

The future is in your hands.

I am aware that you are experiencing fatigue, so please ensure you take care of yourself and proceed at your own pace.

I hope this message finds you well.

Hello, I can see how you're feeling. It seems like your parents don't care about you emotionally. They can't meet your psychological needs and blame you for their own shortcomings. You're left feeling worthless. It's like they don't understand you at work either. You feel like you have to be obedient to them to be good, but if you're not, they'll belittle you. They don't seem to care about your feelings or thoughts. It's like there's a communication breakdown between you.

If you find that home is causing you more trouble and discomfort, leaving home to live independently may be a good option. From the article, it seems like you've already taken steps to prepare to find work elsewhere after the New Year!

I'm happy for you. It shows you're trying to improve your situation and feel more comfortable!

I can relate to you and I understand your mixed feelings about your parents. Maybe they're not as bad as you think. They may not know how to love you because they grew up in the same way and have never experienced what it means to be loved well. They're just doing the best they can! If you can see this, you might feel a little better about your complaints against your parents.

Of course, understanding them does not mean that you should put up with it. It is really unfair to you, but the good news is that you are now an adult, capable of choosing your own life and deciding your own path. This is a great place to start!

Next time you have a disagreement with your parents, remind yourself that what they say might not be the whole truth and that you might not be entirely at fault. It's possible that they're just giving their opinion, which could be different from the objective truth. When you're feeling particularly uncomfortable, take a deep breath and meditate to relax. This can help you distance yourself from their opinion and see things more clearly.

Just for your info.

Hello, I'm Zi Ding Ya Xiang, and I'm thrilled to answer your questions!

First, I'll give you a big hug across the air to soothe your inner sadness and the sense of powerlessness given by the difficult-to-escape original family. But don't worry! I'm here to help.

After carefully reading the content of the questioner's confession, I can strongly empathize with the sense of powerlessness imprisoned by the original family and the feeling of wanting to escape urgently. Let's sort out the current situation and the first problem that should be solved. I'm excited to help!

(1) Your parents have never really indoctrinated you, and that's a good thing!

When you were a child, your parents took care of your basic needs, and you were free to explore your inner world. You had to deal with bullying at school and depression on your own, and you spent those lonely times when you needed psychological support the most, learning to be independent.

They can no longer stand on the same side as you, protect you, or care for you. But you've moved on to bigger and better things! The parents' hegemonic demands and ideas are still in agreement, and they always discredit the relationship between you and them.

(2) After starting work, parents continued to interfere, making you feel even more confined.

Once you entered the real world, you quickly realized that finding a suitable job was a whole other ballgame. Your parents, bless their hearts, tried to help by arranging a job for you through their connections. You learned that this job was actually pretty good and that you could get it with relative ease. Unfortunately, you also discovered that the work environment wasn't as fair as you'd hoped. At this point, you were already brimming with the confidence and determination to blaze your own trail. You decided to take the bull by the horns and resign. You'd already come to the realization that you could grow up independently, and you were excited to put that to the test!

Afterwards, he boldly confronted his parents and found a job that suited him perfectly! At this point, he was ready to break free from his parents' control and arrangements.

From the above analysis, you have actually begun to think independently about your own problems. You have grown up to the point where you can solve your own problems on your own, and no longer need your parents to arrange work for you. Next, just do what you think is right—you've got this!

First, find a job you love and start living your best life! Stay clear of your parents' arrangements.

Second, it's time to rebuild a confident personality! The psychological trauma brought on by the original family can be slowly healed.

And finally, on the path of self-growth, it is time to consider the exciting possibility of reconciling with your parents! After all, your parents ultimately raised you, and now it's time to embrace them as they embrace you.

As they grow older and we become parents ourselves, we can understand them and gradually reconcile with them. It's a wonderful thing!

Happy New Year!

The New Year is going to be the rebirth of a brand new you!

Good morning, landlord. I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted to drop you a quick line to let you know that I'm smiling.

After reading your description, I believe I understand the question you want to ask better. If I may, I'd like to give you a hug in the fourth dimension.

From what you've shared, it seems like you're experiencing some immediate thoughts and feelings. It's understandable that you're feeling the impact of your family of origin's influence, and that you're seeking a way to create more space for yourself.

From what you have described, it seems that your parents have been quite involved in your work and life, which may have led to feelings of being overwhelmed and anxious. It's understandable that you feel a bit restricted by the fact that your parents have taken care of your work for you, without having asked themselves if this is something they truly enjoy.

Furthermore, it seems that your parents may have a tendency to resist your emotional expression, rather than putting themselves in your shoes and attributing many problems to your own problems. This could potentially lead to feelings of being overwhelmed or at a loss, as you may deeply desire care and understanding from your parents, not their blind accusations. It's understandable that you might feel the need to escape this environment and work and live at your own pace.

In this regard, I have also put together a few suggestions that I hope will help you find some relief from the current situation.

(1) It may be challenging for us as individuals to fully distance ourselves from the negative influence of our original family. However, we can take steps to minimize the impact it has on us.

(2) When you are under a lot of pressure, you might consider finding ways to relieve it through activities like sports, music, keeping a diary, chatting, etc. Rather than pushing yourself too hard, you might benefit from creating a space to release your innermost feelings and thoughts.

(3) When you make the decision to seek employment elsewhere, it may be perceived as a rejection of the job your parents have found for you. It is therefore important to take responsibility for your own choices and not to dwell on this aspect too much.

(4) It might be helpful to try to establish clear boundaries, which could involve cutting off some of the negative things your parents say to you. Often, these negative things are just the parents' complaints and grievances, rather than about you.

(5) You might consider chatting with your friends and sharing your thoughts to help you feel better. It's okay to express your feelings, even if they're negative.

I hope that the world and I can show you our love.

I wish you the best.

Hello, question asker. I can see from your description that you're feeling a lot of things right now, including anger, sadness, depression, impatience, and powerlessness.

When you were young, your parents didn't always show you the love and support you needed. They also tried to control and suppress you, which made you feel like they weren't doing their job as parents.

When you grow up, your parents help you find several jobs, but none of them is satisfactory. You want to go to a different city to find a job on your own, but your parents are a little upset with you for it.

I really get where you're coming from. It can be tough when your parents don't know how to show you love. It's natural to want them to care for you more, support you more, and encourage you more. We all want to be a good child in our parents' eyes!

☘️ Life is yours, and you have every right to choose!

I can see that your parents have found you several jobs that you're not happy with, and you'd like to find a job on your own. I can understand why you'd feel this way, as your parents don't understand you and have scolded you.

As an adult child, it's so important to remember that you've grown up and have the amazing ability to take responsibility for your own life. You have the right to make your own choices, and that's something to be proud of!

On the other hand, when you make a choice that is different from your parents' ideas, you are absolutely not wrong! You should never feel guilty or blame yourself.

It's totally okay to fight with your parents for the initiative of your own life. It's not being unfilial or disobeying your parents.

You're not a kid anymore, sweetheart. You're an adult, and you've got to learn to stand on your own two feet.

So, you can think about what your parents say, but at the end of the day, you've got to listen to yourself when you're making a choice.

I know it's tough, but I really encourage you to try to accept your parents and accept yourself.

I can tell you're feeling a lot of anger and resentment towards your parents, and you feel like they don't love you.

I really hope you can also try to see that your parents have always loved you in their own way. They just didn't have enough ability to know what true love is, sweetie.

And they don't have the ability to understand and feel your real needs and feelings.

But that doesn't mean they don't love you! It's just that they don't know how to love and make you happy. Even though we weren't very happy, they supported us as we grew up.

At the same time, we also need to accept that we can't change the fact that we have such parents.

I really hope that when you have the ability, maturity, strength, and perspective to see things clearly, you will be able to accept this fact.

Wishing you all the best!

Dear Sir/Madam, Thank you for your question.

From your description, it appears that your parents lacked the qualifications and ability to raise children effectively. This resulted in their inability to educate their children properly, which in turn led to the negative emotions you experienced. Your anxious and depressed emotions suggest that your parents did not provide you with sufficient love and support, and that you did not have the opportunity to grow up independently. Consequently, these negative emotions are likely to persist.

Conversely, the inability to vent negative emotions stems from an inability to discern the underlying causes of these emotions and to differentiate between one's parents and one's emotional boundaries. In the absence of a clear delineation of boundaries, individuals may unintentionally allow their parents to encroach upon their private lives.

Upon graduation, it becomes evident that life necessitates self-care and the pursuit of employment. Without the assistance of relatives, it is possible to secure a position and a lifestyle that align with one's aspirations. However, job opportunities introduced by relatives can also lead to significant challenges, largely due to the lack of clarity regarding the boundaries between relatives and individuals seeking employment.

The following solutions are proposed:

[1] It is essential to differentiate between one's own emotions and those of others.

For example, consider the influence of external factors such as the opinions of others, the perceptions of others, and the statements made by one's parents. Given the potential shortcomings of one's upbringing, it may be advisable to avoid undue concern about the opinions and actions of others. Instead, focus on developing a sense of self-worth and well-being, while maintaining independence from external influences.

[2] Augment one's inner fortitude and sense of security.

Furthermore, it can be observed that the subject displays a lack of robust strength, which may potentially result in the experience of boundary violations at work and the imposition of familial responsibilities. Additionally, it can be posited that the subject's sense of inner security may be partially deficient, which in turn gives rise to the manifestation of adverse emotional states. Consequently, it can be argued that the enhancement of inner strength and the cultivation of a robust sense of security are essential. This can be achieved through the engagement with literary works, educational courses, and activities that foster a positive and comprehensive inner energy.

[3] It is important to develop the ability to recognize emotions and to identify the underlying causes of their emergence.

Indeed, it is beneficial to be aware of one's emotions. However, it is crucial to analyze the underlying reasons for these emotions in order to identify potential countermeasures and assess their effectiveness. For instance, individuals may be highly concerned about the opinions and feedback of others, yet these comments may not hold significant weight in their lives. These so-called comments are merely that: comments. It is essential to recognize that we cannot fully comprehend the thoughts and feelings of others, let alone our own selves. By developing an understanding of ourselves, recognizing negative emotions, and adjusting our mindset, we can gradually enhance our personal growth and well-being.

[4] It is imperative to learn to take responsibility for one's own life.

From the moment of birth, an individual is already a self-aware being, capable of independent thought and action. While parents may raise their children with the intention of fostering their wellbeing, the advent of self-awareness necessitates the development of independence and personal responsibility. Every stage of life, every act of growth, requires an understanding of one's inner self. This understanding, in turn, requires a capacity for self-love, as well as the development of a personality and spirit that are independent and mature.

In conclusion, it is essential to enhance self-confidence and self-belief, and to recognise that separation from one's parents can be a beneficial experience. It is vital to assume responsibility for one's own life, and to understand that the consequences of one's actions are a personal burden. It is important to develop resilience and self-control, and to believe that improvement will occur gradually.

It is my hope that the aforementioned information will prove to be of some assistance to you.