What should I do if my 8-year-old child is shy and lacks confidence from a young age?

The questioner describes the child's "timid" behaviors and the efforts made to "build his courage." It is evident that the questioner is eager to change the child's character and mold him into what the questioner wants, or what the questioner imagines an 8-year-old boy to be like.

But surely the questioner must have wondered why the child displays these timid and lack of self-confidence behaviours as described?

His parents divorced early, and he lives with his father (and probably his grandparents as well). His mother doesn't care about him, and he doesn't care about her. His father and grandparents are very strict with him, expecting good grades and active participation in class activities. He also has to attend various interest classes outside of school hours according to his father's schedule.

However, the teacher in class is clueless, he can't do his homework, and when he asks his grandparents, they don't know either. His father is often too busy to help, and when he is available, he doesn't have the patience to help, just scolds him for not knowing how to do it.

Some kids in the class know that he doesn't have a mother and laugh at him for being unattended. He has no friends at school, and the other kids all say they don't want to play with him. But he knows better than to ask his grandparents, because he knows it will make them sad. He's trying to be sensible.

Dad works hard and spends a lot of money on enrolling him in many interest classes. He doesn't like them, but he doesn't want to disappoint dad and attends all of them. However, he really isn't interested in these activities. In drama, he has to memorize a lot of lines, but he can't remember them. In soccer, he has to keep running and fighting with his peers, but he doesn't have the stamina to keep up.

A child's character is influenced by genetics, but also by parenting styles. Children form their views of themselves from their parents' evaluation of them. If parents have high expectations of their children, compare them horizontally, scold them harshly, etc., children will incorporate these negative evaluations into their definition of themselves, which will inevitably seriously affect their self-esteem and self-confidence.

The child's timid nature is only a superficial phenomenon. To truly understand the child, the questioner must look beyond this and recognize the child's real needs. This requires a non-judgmental and compassionate approach.

From your narrative, it can be seen that you, as a parent, are concerned about your child's overall life plan and character development trajectory. Therefore, to avoid the occurrence of the issues you have identified, you have decided to sign him up for extracurricular interest classes.

I am unsure if these extracurricular classes are of interest to him or if you believe they may be beneficial for his development. Regardless of the quality of the extracurricular interest class, it is essential that the child is interested in it. For instance, while drama is a highly regarded pursuit, the child must have an interest in acting.

The child is eight years old, has exhibited timidity since childhood, and displays low self-confidence.

He is slower than his peers in all areas and demonstrates a lack of understanding.

It would be beneficial for him to engage in physical activities and consider ways to build up his courage.

The subject displays timidity.

The subject displays exemplary conduct.

For example, football is a great team sport, and the story of Pelé is still well-known. However, it may require your child to have athletic ability. Similarly, painting also requires artistic ability.

In order to ascertain the life development your child truly desires, it would be advisable to consult with them directly.

It is the duty of parents to respect their children and ensure that they are able to make their own decisions.

It is important to create an active family atmosphere to allow the child to flourish.

It would be beneficial to consider why some children are very confident and can actively participate in extracurricular activities, having a clear understanding of their preferences. It is also important to assess whether the child's initiative is respected.

He is a model employee, perhaps he has been a model employee since he was hired, and he is still very young, so he needs more encouragement. Let him make his own decisions, because if he doesn't make decisions, it will be difficult to build up his confidence.

He needs to be confident and energetic, and he needs a moderate, democratic, and loving education. This may sound challenging, but well-behaved children have the advantage of being well-behaved. It cannot be assumed that being well-behaved or noisy is necessarily a bad thing.

By applying Montessori's concept of education based on love, parents can gain insight into their child's actions and identify the underlying reasons behind them. Children have a natural curiosity about their own desires and future aspirations.

This can also be asked. At present, he may be unremarkable, but that is not uncommon. It is important to recognize and appreciate what we have in the ordinary, and to avoid mediocrity. This is the portrayal of each of us. Children can have more wants on the agenda, and activating initiative and diligence will boost their confidence.

Please advise.

Hello!

You mentioned in your description that you divorced the mother of your child very early. If the divorce occurs before the age of three, it can have an even greater impact on the child. The younger the baby, the more it needs to connect with its mother. The child has the amazing opportunity to construct its self-identity through its mother's reflection. If the parents divorce when the child is very young and the mother leaves, it can be a great trauma for the child, but it also gives the child the chance to develop resilience and strength!

This is a crucial element in a child's development of self-confidence and assertiveness.

Second, it would be great to know if the mother is divorced and, if so, whether she visits the child regularly. And who does the child grow up with?

If the child grew up with grandparents, the grandparents may have attached great importance to the child's clothing and food due to the generation gap. However, providing for the child's clothing and food is not enough. The good news is that there is more that can be done! Apart from good food and clothing, it is more important to provide the child with psychological nourishment. Material satisfaction is short-lived. The even better news is that by giving the child spiritual and emotional nourishment, he will be truly happy and content!

This kind of satisfaction and happiness lasts a long time!

Some parents make mistakes in their education. In family education, some parents could stand to be a little more patient and set a little higher expectations for their children. For example, they may set a certain score that their child must achieve on an exam, and if the child fails to achieve it, they will scold and belittle the child. Some parents adopt an authoritarian style, even resorting to violence and abuse, thinking that "spare the rod and spoil the child."

Let's not forget about the elderly folks who are a bit too concerned about their children. They think their kids don't have their mom around, so they try to compensate by forbidding them to do certain things. But here's the thing: as children enter adolescence, their sense of adulthood and self-awareness develop rapidly! They want to be independent and autonomous. Unfortunately, this need isn't always met, their self-esteem is thwarted, or they are "taken care of" for a long time. This can result in poor self-care skills and a lack of courage and perseverance to overcome difficulties. When they interact with peers, they feel that "they can't do anything well," and the more they feel inferior. But there's hope! With the right guidance, they can learn to embrace their independence and autonomy.

Some children are abandoned and neglected by their parents. After a couple divorces, they don't pay enough attention to their children, and some even "push the children around." Some parents, although they accept their children, don't really take responsibility for them, don't care about them, and even always say in front of their children that it's because of them that the family is in such a mess. Such "abandonment" and neglect make the child unable to experience the love of their parents, and they feel like a burden. Slowly, they feel more and more like they are superfluous, and then they become self-deprecating and withdrawn, because they feel that neither parent loves them, that they dislike them, and that they feel like they are unwanted. The child's self-esteem is shattered, and they have no energy. In severe cases, they suffer from depression. But there's hope! With the right support, these children can overcome these challenges and thrive.

I'm here to tell you, parents, that even if you and your partner can't see eye to eye, you mustn't refuse each other's visitation rights. It's so important to remember that your child is innocent and shouldn't be used as a weapon. Whatever the reason for your separation, your child is still the most important thing in your life. Don't let them lose the love of either parent, even if it's only for a short time. Refusing your child's other parent's visitation rights could cause them to suffer a second time, and this kind of harm may be irreversible. You never know, your child might even grow up feeling a lifetime of unmet love.

As your child grows up, you should let him understand that you and his mother or father really can't live together anymore for some reason, and that you will both be fine apart. The good news is that you can see each other whenever you want! It's also a great idea to communicate with your child regularly, either by phone or in person, so that your child doesn't feel a conspicuous lack of attention. Once your child has adapted to the process, he will be able to psychologically adjust on his own and minimize the influence of his parents on him.

At the same time, tell your child the best news ever! Mom and dad are going to love you just as much as before, even though they won't be living together anymore. Your parents' love for you will never change!

So, in the end, show your child more love, patience, and emotional and spiritual care. Encourage your child more, support him, and look at him with an appreciative eye. It'll be worth it!

Wishing you all the best!

Hello,

Host:

After carefully reading the post, it is evident that the author is experiencing parenting anxiety. Seeking help on this platform will undoubtedly help the author gain a deeper understanding of her son and herself.

and adjust the way he spends time with his son.

I will now share my observations and thoughts from the post, which will help the poster gain a richer perspective on the current situation.

1. The poster wants an ideal child.

The poster is strict with her son's education. I have enrolled him in a number of extracurricular interest classes, including drama, football, painting, etc. to boost his courage and boldness. I understand the poster's feelings and know she intends to do what is best for her child.

We have all seen the result of this. I have a question for the hostess: did you sign up her son for so many interest classes that he liked?

Did you ask for his opinion and feelings?

Or is it simply that the host believes his son needs all this? Because he is unable to accept his son as he is, he wants him to become what he expects.

We absolutely have expectations of our children. What we need to understand is that when they are young, they don't yet have the knowledge to understand themselves.

He is learning about himself through external feedback. He wants to know if mom and dad like him, if he is popular, if they know what he likes, and if they provide the support and acceptance he needs when he needs it.

He has a basic understanding of himself through these. If he is welcomed and his parents accept and tolerate him, he will have confidence.

On the contrary, they naturally become less confident. These actions will undoubtedly make the poster's son feel that the real him is not welcome and not liked.

The poster needs to think about this for herself. Accepting your child for who they are will make them feel warm and supported, and it will make them more confident.

2. Reaction: It's not a problem if it's a little slower.

From the post, it is clear that the poster's son has been timid since childhood and reacts half a beat slower than others. I have a deep understanding of this.

The host seems to believe that it's normal for his son to be like other children. But is this really the only standard?

And when we expect our children to follow such standards, we must ask ourselves how the child feels.

The host should put themselves in the other person's shoes. How would you feel if your work performance was not as good as your colleagues'?

The child may have discovered this on his own. He is naturally anxious and worried, and if his parents still "dislike" him, then he will feel twice as anxious. There's no way he can be confident in that situation.

Everyone has their own growth code. Children need adults who understand, support, tolerate, recognize, and appreciate them. They need unconditional love from their parents. Only then will they feel welcome and liked for who they really are. Conditional love makes children feel that their parents only like them when they achieve something.

They don't like me.

3. Take your child to the park and play games with them.

Playing games and exercising can also boost a child's confidence. If your child can build a tower of blocks by himself, he will feel a sense of accomplishment and know that he can do it himself.

This kind of feeling, when accumulated, will nourish him and make him more confident. And exercising the body will make it stronger.

This sense of strength also helps children improve their self-confidence. We don't let them do this just to get our attention.

Rather, we love him and we know he can become better.

4. I see myself in my relationship with my son.

The poster wants an ideal son or an expected son. We can see this in the post. But we must ask ourselves: does one also expect an ideal self?

There is a lot of dissatisfaction with the real self, and the ideal self is expected.

If we have this kind of thinking pattern and are not aware of it, we will unconsciously project it onto our relationship with our son. This may seem like dissatisfaction with our son, but it is, in fact, dissatisfaction with ourselves.

The host needs to think about this: she doesn't accept herself, so she can't accept her son either.

If so, the host needs to cultivate harmony within himself first.

This will naturally adjust the relationship with her son.

I am confident that these words have been of some inspiration to the poster.

Hello. Thanks for your question.

I want to chat with you about your question.

1. Children can be timid.

My son is eight. He has always been timid. He is slower than others at everything. His comprehension, manual dexterity, and motor skills are a year behind those of his peers. I can relate to this.

The child in question seems timid and insecure. This is an external manifestation of an internal feeling of insecurity and fear. We are all born with a positive nature.

If we feel the outside world is safe, we can explore it without fear.

The original poster mentioned that he and his child's mother had divorced, but it's unclear why. One thing is certain, though: if the parents' relationship is bad, the child will be timid and insecure.

Some families can love their children together after a divorce. This gives them a sense of security, love, and acceptance. In this case, children will slowly be willing to open up and explore the world.

They also show more curiosity and energy.

2. The original poster wants to nurture.

I enrolled him in extracurricular classes to boost his confidence, but it didn't work. My friends say he's well-behaved, but I don't think so. This shows he lacks confidence. His mother and I divorced, and we were strict with his education. He's average in class and not very active. He only participates in class activities if they're mandatory.

You've been dedicated to your child's education, but the results aren't what you hoped for. You're disappointed.

Be patient with yourself. You've done your best as a father. Be patient with your child too.

I think the child's good behavior is related to your strict parenting. Can we be less strict and give the child more encouragement and support?

3. Will a child lack self-confidence?

He just doesn't stand out. Will this lead to a lack of self-confidence?

You're worried about your child lacking self-confidence, right?

Why are we worried about our children lacking confidence? Can we accept that we lack confidence?

Is confidence linked to excellence?

We often project our own traits onto others. Is it really so hard to accept that we are not confident?

Is natural confidence possible?

We are all born with low self-esteem. That is why Adler talks about transcending inferiority.

The opposite of low self-esteem is self-confidence. You don't need a skill to be confident.

Self-confidence is believing you are capable and valuable in a certain way.

To give our children true self-confidence, we need to see and accept them for who they are. We can encourage them by saying, "You really are a child with very stable grades in the middle range."

Praise him.

Nobody's perfect. There's no such thing as a bad person, or a good person. You can only change if you accept others.

I hope this helps. I love you.

Hello, I'm Yiyashu. I'm here to help you with this problem.

Your words show that you are worried about your son's lack of confidence. As a father, you want your son to be lively, positive, outgoing, and confident. You are anxious about your son's lack of confidence and have tried to change this by taking him to various classes. However, the results have not been good.

Today, I will help the questioner sort out and answer the issue of his son's lack of confidence.

As parents, we need to understand that children reflect our own behavior.

A child is born a blank slate. Their personality is shaped by their parents and the environment.

When children show character and behavioral problems, we should look at ourselves.

Some of the child's behaviors and states may reflect the parent's own state.

Let's focus on you and I'll give you some analysis.

First, notice if you're usually anxious. You say you usually manage your child quite strictly, which is a breakthrough.

You and the child's mother divorced early, and the child lacked maternal love in his early years. Being separated from his mother at a young age was a great hurt to him. The fact that his mother does not live with him has given him a great blow. He is likely to be afraid of being teased by his classmates and at home he also needs to avoid mentioning his thoughts and true feelings about his mother. Therefore, he has a heavy burden in his heart.

If you are strict with his education and only show him stern love, he will feel that the world is cruel. He will feel inferior and troubled. His father is also strict with him. Every day, he will feel inferior and anxious.

How can a child be lively, cheerful, and confident if he's in this state of mind?

Enrolling him in lots of classes won't help because the real problem is the family atmosphere and the way you love your son.

Your anxiety will affect your child's performance. If you want your child to become confident quickly, your anxiety will be perceived by your child. He already has a lot of psychological pain and burden due to the influence of the family. Your anxiety will make him even more stressed. It is difficult for a person to become cheerful and confident in a very stressful and depressing state.

This also affects the questioner's child.

You should not feel guilty. It is normal to feel unsure as a first-time father. Your past divorce has also affected you, so it is reasonable that it has affected your child.

What should you do to improve the situation?

The questioner should focus on themselves, not just the child.

Children reflect their parents' states. To change your child's state, first change your own.

If you're stressed, unhappy, full of self-doubt, or worried, you'll expect more from your child.

If you are unhappy, it will affect your child. Focus on yourself, and your son will improve.

Don't be too strict with your son. Be more tolerant in your education. The child needs motherly love. If the father doesn't give it, the child will feel oppressed. This is bad for his development.

The questioner needs to be more flexible with his parenting style to give his child more freedom and warmth.

My last piece of advice is to heal your past relationship trauma. It will affect you and your child.

This is my analysis and suggestions for the questioner's problem.

A child's interests don't just come from a lot of education. If you're trying to change him through a lot of guidance without considering his situation, it'll just make him more closed off in the chaos.

Every child is different, and their zone of proximal development and academic ability vary. It's not helpful to compare a child with their peers. Instead, focus on their strengths, set goals that are unique to them, and help them find what they're good at.

Parents are guides for their children's growth, not controllers. In particular, for kids who develop more slowly and have low self-esteem, if you set goals for them all the time, they'll just become more obedient and keep going to different classes.

Such growth won't help him grow any more. And as the closest person, if you don't recognize his strengths, it'll affect him in life, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

To grow, he needs to explore on his own. You can't be there for every decision.

When you're dealing with a shy or insecure child, it's important to communicate with them more about things that matter to them, let them express their opinions, and help them make decisions.

A good knowledge education can help him grow up better. The right psychological education can make it easier for him to fit in socially.

Maybe he's not the star student, but he's got his own strengths. They've just been overlooked as he tries to keep up with the others, without considering his actual situation. It's fine to catch up for a while and go with the flow, but when other kids his age have found their direction, he'll face even bigger challenges.