What should I do if my gentle and attentive boyfriend is afraid of his mother and does whatever she says?

Hello. I am a Heart Exploration coach. Everything is easy. Your problem is that your gentle and attentive boyfriend obeys his mother's every word out of fear of her. You need to take control.

You've been with your boyfriend for two years and usually get along well. However, whenever it comes to his family, you suffer terribly. His mother is dominant, and his father has a low sense of responsibility. He is afraid of his mother and obeys her.

Your boyfriend is absent in all important matters. He needs to ask his mother for permission for anything he and I want to do, and his mother usually says no.

Your boyfriend's good points are that he is gentle and attentive, understands you, and gives you strength. However, his drawback is that he listens to his mother on everything. As long as his mother doesn't let go, he dares not move. This kind of relationship makes the questioner feel very painful and troubled.

The questioner needs to recognize her most important needs in an intimate relationship.

You need companionship because you are suffering from anxiety. Your family needs help because of the death of a loved one. He cannot meet your needs because he is afraid of disobeying his mother.

You need your boyfriend to understand you, give you strength in words, and accompany you in your actions. He should also be unavailable when you need him. Can you accept this mode of interaction in your relationship?

If you can accept his powerlessness, you can continue the relationship.

Your boyfriend is torn between the life issues of independence and dependence. He has not yet completed his own psychological separation from his original family because he believes that he is responsible for his mother.

You've seen firsthand how he chooses to prioritize his mother's needs over yours.

Psychologically, topic separation is clear: the person responsible for the consequences of an event is the one who has the topic, and no one else has the right to interfere.

Your boyfriend's mother chooses to control her son's freedom and actions, and her son accepts her control because he feels responsible for her choices. He is currently unable to separate from her and establish a sense of his own boundaries.

Your relationship is also greatly influenced by his mother. He can only freely spend time with you in your relationship if he breaks away from his symbiotic relationship with his mother and becomes independent.

Your relationship is about meeting each other's needs. If you want to make it work, your boyfriend has to be willing to break away from his mother's influence. Is he ready to pay the price for your relationship?

You have no power to change their family relationship. It's a life issue for your boyfriend and his mother. The only part you can change and adjust is your own.

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Greetings, Dear Questioner,

From your previous description, it is evident that you have a positive relationship with your boyfriend. However, the influence of his family has led to a shift in the dynamics of your relationship. You have observed that your boyfriend lacks independence and responsibility, which has potentially contributed to the emergence of his motherly tendencies. He is not yet aware of the long-lasting impact of his family's influence and the implications it holds for his future.

It is important to recognize that when individuals leave the care and support of their parents, they become independent and bear responsibility for their own decisions. If a partner is unable to accept this aspect of independence in a relationship, it may be advisable to consider the potential implications.

(1) Should one choose to remain in the relationship, it is inevitable that the mother will attempt to compete with the partner for the affections of the child.

This situation is a consequence of his mother's lack of emotional maturity and her inability to comprehend the significance of parenting. Each individual is accountable for the consequences of their actions. His approach is to expect the child to demonstrate greater affection when he is present. This expectation hinders the child's potential for growth and development.

(2) Even if marriage is pursued, significant challenges are likely to persist.

As a result of entering into a marital relationship, conflicts will gradually intensify. The boyfriend in question lacks both his own opinions and the capacity to assume responsibility for the family unit. In an intimate relationship, he has demonstrated an inability to flourish independently. Consequently, if the couple were to marry, the resulting conflicts and problems would likely originate from the original family. This is because the formation of a family is contingent upon the dissolution of the original family structure, a process that necessitates the autonomy of each individual, including the family unit itself.

(3) Upon examination of the circumstances surrounding your boyfriend, it is imperative to engage in a rational analysis to ascertain the merits of continuing the relationship.

I am not requesting that you choose to terminate the relationship. My hope is merely that you can engage with this relationship in a rational manner. Is this relationship truly worthwhile?

Even if there is a strong mutual attachment and a high level of affection, if the individual in question is unable to navigate the dynamics between themselves and their mother, this is an indicator of a deeper issue. Ultimately, the consequences of one's actions, both immediate and long-term, must be borne. These consequences can be significant and distressing.

(4) Cultivate an independent sense of self-security and self-love.

In this situation, it is important to ascertain whether there are still unmet needs for independence, whether one is able to satisfy the needs of one's partner, and whether one is able to face these needs calmly and rationally. It is also essential to recognize that love does not necessarily solve all problems. Only those who are capable, responsible, and have a sense of duty are able to understand the most reasonable way to solve problems and learn to become independent and grow.

Ultimately, one must ascertain whether they are suited to this relationship and whether this person aligns with their standards for a partner in an intimate relationship. A beneficial intimate relationship or a successful marriage is a process in which two independent individuals unite to separate from their original families, manage their marriage independently but also collaboratively, and ultimately gain insight into the essence of marriage.

It is this author's sincere hope that the original poster will soon be released from his distress.

Hello!

I understand your sadness and frustration. It's hard for boyfriends to meet their partners' needs when their mothers pressure them. Even if they hide it from their mothers and come to be with you, both sides feel pressure and suffer.

This is a typical triangular relationship. There's a strong mother, a weak son, and a helpless, hopeless, and sad you.

A mother's strength comes from her own unhappiness in her marriage. This often makes her want to control her son. She sees you as a "rival" for her son. This leads to an antagonistic relationship. As you said, "Whatever he and I want to do, his mother usually won't agree."

My son is 27 and still dependent on his mother. He lacks independence and autonomy, which makes it hard for him to take responsibility. He is also naive about things like leaving his mother alone. His gentleness and attentiveness are a result of his mother's strong control.

This kind of relationship can feel painful and powerless. It's exhausting because it's a triangle and involves a pull and hostility that can't be changed easily. The mother and son need to grow up, but the mother often doesn't recognize her problems and the son often lacks courage.

Growing up is painful, and so is change. The key is whether they will take this step.

If you stay and grow with him, you'll need courage and be ready to pay the price.

You have the power to choose.

I wish you a happy life.

Hello, the person who is caught in an invisible tug-of-war with her boyfriend's mother.

After reading your message, I felt a bit down. I'd like to give you a hug.

From what I've read, you seem to be a very obedient girl who understands others very well. Despite the pressure of the test and the pain of the death of a loved one, your narrative is still full of love and concern for your boyfriend. You objectively describe things without excessive judgment. I feel for you, and I admire you too.

But this won't help you deal with the pain and issues caused by your boyfriend's "mama's boy" traits. Similarly, I don't think your boyfriend's understanding and support for you, as well as his gentleness and attentiveness, can be used as a way to "offset" the pain and issues.

Given that you're still in the dating phase, your boyfriend's mother's influence is already significant. It's challenging to anticipate the dynamics of a potential future marriage, where your boyfriend's mother becomes your mother-in-law and you transition from girlfriend to wife. I apologize for the pessimistic outlook.

I know that if your boyfriend isn't willing to grow and make changes, it'll be tough for him to protect you with so-called love and understanding. So, I'd like to ask you to set aside some time to think about what you want from love and marriage.

What are you looking for in a partner? It's only when we understand and are clear about our own needs that we can make the best choice.

Our choice of a partner is often influenced by the state of our parents' marriage, as well as our relationship with our father. Research shows that when women choose a partner, about 70% of them will choose someone who is more similar to their father, while the other 30% will most likely choose someone who is very different from their father.

Similarly, the male options are based on the mother, and the proportions are similar. You can try drawing a simple family relationship diagram yourself. Put the father on the left and the mother on the right, in parallel positions, and you below them. If you have any brothers or sisters, write them vertically below the parents in the order of your family.

Then, next to their names, write down their age, occupation, and six adjectives that come to mind. You can also make a brief note of the parents' marital relationship: close, average, distant, divorced, separated, etc. Then, see if there are any similar words that appear more often than others. These words are most likely the ones you value more.

You can use this simple family relationship diagram as a starting point for sorting things out. You can add as much detail as you like to see what your expectations are for your partner and future marriage.

While we figure things out, you might also try to have a good, honest conversation with your boyfriend. Talk to him about your feelings during your relationship with him. Tell him how he's supported you and also how his mother's interference has made you feel. Just like you've described here.

Of course, this kind of communication is unlikely to have any effect after just one or a few sessions. We need to make sure we're expressing our needs to him clearly and directly.

Based on your story, I'd suggest that you encourage your boyfriend to seek help from a professional counselor. His emotional reactions to his mother and the choices he has to make are clearly beyond what is expected of someone his age. With professional help, he can first release his stress and emotions and slowly find a path to personal growth.

This process will undoubtedly be challenging, but it's worth a try. Of course, it's his right and freedom to choose how he wants to proceed.

Your suggestions aren't just from his perspective, but also about the future of your relationship.

I'd also suggest you read "Intimate Relationships" by Lin Wentse and "Authentic Happiness" by Martin Seligman. I think these books will help you understand what you want from life.

I hope we can find the strength to love ourselves while loving others.

Greetings, inquirer. My name is Jia Ao, and I am not seeking conflict.

I have carefully read the problems and confusions you described on the platform. Are you experiencing difficulties in your romantic relationship? You indicate that your relationship with your boyfriend is satisfactory and that you typically have a positive rapport. However, he has a formidable and overbearing mother. It is acceptable if you do not communicate with him or interact with him, but when his family is involved, you experience significant distress. He is largely absent when it comes to important matters. He must consult with his mother on matters that concern him because he is a "mama's boy," and his mother has a strong desire to exert control over him. However, he does not want to cause his mother distress or upset. You are experiencing significant internal conflict due to your conflicting feelings about your boyfriend and his mother. Apart from his mother, your boyfriend is kind and attentive, and your character is relatively sensitive and submissive. He provides you with emotional value and has always given you strength. However, his "mama's boy" traits make you feel unhappy and resentful. What should you do?

The issue you are facing is one that many couples encounter. On the one hand, there is the relationship that you cannot let go of, and on the other hand, there is the overbearing and dominant mother. It is not possible to fall in love without her, but as long as you are in contact with her, you will be the one who suffers. It is not feasible for him to abandon his mother and only care about your feelings, and it is not possible for him to let go of his feelings for you. It seems that everything has reached an impasse. Is there a more effective way to deal with this problem?

I would like to engage in a discussion with you.

1. [Peace of mind]

If one is unable to let go of the relationship, it is imperative to recognize that the mother will undoubtedly become involved. In many instances, the son will be unable to provide the desired level of support and attention. The desire for companionship and care from the son may be met with resistance from the mother. In such a scenario, it is crucial to assess whether one can maintain their beliefs and remain in the relationship, despite the potential for adversity. It is challenging to alter the mother's personality and way of thinking. However, the decision to do so lies within the individual. One can view this as a test from a higher power, provided that the son truly demonstrates love and commitment.

2. [Handle calmly]

If one perceives that one's relationship with a particular individual is not sufficiently robust to withstand the influence of a third party, and one finds oneself in a situation where one is caught in a dilemma, it is important to recognize that one may experience a range of negative emotions, including sadness and distress. In such instances, it is crucial to acknowledge that one's emotional state may be deeply affected by the situation. In the context of a relationship with a "mama's boy," it is essential to recognize that this trait is not easily eliminated. The bond between mother and son is often considered to be a fundamental aspect of an individual's identity, and it can be challenging to imagine a situation where this relationship can be easily terminated. In order to move forward and avoid continued distress, it is necessary to make a conscious decision to let go of the relationship. This may entail fully disengaging from the situation and ending the emotional attachment. While this can be a challenging process, it is essential to recognize that it is a necessary step in order to achieve emotional healing and move forward with a more fulfilling life.

3. Effective Communication

Regardless of the ultimate decision, effective communication is essential. It is crucial to engage in a constructive dialogue with your partner to ascertain whether the relationship should be maintained or terminated. Clear and respectful communication is also vital to ensure mutual understanding and to navigate the complexities of the relationship in a responsible manner. It is, after all, in the best interest of both parties to maintain a positive and constructive relationship. To this end, it is imperative to engage in open and honest communication. This entails having constructive conversations, discussing the issues at hand, and addressing them in a forthright manner.

4. [Love yourself well]

His mother already exhibits this way of thinking and personality. What changes would you like to see in her? This is a challenging task. Since there is no way to change others, the most effective approach is to focus on modifying your own mindset. Regardless of circumstances, it is essential to maintain self-love. I wish you the best in your endeavors.

It is my sincere hope that my response will prove beneficial to you. The world and I send you our best wishes.

Hello!

It's totally normal to feel anxious and helpless when you're facing an exam. Having a boyfriend by your side can be really comforting, especially when you're feeling lonely. But sometimes, things don't go as we expect. You might feel frustrated when your boyfriend's mother is very involved and you wish she'd give you more space. It's okay to feel angry, but try to remember that your boyfriend's mother is probably just trying to be supportive.

Let's talk about love and marriage!

I really think you should read a book by Erich Fromm called "The Art of Loving." We often attribute the pain we experience in love to external "persecution" or the fact that the "object of love" is not perfect enough. But if you think about it, is the biggest obstacle really his mother during your time together? Is security really in someone else, like a tap that just turns on when you turn it on?

And it just keeps coming, doesn't it? I can see how the boyfriend's attachment to and fear of his mother, along with the unrest in the family, might make him feel insecure. But how can something he's lacking be a source of "security" for you?

I'm sure you'll agree that it's not very reassuring to know that a 27-year-old man is unable to protect you safely when he cries in front of his girlfriend because his mother doesn't agree to see her.

There's an old Chinese saying that I love: "You cannot change the world, so change yourself." It's not about finding the reason for problems in ourselves, as we often do. It's about recognizing that if you feel something's missing, you can still find it within yourself. Of course, love is about the attraction of another person and how it makes us feel. But love also shows us who we are. We enter a relationship with an image of love (perfect love), and our appetite grows. We hope the other person will be our perfect, all-around mother. We're looking for the unmet needs of our childhood. Do you think you can find it in the other person? These disappointments have shown us what we still need to learn. We complete our evolution through self-awareness.

[Self-awareness]

I truly believe that your own childhood, just like your boyfriend's, was also full of all kinds of imperfections. We all have our own unique experiences, and I think it's so important to recognize that. An imperfect childhood and imperfect parents. I highly recommend the book "The Neglected Child." It's a great resource for learning more about people who have experienced emotional neglect in their childhood and have social maladjustment disorders as adults. The author also provides guidance on how to overcome the challenges caused by emotional neglect. At the end of the day, you are the most important person in your own growth journey. You have the power to make choices and take action to create a life you truly want for yourself.

Hi there! I'm Zhang Huili, a psychological counselor. I hope my answer helps you out! I wish you all the best in your studies, growth, and love.

Hi, I'm Fei Yun, a heart exploration coach.

You're experiencing a lot of pain and helplessness in this intimate relationship. On the one hand, you and your boyfriend are very much in love. But on the other hand, when it comes to his family and his strong-willed mother, you are deeply hurt by his "mama's boy" traits. When you need him most, he is always absent. You also feel that your relationship and future are facing many crises because you're pressured by his mother's authority.

Let's share and explore the topic of "intimacy" together with a warm hug.

? 1. Intimate relationships are influenced by the original family.

It might seem like love and marriage are just about the two people involved, but the way the two people get along with each other is often influenced by their respective original families and parents.

As the book "Six People Lying on Your Wedding Bed" explains, we tend to bring the patterns of our original family and the way our parents get along into our intimate relationships.

Take a moment to think back to your daily life with your boyfriend. Do you see any similarities between his parents and your parents? When it comes to relationships, we often learn from our own families and parents.

What attracted you to your partner was his gentleness and attentiveness. Now, imagine you were married. Would you see his gentleness and attentiveness as a lack of responsibility?

It's like the postgraduate entrance exam and the death of your loved ones: he was unable to be by your side. Is this not a reflection of a lack of responsibility?

When we're in love, we don't ask for much. We just want the other person to be nice to us and meet our needs. But once you get married and start a family, you'll find that there are lots of conflicts because marriage is not just about romance. It's also about the very real, everyday challenges of daily life.

2. "If Only I Knew Before Marriage"

If you can't resolve some things and conflicts before marriage, it's unlikely you'll be able to resolve them after marriage. "If Only I Knew Before Marriage" is a useful guide to love and marriage.

If you want a bright future with your boyfriend, you need to be fully prepared mentally. Neither he nor his father can change the "power" and "control" of his mother in this family. Can you change it?

Of course, at the moment, this is an internal conflict within their family. His parents and the way they interact with him are the result of their long-term habits of getting along.

It takes courage to consider your future together, because a happy marriage also involves getting along with "two families."

Dear colleague, You may want to consider taking a short "gap period" to give yourself some space to calm down and reflect on the future.

If you can, go for method 123. If not, don't worry about it.

I hope this is helpful to you. Best regards, [Your name]

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