What should I do if the relationship is unclear and now he proposes to end the ambiguity?

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun.

You feel attached to your roommate and reluctant to let go. After all, you have been living together for four years and have developed a deep bond. However, during all these years, you have never received a clear declaration of love from the other person. This has made your relationship ambiguous.

Now that he wants to end this relationship, you are at a loss for what to do because you have long been accustomed to having him around. You will get by in a world without him.

1. You see your own patterns in this relationship.

Love is bitter, and being heartbroken is painful. There's no doubt about it: you have loved.

I give you a warm hug. You may be reluctant, but you cannot stop the other person from unilaterally "calling time" on this cohabitation game. You feel aggrieved and even resent the other person for being so heartless.

My dear, you are nostalgic for sincerity and emotions, not the other person. We often think we love someone very much, but we are only in love with a feeling.

You like the feeling of being taken care of and being in good company, and you appreciate the sense of security and stability that comes from having someone to rely on. It's not always easy to pinpoint exactly what it is about your partner that you like, but you know you just "get used to" the feeling of having them around.

You definitely have feelings for each other. You eat, sleep, and work together, and it is clear that it is more than friendship, love, or family ties. This is where you need to learn and grow from this relationship.

Giving yourself up to a relationship without any way out is a form of self-loss. When we truly know how to love ourselves, we can gain an unbreakable love.

The other person loves you for who you are, the pure, unadorned, unembellished, unprocessed you. How do you do that?

You must love yourself and know how to love yourself if you want to connect with someone else and maintain your independence at the same time.

Love is not about moths flinging themselves into flames or being inseparable. It's about two equally matched people growing together, even if not in the same direction. And this attraction is as fresh as ever.

?2. You must always learn to be strong on your own.

In the Internet era, you and I in this world have become stronger and more independent. No one can live without the other. We learn to separate as we grow up.

It's like the separation from your mother's "symbiont" when you were born, and the separation after entering daycare, starting school, and going to work. The end of a relationship is separation. You must have the courage to say goodbye to this relationship and face the future with courage and determination.

Having him by your side has made you overlook your own abilities and potential. In fact, you are stronger than you think. You can and will get over him. Say goodbye to him in your own way and show your charm, not the vulnerability and sympathy that he can see through at a glance.

I am confident that the above will be helpful to you. The world and I love you.

If you want to continue the conversation, click "Find a Heart Exploration Coach" in the lower right corner to chat.

I hope that my response will prove to be of some assistance to you.

From your description, it is evident that you have been in a relationship for four years. Despite the lack of reciprocity in your feelings, he did not terminate the relationship and has continued to interact with you, experiencing numerous challenges together. Currently, he perceives that while cohabitation is fulfilling, the disagreements are distressing, leading him to seek a separation. However, he also considers the terms of a shared rental unfavorable and anticipates your purchase of a house before his departure. This suggests that he still values your relationship but is uncertain about how to maintain it and avoid further conflict. Do you perceive a similar situation?

It would be preferable if there were no further disagreements and the two parties could continue to coexist harmoniously.

Indeed, it is evident that you still desire to remain in the relationship. Prior to this, you expressed a desire for both parties to alter their hearts and minds in order to optimise the relationship. However, the other party has now expressed a desire to leave, which is a highly unfortunate turn of events. At this juncture, it is imperative that you make a decision: whether to continue striving to salvage the relationship or to leave definitively. If you persist in this state of wanting to leave but are unable to do so, it will have a detrimental impact on both parties.

Regardless of whether one chooses to remain in the relationship or to terminate it, it is of the utmost importance to identify the aspects of oneself that require growth and to learn how to manage and maintain the relationship. If one is unable to manage and maintain the relationship, even if one decides to remain in the relationship, it does not necessarily follow that the relationship will endure indefinitely. If one still lacks the ability to manage and maintain the relationship, the relationship will once again be in crisis.

Every intimate relationship progresses through four distinct stages: passion, friction, introspection, and enlightenment. As evidenced by your description, your relationship has entered the friction stage. It is at this stage that conflicts and contradictions are most likely to arise. The objective is not to avoid quarrels and conflicts, but rather to enhance mutual understanding through these challenges and to resolve the underlying contradictions. When both partners possess the capacity to resolve issues, they will develop a deeper comprehension and knowledge of each other through these conflicts, leading to the formation of a tacit understanding. As the relationship progresses to the subsequent stage, the frequency of arguments will naturally decline.

The question thus arises as to how these conflicts can be resolved.

First, it is essential to "distinguish between positions and needs." This tool can effectively assist in focusing on the mutual interests and needs of the two parties involved, rather than on the question of whose position is right or wrong.

First, it is essential to "distinguish between positions and needs." This tool can effectively assist in focusing on the common interests and needs of the two parties involved, rather than on the question of whose position is right or wrong.

One can postulate that the positions of both parties are akin to the tip of an iceberg above the water, which appears irreconcilable. However, beneath the surface, interests and needs are intertwined and require our attention. It can be observed that regardless of how irreconcilable the other party may appear on the surface, if one can comprehend their genuine needs, a solution is likely to emerge organically.

To illustrate, consider a scenario in which a wife becomes angry when her husband immediately checks his phone as soon as he arrives home. While it may appear that the wife is unhappy about her husband checking his phone, it is more likely that she desires for him to spend more time with her, to pay more attention to her, and to respond to her.

If the male partner perceives the female partner's position and states that he is checking his phone because he is working, a dispute may ensue regarding who is right and who is wrong. If the male partner can perceive the female partner's needs and responds directly, for example, by saying, "I have some urgent work to do here, and it will only take about half an hour. How about I chat with you as soon as I'm done?," the situation may be resolved.

"I believe this conflict will soon dissipate. However, if one is able to identify their own needs and express them directly and gently, for example, by saying, "Honey, I feel a bit lost when you keep looking at your phone as soon as you get home,"

"Is it possible for us to engage in a dialogue at this time? I require your attention." When we are able to discern and fulfill each other's needs, we can circumvent a considerable number of conflicts.

Furthermore, it is essential to learn how to cope with the narrowing effect when experiencing emotional distress.

The narrowing effect refers to the phenomenon whereby an individual's focus narrows significantly when they are emotionally aroused, particularly when experiencing fear or anger. This narrowing of focus leads to a narrowing of their field of vision and cognition, which in turn allows their immediate inner needs to take precedence over their long-term goals. As a result, they may act in ways that are contrary to their own best interests.

Neurophysiologists have discovered that individuals in a narrowing state secrete specific chemicals in the body that drive their desire to express their emotions. In other words, individuals under the narrowing effect find it difficult to stop all the impulses in front of them, and their actions are controlled by their physical and emotional instincts. Attempting to resist and restrain their use of reason is likely to be counterproductive.

Therefore, when one is particularly angry, attempting to reason is often an ineffective strategy. When emotional issues remain unresolved, individuals who persist in attempting to reason may appear even more irritating.

In light of these considerations, what is the optimal course of action in such circumstances?

In order to address these issues, it is essential to undertake two key actions:

1. Remain Aware: The most effective method of regulating emotions is to remain conscious of one's emotional state, thereby avoiding impulsive actions that may result in regret. How might one remain self-aware?

One of the simplest methods for relaxation is to focus on one's breathing. When emotions become overwhelming and one enters a narrowing state, breathing tends to become rapid. At this juncture, it is beneficial to take a few minutes to calm one's breathing and identify the areas of the body that are tensing. This is an effective approach for relaxation.

2. Provide a notification regarding your emotional state. In the event that you are self-aware and perceive that the effect is not beneficial, or that there is no imminent opportunity to adjust, you may choose to inform the other person directly that you are experiencing a heightened emotional state and that it may require a brief period of time to regain composure. You might then say, "I am currently experiencing a slight emotional disturbance, and it may take me a few minutes to regain my equilibrium. Would you kindly allow me this time to adjust?"

2. Provide a notification regarding your emotional state. In the event that you are self-aware and perceive that the effect is detrimental or that there is no imminent opportunity to adjust, you may choose to directly inform the other individual that you are experiencing heightened emotional reactivity and that it may require a period of time to achieve a state of emotional equilibrium. In such instances, you might offer a request for a brief interval to facilitate your emotional regulation.

In other instances, it may be beneficial to indicate that you require access to the restroom or a suitable location to regroup and collect your thoughts. This allows the other individual to understand your need for space and provides an opportunity for them to offer support and motivation.

In the case of the other individual who is in a state of narrowing, the following course of action may be employed:

1. It is essential to actively listen and comprehend the genuine needs of the other person.

If one can discern the emotional state of the other person and respond to it in a timely manner, it is likely that the majority of the problem will be resolved. In this process, it is of the utmost importance to learn to actively listen. How, then, do we listen?

In order to gain a deeper understanding of the emotional state of the other person, it is essential to pay close attention to their body language and expressions, as well as to try to empathize with their feelings. Once this has been achieved, it is possible to gain insight into the underlying reasons for their emotional state and to identify their inner needs. This understanding can then be utilized to navigate the situation effectively.

2. Establish an appropriate pace and address emotional concerns prior to discussing logical arguments.

2. Establish an appropriate pace for discussion. Begin by addressing feelings, then move on to reason.

It is only through the initial processing of the other person's emotions that the subsequent application of reasoning can become a tangible reality. Given that individuals tend to perceive time as slowing down when they are in a narrowing effect, it is imperative to avoid hasty actions when dealing with emotions. Instead, it is essential to allocate sufficient time and patience to actively listen or gradually release emotions through the use of effective questioning.

Once the emotional state has stabilized, the resolution of problems will occur with greater rapidity.

When we are able to think in a lateral manner, cease to be constrained by our own perspectives, and refrain from debating the merits of right and wrong, we are able to perceive beyond the superficial and discern the genuine needs of the other person. If one is genuinely willing to fulfill the other person's needs with profound affection and the other is also willing to recognize and address one's needs, then one has already grasped the essence of happiness and the relationship will continue to flourish.

Ultimately, if one is certain that the other person is the ideal partner for them, then the relationship can be cultivated. However, if there is uncertainty about the future of the relationship and the other person is unable to provide a solid commitment and assume corresponding responsibilities, it may be necessary to consider whether the relationship should continue.

In any case, the decision is yours to make. Regardless of your choice, I wish you happiness.

Hello!

I read your problem description and thought about your situation. I would do the same if I were you. You have given a lot to your roommate. I hug you.

You said what your roommate said yesterday.

Yesterday, he said that at a gathering of mutual friends, we argued, and everyone was surprised. Why can we continue living together after arguing? It doesn't seem normal.

Since then, he's felt that we're unhealthy and wonders why we don't separate after an argument. Arguments make him unhappy. He feels he's not treating himself well and is being wronged. He then mentioned feeling like a scavenger in life.

I think it's because of what he said to you yesterday and what he said today.

1. I want to be just friends.

2. I feel bad arguing with him. It would be best to move out. But I don't think it's a good idea to share an apartment, so I'm hoping that I can move out after I buy a house.

3. I believe quarrels cause harm and I'm willing to give up living together. I had previously expressed my reluctance.

You came here to find a solution, and I'm glad you did!

Next, I'll describe what I think based on your text. Then I'll share my views based on my knowledge and experience.

First, I feel that your relationship is

After four years of living together, you were in a relationship. During these four years, you took on a lot of his shortcomings. Conflicts arose, and you should have either found a solution or compromised to resolve them. You were in unrequited love and always held on to hope. Your roommate should be more spontaneous. This is what I see in your relationship.

Secondly, I want to talk about how you feel in this relationship.

Your roommate said yesterday that you're in a one-sided love. You want to see progress, but it's extinguished after a while. You want to give her everything and make her happy, but she's ungrateful. Who can bear these feelings?

Second, I feel you have needs.

You hope you can make the relationship better or at least keep it the same. You can see you're in a bad situation, and you finally said this:

I thought both of us could change to make the relationship better.

Your roommate's words yesterday made you lose hope. This isn't what you want. You need to pull him back.

I care about what you think. We need to talk about what we want next.

You can talk to your roommate like this:

What does he mean by "scavenger"? Let her express herself. "Scavenger" depends on how he defines it.

Then, based on his views on scavengers, see how he defines your relationship.

You don't know what she's trying to say.

Find a time when you're both calm and start here. Based on his response, tell him what you expect. Lay out your unrequited love. These past four years have not been easy. Let her feel it. If he still acts like a cynic, think about what to expect and how to change.

Understand what you want. Don't let him lead you astray. She feels aggrieved, but you do too. Don't make yourself unhappy. Unrequited love also has a time limit. If you stop making yourself unhappy, he will probably feel the same way.

It's possible. Be confident and use your wisdom to get out of this.

Good luck! The world and I love you!

It's been four years since you two started dating. You've lived together, had sex, and led a closely-bound daily life. Your partner took the initiative to break the tacit agreement of spending weekends together and started going out with other people alone. This sudden change also disrupted the balance of your relationship. You tried to cope with the change, but it was tough! The two of you had different directions and goals, and your expectations and needs were also inconsistent, making the future of the relationship full of pain and uncertainty.

I really hope that what I'm sharing below from Tianmen can help you in some way. It's so hard when you're confused, helpless and feel like you're all alone, isn't it?

First, take a moment to think about what you want in this relationship and what you hope for the future.

The phrase "one-sided love" is a great way to highlight the differences in emotional needs between you and your partner. You love and like him, while he just seems to want someone to keep him company. Love and like often mean "you are the only one," while loneliness and the need for company often mean "anyone will do."

It seems like the other person is feeling a bit unsatisfied with this level of companionship. It's totally understandable! After four years, it's natural to want something more. So, it's time to have a heart-to-heart about the future of the relationship.

It's so important to remember that furthering a relationship requires the joint decision and effort of both people. And of course, taking a step back in a relationship can be done by one person with the right intention.

Four years is a pretty good amount of time to get to know someone and see how close you can get to them.

You're right in the middle of it, so you'll be better able to handle what the outside world throws at you if you first figure out if you want to keep pushing the relationship forward, keep things as they are, or let it fizzle out.

2. Once you've made up your mind, go for it! Set a stop.

2. Once you've made up your mind, set a stop loss/take profit point to help you "stop" and not be paranoid. You've got this!

There's no right or wrong when it comes to decisions that affect only you and don't hurt anyone else. At the same time, if you treat yourself well and don't get too caught up in a situation that leaves you feeling hopeless, you need to be honest with yourself about what you can handle, whether it's happiness or pain.

It's always best to do things in moderation. If you put in a reasonable amount of effort, you'll be able to give your all without any regrets.

If you want to create some distance and be more clear about what you need, it's important to be good friends first.

It's clear that the other person has already formed their own opinion about the relationship. Whether or not you're willing to do the same is up to you! Think about what kind of relationship you want and go from there.

3. When it comes to arguments, they can be a great way to understand each other better, but they can also be a double-edged sword that damages a relationship.

3. Arguments can be a helpful way to understand each other's needs, but they can also be tricky and might even damage a relationship.

From the comments, it seems like the roommate is someone who is influenced by external opinions quite easily. Similarly, how you define an argument will also help you see whether there is any possibility or room for compromise in each other's needs in this relationship.

I lack security, I am sensitive, I am dependent, he is self-centered, he is playful and has poor sense of responsibility, he is a bit evasive, and he dislikes being alone.

It's so important to consider the ways in which your needs for intimacy match up, and whether you can break away from existing patterns in dealing with conflicts and conflicts in an intimate relationship. These things can really affect the direction of the relationship!

It's possible that this "chase and escape" pattern has also become another kind of tacit understanding between you. If you still want to take the relationship further, you can also try to change the impact of the arguments on the two of you to change the relationship.

This is a process that requires constant exploration and experimentation. If you find it difficult to try on your own, don't worry! You can also seek professional help and undergo psychological counseling to help you sort out the sticking points and confusion in your relationship.

I really hope the above sharing can bring you some inspiration!

I'm a psychologist, but my focus is on the heart, not the mind. I wish you all the best!

Hello, question asker!

Dear, I think we are lucky to have conflicts-between-roommates-21219.html" target="_blank">roommates around, and roommates also have the chance to develop sexual relationships. We may hope to develop a long-term and stable relationship with each other, perhaps because of the house, or perhaps because we want someone to keep us company.

You two have made a great effort to integrate into each other's lives and consider the relationship between men and women. However, the quarrels have caused some damage, and it's understandable that you're struggling to face the little emotions and shortcomings of the other person. It's a temporary challenge, but you can overcome it!

It's time to get to know each other better! What kind of relationship do we have with the other person? And what do we want?

Let's find out why the other person has suddenly become cold towards us! And let's look at the conflicts between us and see which ones we can't resolve.

Let's talk about establishing a sense of boundaries in love!

Absolutely! Even in the most intimate relationships, it's so important to maintain a sense of boundaries. What are the other person's minefields that we must not touch, and what are our psychological and emotional needs that the other person must understand?

Although couples or partners are the closest relationships, we want to become one with each other, hope that the other person can accept our shortcomings, and at the same time give us "unconditional love." People are afraid of being alone, but there's no need to worry! We can find ways to be happy even if the other person can't give us that.

This is about how to be self-satisfied and self-caring, which is a great thing! Everyone has an emotional side, but we can adjust ourselves and digest things in time. We can't pour out our negative emotions to the other person without limits, but we can learn to control our words.

It's so important to understand who we are and what kind of partner we're looking for. And it's also great to think about whether the other person can satisfy us.

After four years together, and having weathered many storms, the relationship is now a shared living arrangement. In fact, you need to ask yourself, after four years of getting to know each other, what are the main reasons that you still can't be together? How do we face problems on both sides, and what are the ways to solve them?

How to handle problems and conflicts, and whether you can tolerate each other's shortcomings—and more!

And we also learn so much about how to get along with the opposite sex through this relationship! We just need to consider whether the main reason we can't separate at the moment is emotional or a factor of material conditions.

The other person says that they don't want to become too distant from us, which is great! But what does that mean?

If we really have to be apart, what kind of distance and relationship do we hope to maintain with each other? It seems that we have tried to be together and explain, expressing our reluctance.

There are so many things we can communicate with each other! We don't have to guess at each other's feelings. A healthy relationship requires mutual devotion.

A stable and mature relationship has four amazing stages!

Now for the really exciting part! The four stages are: co-dependence, counter-dependence, independence, and co-dependence.

Phase 1: Coexistence. This is the period of intense love, when the two people want to be together all the time, no matter where.

The second stage is anti-dependence. After the relationship has stabilized, some of the passion will fade. At this time, at least one of the two people will want more personal space to do their own thing. This is a great opportunity for each person to explore their own interests and grow as individuals! If the other person does not understand, they will feel neglected and conflicts will arise.

Stage 3: Independence. This is an exciting continuation of the second stage, where one or both parties in the relationship want more time for themselves.

Stage 4: Co-existence. Congratulations! You've made it through the first three stages. The way you and your partner get along is now clear, and you're ready to grow together.

The great news is that everyone is different, so the length of time required for these four stages varies from person to person. The not-so-great news is that unfortunately, most couples or married couples only go through the first and second stages, and they already have many conflicts before reaching the third stage.

I really hope I can help you! And I really hope we can find the right person for each other. I've been gone for a long time, but I'm excited to be back!

One psychology, the world, and I love you!

Hello, question asker. I can see you're feeling confused right now. I'm here to support you!

You're having some interpersonal issues. Let me give you another warm hug.

It seems like you're hesitant to end the ambiguous relationship with your roommate.

You might be a little too attached to your roommate.

Why is this the case?

This might have something to do with your family of origin.

This can often be traced back to a relationship with your mother when you were a child.

It's possible that your mother didn't respond to your needs every time you cried as a baby. As a result, you grew up trying to get what your mother couldn't give you from the people around you.

If this is the case, it'd be a good idea to get some help from a professional counselor.

Given that your current issue is related to your family of origin, I would suggest speaking with a professional counselor rather than an instant listener.

I really hope we can find a solution to your problem soon.

That's all I can think of at the moment.

I hope my above answer is helpful and inspiring to you. I'm the respondent, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, we love what we do and we love our customers. Best wishes!

Good day, question asker.

From what you've shared, it seems like your relationship is facing some challenges.

It seems that both of you are currently feeling uncertain about the future of the relationship. It appears that your roommate has undergone some kind of change in the relationship, but she has not chosen to end it completely.

It's possible that the "change your heart to improve your relationship" that you both wanted to pursue before didn't result in a change in the relationship in the short term. It's also possible that you've lost patience with making further efforts and exploring further. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day.

I believe the questioner may benefit from considering the following questions:

1. If your roommate is considering separating, what steps could you take now to prepare yourself mentally?

2. Given what you know about your roommate, what are the possibilities of attempting to communicate and salvage the relationship?

3. Take some time to reflect on the positive aspects of your relationship and how it has contributed to your personal growth.

4. You mentioned that you are sensitive, dependent, and emotional. Could you please elaborate on how you would like to adjust these character traits to improve the relationship? I believe this is an important aspect to consider, as our intimate relationships are often shaped by our inner selves.

It may be helpful to consider that our inner relationship with ourselves can influence the quality of our external relationships.

I hope this relationship, which is currently facing some challenges, can provide you with food for thought and an opportunity for growth.

I wish you all the best and happiness in your future endeavors.

Dear Question Asker, You inquire as to the appropriate course of action regarding an ambiguous relationship when the other party proposes the dissolution of the ambiguity.

First, I commend your awareness of the relationship between you and your roommate, as well as your consideration of the abrupt alterations in this relationship. Now, let us examine your question together.

You indicated that you have resided with your roommate for four years, that you have engaged in a romantic relationship with him, that you have consistently maintained a sexual relationship, that you have established a small business together, and that your daily lives are closely intertwined. You shared a flat for the first two years and then lived in a house he purchased for the subsequent two years, while also borrowing 200,000 yuan from him.

You exhibit a lack of security, sensitivity, and emotional dependency. He displays self-centered tendencies, a proclivity for leisure activities, an impaired sense of responsibility, a tendency to avoid intimacy, and a perception that he seeks your company primarily for companionship.

A conflict occurs approximately once every 30 days, manifesting as a significant or minor disagreement or a prolonged period of discord. The underlying cause of these disagreements is the management of the shared business venture. You have requested that he treat you with kindness and address the minor details of daily life with greater care.

When disagreements arose regarding the shared living situation, he proposed relocating to his parents' residence, a suggestion you had previously made on multiple occasions. Recently, he violated the implicit agreement of spending every weekend together, abruptly engaging in social activities with other individuals. You perceive his actions as a deliberate attempt to alter the dynamic and feel abandoned, which causes you distress. You intend to move out, but following deliberation, you have chosen to remain in the relationship for the time being. However, he stated:

1. The desire is to maintain a certain distance in the relationship, while still maintaining a level of intimacy.

2. The disagreeable nature of altercations causes him to feel sorry for himself. It would be optimal to maintain physical distance, so you move out. However, considering the unfavorable conditions of sharing a residence, he anticipates your relocation after he purchases a house.

3. Despite the positive aspects of cohabitation, they believe that conflict is detrimental and are willing to terminate the relationship. Previously, they had indicated reluctance to do so.

Previously, I had assumed that both parties would need to alter their attitudes and behaviors in order to optimize the relationship. Now that he has expressed this perspective, I am uncertain about the appropriate course of action.

First, it is essential to identify the needs of the individual in question within the context of the relationship.

The couple in question is not technically a couple in the conventional sense, yet they are arguably more than mere acquaintances. They reside together and engage in sexual intercourse, which suggests a certain level of intimacy. However, it appears that they have not formally discussed the nature of their relationship and have been cohabiting for nearly four years without a clear understanding of their respective roles and expectations.

The two individuals in this relationship are business partners. The male partner displays a tendency toward self-centeredness, a lack of responsibility, and an avoidant attachment pattern. He dislikes being alone, while the female partner may be highly responsible and dependable, insecure, sensitive, and emotional, and dependent. The two individuals may be relatively complementary, allowing them to live and work together.

In this relationship, the man benefits from the assistance of a capable assistant in pursuing his career objectives and the sexual gratification derived from a sexual partner. He derives tangible and intangible benefits from this relationship in terms of his overall well-being, including physical and psychological benefits. It is therefore unsurprising that he is reluctant to terminate a relationship that continues to provide him with these benefits.

However, just as he is the kind of person who lacks a sense of responsibility, he is also unwilling to develop your relationship into a true romantic relationship. If you two are in a romantic relationship, there is a high probability that you will get married in the future. After marriage, it is not just about romance, but also about responsibility towards one's partner and one's family.

Given that your current relationship is able to satisfy all of his needs, it is understandable that he does not wish to terminate the relationship entirely. However, he also does not desire to take the relationship to the next level and merely maintain the status quo. It would be most beneficial for him to remain in his current state.

Next, it is essential to identify the needs that must be met in order to ensure a fulfilling and mutually beneficial relationship.

The adage "Men are rational, women are emotional" is illustrative of the differing perspectives men and women bring to the table in the context of relationships. Men tend to prioritize a relationship's tangible benefits and potential drawbacks, whereas women may become increasingly attached to the person in the relationship over time, leading them to desire a deeper or longer-lasting bond.

In your relationship with him, you require love and the assurance of being loved. You hope that he will treat you as well as a lover would, and you probably hope even more that you can be sure of your relationship as lovers, rather than being so uncertain. People are naturally afraid of the unknown, and your relationship's uncertainty will make you feel insecure. Furthermore, you are inherently insecure, but you long for him to treat you better, to care for you, to look after you, to love you.

In this relationship, you are willing to perform manual labor and provide financial support and assistance to him. You are willing to continue doing so because he is a significant figure in your life. You likely hold a profound affection for him and anticipate a similar response. You require emotional support, understanding, care, and love in your relationship with him.

Nevertheless, it appears that this man is unable to fulfill your emotional needs. While he may provide some degree of emotional care, he will likely refrain from doing so to a greater extent than you would prefer. In your relationship, he has drawn a line, hoping that you will not cross it. However, you do not desire that line, and you require him to treat you with the same level of care as he would a romantic partner or family member.

Finally, it is evident that your two needs are markedly disparate. What, then, is the appropriate course of action?

From the aforementioned analysis, it is evident that there are significant discrepancies between your and this man's needs within the context of your relationship. Do you possess the knowledge required to take the appropriate action? It is not uncommon for individuals to comprehend the rationale behind a particular decision, yet still be unable to implement it.

Should you remain uncertain as to the optimal decision, you may wish to consult with a counselor. This professional can assist you in mapping the evolution of your relationship, facilitating a deeper understanding of your true desires and enabling you to navigate the complexities of the relationship with greater discernment and wisdom.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that my response has been helpful.

I extend my warmest regards to you, and wish you well in all your endeavors.

Hello, question asker! I'm Jiang 61.

Thank you for trusting us and being willing to tell us about the conflicts between you and your boyfriend. After reading your account, I can see that you are in an unhealthy relationship.

I can see your attachment to each other and the way you get along with each other, and I'm quite worried about you. You ask, "What should I do next with an unclear relationship that he thinks is bad for him?" Let me be clear: you need to take control of your relationship.

1. Relationship

1⃣️, cohabitation

You said, "I lived with my roommate for four years. I had unrequited love and kept having sex with him. We opened a business together and our daily lives were closely bound. We shared an apartment for the first two years and then lived in a house he bought for the next two years, while borrowing 200,000 yuan from him."

You have also lived together for four years, despite not being married. This shows that he recognises your relationship and is working hard to live together, regardless of whether it is unrequited love or one-sided.

You went from sharing an apartment to him buying a house, moving into the house he bought, and lending him 200,000 yuan. He continued to acknowledge this cohabitation relationship for two years.

2. Attachment

Your relationship is an attachment relationship.

You say, "I lack security, I'm sensitive, I'm dependent, he's self-centered, he's irresponsible, he's a bit of an escapist, he doesn't like being alone, and he thinks that he's with me for the company."

You lack a sense of security, so you are very dependent on other people. You are easily touched by the slightest kindness from others and give them your heart. You are sensitive and therefore prone to suspicion, and you lack trust in your boyfriend.

Your attachment relationship is clearly an anxious type.

Your boyfriend is an avoidant person who dislikes being dependent. He is self-centered and only cares about his own feelings, rarely paying attention to yours. He doesn't like being alone. He wants someone to keep him company. He is not avoidant; he has an attachment style of detachment.

People with an avoidant attachment style are perfectly comfortable without intimacy. Independence and self-sufficiency are their top priorities, and they simply don't want to depend on others or be depended on.

Your interaction patterns are as follows:

You said, "There is a conflict about once every 30 days, or a big or small fight or cold war. The reasons are related to shop management, my demand that he treat me well, and trivial matters in life. When there is conflict in the shared living situation, he has mentioned moving out, and after living in his house, I have proposed moving out a few times."

From your words, it is clear that frequent conflicts are inevitable in your relationship. Differences in experience and values, modes of interaction, attachment styles, and views on life will undoubtedly lead to frequent arguments.

If you don't get along, you'll propose splitting up. You rarely face problems and sit down to solve them properly.

3⃣ Differences

My boyfriend gave me an explanation.

You said, "Recently, he broke the tacit agreement of being together on weekends and suddenly made separate plans with other people. I felt that he was deliberately trying to change things and I felt abandoned. I became unhappy and wanted to move out. After some communication, we temporarily decided to live together again, but he expressed

1. He wants to end the relationship and stop being ambiguous. He wants to be just good friends.

2. I am unhappy about the arguments, and it makes him feel bad about himself. I am going to move out, and I don't think it's a good idea to consider sharing accommodation. He expects me to move out after I buy a house, but I am not going to do it.

3. You've had happy times living together, but you've also had to deal with the pain of arguing. You're willing to give up living together because you've decided that it's not worth it.

Your boyfriend has been tired of the way you get along for a long time. He's proposed conditions for you both to continue getting along in order to avoid hurting your feelings.

Your boyfriend is clearly an individual with an avoidant attachment style. He is more annoyed by your arguments and cold wars than by the good feelings you once had. He wants to reduce the frequency of your contact and lower your emotional attachment.

Pulling away from your attachment to him.

I'm confused.

You said that before, you thought both parties should change their hearts to optimize the relationship. Now he says this. What should I do?

You want to improve the relationship and resolve the differences between you through changes in both parties. However, your boyfriend's three promises make it clear that he no longer has the same level of commitment to the relationship as you do.

You want to save the relationship, so you're asking what to do.

2. The reasons that have brought you to the brink of breaking up

1⃣️, Different attachment styles

Your attachment style is clearly a source of conflict and disagreement for you. You have an anxious attachment style.

Anxious attachment is an emotional state in which the person is unable to feel love and trust for their partner. Instead, they experience a kind of "emotional hunger," hoping that the other person can save them or make them more "complete."

Anxiety is a fear of not feeling secure in your relationship. You are afraid of being abandoned, which leads to fear, which leads to insecurity and a desire to control the relationship. Your demands to be treated well put pressure on your partner.

My boyfriend is an individual with an avoidant attachment style. People with this style don't like being clingy and tend to run away.

People with anxious attachment both "torture themselves" and "torture others" in intimate relationships. They desire intimacy, but doubt and fear that their partners do not want the same level of intimacy.

This led to the boyfriend eventually proposing ground rules.

2. Different values

Some of the conflicts you have experienced are caused by differences in life philosophy, experience, and values. To continue, you must discuss values and life philosophy in depth.

3. Lack of good communication

From what you mentioned, it's clear that you often argue over trivial matters. This shows that your form of communication is not very smooth. You cannot sit down and properly express your thoughts to each other, let the other person understand your thoughts, listen to your own heart, and then make an informed choice. This makes it easy to cause the accumulation of conflicts and damage to the relationship.

They are prone to separation.

3. What to do

1. Change the attachment relationship.

People with secure attachments are emotionally close to others and feel secure in relying on and being relied on by them.

People with secure attachments are emotionally close to others. They know they can rely on others and that others will rely on them.

They are not afraid of being alone or rejected.

You can make yourself this type of secure attachment, and your boyfriend will feel relaxed around you without feeling pressured.

Practice.

You must be independent.

You must learn to be alone. You should be able to live your own life whether your boyfriend is there or not, without needing your boyfriend to constantly look after you and be considerate. Insist on doing things yourself. This will make your boyfriend feel that you are gradually maturing and growing up, that you can manage yourself. He will feel less nervous about your state when you are dating.

And respond to your requests calmly.

Trust each other.

You are honest and trust your boyfriend in your intimate relationship. Your boyfriend supports your attitude, making him feel that you are his strong backing and reliable partner. You are safe, and your relationship will be more harmonious.

2. Effective communication

Effective communication is essential.

Communication is the exchange of information. It is the entire process of conveying a message to a communication partner in the hope that they will respond as expected. If this process is achieved, effective communication is complete.

Verbal and non-verbal messages are both part of communication. It is the non-verbal part that is usually more important than the verbal part. Effective communication is essential for dealing with interpersonal relationships and complex social relationships on campus.

The following are the steps to effective communication:

Effective communication involves four steps:

Step 1: Express your feelings, not your emotions.

Step 2: Express what you want, not what you don't want. Make it clear that you are angry.

Step 3: Express your needs, not complaints. Don't let the other person guess what you want.

Step 4: Express where you want to go, not where you don't. Focus on the end result, not the event.

When you have a conflict with your boyfriend, you use these four steps to express your feelings, thoughts, and demands. Don't let each person stick to their own opinion or sing a solo. Establish the effectiveness of your communication, form a good communication situation, and reach a consensus.

Effective communication is essential for building a strong and healthy intimate relationship and for your personal growth.

3. Establish a shared understanding.

Building a shared understanding is essential for the long-term success of your relationship. A shared understanding includes self-worth, being on the same page, self-growth, and accepting the truth.

Your self-worth is non-negotiable.

It is crucial to recognize your self-worth in an intimate relationship. Only when you feel recognized will you feel secure and stable.

Walk in step.

Walking in step together doesn't mean two people have to be in step with each other in every respect. It means they're moving in the same general direction and the relationship is in balance. If one person makes excessive demands on the other, it will upset the balance and make the other person feel uncomfortable.

Self-growth is essential.

Achieving a balance in the relationship is not the end goal. It is the pursuit of self-growth in the relationship. This self-growth involves both individuals and the willingness of the other person.

Self-growth means you are both willing to draw closer, invest in the relationship, and have a better future.

Accept the truth.

In an intimate relationship, it is all too easy for two people to see each other and the relationship through their own perspective. This can cause the relationship to grow from intimacy to alienation. It also means that the other person's true attitude and thoughts are ignored and unseen, which hurts each other's hearts.

When you can truly see the other person for who they really are, see the true relationship between the two of you, and accept the real him, you will make accurate choices and judgments.

Questioner, your happiness is in your hands. If you can experience it well, you will gain it. Seize your own opportunities and win your own happiness.

I wish the questioner happiness!

Hello, I have a question for you. Since you say that you can't define the relationship and you have even brought up an ambiguous relationship, this seems a bit contradictory.

From what you've told me, there are a lot of issues, concerns, and feelings of helplessness.

Here's my analysis:

I've been living with my roommate for four years. We've had a one-sided love affair, maintained a sexual relationship, and opened a small business together, so our daily lives are closely bound. We lived together for the first two years, and then lived in a house he bought for the next two years, while also borrowing 200,000 yuan from him.

It seems like you've been living together for four years, and the sexual relationship suggests that you're in a romantic partnership. Starting a business together indicates that you're in a business partnership. The previous shared living arrangement seems to have turned into a debt relationship, to the point where the best you can do is for the other person to buy and put it in, and you even loaned the other person 200,000 yuan.

There's something I'm wondering about. When the other person buys a house, have you ever thought about getting married? Since you're in a rush to tie the knot, why isn't the house owned by the two of you?

On the other hand, you have a close relationship, and your unrequited love shows that you are giving more and getting less in return, and that you love him more.

I lack a sense of security, I am sensitive and emotional, and I am dependent. He is self-centered, loves to play, and has a poor sense of responsibility. He is a bit of an avoidant, dislikes being alone, and feels that I am with him for company.

There's a conflict about every 30 days, or a big or small fight or cold war. The reasons are related to shop management, my request that he be nice to me, and trivial matters. When there was a conflict about sharing the apartment, he mentioned moving out, and after living in his family's home, I proposed moving out a few times.

From what I can tell, you're sensitive and dependent, while your partner is self-absorbed and evasive. This seems to be the main source of conflict between you two.

When you rely on the other person more and more, the other person will feel like they're losing their space and will avoid the problem by acting like they need their space. When the other person does this, you'll feel like they don't love you, don't care about you, and are avoiding you, which hurts. After you feel that way, you'll argue a lot.

Meanwhile, the other person becomes more and more evasive, while you become more and more dependent on them. You've actually maintained this relationship for four years.

This shows that there's a connection between you, but you're not sure how to handle the attachment and detachment in the relationship.

Lately, he's been breaking the unspoken rule of spending weekends together and suddenly started seeing other people on his own. I felt like he was trying to change things on purpose, and I felt left out, so I started to feel unhappy. I wanted to move out, but after some discussion, we decided to live together again for now. However, he expressed that

1. She wants to take some space from the relationship, but she doesn't want to be too distant either.

2. The arguments were unpleasant, and he felt sorry for himself. He thought it would be best to have some physical distance—he'd move out. But given the terms of their shared rental, he expected her to move out after he bought a house.

3. They had fun living together, but they felt that arguing was harmful and were willing to give up living together. They had previously expressed that when

When both parties are unhappy, the other person's words and actions become the source of the problem. This is caused by the mutual influence and cooperation of the two people. When the other person is tired, they will adopt a cold attitude and tell you, "That's just the way I am. Do whatever you want."

When a woman has dedicated so much time to a relationship and then gets a result she doesn't like, it's only natural that she'd be unhappy.

Psychological intervention:

1. Get to know each other's needs.

It's important for the woman to figure out what kind of dependence makes her feel comfortable and what kind of distance the other person feels is safe. This will help create a win-win situation.

For instance, if a woman wants to know how long a man should stay with her to make her feel safe and comfortable, she can tell him, "I hope you can chat with me for 30 minutes today, put down your phone, and I'll be very happy. If you don't talk to me, I'll get emotional, and you know that your company is my medicine. If you ignore me, I'll be sad, and when I'm sad, I'll get all kinds of crazy ideas in my head."

If you're busy, just let me know when you're free and I'll get back to you.

People who feel insecure want to know the truth, not vague answers.

It's not that you can't live without the other person, but the feeling that the other person gives you will make you feel uncomfortable and anxious.

2. Get to know how anxiety affects you.

Often, misinterpreting the other person's behavior can make you even more anxious. Anxiety can make it hard for you to express your emotions and needs, which can cause misunderstandings between you.

It can become a vicious cycle for both of you. Take a moment to identify your own anxiety, how it affects you when you're feeling anxious, and how it impacts your partner.

3. Not planning for emotions

If you're not sure whether your partner is going to give you the marriage and the life you need, and you keep investing without stopping, it's clear you don't have a plan for your emotions.

After living together and buying a house, why not put your name on it and get married? You've already been living as husband and wife without the sense of ritual that marriage brings.

If there's no sense of ritual in marriage, it can feel insecure.

You know you're not sure about this, so why bother trying to make it work?

The end goal of being in love is getting married. All your efforts are to be with this person and to have a result. If you've been together for a year and haven't been given such a commitment, it'll start to feel like a waste of time.

Once the initial excitement of love has faded, it's important to focus on building intimacy in the relationship. If there are issues in your intimate interactions and the relationship isn't secure, it can lead to a lot of pain.

Take a look at your relationship, think about what you need, and make sure you're getting what you want out of it.

Hello. It's unclear what your relationship is like. You're in a passive position, not knowing how to get what you want.

Based on your description, I'll analyze your relationship.

1. Living together too long takes the romance out of a relationship. You become less willing to take responsibility.

I have lived with my roommate for four years. We have a sexual relationship and have opened a small business together. We shared a flat for the first two years and then lived in a house he bought for the next two years, while also borrowing 200,000 yuan from him.

You have lived with him for four years. You love each other very much. You have had sex, done business together, and lived together for two years. After that, your partner bought a house, and you even lent him 200,000 yuan. You have a relationship with him in four areas.

Did the other person ever think about buying a house with you and getting married? Have you ever talked about getting married?

2. How the two people get along and how they deal with conflicts

I lack security, I am sensitive and emotional, and I am dependent. He is self-centered, loves to play, and has a poor sense of responsibility. He is avoidant, dislikes being alone, and feels that I am with him for company.

There's a conflict every 30 days. The reasons are related to shop management, my request that he be nice to me, and trivial matters. When there were conflicts about sharing the apartment, he mentioned moving out. After living in his family's home, I proposed moving out a few times.

You seem insecure and emotional. Is there anything the other person is doing that makes you feel this way?

If your partner knew you were emotional and gave you reassurance when you were emotional, would you still be emotional?

Do you get emotional when your partner talks about the future?

Your emotions and the other person's avoidance. The more you fear losing someone, the more you want to depend on them. But the other person doesn't want to be dependent, so they avoid you. When the other person avoids you, you start to want to know the truth more and more.

You've done this with each other, chasing and running away. It's not your problem, but you've done it together.

3. He wants to change, but you don't, and you want to leave, but you can't.

He broke our agreement to spend weekends together and started going out with other people. I felt abandoned and unhappy. After some communication, we decided to stay together for now.

1. I want to take some distance from the relationship.

2. He felt sorry for himself when we argued, so I moved out. I didn't like the idea of sharing a home, and I expected to move out after I bought a house.

3. I think quarrels are harmful and I am willing to give up living together.

I thought both of us should change to improve the relationship. Now he's said this, what should I do?

You've had your share of happiness and conflicts. Otherwise, you wouldn't have stayed together for four years. The longer you live together, the more differences appear. From fantasy to reality, you haven't developed the ability to solve problems together.

Advice for breaking the cycle:

1. Don't rely on others. Let them help you.

What impact do your emotions have on you?

What are your feelings when your partner does something you don't like? What would you do?

Figure out your needs, tell your partner how you feel, and ask them to meet your needs.

2. You don't plan your emotions.

When you live with someone, you don't plan your relationship. Have you thought about getting married?

Do you think about doing business together and buying a house together?

You need to decide when to meet the parents and when to get married. You also need to know how to solve problems.

which you lack.

3. Understand your insecurities.

You're giving and borrowing money for the other person. What promises and guarantees have they made to you?

If I were you, I'd feel the same.

How to solve problems and make demands.

4. You have feelings for each other, but you don't know how to deal with problems.

You've been together four years, and you face common relationship problems. Temporary confusion doesn't mean you can't solve them.

Understand each other's family backgrounds.

Understand how you each deal with problems.

Understand how you each deal with fears and children.

Talk to each other to resolve your differences.

Your feelings are there, and I believe you both cherish them. Now that problems have arisen, seek help from outside. Break away from your previous pattern of getting along, and establish your own emotional plan.

You'll be fine.

Hello, I'm Gu Yi. I'm modest and consistent.

There might be another breakthrough.

Four years can make a boy or girl grow up. In these four years, you should decide what your relationship is. You can't call it boyfriend or girlfriend.

You've been together for four years. How long do you plan to stay? There have been arguments, cooperation, and new emotional needs. You don't want to separate, but you can't take things further.

Are you going to wait for each other to find someone else or will you get back together?

Looking back, you have good memories. But looking ahead, what role should you play in each other's lives?

Plan your relationship and life together.

There are always a lot of people in our lives. Most of them disappear. You and your roommate, what stage of your relationship are you at?

Four years have passed since we started dating. We've settled into a calm, exciting, and loving relationship. We've decided to end things because we don't love each other as much as we used to and it's becoming difficult to persevere.

It's hard to keep things as they are. You can either let each other go or get closer.

Best,

Hello, I'm Look.

The man says, "I want to create some distance, but I don't want to be too intimate, either."

? As a matter of fact, this guy has made his intentions pretty clear:

Keeping a safe distance, not taking the lead, not rejecting, not taking responsibility.

Let's explore what intimacy is all about.

✅ Intimacy

It's a type of relationship between two people where they feel close to each other and it's recognized by society.

It's also possible for intimacy to be physical and for there to be a physical connection between two people, but there's no direct link between sex and intimacy. Sexual contact can happen without intimacy.

Here are some of the key characteristics of intimate relationships:

There are at least six ways that intimacy differs from other types of relationships. These are: the level of understanding, the level of concern, interdependence, mutual consistency, trust and loyalty.

✅ Sexual relationship

From the above definition, it's clear that the questioner and the man haven't entered into an intimate relationship. They've just got a general interpersonal relationship, or a sexual relationship where each person takes what they need.

It might be helpful to try to change.

Take control of your emotions.

Emotions are like a horse-drawn carriage, and reason is the reins. A good driver knows how to calm their emotions, appease them, please them, and enjoy their journey through life in a happy mood.

Take a moment to think about what you expect from him and what your own needs are.

It might be helpful to try lowering your expectations of him.

It's important to establish a sense of boundaries.

In other words, self-boundaries mean that your things are yours and my things are mine. It's important to distinguish your own boundaries, and it seems that men have already begun to escape on purpose. The question owner must also learn to take responsibility for themselves and try to divide the money, space, and distance between the two.

Be okay with who you are.

If you want to receive better love, you've got to love yourself first.

Tell yourself, "I deserve better love!" You may meet all kinds of people in your life, and they'll come and go without causing any trouble.

If you appreciate yourself and see the sparkle in you, you'll be able to love others better.

I'm looking forward to seeing you soon.

Hello question asker.

I'm not worried and I hope I can help you.

Let's look at the problem the questioner is having and try to understand it.

I don't know what to do. He's proposed to end the ambiguity.

I have lived with my roommate for four years. We shared a flat for the first two years, then lived in a house he bought for the next two years. We also borrowed 200,000 yuan from him.

You've been living together for four years, but it's one-sided. He doesn't like you. If there's a possibility between you, you'll develop feelings no matter how you get along.

But we have always had sex. It seems like you're in an ambiguous relationship, and you're both probably just doing it to satisfy your physical needs. Or maybe you're dependent on him.

I lack security, I am sensitive and emotional, and I am dependent. He is self-centered, loves to play, and has a poor sense of responsibility. He is avoidant, dislikes being alone, and feels that he is looking for me to keep him company.

There's a fight every 30 days or so. It's about shop management, how he treats me, and other trivial matters. When we fought about sharing the apartment, he said he'd move out. After living with his family, I've suggested moving out a few times.

He's selfish, playful, and irresponsible. What about him do you like? Do you see his flaws but still want to stay together?

A relationship should make you happy. If it doesn't, you should reconsider it.

He's been spending weekends with other people. I feel abandoned. I want to move out, but we decided to stay together for now. He said:

1. If you want to end the relationship, don't be too intimate, but don't become distant either.

2. The arguments make him feel sorry for himself. I'd move out, but he expects me to move after I buy a house.

3. I'm happy living together, but I think arguing hurts. I've said I don't want to live together.

I used to think both people should change to improve the relationship. Now that he's said this, what should I do?

A short pain is better than a long one. You have been together a long time and have feelings for each other. Things have developed to this situation today, and he is already making changes. He broke the daily weekend default, suddenly making separate appointments. You know why he is doing this. You might as well try to make a change.

Some suggestions:

1. State your mind.

In an ambiguous relationship, it's important to understand your own feelings and know what you want.

Rationality is important!

This can happen to girls. Sometimes we think we can develop a relationship with someone we don't really know.

But it might not work out. Ambiguity isn't love.

? 2. Stay away.

If you want to use this approach, you have to control your emotions and look at your heart. People have needs that cause ambiguity.

If you want to end the ambiguity, know your feelings and keep your distance.

This is the only way to end the relationship.

? 3. Be honest and clear about your relationship.

Ambiguous feelings cloud things and people don't want to face them. This kind of immersion hurts people.

Prolonged ambiguity can cause emotional burnout and affect the relationship.

Be honest and straightforward to make your relationship clear. Being in an ambiguous relationship can make people lose themselves, but when someone is honest, it helps people face their feelings and make a choice.

This is a way to end the ambiguity. When you're unsure of your feelings, you may want to know where they lie.

But after a while, people get tired of this. Breaking off an ambiguous relationship doesn't mean ending it. It means using it as a basis to express your feelings and face up to how you really feel.

End the ambiguity this way.

Know yourself and your feelings. Then you can make the right choice.

These views and suggestions might help.

I'm Xiaobai. The world and I love you.

Good luck!