What to do when things don't turn out well and you get caught up in self-blame?

Hello!

I know you get nervous and it makes you feel bad. But you also have high standards and are motivated to achieve your goals!

You want to do a good job, even perfectly! Is this why you're nervous?

If you're nervous, don't worry. Just calm down and think about what you need to do to do well. When you're ready, you'll feel less tense and less nervous.

Your trainer asks you to give a training demonstration on stage.

First, get ready mentally.

1. I can follow the process and operate each link. I was focused when I was learning. I give myself affirmation. I will practice more after class and master it. Accept yourself. We all make mistakes. We worry about negative comments. Who hasn't been commented on negatively?

From childhood to adulthood, we have all been told off for not doing something well. But we have grown up and achieved things we couldn't do before. We are really quite good! Everyone can learn new skills.

2. Set a stress-reducing switch in your behavior. For example, when you go on stage, bow to everyone first and say, "I hope I perform well, but I'm nervous. Oh, yes, I should introduce myself first: my name is 'Not Nervous'.

If you laugh at a joke, you'll feel less nervous. The same is true if you tell a joke that makes everyone laugh.

Laughing at yourself is a great way to relax. Sharing your worries is a good way to let them go. Give it a try!

3. You can also get rid of your nerves with therapy.

Second, in terms of preparation

During training, we learned key points for several procedures. Before going on stage, practice these points or find a partner to practice with. Practice makes perfect. It helps you become proficient and form an automated mode. This makes you feel confident and reduces your nervousness.

If you achieve your goal, reward yourself. Tell a friend about it and ask them to praise you. I wish you the best!

Dear question owner, It is a poignant experience to read your words and to feel the depth of your inner pain and helplessness. I will attempt to describe my point of view. I hope that my next answer will be helpful and inspiring to you.

You mentioned that when you make a mistake, you tend to fall into a state of self-blame, which can lead to feelings of unworthiness and a lack of motivation for improvement.

It is worth noting that during our formative years, our parents' words and actions can often have a subtle yet profound impact on us. For instance, if you have a parent who is inclined to offer criticism, you may find yourself being easily criticized by that parent, regardless of your actions. This can influence your own thoughts and actions.

If you are frequently blamed by your parents, you may find that you internalize that blame. It's important to remember that when things go wrong, you don't need your parents to blame you; your own subconscious may blame you instead.

It is possible that you may develop a tendency to feel sad and upset when things don't go your way, and to blame yourself for these situations, whether they are positive or negative.

How might we find a solution? One approach could be to consider changing your thoughts and attitudes, and exploring the idea that things happen for a reason, even if we don't always understand why. It might also be helpful to adjust your attribution model, recognizing that there are often objective factors at play, beyond the influence of our subjective experiences.

As a second step, you might consider writing down a few words of praise for yourself, telling yourself that you are great, really great, and giving yourself positive psychological hints and inspiration. According to lifespan developmental psychology, a person's life is malleable.

Best regards!

I would like to express my love for the world and for you.

Hello, questioner.

From your description, it's clear you have a serious problem with self-deprecation and self-doubt. I understand how you feel, and I'm here to help.

Your self-deprecation and denial are signs of a lack of self-confidence. These feelings usually pass quickly after we make a mistake. However, if you keep blaming yourself, it shows that you have a high tendency towards perfectionism. You don't allow yourself to make mistakes and you don't accept yourself for making mistakes. But we are all ordinary people, not saints. Making mistakes is inevitable. Your blame also shows that you don't accept yourself. If we don't accept ourselves, we will attack ourselves. This will continue to deny you self-confidence and form a vicious cycle.

Here's how you can improve:

You will make mistakes. You are an ordinary person, and everyone makes mistakes. Accepting your mistakes is accepting yourself. No one in the world is perfect.

You must learn to see your own strengths. Write them down, then express them in words. Look at these strengths and give yourself positive mental suggestions. This will make things go more smoothly.

Affirm yourself and boost your confidence. You can do more things you like, and you will see that you have done these things well. Affirm yourself positively and build up your confidence.

When you are nervous on the podium or in other stressful situations, take a deep breath and count to ten. Repeat this several times to calm yourself down. You will feel more in control and your nerves will subside.

I'm confident my answer will be helpful to you. Best of luck!

Hello. From your description, it seems that you have now entered a vicious circle. Due to nervousness, fear, and worry about not doing things well, you are unable to perform to the best of your abilities. Consequently, you blame yourself for your poor performance, which leads to feelings of shame. You may ask yourself, "Why can others do it but not you?" However, this only serves to reinforce your negative self-perception.

It may be challenging to confront this aspect, but once you have addressed it, you will be at a significant advantage over your competitors. This will also become your successful experience of overcoming difficulties.

What measures can be taken to break this vicious cycle?

1. Adopt a new perspective.

Approach each situation as an opportunity for practice, rather than as a test of one's abilities. Mistakes are an inevitable part of the learning process and can be used as a source of insight and improvement.

It is not a reflection of your character if you do not perform well. It simply indicates that you did not meet the required standard on this occasion. There is no need to be overly critical of yourself. Instead, focus on reducing internal conflict and separating personal issues from professional matters.

In fact, this involves two distinct ways of thinking: a fixed way of thinking and a growth-oriented way of thinking.

Those with a fixed mindset believe that human abilities and intelligence are fixed and unchanging. As a result, they constantly try to prove that they are capable, competent, and smart. They worry about the next time after they have done it this time, and every time seems to be a test. They are reluctant to try new and challenging tasks for fear of failure, equating failure in an event with failure as a person.

Those with a growth mindset believe that all aspects of human ability can be continuously improved through practice. They view every event and task as an opportunity for practice, continuous practice, continuous improvement, welcoming mistakes, and accepting mistakes.

2. It is not important how well you do it, just do it.

Prioritize the event itself and avoid dwelling on potential outcomes or concerns about failure. Even if the outcome is not ideal, it is unlikely that legal consequences will ensue. Be kind to yourself and maintain a calm demeanor.

3. When experiencing elevated levels of anxiety, it is advisable to first take steps to alleviate the tension.

You may choose to take a deep breath, call a halt to the activity, and redirect your attention to a task that requires concentration, such as focusing on numbers. Alternatively, you can engage in muscle relaxation exercises. There are numerous techniques available, and it is essential to identify the one that aligns with your personal preferences. Once you have relaxed, refocus your attention on the task at hand.

Hello, host! Your situation is totally normal. We all make mistakes sometimes. The key is how to deal with the disappointment.

The loss and self-blame within yourself are self-imposed, in the hope that pushing yourself like this will achieve a certain result that will satisfy you.

It's actually caused by excessive thinking. The good news is that some things can be done (such as succeeding in certain games). The not-so-good news is that you feel remorseful about your lack of capability to complete the task. The even better news is that you can't solve the problem through thinking. At this point, you realize your own sense of responsibility and want to complete it, but fail.

The solution is simple: don't rush things! Why do we do this?

Take a deep breath, take a step back, and assess the situation. You've got this! Just stop thinking nonsense and strengthen your motivation to act.

Self-blame is a very bad practice. In fact, I would call it "positive feedback towards failure." If you succeed by blaming yourself, then you will be happier and continue to use this method in the future. If you fail, you will blame yourself severely, suffer greatly from internal conflict, and become unable to catch your breath. You will expect even more success, and because you are not capable enough, you will begin to doubt yourself, not believing that you can accomplish it, and you will fail. But here's the good news! You can change your mindset and break this cycle.

And you don't know if you will succeed or fail. But you know that everything in life is not always plain sailing, and there will be times when you fail. If you fail, you will face tremendous self-blame and loss. But you will also learn and grow from it!

The consequences of such a cycle are truly unimaginable!

Once you know the reason, it's really simple to solve the problem!

1. Pump up your self-confidence and believe in your strength and ability to solve problems. The harder you fall, the harder you rise; no difficulty can defeat me!

2. Come up with a solution (a solution) in time: Think for yourself about what kind of efforts you can make to improve yourself and turn the "disparity" into a "surplus." Then write it down, take timely action, and at the same time enhance your self-confidence. You can do it!

It is very important to stop loss in time. Don't overdo it! You've got this!

You can conquer all, even if you think you're stupid. Have confidence in yourself!

Targeted action is the perfect solution for overcoming self-blame!

I really hope you'll adopt it!

Hello, question asker. My name is Evan.

From the questioner's own description, it is clear that the questioner is easily nervous and anxious about trivial things others do. This leads to self-doubt, confusion, misery, and suffering. Even when it is clear that it is not the questioner's fault, the questioner consistently negates themselves.

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has their own characteristics. Even the renminbi is not liked by everyone.

Give the questioner a pat on the shoulder and give them a little strength. They need to accept that they made a mistake.

The question asker needs to accept that they are not perfect. When did this mentality of blaming themselves for not doing something well start?

We need to find out whether this mentality of blaming oneself for shortcomings originated in childhood or was caused by something else.

These thoughts that cannot accept bad things interfere with the questioner and make them fall into negative emotions. Learn how to detect and eliminate bad emotions and replace them with a positive attitude.

What cannot defeat the questioner will definitely give the questioner more courage to face difficulties in the future.

Since the question was asked on a platform, I can't go into detail about it. What I can do is give the questioner some advice on how to deal with the negative emotions that arise:

Identify the disturbing negative thoughts.

It's important to understand what makes you think negatively. Some negative thoughts are easy to identify, while others are more elusive.

Record any negative emotions that arise in a few words.

Identify the negative emotions that cause the questioner to feel anxious. These include blaming yourself for mistakes that have nothing to do with you, feeling ashamed, regarding simple mistakes as failures in life, and imagining minor problems as serious. These negative thoughts are common cognitive distortions, such as overgeneralization, jumping to conclusions, and being overly extreme.

Stop negative emotions.

Understand where your negative emotions come from, then cheer yourself up and overcome them. For example, when you wake up in the morning and think it's going to be a bad morning, acknowledge your negative thoughts and say to yourself, "It feels like a bad morning, but it will get better after the morning." Maintain a positive attitude by doing this.

Don't dwell on negative emotions or talk about them. Instead, say something positive. Over time, you'll get used to it and your mindset will change.

Pay attention to your words.

You need to stop using decisive words like "I'm sure I can't do this" or "I messed up such a small thing." Such rhetoric is usually exaggerated and leaves no room for interpretation.

The wording of the question includes the content of your conversations with others and your conversations with yourself, both verbally and mentally.

Be aware of your verbal habits.

It's time to face facts. When we encounter a situation that isn't going well, we tend to fall back on the same old mantras: "I'm so annoyed," or "I messed up again today." These phrases reflect a pattern of exaggeration and emotional expression when dealing with challenges. They're a gateway to negative thinking.

Avoid using these types of words. Replace negative words with positive thoughts and praise to turn negative emotions into a positive. For example, replace "terrible" with "unfortunate" or "there is still room for improvement" and "disaster" with "challenge" or "inconvenience."

Face each day positively.

Every day, you must face things with a positive attitude. When you wake up in the morning, think of five happy things first.

These happy things can be little events in life, such as listening to a good song, watching a good movie, smelling the tea nice today, and buying what you wanted yesterday. Think about these things and say them out loud, so you can start the day positively.

A positive mindset is the foundation of starting a new day. It makes it difficult for negative emotions to grow.

Saying positive things out loud might feel silly, but studies have proven that it works. It will make you happier, more focused, and stop you from having too many negative thoughts.

Look for the positive.

You can't do everything perfectly, and nobody's perfect. Don't demand too much of yourself and don't beat yourself up over small mistakes. When you're obsessing over why things went wrong, stop and think about something positive instead.

For example, you lost a game. This is unpleasant, but you can learn from it. Identify the reasons for your loss and use them to develop new strategies for future games.

Get help from someone outside of your immediate circle.

If the above approach doesn't work for you, you need to seek external help from a professional psychologist or counselor for psychological intervention. Tell these professionals about your negative emotions. You can be honest because these interventions are confidential.

Describe how these anxiety attacks make you feel, explain how they usually start, and tell them how you respond. If you need to, keep talking to these professionals until these negative emotions no longer affect you.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful to the questioner.

I don't know what your previous living environment was like. In various workplaces, we usually encounter some problems, and some problems require someone to admit their mistakes. If you always blame yourself, you'll probably make yourself the scapegoat.

Even if you don't blame yourself, others may still blame you, putting all kinds of pressure on you. They can also see your various habits in life and work. This self-blame may have become a part of you, which is to constantly reflect on your own path.

But, let's face it, mistakes happen. We've reflected on ourselves, but there are still some things outside our control that will bring us a lot of pain. This is also something we need to face. If we can't do a good job, then it's best to see how we can make things better.

It might not be helpful to blame yourself too much. You've been doing training exercises recently, and you might not be feeling particularly optimistic. You're not sure about your abilities, so you're nervous and scared, and the results might not be what you're hoping for.

If you worry that others will point fingers at you, it'll be even easier for you to be afraid of difficulties. You'll avoid doing what you need to do and be afraid to face these things. In fact, many things are just a matter of preventing problems before they arise. If it's a really extreme case, you can only face it with a good attitude.

We all have bad luck sometimes, but how you deal with it can make a big difference in the outcome. People are very different from one another. To minimize harm and losses, we must also learn to build on our strengths and compensate for our weaknesses, try to solve some obvious problems, and the new strengths theory also tells us that we need to recognize our strengths. If you use your strengths well, you can develop more quickly and effectively. Best of luck!

ZQ?

Good morning,

Host:

I am Zeng Chen, a Heart Exploration coach. I have taken the time to read your post carefully, and I believe I can understand your feelings of self-blame.

I also noticed that you have taken the initiative to confront your inner self and seek guidance on this platform. This is a commendable step that will undoubtedly assist you in gaining a deeper understanding and recognition of yourself, enabling you to make necessary adjustments and embrace a more positive self-image.

I hope that by sharing my observations and thoughts from the post, I can help you to view yourself from a more diverse perspective.

1. The original intention of self-blame

From what I can gather from your post, it seems that you are prone to blame yourself when you do something wrong. It also seems that you suffer from excessive self-blame.

Then, let's consider the reasons behind this. First, why do we tend to blame ourselves?

Could I respectfully propose that we consider the original intention of self-blame?

From my perspective, self-blame often stems from a sense of dissatisfaction with the current self and a desire for improvement. Could it be that we should be grateful to the self-blaming self for pointing out areas for growth?

Perhaps we can consider that we have not given up on ourselves and that we want to use self-blame to promote our progress. In this way, we can explore the original intention of self-blame.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider why we might want to make progress through self-criticism.

This may be related to our early education and culture. For example, our culture often suggests that criticism can help people progress, while pride may sometimes hinder progress.

It is possible that these beliefs may affect us in some way. Perhaps it would be helpful for the original poster to consider whether they have been influenced by these cultural and early educational influences.

2. Consider refraining from self-blame.

I'm happy to see that you have a good awareness of yourself and are able to perceive your self-criticism, which many people struggle with.

I believe it would be beneficial for us to discuss whether self-criticism can motivate us to improve. Some studies have indicated that appropriate self-criticism may potentially assist us in making progress in the short term.

It is possible that excessive self-blame may prevent us from making progress and cause internal conflict. I believe the original poster understands this.

From the results, we can infer that if self-blame were truly conducive to improvement, we would likely have made changes a long time ago. In light of this, I would like to suggest to the original poster that our original intentions were well-meaning.

It's possible that the method of self-blame may not be the most effective approach. It's also possible that we haven't yet learned other ways to make progress.

Perhaps we could try learning new ways to make progress. It might be helpful to stop blaming ourselves and stop wasting energy.

This may help us to find more energy to adjust and grow ourselves.

3. Consider embracing your authentic self.

We all want to improve ourselves, but perhaps the first step is to accept ourselves as we are.

Perhaps we could define accepting the real self as accepting one's own shortcomings and also one's own strengths.

It's okay to be imperfect and not always do things perfectly. We're only human, after all.

It may be helpful to view ourselves with a more nuanced perspective, acknowledging both our shortcomings and our strengths. Accepting the parts of ourselves that are beyond our control and focusing our energy on the aspects we can change can help us to move forward in a more confident manner.

I hope these words have been helpful and inspiring for you. If you have any questions, you are welcome to click to find a coach for a deeper exploration.

Hello, I'm Yi Ya Shu, a Heart Exploration coach. I'm happy to help you with your problems.

The biggest problem is that it's easy to blame yourself. To solve this, we need to understand why we blame ourselves.

There are many reasons why people blame themselves. I will list them for you:

We have high expectations of ourselves.

We all have an ideal self inside. This is our idea of who we want to become.

The good thing about this is that it motivates us to improve. The bad thing is that if you are too focused on becoming the ideal, you will feel frustrated when reality doesn't meet your expectations.

The questioner may be facing this situation now. You also said in your question that "we went up to the stage one after the other to do a training exercise, and I was always nervous and scared, so I didn't do well. And once I realized that, I blamed myself and said, 'Why did I do so badly? I'll never do it again, it's so embarrassing.'

Frustration, embarrassment, and shame arise when you feel your actions don't meet your expectations.

Second possibility: Past criticism and blame. If we made mistakes, we were criticized and blamed by our parents or teachers.

If you have a lot of bad experiences, you will remember them and feel bad about yourself. When you make a mistake, you will feel bad about yourself.

You might not have a good way of understanding your abilities and the situation.

If you're still upset about something that happened in the past, it's hard to see things clearly. You're still affected by how others treated you and what you went through. This makes it hard to understand your own abilities. Old feelings and patterns from the past can come up, making you feel bad again.

Now I'll teach you how to break this pattern.

The first step is to face the bad experiences from the past. You can find a coach or counselor to help you understand what happened. Only by facing the past can we move on and become better.

The second key point is to view yourself differently. Many people do not understand themselves. They will think and feel like their parents did when they were children. For example, when you make a mistake, your parents will say things like "You're so bad" and "You're worthless."

If you don't grow up, you'll only treat yourself badly when you make a mistake. But mistakes happen for many reasons. If you're new to something, it's normal to be unskilled. But if you apply your parents' critical mode, you'll make a big deal out of the mistake and only criticize yourself.

Your parents criticized you because they had a lot of expectations and anxieties that they couldn't handle. At the time, you didn't see this, so you accepted their patterns.

When you grow up, you have to learn to break these patterns so you can be free from the past.

This is my answer to your question. I hope it helps.

Hello. I'd like to offer you a hug. I sense that when you do things, you are often worried about not doing them well and feel relatively nervous. If you don't do them well, you may blame yourself, which could make your psychological mood even more nervous.

It's understandable that you feel this way. You have high standards for yourself and expect to do a good job. This can make you nervous and worried about not doing a good job.

Once you become aware that you are not performing as well as you would like, you may tend to blame yourself, which can lead to a sense of fear of failure. It could be that you are concerned about how others will perceive you if this particular task or project fails, which can cause you to feel nervous.

It is important to recognize that this feeling can have a negative impact on our well-being and happiness.

It's understandable that you might feel this way when playing games, and it seems like you're having a hard time.

It's important to remember that everyone makes mistakes. Even if you're doing a training exercise at the podium, you might make a few small mistakes, but that's how you learn and improve. We're all learning and doing things for the first time, so we can do better next time.

Nobody is perfect, and it is challenging to do everything perfectly. Even the wisest people make mistakes.

It's beneficial to recognize our mistakes and address them in a constructive manner.

It's natural to feel nervous before things even start. We all put a lot of pressure on ourselves sometimes, which can make us more nervous and more likely to make mistakes. If we weren't nervous, we might make fewer mistakes and feel less fear.

I understand you're feeling quite worried, nervous, and scared. I empathize with you. I believe we can tackle this together, one step at a time. Let's start by building up your confidence. Take playing games, for instance. Look at the people in the "Run" game. They're all highly skilled, but they still lose and feel like they gave it their all. So, you're not wrong after all. It's important to remember that you're a normal person.

It might be helpful to calm your emotions and relax before doing these things. For example, some people who have been through a lot will think, "What difficulty can beat me?" It's important to accept our own strengths and weaknesses, give ourselves a chance to be confident, and let ourselves exercise in the direction of confidence, growing little by little.

I truly hope that you are feeling less nervous and less afraid.