When conflicts arise, I want to get a divorce, but I feel unwilling in my heart. What should I do?

Hello, I'm Gu Yi. I'm modest and consistent.

Thoughts have a way of becoming patterns.

How to maintain your identity in marriage.

Your husband is having an affair, which makes you sad and hurt. You have problems, so you need to communicate.

While you're trying to preserve your family, what's your husband doing? When he flirts with another woman and says he's not in the same city, it tells us a lot.

The worst thing is that we know the truth but pretend otherwise.

Tell your husband what you think and do. His behavior hurts you and your family.

If you take one step back, the other person will take two. So, first, make your position clear. Second, make your life more rhythmic. The husband must help with childcare. Finally, keep the family together.

How to communicate better.

The biggest challenge for women in marriage is to manage their lives. Most women want to do their best to preserve their families.

When communicating, remember that we communicate to solve problems, not to point out problems.

No matter what your situation is, using divorce to solve problems is not responsible because you don't know what the future holds. It's better to find solutions than to get divorced.

We try first, then decide.

Communication skills require more than just a sincere heart. It is better to have more interactions, more surprises, more understanding, and a sense of ritual in our lives.

We need to do this ourselves. We identify problems through communication and solve them in life.

Go mom!

Best wishes!

Hello question asker, I am honored to answer your question.

From your description, it's clear you're in pain, frustrated, and feeling helpless. You're exhausted and under a lot of pressure, and you're looking for a way to change this.

It is important to recognize and accept the differences between men and women.

It is important to understand that there are indeed differences between men and women in their relationships. For example:

Men must think about their feelings before they can talk about them. Women can feel, talk, and think at the same time.

Women focus on verbal expression, while men focus on action expression.

Men aim to solve problems, while women aim to express their feelings.

The questioner discovered that she could quickly get out of the dilemma by talking about her feelings or emotions first. If she didn't take the initiative to talk about her feelings or emotions, they would remain in a stalemate. She can therefore try to express her feelings and thoughts more actively in the next communication. She should let her husband know what she is thinking to help resolve the problem.

In addition, there are significant differences in personality. Jung identified four key dimensions: introversion vs. extroversion, intuition vs. sensation, thinking vs. emotion, and judgment vs. perception.

We can and should observe and understand the differences in character between our husbands and ourselves. We must learn to understand the shortcomings of ourselves and our husbands. We must make the other person feel accepted. This will then be conducive to the development of communication topics.

##Communication skills##

Your husband's indifference in communicating with you led you to believe that he was capable of change but unwilling to make it. His attitude towards the problem made you feel tired and full of grievances, making communication even more difficult. This led to a sense of disheartenment and the idea of wanting a divorce. Fortunately, you promptly realized this state of mind and were willing to make an effort to change.

First, we must get rid of our preconceived notions, remove our judgments of others, and find out what they really think by asking questions and exploring.

☞Second, there are many communication skills, but the most important one is to listen. You must be able to listen to what the other person has to say. This communication model can turn "conflict" into "different perspectives" and "change" into "explaining your understanding," making communication much warmer and softer.

☞ Finally, learn to express yourself consistently. For example:

1. Answer the question directly, not with a defensive question like "Why do you want to know that?"

2. State your specific needs. Don't give long-winded reasons or other justifications.

3. Make honest choices.

4. Be able to perceive and examine the comments, ideas, behaviors, and situations you encounter. Don't form judgments based on preconceptions.

5. Question life continuously, embrace new possibilities, and don't pretend to have all the answers.

6. Listen to your intuition or the advice of a wise person when faced with any new possibilities, choices, and solutions.

The above represents only my personal opinions, and I am confident that you will find them helpful and inspiring.

Thank you.

Hello, host! I'm July.

From your description, I understand exactly what you're asking. I'm here to support you.

From your description, it is clear that you understand the problems you and your husband have. Solving these problems will be relatively easy.

You say you want a divorce as soon as a conflict arises, but I believe you don't want a divorce at all. Despite your husband's treatment, you still want to maintain the relationship because you now have a second child. If you divorce, it will not be good for the child's growth, and the price you have to pay will also be very high. You will weigh up the pros and cons, and as a result, you are holding back a lot of anger. You just haven't exploded yet.

The majority of the issues between you and your husband stem from communication and expression. When you two have a conflict, you both tend to remain silent and avoid resolving the problem immediately.

You must express your anger in the moment to get out of this predicament more quickly. It is clear that you and your husband lack effective communication and expression, which has given rise to a series of problems.

I have also summarized some methods to help you alleviate the current situation, and I am confident they will help you to some extent.

(1) Talk to your husband about the problems between you. Don't keep them inside. Express your thoughts and feelings.

(2) Express your thoughts and feelings more often. Don't deal with problems between you and your husband with silence. You should know that expressing your problems with each other is a good choice for you.

(3) If conditions permit, you should try family systems therapy. This is the best way to identify that there is a problem with your family pattern. It will take time to solve it, but it is the best option.

(4) When you two start talking, give each other more trust and space. Don't doubt each other.

(5) Change your problem-solving approach. You can be the one who takes the initiative. When you encounter problems, you can be the first to express your feelings and thoughts. Don't use silence to solve the problems between you.

The world and I love you!

Take care.

Hello, question asker!

From your super organized text, I can see that the way you communicate with your husband is what you're struggling with the most right now.

My husband and I could both stand to communicate more. He often plays with his phone instead of engaging in real conversation, and he tends to remain silent when a conflict arises. He rarely apologizes or offers comfort when things go wrong, which can make you feel a bit "cold violence."

The original poster now has to take care of a second child. When she has a conflict with her husband, she is so understanding and patient that she doesn't even show her anger. She's always the first to make up with him, admit her mistakes, and try to improve their relationship.

I'm really curious, though, why your husband doesn't want to communicate with you.

☹️ It might be something to do with personality.

You have a second child and have been together for a long time. Is your husband introverted and not very talkative? If he's always been like this, it's understandable that you've been feeling frustrated. It's hard when there's a lot going on, and communication can be tricky. It's also possible that your husband is feeling overwhelmed, too. It can be tough to balance everything, and it's natural to feel disappointed when things don't go as smoothly as we'd like. It's okay to feel this way.

The questioner's text doesn't mention how to communicate when there's no conflict (except for paying the credit card at the end of the month). So I think you should still have other relatively calm communication times. If the questioner is angry for the above reasons, you might as well try it! Choose a time when both of you are in a good (or calm) mood and talk to him about your hardships and expectations. Tell him that you need him to share some of the burden with you.

Perhaps he'll listen and face the little things in life with you. Even if he doesn't change, your courage in speaking up about your needs will be a wonderful support for you.

☹️ It might be that he's been feeling a bit stressed recently.

Bringing a new life into the world is an amazing but also stressful time for any parent. It's totally normal for dads to feel unsure about what to do when they're faced with new challenges. They might feel numb, indifferent, or avoid the situation altogether. It's also common for dads to look to their partners, especially moms, for help and guidance.

Hi there! I just wanted to check in and see if I understood your situation correctly. It seems like you and your husband have different schedules, and you go to bed late at night. I'm not sure if he's still at work, but I know that sleeping so late and chatting with female friends on the phone who aren't in the same city on his phone can affect his work the next day. If this happens every day, it might lead to a vicious cycle, and it could make it hard for him to do his best at work. I know it can be tough when we're facing challenges in our relationships, but I'm here to support you in finding solutions.

The questioner clearly states in the text that she wants to change, so let's start by caring for her husband! For example, every day when he comes home, you can first ask him how his day was. If you can tell that he is in a bad mood or a bit tired, ask if something happened and let him tell you about it. Show your willingness to listen and offer comfort.

The questioner doesn't have to worry about doing it perfectly the first time or even within a short period of time. Take your time, start with a greeting, and gradually deepen your conversation. It might take a little getting used to at first, and your husband may not respond to you right away, but he'll see that you care about him. When the day comes that he's ready to lower his defenses and chat and talk with you, the communication problems between you will also improve.

? In addition, the questioner mentioned that he is reluctant to express his anger. We all have that feeling sometimes! But you know that if you express it, you can get out of the impasse of indifference more quickly. So what makes you hide your anger?

It's so important for you to be aware of your own emotional needs. Maybe you think that showing negative emotions like anger in front of your children and husband will make things worse. Or perhaps you don't accept that you have emotions like anger. Maybe you've set a gentle image for yourself in your heart. Or perhaps you feel that anger is useless.

It's so important to remember that everyone has the right to be angry, and that it's okay to express your feelings in a healthy way. In each of your reconciliations, you've taken the initiative, which might have made your husband think that no matter how bad things get, you'll always be there for him. He doesn't need to take a stand or do anything in response; he just needs to wait.

So next time, you can let it all out and then, when you're feeling better, you can calmly suggest a solution and work through it together.

You've got this! I'm rooting for you! ?

Hello, my dear friend! I'll give you a warm hug from afar first.

It's totally normal to feel the injustice, helplessness, and powerlessness you feel in this marriage. It's so common to feel unloved, ununderstood, unsupported, neglected, betrayed, and ignored.

It's okay to feel aggrieved, angry, helpless, and powerless right now. We all do. And it's normal to say "divorce" when a conflict arises. Try to get along with these feelings, experiences, perceptions, and emotions. Sort out the real needs behind your emotional behavior. You want to be respected, understood, supported, seen, cared about, considerate, and loved. What else could you do to respond to and satisfy these needs?

For example, you can directly tell your husband your true feelings and needs, that is, how you want to be treated. Don't make any comments on his actions, just express your true feelings and needs. Let him feel respected, accepted, understood, needed, not rejected, denied, blamed, or criticized. Even if he knows he is wrong and his behavior may hurt you, he will instinctively defend himself to avoid being attacked and hurt. Then not only will your needs not be met, but he may also respond to you with strong emotions.

So, when he feels totally accepted, respected, understood, and supported by you, he'll be able to let down his internal defenses and give you the same kind of response and support.

At the same time, it might be helpful to think about whether his lack of support and neglect of you is something you've allowed to happen. It's totally normal to need support and understanding from your partner in all aspects, especially when you're going through something difficult. Have you tried to directly express your needs to him?

Or maybe you're holding on to so much of the burden yourself because you're afraid of being rejected and denied? Not only will this make you feel drained, but he'll also feel excluded because you don't need him. Or could it be that when he's tried to support and help you, everything he's done may not have met your expectations, and you've ignored and denied it, which has made him feel a strong sense of frustration? Then his initiative to support you will decrease. What do you think?

So, let go of the expectations of being the perfect wife and the perfect mother. You can't be perfect, and you don't need to be. Just be true to yourself and honestly face your feelings and needs. You are not only a wife and a mother, you are also yourself. And that's a wonderful thing!

I truly believe that when you can respect the true feelings of your body and mind and respond to them in a timely and appropriate manner, you won't emotionally express yourself due to excessive feelings of being owed and being drained. This will help you avoid hurting yourself and the relationship. What do you think?

You might find it helpful to keep an emotional diary to record your feelings as they come up. Or you could try some simple techniques like deep breathing or meditation to help you understand your feelings better.

I really think you'd benefit from reading "Intimate Relationships," "Happy Marriage," and "Family on the Hot Plate."

I really hope you have a harmonious and happy marriage!

The fact that the questioner, who just had a second child, is asking this question shows that these issues have been on their mind for a while. They're almost at the point of being triggered. But when they're triggered, it doesn't help the situation. It actually makes the relationship even more distant, which is not what the questioner wants.

"Over the past two months, I've found myself thinking about divorce every time I've had a conflict with my husband." Did you have a conflict with your husband two months ago?

What's the difference between the conflicts that occurred then and now? Could it be related to the changes in the family's life structure brought about by the birth of the second child?

"I know it's tough to make this call, and I'm still hoping to find a way to resolve it first. But the path to a solution is challenging." Divorce is often a way to avoid problems, and it doesn't necessarily address the root cause. Similarly, finding a way to solve the problem isn't always an easy route. It can sometimes be more difficult than avoiding the problem.

The questioner may feel like the road to a solution is difficult because she's aware of the need to find a solution but her husband isn't. These conflicts were created by both of you, so you should work together to resolve them. However, it's now down to you, so why should you be the one to do it?

On top of that, the second child was just born, and at the moment, raising the second child may have been a lot for the questioner to handle. All of this not only made the questioner feel that the road to a solution was difficult, but also made him feel very angry and frustrated.

The reasons for wanting a divorce are:

This is the main issue. I've never been able to figure out the best way to communicate. It seems like he's not unable to do it, but rather unwilling to do it.

It seems like he feels like a victim of change. Every time I get angry, I end up being the one who goes to talk to him. After every conversation, it seems like I'm the one who's in the wrong.

I'll admit when I'm wrong, but it seems like he's unwilling to do the same. Why does it feel like he's now the beneficiary of cold violence?

I understand that it's often the person who suffers who changes, and the person who changes who benefits. However, it's difficult for me to change every time.

The main reason the OP wants a divorce is that she can't find a way to communicate with her husband that works for them both. How did you communicate before?

How did you manage to get to the point of having a second child, from meeting and falling in love, to getting married, without having the "right way to communicate"?

"It seems like he's not unable to do it, but rather unwilling to do it." Have you talked to your husband about your concerns?

If it's just a feeling, then in asking the question, the questioner has already put her husband in a position that's almost the opposite of yours.

When you're in an opposing or hostile position, it's only natural to feel uncomfortable. It's either a competitive relationship or a life-and-death one, and at the end of the day, someone has to come out on top.

It's only natural for people to feel like if they change, their partner will feel wronged. Even though the questioner is open to talking to her husband, she still feels uneasy after every conversation.

From what I can see in the text, it seems like you two are still getting used to having two children, and you're not quite sure how husband and wife should work together better. You're going through a pretty rough adjustment period.

If you can make the adjustment and get through it smoothly, I think you'll be much happier than you were before. If you really can't get over this "hump," as the questioner said, there's no regret in getting a divorce. At least you tried.

I think the questioner should get her husband more involved in the day-to-day care of the children. This will not only increase your interaction and the joy of life, making you more like a family, but it will also make her husband more aware of your hardships. It's also what her husband should be doing as a father and a husband.

At the same time, it also means your husband isn't stuck at home feeling like an outsider who's being neglected.

I'd also suggest that you try to turn your anger into a direct appeal or need to be said. Otherwise, your husband may not know what's making you so angry. To avoid making mistakes, he'll probably just stay silent.

I really hope my response helps you out in some way. Best wishes!

Good day, my name is Evan.

From the questioner's account, it can be discerned that the relationship between the questioner and her husband has reached an untenable state. There is a dearth of communication and consistency in their relationship.

The couple appears to have become estranged, with neither party demonstrating care or affection. They seem to exist merely to occupy the same residence. When confronted with such a relationship, the questioner experiences a sense of bewilderment and uncertainty, lacking the insight to chart a course for the future.

It is not possible for anyone to provide an exact answer regarding the future of the intimate relationship; only the questioner can make that decision. Furthermore, the husband is sending flirtatious text messages to other women. Despite the absence of physical infidelity, this kind of mental infidelity is also a form of hurt to the questioner.

Furthermore, infidelity can be classified into two distinct categories: mental and physical. Mental infidelity, in particular, can be regarded as a form of betrayal for the wife.

I will now provide some straightforward guidance on whether your husband has engaged in mental infidelity and how you should navigate this relationship.

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether your husband shares his thoughts with you.

If an individual has developed romantic feelings for another person, they will likely begin to confide in a third party about their innermost thoughts, sharing their hopes, dreams, concerns, or experiences of success. The questioner can recall whether their husband has ceased to share his worries or their own thoughts with them.

This is indicative of a lack of desire on the part of the husband to be understood by the questioner.

If one learns that one's spouse has disclosed significant information to another individual without first disclosing it to one's self, this may be an indication that one is no longer the primary recipient of such information.

The question concerns the questioner's husband and their sexual relationship.

Additionally, the questioner indicated in the self-introduction that her husband appears to be avoiding sexual intimacy with her. While infidelity is distinct from physical infidelity, the other person's infidelity can also result in a rift between partners.

If there are issues in the level of intimacy between the couple, this will also manifest in the quality of the sexual relationship. There may be a reduction in the amount of physical contact, or the sexual act may not be as emotionally involved and intimate as it once was. In many cases, the sexual act becomes a mere routine, completed in a perfunctory manner.

However, on occasion, the subject may also engage in unusual behaviors, such as displaying sudden displays of affection or offering gifts. The questioner is encouraged to observe these behaviors for themselves.

It is important to ascertain whether your husband is exhibiting signs of distancing himself from you.

If a husband has been unfaithful mentally, he will unconsciously distance himself from his wife. This is because they are afraid that they will say the wrong thing and thereby reveal their infidelity to their spouse.

If a partner is gradually distancing themselves from the other and no longer communicating, there is a possibility that an affair is occurring. If a husband is frequently acting without the other's knowledge or avoiding confrontation, this may be indicative of an affair.

It is recommended that the questioner initiate a conversation with their husband.

If the questioner believes that the individual in question is likely to engage in infidelity, it may be beneficial to inquire directly. Observe whether the individual displays behaviors such as becoming defensive, evasive, or agitated.

In the event that direct questioning is not a viable option, it is also possible to engage in dialogue with the individual in question.

It is inadvisable to commence the discussion by leveling accusations at one's spouse. An alternative approach might be to state, "I am hurt by your constant communication with that friend, including the sending of messages, given that I am your partner."

"We are not as close as we once were."

It is imperative to remain calm.

It is imperative to maintain composure during the discourse. Neither party will achieve a resolution if they are both emotionally charged.

It is imperative that, regardless of whether or not your partner admits to being close to someone else, you refrain from shouting, becoming upset, or displaying any other outward signs of agitation. Instead, take a moment to compose yourself and breathe deeply before speaking.

In the event that your partner denies all allegations, you may wish to take the opportunity to discuss the nature of your relationship, including the issue of emotional distance and neglect.

It is recommended that you seek professional assistance.

Should the questioner perceive that communication between him and his husband remains susceptible to difficulties, he may wish to consider seeking assistance from a psychologist with expertise in family counseling. It may also be beneficial to ascertain whether your husband is amenable to making changes with you, or whether you are able to implement changes to address this matter.

It is important to ascertain one's feelings regarding this issue, whether they are feelings of insecurity or otherwise. Once these feelings have been identified, targeted changes can be made.

In the event of familial difficulties, it is recommended that the questioner engage in discourse with trusted family members and friends regarding their concerns. It is advised that the questioner consult with an impartial third party, but it is imperative to ascertain that divulging information to this individual will not result in resentment from the loved one in question and that the third party is capable of maintaining confidentiality to prevent the loved one from becoming suspicious.

It is my hope that my response will prove beneficial to the original poster.

Hello!

You're a mother of two! You should be happy, but life with young children is chaotic. It's happy, but also painful. Hugs!

You should be happy, but two months ago, you found messages on your husband's phone. Your mood has dropped. We know love and marriage are exclusive, so I understand why you have these thoughts. You said seeing those messages was like a thorn in your heart. It's hard not to care. You're also a mother of two, including a young child.

The second child is very young, and you have become a family of four! This will also affect our adaptation. The arrival of the second child, especially as a mother, has a greater impact. So things that may not have been taken seriously in the past may now become major issues.

If this were the beginning of a relationship, you'd handle it differently and it'd be resolved quickly. But now it's different! You have a family to support and we've experienced life's trials and lost patience!

As you said, when you get angry, you think about getting a divorce.

Even the best couples have thought about divorce. So these thoughts are normal.

You're also very rational. You showed signs of this, and you analyzed all aspects and came here to ask questions. You know you want to take the initiative to change. Who suffers and who changes?

Who changes? Who benefits?

This is a basic rule of psychology.

I understand. You're trying to change him. You're suffering. Life is hard. We hope we can change, even if he changes rarely.

Let's try again and see if we can find a way!

But things are not always as we expect. Children have their own ideas and justifications. It is not easy to change someone's mind or get into someone's wallet. You are quite happy. You said your husband only talks to you when he wants his salary. This proves you hold all the power in our family.

We have the money, and your husband said he feels safe with you. I think you've neglected your husband because you have children. That's why she's looking for emotional support online!

I'm not saying he should be forgiven or that he's right. What he did was wrong, but now that it's happened, let's not dwell on it. Let's just move on!

The thought of divorce can pass through our minds. Let it pass through. Don't think too much about it. If you want to, think like this: will divorce really solve the problem?

What about the kids?

After a divorce, the child will be with the mother or the father. The future may be difficult.

Children don't make big mistakes. If you ignore her, she'll ignore you. This may be a common problem among men. They don't know what to say. If they speak, it's hard to hear. It makes us angry.

They think this is the easiest way.

Men and women think differently. Let's acknowledge this and adjust our moods. Also, since the baby is young, let your husband help with the older child or the baby. This way, he'll have something to do. But be careful: if he's clumsy, don't let it get to you. Show him how to do it, allow him to have an unpracticed process, and show your sincerity. For the sake of a happier and more harmonious family, let's work hard!

Love the world and each other!

After reading the story, I was blown away by the maturity of the poster. You're considering self-change and also thinking about how your two children need a warm home. You're even seeing that although your lover has some content on the phone that makes you feel bad, that's all. This shows that you're a person who considers things thoroughly, which is so great!

The relationship between a husband and wife is the most special and important relationship there is. When yin and yang are in harmony, the family is happy! You know that your relationship with your husband will have a significant impact on the lifelong happiness of your two children. Your children are still young, so you want to make them happy for the rest of their lives. You are constantly learning and finding ways to be happy. You don't want a divorce; you want your marriage to be happy! What a mature mindset! You want to change yourself, not complain or blame others. What a wise idea!

Your goal is to make your family happy and to have a great relationship with your husband!

Your method is so wise! I am changing myself because there are three things in life (God's business, other people's business, and your own business), and I can only do my own business well. Relationships are between two people (me and the other person). If I change, he will change. I'm excited to see what happens!

I'm so excited to hear if you achieved the effect you wanted!

If not, there's still room for improvement! Let's make some tweaks, adjustments, and reflections to make this even better.

Let's figure out together what effect we want to achieve in our communication! How can we make it happen?

How can we say it? How can we do it?

And the best part is, you can make sure your husband is on board with it all! You can also make sure his reasonable needs are being met.

And the best part is, you can get your reasonable needs met!

Everything is achievable through law! I truly believe you can unlock your inner wisdom. As long as you are willing to be a fantastic wife and mother, manage your family and marriage well, and are willing to work hard to learn the ropes of being a wife and mother, you will eventually build your own love nest. There is no happiness that does not require hard work, and no self that does not need to grow. I wish you the very best of luck!

I can see that the questioner needs an additional two comment sections to describe their situation, which makes me feel a very strong need to express myself. There are so many things I want to say, but I'm feeling a bit blocked from finding an outlet to express them. As someone whose main job is to listen, I understand very well how important it is to express yourself/speak up, and I can relate to the struggle of not being able to fully satisfy the need to express oneself.

♥♥♥

The question description keeps coming back to "silence" and "ignoring each other." You don't argue, I don't argue, and you know that as long as you don't argue, I won't argue either. That way, things just pass by, and we've been avoiding unpleasant conflicts through silence.

I'm not sure, but I think it's time for a change!

I also noticed that the number of reasons for divorce and not getting divorced are basically equal. It's like there's this balance in the air, and if there's one or two more reasons for divorce, you'll feel ready to make that choice. And if there are more reasons for not getting divorced, you'll stick to your guns. No matter what the reason is, it's like both sides are holding onto something, and it can only be temporarily maintained in a state of conflict.

"There are equal numbers of conflicts and grievances."

It seems that the couple has become accustomed to silence in their contest, and a kind of balance has been reached in the silence. This sense of balance is not the best, but it is the most effortless and safest. However, balance inevitably blocks the possibility of emotional flow. The appearance of peace is only a temporary cover-up of the problem. What a tricky sense of balance!

We all want to achieve a balanced state in all aspects of our lives. Here, I would suggest that the couple actively destroy the balance, let emotions flow, and face the problems in their hearts. So, how do you break this damned sense of balance?

I'm not sure what to do.

I know it can be tough, but I really think you should choose the difficult path.

If you can hold back for a little while and work it out, is it worth sacrificing some of your idol drama time to have a chat with him?

Absolutely!

Arguing with him is a difficult path, but it is also the path to a permanent solution. Enduring for a while is a shortcut to a minefield. Those thorns that should have been removed in time are left in your heart, and you always have to pay double the effort to digest them.

It's okay to be an "unreasonable" person!

It might be hard to believe, but the other person's wandering thoughts don't seem to affect the foundation of the marriage. Should you take it seriously?

Absolutely!

It's totally understandable that you feel your feelings are being ignored. But why do you still use this seemingly "safe" relationship as a reason not to divorce? Could it be that you're afraid of being labeled as "unreasonable" and "ill-considered"? It's possible that your partner doesn't care about you as much because you're too reasonable. It's true that overflowing love isn't always rational, and "ill-considered" is also a kind of expression.

I'm not sure, but I'm here to help!

I can imagine that this has had an impact on you, and it's also not easy to change things immediately because this sense of balance has been maintained for a long time and has become part of your marital relationship. But, every now and then, losing balance can allow you to experience brand new feelings!

Hello.

Host:

I am Zeng Chen, a heart exploration coach. I have carefully read the post, and I understand the complex and difficult emotions you are feeling.

Furthermore, I commend the poster for facing the issue head-on and actively seeking help on the platform. This will undoubtedly help the poster gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their husband, allowing them to make informed adjustments.

Next, I will share my observations and thoughts in the post, which will help you look at the situation from a more diverse perspective.

1. Deal with your emotions first, then deal with things.

The original poster mentioned that whenever she has a conflict with her husband, she wants to divorce him, but she doesn't really want to. After reading this information, I can confirm that I understand your situation. It also reminds me of something a marriage expert said: "Even the happiest marriage will have 200 urges to divorce and 50 thoughts of wanting to strangle the other person."

It is understandable that you want to divorce when you have conflicts with your husband. At this time, wanting a divorce is not really wanting a divorce, but it is a way to vent emotions and protect yourself.

You need to calm down your emotions so you can ease them.

We need to find a way to soothe our immediate sense of grievance.

The landlord can imagine how she would comfort her best friend if it were her best friend facing such a situation. You should comfort yourself in the way you would comfort your best friend.

2. Identify the underlying needs driving your emotions.

In a marriage relationship, we have a tendency to have strong emotional reactions. This is often because we have expectations of each other.

We expect the other person to do something, and when they don't, we get emotional. This is because our emotions hide our needs and expectations.

We must ask ourselves: why do we have such emotional reactions? What are these emotions trying to tell us, and what kind of expectations are they trying to convey?

He needs to explore and find his own needs.

3. Express your needs.

The original poster has observed that whenever there is a conflict, the two of you don't speak. It's clear that the original poster is aware that this kind of communication may have problems.

Men and women think differently. Men need a period of calm when they encounter a problem.

He needs a process, which is what I call "cave time." When a woman encounters a problem, she often wants to solve it immediately.

It's unfair to expect the other person to know you're angry just because you're silent. You have every right to express your feelings and reflect on your actions. You deserve attention.

This difference can easily result in men and women avoiding each other when they have a conflict.

We must learn new communication skills to solve this problem. The host should look at the communication model in "Nonviolent Communication."

We can resolve conflicts and express our needs. To truly understand us, the other party must first know what we need.

Only then will we know what we need. At this point, the other person will be able to satisfy us.

4. Boundaries It is essential to set clear boundaries to ensure mutual respect and understanding.

I want to know what a boundary is. I also want to know what is permissible and what is not.

We must know what is acceptable to us and what is not. We must also know our own boundaries and where our bottom line is.

It is also essential to communicate clearly to the other person where our boundaries lie and what we will accept.

If you cross the line, what will happen? Psychology teaches us that how others treat us is a reflection of how we teach them. So, how do we teach them? When others cross our bottom line and hurt us, we do not express our feelings and do not let the other person know where our bottom line is.

Some people think they can do those things. Intimacy is part of a relationship.

5. Focus on the relationship.

Look at the relationship and identify the issues. If you're unsure, seek professional help.

You can also learn about intimate relationships by taking courses or reading books on the subject. I highly recommend doing so.

It's clear from what you've told me that you're not looking to get divorced just yet. So let's focus on how we can make your relationship better!

1. Try to improve your communication style, my friend.

Have you ever thought about why your husband seems to enjoy chatting with a woman who is so far away from him and has so few opportunities for growth? It's probably because she gives him a kind and caring presence, which makes him feel a sense of achievement and joy.

This is what is now called emotional value. So, it might be helpful to think about why you can't bring emotional value to the other person.

Oh, why does it always end up in an argument or a cold war the moment you open your mouth?

From what you've said, it seems like you're probably in a better position financially and the main contributor to the family's finances. Could it be that you're the stronger person?

Could this be making him feel a bit belittled? Or is his sense of dignity being hurt by your bossy attitude?

If this is the reason, you might as well communicate with the other person in a gentle and tactful manner. Instead of pointing out the other person's mistakes directly, you should instead change the way you phrase it to say something like "I need you to do something for me."

For example, if you want your sweetie to go to bed early, chances are you've said something like, "Can you go to bed a little earlier?"

If you phrase it differently, it could be something like, "Darling, would you like to rest with me?"

2. And don't forget to enhance your own charm!

It's totally normal for women to lose their figure after giving birth. They might not look as pretty as they did before, and they might also feel a bit under the weather because of the physical discomfort of having given birth.

This can lead to some pretty intense feelings, like anxiety and an unconscious worsening of one's temper. In extreme cases, it can even lead to postpartum depression.

It's so easy to forget, isn't it? Men often don't realise how much their wives are struggling, and women can sometimes forget how much their partners are going through. When a man doesn't see his wife's pain and hardship, he might think she's not as gentle as before, not as pretty as before, and that she's focusing all her energy on the children and not caring about him. It's so sad when this happens, and it's natural for men to feel aggrieved and even resentful inside.

As a result, you might find yourself becoming a little more self-centered and perhaps even losing sight of your family responsibilities a little bit. So, to help you address this problem, it might be a good idea to take a look at the issues that have arisen in yourself and make some positive changes.

It would be really lovely if you could inspire your partner to take on more responsibility for the family and for you. And it would be great if you could enhance your own charm!

I know that after giving birth, women are especially eager for men to do more and share some of the burden. It's totally understandable!

I know it can be tough to ask women to change and accommodate, especially when you're feeling the pressure. But here's the thing: if there's a way to make things better, it's worth trying. It'll be worth the effort, I promise!

So, you might want to try guiding your partner subtly, influencing them, repairing your marriage, and returning your family life to its original beauty.

It can be really helpful to mention the good things you felt when you were in love at the right time. It's also a great idea to remind your partner of the feelings they had for you at the beginning.

For instance, take out a dress he once gave you and say, "Darling, I've lost a lot of weight after the baby was born, and I'll be able to wear this dress you gave me again soon." It's important to remember that men all want their women to care about them and admire them. When he feels that you love and cherish the clothes he gave you so much, he'll definitely feel happy inside.

2. It's always a nice idea to give your partner a little gift now and then. And during the holidays, let your partner feel your tenderness and care!

3. Why not ask your partner to do you a little favor? Then, encourage and praise him, so that he knows he can get your praise by making a little effort, and that you and the kids need him and he can meet your needs.

At this time, he'll feel really proud of himself!

3. Let's try to give him a little more of that sense of crisis!

It's so understandable that the man has become more self-centered because he feels that he will not get a divorce after having children. This has probably led to a more relaxed state of mind. As a result, your life has become what it is now.

It's so interesting how men rarely realize their own problems and instead turn their attention to matters that make them feel excited and happy. For example, they go to the virtual world to find spiritual comfort.

You might want to consider chatting with your friends more often. This could create the impression that you're really popular and even have someone interested in you. It might make the other person feel a bit threatened, but it could also be a good thing!

Let's help him feel more protective of his family and confident in defending their dignity.

Fourth, it would be great to do more activities with your kids!

It's so important to involve men in parent-child activities. And it's such a joy to experience fatherhood! Let's encourage men to pay more attention to their children.

It's true that many men today are still a bit immature and act like children sometimes. This is something that women can help with. It's a great opportunity for you to show him how to be a good father!

Why not sign up for a parent-child activity class together? It'll be a great way for him to experience the joy of being a father, which will really help to strengthen your family bond.

Hello,

I'm happy to answer your question. From what you've told me, it seems like you and your husband have some issues. You and your husband don't communicate well, and this has started to make you lose confidence in the marriage. However, you're reluctant to choose divorce, and you're very distressed about this.

And he has had another child, and the two children are still young, so you may have focused more on your kids and taken your husband's emotional needs for granted, which is why you're in the situation described in your article, where you feel very angry when you see him chatting with other women in the living room or bathroom.

From what you've said, it seems like your marriage is just going through a rough patch. It's good to argue sometimes, as it shows you still care about each other, even if you don't see eye to eye. A cold war is when you stop caring about each other.

I think it's important to include your child in your communication. You can ask her to help you take care of the child, which will enhance the father-son relationship. At the same time, you can also pay attention to his work and express your concern for his personal situation. You can ask about his work situation, not just how much he earns. You can choose to tell her something that will make her happy, such as anecdotes from work or some hot topics he has been paying attention to recently, to completely relax him.

If you think it would help, you can ask a professional family therapist to come in and talk with you. Through role-playing, you can understand each other's true needs in the marriage, and on this basis, adjust your needs for each other and return to the original happy and harmonious life! I'm happy to have an appointment with you. Best regards, [Signature] [Name] [Title]