When working, I am complained about and accused of shirking responsibilities, and I can't help but feel upset. How can I adjust my mindset?

Dear Question Asker, I comprehend your disquiet thoroughly. It is challenging to experience positive affect when it is evident that responsibility lies elsewhere and you are the one being held accountable.

1. Those aspiring to leadership roles must be prepared to assume the responsibilities inherent to such positions.

1. The original poster indicated that he is regarded as the primary decision-maker. In this context, you are the designated point of contact for the project within your department and the initial point of accountability. Should any issues arise, you will be the primary contact, which is a standard expectation.

It is also important to recognise that if the project is completed successfully, the credit will be attributed to you. If you wish to assume a position of responsibility, you must be prepared to accept the associated responsibilities.

2. The leader is not the one who assumes responsibility for a mistake. This is, in fact, an excellent opportunity to develop these skills. If one can learn to lead effectively in this project, it is likely that a promotion will soon follow.

2. Emotional Management

In the workplace, emotional management is a fundamental skill to acquire. The objective is to project an image of emotional stability and professionalism.

Emotions are the expression and output of subjective feelings without screening or discrimination. In layman's terms, they are reactions that have not been subjected to conscious reflection.

Emotional expression can be divided into three stages. The first stage, mindfulness, involves analyzing and judging an encounter, and deciding on an attitude to express. The second stage, facial expression, is the passive output of emotions. Thoughts manifest in facial expressions, movements, and tone of voice, and are perceived by the other person before the words are spoken. The third stage, opening the mouth, is the active output stage of emotions. It allows for the selection of various responses in words and actions.

3. To prevent the loss of emotional control, it is essential to deconstruct the issue in the "mindfulness" phase and accurately comprehend the challenging situation. It is crucial to differentiate between the emotions conveyed in others' statements and the factual elements of the situation.

To illustrate, if colleague A displays a lack of patience and becomes irritated, it is important to recognise that they are experiencing a sense of urgency and require the necessary materials. The underlying emotion may be frustration at the perceived lack of efficiency and reliability.

It is imperative to maintain an objective perspective and refrain from emotional involvement when examining the facts.

Furthermore, the fact that A treats you this way indicates that she believes you are less capable than she is and can therefore intimidate you without facing any consequences. The questioner also stated that A is an old colleague and therefore should be more capable than you, which is an objective fact.

Should the questioner recognize this, it would be unproductive to direct anger towards A. Instead, it would be more beneficial to focus on enhancing one's own capabilities as soon as possible.

3. It is advisable to engage in reflection.

1. Upon initial contact from colleague A, it is advisable to inform her that you are willing to assist on a provisional basis, relinquishing other pressing responsibilities to do so. It is important to emphasise that you are also accountable for this project and that your contribution is essential. It is, therefore, incumbent upon you to convey your willingness to support her, and to provide her with a realistic timeframe for your preparation, thus avoiding any undue pressure or inconvenience.

2. Colleague B transmits a document for your review, which you should complete in order to avoid any obvious and elementary errors. This is because the document represents not only B, but also you.

3. Why do colleagues at the same level shirk responsibility when something goes wrong? The answer lies in their lack of accountability and the fact that the benefits of the project do not accrue to them.

Furthermore, as colleagues at the same level, they are also competitors, eager to see one another fail. Therefore, it is crucial to exercise caution when dealing with such colleagues.

4. It is advisable to communicate with one's direct supervisor in a timely manner. As long as the supervisor is kept informed and any potential misunderstandings are avoided, this is an acceptable approach.

It is important to recognize that your leader has the greatest influence over your professional trajectory. It is therefore crucial to avoid dwelling on past events and to not let today's emotions dictate tomorrow's actions. Doing so would be a significant detriment to your personal and professional growth.

Growth is inherently challenging. Those who engage in introspective reflection and utilize the insights gained from their experiences to avoid future pitfalls and mistakes will ultimately become more resilient.

I extend my best wishes to you.

Good morning, host.

There are two potential avenues for improving your situation. I will conclude my response within two or three days, and today I will address the first approach:

It is important to understand, support, and agree with yourself. However, seeking understanding and agreement from the other party is not productive.

The other party requested assistance without prior communication, and you promptly collaborated with them to facilitate the urgent completion of tasks by your subordinates. Despite your provision of three emails containing both correct and incorrect responses, which did increase the other party's time and effort to process the information, the other party's accusations were somewhat challenging to accept. This is evidently a negative assessment that directly disregards your efforts and generalizes a "minor mistake" (not to mention that you rectified it in a timely manner) under urgent circumstances as "unreliable" and "generalizing from incomplete information."

The unfavorable assessment of the "law."

I believe this is obviously not the case. If you are really so unreliable, it is difficult to understand how you could still be invited to be the head of a department.

The first step is to gain an understanding of your own strengths and weaknesses. It is important to recognize that you are not defined by the comments of others, whether they perceive you as reliable or not. Everyone has unique qualities, and while external feedback can provide valuable insights, it is essential to align your self-perception with these observations. Your ability to accept and incorporate feedback is influenced by your self-awareness and attitude towards external opinions.

The reason for feeling aggrieved and sad is that, at a fundamental level, we have expectations of the other person – to be understood and to be recognized. The colleague's criticism carries a twofold message: on the one hand, the other person does not understand your situation and your efforts. You put aside what you were doing to quickly cooperate with the other person, and your urgent corrective actions are a show of support for the other person. On the other hand, the other person does not give you recognition for all these efforts and support, but expresses it in a critical way.

The key point is that we do not want to be evaluated in this way. In essence, part of us is seeking understanding and recognition from the person judging us.

It is therefore necessary to adjust one's mentality by refraining from identifying with the other person's judgment of oneself, giving up the expectation of the other person understanding and identifying with oneself, and instead learning to understand, identify with, and support oneself. No one else has the right to judge oneself in this way. One is the only person who knows whether one is reliable and responsible. In a larger context, it is obvious that one's character is not determined by this colleague or anyone else, but by oneself.

However, I am aware that merely acknowledging that "you define yourself" and providing this information is insufficient. That is why I used the word "learn." This implies that you not only have to comprehend this truth, but also strive to genuinely "do" it on an emotional level. This is a challenging task. You can reflect on how colleague A supports herself. I strongly disagree with her generalization and accusation of your behavior. However, there is one aspect that is worth considering: how does she support herself?

Please clarify why you requested assistance at the last minute when you did not perceive him to be unreliable or irresponsible.

I am not endorsing your colleague's work style. I am neutral about work styles and recognize that everyone has their own choices, provided they do not violate the law. I am discussing how it feels. How does it feel to not have enough time? If you were in his shoes, would you wait until the last minute to get someone to cooperate?

Did you consult with the other department to determine an appropriate handover time? If so, what factors influenced your decision to pursue this course of action instead of acting as your colleague did?

It is nearly impossible to fully adopt another person's emotional state, but we can certainly strive to alter our own feelings about a situation. For instance, when we are wrongfully accused, we can choose to move on from feelings of distress and resentment. By doing so, we empower ourselves to understand and support ourselves. We must believe in our own innocence in order to achieve this. The innermost aspect of our humanity is often challenging for others to grasp and change. We must recognize that we don't require external understanding and support.

It is important to remember that a person who is uninterested in and ignorant of your situation and course of action has no right to conclude that you are "unreliable and irresponsible." They are only concerned with their own needs and cannot see you at all.

Expressing remorse and sadness about such a judgment is an attempt to gain the approval of the judge.

This concludes my remarks. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

Hello, host! Thanks so much for having me.

Yesterday's answer gave you a great way to adjust your mindset. It's called "looking inward."

I just want to repeat something really important. It's not enough to understand on a mental or cognitive level that you need to reduce your sadness. You also need to let go of the expectation of seeking approval from those who judge you. Use this cognitive change to remind yourself to think more and train yourself. This way, you'll gradually feel less aggrieved and sad when you face similar situations in the future.

Today, we're going to chat about the second method, which is the "outside approach."

It's so important to recognize when someone is attacking you and what they need. When you do that, you can resist the attack and stand firm.

Answered yesterday: When discussing changes in feelings, some questions were left open, such as "Why did you ask for something at the last minute? Didn't you feel that you were unreliable and irresponsible?" and "How did you feel that you were too late for this?"

The original poster can use the details of this incident to help identify how this colleague has made you feel a bit aggrieved and sad.

In any case, it's important to remember that verbalizing criticism of others can be perceived as an attack. Behind the criticism, there must be a need. Here are some more questions to help you sort things out:

1. "There was no prior communication with me, and suddenly they called in the morning to ask if I had finished xx. I said it wasn't ready. " - It seems like you wanted to use something you made, but you didn't say anything about it beforehand. When you asked about it, it sounded like you did say something about it beforehand. What is the underlying need?

2. "She was a little impatient and spoke a bit rudely when she kept nagging me even though it was still less than ten minutes until my colleague A got back." - We've all been there! What is the underlying need when someone is impatient and speaks rudely even though it is still less than ten minutes until the person gets back?

3. "I fixed the typo in the email, but I sent it the first time with the mistake. I also sent it by email, and it was sent to me again the second time, and I forwarded it right away. At this time, colleague A called and scolded me, saying that I was so unreliable, and that this wasn't the first time I had done it.

"It's just that your colleague made a small mistake, and I'm wondering what the need is behind the generalized accusation against you.

I'm not sure exactly what's going on, and I don't know how urgent this colleague needs what you have. She seems impatient and resorts to verbal abuse, which is totally understandable given the circumstances. If the matter is urgent and she's feeling the pressure, it's only natural that she'd be unable to understand your situation or appreciate your full cooperation.

In this case, it's all about their own needs. They're in such a hurry, so when they get an email that's been sent in error, they'll probably get even more agitated. It's only natural to say some unpleasant things when you're anxious and upset. I really disapprove of such behavior, but we've all been there, right?

I can see another possibility, too. I think her attack on you began when she first called. It might not have been just about the need to use what you have right away. It could also have been about another important need—to free herself from the responsibility of not consulting you in advance and asking you to do something that needs to be done now, which might delay her own work. There might be other needs, too, although we can't confirm them, so they're just possibilities. I'll discuss this one possibility, though.

The first sentence, "Is xx done? It can't be used yet," shows that you've been given the task a while ago, but you've been putting it off and haven't finished it with her. I think you can understand what this means: the follow-up reminders in less than ten minutes and the accusations of email errors are making the attack stronger and stronger. These actions show that her initial attack on you and the reason she set out is true — she gave you the task a while ago but you haven't finished it, and she's been waiting for you for a while and putting up with you for a while. If she doesn't teach you with such urgency, she's worried that you won't finish the task.

If you didn't recognize her attack in the first place, you might have a hard time understanding what she did next. Think back to the details of the incident: "It felt like I was the one taking the blame. Once something went wrong, my colleagues would shift the blame to me and say that I didn't do a good job, and that's why this problem occurred. As the person in charge, I had to report it to the higher-ups, and they blamed me for not doing a good job too." Try to identify where you took the blame each time. I suspect that the "blame-shifting" tactics of these people in these incidents may be varied, but there is one thing that is constant: the need to distance themselves from responsibility. It's all your fault!

I really don't think your colleague meant to set you up like this. We can't plan for everything in life, and we can't always know what will happen. What if you don't play by her rules? I think she might not even know the difference between her need to distance herself from responsibility and her need for safety.

I think this is a need to avoid danger, or in other words, a need for security. We should know that the need for security is the most fundamental and core human need. It is so deeply hidden that too often humans are driven to act and speak in this way instinctively and subconsciously, without being aware of the need behind all these actions.

I just wish we could all get along better! Some people don't even know where they picked up the habit of attacking others to gain security, while others feel so strange and unable to recognize such a pattern. Now, through this incident, you may be able to try to learn to recognize it. By insisting on self-training, you may be able to realize at the first moment that you are being attacked invisibly.

When someone asks you, "Is xx done yet?," you can kindly reply, "I haven't received any information that you need xx. Please let me know your needs in advance by email in the future, and I'll arrange the time to hand it over to you at a time that works for both of us."

It's so important to set the rules for working together or cooperating with each other. It's also great to let people know that if they need your help, they have to stick to your schedule. This is your commitment to yourself, and it's a wonderful thing!

Of course, flexibility is also needed in rules. But how to deal with the flexibility of rules and replace your own schedule in an emergency also requires perseverance. For example, if you have told a colleague in the above way that you need to contact you in advance to discuss it before you can do it for her, and she is in a hurry to use it, then you can ask her to give you a valid reason. You need to remember to stick to yourself. What I mean is: you originally had your own work arrangements, and it is not that you cannot help in an emergency. You have the choice and the decision to help or not, and you are in control of your autonomy. It is not that she has a need and she is in a hurry, so you have to accommodate her. The decision does not lie with her.

If so, I truly believe that your state of mind will not need to be adjusted by seeking inward. By keeping attacks at bay, you will not be so aggrieved. I truly believe this is the ultimate solution.

Summary: After every upsetting event, take a moment to reflect on how you were attacked, even if it was in a way you couldn't see. Think about how others attack and what needs they might have that are hidden behind their actions. Relive the event and imagine how you could have responded at various points to keep the attack at bay.

I'm really sorry to have to say this, but I feel a bit guilty writing this response today because I know that recognising the aggression of others also requires the ability to understand such aggression. I'm worried that if you keep practising this, you might change into someone who is aggressive, and I really don't want to see that. I really hope that you'll only use the ability to recognise aggression that you've learned to protect yourself.

I really hope that you and I can both learn to protect ourselves, but I also really hope that we can find the strength to treat the world with kindness.

That's all for now! I love you and the world loves you too!

If you really feel down, you should let off some steam. Find a quiet place to cry or do something that doesn't hurt anyone and doesn't cost much, like singing or shouting.

Deal with all your unhappy and sad emotions first.

Then, review the situation.

First of all, the questioner is a great leader. They are in charge, responsible for the project, able to make decisions, drive progress, and even arrange for others to do the work.

Frankly, I don't know if the questioner was recently promoted or if it's been a while.

Sometimes, the work of a position is done deliberately by someone who cares.

It's entirely possible that you're not used to it, that you're new to the job, or that it's been a while since you did it.

This is a work habit, a leadership style, or a management problem.

Doing things well and completing your assigned tasks is easy. Motivating a team to accomplish things is the difficult part.

It is, to some extent, also difficult.

In particular, it's possible that someone below will not obey you, that someone in a parallel position will not be able to stand you, that the leader above will not be satisfied, and it's even possible that

It is possible that someone is secretly envious and resentful of you.

Let's be frank. In the workplace, it's not out of the question to say that their urging and anger, and even the shirking of blame, are done to show the boss that they are working.

If you can, look at it objectively and decide whether this person, this matter, and the people involved have always acted this way or if there are special circumstances. There are different reasons, causes, and contributing factors.

You can solve the problem.

We need to find out if it is really as the other party described. We also need to decide whether you need to speed up efficiency or something else.

You should consider improving your own work efficiency or that of your team.

And even the principle and attitude of accepting work.

People who are kind are easily bullied.

Similarly, poor communication can also lead to problems. This includes provoking conflicts.

You should do more of whatever it is that will give you something extra.

You have to show you're helping others, not just take it for granted. Handle things right, and you'll get the job done while promoting team integration and harmony. Don't shirk responsibilities or show off to your boss.

Your behavior, actions, and outcomes in the workplace are all unique.

You need to decide what kind of workplace person you want to be.

I trust you'll find it satisfactory.