Why can't you control your emotions when you always resort to action and violence to solve problems?

Dear host, I'm lucky to talk about this with you.

From your message, it seems like you really want to make your marriage work.

You describe

The husband provided more emotional value during the two years of marriage. He was an only child, his parents were affectionate, and the whole family spoiled him.

The husband is emotionally stable and gives himself and others love.

It's about loving yourself before loving others.

You can learn to love later in life.

Emotional stability is important for expressing these abilities.

If you're oversensitive and act on impulse, those around you will be on their guard. Over time, this becomes a habit, and you'll find it hard to express your feelings.

If this goes on, the couple's emotional communication will be damaged.

For the situation you mentioned, the respondent has the following suggestions:

Be more aware of yourself.

You can do this by reading and getting experience.

Read "Nonviolent Communication."

You can also read classic psychology books, like "Zeng Qifeng's Psychology Class" and "The Complete Psychological Analysis of Freud." They're very helpful.

2. Learn to understand yourself better.

Do some exercise, meditation, and persist.

The respondent agrees that controlling emotions is about managing them.

Knowing your emotions and needs helps you to feel better.

Both words and violence come from a hurt child inside you. Your husband is not your full-time healer. If he has the professional ability to do this, the respondent does not recommend it. It can be harmful to your long-term health.

3. Set a goal and learn quickly, but be patient.

In nature, spring plowing, summer weeding, autumn harvesting, and winter storing means sprouting in the spring, growing in the summer, harvesting in the autumn, and storing in the winter. It also refers to the general process of agricultural production and the process of things happening and developing.

So, stick with it and be positive. I'm sure your learning will lead to big changes.

Everything is difficult at first, but you'll be amazed at how much you can learn and grow. All the hard work you've done in the past will help you build a better future and marriage.

Keep up the good work! I love you!

Hello, friend with trouble controlling emotions!

First, talk about your inability to control your emotions. It's natural to get angry, but losing control is basically excusable for adults.

Would you lose your temper with your boss or colleagues?

Or do you lose your temper with everyone in the family? Not really.

You know there are consequences if you lose your temper, so you usually lose it with family members.

Everyone gets emotional. Allow yourself to have emotions like anger, fury, or sadness.

You lose your temper at home with your husband. Why?

Is it because your husband's approach is different? If so, you have a problem with your boundaries.

You've confused what others should do with what you should do. You get angry when things don't go your way.

No matter who it is, losing your temper will hurt the relationship. This is true even if you lose your temper, let alone if you become violent.

Everyone has a limit. When it's reached, the result may not be what you want.

What should I do? Here are some suggestions: 1. Each person is responsible for their own affairs.

Second, when you feel angry, take a deep breath and wait a few seconds. Third, go outside to calm down.

Fourth, you can vent your anger on things like a sandbag or a doll.

From the message, I can see that the questioner is really struggling with how to express herself in her marriage. It's so hard when you're trying to resolve conflicts and you just can't control yourself! And it's so sad to see her feeling guilty and troubled about hurting her partner with her words and violence.

It's clear that the questioner is facing some big challenges in this area. But it's also obvious that she's doing a great job of reflecting and trying different ways to regulate herself. This is a fantastic foundation to build on! I really hope that the following sharing can help the questioner think in new ways and provide you with some support.

It can be really helpful to put yourself in different situations in your life to see how your self-expression and emotional control work in different contexts.

The main message shows that the questioner, when dealing with her husband, tends to resort to violence to resolve conflicts, which often results in him being "battered." This leads to the following conclusion:

I just don't know why it's so hard for me to control my emotions and resolve conflicts. I know my words and actions can hurt him, and I'm really trying to work on it.

But there's more! The questioner is also a daughter, an employee, a friend, and a colleague of others. She might even be a mother!

It's totally normal for the way we express ourselves and process our emotions to change depending on the social roles we play.

It can be really helpful to take a step back from your role as a wife and see yourself from a more objective point of view. This can help you gain a clearer understanding of how you deal with emotions and express yourself, both in common situations and in different ways.

1. We all have different ways of dealing with problems, expressing ourselves, and managing our emotions in different situations and roles.

2. I'm here to tell you that it's absolutely possible to express yourself and control your emotions! It all depends on the situation, how close you are to the person you're with, and how secure you feel with them.

3. It's so important to seek advice and help in certain situations. We all need a helping hand sometimes! And it's also good to remember that there's more than one way to solve a problem. When you're facing conflicts in the role of wife, it's okay to admit that you're not always going to be able to solve everything on your own.

2. Looking at the family system and how it has influenced this approach is also really important.

2. Let's also think about how the family system has influenced this approach, based on what you've shared about your original family and your own self-analysis.

From the message, I could sense that the questioner was feeling a bit down on themselves and helpless. I tried to look at some of the issues from the way they first started in the original family, as well as how their parents and the husband's original family and living environment influenced them.

This is a great way of looking at things that really helps us understand our current family relationships better. You can even take it a step further on an individual level. Once you and your husband have formed a family, the atmosphere and patterns of interaction in the family are created together through mutual interaction. In other words, there's also a special "relationship" between you and him.

As you mentioned in your message, you "domestic abuse" your husband, and he doesn't fight back, sticking to the bottom line of "never hitting you."

This interaction pattern causes you both pain but also keeps you together. At an unconscious level, the husband may be expressing his tolerance and love for you in this way, while your unstoppable violence is a way of constantly confirming your love.

When love can't be expressed in a healthy way, it's often communicated through some pretty unfortunate circumstances. And the solution to ending this pattern is often not something that you or your husband can achieve on your own.

It's so important to look at the family unit and think about how you can improve your interactions. This will help you to replace the unhealthy ways of expressing love and care for each other with healthy ones.

3. When things are going well in your relationship, it's a great idea to give each other more space to chat and work out together how to resolve any little disagreements without them getting in the way of your lovely, happy relationship.

It's so true that conflicts often don't just pop up out of nowhere. They tend to build up over time, and sometimes, one little thing can set them off.

So, instead of "killing 1,000 enemies and injuring 800" in times of conflict, let's try to make conflicts disappear in everyday conversations, or present them in a smaller way.

This still requires the joint efforts of you and your husband. When the relationship is harmonious, you can communicate with each other honestly, allowing each other's grievances to be expressed in a harmonious atmosphere, rather than turning into grievances that will hurt each other in the future.

Together, you can create a family communication mechanism and take action to enhance the appreciation and expression of each other's contributions. This will help to relieve any low pressure that may arise in the family, allowing you to return to a peaceful life in a world of peace and harmony.

I'm not trying to pry into your personal life, but as someone who cares about your well-being. I truly hope things work out for you.

Good day to the inquirer. I am honored to respond to your question and hope that my answer will prove useful.

You have recognized the situation and are committed to making changes, which is an encouraging beginning. I am confident that you will continue to improve.

We will commence by examining the causes of violence.

It is not uncommon for individuals to become violent when faced with a conflict. They may feel that they have accumulated a significant amount of negative emotions from their childhood, including feelings of being aggrieved, dissatisfied, angry, resentful, and indignant at their inability to take action.

During childhood, language systems were not yet fully developed, rendering it difficult for children to express their emotions verbally. Consequently, they often resorted to expressing their feelings through actions and body language. This explains why children engage in frequent conflict with one another.

It is plausible that, during one's childhood, for a multitude of reasons, one was unable to engage in a verbal dispute with a sibling or to physically resist their actions. This resulted in the accumulation of significant levels of unexpressed anger. Upon reaching adulthood, these emotions manifested as unconscious reactions to situations that elicited feelings of anger.

Following an examination of the underlying causes, I will proceed to outline potential solutions.

First, it is essential to cultivate an awareness of one's emotional state. It is not uncommon for individuals in a marital relationship to hold disparate perspectives.

It is a normal physiological response to experience heightened emotions when engaged in a conflictual situation. The crucial step is to first become aware of these emotions.

Which of his statements evoked a particular emotional response, such as anger or resentment?

The emotion of anger is a complex one, and its manifestations can be difficult to discern.

Secondly, it is important to associate with one's emotional state. This entails identifying the underlying causes of the emotional response and associating it with relevant past experiences.

Given that emotions are often irrational, it is important to recognize that the emotions experienced in the present are not merely a transient phenomenon, but rather a complex interplay between past emotional experiences. When a situation bears resemblance to past experiences, it can evoke a similar emotional response, akin to the accumulation of a snowball, growing in intensity over time.

To be frank, our emotional response is not merely a reaction to the immediate situation, but also a manifestation of past experiences.

It is therefore imperative to gain an understanding of the underlying causes of our current emotional state by discerning the events of the past that have contributed to our present feelings.

Thirdly, it is advisable to establish a mechanism for regulating one's emotional response. In the event that one perceives the other party's words as provocative and experiences a strong urge to retaliate physically, it is recommended to temporarily suspend the response.

In the event of experiencing an emotional response, it is advisable to first acknowledge the emotion and then take a moment to process it.

Fourth, one can directly express one's thoughts, become aware of them, and make them explicit. For example, if one truly desires to strike the other party, one can simply state this intention.

The assertion, "I really want to hit you," is an effective means of signaling one's intent to the other party, thereby preventing further provocation and temporarily resolving the conflict without resorting to physical confrontation.

These steps will undoubtedly result in a reduction of violent tendencies until they are no longer present.

Hello, host. I'm smiling.

After reading your description, I understand your question better. I'll give you a hug in all four dimensions of space.

From your description, it's clear you understand your current problems and know how to solve them.

The problems you mentioned are related to your family of origin. The unfair treatment you received caused you to solve problems in an action-oriented and violent manner. You rarely used communication to solve problems.

You were neglected by your parents, which has left you more vulnerable to pain than scolding. This has caused many of your emotions to be suppressed, erupting rarely when you were a child. They will erupt more often when you grow up and have appropriately detached from your original family and people close to you.

Our previous family therapy teacher was right: you will be matched with someone whose level of self-development is comparable to yours. This means that your current husband is not at the same level of self-development as you. It is possible that your husband's level of self-development is higher than yours.

Your husband comes from a loving family and is an only child. The focus of his family is on him, while you were neglected and ignored by yours. These two extremes seem like they couldn't be more different, but in your relationship with your current husband, you will find that his level of self-development will bring you to a higher level.

Your husband is trying hard, but it will be difficult. Even if you hit him, he doesn't fight back, which shows he was brought up not to hit girls. He is angry, obviously, and has been subjected to your violence. He may also be resentful and depressed.

I have also summarized ways to help alleviate the current situation. I am confident that these will help you to some extent.

(1) Relax and take your time. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You already know what your current problems are.

(2) Reconnect with your family of origin. Resisting it will only make things harder for you now.

(3) Change your problem-solving approach. Don't continue using the same methods as in the past. Adopt as many diverse problem-solving methods as possible. For example, use communication.

Read the book Nonviolent Communication. It is very well written, and I am certain that after reading it, you will have a more comprehensive understanding of your emotions and problem-solving methods.

(5) Get professional psychological help from a counselor if you can. They can help you solve problems in a more professional way.

(6) You must establish a boundary line and avoid interfering in each other's lives. Despite conflicts, you must set your own limits. Don't let emotions control you. Manage them instead.

(7) You and your husband should try family systems therapy if you can. It will help you understand your relationship.

The world and I love you.

Take care.

Hello! I can see you're confused. You know your violent behavior hurts your partner, but you can't control it. You want to change.

What was your childhood like? Did you experience domestic violence?

If so, you are repeating the trauma from your family of origin.

You say you were neglected and had a competitive relationship with your siblings. What did you experience? Was it anger at not being loved?

Have you used this method to deal with competitors in the past?

If you're angry and your partner is safe, you can attack him. Be aware of yourself. What feelings does he trigger in you?

You're a smart person. You know how your problems could affect your marriage. Not everyone is brave enough to face their problems. I admire your courage. But I suggest you get professional help.

You can also release your anger if you're alone and safe.

Allow yourself to be angry. Anger is just a feeling.

2. Express your anger. Punch a pillow, yell at a photo, or pretend to talk to the person when you're alone.

3. Exercise to release your anger.

4. Don't let anger make you feel bad about yourself.

5. Know what you will and won't accept in a relationship. Learn to express anger clearly.

Anger can help you focus on yourself. Replace "I'm angry because my partner doesn't look after me and doesn't consider my feelings" with "I'm responsible for myself."

I'm Mingyang, and I love you!

Here's what the questioner had to say:

In the two years of marriage, in general, her husband has provided more emotional value.

After a disagreement, he often resorts to violence to resolve issues, resulting in him being hurt by being strangled, punched, or elbowed, etc.

He sticks to one rule: he'll never hit me, he's just protecting himself. I can't stand it when I "abuse" him.

Let's talk about the questioner's personal situation.

She's 30 years old with an older sister who is three years older. Her parents are in love, and her father deferred to her mother. The parents of the second child expected her to be a boy.

She was neglected in sibling rivalry while growing up.

My husband is an only child. His parents are very affectionate, and he was the apple of their eye growing up.

The questioner is a bit confused.

I don't understand why I find it so hard to express myself and resolve conflicts without resorting to violence, and why my words hurt him so much.

Just a quick note to the questioner:

The key thing to remember is that, legally speaking, you have committed a crime. If the other party files for divorce, you'll be in a tricky situation. And why would you want to hurt someone who loves you?

From what I've read, it seems like the questioner's actions weren't just an emotional outburst, but a deliberate attempt to harm the other person. Choking, punching, and elbow strikes are attacks on the other person to vent anger. Regardless of past experiences or the circumstances, hitting someone to vent is never the right thing to do, and it's not up for debate.

On top of that, you've also picked up from your parents' relationship that your dad is totally accepting of your mum. In your subconscious, you think this is how a man should be. You can do the same.

The original poster might want to think about this. If you repay kindness with resentment, how can you repay resentment?

Hello, questioner.

The thing you're describing does have a tendency towards violence. I think that when you feel aggression and violence suddenly well up inside you, you must be filled with hatred. If you don't do something to stop the other person from being physically or mentally punished, your mind may be so oppressed that you need to have the strength to break out in order to feel relief and calm down.

This intense hatred is very destructive. It's like a fight between children, where they have to use their fists to express their strength and aggression. Otherwise, they feel they have suffered a loss or been defeated.

I'm 30 and I have an older sister who is three years older than me. My parents love each other, and my dad is more deferential to my mum. I was expected to be a boy, and I grew up feeling neglected in sibling competition.

I can only imagine how unfair it must have felt for this child, who was neglected and whose parents were disappointed in their gender. It's difficult to comprehend why they treated you this way. You are a girl, and it is not your fault. You did not choose your gender. It's absurd for your parents to blame you for your gender.

On top of that, you weren't born because you wanted to be. Your parents wanted you to be born. Parents have to accept that you're a girl.

Your husband is an only child, and his parents love each other and doted on him growing up.

Your husband is very tolerant and kind to you, and I think you are also touched and grateful for his reaction. However, if you keep on being violent, he may not be able to take it anymore. So, it's important to work on improving your violent tendencies, softening aggression, and transforming it into the power of love and acceptance. If your in-laws find out that your husband is violent, I wonder what their reaction will be.

What can we do to improve this?

What can we do to improve this?

First, figure out what's going on between you and your husband and what might set you two off. I'm guessing it's something your husband said or did that upset you.

No matter what he said or did, if it made you angry, it must have hurt you. You can think about it in terms of not being respected, appreciated, or recognized, looking down on him, him doing something wrong, saying the wrong thing, belittling you, ignoring you, denying you, attacking you, criticizing and blaming you, etc.

I don't know the specifics of your situation, so I've listed as many possibilities as I can think of for your reference.

Second, once you've sorted out these contradictions and conflicts, you'll understand what your husband has hurt you with and thus the source of your emotions. Then, after feeling angry, you started to fight back, using both words and actions, so as to appear powerful.

Otherwise, if you don't speak up or take action, you might feel weak, inferior, powerless, and helpless. In other words, your verbal and physical responses are a way to protect yourself and defend yourself against the feeling that you are weak and powerless.

It's clear that you have the strength to stand up for yourself in your relationship.

Your words and actions already show this.

I'm not sure how you handled things in your original family relationships. For instance, if your parents were disappointed or neglected you, did you fight back? If so, it seems like violence was your go-to for self-protection.

There's no other way for you to protect yourself.

Take a moment to think about how you respond and deal with being hurt when you encounter injustice in other relationships.

It's important to figure out if this violent response is a regular way of coping or if it's just something that happens in the couple's relationship.

If this is just a thing in your marriage, it can get pretty complicated. You might want to take a look at some personality traits in your husband and how he might be triggering your violent tendencies.

If it's a pattern that keeps popping up in your relationships, it's time to take a good look at yourself.

Third, if you're in a violent relationship, it's also important to think about how your emotions change over time. Do you feel certain emotions all of a sudden, or

As time goes on, it will slowly increase. In this process, what impact does your husband's reaction have on your emotions?

For instance, some people get more upset when the other person doesn't respond. Others get more upset when the other person blames them.

Before things get physical or verbal, your emotions will have reached boiling point. You'll need to break out of your shell.

Fourth, in a husband-and-wife relationship, it's important to understand and accept each other, communicate well, and avoid conflict.

In the little things of life, there's no need to measure right and wrong with a ruler. It's better to be accommodating and accept the differences between people.

Be more tolerant of yourself. Inevitably, there will be times when things don't go your way. If that happens, just let it go and don't stress about it. There has to be a standard.

Of course, the relationship between husband and wife is a two-way street. It's not enough for just one person to work hard; both parties need to reach a consensus and work together to understand and accept each other.

Fifth, once you've figured out how emotions are generated and developed, and how husbands and wives interact, you'll naturally come up with ways to make adjustments.

If you can't figure it out on your own and you're not sure what these patterns mean, you can always seek counseling to help you deal with them.

Dear questioner, I am happy to answer your question. It is important to remember that violent tendencies are not acceptable. It is always a good idea to take a moment to calm your mind and adjust your emotions.

In life, people get along with each other as equals and freely. If you always want to control others, it may result in a narrowing of your social circle and feelings of loneliness. If this persists over time, it could also lead to a state of mental distress.

It may be helpful to consider adjusting your mentality, increasing your exercise, and reducing your desire for control.

One simple method that might be helpful is to tell yourself, "Don't move yet, count backwards by ten."

It is not uncommon for emotions to rise sharply and reach a peak within a relatively short period of time. Once you have weathered the initial surge, the intensity of the emotions will often begin to subside.

If you find yourself reaching a peak in your emotions, it might be helpful to remind yourself to take a moment and wait.

If you find yourself feeling angry, nervous, excited, or ashamed, it's important to take a moment to pause and count to ten in your head before speaking.

In most cases, after 10 seconds, you may find that you can start to think rationally, and you may be surprised at how you feel about your previous state and be grateful that you restrained yourself.

It would be beneficial to practice this method regularly and consciously in order to internalize it as an instinctive conditioned reflex.

Perhaps today the other person said something that made you feel a little upset. You might consider taking a moment to count to ten in your mind before responding. This could help you to respond in a more measured way.

Dear Question Asker, I am honored to answer your question. After reading your description, I understand your current situation of being troubled by how to handle problems in your intimate relationship and your fondness for violent behavior. From your description, when conflicts arise between you and your husband, you like to use violent means such as elbowing and choking to solve the problem. Your husband generally gives in to you. Do you feel that these methods completely solve the problem? Best regards, [Name]

Over the past two years of marriage, you have resorted to violence to resolve these issues. However, this has not only failed to achieve the desired outcome, but it has also led to a noticeable shift in your husband's attitude towards you. This indicates that both you and your husband have started to recognise the challenges in your intimate relationship, which is a positive indication.

Typically, a normal marriage progresses through four stages: the honeymoon period, the disillusionment period, the introspection period, and the enlightenment period. Based on your current circumstances, you have already transitioned from the disillusionment stage and are beginning to reflect on your intimate relationship. Adjusting your needs in a timely manner at this stage will enhance the quality of your married life.

From a professional standpoint, your approach to problem-solving involves the use of violent tactics, such as hitting and strangling, to resolve issues. This indicates a tendency to utilize somatic defense mechanisms to address psychological conflicts. It is important to note that this behavior may be influenced by the way you were raised by your parents, who may have encouraged a masculine style of upbringing, which could have led to a sense of identity confusion as a woman. Typically, women are more emotionally expressive and inclined to communicate their needs verbally. Men, on the other hand, are less verbally assertive and may resort to more physical means of expressing their demands.

To alter the aggressive approach to conflict resolution between spouses, it is essential first to identify with your female identity, encompassing aspects such as attire, speech patterns, and mannerisms. Once this identity is established, it is crucial to align your actions with it. You may choose a role model for an exemplary woman whose behavior and approach to problem-solving you admire. In your daily interactions, you can emulate her conduct and methods. During this process, your husband should also assume the significant responsibility of monitoring your behavior. As you begin to exhibit less frequent and intense instances of aggression, it is vital to provide him with timely recognition and praise. This will reinforce your commitment to change and instill confidence in your ability to make positive adjustments.

It should be noted that the freezing of three feet of ground requires more than one day. In the majority of cases, personality problems are the result of gradual accumulation over a long period of time. In addition to determination, patience is also needed to change these behavioral problems. If necessary, you can also request the assistance of a professional to provide you with systematic training. I am happy to have an appointment. 1983.

Hello, landlord. I saw what you said and understand how you feel. Everyone gets angry, but you have to deal with it in a way that doesn't hurt others. I hope my sharing will inspire you to do better.

Your husband is always the one being bullied. You may not intend to do this, but you still can't control yourself. We've all heard this saying: we give our good temper to strangers, but our bad temper to the people closest to us.

Your bad temper may have something to do with your family of origin. If your parents wanted a boy but you were born a girl, they may have raised you like a boy, and you may have developed some of their masculine traits over time.

Let's analyze what anger is and what its nature is.

Anger is a basic human emotion. It is characterized by its rapid outbreak and destructive power. This emotion is innate in humans, and we can see it in newborn babies. When we force a baby to do something it doesn't like, the baby will erupt and cry.

Anger has a clear psychological definition. As American psychologist Jacques Hillard states, "Anger is an unpleasant internal reaction caused by a sense of injustice and unacceptable frustration."

When we become angry about something, our body reacts with a rapid heartbeat and elevated blood pressure. Without a second thought, we may hurt someone or harm ourselves.

Verena Kast, another famous person, said, "Any form of anger implies aggression towards the surrounding environment and the world."

It is clear that when anger dominates, it is not surprising that a person would act in an extreme and impulsive manner.

When you are angry, you will use violence against your husband.

Everything has two sides, and anger is no exception.

Psychologist Ayre Gurro René said, "Listen to your anger. It can help you maintain your integrity."

Yes, when we recognize the nature of anger, we clearly understand ourselves. We can harness the power of truth to manage our anger and use it as a driving force for changing injustice, rather than letting it control us.

I'm going to give you an emotion control method.

Dr. Ronald, a renowned American expert on emotional management, asserts, "Research proves that a surge of anger typically lasts no more than 12 seconds. While it can devastate when it arises, it inevitably subsides. Mastering these 12 seconds can empower you to overcome negative emotions."

Yes, every time we lose our temper, it feels like the sky is falling and the earth is cracking. But when we calm down, we regret not being able to control our emotions at that time.

You should definitely try to control these 12 seconds of emotional outbursts. If you feel that 12 seconds is too short, then control it within 24 seconds. You will get unexpected results if you persevere.

You should also chat more with your husband and ask him to introduce you to some methods of controlling your emotions, and let him supervise your growth.

I believe these thoughts will be helpful to you.

Hello, host. It's been a while. The questions you've asked have already been answered by the teachers, and the reasons behind them have been analyzed. You've gained a lot from this. In fact, your narrative has already provided clues to your own problems. I'm going to look at this issue from several perspectives:

1) Your parents have certain expectations for you because they already have a daughter. In general, girls are seen as the warm, little, cotton-padded jackets by their parents' sides. As long as you are obedient, gentle, and take care of your parents' feelings, they will pamper you like a domesticated little flower. However, your parents' expectation for you to be a boy from an early age may have planted a preconception of self-concept in your young mind. You unconsciously expect to become a boyish style of dealing with things and have a sense of gender substitution. You think you have to be better than others in some ways. Coupled with the subtle difference in treatment, your parents may love you less than your sister, which causes your self-esteem to be relatively strong and your style of dealing with things to be hard. In fact, you deeply desire to receive that kind of tender and caring love because you are a girl.

2) You desire unconditional love and attention, you feel you have been treated unjustly, and you want to avoid anxiety. When you demand love from those closest to you, you may also engage in violent behavior. You saw your husband's behavior as a reflection of how your sister was treated when you were young, and you felt jealous. This is subconsciously suppressed anger. When you were young, you suppressed your anger and never rebelled against your parents. Now your husband is the target of your emotions. You have an inner need to be unconditionally noticed. Your parents' attitude towards you and the experience of being neglected among your siblings may have made you think that the other person must unconditionally pay attention to and accept you. You have never felt this way at home or in society, so you can say that it is a kind of compensation. You are lucky that your husband comes from a peaceful and happy family, which has taught him to be humble and not fight back. This allows you to satisfy this unhealthy feeling of being loved, accepted, and indulged. In addition, excessive anxiety can also make you act in an immature way, like a child. You choose to escape rather than communicate and solve the problem to prevent this anxiety from spreading through you.

3) Let's talk about your family again. Your father has been deferential to your mother, and I'm sure your father has also given and endured a lot. You have been socialized to believe that men should be stoic from an early age, which has led you to unconsciously think that men should be deferential to women. This is a deeply rooted view that you need to challenge. You have definitely let yourself be the first to act, and you think that your husband should be tolerant of you. However, a moderate amount of scolding can also enhance the relationship, and you can still be sweet as ever after a scolding. However, you should seek help and reflect on yourself when you feel that the line has been crossed and it affects the real relationship.

I hope these views will be of some help to you. Finally, I wish you a happy life, a peaceful state of mind, and a harmonious family.

Hello!

The landlord's situation is similar to mine.

I'm the second child of two sisters. My parents expected me to be a boy, but I have a short temper and don't like to express my feelings.

My husband is an only child and he puts up with my bad temper. I also used to be violent towards him, but I've changed.

I will share my experience below.

My temperament is due to my original family.

My parents were more demanding of my brother and more relaxed with me.

He is an introvert who doesn't express his thoughts. When things don't go his way,

He was emotional, cried, and threw things. He hit his sister when he was young.

He got along with his classmates at school.

Later, in the first few years of marriage, I threw things and broke the floor because of a conflict.

My husband was angry, but he never hit me.

Like the current poster, who is worried about the future and knows her problems.

I also congratulate the host for noticing his problem.

This is my problem, not my husband's.

The host needs to be aware of her own issues.

The hostess came to seek a solution, not her husband.

It's hard to solve problems if your husband is the one looking for a solution.

Then correct it.

Leave the scene, take a deep breath.

When you're angry, leave the scene and find a place to shout.

Breathe deeply and calm down.

Thinking about her husband's good points makes her feel guilty.

She wants to change because her husband is patient with her because he loves her.

His patience should not be tested further. The husband also said that he could not stand such a wife.

If this keeps up, are you afraid your husband will leave you?

Feelings are mutual. You respect me a little, and I let you a little, so you can be a strong couple.

If the host isn't strong in their own awareness, all the methods and theories in the world are useless.

I'm glad the host noticed this before it got serious.

The host will find better ways to adjust.

I wish the host a happy life!

I'm Warm June, and I love you!

Hello, dear original poster!

From what you've told me, it seems like you're someone who struggles to control your emotions. It also seems like you've been using violent means to solve problems in your marriage. It seems like your husband has always been very patient with you, which might make people think that your husband dotes on you. But this also shows another side of the story. It shows that your husband hasn't given you the chance to grow. Endlessly tolerating you hasn't allowed you to improve your emotions. So now that you're aware of the problem, it's also the beginning of growth.

From what I can see, you two don't tend to take the initiative to solve problems or conflicts when they arise. Instead, you both tend to react with "violent emotions," and your husband with "active withdrawal." This pattern might not be the best for your marriage, as it might prevent you from growing together. Marriage is a responsibility, and emotions can sometimes get in the way. When you encounter problems or conflicts, we can try to solve them in a different way. Have you ever thought about using communication to have in-depth face-to-face exchanges with your husband? Perhaps not, because you are consumed by emotions, and your husband's withdrawal is the reason for your worsening behavior.

Your violence and emotionality may have been brought about by your family of origin. It's so sad when we're brought up in families where we learn that we should tolerate others' behaviour towards us. Perhaps in our minds, it is happy for a husband to love himself, but this indulgent affection is actually disrespectful behaviour towards both parties. Have you ever thought that these actions of yours may be a heart-cooling behaviour towards your partner? Perhaps over time, he can't stand it anymore and leaves. It's so sad when we can't express our emotions and our loved ones leave us.

Maybe you think, "My husband will never turn his back on me because he loves me." And maybe your husband thinks, "No matter how hard you hit me, I will never hit you back because you are my wife."

I know this may seem like no big deal, but it's actually the reason why your relationship can't grow and your personality can't flourish. Now that you're aware of the problem, you're ready to embark on a journey of growth and seek professional counseling. I truly believe this will be a beneficial step for you and your husband. With the guidance of a counselor, you'll gain a deeper understanding of yourself, your needs, and your partner's needs. This will help you find positive ways to improve the quality of your marriage.

I really hope my answer is useful to you. I love you so much, and so does the world.

Dear questioner, From reading your question, it is clear that you often struggle to control your emotions when dealing with your spouse. When you get angry, you may resort to some minor violence. Your husband is also relatively tolerant and accommodating towards you. Although he is often angry, he always refrains from hitting you. You also believe that your husband is doing a very good job. However, you are aware that if you continue behaving like this, although your relationship is currently good, there is no guarantee that your husband will always be accommodating and tolerant in the future. After all, your husband has also told you that your behaviour is indeed very bad and unacceptable.

Your family background shows you have a good relationship. You just need to find the right way to get along with your spouse.

It is difficult to adjust when you are angry or have negative emotions.

I advise you to do the following regarding the issues you have raised:

1. From a physical perspective, it is important to note that women's endocrine systems can be unstable, which can cause mood swings. This is especially true during menstruation, when many women become irritable. It is therefore essential to consider going to the hospital for relevant tests, or seeing a traditional Chinese medicine practitioner. If you can regulate your body, it is recommended that you do so first and foremost.

2. If there is nothing physically wrong, we must focus on the psychological aspect. Is your tendency to get angry and lose your temper a constant one?

If you have always been like this since childhood, it is likely due to the influence of family relationships when you were young. This has led to your inability to handle intimate relationships well.

We must first learn to express ourselves and our emotions. If we can do so without resorting to violence, we must choose other methods.

3. Handling relationships with loved ones. When problems arise, we take control of our emotions and work through them.

If we are in a bad mood, we avoid communication and distract ourselves. We listen to music, watch TV, exercise, etc. to relieve our emotions. Once our emotions have stabilized, we communicate with our husbands to solve problems.

4. When communicating with your husband, if you suddenly trigger an emotional point in yourself, you must try not to hurt the other person. You can vent, even if you swear or throw things (avoid hard objects and glass products that can hurt others). You must give yourself some psychological hints: don't hurt the people around you who love you, and don't do things that hurt them. Hinting at yourself a few times can prompt you to control your behavior.

5. If you cannot control your bad behaviors well, you should seek help from a psychological counselor. With the help of a professional teacher, you can improve your behavior and psychological state.

I am confident that the above content will help you. You want to improve yourself, and you will do it through your own efforts.

The world and I love you. Believe in yourself.

Hello.

Host:

I am Zeng Chen, a mindfulness coach. I have read the post carefully, and I understand that you, the poster, are unable to control your emotions.

The poster has also shown great courage in expressing his distress and seeking help on the platform. This will undoubtedly help him gain a deeper understanding of himself and identify the underlying needs behind his emotions, enabling him to make necessary adjustments.

Next, I will share my observations and thoughts in the post, which will help you view yourself from a more diverse perspective.

1. Think about other ways to solve problems besides using violence.

The poster stated that her husband provided more emotional value during their two years of marriage. Upon reflection, I realize that I resorted to violence to solve problems in the past two years of married life, resulting in him being "battered" and me pinching, punching, and elbowing him. This information clearly indicates that the poster is more prone to using actions and violence to solve problems.

Let's think together now. We need to find other ways of dealing with problems, especially when we have strong emotional reactions.

This way of thinking will help us understand ourselves better. Many people fail to learn and practice other ways of dealing with emotions. As a result, they only use action and violence as a way to solve problems.

That is why they keep using it.

2. You need to explore why you are the way you are.

Our current appearance is shaped by a combination of factors. We can and should think about why we are the way we are.

We must ask ourselves: why do we use such methods to deal with our emotions? And where did we learn them?

We can do this.

We must look back at our own upbringing and identify where we learned to deal with our emotions in this way. We must ask ourselves why we cannot express our feelings.

We must ask ourselves what kind of experience has led us to this. In the original post, the author stated that he expected me to be a boy and that he had been neglected in sibling competition since childhood.

This is relevant. There is competition, and competition involves a question of strength and weakness. We are trying to prove something through our actions and violence.

We must ask ourselves: what benefit do we get from doing this to ourselves? Exploring these questions will lead to a better understanding of ourselves.

And after that, we will have more thoughts when we adjust.

3. Identify the underlying needs that drive your emotions.

Emotions are a bridge to understanding ourselves. We can use emotions to explore our needs and touch our inner feelings. In our daily lives, we should ask ourselves what kind of emotions we are feeling and name our emotions.

You should also explore why you have these emotions.

I want to know what kind of unmet needs are causing these emotions. I also want to know what my emotions are trying to tell me.

Through such exploration, you will find your own needs. It may be difficult at first, but if you put in the effort, you will succeed.

Once you realize you've lost control of your emotions, or that you even have emotions,

Take the time to write down your feelings and name your emotions. This will help you understand why you have such emotional reactions. Writing is an effective way to express your emotions and relieve them.

Writing also helps us improve our self-awareness and perception. The more we do this kind of exercise, the more sensitive we become to ourselves.

We can also get along better with our emotions.

4. Learning and improving

Problem solving. It is widely acknowledged that high-dimensional problems are solved by low-dimensional ones. Therefore, if the host wants to solve this problem for himself, he must learn to improve his thinking dimension.

You must learn and improve yourself, increase your own knowledge, enhance your own understanding and awareness of yourself. You must also learn how to get along with your emotions and see other possibilities for dealing with them.

This is the only way we can reasonably express our emotions. If the original poster has the conditions, they should learn about psychology, examine their early upbringing environment, and separate from their original family. They must also learn to express their emotions reasonably.

I am certain that these will be of great help to you.

I am confident that these will be of some help and inspiration to you.

Hello, I'm Du Xi.

Your story evokes a deep sense of pain, self-blame, and anxiety. I know you have tried your best, and you are aware that if things continue as they are, the future will be even more challenging.

Let's talk about what happened and how to deal with it. What I'm about to say is just my opinion, but it's something you should think about for yourself to see if it helps.

Recall what causes your emotions to flare up when you're in conflict. What were your feelings at the time?

Humans have an emotional switch. Every incident, no matter how big or small, can trigger a feeling that you can't control.

For example, when I was young in kindergarten, I was robbed of my handkerchief by another little boy, and it was torn during the fight. At that time, I was especially sad and heartbroken, and there were no children or teachers around to comfort me. The little boy looked impatient because of my crying and covered his ears and hid on the side.

At that time, I felt a lot of pain, loneliness, anger, and helplessness inside, and these negative emotions were deeply imprinted in my subconscious. After I became an adult, in my relationship with my lover, whenever he ignored my pain and didn't pay any attention to me, I didn't know where this sadness and anger came from. I would hold him back and lose my temper, my emotions being infinitely magnified.

Afterwards, I was determined to understand why I felt that way. Later, I tried to remember when I first felt that way, and I remembered the incident in kindergarten. After I figured it out, I was able to consciously control myself, and the painful emotions gradually subsided.

I know my feelings don't come from the present; they come from my childhood self.

I advise you to recall when you felt out of control and what you felt and experienced when you were young and had that feeling for the first time.

Comfort that little girl inside you and tell her you are no longer afraid. You have grown up and are capable of solving that problem. If you feel emotional in the future, tell yourself that your current emotions come from the past and you are angry with that person, not your husband. You will calm down and be able to control your emotions.

"My parents expected me to be a boy, and I was neglected in sibling rivalry."

You feel that your parents are biased and you have been neglected since childhood. You long for the love of your parents and someone to care about you. Your subconscious mind has transferred this need inside you to your husband. You expect your husband to compensate for the love you lacked as a child. If you feel that he is not giving you enough, your emotions will become increasingly irritable.

You can't control your parents, but you think you can control your husband. If he doesn't do a good job, you'll use your emotions to control him. This way, you get his attention and make him love you.

But this way, you are also causing him pain because he doesn't know what you need and how he can help you. You are pushing him further and further away.

My husband is an only child. His parents love each other, and the whole family doted on him as he grew up.

Your husband's childhood should have been happy, and his personality is quite good. You want a family like his, and you envy your husband.

At the same time, there is also some subconscious jealousy. You wonder if you had been born a boy, you would have received your parents' love, and you feel that it is unfair that girls are neglected. This is undoubtedly the case.

You use domestic violence to release your emotions, and you are dominated by your emotions in your life. It's clear that no one taught you how to solve problems when you were young. When you can't solve the problems you face, you have no choice but to protect yourself in this way.

You've now realized that this approach doesn't solve the problem. It only hurts you and the people you love most. In fact, you should be grateful to your husband. His refusal to fight back has prevented you from getting more seriously hurt.

He also used silence and avoidance to avoid dealing with the problem, which led you to become more and more deeply involved. He has a bottom line of "never hitting you," but you need to decide what your bottom line is.

You need to think about this. No matter how much you love someone, you can't stand prolonged depletion. You need to decide how much longer you can continue to deplete yourself.

Dear questioner, The little girl in you has always lived inside you, and she didn't grow up with you. It's time for you to reconcile with her, teach her to let go of the unpleasant things from her childhood, and forgive her parents.

You must learn to love yourself, not just see the bad things, but also the love that others have for you. Open your heart so that the sunshine can shine in.

Hello. I am a heart coach. I will listen to you with warmth and sincerity.

Your words make me sad, so I'm going to give you a warm hug.

The couple has a very close relationship, and you affirm that your partner provides you with a lot of emotional value in your marriage. However, in intimate relationships, you tend to take extreme measures in dealing with your emotions and conflicts with your partner, resorting to violence and "domestic violence" against your partner.

This makes you feel remorseful for hurting your husband and your relationship. It also makes you feel helpless, as though you want to change but keep repeating these habits.

We must ask ourselves: why is this happening? And how can it be changed? Let's take a look:

Everyone has their own inherent patterns, and they bring these patterns into their various relationships.

"Six people are lying in your marriage bed." Marriage is a problem for two people and two families.

Marriage is the formation of a new family by selecting one representative from each of the two families. It is therefore inevitable that the patterns of the respective original families will be brought into the marriage.

Everyone has their own inherent patterns, and they bring these patterns into their various relationships. First and foremost, we see and learn from our own families and parents.

For example, the patterns of each parent and the way they interact in their marriage will undoubtedly influence our future marriage and family.

As you said, your parents were affectionate, but your father was more deferential to your mother. This pattern of interaction between your parents has undoubtedly influenced you.

Recall how your mother handled conflicts with your father and how your father responded to her.

I want to know how the mother felt after her father's response.

We often imitate our parents, including in terms of values, beliefs, and behavior patterns, because we are loyal to them and love them.

2. There is right and wrong in behavior, and the motivation behind the behavior is right.

Dealing with marital conflicts means resorting to violent means to resolve them. There's no question that hitting and being violent with your partner is wrong. It hurts both the person and the relationship.

However, you can definitely find positive motives behind such behavior. For example, you want to make yourself happy and comfortable.

Every time you argue, you feel angry, aggrieved, and resentful. You don't want to feel these emotions. You want to live a carefree and happy life.

Or, you hope that the other person can see you, understand you, care for you, and value you. You are unable to express yourself, and yet you long to have these needs met.

Every emotion is driven by an unmet need. You said your parents expected a boy and neglected you as a result.

Unfulfilled expectations from childhood become "unfinished expectations" (unfinished events). The subconscious mind has hidden them away, but they will resurface when a similar situation arises.

Take a moment to reflect on the events and situations in your relationship with your partner that make you lose your temper and lose control.

Don't be afraid of your emotions. Spend some time with them, stay in your emotions, and feel them deeply. Feel the depth of the emotion, such as anger—deep anger, or grievance—deep grievance.

Emotions are a gift. Accept them, or they will keep calling you like a delivery man until you do.

3. If you don't heal it, it will be passed on to your children.

From your words, I can see that you have already identified your own patterns: behavioral, emotional, and thinking patterns.

Seeing is the beginning of change, and you have the right to choose.

You have an emotional foundation, and after each emotional outburst, you regret it. You can and should communicate more with your partner and express your feelings directly (you are also in pain, you just can't control it and don't know how to change it) and your views (you love him, but you have uncontrollable behavior and don't know how to express/discharge your emotions).

Listen to his views and feelings. You need to understand and accept his help if you want to grow and change.

It is crucial that you communicate with each other.

Our family of origin affects us, but we can't blame our parents for all our problems. As adults, we can achieve healing through learning, self-healing, professional psychological counseling, and other techniques.

Read books such as "Beyond the Original Family" and "Falling in Love with a Double Dance." Find a professional counselor on the platform or in your place of residence for professional counseling. This will help you achieve healing quickly.

I am confident that the above will be helpful to you, and that you will have a wonderful love and happy marriage. The world and I love you.

If you want to continue communicating, click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom. I will communicate and grow with you one-on-one.