Why do couples argue every day? Even when it's my birthday, we argue.

Good day, question asker. I can see the confusion you are facing now. Please accept my best regards.

Please be aware that the issues you are currently facing are related to your family. I would like to offer you my support in the form of a warm embrace.

At times, the root cause of conflict is the use of the word "you."

I recall that in the past, whenever my husband inquired about my behavior, I would invariably engage in a dispute with him because I felt compelled to justify my actions.

Failing to empathize with the other party's perspective can lead to conflict.

In the event of an upcoming dispute with your spouse, it would be more productive to phrase your concerns as a request for assistance rather than a criticism.

I recommend reading the book "Nonviolent Communication" if you feel it would be beneficial.

Additionally, you may find it beneficial to view the videos recorded by Mr. Sun Quanhang during the Chinese New Year. These videos address the dynamics of couples and communication patterns.

Should you feel that there is no way to change the other person and you feel negative emotions, you may wish to take a moment to yourself to deal with your emotions. This could involve leaving the room or taking some time to calm down in a way that is comfortable for you.

It is advisable to avoid being in the same room as your partner when you are angry, as it is common to say things you may regret.

Should the need arise, I would also encourage you and your partner to consider marital counseling.

Naturally, this is contingent upon the other party's consent.

When faced with a potential conflict, it is often helpful to take a moment to step back and consider the situation from a broader perspective.

I hope that the issue you are currently experiencing can be resolved as soon as possible.

I have nothing further to add at this time.

I hope my above response is helpful and inspiring to you. As the respondent, I am committed to studying hard every day.

At Yixinli, we extend our best wishes to you and the world.

Hello, question asker! You ask, "Why do you two argue every day, even on your birthday?"

First of all, I want to give you a pat on the back for thinking about how your relationship is developing. This is a great way to learn and grow. Now let's dive into your question.

You say you've had a lot of arguments throughout the day, even though it's your birthday. You still feel uncomfortable.

You argue about everything, which makes communication between you very difficult. You often feel that no matter how hard you try to explain things, your partner just won't understand.

For instance, you might be reminded that there are mice in the house, and you remember to close the living room door before going out. However, you always occasionally forget to close it or close it properly. Because you are very afraid of mice, but after being reminded, you still forget again and again. This has led to countless arguments about this.

Another example is when the community posts a material that needs to be collected with some materials. You relayed the group's notification requirements and started arguing about whether you have to have the materials.

When he's only taken a part of the materials in the notice and successfully completed them, he'll tell you at the first chance he gets that it's lucky he didn't listen to you. You'll probably say something like, "You're just repeating what the group says, and someone else also asked and got the answer that it's required. Maybe it's actually another matter in reality." The other person will then say that some people can't prove that they meet the requirements based on this material, and it's impossible to provide it in reality.

You two started arguing again over this, and even before the birthday dinner, you still stayed in separate rooms. To be honest, this is not the kind of birthday I've ever had.

After reading your question, I could relate to your inner confusion, helplessness, and anger, and I'd like to share my views.

The famous psychologist Adler said, "The principle of subject separation."

I think the Adler principle could be useful for you in your relationship. For example, in the matter of asking him to close the door, you can decide whether or not to mention it, but it's up to him whether or not to do it.

Since you've already mentioned it, just give him the task and let him handle it. If he doesn't do it, you can remind him to do it. If you remind him and he still doesn't do it, you can take care of it yourself.

You said you were afraid of mice, but your husband didn't mention it. So, it's up to you to close the door before going to bed. You should take care of your own needs, so why wait for someone else to do it? Even if he doesn't do it, you've already said it's his business. Let him figure out how to clean up after himself.

There's a communication formula: facts, feelings, needs.

This formula can be used in many different situations. For example, just above, your husband is celebrating your birthday and you two are arguing again.

Start by describing the facts: today is your birthday, and your husband is celebrating it with you. After this day is over, you and he will have spent another year together. Feelings: You're happy to see the birthday cake your husband bought for you. You feel his care and concern for you, as well as the importance he attaches to your birthday. You feel very happy.

You hope your husband can be with you today, and that if you mess up, he'll forgive you and not hold it against you. You also hope you can spend a happy and unforgettable birthday together. You don't have to use my exact words, but that's the general idea. You can organize the language yourself.

Best wishes, and I hope my answer is helpful. The world and I love you!

Hello, landlord. I can hear you saying that you argue about big and small things all the time, and communication between the two of you is very difficult. It is obvious that you are tired of arguing and that it has affected your emotions-and-your-relationship-with-her-gradually-becomes-distant-what-should-you-do-25517.html" target="_blank">relationship as a couple. You haven't even been able to enjoy your birthday together, and you must feel uncomfortable. This is the case for many couples. What they argue about is not the issue. The issue is whether you care about how I feel, whether I feel like you have any weight in your heart for me, and whether you understand my needs.

Some couples attack each other with arguments, which makes things worse. They become colder and colder and drift further apart. Other couples use arguments to understand each other better. They hear the inner cries of the other party, see the other party's needs, and empathize with each other. This makes the relationship closer and the two people more intimate.

I am certain that the host wants to choose one.

You can calm down and sort things out alone.

1. Think back slowly. How did the argument start? Accept your emotions, no matter what they are.

2. Once you've identified the source of the argument, decide if there's a better solution than arguing.

3. What conversations during the process of reflection left the deepest impression on you? Your own, the other person's—it doesn't matter how many, just one or two will do.

4. When you're angry, one word can make you or the other person fly into a rage. If you can be aware of your emotions, take a moment to pause, and recognize that they're influencing you, you can respond in a more evasive way.

5. Find a different way to express your emotion.

6. Take a moment to understand the other person's emotions. Don't be swept away by them.

When you feel your emotions calm down, arguments will be fewer.

You've got this!

Hello! It seems that you and your husband often find yourselves in disagreement.

Today is your birthday, and you had a disagreement, so you didn't resolve it before the birthday dinner. I can imagine how you're feeling. Let me give you a warm hug to help you feel better!

Perhaps it would be helpful to try to sort out the problem.

You mention that you and your husband engage in frequent discussions, both major and minor, which have led you to perceive communication between you as challenging. It appears that in your marriage, you have developed a pattern of communicating through arguments.

You have mentioned that you often feel that, no matter how hard you try to explain yourself, your partner just doesn't seem to understand. It seems that you feel similarly about your husband.

It appears that your objective in these discussions is to gain your partner's understanding. However, despite your best efforts, you haven't been able to achieve this. This has led to a situation where the more you try to explain, the more frustrated you become.

You mentioned that the mice have entered the house and that you have had many discussions about it, but the issue still remains unresolved. It seems that, in your marriage, communicating through arguing has not been effective in finding a solution. However, you have expressed a desire to continue this approach.

Let's take a closer look at the root of the problem.

In a marriage, communication has two goals: bonding and problem solving. It seems, however, that in your marriage, every communication may not be as effective as it could be.

It seems that you may benefit from focusing on emotional connection in your communication. Currently, your tendency to make each other defensive may be preventing you from connecting with each other emotionally.

While wishes are certainly a natural part of communication, expressing them in a way that demands of the other person from your own position without empathy, respect, or tolerance may not fully connect with their feelings.

Regarding the matter of collecting materials from the community, it seems that there is still a difference of opinion about who is right and who is wrong, even though the materials have been collected. It may be helpful to consider that finding solutions to problems is more important than determining who is right and who is wrong, and that there is value in finding a way to come together and move forward.

You say that it is very difficult for two people to communicate. I believe that if you don't consider the goal, you might not choose the most effective method. If you feel that you are communicating, it is actually a kind of miscommunication. I can understand how this kind of communication might be difficult.

Perhaps it would be helpful to find a solution.

Despite the challenges you're facing in your marriage, it seems that there are no significant underlying issues. The main difficulty seems to be that neither of you is particularly skilled at communicating with each other, and the accumulation of conflicts over time has only made things more complex. I would therefore suggest a few key points for communication:

It would be wise to avoid the trap of emotional blackmail. When one or both parties become emotionally blackmailed, communication can become inaccurate and unstable, potentially leading to new conflicts and obstacles that might affect the efficiency of communication.

Point 2: Be tolerant and accepting. It is important to remember that there is no absolute right or wrong in household matters. It is beneficial to try to understand the other person and consider things from their perspective.

It is important to remember that home is not a place for winners and losers. Empathy based on reason is often a more effective approach for achieving communication goals and obtaining results that are agreeable to both parties.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to try to solve problems as they arise. This means thinking ahead and taking responsibility when difficulties arise in the family.

It would also be helpful to take the initiative to take responsibility after a problem arises and find a solution as soon as possible. This could help to avoid blaming each other and reduce arguments.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the following:

It's worth noting that arguments often begin with seemingly minor issues. However, if these arguments become a regular occurrence and are allowed to fester, they can gradually erode the foundation of a relationship. This birthday, for instance, was marked by a disagreement, which is likely to leave both you and your husband with a sense of unease. If you're open to exploring solutions, seeking guidance from a marriage and emotional expert or a psychological counselor might prove beneficial. These professionals can offer a fresh perspective and help you identify ways to strengthen your relationship.

My name is Teng Ying, and I'm a psychological counselor at Yixinli. I hope that you find this information helpful.

Hello, dear questioner. It seems that you are facing a challenging situation and are unsure of how to move forward. It's understandable to feel distressed and unable to change the daily arguing and fighting with your husband.

I hope you'll allow me to give you a hug and tell you a story. I truly hope it will inspire you in some way.

Once upon a time, two old men carrying loads on their shoulders walked towards each other on a path that was only wide enough for one person.

Old Man A politely suggested, "My load is quite heavy, so I wonder if I might be allowed to go first."

Old Man B said, "I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I should give way. I have a heavy load to carry, and I'm not sure I want to go into the field either."

The two men remained where they were, neither of them willing to yield to the other.

Then a young man came along and kindly offered to go into the field, suggesting to Old Man A that he could take on the burden and let him go first.

Upon seeing someone carrying a load, the first old man graciously stepped aside to let the second old man proceed.

If you both behave like the two old men in the story, neither giving way to the other, then it may be challenging to find a solution to the problem. It might be helpful for one of you to take the initiative to "go into the field," so that the way is clear.

It is worth considering that sometimes, arguments may arise when at least one party feels their needs are not being met. This can lead to feelings of frustration, which may be expressed in a way that seems extreme to others. It is possible that the other party may not fully understand the underlying needs that are being sought, and this can result in a stalemate.

Perhaps it would be helpful to express your needs and anger in a reasonable way.

In your description, you mentioned that you are very afraid of mice, so you hope that your partner will remember to close the living room door every time they go out. However, after repeated reminders, your partner still often forgets, and you have had many arguments over this. You are afraid of mice, so you hope that your partner will take care of your feelings and remember to close the door.

It seems that the other person did not achieve a perfect score, which may have led you to feel that he did not value you as much as you would have liked and did not care about your feelings. This may have caused you to become angry, which in turn led to a heated argument.

It might be helpful to consider whether expressing your anger could be beneficial. It's important to remember that there is no such thing as a good or bad emotion, and there is no need to suppress your emotions.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider expressing our anger in a more gentle way. For example, when you are angry, you could take a moment to walk away and then, when your emotions have calmed down, you could talk to the other person about his behavior and your feelings, as well as what you hope he will do in the future.

When everyone expresses themselves calmly, they can listen better, and our needs and anger can be seen more easily by the other person.

Perhaps it would be helpful to find someone who can share the burden with you.

From what I can gather from the description, it seems that the other person is not completely unconcerned about your feelings. From what I understand about the matter of closing the door, it seems that he still closes the door, but not every time.

In other words, you may have expectations of the other person that are not fully met, and their answers may not always align with your expectations. They may have tried their best, but still not achieve the desired outcome. How do you navigate these situations? If we always expect the other person to achieve full marks, we may find ourselves in a similar position to the two old men at the beginning of the story.

It would be beneficial to find someone who can help us "share the burden" and assist in making up for the other person's shortcomings. For instance, if we rely solely on the other person's self-discipline, there is a possibility that they may forget to close the door or not close it properly.

Since people may not always be reliable, could we perhaps consider other solutions to this problem? One option might be to install an automatic door that closes automatically when someone leaves, or to install an alarm that automatically sounds an alarm when the door is not closed or not closed properly.

If we use our collective intelligence, we will undoubtedly find solutions that outnumber the problems we face. We can also rely on others to help us shoulder our burdens.

I hope these suggestions are helpful.

Hello, my friend. I can already tell from your words that you're feeling pretty agitated, upset, and helpless, and don't know how to solve the problem. I can also understand how you feel.

Your marriage is like two children fighting, constantly arguing over minor issues. But if you really were as naive as children, it would be fine. As two adults who "love face and hold grudges," so many arguments will not make you feel happy and relaxed.

Instead, people will slowly feel tired and sad. When we're not feeling calm, it's easy to focus on the other person's bad points and forget all the good things about them.

Let's dive in and explore these together, shall we?

1. You say you always argue, but have you ever taken a moment to reflect on yourself? Or have you ever thought about what might be going on and what you could do to improve things? Arguments are just a superficial phenomenon, not the fundamental problem.

2. Apart from accusations and suppression, is there any deep communication in your lives? It would be so great if you two could calm down and discuss problems together!

3. Do you ever feel insecure inside, afraid that your partner will catch your flaws and affect your image in the marriage? We all feel insecure sometimes! It's totally normal.

4. You want your partner to love you, be tolerant of you, and be considerate of you. Have you loved him and been considerate of him in the same way? There's a great saying that I think you'll really relate to: to receive love from others, you must love others with the same love.

I'm here to help!

I'm sure you'll agree that there are many challenges in marriage that require us to work together.

Although nothing major has happened in your marriage, the constant minor problems and arguments have almost completely worn down your relationship. This kind of attrition is really bad for you and your marriage, but you are a very smart woman who knows how to work hard, which is already very good.

I've got a few suggestions for you, my friend.

1. It's always a good idea to distract yourself. Try not to focus all your energy on trivial matters. Go study, listen to music, or do something else that makes you happy!

Second, try to be more tolerant of others. We're all imperfect, and we all have our own unique set of challenges and strengths. Take the time to understand what makes other people tick — their feelings, their work, their stress levels. If you want to be understood, you've got to be willing to understand others too!

3. Arguments are divided into positive and negative. It's so important to actively discover the core values and needs of the argument in order to make it worthwhile.

4. Arguments will drive you further apart, your relationship will grow weaker, your sex life will become less frequent, and you will eventually fall apart as a couple. So don't be so dominant. Women are like water: they are tolerant and forgiving.

I really hope these suggestions will be helpful for you and make a difference to your happy life! Warm regards, Your counselor, Liu Qi

Hello, I'm Xin Tan. I'm Coach Fei Yun.

I understand how exhausting it is when you and your partner don't understand each other. Every argument seems to be about nothing, as if you're on different wavelengths.

This is normal. Every family is different. Some couples settle in quickly, while others need time.

"If words don't go well together, why do two people who love each other hurt each other when they live together?" Let's look at the problems that trouble you and the solutions:

Men and women are born different.

Men and women are from different planets. They are different because of their bodies and other factors.

Some jobs are for men, some for women.

In real life, women like to vent to their girlfriends and go shopping, while men go drinking with their buddies. Women can multitask, while men focus on one thing. Women pay attention to emotions, while men pay attention to the matter itself.

Search online for "the differences between men and women." When we know that men and women are born different, we will think from the other person's perspective.

? 2. Why can't we talk to each other?

If people are "incompatible," what else can they be compatible with?

People often think too much and feel too little.

Think back to every argument you've had. Did you both want to win? Did you focus on being right?

Is it not a matter of "you versus me" when it comes to listening or doing?

If you win but lose the relationship, what's the point?

If one person says the other is hard to talk to, it means they're hard to talk to too. Communication is a two-way street.

Marriage is like "Falling in Love with Double Dance." A two-way love will lead to a happy marriage. You will be more humble, tolerant, and generous, and I will be more respectful, trusting, and understanding. You will achieve more than you would separately.

Two people were originally independent. After combining, they still have independent parts. This requires both parties to see more of each other's strengths and not look at each other's weaknesses. Both parties have a common goal: to manage the family and marriage with all one's heart and reap the shared happiness.

The above recommendations include two books and a movie, "Firefighters," which has saved many marriages. I would also like to share with you the methods and steps of effective communication.

Listen to each other.

Don't judge or complain. It will damage the relationship.

Express your emotions. When love flows, people and things will follow.

3) Meet each other's needs.

If you don't meet someone's emotional needs, they'll get angry.

4) Build trust and work together to find solutions.

For example, you can make a pact, count to three when you feel yourself getting emotional, and set aside 30 minutes every day for intimate communication.

Compliments are amazing. If you do it consistently, intimacy will grow. Throw out some ideas, and more tips are waiting for you to discuss at family meetings. If your children are old enough, they can be invited to participate.

I hope this helps. I love you.

To continue the conversation, click "Find a coach" in the top right or bottom. I will communicate and grow with you one-on-one.