Why do I believe the accusations of others when they say I am at fault?

Hello, classmate. I see the confusion you are facing now, and I'm here to help.

You are experiencing some interpersonal problems. Allow me to give you a warm hug again.

I am sure that the following situation applies to you.

Tell me the situation.

It is likely that in your family of origin, during your upbringing, whenever you did not do well in an exam or test, your parents would look for the reason in you and say it was because of you.

You fail to consider other reasons, such as the fact that the teacher set a much more difficult test than usual.

If you grew up in such a family, you will feel that it is all your fault and that you are not good enough.

You are an adult now. You have your own thoughts and ideas.

You are not the young you from before, without enough strength to protect yourself.

Take one of Shi Jijia's courses on "Healing the Inner Child" if you need to.

Think about it. Is there really nothing good about you?

I was like you, my fellow student. I used to be easily influenced by negative comments from others.

After studying psychology on my own for two years, I knew I wasn't as bad as I thought.

Some people just like to stir up trouble.

That's their business, and I'm not getting involved.

I can either reflect on what I haven't done well enough and change it if I need to, or use their negative comments as a reference and not take them too seriously.

Seek help from the school-based psychological teacher if you are still confused.

The school counselor will provide her services free of charge.

If there is no school psychologist, you can turn to the professional counselors on the platform.

Students get 50% off on the platform. Just fill out a form and submit proof of enrollment.

You will find an effective solution to the problem you are facing as soon as possible.

These are the only things I can think of.

My answers above will undoubtedly be helpful and inspiring to you. I am the answer, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, we love you and the world loves you too. Best wishes!

Hello there!

I'm a heart exploration coach, and I believe that learning is the treasure of the body.

From what you've told me, I can see that you're struggling with some inner doubts, confusion, anger, grievances, pain, and a sense of being at a loss.

I'm not going to get into all the nitty-gritty of the challenges you're facing because you place a lot of trust in others. I'd love to help you understand why that is, so you can make the best decisions for yourself.

It's totally normal to believe in other people's accusations against you. We all have insecurities, and conflicts with others can be scary. Our childhood experiences might also play a role in how we handle accusations.

We were taught from an early age to be polite and get along with others, which is a great thing! But sometimes, if someone accuses us, we might feel like we're in the wrong and reflect on it, apologize, and do our best not to get into conflict with the other person.

Second, your belief in other people's accusations may also be related to your childhood experiences.

Maybe you grew up in a family where your family members, especially your parents, gave you more constructive feedback than praise. It's understandable that you wanted to show them you were a good boy to get their attention and love. We all want that! But it's also possible that you were a bit too quick to agree with their criticisms and accusations.

And you know what? I think the way you dealt with other people's accusations back then has stuck with you. You've grown up, but you still use that same coping model. You're prone to agreeing with other people's accusations and criticisms of you.

Third, it seems like you trust other people more than you trust yourself. It might be that you don't have a lot of self-confidence yet.

It's also worth noting that your childhood experiences might have played a role in this. We all have those moments when we feel like we're not quite good enough, right? And it's often because of the messages we received as kids, like "you did it wrong," "you're not good enough," and "you can't do it." So, when you're faced with criticism, it's only natural to wonder if you're not good enough.

Fourth, you believe in the accusations of others against you. It's totally understandable! We all worry about maintaining a harmonious relationship with others sometimes. It's natural to be concerned that the other person will leave you.

I can see how you might feel this way. It's natural to worry about your roommate not wanting to share the flat with you. It's also understandable to be concerned about finding someone else to share with if she leaves. It's a tough situation when you're worried about not having anyone to share with. I can see why you apologized to her and paid the extra 200 yuan.

I hope these reasons for my analysis help you! If you want to get out of your current situation, you can try this:

First of all, I think it would really help you to think back on your feelings of injustice and anger. Are they directed at your roommate or at yourself?

It's so important to understand what's really going on here. Is it the anger caused by feeling unconfident and being bullied, or the anger caused by your roommate's accusatory behavior?

This process of analysis itself can really help you feel better. It's a great way to take a step back and view things from a different perspective. It gives you a sense of distance from your emotions, which can be really helpful.

Second, you can make some changes based on the above analysis.

If you're feeling angry at your own reaction, try to remind yourself that you'll slowly change in the future and that you won't so easily agree with other people's criticism and accusations. Give yourself some time and see how you'll grow and change.

If it's about her behavior, it's important to think about whether what she says is true. For example, if she says you use a lot of electricity next month, you can calculate specifically to see if it's really as she says. This is also a way to change, and it shows that you're willing to question and fight for your own interests, which is a sign of your becoming stronger.

I really think you should approve of yourself more, affirm yourself more, and look more at the bright spots in yourself. I know it can be tough, but I promise you'll be so happy you did! You'll accept yourself more, not care so much about the accusations and criticisms of others, and at the same time, you won't over-reflect—even if you are wrong, just correct it, and your mood will be better.

I really hope my answer helps you! If you'd like to chat some more, just click on 'Find a coach for an interpretation – online conversation' at the bottom and I'll be happy to have a one-to-one conversation with you.

Hello!

Thank you for sharing your question.

After reading your question,

There are two points to explore.

Do you let yourself get angry?

You insist on splitting the bill when accused.

Are you angry with others?

What do you feel when you insist on splitting the bill?

What do you think of your insistence on sharing equally?

Is it an attack?

Is it impolite?

Do you think I should always be nice to people?

You start to think about it.

You feel guilty for demanding equal sharing and attacking the other person.

Start to reflect?

Second, accept the accusation.

When we agree with someone,

We'll be hooked.

There's a plot here.

Think about it. Did this happen when you were younger?

In the same situation,

Blame, label, and impose guilt.

You had to admit you were wrong, and you did.

There is a lot of anger and grievance inside that has not been expressed.

There's no one to take it out on.

Once, twice, one year, two years.

When others accuse you,

It's hard to accuse him back because you feel at fault.

Healing requires us to see the inner child, listen to his grievances and anger, embrace him, love him, and apologize for ignoring him.

I'm your counselor.

We'll grow together.

Good day.

It is important to acknowledge both your anger and any self-blame that may be associated with it. This indicates that your anger is not solely directed at the other party, but also at yourself.

I had a dispute with my roommate over the division of the electricity bill. My initial reaction was to assume responsibility for the discrepancy. After further reflection, I determined that I was not at fault and offered to pay a larger portion of the electricity bill. Upon subsequent review, I discovered that I was not in the wrong, yet I still felt aggrieved and angry. I engaged in self-attacking behaviors.

You are most frustrated when you feel unable to pursue your own course of action and are easily influenced by the opinions of others. It is unclear whether this applies to other situations. In this case, the key issue may not be personality-related.

It is challenging to make comparisons regarding electricity consumption, as each individual's usage patterns, living habits, and spending power vary.

For instance, 100 degrees of electricity may be considered excessive by some individuals, whereas it is inconsequential for others. Consequently, the allocation of electricity costs among roommates can be negotiated and agreed upon through a prior arrangement.

For instance, one might agree that the individual who utilizes more electrical appliances would be responsible for paying a larger portion of the electricity bill.

In some cases, when two individuals reside in the same space, it is necessary for them to demonstrate tolerance and accommodation in various aspects of their lives. Relationships are shaped by the mutual influence of both parties. As the adage suggests, "Two good things combined create a better outcome." When both individuals exhibit mutual respect and avoid petty or calculating behaviors, they are more likely to enjoy a harmonious and productive relationship.

If you identify with this situation and believe it may result in negative internal experiences related to a lack of self-protection, it is beneficial to acknowledge this self-awareness. You may wish to consider making conscious adjustments based on this self-awareness and testing it out.

1. Maintain a calm and objective mindset, considering all aspects of the issue through a diverse range of perspectives before taking action.

Maintaining composure is essential for regulating emotions, adjusting mindset, and thinking independently. Regardless of the complexity of the situation, it is possible to make sound judgments and decisions, rather than merely following the crowd.

2. Take a moment to relax and refrain from undue self-criticism.

It is important to recognize that it is not feasible to be completely thorough in many situations. Therefore, it is not productive to be overly critical of oneself for shortcomings in thoroughness. One's experience in dealing with people develops gradually with time. It is beneficial to allow oneself time to grow and gain experience, as this will lead to more comprehensive considerations.

It is counterproductive to engage in excessive self-criticism. It is more constructive to identify shortcomings and implement gradual corrections than to direct criticism at oneself.

3. Cultivate greater self-assurance and inner resolve.

Inner confidence and determination are derived from past successful experiences. The more successful experiences an individual has, the more they will believe in themselves.

As you gain strength and confidence, you will be able to face any situation in life with courage, pursue your desired outcomes, and chart your own course without being unduly influenced by others.

I hope that Hongyu's reply is helpful to you. Thank you for your question.

Good morning, question asker!

My name is Yi Ming, and I work as a heart exploration coach.

I commend you for your awareness.

It might be helpful to view every grievance and anger we feel as a reminder that we could benefit from making some adjustments.

Although the current feeling may be somewhat uncomfortable, when we recognize that we may unconsciously accept the accusations of others against ourselves, it suggests that you have identified the root of the problem and are open to addressing it.

I hope this offers some inspiration.

1. It might be helpful to try to understand yourself first, rather than getting angry with yourself.

Sometimes, we engage in behaviors that may contribute to feelings of depression.

Even though you are confident that you have not done anything wrong, when someone suggests that you have, you find yourself reflecting on whether there might be room for improvement. As you consider this, you discover more and more evidence that suggests you may have taken on blame that is not yours to bear.

I imagine it would be challenging for anyone to accept such a situation without some sort of reaction.

And do you find yourself questioning whether you should have stuck to your principles and positions?

Perhaps it would be helpful to try to understand why we are acting this way, rather than blaming ourselves.

It's possible that you're a self-reflective person who values the relationship with your roommate. In that case, you might consider looking at the situation from the other person's perspective.

While her comments may not have been entirely comprehensive, there may be some truth to them.

As a result, you may find yourself unconsciously cooperating with her, apologizing to her, and paying more for the electricity bill.

Could this process perhaps be perceived as being somewhat akin to being PUA'd?

Some people tend to stick to their own perspective and may accuse others of being wrong.

It is not uncommon to feel affected when we are on the receiving end of criticism, particularly when faced with a problem where it is difficult to say for sure who is right and who is wrong.

I admire your willingness to empathize with others and to put yourself in their shoes more often.

This approach will likely result in more harmonious interpersonal relationships, with minimal risk of inadvertently causing harm to oneself.

2. It may be helpful to be aware of your emotions and to take a moment to reflect before reacting.

It may be helpful to recognize that we can sometimes be misled by other people's accusations.

As an example, when we are confronted with accusations in the future, we might consider pausing for a few seconds to reflect on our emotions.

Why? Sometimes we may find ourselves getting angry and arguing or having conflicts with others because facing accusations can be a challenging experience for many of us.

It's natural to feel defensive when faced with accusations from others. We all have a tendency to protect ourselves and get angry when we feel attacked.

However, after becoming upset, she will take a moment to consider whether her actions were appropriate.

It may therefore be helpful to consider learning to deal with emotions before dealing with things.

When faced with accusations, it may be helpful to first take the time to calm your own hurt feelings.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether what she says is always right.

Could it be that she is looking for someone to blame because she didn't expect the electricity bill to be so high? Perhaps she doesn't want to pay such a high bill and is looking for a way to feel better about herself.

It might be helpful to remember that her accusations are just her thoughts from her own perspective, and they are not necessarily objective.

Perhaps it would be best not to follow her train of thought.

It may be helpful to take a moment to understand our own emotions before responding. This can help us to be more objective and less influenced by others.

3. It might be helpful to view this challenging experience as an opportunity for personal growth.

One way to deal with unhappiness or a sense of failure is to learn from our experiences, which can help us grow and improve.

If we are aware of this pattern in ourselves and are used to thinking, "I may be wrong," we can improve our awareness and prevent this from happening again.

It would be helpful to remember that "I feel I may be wrong." This is not a feeling; it is an evaluation.

Could you kindly clarify what the standard for right and wrong in something like the electricity bill might be?

It's possible that she's expressing her disappointment because you didn't do what she wanted.

It's likely that she'll find some reason why you might be using more electricity.

It might be the case that what she said has some merit.

Perhaps that's why you agreed with her for a while.

Perhaps we can find a way to make ourselves more comfortable in the future.

For instance, given that we are sharing the flat, it is somewhat challenging to ascertain expenses with precision. I will endeavor to monitor electricity consumption, but it may be more prudent to divide the bill in a fair manner.

It may be worth considering that a harmonious relationship with your partner could be more important than the electricity bill, etc.

It is possible that we may encounter similar situations in the future. In such instances, it would be beneficial for us to learn how to take care of ourselves and to guard our own boundaries.

Perhaps it would be helpful to try to remain calm in the face of some conflict situations, and to try not to be influenced by other people's accusations or ideas.

Perhaps it would be helpful to take a moment to slow down.

Perhaps it would be helpful to trust yourself.

Please feel free to share these if you think they might be helpful.

If it might be of interest to you, you may wish to consider reading "The Courage to Be Disliked," which offers guidance on distinguishing between other people's problems and your own.

I hope this finds you well.

Hello!

In a shared living situation, there will be problems.

Electricity prices rise in summer.

Your roommate thinks you're using too much electricity, which is why the bill is so high.

It's not magnanimous, whether she doesn't know the seasonal reasons or thinks you're to blame.

This is the kind of conflict that can easily arise in a shared living situation. You argue over trifles, don't take the blame, and find fault with others.

You stood your ground at first in your electricity bill dispute with your roommate.

But when you get home, you start to waver.

This accusation may be familiar and seem authoritative. Even if you don't think it's right, you'll have to obey.

Think about it. Whose voice is this?

If you can identify this person, you'll know why you believe others' accusations.

You identify with this person.

If you agree with someone who likes to blame you, you'll find yourself in one of these situations:

1. You take responsibility when things go wrong.

2. You don't think you deserve good things.

3. They blame themselves in conflicts.

4. They punish themselves when things go wrong.

5. You make excuses for the other person to avoid blame.

Compromising with your roommate is just one part of your life.

You may have often wanted to fight for yourself but gave up. You may have also been used to humoring yourself, but felt very unwilling inside.

This starts with a circle of people around you. You try to break free, but it's not good, so you jump back in.

You want to stay loyal to that person.

That person is probably your parent.

Parents are in charge of their children.

You have to listen to and accept their words, even if they are wrong.

Defiance is useless. It makes things worse and gets you punished more.

Submitting to them is not betraying them.

This is how children show absolute loyalty to their parents. It's a model for how you approach all your relationships.

To break this pattern, you need to be loyal to yourself.

The more you like yourself, the more loyal you will be.

You don't have to compromise to show your parents and others you're sincere.

If you consider your own feelings, others will respect you.

You can set your own boundaries even if there are conflicts.

If you're angry, talk to your roommate.

You can discuss bills even if you pay them.

Starting next month, the user of more electricity will pay more.

If they disagree, get a separate meter or find a new roommate.

There's no such thing as fairness. If everything is clearly defined, you can't live together.

Speak up and be heard!

I hope this helps.

I'm Yan Guilai, a counselor.

Hello!

Host:

I can see how you feel. I also see that you have been brave in sharing your feelings and seeking help. This will help you understand yourself better.

Next, I'll share my thoughts from the post. They might help you see the situation differently.

1. Is this true in this relationship or in other relationships?

The landlord was angry and upset about the utility bills, but this made her think about herself. This was helpful for her growth.

We should be grateful for our emotions, which help us grow. Let's understand why we behave this way. The host first stuck to his views but then reflected on himself.

I think it was my problem. I apologized to my roommate and paid an extra 200 yuan in electricity bills.

What were your feelings? Were you afraid of losing your relationship?

Or do you look inward in other relationships to see if there's something wrong with yourself?

This is worth thinking about. It can help us understand ourselves better.

2. Explore why you are the way you are.

We talked about whether you are like this in this relationship or in all relationships. Let's talk about why you are like this.

This is often related to our upbringing. The original poster can look back on their own upbringing.

Think about if you have similar feelings in other relationships, especially with your partner. Often, we copy how we relate to our partners from how we relate to our parents.

She may start looking inward when something goes wrong. This can help her identify problems.

If this is excessive, it can lead to self-blame and self-attack.

3. Learn to trust yourself.

We often trust others more than ourselves because we care too much about what others think of us.

To have a stable self that is less influenced by others, we need to create our own internal evaluation system. This will help us not be affected by external opinions.

This internal evaluation system is like a tree's roots. The opinions of others are like the wind and rain.

If we have "roots," we won't fear the wind and rain. Even if the trunk sways, it will still stand tall. How do we build up our inner evaluation of ourselves?

We need to view ourselves objectively and understand ourselves better. We can also ask our friends and loved ones what they think.

Then we can see if they're being fair. This will help us understand ourselves better.

I hope this helps and inspires you. If you have any questions, you can also click to find a coach.

Dear Sir/Madam, Thank you for your question. Best regards,

It is challenging to provide guidance on interpersonal issues in a limited space. Nevertheless, I am available for a discussion to explore potential solutions when you feel frustrated.

[Avoiding conflict means suppressing your emotions]

From your written account, I can discern a strong sense of grievance and anger, both at your roommate's accusations and at your own perceived shortcomings and willingness to compromise. It is possible that you have now calmed down a little after reading the replies from other respondents on the other side of the screen.

Let's examine together the underlying causes of this sense of grievance and anger. In your question, you stated that you trust others more than you trust yourself. Consequently, when others accuse you, you tend to agree with their accusations.

It is possible that you do not fully trust the other person, but you are reluctant to have a conflict because of it. You do not want to see the situation escalate into a dispute over a relatively minor issue like a electricity bill. You may be inclined to agree with the other person's perspective while justifying your own actions. Ultimately, you decide to take the initiative to take a series of actions to maintain your relationship.

In this way, you demonstrate tolerance, generosity, politeness, and restraint, yet you suppress your emotions. The more you attempt to satisfy others, the more frustrated you become.

It is possible for anyone to have a flexible attribution model.

In this minor life event of rising electricity prices, the different attribution patterns of your roommate and yourself are evident. She selected external attribution, attributing the cause to you and concluding that your wasteful behavior was the reason for the increase, while your pattern is internal attribution, focusing on identifying the underlying issue and taking responsibility for finding a solution.

While individual upbringing may influence attribution preferences, a calm and comprehensive approach allows for a more flexible and holistic assessment of the issue. Effective communication at this stage is crucial to avoid intensifying emotions, fully expressing thoughts, and ultimately negotiating a mutually acceptable plan and outcome.

It should be noted that this step requires repeated practice, and that each instance of conflict represents an optimal opportunity for practice.

[Consistent communication cultivates unity of body and mind]

There is a communication model advocated by American family therapist Satir called "congruent communication." It entails paying attention to oneself, the other person, and the current situation when communicating.

If you can do these three things, you can express your needs in communication while also respecting the needs of the other person and the situation. This will prevent you from having to regret things you said out of impulse, and it will prevent you from suffering from things you didn't say.

I encourage you to give it a try. A gentle and kind person can also firmly defend their reasonable needs.

Ultimately, it is my hope that the individual posing the question will be able to approach conflicts with an open mind, transform crises into opportunities, and feel at ease in the relationship.

Good day.

I appreciate the thought-provoking question you posed, which touches on the inner experiences of many individuals in their daily lives. I believe this question has the potential to resonate with a wider audience.

When we were younger, it may have been the case that developments occurred in a way that was clearly illogical and contrary to the laws of objective reality. However, we had to agree with and cater to our parents, and because of our deep affection for them, we had to apologize and expect their forgiveness.

She feels let down and is afraid that if she doesn't comply, she will be replaced—and being replaced is often perceived as a loss of value.

Human values are of great importance. A narrow-minded approach can impede the ability to live courageously.

The expectation that only good children are obedient, well-behaved, and sensible is a standard that defines their behavior. This expectation can lead to feelings of responsibility for other people.

As a result, you will appear to be the same as you are now when faced with a problem – you will feel awkward, and the other person will also feel your awkwardness.

This will cause your roommate to believe that you will be affected and will have to pay the "recognized price."

It is possible that your roommate was brought up in a way that made her prefer to calculate everything clearly and to overwhelm the other person with verbal logic.

You are experiencing confusion.

Subsequently, through rational judgment, you came to recognize that you were experiencing feelings of shame, fear, and disgust with yourself the other day. It appears that you were driven to take action to please others, yet you harbored negative sentiments towards this aspect of yourself.

It is often recommended that you love and accept yourself. This is particularly relevant in an era that increasingly values and respects individuality.

It is important to identify and address subconscious behaviors that may be causing frustration. It is crucial to avoid becoming the source of annoyance to others.

It is important to distinguish and filter information.

It is important to take care of yourself and understand that you have the right to make choices.

Handling relationships in an appropriate manner does not entail being subservient. Individuals who possess a greater degree of pride may be better equipped to navigate life's challenges.

Listen to your anger, sadness, and grievances. What will they tell you? "You're great, you don't have to put up with this."

"You have not violated any rules."

With regard to the remaining aspects of your shared living space, you may wish to discuss with your roommate the rules you consider important and attempt to reach an agreement on a standard that suits you both.

This will also foster greater respect for your ideas on the part of the other person.