Why do I feel repulsion towards intimacy while reading "Nurture Your Inner Child"?

Good morning, host!

From your expression, I can see that you have a strong sense of self-awareness. I can also sense a conflict between a need inside you and a resistance to getting it, which is causing you pain. In your expression, I noticed the feeling of unworthiness you mentioned. I would like to share with you some thoughts on this topic in the hope that they might be helpful to you.

Could you please elaborate on what you understand by the feeling of unworthiness?

In essence, this is a sense of lack of value. It could be described as feeling unworthy of good things, whether material or spiritual, wealth or affection.

It can be described as a feeling of not being worthy of what one desires.

Could I respectfully inquire as to what the feeling of unworthiness is based on?

Perhaps the core issue is self-worth, which is a subjective judgment of one's own value. It could be that this is entirely a personal feeling, and that there is no objective truth.

It is important to remember that the opinions of others do not define our self-worth.

It is also worth noting that when we seek to enhance our self-worth, asking others to praise us may not always have the desired effect. This is because the value that others perceive in us may not align with our own self-perception.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the opposite of unworthiness: worthiness.

When you have something of value, you may feel a sense of entitlement, which is the idea that you deserve to have such beautiful things.

A sense of entitlement is often based on a person's perception of their own self-worth. Those who feel a strong sense of entitlement may not be overly concerned with external validation, as they have a clear understanding of their own value and recognize that the opinions of others are just one aspect of who they are.

Some people care a great deal about what others think of them because they are uncertain about their identity.

He tends to internalize other people's opinions of him and may have difficulty recognizing his own value. He may be prone to lashing out at others and engaging in self-critical thoughts. Even if no one is actually negating him, he may still feel like he is not good enough.

This can lead to the feeling that one does not deserve to have those nice things.

From a psychological perspective, it can be said that when one experiences discomfort after attaining a certain value, it may be indicative of a sense of unworthiness.

How might a sense of unworthiness manifest itself?

It is possible that a person with a strong sense of unworthiness may set limits on themselves and be afraid to approach things that they feel they don't deserve deep down.

Or it could be that an outward explosion of material deprivation in childhood brings about an extreme desire for material things, excessive demands, overeating, and buying sprees to fill the bottomless inner desire. Or it could be that an inward punishment, belittling and denying self-worth, labeling oneself with the words "I don't deserve it," is experienced as a way of cutting off one's desire for material things.

The resulting mental world is usually barren and bleak, full of self-denial and doubt. When interacting with others, they appear weak and timid, afraid to trouble others; they are embarrassed to say no, even if the other person is making unreasonable demands; they work silently, afraid of being forgotten on the one hand, but not wanting to be the protagonist on the other; when they get the attention of others, they act awkward and uneasy.

In essence, a sense of unworthiness can prevent us from fully engaging with the beauty of the world.

If you feel internally lacking and unsure of your worth, it can be challenging to achieve what you desire, whether it's financial abundance or a loving relationship. Even if you do attain these things, they may not last, and you might find yourself unable to fully enjoy them.

How might we go about solving the sense of unworthiness?

To address this issue, it would be helpful to understand the root cause of this sense of unworthiness.

Perhaps it would be helpful to think back to your childhood. Did you ever hear things like:

"If you don't listen, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave."

"Our family doesn't have the financial resources to purchase toys."

"Our family has never been particularly inclined towards the arts, and it's perhaps understandable that you might feel somewhat insignificant in this context."

It could be said that this sense of deprivation felt in childhood contributes to a sense of low self-worth, which in turn may lead to feelings of inferiority.

It could be said that for a child, the feeling of unworthiness is fundamentally a feeling of unworthiness to receive parental love.

It is important to remember that children are often the best receivers of information, but the least adept at interpreting it. Due to their lack of experience in interpreting information, they may not always distinguish between true and false when it comes to feedback from their parents, and they may take it all in.

In response, he may define himself as follows: "My parents treated me this way because I am not good enough, and I do not deserve their love."

If a person subconsciously believes that they are not worthy of the love of their closest parents, it may be challenging for them to believe that they are worthy of anything else.

From this, we can see that the feeling of unworthiness may have its roots in a sense of deprivation experienced during childhood. When we lack the ability to be autonomous and think independently, we may find ourselves relying on the outside world to meet our various needs. This can lead us to accept everything the outside world gives us.

At this juncture, if we receive positive feedback from the external world, we may feel a sense of belonging.

It is worth noting that if our needs are never satisfied and we always feel negative experiences from the outside world, this can lead to a sense of unworthiness.

How might one go about eliminating the feeling of unworthiness?

There seems to be a common misunderstanding here. Many people would advise spending more, buying expensive things, treating yourself well, and telling yourself that you deserve it.

However, it could be argued that a person's spiritual stability and wealth does not come from accumulating material goods, but from inner strength. It may be the case that excessive consumption brings only a deeper sense of despair when you see the remaining balance in your account.

Perhaps the best way to break this deadlock in life is to start by changing our thinking habits.

There are two ways to approach this homework.

First, it would be beneficial to gain a deeper understanding of the factors that may have influenced parents, particularly young parents, to treat their childhood selves in a certain way. It may also be helpful to explore various avenues to gain insight into the era in which your parents lived, their lives, and their upbringing.

It might be helpful to consider your own childhood experiences from an adult perspective, as well as the messages that young parents are sending us.

Secondly, it would be beneficial to consider ways of enhancing your sense of self-worth.

I believe there are five aspects to this.

One way to approach this is to imagine yourself accompanying your inner child on their journey of growth and development.

You might consider developing courage by trying to do things you're afraid to do; cultivating a sense of abundance by trying to fulfill small wishes; and expressing thoughts you're afraid to express to cultivate self-confidence, for example.

2) It would be beneficial to learn self-awareness.

It may be helpful to learn to see yourself as no longer a child in every moment of low self-worth, to sort through the skills, achievements, and resources you already have, and to recognize your own adult strength.

In situations where you feel you are undeserving, it may be helpful to try to engage with the adult part of yourself to gain a different perspective.

3) Consider learning to change your mindset.

Perhaps it would be helpful to shift from focusing on the negative to seeing things in a holistic way. For example, you may feel that you are sensitive, which can sometimes be perceived as a bad thing.

On the other hand, it could be said that sensitive people with delicate minds and the ability to put themselves in other people's shoes often have good interpersonal relationships.

4) Strive less for perfection

It may be helpful to remember that, as a person, you are an imperfect being. However, as we grow and develop, we gradually become more perfect.

5) Consider loosening the constraints you place on yourself.

Consider trying new things that you have been hesitant to try before. You may find that you can live a more diverse life without excess, get along with the opposite sex in a decent and natural way, and even get a good salary based on your abilities.

It would be remiss of me not to mention that one of our life's missions is to find our own value and use it to bring beauty and happiness to the world.

I hope this is helpful for you! I wish you happiness!

Hello!

You're reading this book and you know that intimacy makes you uncomfortable. Way to go for being aware of that!

"My mind feels a bit sick, a bit like throwing up. I'm ready to throw off the shackles of other people's kindness and embrace my own worthiness! Even if it's my family.

The source of intimacy comes from the relationship with your parents, especially with your mother. I highly recommend reading a fantastic book called "The Bond of Maternal Love"!

Your mother set all kinds of conditions for the intimate relationship between you, which made it a challenge to meet her demands. Over time, you lost interest in intimacy and even rejected it, but that's okay! It's all part of the journey to finding what works best for you.

Attachment theory was first proposed by the brilliant British psychiatrist John Bowlby. It studies the impact of internal working models on interpersonal relationships through the fascinating analysis of the mother-child relationship. According to the baby's behavior during the separation and closeness process, it is divided into three types: secure, avoidant, and anxious. The baby's attachment pattern will affect interpersonal interactions in adulthood in an amazing way!

"I don't dislike my cousin, but she is very nice and gentle with me. When I think about it, I find it unacceptable and annoying, and I'm excited to see her be less nice to me. But I also feel a little sad when no one really cares about understanding what I'm saying.

Your relationship with your cousin is actually influenced by the kind of intimacy you had as a child, which has led to similar rejection. And this is great because it means you can work on your attachment pattern! It's likely to be of the anxious type, rejecting on the one hand and needing on the other.

I really hope these observations are helpful to you! The most important thing is for you to become aware of them yourself.

Greetings. I extend a warm embrace from a distance.

It is challenging to accept physical and mental affection from others, particularly in the context of more intimate relationships. However, there is a deep-seated need for care, understanding, recognition, acceptance, and support. This is shaped by the experiences of childhood and the manner in which individuals are treated during their formative years.

It is evident that throughout one's growth and development, the nurturer (significant other parent) did not provide sufficient emotional understanding, attention, acceptance, support, affirmation, or consideration. In other words, they were emotionally insensitive and indifferent to the individual, particularly lacking in close physical and verbal interactions. The individual's body has no experience or memory of this aspect from an early age, which has planted a sense of inferiority, unlove, neglect, and deep unworthiness in the individual's young mind.

The interpersonal relationship patterns of an adult are frequently a replication of the patterns of interaction with parents in their family of origin during their early years, particularly if they have lacked awareness of their own upbringing.

Once an individual has developed an awareness of their own upbringing, they can utilize this self-awareness to inform their efforts to make beneficial adjustments to their current inappropriate behavioral patterns in order to better align them with the needs of the situation and the relationship.

For example, it can be observed that there is an intense inner longing for recognition, affirmation, acceptance, understanding, and support from others, yet the body experiences rejection. At this juncture, it may be beneficial to attempt to cope with the discomfort associated with the rejection, to discern its source, and to consider whether the need for or desirability of such recognition is intrinsic or whether it is a reflection of a lack of positive parental experiences. Alternatively, it may be that the parents themselves lacked positive experiences and therefore are unable to provide the same to their children. It is important to recognize that the inability to provide such experiences is not necessarily a reflection of an inherent unwillingness, but rather a result of the parents' own experiences.

At this juncture, one may be more amenable to and perceptive of their sentiments of rejection. They may then endeavor to accept the affection and assistance of their surrounding individuals with a degree of internal disquietude, predicated on the necessity of such treatment, their intrinsic worthiness to receive it, and the value of such interactions.

Concurrently, one may endeavor to cultivate personal growth and actively address the inner need for intimacy, love, and support. One approach could be to compose a letter to the neglected and ignored child within oneself and offer a gesture of affection.

Subsequently, one may endeavor to reestablish oneself as an exemplary parental figure, thereby rectifying the perceived deficiencies.

It is imperative that one treats oneself and others with respect and consideration.

Hello, host!

After reading your description, I'd like to share my thoughts.

As you read the book, "Parenting Your Inner Child," you started to recognize your own patterns and realized that you tend to push away intimacy and find it hard to accept kindness from others. I also noticed two things:

1. The landlord didn't get much care, understanding, acceptance, recognition, or support growing up.

2. When the book describes the benefits these bring to people and specifically how others have created benefits for you – for example, when you feel stressed, powerless, and in need of help, there will be someone to support you – my mind feels a bit sick and I feel like vomiting.

Based on this, I think there may be two reasons:

One is the fear of being hurt in an intimate relationship.

Basically, turning away from others is a way of turning away from yourself. The poster grew up with little care, understanding, or support from others. He feels unworthy and undeserving of the kindness he's received. So, when it comes to intimate relationships, he tends to resist and avoid.

As Emily Dickinson said in a poem, "I could have borne the darkness if I had never seen the sun." Maybe the host thinks avoiding intimacy is a way to protect yourself.

The second is cognitive dissonance.

"Cognitive dissonance" is when you have two conflicting attitudes or behaviors. Usually, your attitudes and behaviors are consistent with each other. But when they're not, you feel a state of cognitive dissonance, which can cause psychological tension.

To relieve tension, people will try to change their perceptions, add new perceptions, change how important different perceptions are, and change their behaviors to restore balance.

A good example of this is the psychology of sour grapes. When we don't get something, we often change our perception to believe that the thing is bad and we don't want it. This helps us to reduce the internal conflict and pain.

So, when you read about the benefits of intimacy in a book, you may experience some "nausea and vomiting" rejection symptoms to reduce the psychological tension caused by cognitive dissonance.

Here's how you can improve the situation:

I believe that the main reason people avoid intimacy is a lack of self-acceptance. They feel that they are not good enough and do not deserve to be treated so well by others. They are afraid that if others see them as they really are, the intimacy will break down and they will be hurt.

So, you can start by working on enhancing your sense of self-identity. Gradually, you can learn to accept the real you and let go of your protective mechanisms.

1. Get a clear and objective understanding of yourself.

You can use the "Zhou Hari Window" tool here. It was first proposed in 1955 by American social psychologists Joseph Luft and Harrylngham. The Zhou Hari Window is a combination of the first two letters of the names of the two people.

They likened the mind and inner self of a person to a window, which can be divided into four parts: top, bottom, left, and right. The window of consciousness names these four parts: the public self, which I know and others know; the blind self, which I know and others don't know; the hidden self, which I know and others know; and the unknown self, which neither I nor others know.

We all have four parts to our personalities: self-awareness, behavior, mannerisms, and how others perceive us. They're all different in size.

2. You might want to think about developing some hobbies.

Hobbies like calligraphy, painting, flower arranging, and dance can be a real lifesaver in a life of suffering and help us to constantly reaffirm our sense of worth.

3. Get into the habit of doing more regular aerobic exercise.

Some studies have shown that the body and mind are closely related. A healthy, energetic body can also give us a positive state of mind. But at the end of the day, good health is what matters most.

4. Give some mindfulness exercises a try.

Mindfulness, which is also often called "living in the present," means being aware of each thought and using the mind to observe and feel what's happening in the present. Over time, it can really help us be more aware and perceive happiness, which can reduce a lot of unnecessary anxiety.

I hope you find these thoughts and suggestions helpful!

Greetings,

You experience feelings of rejection and irritation when someone, such as your cousin, is kind to you. In the book, it was stated that when one is vulnerable, the understanding and support of others can be beneficial. However, you feel the same rejection, nausea, and desire to vomit.

The subject displays a perplexing hypersensitivity to intimacy. Despite their evident desire for care from others, the subject experiences significant discomfort and physical reactions when such care is received.

What is your assessment of this somewhat playful "symptom" of yourself? Do you experience feelings of anxiety?

Such a comparison is, it would seem, a source of amusement. It is, however, a fallacy to assume that the spectrum of allergic reactions is limited to those that affect the human body. Some people are allergic to seafood, others to pork, still others to peanuts, and still others to flowers. In contrast, you are allergic to love.

It is not my intention to deny the distress this "symptom" causes you.

The initial step to achieving liberation and freedom is to relax and accept the reality that one is allergic to love, just as one would accept an allergy to seafood. This is a fundamental truth; it is crucial not to ascribe negative labels to it.

The process of relaxing acceptance of one's allergy to love, coupled with a pragmatic and gentle attitude, and then exploring the psychological mechanisms behind this allergy, can facilitate a relaxed and friendly exploration of the self, accompanied by a clear understanding of the truth and a deep comprehension of the self. It is recommended to relax.

Although I am unaware of the nuances of your experience with rejection of intimacy, I am certain that every reaction in our hearts carries important information. For example, I often feel rejection and fear of authoritative men.

It is challenging to consider this matter in a logical manner, given that the other individual has not engaged in any wrongdoing. At a later point in time, when I encounter authority, I will redirect my attention inward, focusing on my own emotional state. This process can be conceptualized as creating inner space, allowing my inner feelings to express themselves freely. My inner rejection of authority can be seen as a manifestation of disgust and anger towards authority, which are sentiments that are reminiscent of my childhood experiences of being treated roughly by my parents.

The anger is a mask for a deeper, more vulnerable emotion: fear. After experiencing these feelings, I have learned to pay closer attention to my own needs when interacting with authority figures. I recognize that when I am in their presence, I may regress to a more childlike, fearful, and needy state.

I deliberately shifted my focus to self-observation, embracing my internal experiences rather than suppressing my aversion to authority. Instead, I cultivated acceptance and accompanied these feelings. Over time, the intensity of these emotions, including rejection, anger, and fear, has diminished considerably. Consequently, I now find it much more at ease to interact with authority figures.

One may experience this method independently. Indeed, the most profound love is that which is founded upon self-awareness and self-acceptance.

The question of whether the other person loves or understands us becomes less significant in this context.

Moreover, there are numerous potential explanations for your aversion to intimacy and revulsion. The only individual who can discern the fundamental causes is you, as this sentiment resides within you.

It is imperative to accept this sentiment, acknowledge it, examine it, confront it, and permit the complete expression of this repugnant emotion to emerge within oneself before it can be perceived, comprehended, and gradually dissipated.

It is possible that the manner in which your family and those around you treated you during your formative years was characterized by contempt or even harshness and disgust. This could have led you to perceive yourself as disgusting even at a young age.

The feeling of being disgusting and terrible is a significant and overwhelming experience for a child. Consequently, the child may subconsciously repress this feeling, accept the way their family treats them, and regard the way their family treats them as a normal, acceptable, and habitual expression.

In this manner, one is spared the necessity of enduring the sensation of being repulsive. When one encounters authentic intimacy, affection, and comprehension, these phenomena challenge one's perception, as if to reveal the truth of having been deprived of love during one's childhood. They then draw one into the experience of revulsion towards the emotional state that one's family evokes.

The individual is averse to experiencing the pain associated with this internal state, which manifests as a sense of repulsion and disgust towards love and other positive emotions. In essence, the individual is driven by an unconscious desire to avoid the intolerable sensation of feeling repulsive and unclean within.

The sensation of nausea is not a genuine reflection of reality. Rather, it is shaped by the experiences of mistreatment from one's family, which instills a false impression. It is important to recognize that these experiences are not a result of one's own actions and that they do not define one's inherent worth.

If one did not receive it in the past, one can bestow it upon oneself now.

It is my sincere hope that this will be of some assistance. Wishing you the very best.

Hello, question asker. I appreciate your invitation to answer.

I am pleased to see that the questioner has read the book "Parenting Your Inner Child," which I still highly recommend. From the questioner's own account, it is clear that the questioner has lacked the sense of security of an ordinary family since childhood.

These issues stem from the perpetuation of the original family's educational approach. It's not that parents don't want to provide more love; they were also taught this way since they were young, which is why they treat the questioner this way.

When faced with intimacy and the goodwill of loved ones, the questioner will experience a physical reaction and feel nauseous. I believe the questioner may have an avoidant attachment personality, and the feeling of nausea is likely caused by anxiety.

Facing her kindness and closeness, the questioner feels he cannot accept it and is annoyed. His subconscious is more afraid of losing this love or feeling that he does not deserve this beautiful family relationship. He must confront these feelings and accept the kindness and closeness.

Here are some brief suggestions for the questioner on how to deal with your feelings and this sense of kinship:

Accept your current state.

Facing the affection you long for within yourself may cause anxiety or even physical reactions such as nausea. It is normal to experience these emotions and reactions if you imagine you are an avoidant attachment personality.

Don't feel sad. This is the result of the intimacy you had as a child, which is why you are so resistant to others' closeness now. At the same time, you can also try to communicate with your cousin. Tell her how you feel about her approaching your inner feelings. Tell her that you are very happy about her approach, but that you are currently unable to accept others being so good to you. Make it clear that you need time to adjust. I believe your cousin will understand you.

Listen to your inner voice.

It's time to listen to your true voice. These thoughts in your mind can have a positive or negative effect on your physical and mental health.

What thoughts are getting in the way of the questioner's desire? The questioner desires intimacy, but their body is reacting with rejection. What is the questioner's body trying to tell them?

When your body has an adverse reaction, take a deep breath and listen to your inner voice. Why do you resist the closeness of your loved ones?

Do not be too hard on yourself. Do not blame yourself for your parents' actions. These thoughts will affect your mood, motivation, and expectations for life.

Every morning, look at yourself in the mirror and say three things you like about yourself. You will become more confident and less susceptible to self-doubting thoughts the more positive your attitude towards yourself is.

For example, say: "I deserve to be loved, I can love others, I deserve more love."

Be aware of your external situation.

The questioner must become aware of what kind of situation will make them feel physically sick. Is it when someone shows affection for the questioner, or when someone tries to get close to the questioner? In social situations, the questioner must decide whether to resist others' affection for them or to accept it only from family members.

These situations that make you uncomfortable are not your fault. They do not make you feel pressure or embarrassment. Use visualization techniques to calm your mind.

Imagine yourself feeling relaxed and at ease, observing and enjoying things as they are.

If these situations make you feel uncomfortable, avoid them or calm yourself down before entering the relevant situation. If you don't like your cousin being nice and gentle to you, make an excuse to go away and come back when you've calmed down.

If you feel unable to reciprocate the kindness of others, you must ask yourself why. What is your preferred mode of interaction, and what are your needs? Have you communicated these to others?

Use effective language to express your needs. This may feel uncomfortable at first, but you will become more confident as you practice.

Monitor your own verbal tics.

It's inevitable that when we're faced with a situation that isn't ideal, we'll have some verbal tics. We might say, "I'm so annoyed," "I might as well die," or "I messed up again today." These reflect our tendency to exaggerate and have emotional responses to things. They'll deepen the questioner's negative thoughts.

The words we repeat often reflect our subconscious thoughts. By paying attention to our words, we can understand our inner thoughts.

The person in question must avoid using these types of words. To help you turn negative emotions into positive ones, replace these negative words with positive thoughts and praise. For example, replace "terrible" with "unfortunate" or "there is still room for improvement," and "disaster" with "challenge" or "inconvenience."

Relieve nausea.

Ginger is an effective remedy for nausea. It calms the stomach and eases digestion.

Ginger has many uses. Add it to food, eat candies or ginger, or drink tea. You can also buy ginger capsules. Take 1000mg with warm water.

Peppermint can also relieve nausea, in addition to ginger.

Ginger is the best home remedy for nausea and can be used to deal with nausea in a variety of situations. If you feel nauseated when faced with someone's intimacy but want to accept it, use these things to relieve the nausea.

Get psychological assistance.

The questioner's insecurity is a significant factor. If the questioner believes that his childhood experiences have negatively impacted him, causing difficulties in intimate relationships, then seeking professional psychological counseling is highly recommended. These practitioners can provide invaluable guidance in addressing negative emotions. Before embarking on this journey, it is crucial to research the reputation of these professionals to ensure a positive experience.

I am confident that my answer will help the questioner.