Why do I feel so clumsy, with such shallow relationships with others or friends?

Hello, I'm Jokerev. I know exactly how you feel, and I understand the confusion and anxiety you face in your relationships with other people.

First, we must face this loneliness together. People are social animals, and it is in our nature to crave connection with others. We may feel that we are not sociable or worry that our emotions and personality will affect our relationships, but we must believe that everyone has their own unique way of relating to others. This is not a problem unique to you.

The changing nature of friendships is a fact of life. People drift apart for various reasons, and that's okay. It's the norm, and it's how we grow. If you're introverted or concerned about controlling your emotions, don't hesitate to initiate contact. You can build long-lasting relationships.

Understand and accept yourself. Everyone has their own shining points. Your sincerity, kindness, and unique perspective are all worth appreciating. Start with self-improvement. Read, learn, and improve your communication skills. Seek the help of a psychologist to better understand and manage your emotions.

Don't beat yourself up over the conversation with the supermarket owner. It's true that conversations in social situations require a certain degree of adaptability, but you don't have to respond perfectly every time.

In life, we encounter all kinds of situations. Sometimes it's normal to be unable to respond to a conversation. Don't be overly critical of yourself. The next time you encounter a similar situation, respond with confidence and an attitude of caring for the other person: "The rent is a heavy burden. What are some ways you can reduce costs normally?"

"Or simply express empathy: "Yes, it's not easy in any industry these days. I'm certain your business will become more and more prosperous."

Interpersonal relationships are an art that requires time to cultivate and practice. Make mistakes, learn from them, and keep improving.

Meanwhile, cherish those friends who are willing to share your joys and sorrows with you. They are a precious asset in your life. As for those who drift apart, let them become part of your memories. Everyone is a passer-by in our life's journey. Some will accompany us for a while, while others will leave a deep impression.

You must cherish yourself and bravely pursue your own happiness.

Dear Whale, I appreciate your candor and honesty. It takes courage to speak up about your doubts and turmoil, and I commend you for doing so.

Firstly, I would like to reassure you that you are not alone in feeling uneasy and confused when it comes to socializing and forming lasting relationships.

Your feelings are valid and acceptable. Let's investigate the root cause of these feelings together and identify potential solutions.

You have expressed concerns about being rejected and not being understood. In EFT, we place a high value on the role of emotions in individual decision-making and behavior.

Emotions serve as indicators of our needs, facilitating connections. Even seemingly straightforward interactions, such as a conversation with a supermarket owner, can offer opportunities for emotional engagement.

It is not uncommon for challenges to arise in this type of communication. We can explore the emotional reactions in these situations and gain insight into how they influence thoughts and actions.

Psychoanalysis employs the concept of "transference," which posits that our inner feelings that cannot be expressed or unresolved may be expressed in interactions with others. You mentioned that you may be reluctant to initiate contact with others due to concerns about your emotional management, which indicates a self-protective measure and may be due to the unresolved emotional fallout from past experiences.

This is a form of self-defense that allows for both self-expression and emotional expression.

When individuals experience feelings of loneliness and isolation, it is often due to a perceived lack of meaningful connections and experiences in their lives. It is recommended that you delve deeply into the issues of self-worth and the meaning of life, striving to comprehend your intrinsic desires and the genuine necessity for human connections.

Please find below a few suggestions that may be helpful in your situation:

1. Practice self-acceptance. It is important to understand that everyone experiences awkward moments in social situations, and this is a normal part of the process.

Do not be overly critical of yourself in this regard, and learn to accept your own imperfections.

2. Take the initiative to make contact in a gradual manner. It can begin with sending a straightforward greeting message, without assuming any complex social obligations. A simple inquiry such as "How have you been?" can be a good starting point.

This low-stress approach can gradually facilitate a deeper level of dialogue.

3. Reflect on and articulate your inner needs. Attempt to comprehend your genuine requirements and expectations with regard to social interaction, whether you seek profound exchanges or merely occasional interactions and connections.

4. Prioritize active listening over mere verbal communication. Social anxiety can often stem from a lack of knowledge about what to say, whereas effective communication entails actively listening to others and understanding their needs.

5. Consider seeking professional support, such as psychological counseling, to explore inner conflicts and conflicts. A professional counselor can assist in understanding your own emotional and behavioral patterns.

6. Engage in meditation and relaxation techniques. During periods of anxiety, the body tends to tense up. Mindfulness meditation, for instance, can help relieve internal tension.

It is important to remember that your value is not defined by your social skills or the depth of your relationships. Everyone has their own pace and approach, so it is essential to accept this and allow yourself time and space to grow and adjust.

Socializing is a skill that can be developed and refined. Just as there are many forms of art, there are also many ways to interact with others. It is important to keep exploring and gradually find a rhythm and approach that suits you.

You have our support throughout this process. Whether you choose to work with friends or a counselor, we are here to provide encouragement and guidance.

You are not alone. Whether it is within your social circle or with a counselor, we are here to support you in navigating your life journey.

You feel uneasy and anxious about interacting with others. You won't initiate contact unless they do first. You're afraid of losing control or being rejected. This passage reflects your struggles in forming and maintaining relationships.

You also said you feel awkward in everyday conversations. For example, you feel "CPU dry burn" when talking to the supermarket owner. These experiences make you question your social skills.

Interpersonal interactions are complex and changeable. Many factors influence them, including individual personality, life background, and interests. Fate plays an important role.

Some people are easy to get along with, while others are difficult to approach. Accepting this does not mean giving up, but rather respecting the diversity of human relationships.

Your emotions and behavior may be influenced by social phobia and avoidant personality traits. Social phobia involves worrying about social situations and being afraid of being judged. Avoidant personality is when you avoid social interaction because you're afraid of being rejected or sensitive.

These traits can make social interactions challenging.

However, relationships are also based on fate. If the right person is not there, it is normal not to have a deep friendship.

Knowing your needs and if someone is a good friend are key to healthy relationships. Improving self-awareness is the best way to improve your social skills.

Learning to manage your emotions is key to overcoming social anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps you identify and challenge negative thinking patterns.

A positive mindset can also help you face social challenges.

You can also improve your social skills. Learn how to start and maintain a conversation, express yourself, and listen to others.

Every social interaction is a chance to learn and grow.

Finally, when you doubt your social skills, try to see things differently. Everyone has their own way of building and maintaining relationships.

Be patient with yourself. You will make progress and experience setbacks as you grow and learn. If these challenges are affecting your daily life, seek professional counseling.

With professional help, you can understand yourself better, learn new ways to cope, and feel more comfortable and satisfied in your relationships.

Hello, I'm Bai Li Yina. I hope my response helps.

The questioner realized he has no close friends and that his friendships don't last. He doesn't like to contact others and is not good at expressing himself. He feels at a loss for words even when chatting with the supermarket owner. What should he do when he gets caught up in this emotion?

[Situation analysis]

It's not good to feel lonely and helpless when you want to chat with someone and realize you don't have any friends to talk to. Let's find out why:

1. You said that when you look back at all the people you used to hang out with, you don't know why you've stopped keeping in touch with them. You can tell from the chat history when you stopped. In the past, you met often, right?

You may have lost contact because the other person's situation has changed. Having a family or a busy work schedule may mean there is no time to hang out with friends.

2. You said you won't contact others if they don't contact you. Is this because you're afraid of losing control or being rejected? Has this always been your norm?

Has your ability to make friends changed? If so, when did it start?

Why can't you make friends like you used to?

3. Being a poor speaker doesn't mean you're not smart. Many scientists are poor speakers but are still very intelligent.

[Questions for thought]

1. Why do you want to chat with someone now? Have you ever wanted to chat with friends before?

Why do you feel lonely or need a friend?

2. Who would you choose to talk to? Why?

3. How does chatting with friends help you? Would you meet up with this friend on a regular basis?

[Try this method]

There are just a few simple skills to making friends. Be sincere. When you miss someone, say, "I miss you. How have you been?" Share your daily life with your friends. Tell them what you saw, what you liked, and what you didn't like. If you feel you'll offend them, it will be hard to open up and chat.

Everyone is different. The way they treat friends and communicate will be different. There is no right or wrong. You have your own advantages. Don't blame yourself.

If you blame yourself, you'll feel nervous and afraid to talk. Sometimes, it's okay to just agree or smile.

Sincerity is key.

I hope these methods help.

Change takes time. Don't worry. Many people have been through this.

The world and I are with you. You are not alone. I wish you peace.

Thanks to those who liked and responded to me. I wish you peace and joy.

Good morning, my name is Gu Daoxi Fengshou Slender Donkey, and I am the Heart Exploration Coach.

I can empathize with the questioner's feelings, so I would like to reassure them.

I would like to share a personal experience with you. I had the impression that my former high school classmate was an introverted individual who was not particularly communicative. However, I observed him engaged in an animated conversation with a classmate seated in front of him. This observation led me to conclude that individuals may not be as introverted as perceived, but rather that they may simply need to connect with the right person.

The questioner may also wish to consider whether they are perhaps unduly self-critical in their assessment of their communication skills, and whether they have a realistic understanding of what constitutes a close friendship.

It would be beneficial to gain an understanding of your own perspective and the reality of the situation. This may assist the questioner in modifying their approach to forming friendships.

While the questioner may have identified potential factors contributing to their difficulty in forming friendships, they may not have fully explored these factors. It may be beneficial for the questioner to shift their perspective and develop a more effective approach to friendships. This could involve identifying the worst-case scenario of their concerns and developing a plan to address it.

There is a common adage that if you are not embarrassed, it is likely that someone else is. It may be helpful to try to be less sensitive, pay less attention to the other person's feedback, and you may find that you are less anxious. What can you do if you are rejected?

To better comprehend interpersonal distance, American anthropologist Dr. Edward Hall classified it into four distinct zones or distances. The necessity for personal space can be broadly categorized into four main levels: public distance, social distance, personal distance, and intimate distance. Engaging in casual conversation with strangers is a typical and acceptable practice, and the questioner may not necessarily perceive a problem.

Factors Affecting Interpersonal Intimacy:

Please indicate your response by circling the appropriate number.

When individuals have a common circle, they will become more familiar with each other's lives, leading to a greater range of topics to discuss. This can explain why individuals with whom one regularly interacts will have more topics to discuss than former classmates.

Value

Some people posit that relationships between people are either emotional or material. When one party is unable to provide either, the relationship may become distant. Furthermore, when an individual lacks emotional value, it may be challenging for them to impart value to another person, which may lead the questioner to perceive a lack of interest from the other person, potentially resulting in emotional reclusiveness. However, in reality, the other person may require emotional input.

Topic

When there is a greater overlap in interests and experiences, the likelihood of a close connection is increased. However, if there is a lack of common ground, it can lead to a lack of topics to discuss, as the questioner has observed. Reading books and following websites may help the questioner identify new topics.

The extent of your own workload

When we are occupied with our own tasks, it can be challenging to allocate the necessary time and energy to maintain interpersonal relationships. As a single individual, I have observed a significant shift in the intensity of my interactions with friends after getting married and having children.

I once read that relationships are inherently problematic. When we avoid causing difficulties for others, we also limit the potential for them to cause us difficulties.

Human connections are also a means of fostering further connections. The questioner is unlikely to be a source of concern in this regard.

Sincerity is always the best approach. I'm a person who is not inclined to speak much, but I am very active. I had a colleague who was very supportive during my pregnancy. After I gave birth, I often prepared her delicious food and listened to her concerns, which also strengthened our relationship.

It is advisable to avoid making assumptions based on one's own perspective. When we speculate about the actions of others, it can be challenging to accurately interpret their words and actions, leading to potential misunderstandings. In cases where there are genuine concerns, it is beneficial to openly address them to achieve a more constructive outcome.

Affirm to yourself that rejection is not a significant issue. When my daughter was three years old, she consistently sought to engage in play with a younger girl, but the other child ignored her. I was impressed by her resilience.

It is important to be mindful of the influence of psychological suggestion. When we give ourselves a negative suggestion, it can have a detrimental impact on our confidence, leading to feelings of self-doubt. It is beneficial to focus on positive reinforcement to maintain a positive outlook and foster a sense of warmth in the feedback we receive.

I would like to suggest the following reading material: "Between People" "The Power of Indifference" "Grit" "Burns' New Emotion Therapy" "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone" "A Change of Heart" I believe these books may provide the questioner with a different perspective.

Best regards,

Hello, question asker! I'm Jiang 61.

Thank you for trusting us and being willing to tell us your problems so that we can help you. You have a question: "I feel that I don't have deep relationships with people or friends. How come I'm so stupid?"

"After reading your description, I have some thoughts. Let's discuss them together.

1. Introduction

1⃣️, answer

You said, "First of all, thank you for answering the questions I asked earlier. The teachers and respondents have all helped me with great care, which I appreciate. I feel comforted and valued."

You were pleased that your previous questions were answered promptly and courteously, which made you feel respected and appreciated.

2⃣️, feel bad

You said, "Today when I got home, I realized that I didn't have any friends to chat with. I looked at my phone to see who I could contact, but I didn't know under what name to contact them. I felt very anxious or uncomfortable. I reviewed so many people I used to hang out and chat with, and now for some reason, we're slowly losing touch. It may be because of my personality or my emotions. As long as no one contacts me, I won't take the initiative to contact others. I may be afraid of losing control of my temper and offending people in social interactions, or I may be afraid of rejection. I really feel that I can't maintain long-term contact with friends or people I've been dating. It's exactly the same as what the assessment test said: I can't establish relationships. When I go home, I see the same kind of people who are always sulking, and it's very difficult."

I lost contact.

Many of your old friends and people you used to enjoy talking to have lost touch for some reason. You were right—it's because of their personalities.

It's because you can't control your mouth or because you gradually grew apart due to emotional reasons.

Not initiating contact

You said you're not the type of person to initiate contact with others. You're afraid of your bad temper and how it may offend people, so you don't initiate contact. You're also afraid of being rejected by others, so you don't contact them either.

3⃣️, not being able to follow a conversation

I said, "Tell me another branch." I had no intention of staying silent, so I went home to buy a gift and talked to the supermarket owner. The owner was very enthusiastic and said, "I've made money." I corrected her, saying that the boss's business would be good for the New Year. She said that it was just the high rent and so on, and that she actually couldn't make any money. I was taken aback, but I didn't let it phase me. I went home and thought about how I could have responded better.

?? Talking yourself out of a conversation

You will encounter embarrassing situations where you run out of things to say, and you don't know what to say next. When you think back on these past experiences, you will feel stupid.

I can't keep up.

You use the CPU of the brain to describe the situation when you can't catch up with the conversation. It's very vivid and allows me to understand your mood at that time.

2. Causes of loss of contact and embarrassment

1⃣️, personality reasons

You are perceived as a straightforward person who rarely makes detours and says whatever comes to mind. You rarely think things through, and it is evident that you are a radical personality.

You have a radical personality.

Radical personality traits are:

You are strong-willed, action-oriented, energetic, and achievement-oriented.

You are courageous and decisive, and you persevere to the end, undaunted by difficulties. You are highly self-disciplined.

Disadvantages: short-tempered, lack of empathy, stubborn, arrogant, and complacent.

Emotional

A radical personality is defined by emotionalism. They don't hold back when interacting with others, going straight for the jugular. They are hot-tempered and irritable. Lacking empathy, they are stubborn and overbearing, arrogant and complacent. The result is a lack of friends.

2. Social Phobia

Let's talk about social phobia.

Social anxiety is an emotional experience of discomfort, unnaturalness, tension, and even fear when interacting with people. In severe cases, social anxiety disorder patients find everyday activities such as walking, shopping, social activities, and even making phone calls a significant challenge.

They face challenges when dealing with the unknown and unfamiliar.

In this case,

The questioner mentioned that they are afraid to initiate contact with others for fear of being rejected. This shows that you have psychological burdens such as worries about dealing with people. You would rather withdraw and avoid the embarrassing situation of being rejected. This reduces the opportunity to contact others and causes disconnection.

3⃣️, The impact of life in the original family

The native family

The family of origin is the family in which one is born and raised. It is undeniable that the atmosphere of this family, its traditions and customs, the role models for children in the family, and the interactions between family members all affect how children will behave in their new family.

Interactions with others have a significant impact on our lives.

The way our original family lives affects our future lives. I bet your original family is more of a strong-willed and emotional family, where your emotions are suppressed, so it is easy to explode in the same situation. You are often interrupted when expressing yourself, so you are afraid of being rejected and not having the opportunity to practice, and it is not easy for you to catch up with the conversation.

3. What to do

1⃣️, communicate bravely.

Overcome your fear.

Your fear of communicating with others comes from your instinct. You need to express yourself more. Find people you know and express yourself to them. Don't worry about being rejected. Overcome your fear.

Be bold in your communication.

We can find different people to communicate with. We will attend more meetings and communicate with different people bravely, increasing our opportunities to communicate with strangers. Our social interactions will increase.

2. Effective communication

Effective communication is essential.

Communication is the exchange of information. It is the entire process of conveying a message to a communication object with the expectation that the communication object will respond as expected. If this process is achieved, effective communication is complete.

Verbal and non-verbal communication are both important, but non-verbal is usually more significant. Effective communication is crucial for dealing with interpersonal relationships and complex social relationships.

The following are the steps to effective communication:

Effective communication involves four steps:

Step 1: Express your feelings, not your emotions.

Step 2: Express what you want, not what you don't want. Make it clear that you are angry.

Step 3: Express your needs, not complaints. Don't let the other person guess what you want.

Step 4: Express the direction you want to go, not where you are stuck. Look at the end result.

When communicating with others, rejection is bound to happen. You can express your feelings, mood, needs, and desired direction and results in an effective way, hoping to gain the other person's understanding and support. At the same time, you can also pay attention to listening, feedback, and empathy during communication, and the other person can understand your feelings and sincerely communicate with you.

3⃣ Interpersonal relationships

Human relationships

Human relationships are social relationships that people establish in the course of their productive or living activities. These relationships impact people's psychology and create a sense of distance in their minds.

Improve your interpersonal relationships.

Improving our interpersonal relationships reduces interpersonal conflicts and disputes. We can improve our interpersonal communication skills to improve our relationships. We must seek common ground while reserving differences, treat others with sincerity, respect others, and be strict with ourselves. We must communicate with various people in our lives and work, establishing good interpersonal relationships. We must listen, empathize, communicate consistently, and communicate effectively.

Questioner, you can improve your interpersonal relationships. Express your wishes boldly and effectively. Respect others. Seek common ground while reserving differences. Your concerns about easily affecting relationships or being rejected due to your temper will improve. Believe that you and others are people who want to communicate and build relationships with each other.

I wish the original poster a happy life!

I want to know why you're feeling anxious.

You are very self-aware and can feel your own feelings. You describe these feelings as anxiety and discomfort.

You feel uncomfortable because you're anxious about your self-worth and social skills, particularly when it comes to choosing a name to contact others.

2. Do you feel lonely?

You want to find a friend with whom you can chat, but you find that none of your many contacts are suitable. You are lonely. You long to establish deep relationships and connect with the outside world.

3. Who is important to you?

You said you don't know why you slowly stopped contacting people you once had a connection with. Those people are not the important others in your life. You must contact and maintain a relationship with the right people. If you did that, your feelings would be different.

4. You have an unconfident self-perception and evaluation.

You are worried because of your personality, temper, emotions, passivity, your fear of offending people, your fear of rejection, and the fact that you have taken assessments that have twice confirmed that you cannot establish relationships.

You lack confidence, which may be related to your family of origin, the feedback you receive from people around you, or your upbringing. You can explore yourself.

I'm going to tell you something important. There are two ways of thinking in the world: fixed thinking, which believes that things are just the way they are and are not easily changed, and growth thinking, which believes that the past and the current situation do not represent the future. Development looks at dynamics and change, and develops oneself. Which one will you choose, wise one?

5. You need to change the status quo.

You feel bad when you mope around all day. You don't like it, and you want to change. You just need to figure out how.

6. You go home to buy gifts and have a stiff conversation with the supermarket owner. You can't pick up the conversation, and you say to yourself, "I'm not stupid."

You've probably noticed that the way you respond influences the other person to respond to you in a similar way. If you reply, "I will definitely earn more this year, thank you,"

A grateful heart and a mouth full of good words have the power to influence others. This is a skill called the way of speaking, which anyone can learn. With the right mindset, you can think good, speak good, and do good, and achieve anything you set your mind to.

You will gain more and more confidence and happiness. ☺️