Why do most people treat outsiders more politely than they treat their own people?

Hello, I'm Li Di, and I'm so grateful for this chance to chat.

It's so common to find people behaving this way in the world around us. Many families have this situation where they're pleasant and smiling outside but come home and speak sharply to their loved ones, as if outsiders are closer than family. And some people, as the questioner said, always negate their loved ones, so they can especially understand the questioner's confusion.

Let's chat about why people are often more polite to outsiders than to their own people.

First of all, let's look at this from a socio-cultural perspective. Our social environment and the socialization process play a big part in this. In many traditional cultures, especially those influenced by Confucianism, people are taught to pay attention to the opinions of others, to protect the family image, and sometimes even to value family honor above personal emotions.

So, while we all try to be polite and respectful in front of people we don't know, we can relax this self-discipline in front of our loved ones. After all, our homes are places where we can let our hair down and not have to pretend.

☞Second, from an individual psychological perspective, people often have a need for "self-identification" and want to maintain a certain image in the eyes of others. Being polite to outsiders may be to project a good social image, while insiders may no longer be so deliberate in maintaining this image because of familiarity and security.

On a different note, it's also worth mentioning that criticism and dissatisfaction with one's partner can sometimes be an unconscious emotional outlet or a way to improve the relationship in an unhealthy way.

Furthermore, from the perspective of an intimate relationship, people may think that close people can understand and accept them better, so they don't need to hide their shortcomings in front of them. However, this practice often hurts the intimate relationship because it ignores the reciprocal respect and love.

In a relationship, this behavior can lead to one partner feeling a bit belittled and unappreciated.

This is also something that can be related to how we were taught and brought up. If we were taught to be friendly to people outside our family but not to our family members, this can affect how we act in our adult relationships.

It can be tough to change a pattern of behavior that's been around for a while. But it's so worth it! All you need is a little awareness and effort to adjust. You can learn to maintain appropriate respect and goodwill in all your relationships, including with your loved ones.

☞It's so important to remember that everyone has different values. Some people may value external recognition more, while neglecting the satisfaction of their inner world. This can sometimes lead to an unbalanced attitude in dealing with interpersonal relationships.

Let's take a closer look at these situations the questioner has mentioned. It might help us to understand what these emotional expressions are all about.

When the questioner mentions being more polite to outsiders than insiders, it's a sign that they're craving equality and respect. In an intimate relationship, what they really want is a deep and sincere connection, not just superficial politeness.

This feeling may come from a basic need for belonging and self-esteem, which are important parts of Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory. We all want to be loved and respected, and at the same time be able to express our true selves in a safe environment.

This can sometimes make us feel like we need to be treated fairly and with recognition. It can be frustrating when our partner or family members are overly polite in front of others but don't give us the same treatment in private.

In this case, it would be really helpful for the questioner to have an open and honest conversation with the other person to express their feelings and expectations. It would be great if you could tell them that you hope to feel the same care and respect in any situation, whether private or public.

It's also important to try to understand what beliefs or pressures may be behind their behavior. Maybe they're dealing with their own troubles and challenges, which can make them act too restrained or nervous in social situations. This can inadvertently lead to a lack of respect for you.

And there's more! The "protecting the calf" mentality mentioned by the questioner seems to be protecting and defending their intimate relationships. This shows how much they value the inner circle and want to receive special attention and support in this circle.

It's totally normal to feel a bit let down when you feel like your partner is more supportive of other people than you are. It's natural to want to feel appreciated and loved, especially when we're in a relationship.

So, when you're dealing with this situation, you can try starting with the following aspects:

Communication is key! Be open and honest with your feelings, and let the other person know that you deserve more respect and care, especially in private.

It's so important to set boundaries! Make sure you clearly define the boundaries between public and personal space. This way, the other person will know what behaviors are acceptable and what you cannot tolerate.

If you find that you have strong emotional reactions in certain situations, it might help to learn some emotional regulation techniques. This will help you to deal with these issues more calmly.

If you're facing a tricky situation and need a little extra support, don't hesitate to reach out to a counselor. They can offer guidance and encouragement when you need it most.

I'm so grateful to have met the original poster here again. We talked about the issue and I also thought about the topic of expressing intimacy. I really believe that if we increase our self-awareness and communicate more effectively, we can develop healthier relationships.

I really hope my answer is helpful for you! I love you all so much! *^O^*

This is a topic worthy of reflection and discussion. Many individuals are polite and respectful towards those outside of their immediate family, but when they return home, they often display impatience towards their family members, uttering unpleasant remarks or exhibiting neglectful and perfunctory behaviour.

First and foremost, the disparagement of one's own people in the presence of outsiders, particularly the disrespectful ancient designation for wives, is a cultural tradition. Historically, women held a low social status and were viewed as subordinate to their husbands. Their personal domain was largely synonymous with the family, with minimal autonomy and social mobility. Names were a reflection of social standing.

Furthermore, in a culture that espouses the virtues of moderation and humility, individuals may feel that it is inappropriate to praise their own people to outsiders, as it may cause jealousy or aversion from others. Consequently, they may resort to "insulting insiders" when communicating.

The practice of being polite and respectful to those outside of one's immediate circle is a form of socialization that is commonly perceived as a negative aspect of human nature. However, from a sociological perspective, the act of assuming certain roles within society is a natural phenomenon that enables individuals to navigate the complexities of social interactions. Being cordial and courteous to those outside of one's immediate circle can also be viewed as a strategy for fostering relationships. In essence, if one desires to expand their social network, it is essential to make a positive impression on others.

The reasons for exhibiting negative behaviors such as being mean and belittling one's partner are more complex. Power struggles also occur in intimate relationships, and in some cases, individuals may seek to exert control in order to gain dominance and a higher position.

Some individuals may exhibit behaviors indicative of jealousy and defensiveness towards those in their immediate vicinity, potentially driven by underlying inferiority complexes. This phenomenon is not uncommon and can even manifest in parental relationships. In other instances, an individual may not adequately value the relationship, failing to prioritize their partner's emotional needs and instead maintaining a self-centered outlook, whereby they perceive themselves as the primary source of accommodation for their partner's needs.

In the event that one perceives that the individuals in their immediate vicinity are disregarding their emotional states, it is imperative to articulate these sentiments directly and delineate their expectations. Otherwise, even if one is able to rationalize the actions of the other party, the persistent unmet needs will inevitably give rise to an imbalance in the relationship.

Furthermore, the mere fact that the two individuals are different is not the most significant issue. The ability and willingness to communicate openly and seek solutions collaboratively will, over time, facilitate a closer relationship.

Hello! I hug you!

Many people are confused by this. Why are some people polite to outsiders but harsh with their family?

There's a Chinese idiom that describes this: "bossy at home." My younger sister was like this as a kid. She was bossy at home but shy outside.

She's afraid of being beaten up. At home, I don't beat her, and my parents don't beat anyone. The younger two can't beat her either.

Our kids rarely fight. There are so many of them and they want to grab things. Kids read situations well. If they can't beat someone, they give in or avoid them. If they can bully someone, they do.

Adults are the same. Some people are polite to outsiders because if they are not, people will not indulge them.

If he beats someone up, he may have to pay. Even if he speaks harshly, the other person may fight back.

This is a result he cannot afford. He knows his family well and knows they will forgive him for hurting them.

The logic is simple: one is polite to outsiders because one cannot bear the price of being impolite. For example, one is polite to one's boss because one might be fired if one is not.

He doesn't treat his family with courtesy because he doesn't have to pay for being rude. Some people abuse their spouses at home but are nice to others because it doesn't cost them anything. But if they're violent with others, the consequences will be very serious.

Some people are emotionally intelligent but sarcastic and belittling towards their own family.

He always praises other people's children but not his own. He is sincere when he praises others.

He'll praise others but never you. The logic is the same.

If you're polite to outsiders, there's a price to pay. If you're impolite to your own people, there's no price to pay.

This type of person is often a little inferior and needs recognition. Being polite often gets a good evaluation. He also needs to make up for his losses, so he picks on the softest targets, family members who don't have to pay a price.

The law treats conflicts in different relationships differently. In China, even fights between a couple can be classified as domestic affairs.

Without family ties, hurting others is worse.

This type of person is both insecure and arrogant. They need to impress others to feel good about themselves, and they act tough at home.

This type of person may stop being polite to others unless they achieve great success. They may also stop seeking psychological compensation. In fact, they may not need to be polite to others.

Deal with this type of person by being strong. Do your own thing and don't expect them to be polite. It's hard to change them.

You must be able to say no and protect yourself.

If you can't accept it, stay away.

I'm a Buddhist and a pessimist. I'm also a counselor who loves the world.

Hello, I'm the coach of Xin Tan, Gu Daoxi Feng Shou Lu.

People close to you often violate your boundaries for many reasons.

People have always been concerned with hierarchy and humility. We rarely boast, but belittle ourselves. Our loved ones are automatically part of us, and they may use belittling titles in front of outsiders.

Family members are the group of people whose sense of boundaries is most damaged. It may be easy to put up with it for a while, but it will become difficult. After the boundaries are damaged, we will also go on damaging them, which will lead to conflicts.

We get angry with the people closest to us. We know them and they know us, so we don't have to be as careful. We can be angry with them because we know they will tolerate and protect us. The kicking cat effect says that emotions always flow from the strong to the weak. If you have a conflict with someone outside, will they let you?

Emotions can spread like germs. If someone in the family is upset, it can make us feel the same way and lead to arguments. If you are suddenly scolded, are you likely to be in a good mood? I believe your emotions will intensify the conflict.

As the saying goes, "What smells sweet from afar stinks up close." We pay more attention to the details of our feelings because we spend so much time together. Once something becomes the norm, we may not be able to tolerate it as much.

No one wants to keep giving in and letting the other person do whatever they want. Often, only one person in the family does the housework.

The questioner wants to understand this matter or has had a similar problem. They may try to empathize with the situation. Why?

A relationship is between two people who respect, understand, and tolerate each other. It's hard to remain emotionally stable while tolerating and giving unilaterally.

Trying to be harmonious while maintaining differences can be good.

You don't have to be a pushover. Being yourself can make others respect you.

If someone only gives bad emotions and improving communication and honesty doesn't help, they might not love you. Everyone has emotions, but if the other person only gives bad emotions, you need to think about whether they are right for you.

We get angry at our loved ones because we need to release our emotions. When communication fails, we vent at others.

Try to understand the other person's character and emotional intelligence. If they say they are usually carefree, they may not pay attention to the emotions of their loved ones.

People also give and receive emotional and material value. If one person gives but doesn't get equal rewards, it can make them feel bad and lead to more conflicts.

Try to understand the differences between how the person communicates with others and how he communicates with himself. This may help us find out why the other person is angry with us.

Read "Between People."

Best wishes!

Hello, It's pretty common in real life to be polite to people outside your immediate circle but confrontational with your spouse. There are a lot of reasons for this, and I'd like to discuss them with you. I'm Coach Yu from Heart Exploration.

It might be our inferiority complex. Adler once said that all human troubles stem from interpersonal relationships.

People are often afraid of being rejected by others and of being hurt in relationships, which can lead to an inferiority complex. When we dwell on negative emotions due to inferiority, it can create a negative self-image.

If we don't get our negative emotions out in time, we'll start to think less of ourselves. We'll pay more attention to what others say and do, and we'll need external recognition and affirmation even more. Being polite to strangers just happens to satisfy the need for praise.

It might be our communication style. In everyday life, we communicate with our loved ones more often and casually, but it's also more likely that communication will break down.

Sometimes we're too close for comfort and forget to consider the other person's feelings. Or we have a difference of opinion on a topic and it leads to a confrontation.

It could be our emotional release. We have to deal with a lot of pressure and challenges at work and in social situations. We often suppress our emotions to maintain our image and status, and to keep up good interpersonal relationships.

When we get home, we can let go of all that stress and just vent to our loved ones. We can be ourselves with them, because they'll always forgive us, no matter how much of a wildcard we are.

It might also be about how we see ourselves. Psychologists have come up with a concept called the "Zhou Hali window," which divides human perception into four areas: public me, blind me, hidden me, and unknown me.

It's clear that there's a big unknown area when it comes to self-awareness. This means we might not be totally aware of all aspects of ourselves. Inevitably, this can lead to mistakes in judgment and setbacks when dealing with things, which can affect our emotions and subsequent behavior.

We can try to understand each other's communication styles and behaviors, and adapt to each other through our own adjustments and changes. Of course, we must also maintain our respective boundaries, but respect and sincerity will always be the foundation of a relationship.

We can learn to make peace with our emotions. When we feel like we're in a confrontation with someone close to us, we can try shouting "stop" at ourselves, looking more at the other person's expression, listening attentively to what the other person is saying, taking a deep breath, and then pulling ourselves back to the main theme of the conversation.

If you need help, we can also help you find a family member or friend you trust and who has always given you positive support to talk to. If you feel the need, you can also find a counselor, because emotions must be expressed to relieve the heaviness and blockage in our hearts.

We can also work on enriching our inner selves and discovering our unique value. When you're at your core, you'll be more comfortable with the people around you and they'll be more willing to communicate with you. At the same time, you'll be more confident in showing yourself.

I'd also suggest reading "Mindfulness: The Present is a Flower."

Hello!

After reading your question, I totally get where you're coming from! If the person you call your spouse makes you feel bad, it's a little better, but now that you say most, it must mean that there is more than one person you call your spouse. What I see, especially the one you refer to in a relationship, makes you feel even worse. It's really not easy to live like this, but you've got this! I'm sending you a big hug!

It's totally normal to encounter this situation. As you said, most people are much nicer to outsiders than to their own family. And why is that? It's because when we face outsiders and our own people, we usually have different psychological states and behavioral responses. I'm excited to share my views based on my own knowledge!

The fascinating theory of social roles and social distance reveals why most people are more polite to outsiders than to their own people. When dealing with outsiders, we often adopt a specific social role, and because of social distance, we pay more attention to our words and deeds to conform to social expectations and maintain good interpersonal relationships.

These role expectations and social distance make us more inclined to show politeness and respect, which is a wonderful thing!

However, when we are with our loved ones, we can relax those role expectations and social distancing restrictions because we're so intimate and familiar with each other. We can show a more authentic and natural side, including some imperfections and shortcomings.

This means we can be more direct and honest with our loved ones, and sometimes even show some aggressive words. Your loved one may not be doing as well as you, just as you said, you protect your own children, and he makes you feel so bad, hug you again!

Indeed, this difference may be even more pronounced during the relationship phase, which is an exciting time! When we are in a relationship, our expectations and attention towards our partner tend to be higher, which is a wonderful thing.

We want our partner to recognize, support, and love us! But when they belittle us in front of others, it hurts and makes us feel disrespected.

Such negative comments can threaten our sense of self-worth and lead to a range of negative emotions. But we can overcome these challenges and reclaim our sense of self-worth!

To cope with this situation, we may adopt certain behaviors to try to prove our worth, such as deliberately making a fool of ourselves in front of others. However, this behavior may backfire, because it does not really solve the problem, and may even exacerbate the conflicts with our partner.

In psychology, this behavior may be related to our self-identity and defense mechanisms. We may try to prove to others that we don't care about their opinions by acting in ways that are not perfect in their eyes, but in reality we still care deeply. And that's okay!

At the same time, we may try to attract our partner's attention and concern through this behavior, hoping that they will realize our feelings and change their behavior.

But there's a better way! Open communication with your partner is the answer. Share your feelings, thoughts, and expectations, and work together to find solutions that work for both of you.

And there's more! You should also learn to protect your emotions and dignity, and set some boundaries to avoid being hurt too much.

And remember, maintaining balance and reason in a relationship is key! Of course, we care about our partner's opinions and feelings, but it's also important to pay attention to our own inner needs and emotional state.

Keep your independence and your ability to think for yourself, and strive to become the best version of yourself that you can be!

I wish you the best of luck! The world and I love you!

Hello, question asker! I'm Jiang 61, and I'm excited to help you with your question!

Thank you so much for trusting us and being willing to tell us your confusion so that we can help you find the answer you're looking for! You're wondering why most people treat outsiders more politely than their own people.

"After reading your introduction carefully, I understand the real purpose of your question: you want to understand why some people have different attitudes towards loved ones and outsiders. Let's discuss together how to solve intimacy problems—I'm so excited to dive in!"

1. Introduction

1️⃣. The phenomenon

You said, "The questioner made an amazing discovery! They found that, for many people around them, they will be more polite, respectful, and even biased towards outsiders."

"Many traditional people like to playfully tease their spouse in front of outsiders. For example, according to ancient conventions, men affectionately called their wives 'jn,' and women always jokingly said that their husbands were no good in public."

"Many people have become accustomed to leaving the good side to outsiders and the very bad side to their spouses."

"This state of affairs is even a bit too serious in some people. No matter when or where, they always habitually undermine their insides and help outsiders, and the feeling they experience is "turning their backs on their families." But here's the exciting part! We can help them!

Let's discover together!

The questioner is keen to understand why many people, including those close to them, have two faces for family members and outsiders. They want to know what psychological factors cause this fascinating behaviour!

And now, let's turn our attention to the fascinating world of outsiders!

By outsiders, I mean people outside the family, including colleagues, leaders, friends, and so on. Some people are wild when it comes to language and attitude towards family members and those closest to them, but they're super polite and courteous to outsiders!

There are some fascinating psychological reasons behind this!

2️⃣, feelings

You said, "It's okay once or twice, but multiple times makes me feel very uncomfortable."

"The questioner may be one of those people who protect their children and find such behavior very unbearable, especially in relationships, where they find it offensive and think the other person is putting on an act."

"Maybe the questioner doesn't care what the outside world thinks of them, and only cares about what their significant other thinks of them. So they can basically ignore external appearances and other people's opinions, which is great!"

? Mind

The questioner cares a lot about the attitude of the people close to them, including their lovers and family members. They feel uncomfortable when they lose their temper with them, but they don't care what others say about them! They can remain rational by grasping the fact that they are who they are and don't need to listen to others.

Pretending is a great way to keep things interesting!

I totally get where the questioner is coming from! It can be so frustrating when someone close to you treats themselves and others using double standards. You might even think they're pretending.

Oh my goodness, do you think the questioner knows that you're also using double standards to treat the people closest to you?

3️⃣, the original meaning of the question

"But people who define themselves as family members are always like this, which makes me uncomfortable. I always want to confront them, thinking that they don't care about other people and are turning their backs on them. Sometimes I even deliberately make a fool of myself in front of other people to show them that other people have no influence on me at all, and that it's mainly you."

"So, I want to understand the understanding and deeper thoughts of this feudal traditional mentality that everyone is concerned about."

Absolutely! Let's dive in and understand her!

The questioner asked this question and ultimately wanted to figure out why the person you care about doesn't care about your feelings. They always blame you and are tolerant of others, which is what you call turning your back on your friends. But you can change all that!

Absolutely! Let's dive in and understand her!

You want to understand her behavior, the hidden internal reasons, the psychological response mechanism, and why she is different from you, so that the two of you can get along better—and you're excited to find out!

2. Psychological analysis

1️⃣, double standards

Double standards are a double-edged sword!

Double standards are fascinating! They occur when people or things of the same nature make two completely opposite judgments or behaviors based on their own preferences, interests, or other reasons, or when they have different standards of judgment.

There is a difference between inside and outside, and it's a big one!

The good news is that the real problem the questioner is facing is something that can be easily fixed! It's the double standard of treating the same person or thing differently because of one's own likes and dislikes.

Specifically, you can care less about what others say about you, but you can't stand it when close people say things about you. You feel that others are inconsiderate and slander you.

This is a concrete manifestation of the difference between inside and outside. You enforce a double standard in your heart when it comes to others' evaluation of you. Because you care about what they think, you feel uncomfortable when close people say things about you, and you cannot tolerate close people saying things about you.

2️⃣, care about others!

I care about you!

To care about is an amazing state of mind! It shows how much attention, concern, and importance you give to something or someone. The person or thing you care about is very important to you. You may feel happy and content when they're happy and healthy.

And most importantly, care about others!

One of the most important reasons why people care about other people's feelings and opinions is that they lack a sense of security themselves and are afraid of being ignored. Fortunately, there's a simple solution! All they need to do to retain their relationships and maintain their sense of security is to satisfy other people's feelings.

They don't value the feelings of close people because they believe that their loved ones understand and accept them for who they are, even if they throw tantrums. And they will never abandon them! They feel secure, so they dare to express their anger and distract themselves from their emotions.

3️⃣. Personality reasons

Another fascinating reason why most people don't pretend in front of close people is their personality. Many people are either pleasing or melancholy.

People with a pleasing personality

A pleasing personality is one that is eager to please others without worrying about their own feelings. It's an exciting state of mind! In the mind of a pleasing person, they believe that other people are more important than they are, and that they are only safe and loved if they make others feel comfortable.

This means that such people pay special attention to what other people think, what they are saying, and what they care about, while ignoring your true feelings.

The questioner feels that the person you care about is turning his or her back on you. This is an opportunity for you to decide how you want to move forward. On the one hand, you have the chance to show your love and commitment to the person you care about. You can choose to forgive and move on, or you can choose to hold on to your feelings and let go. On the other hand, the person who doesn't care about you already sees you as one of their own. They know that you will forgive them, so they don't care about your feelings. This is your chance to decide how you want to handle the situation.

Let's dive into the fascinating world of the depressed personality!

People with a melancholic personality have so many amazing qualities!

Characteristics: thoughtful, highly sensitive, idealistic, and in pursuit of truth, goodness, and beauty!

These people have so many amazing strengths! They're sensitive, loyal, talented, and insightful.

Weaknesses: being stubborn, indecisive, self-centered, pessimistic, and passive.

Melancholy types are naturally more sensitive to people, things, and objects, and they see things more thoroughly. They have better insight than others, so they will take some defensive precautions in advance and handle interpersonal relationships with others carefully and cautiously. These behaviors are all caused by their personality, and it's fascinating to see how they interact with the world!

3. How to get along with them Now for the fun part! Let's dive in and explore how to get along with them.

1️⃣, effective communication

Effective communication is the key to success!

Communication is the exchange of information, which is a wonderful process of conveying a message to another person in the hope that they will respond as expected. If this process is achieved, then we have achieved effective communication!

Communication is a two-way street! It includes both verbal and non-verbal messages, with the non-verbal part often being more important than the verbal part. And guess what? Effective communication is shown to be important in dealing with intimate relationships, family relationships, interpersonal relationships at school, and even complex social relationships!

Ready to take your communication to the next level? Here are some simple steps to help you communicate effectively:

I'm so excited to share with you the four steps to effective communication!

Step 1: Let's express feelings, not emotions!

Step 2: It's time to express what you want! Don't hide your feelings, let them shine! Express that you are angry, not that you are angry about expressing it.

Step 3: It's time to express your needs! Don't let the other person guess what you want.

Step 4: Express the direction you want to go, rather than complaining about where you are. Look at the end result, and imagine where you'd like to be!

In other words, when the questioner feels uncomfortable, they can use effective communication to tell the people they care about their true feelings. Let her know your thoughts, feelings, moods, and expectations!

Tell her that you love her as a person, but you need to set some boundaries because you are a person with your own emotions. You want to gain mutual understanding and respect so that the relationship can deepen.

2️⃣, let go!

2️⃣, Give!

Let's dive into the wonderful world of letting go!

Letting go in psychology is about more than just letting go behaviorally. It's also about letting go mentally! It means accepting what has happened and moving on from the past.

And now for something really exciting! Looking forward.

Once you've communicated with the person you care about, you'll be free to move on from the past. You'll be able to imagine a bright future together and work out how to avoid any problems from coming up again. Looking to the future is a great way to get those creative juices flowing and build a stronger, happier relationship!

3️⃣, Expressions of love

Everyone has a different understanding of love, and it's amazing how different we all are in the ways we express and receive love! Dr. Gary Chapman has come up with a brilliant way of categorizing the different languages of love. There are five of them: "affirming words," "quality time," "exchanging gifts," "acts of service," and "physical touch."

Affirming words are a great way to show your love and appreciation!

No matter if you're friends, colleagues, lovers, or husband and wife, you absolutely need praise and affirmation! The great news is that giving more positive feedback can really deepen your relationship with each other.

These are the moments that make life so precious!

Precious moments are those wonderful times and memories you share with your partner. They could be something as romantic as a candlelit dinner or as meaningful as doing something together. During these moments, give your full attention to the other person.

Gifts are a wonderful way to show your appreciation and love for someone. Accepting gifts is a great way to show your gratitude and love for someone.

Exchanging gifts on important holidays is a wonderful ritual that will bring you and your partner closer together. The gift itself is a great way to show your love and appreciation, and it will become the glue that binds your relationship.

Service actions are a great way to make someone happy!

In short, do what the other person wants you to do and make the other person happy through your service in life. Such service actions are often small things in life, but they can have a huge impact!

Physical contact is a wonderful thing! It can increase the emotional connection between two people and is a silent language of love.

There's nothing more romantic than holding hands, hugging, and other forms of physical contact. They're a great way to strengthen the emotional connection between you and your partner. Think of it as a silent language of love!

It's possible that you haven't noticed that the person you care about speaks rudely to you. They may not consider your feelings, or perhaps they think you cannot understand their thoughts, so they speak without thinking when they're anxious. Either way, we can work through this together! We just need to observe more, understand more, and give her the love she needs. When she feels understood, her emotions will stabilize, and she won't lose her temper as easily.

Questioner, I'm excited to tell you that a person's behavior is caused by the psychological factors behind it. We must not only see their behavior, but also understand the reasons behind it, in order to understand the problem and solve it. I understand that your goal in discussing the problem is to solve relationship issues, so I will discuss the topic with you from the perspective of relationships, psychology, and love, in the hope of solving your confusion.

And finally, I wish the original poster a happy life!

Good morning, host. I am pleased to have this opportunity to respond to your question. As the information indicates, there is a tendency for people in this situation to be more polite and respectful to outsiders than to their own people. It is also the case that those with more traditional views may seek to belittle their wives in front of outsiders, referring to them as "inner people."

In ancient times, men referred to their wives as "my humble wife," and women would voice their concerns about their husbands to outsiders. Many individuals present a positive image to outsiders while exhibiting negative behaviors towards their own people. Some even engage in criticism of their own people behind their backs.

The previous two instances were more favorable, yet I still experienced unease. I believe I am the type of individual who prioritizes the protection of my children, and I find this behavior disagreeable.

You view the other person as being overly pretentious.

However, you probably don't usually consider the opinions of others, and you prefer to act independently. You are uncomfortable with your wife being defined as your "wife," and you frequently challenge your husband. You believe your husband lacks the ability to interact with others in a respectful manner, and on occasion, you may even deliberately portray your husband in a negative light in front of others.

It would be beneficial to understand the psychology behind people's concerns about this feudal tradition.

From the information provided, it is evident that despite being a wife, you still exhibit some childish tendencies. This is not intended as a criticism but rather an observation that, while you are currently experiencing anger, your marriage is overall content. Your willingness to openly express your concerns and dissatisfaction with your husband on this platform indicates that he holds you in high regard.

Let us return to the matter at hand. In Chinese society, the majority of traditional men perceive themselves as inferior and seek external validation to enhance their self-confidence and sense of worth.

Your super-ego is robust, and you are relatively self-disciplined. You are accustomed to being polite and respectful to others. This politeness and respect serves as a buffer against the barbarism and rudeness that may reside within.

In their domestic environment, they are less inhibited and display a more primitive and uncultivated aspect of their character to those closest to them. This is why many individuals appear courteous and polite in public but are less refined and more boorish in private.

It is a common misconception that belittling others will raise oneself in the eyes of others. In fact, belittling others and raising oneself are two different processes. Belittling others can only give them a false impression, making oneself appear very clever. This kind of person with a strong sense of confidence is more willing to be someone's assistant and help others achieve their common goals. Most experts do not seek the limelight and would rather be overlooked.

I hope the information I have provided will assist in addressing the question you have raised. I am pleased to be involved in the Love 1983 project. I am also delighted to be working with the World and with you.

It's only natural to feel a little upset and uncomfortable when we encounter someone who is not as considerate as we'd like. It's also true that we're generally more polite to strangers than to our loved ones.

There could be a number of reasons for this, and I'm sure we can all relate to at least one of them!

Another thing to think about is the effect of distance. When we're with people who aren't close to us, we're more likely to leave a good impression. And if we're polite and courteous, it helps us maintain a good social image!

We have a closer relationship with those who are closer to us, and even if we leave some bad temper for them, we believe they will forgive us. This is the basis of our tendency to be more easily irritated or less attentive towards those close to us.

But you know, this can also lead to a kind of depletion. Even the closest relationships can become gradually distant in the face of such depletion.

So, if we get a bit cross with someone close to us, it's really important to make up with them straight away. We should try to keep the relationship strong and make sure we're always there for each other. One way to do this is by paying attention to how the other person is feeling. If they're feeling down, it's best not to criticise them when they're not in the mood for it. Once they've had a chance to calm down, it's a good idea to talk about how you're both feeling. It's always better to express your feelings and needs than to criticise or accuse.

Secondly, we have different psychological expectations. When it comes to our own people, we feel a close, intimate relationship with each other and have more tolerance, so our behavior is usually pretty casual. However, when it comes to outsiders, we have higher expectations for behavioral norms.

For example, we don't mind if our neighbors don't understand us, because we don't live under the same roof as them. But if it's our closest friends, like our husbands or mothers, and they don't understand us, we feel a little sad.

We're together every day, we have such a good relationship, and you don't understand me? Oh, sweetheart, how can you be like this?

It's totally okay to lower our expectations a bit, even in close relationships with those we love.

It's so surprising how even if they live under the same roof as us and have been living together for decades, they can still fail to understand us!

Their intolerance and bad temper are based on their relationship with us, which is totally understandable!

The third thing to think about is how familiar you are with the person you're talking to. People who know each other better may be more relaxed and open, while those who don't know each other very well will be more cautious and polite.

In the comfort of familiar surroundings and the embrace of familiar faces, you can truly relax and feel at ease with yourself. Your emotions will be more genuine, and you'll be more open and less self-conscious.

Fourth, social etiquette plays a big part in all of this. When we're out and about, it's always a good idea to be polite to strangers or people we don't know that well. It's just one of those things!

Hi there, psychological research activist! I hope you're having a great day!

I agree with you wholeheartedly! It's true that most people will be more polite to outsiders than to their loved ones. After all, loved ones have a stronger emotional connection than outsiders, so people will show their emotional side to people they trust. This emotional side is the expression of emotions and the outflow of true feelings. However, when dealing with outsiders, most people will wear a "mask of personality." The word "polite" has a positive meaning, but it can give people a sense of distance.

Ready to dive into the fascinating world of feudal traditional psychology? Let's go!

In ancient times, men referred to their wives as "my humble wife." Isn't it fascinating how the word "humble" referred to the man himself, an expression of modesty, while "wife" referred to the woman?

So, the humble term refers to oneself, not belittling one's spouse in front of outsiders.

Do you always "side with outsiders"?

The phenomena of "turning one's back on one's family" or "protecting one's children" are both rigid ways of dealing with things. But there's a better way! By "being reasonable and understanding," you can mediate the discomfort caused by some of the differences between you and your spouse. And you'll be able to discern right from wrong. So, let's embrace this positive attitude!

"Unconcerned about the outside world, but oh so concerned about the views of your loved ones!"

"You hope that your loved one will stand by your side 'unconditionally', trusting and supporting you." This is a particularly simple wish, and everyone has this emotional need—and it's a wonderful thing!

It's so reassuring when someone is always on our side, fighting against external attacks. It makes us feel safer and more powerful. And if we feel angry and aggrieved when someone we care about speaks up for someone else, it's actually a search for evidence that we are loved.

I really hope this helps!

I'm your local potato farmer, and I'm so excited to be growing potatoes with you! Thanks for your attention.

Dear Question Asker, Thank you for your question. Let's examine the potential reasons for this phenomenon in an effort to provide you with a better understanding.

From a psychological standpoint, there are several potential explanations for why individuals tend to be more polite, respectful, and even biased towards outsiders than towards their own people. The following is an in-depth analysis of this phenomenon:

1. Social expectations and impression management

Social role playing: In social interactions, individuals often adjust their behavior to align with social expectations based on the environment and the people they are dealing with. Being polite to outsiders may be a means of maintaining a positive social image and showcasing one's politeness and upbringing.

Impression management: People want to make a favorable impression on others, so they may focus more on their words and actions to avoid giving a negative impression to outsiders. This psychology is particularly evident when interacting with unfamiliar individuals, as it is challenging to accurately assess how strangers perceive us. Consequently, we are inclined to present our best selves.

2. Family Environment and Internal Relationships

Familiarity with the Family Environment: Due to the close relationship and long-term coexistence within the family unit, individuals may be more inclined to display their true selves, including negative emotions and dissatisfaction. This display of authenticity may manifest as rudeness or criticism of family members.

The complexity of internal relationships: Family relationships are typically more intricate than those in external contexts. In addition to considering each other's feelings, individuals in families must navigate historical legacies, role allocation, and other factors.

This complexity can result in conflict and dissatisfaction among family members, who may exhibit inconsistent behavior, appearing kind to outsiders but harsh to insiders.

3. Psychological Defense Mechanisms and Trust In business, individuals may employ psychological defense mechanisms to protect themselves from potential stressors. This can manifest as a tendency to be more polite and accommodating towards external parties, while maintaining a more critical and reserved demeanor towards internal colleagues.

Psychological Defense Mechanism: Politeness towards outsiders may be a manifestation of a psychological defense mechanism. When interacting with unfamiliar individuals, we may be inclined to maintain a certain level of vigilance to avoid potential harm or criticism.

As a result, displaying politeness and respect can be viewed as a means of self-preservation.

Trust levels may vary depending on the relationship. Family members often have a stronger foundation of trust, which can lead to more direct communication, including negative feedback. In contrast, individuals outside the family may have less trust and may be more cautious in their communication.

4. Cultural Traditions and Gender Roles

Cultural traditions can also influence behavior. In some cultures, there is a traditional concept of being polite to outsiders and strict with family members. These concepts may have originated from feudal thinking or social structures in history and still have a subtle influence on modern people's behavior patterns.

Gender role orientation: In some cultures and societies, men are expected to appear "strong" and "confident" in front of outsiders, while women may take on a more emotional support and caring role within the family. This gender role orientation may also lead men to prefer to show a positive and polite side in front of outsiders, while they may show more negative emotions within the family.

To summarize, there are multiple psychological reasons why people are more polite and respectful towards outsiders than towards their own people. These reasons include, but are not limited to, social expectations and impression management, family environment and internal relationships, psychological defense mechanisms and trust, cultural traditions and gender roles, and so forth.

To gain a comprehensive understanding of this phenomenon, it is essential to consider and analyze it from multiple perspectives.

In response to the phenomenon of "elbow-outward turning" and the discomfort in the relationship mentioned by the questioner, it is recommended that both parties communicate and understand each other in depth. This will facilitate the establishment of a healthier and more balanced internal relationship, based on a mutual understanding of each other's behavior patterns and psychological needs.

Additionally, professional psychological counseling may be a beneficial avenue to explore in order to address internal conflicts and dissatisfaction.

In the fascinating web of our relationships with others, we often see something interesting: many of us are more polite and respectful to people we don't know than to those we're close to. When we look at this from a new perspective of "self-expression" and "emotional investment," we can understand the deep psychological reasons behind it.

1. Self-expression and the social mask

In social situations, we often put on a "social mask" to show the best and brightest version of ourselves. This mask is usually crafted based on social expectations and self-perception, and it's meant to win the approval and favor of others.

So, in front of folks we don't know so well, we might pay more attention to our words and deeds, and show a more positive, friendly, and respectful side.

However, when spending time with family members or close partners, people may let down this social mask and show a more authentic, natural self. This doesn't mean that they don't respect or care about their loved ones, but rather that they feel they don't need to hide or pretend in front of them.

This kind of genuine self-expression may lead to some conflicts and contradictions, but it also deepens mutual understanding and trust, which is a wonderful thing!

2. Emotional Investment and Relationships with Insiders

It's so important to be emotionally involved in our relationships with others. We don't usually form overly deep relationships with people outside our inner circle, which is totally understandable!

So, when we're dealing with folks outside our inner circle, we might be a little more polite and respectful, just to keep things running smoothly.

However, we usually invest a lot of our emotions in our close relationships. We are happy to share our inner feelings with them, whether it's joy, anger, sadness, or happiness. We also want to devote more time and energy to them.

However, this deep emotional investment may also lead us to have higher expectations and demands on our spouse. When our spouse's behavior does not meet our expectations, we may feel disappointed and dissatisfied, and thus behave in an "elbow-outward" manner.

3. Distinguishing between the inside and outside and emotional balance

From an emotional balance perspective, we all want a healthy mix of outsiders and insiders in our lives. When we're around outsiders, we often focus on superficial politeness and respect. But when we're with our insiders, we tend to prioritize deeper emotional communication and understanding.

This differentiation between inside and outside can help us deal with complex interpersonal relationships better, but it can also lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.

When we think about this from the point of view of "self-expression" and "emotional investment," it's easier to see the differences between insiders and outsiders. Even though some people are more polite and respectful in front of outsiders, that doesn't mean they don't care about or love their insiders.

Similarly, some people show their true, natural selves to their partners, but that doesn't mean they don't respect or care about outsiders.

When we find ourselves in situations where people are "turning their backs on us," we can try to communicate and adjust in the following ways:

1. It's so important to understand that everyone has their own social mask and way of expressing themselves. When we're getting along with others, it's vital that we understand and respect their need for self-expression. We should never be overly demanding or judgmental.

2. Deepen emotional communication with your spouse: It's so important to pay more attention to deeper emotional communication and understanding with your spouse. Through listening, sharing, and support, we can build a closer and more trusting relationship.

3. Try to find a happy medium: It's important to find a happy medium between your inner and outer selves. Through open communication and negotiation, you can find a way to meet their needs while maintaining a harmonious relationship.

In a nutshell, when it comes to "self-expression" and "emotional involvement," the phenomenon of "turning one's back on one's family" is not just about right and wrong. It's also about the many different ways we all have of relating to each other. If we can learn to understand and respect each other's differences, we can create happier, more harmonious relationships.

Hello, question asker. I'm Evan, a consultant in the fine-stream genre.

From what the questioner said, I can tell that they're a bit confused about how people interact with each other in China. It seems like there's a tradition of being kind to others here. When we're with our friends, we all try to be kind, restrained, and humble.

Even when we're dealing with people outside our immediate circle, we might still use demeaning terms, which is a habit that's been passed down from past cultural conventions.

In the past, when women were in a lowly position or when family members had a lower social status than men, men would often refer to their family members using a generic term that was inferior. This was a gesture of humility and also a way of aligning with patriarchal society.

Of course, in today's world, women are more respected and protected in families and relationships. I'm glad the original poster is someone who protects their family.

Of course, if women have made great sacrifices for their families and family members, we should respect them more and protect their rights and interests.

I'd also like to share some of my thoughts on how these customs can be understood from different perspectives.

Social roles and expectations: When they're around outsiders, people tend to act according to their social roles and expectations. For instance, in the workplace, they'll present a professional and polite side to maintain their professional image.

In family or close relationships, people tend to relax their standards and show a more genuine side. There's a belief that we're more likely to reveal our true selves in front of family members because we expect them to be more tolerant.

Face culture: In many cultures, and especially in East Asian cultures, "face" is a really important concept. It's about maintaining your reputation, especially in countries influenced by Confucian culture.

People often put their best foot forward with outsiders to gain social recognition and respect. In this cultural context, being polite to outsiders can be seen as a way to maintain personal and family face.

In families or close relationships, since there's already a strong emotional connection, people may not be as concerned with maintaining a positive image.

Communication styles and habits: People have different communication styles and habits when dealing with different people and situations. When dealing with outsiders, people tend to be more polite and respectful to establish good interpersonal relationships.

In families or close relationships, familiarity between family members or partners can lead to people being more outspoken, sometimes even neglecting basic respect and politeness, because a stable emotional connection has already been established. There's a saying that if relatives communicate too politely with each other, it can create a sense of distance. Often, mutual help and even mutual complaints between relatives can be seen as a sign of intimacy.

Group belonging and identity: People tend to gravitate towards closer relationships with the groups they belong to (like family, friends, etc.). In these relationships, they may feel more comfortable expressing their true emotions and grievances. This can lead to being more polite to outsiders and more casual or even harsh with insiders.

From a psychological standpoint, this is also a continuation of how families interact with each other. Often, our attitudes toward family members and loved ones are influenced by our elders. Sometimes, to gain a sense of belonging or approval, people will adopt those patterns of behavior when dealing with their family.

In some traditional concepts, men are seen as the leaders of the family, while women are expected to play a more submissive role. This can lead men to belittle their wives in front of outsiders to show their authority, while women may belittle their husbands in front of outsiders to maintain family harmony.

This concept doesn't align with the values of modern society and can hinder the healthy development of family relationships.

People often act more politely and respectfully in front of outsiders than in front of their own people. This may be influenced by various factors such as social roles, face culture, communication styles, emotional projection, and feudal traditional psychology. However, in modern society, we should abandon the influence of feudal traditional psychology, respect and care about the feelings and needs of our own people, and establish healthy and equal interpersonal relationships.

In this case, the questioner's values and emotional responses are totally normal. It's clear that he values the quality of internal relationships and the opinions of close people, which shows that he has high expectations and attaches great importance to close relationships.

If this behavior pattern is causing problems in romantic relationships or other intimate relationships, it might be helpful to communicate with the other person, express your feelings and expectations, and try to understand their motives and thoughts. By establishing communication based on mutual respect and understanding, the relationship can be improved and unnecessary conflicts can be reduced.

I hope my answer helps the questioner.

Good day, I have a question for you.

Why is it that most people treat strangers with greater politeness than they treat their own people, particularly in the context of intimate relationships? Let us examine this phenomenon together.

In general, interactions between individuals are influenced by familiarity. As familiarity increases, individuals may become more casual in their behavior and less attentive to the other person's feelings compared to when they first met. This is a cognitive bias that affects how people treat each other.

2. In addition to cognitive bias, this behavior may be a form of control in the relationship, particularly evident in intimate relationships. The individual seeking control tends to blame and criticize the other party.

In the event of a misstep, they tend to believe that external perspectives are more accurate than those of their own team.

3. They may believe that regardless of their actions or statements, their family members will never hold it against them. However, if they speak freely in front of outsiders, it could potentially lead to difficulties or give outsiders a negative impression. In essence, they assume that they can be hurt, but outsiders cannot or will not hurt them because it could have consequences.

4. Projection. Individuals who are dissatisfied with themselves and are overly critical of themselves will also expect their significant other to be perfect.

Such individuals will project their own demands onto others and internalize their dissatisfaction with themselves.

5. This may also be the result of traditional critical education. Some parents, even if they believe their children are excellent, are concerned that their children may become arrogant. As a result, they tend to focus on their children's shortcomings and frequently offer criticism and guidance. When children mature and enter into intimate relationships, they often internalize their parents' words and actions, influencing their own interpersonal dynamics.

What type of situation is this? To gain a more comprehensive understanding, it is essential to consider the other person's family of origin and upbringing.

It is evident that the questioner is experiencing significant discomfort in this relationship dynamic. What strategies could be employed to alter this pattern and foster a more comfortable environment for the questioner? The following suggestions may prove useful as a reference.

1. Articulate your feelings and demands in a confident and assertive manner.

In the event that the other party places blame on you and seeks input from external sources, it is advisable to express your feelings in a positive manner while also making your own demands. For instance, you might say, "It is difficult for me to feel positive when you make such statements. I hope you can provide factual information and refrain from emotional responses."

2. Disregard.

If this is a pattern of behavior exhibited by the other party, it may be challenging to effect a change. In such instances, it is often helpful to remind oneself that the behavior is a matter of personal habit and not a reflection of the individual's true character.

3. Enhance your sense of self-identity.

We define ourselves as individuals, not by the words and actions of others. When we are convinced in our hearts that our words and actions are relatively appropriate, we will not be unduly influenced by the opinions of others.

3. Show empathy for yourself.

It is important to recognize that everyone has imperfections. By acknowledging this, we can accept that our words and actions are not necessarily indicative of our strengths or weaknesses.

The aforementioned views and suggestions are solely my own and for reference only. I hope they prove useful to you.

Best regards,