Why do people tend to remember the pain when there are conflicts in interpersonal relationships?

Hello! From what you've told me, it seems like your boyfriend would really appreciate it if you could be a little more comprehensive and objective when you look at the conflicts between you. It's so important to remember that even though you might have a small disagreement, it's still really important to recognize all the effort he's putting in. He also makes a great point about how emotions can intensify conflicts, which I think we can all relate to!

These are some of the issues that might come up:

It's totally normal to feel like you can't focus on the matter at hand when you're dealing with conflicts. We've all been there! Sometimes, we might even bring up old issues, which can make the conflict more complicated and difficult to resolve. It's important to remember that when we bring up past events, we're actually trying to tell the other person our demands and needs by giving examples. But, if we focus on past events, we might inadvertently focus on the person themselves, rather than the matter at hand. In that case, I'm the protagonist, and you're focusing on me and my actions, while ignoring the matter itself.

Your boyfriend might feel attacked when you bring up past events, even though you're just trying to share your feelings. It's important to remember that he cares about the incident, too.

Your boyfriend is focused on people, bless him! The next time this happens, you can become aware of the discomfort you feel and express it directly. If you want to give an example, it's best to use someone else's Amway example and not mention something that has already happened.

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2. We all get caught up in things sometimes! It's possible that both of you may not have paid attention to and adjusted your emotions in time when a conflict occurs, which can cause emotions to affect the judgment and handling of the problem.

I've got a few suggestions for you that I think you'll find really helpful in this situation.

When you and your boyfriend have a disagreement, it's important to take a deep breath, focus on the issue at hand, and try not to bring up past events.

2. It's really important to listen to your boyfriend and show him that you understand how he's feeling. Let him know you care about what he's thinking and that you agree with him.

3. Have a chat together about how you can keep your cool when you're feeling down. You could try taking a little breather to calm down, or just going for a walk to clear your head.

4. Make sure you regularly chat about all the great things you love about each other. This will really help to strengthen your relationship, so that when there are a few little hiccups along the way, you can resolve them with more confidence and patience.

5. It's a great idea to set some simple rules for dealing with conflicts. For example, you could agree not to blame each other when conflicts arise, and to avoid "cold wars." If you stick to these rules, you'll find it's much easier to resolve problems.

This is a good question. Based on your own experience and feelings, it seems that you agree with your boyfriend's point of view to some extent. However, you may have difficulty understanding or explaining why he tends to remember the pain. What he feels and observes is a common phenomenon. Even if you may have similar experiences and grievances in many situations, in specific life situations, it is inevitable to have an urge to amplify and overflow emotions. This is perhaps a problem that many people are consciously or unconsciously troubled by, and it is also a major obstacle and factor in interpersonal relationships.

It could be said that human nature is such that we instinctively seek pleasure and avoid pain. In interpersonal relationships, this manifests itself in the form of perceptions and behaviors that are similar or different, and which are judged as good or bad, and which give rise to feelings of satisfaction or dissatisfaction. In the face of such outcomes, people may feel the urge to conform to their own standards in every way, as if that were more reassuring and gratifying, and more certain.

It may be the case that painful contradictions leave a deeper emotional memory, which in turn provides motivation and incentive to change and cope.

From a psychological perspective, it could be viewed as a self-defense mechanism. It is as if you have been pricked by a thorn, and when you encounter it again, you will remember the associated memory and remember that it hurts. It serves as a reminder to yourself that this needs to be avoided and resolved, rather than repeating the same mistakes as before.

From a physiological standpoint, it is understandable that our attention is often drawn to events occurring in our immediate vicinity. This is a natural tendency that we all experience to some extent. Our focus is often influenced by the events taking place around us, which can make it challenging to evaluate and view things from a more comprehensive perspective.

It could be said that when something is close to our field of vision, we may not be able to see the larger context and make a more objective and comprehensive evaluation.

While comedy is undoubtedly a source of relaxation and enjoyment, it is often overlooked in favour of more serious works. It is not that people are inherently drawn to suffering and tragedy, but rather that they find solace and strength in the resilience of the human spirit when confronted with adversity.

It is understandable that people tend to remember pain, which is perhaps natural and inevitable. However, it would be inaccurate to assume that pain is the inevitable and sole aspect of their relationship. The ending of each other's lives and the ultimate tragedy or comedy of their own lives may be more influenced by the individual's ability to stay in or transcend the pain.

I hope you find happiness in your life.

Good day. I am Gu Daoxi, a heart exploration coach at Fengshou Skinny Donkey.

The aversion to loss principle states that the pleasure of receiving 100 yuan is far less than the pain of losing 100 yuan. It is perhaps not surprising that we will easily remember the pain. To achieve the same level of pleasure as the pain, it may require several times the effort to obtain the pain.

It is human nature to desire gentle treatment. The good behaviors that meet our expectations may make us feel justified because they have existed for so long, thus reducing sensitivity and making us feel at ease.

It is often observed that the greater the hope, the greater the disappointment. When expectations are not met, it is not surprising that the individual will be deeply affected and thus dwell on the matter.

The questioner's boyfriend's niece is aware of the positive contributions he has made, but she perceives her grandmother's actions as unfair due to the presence of a comparison point. Children lack a developed sense of right and wrong, and their primary criterion for judgment is whether they are treated well. The absence of homework does not result in chaos or distress, and the child's perception of her father's love is not influenced by external factors. It is therefore understandable that she would view her grandmother's actions as unfair in comparison.

The adult world often chooses the easier path, and children are even more inclined to do so. My niece's father follows the natural growth instinct of not restraining, which contrasts with the more restrictive approach of her grandmother. This discrepancy may contribute to her resistance.

The boyfriend of the original poster is aware of the difficulties his mother has experienced and feels sorry for her, which causes him to become emotional. The child is unaware of these circumstances and the underlying issues, making it challenging for her to empathize with the grievances of the previous generation.

As the adage goes, the mouth does not choose its words. When emotions arise, the brain will be dominated by the emotional brain, and it is not surprising that irrational behavior will be displayed. Perhaps the grandmother of my niece's child usually spoils her more than she disciplines her, so when she suddenly becomes strict, the child may not be used to it. Moreover, children in adolescence will have a rebellious mentality. The more you don't want me to do something, the more I want to do it.

Let us now return to the matter of the relationship itself.

The more severe the offense, the more likely it is to leave a lasting impression on the individual, one that may take time to fade. It may be helpful to consider the distinction between a matter of principle and a trivial issue.

It is important to note that not everyone remembers hurtful experiences for an extended period of time. Additionally, sensitivity plays a role in how much a person recalls such experiences. Those who are highly sensitive may find it more challenging to move on from past conflicts in a relationship. In this case, it would be beneficial to ascertain whether the boyfriend is a highly sensitive individual. This information could help in understanding who is more likely to be affected by such experiences: the questioner or the boyfriend?

It would be beneficial to gain an understanding of your boyfriend's family of origin and upbringing. This may assist in identifying the underlying causes of his negative emotional state. You may wish to attempt to empathize with him by, for instance, imagining a lack of parental love during your own childhood or the difficulties faced by your mother. This may encourage him to recall unhappy experiences.

When we are emotionally charged, it is challenging to calm down and communicate effectively, resulting in a rapid succession of emotions and a heightened sense of conflict. It may be beneficial to wait until you have calmed down before attempting to communicate.

It is likely not the accounts themselves that are important, but rather the original emotions that have not been properly placed and digested. When similar occurrences take place again, the emotional reactions will be similar. This is why emotional scars are difficult to heal. It is akin to an injury where the scab is picked at without allowing it to heal.

It is advisable to focus on the issue at hand rather than the person involved, and to avoid labeling or defining the other person. This may help to reduce the negative impact that conflict can have on a relationship. The saying "It's okay to argue" is also worth noting, as is the suggestion that pouring a glass of water after an argument may help to ease the situation.

It is recommended that you communicate openly and honestly, and that you understand each other's expectations and differences. When we understand each other better, it may help us to adjust the way we communicate.

I would like to suggest the following reading material: "Nonviolent Communication" and "How to Argue Properly."

Best regards,

Hello, I'm Liu Nian.

Your question makes it clear that you're confused about two conflicts between people: one between your niece and her grandmother, and the other between you and your boyfriend.

There must be something in common between the two. The conflicting parties usually care for and support each other and have had many warm and loving experiences. However, after a conflict occurs, the good experiences are forgotten instantly while the pain and hurt are especially easy to remember. This is the idea expressed by your boyfriend, and it is also what you want to confirm through communication.

Interpersonal relationships are based on shared experiences. It doesn't matter if it's parents and children, lovers, friends, or colleagues—two people with obvious differences come together based on blood ties, geography, or a common purpose, and then experience life together.

Every experience, whether good or bad, warm and positive or painful and negative, becomes part of the relationship as it develops. There's no doubt about it: positive experiences make the relationship more harmonious. And while negative experiences are not entirely without benefit, they can also become a driving force for growth.

For example, if two people are in a relationship, they are compatible in terms of personality and appearance, and they are happy together, they can get along very well very quickly. However, conflicts and misunderstandings caused by some differences can also promote both parties to get to know themselves and each other, so that they can become better people and have a stronger ability to love each other. There are both good and bad things in interpersonal relationships, and these become the cornerstone of the relationship between the two parties.

Good things are easily forgotten while bad things are easily remembered. This is true when there are conflicts in interpersonal relationships, as people tend to recall the pain. It would be more accurate to say that people are more inclined to recall the pain when there are conflicts in interpersonal relationships.

You don't just remember the pain. The good and the bad are all in your memory. When you encounter a conflict, it's easier to recall the bad experiences.

Your boyfriend is right. Sometimes we don't feel irritated, distressed, or prone to conflict because of something that has happened, but because of the accumulation of things that have happened, which have created a kind of underlying emotion that is then ignited by a trigger and explodes. Let me give you an example. You didn't sleep well at night, you woke up late in the morning, you didn't have time to buy breakfast, you were late for work, you made a mistake at work, and in the end you were scolded by your boss. At this point, your emotions finally exploded, and the past grievances and irritations welled up in your heart.

When anger or other negative emotions arise, it is essential to guide them down. Even if emotions are challenging to control, it is crucial to understand both sides of the conflict afterwards. It is possible that they simply happened to bear the brunt of the potential emotional outburst.

Let me be clear: when there are conflicts in a relationship, people tend to remember the pain. This is consistent with physiological and psychological phenomena.

It is a proven fact that there is a part of the human brain that is activated in response to crisis warnings. This is a necessary defense mechanism for human survival in nature and society. Pain is related to basic human survival, so it is in our DNA to be more sensitive to pain.

When conflict and a sense of crisis arise, they will trigger a physiological response. This prompts the individual to recall painful experiences similar to the current threat in order to better cope with the current situation.

Psychological research has proven that after encountering an important stressful event, people will ruminate. Ruminating is defined as repeatedly and passively focusing on the possible causes, consequences, or the entire process of the stressful event.

When interpersonal conflicts arise, individuals tend to dwell on the causes of the conflicts, the words and deeds of the other party, and their own response methods, etc. This rumination makes it easier to recall painful experiences related to the conflict, which in turn exacerbates an individual's negative emotional experience and makes the individual more immersed in the pain.

When rumination becomes unmanageable, individuals become stuck in a quagmire, further exacerbating painful feelings.

Finally, in interpersonal relationships, painful experiences are often accompanied by intense emotional experiences, and therefore are more likely to be remembered and retained. When conflicts arise in a relationship, these painful emotional memories are reactivated, causing the individual to experience the painful feelings again.

This is the answer to your question: "Why do people tend to remember the pain when there are conflicts in a relationship?"

I want to make it clear to the questioner that whether it is when you get along with your boyfriend or when your niece gets along with her grandmother, it is a healthy way to think positively about the happiness and unhappiness in life with love and understanding.

We must believe that happy and blissful experiences will become the foundation of a relationship. Even if they don't seem to be remembered, they become a person's values and temperament. The little niece is still young and may not be able to distinguish right from wrong, but she has been cared for and accompanied by her grandmother since she was little. The emotional connection is direct and goes beyond words. Long-term emotional interactions will not be defeated by a sugar-coated shell or two.

Believe in the emotional power of shared experiences and companionship.

That is my answer. Thank you for reading.

Hello, questioner. I can tell from your description that this is actually a relatively common situation.

In particular, the diverse intimate relationships in an extended family are affected by the people in the relationship and external pressures, which in turn affect their moods. Driven by emotions, they magnify the current conflicts or past problems, ignoring the good times. You must try to calm down when conflicts arise and avoid letting emotions dictate your thoughts and actions.

As Rigel explains, "If you pay attention, you'll see that a vicious cycle is formed between negative thoughts and negative emotions. This can quickly lead to the emotions becoming stronger and the thoughts becoming more detached from reality."

Emotional arousal in the relationship

From the text description, it is clear that the boyfriend is using this story to express his views on dealing with conflicts and remembering in relationships. It is important to look at your relationship more comprehensively and objectively. You should not just remember the conflicts and bad aspects, but also the usual harmonious and beautiful moments.

The above phenomenon is known in psychology as the "emotional arousal model." The core of arousal remodeling is cognitive restructuring. This is done through the cognitive comparator, which compares the current reality stimulus with past experiences stored in memory. When there is a mismatch between perceptual analysis and cognitive processing, the cognitive comparator generates information, mobilizes a series of biochemical and neural mechanisms, releases chemicals, and changes the neural activation state of the brain. This allows the body to adapt to the requirements of the current situation, which in turn arouses emotions.

Speak with your boyfriend more. Tell him how much you appreciate him. Work with him to find ways to handle conflicts and avoid similar situations in the future.

It is essential to understand and maintain a balance in relationships.

In a marriage, especially in the complex relationships of an extended family, both parties absolutely need a relative balance of "inner and outer harmony" to feel secure and support each other.

Let me be clear: "inner and outer harmony" is not about achieving an idealized identity free of conflict. It's about understanding and supporting each other, and then reflecting on the relationship to identify areas for improvement.

I want to know what it is and who is involved.

...will it help maintain the relationship? etc.

You can't change what's already happened. That's the past. Treat it as such. Ask yourself: "Does it concern me? Yes, what can I do to promote a better relationship?"

"Learn to say no and make room for yourself. Don't get involved in this matter!" The past is part of life. Don't let complicated interpersonal matters affect your marriage. As long as it doesn't affect the sincerity of your marriage, discuss with your partner to seek common ground and be harmonious together as a small family.

For example, your past experiences and journey as a child have equipped you with the ability to express your feelings about this matter and communicate sincerely with your boyfriend. You can work with him to navigate the complexity together, ensuring he understands your true desires and values you accordingly.

You have the right to choose whether to live with your boyfriend's family. You should focus your time on relationships and events that are worthwhile to you. Concentrate on maintaining emotional purity in your relationship.

You must try to live in the present with a positive attitude looking to the future. From now on, you should plan a unique future that the family will create together.

In relationships, cognitive restructuring is an effective way to reduce the impact of painful memories. There are specific methods you can use, including:

1) Identify the thoughts that trigger emotions and focus on the present.

Emotional instability is often related to the past. When our emotions change, they can trigger stronger reactions. For example, feelings such as incomprehension, depression, anger, sadness, and disappointment can make related memories even more profound and lasting.

These strong negative emotions are like "reinforcers" of memories, making it difficult for us to forget painful experiences. But you can stop, you can temporarily stop the outbreak. As long as you focus on the present with the right method, you can still stop here, stay with yourself for a while, and relieve yourself after moderate adjustment.

For example, I am a three-dimensional being in and of myself. Before perceiving the outbreak of emotional changes, I deliberately regulate my breathing to become "rhythmic long exhalations and short inhalations" to stop the emotions right there.

Another example is an "exposure" exercise. Before each exposure exercise, make a list of your negative thoughts and sort them. Think about what you are most worried about happening.

When doing this, you must go beyond the emotions that carry the thoughts themselves and find the card point or fear of emotional change.

Another example: Engage fully in the activity at hand. Enhance your perception of the present through mindfulness meditation, yoga, exercise, etc. This will help you reduce your recall of past pain.

2) Set goals, challenge your thoughts, and restructure your thinking.

Set a small goal first and see how you change. After consolidating for a period of time, set a new goal! A step-by-step approach will help you affirm and praise yourself while gaining the courage to challenge irrational thoughts. When thinking about important issues, such as the fear that existence is a universal phenomenon, consider what supporting evidence is available.

I will determine the likelihood of the feared event occurring. I will also identify the worst that could actually happen.

Name the other thoughts you consider cowardice. Evaluate the helpfulness of your current way of thinking.

etc.

For example, you can reduce the interference of painful memories by setting clear life goals and focusing your energy on short-term goal achievement.

Another example: Write down your painful memories and feelings. This will help you organize your thoughts, release internal pressure, and view the experience more objectively. This will also help you avoid the disappointment of expectations, which can make the pain even more difficult to forget.

3) Distract yourself and seek support and resources.

Develop new interests and hobbies, participate in various activities, online courses, training, etc., to distract yourself from painful memories. Challenge unreasonable ideas, shift perspectives to start with positive and helpful ideas, and then compare reasonable alternative ideas with previous unreasonable ideas. Implement and experience the reasonable ideas instead of the unreasonable ones, and perceive and understand the results over time.

If you can't do it at first, don't force yourself to achieve a certain level. Instead, allow yourself to "make slow progress and lie down." Remember, "slow is the relative balance of fast."

Finally, I am certain that you will learn to change your perspective and that cognitive restructuring will imprint a friendly state in your mind. Good luck!

Read Self-Coherence and Resilience. It will inspire you.

My name is Peiwen, and I love the world.