Why do we fall back into old patterns when entering a relationship, even though we are independent?

The capacity to navigate interpersonal relationships is a developmental process that commences at an early age and continues throughout the lifespan. Even after reaching adulthood and achieving independence, the patterns established during early development continue to influence our interpersonal interactions. In some cases, these patterns may be so deeply rooted that they persist throughout the lifespan.

This fixed pattern is often deeply connected to one's early years and the relationship with one's caregivers, as well as the relationship between one's parents. In most cases, one's caregivers are one's parents.

Children are particularly vulnerable and susceptible to emotional distress, a trait that has evolved as a means of ensuring their survival. They often internalize the negative emotions of their caregivers or parents, perceiving them as a potential source of dire consequences. However, those who have developed an understanding that these emotions are normal and not inherently harmful have likely encountered and processed a range of similar experiences in the future.

For example, when a baby hears its parents arguing, it will initially experience feelings of nervousness and fear, which may manifest as crying. If the parents can calm down and attend to the baby's needs, and recognize that the baby's distress is related to the parents' recent disagreement, they can calmly reassure the baby by stating, "It's not your fault that we argued just now, and it has nothing to do with you. We will try our best to resolve the disagreement." With words like these, the baby can begin to calm down as well.

From these early experiences, the child learns that negative emotions are not inherently frightening and can be managed. However, parents may find it challenging to regulate their own emotions during this period, leaving them with limited capacity to attend to their children's emotional needs.

It is not uncommon for children to attempt to cope with negative emotions by employing avoidance strategies.

The initial step in understanding oneself is to become aware of one's own patterns. This awareness allows for the subsequent learning and attempted alteration of these patterns. Additionally, it is essential to gradually comprehend and adopt new patterns in life.

I'm really happy you've noticed that you've been trying to escape from your relationship. It's great that you're aware of when you're feeling bored and scared, and that you're afraid of negative emotions.

It's so important to remember that human independence isn't just about economic independence. It's also about emotional independence. We all go through different stages of emotional development as we grow and change.

It's only natural to want to be loved and to feel like you matter. But when we're not emotionally independent, we tend to rely on others for that love and attention. When we're emotionally independent, though, we feel like we're lovable and capable of taking care of ourselves.

It's only when you're independent that you can really establish an intimate relationship with someone. And when you do, it's so lovely when both parties can trust and rely on each other!

Take a look at you and your partner. Are you both independent people? If she is not independent enough, or you are not independent enough, it might make it a little tricky to establish an intimate relationship.

It's natural to hope that your relationship will always be friendly and loving. But, as they say, nothing in life is free of conflict. Your tendency to escape from negative emotions is actually your fear. You're afraid to express negative emotions and leave a bad impression on others.

This may be related to your life experience, and it's also very likely that in your interactions with your parents, their negative emotions have given you the belief that their expression of negative emotions scares you. It's totally understandable! After all, we all crave peace and love. So this is also the way you respond later.

But emotions are just messengers. Just as emotions deliver a package, it is the message that is important. This package may be delivered due to work, out of concern, or as a threat. You can't blame the delivery person, right?

Your girlfriend's negative emotions are a result of her unmet needs, which is totally normal! Just as Dong Yuhui said in the East when selecting customers buying peaches, every unsatisfied customer actually wants to be retained.

I think if they were really disappointed, they wouldn't even express their negative emotions.

Both are independent and no longer expect others to bring them salvation. Then, after they are attracted to each other and trust each other, they'll have a healthier relationship! This is a growth process, so see if you are willing to grow with each other.

Wishing you both the very best!

Hello, questioner.

First of all, you should give yourself a pat on the back for your awakening. It's clear you've already found the answer to your question!

That's what I think.

"When I see these negative emotions in the other person, I want to escape and get away from them as quickly as possible."

This question is spot on. Your avoidance of negative emotions is a form of self-protection, and it is also a basic characteristic of our human nature to seek out the benefits and avoid the disadvantages!

I'm going to tell you why the old patterns of this relationship keep recurring. This is a classic topic of spiritual discussion.

This is the key to healing.

I don't know how old you are or how long you've been troubled by this kind of intimate relationship.

You need to be more specific. Are you talking about a romantic relationship between lovers or a friendship between ordinary friends?

Or perhaps you're talking about a relationship between colleagues in a flat?

From your presentation, it's clear you're discussing an intimate relationship between lovers. I'll focus on this aspect.

A person's pattern of intimate relationships is generally related to the mode of mother-infant attachment in the early years.

A person who establishes a relatively secure attachment pattern with their mother in the early years, from 0 to 3 years old, will easily establish

You must have more trust in relationships with others. Conversely, if the early attachment relationship with their mother was neglected, ignored,

If they are "abandoned" (forced to be fostered by grandparents or relatives), it will be difficult for them to develop a sense of trust in others.

If an adult individual is unwilling to actively establish an intimate relationship with others, it is likely due to an unconscious over-desire for intimacy.

This kind of longing is the result of a deep-seated fear that once obtained, losing it will cause even greater harm. It is a defense mechanism formed in reverse to protect oneself.

In intimate relationships, love is always accompanied by expectations. Only a mother's love for her baby is unconditional.

These emotions immediately activate your fear, prompting you to stay away from them.

Hurt and aggressive negative emotions immediately activate your fear, prompting you to stay away.

You must be aware of the negative emotions you fear most from someone in your family of origin or in your relationship with your caregiver.

A girl's reaction in an intimate relationship often stems from an early reaction to a caregiver.

Psychologists call this phenomenon empathy.

You need to break the ice.

You must first determine what accepting and giving love means to you.

This determines a person's ability to love.

It is simple to say, but not simple to do, and it is not enough. When we accept love, we usually have concerns:

I want to know if the love I'm receiving is pure and if there's any ulterior motive.

There is more responsibility in accepting the love of the other party.

Similarly, when we give love to others, we also have concerns: we worry that the other person might reject it, or that they'll be insatiable.

Love is often a natural flow and an exploration and experiment with the sense of boundaries between the two people in an intimate relationship.

If you use the love you give to others as a tool for satisfying your own selfish desires, you are committing a form of moral kidnapping.

If you give love as a rope that binds both sides without any room or distance, you are harming yourself and the other person.

This love then becomes control and harm.

Next, you must become aware of the impact that negative emotions have on you.

These negative emotions bring you fear and anger.

Anxiety?

I want to know what needs are behind these negative emotions.

I want to know when and at what age these needs were stuck and not met.

Given the limited nature of the information, the above analysis and suggestions are for reference only.

I am Consultant Yao, and I will continue to support and care for you!

Hello!

You are clearly an adult, able to earn a living and live independently, which is fantastic! However, you don't take the initiative to form relationships with others, which is something you can easily change. Your situation is inseparable from the mother-child attachment in your original family, so let's dive in and explore how you can transform it!

The way we get along with others as adults is a wonderful reflection of the mother-child attachment in the original family.

Not actively establishing relationships with others is partly the cause of an insecure attachment relationship, and partly the result of the way your parents interacted with each other, which you have imprinted on your mind. You are used to the interpersonal interaction model learned from your family of origin, so this has little to do with whether you grew up without it or not, and your ability to earn money and live independently. But here's the good news! You can change all of that!

During interactions, if you cannot meet the other person's needs, they will become emotional and directly express their dissatisfaction and unhappiness. When you see these negative emotions in the other person, you want to distance yourself from them. But why are you so afraid of negative emotions in relationships?

There is an exchange law at work here. When your friend feels that the rewards she gets from you are not commensurate with what she gives you, she will show signs of dissatisfaction. You are afraid of negative emotions in relationships because you are afraid to face them and cannot accept yourself when you feel them. But there is a way to change this!

Perhaps in your family of origin, your caregivers used to say things like, "You're so naughty, no one will like you," or "You have such a bad temper, you won't make any friends."

"Under such negative suggestions, over time, you have developed the current mode of interaction and attitude towards negative emotions.

Knowing why you are like this, you can change yourself in a targeted way. For example, you can choose to not actively engage with others, be aware of the unstable factors in interpersonal relationships, and not worry that it will bring harm to yourself. You can also choose to feel a sense of ease and confidence in your heart.

All you need to do is establish a sense of security within yourself and set good personal boundaries, and you can avoid the harm caused by interpersonal relationships effectively!

The good news is that you can overcome this challenge! The problem with being unable to accept other people's negative emotions is that you can't accept them. But you can take control by first asking yourself, "Is this a projection of my own inability to accept part of myself onto the other person's emotional response?"

You can absolutely accept yourself in this state! Take a deep breath and tune in to your emotions. Ask yourself if you can accept yourself as you are. If you can do this, you'll be able to handle your friend's negative emotions without overreacting or trying to distance yourself from them.

In any relationship, as long as you pay attention to your feelings and the thoughts that arise, you can achieve self-awareness and self-growth! Let yourself be confident and face every relationship with ease!

I am your guiding light, the world, and I love you!

Hello, host! I'm smiling!

After reading your description, I totally get what you're asking. I'm here for you, no matter what.

From what you've shared, it seems like your current relationships are influenced by your family of origin. Your attachment relationships play a big part in that, don't they?

It's totally normal to feel like a lot of the problems you're facing right now are tied to unresolved issues from your childhood. It's like they're carrying a little bit of your past with them into the present!

However, don't lose hope! These problems are not completely unsolvable, and you can definitely work through them. The fact that you're aware of the problem is a great first step. All you need is a little time and patience to find a solution. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself during the process, because that can make things worse.

I've also put together a few tips to help you feel better. I really hope they help!

(1) Take a deep breath and try to find the real reason why you want to distance yourself from and escape from negative emotions. Once you've found the reason, you'll be on your way to solving the problem!

(2) Give yourself a big hug and some courage to face the things in your heart that you want to stay away from and escape, rather than avoiding them too much.

(3) You can try to lower your expectations, because having too many expectations can sometimes put too much pressure on yourself in the present.

(4) It's okay to feel negative emotions! And it's okay for others to feel negative emotions too. Try not to suppress these feelings, as this can cause problems.

(5) Try to distract yourself and don't let yourself be in a bad situation for too long.

The world and I love you so much!

Wishing you all the best!