Why does a 22-year-old girl feel unworthy of love?

Dear colleague, put your arms around your shoulders and give yourself a hug.

1. You were sent to your grandmother's house because you were born out of wedlock and grew up without your parents' love and company. Some parents who are inconsiderate may seem to be joking when they say that you are an unwanted child. The internal damage this causes is immeasurable. Your peers' attitudes also undermined your self-esteem to a certain extent.

These are the reasons why you feel that you don't deserve love. When that sad inner child jumps out and asks for a hug, just crouch down, put your arms around their shoulders, and hold on for a while.

Take a deep breath and look at the big picture. The road ahead is wide open.

2. Affirm to yourself out loud: I'm worth it.

In the era I was born, children born out of wedlock were even taken away after birth, and it is really unknown where they were sent. In this regard, your parents sending you away was a helpless move, a last resort, and it doesn't mean they don't love you.

It would be helpful to try to understand them a little. At the same time, you also felt very happy during the time you spent at your grandmother's house, and she treated you very well.

You've grown up, sorted out your household registration issues, and you've been picked up and brought home. After so many years of separation, it's understandable that you're not very close to your parents. Maybe they also feel guilty because they couldn't keep you by their side and they don't know how to get close to you. They're afraid of being rejected if they get too close, and they're afraid that you'll feel cold if they stay away.

If you try to understand each other, you'll see that your family loves you! So tell yourself out loud: I'm worth it.

3. Don't forget to love yourself!

The world, your family, and I are here for you!

After reading the questioner's description, I felt pretty sad. The original family, parent-child relationship, these are all big social problems, but, for each of us, they're problems that require a lifetime of psychological energy to solve.

It's really unfair to spend our whole lives paying for other people's mistakes.

Luckily, starting at age 22, she gets to call the shots for the rest of her life. She asked her question on the platform, looking for support and help, which shows she hasn't given up and is ready to fight for the next few decades.

As Seligman, the father of positive psychology, said, one of the six virtues of happiness is "courage." Even when we're facing pain and suffering, we should still have confidence in the future, face life positively, and constantly strive for happiness.

We read a lot of foreign psychology articles and books, and when we're dealing with pain caused by our original family, it's a good idea to talk to your parents directly and tell them how they've hurt you. If they apologize, it can really help you feel better.

I don't think this method is very applicable in China, though. Chinese parents rarely listen to their kids without judging them or criticizing them. They rarely reflect on their own problems, and they hardly ever apologize to their kids.

I think we can learn from this approach. For example, we can write a letter to our parents, listing all the pain and hurt we've experienced over the years. This process can be very stress-relieving. Whether or not we send the letter to our parents may not be the most important thing. Writing a letter to your sensible self, especially for events that have left a deep impression on you and caused you great trauma, tells your old self that you did nothing wrong and don't have to bear any responsibility for it. What other people say and do is their own misconception and has nothing to do with you.

This process may be really painful, but it's worth it. I don't know if the questioner has read Sister Wave, but one of the sessions is asking the sisters to call someone. Yu Wenwen called her parents 33 years ago, which really helped them to open up.

Reconciliation with the past isn't about getting along with your parents and relatives. It's about healing the wounds you've experienced and moving on from them. These wounds have shaped who you are, but you can change and break free from their hold on you.

Are you looking to make every day more positive and head towards happiness? Positive psychologists have done a lot of experiments and there are many techniques. I want to share one with the questioner.

Every day, jot down three things that went well. You can use a pen, a mobile phone, or a computer—whatever you're most comfortable with.

No matter how big or small the task is, even if it's sunny today and the sky is blue, I got a great photo and I'm in a good mood.

If you stick with it for a while, you'll definitely notice a difference (it works!).

It's actually pretty simple to make changes. As long as you can make progress a little bit every day, you don't need to spend too much effort. The easier it is to do, the more likely you are to continue doing it. The longer you persevere, the better the results will be.

Good morning, host.

It is evident that you seek affection, particularly the parental love you lacked during your upbringing. Your parents were absent during your formative years, a circumstance that will likely persist as a source of emotional distress. Why did your parents choose to leave you?

During that period, it was not convenient for them to raise you, and they were unable to be there for you for a specific reason. In fact, they have a great deal of affection for you.

Your childhood friends attributed your status as an unwanted child to your immaturity and inability to grasp the complexities of the adult world. Their statements were, in fact, a means of self-reassurance.

It is evident that you have consistently experienced a sense of love throughout your life. During your childhood, you were not deprived of affection, as you resided with your grandparents. Subsequently, you were cared for by your parents during your formative years. It is clear that you have fond memories of these periods. However, there seems to be an underlying issue. You appear to have unconsciously internalized the notion that you are not adequately cared for or worthy of love. This has led you to perceive yourself in a way that is not entirely accurate. It can be said that your self-perception is influenced by a degree of bias. It is important to recognize that this bias can be gradually addressed. The process may take time, potentially spanning several months or even years. However, with dedication and commitment, you can gradually move beyond this self-identity bias. This will enable you to recognize your inherent strengths and brilliance, and to understand that you are a valuable and lovable individual.

Keep up the good work, duckling.

Hello!

Host:

After carefully reading the post, I can feel from the content that the poster feels unworthy and is somewhat lacking in self-confidence. But there's so much more to it than that! I also observed that the poster has bravely faced their own inner feelings and actively sought help on the platform, which will undoubtedly help the poster to better understand and know themselves, so as to adjust themselves and move towards self-confidence.

Next, I'm thrilled to share my observations and thoughts in the post, which I'm confident will help you, the original poster, to look at it from a more diverse perspective.

1. Let's dive deep and explore where our sense of unworthiness comes from!

The post. It is observed that the poster mentioned your incredible growth experience from childhood to adulthood, as well as your sense of unworthiness; you feel that you don't deserve love. Then, let's take a look together at why you feel this way.

Absolutely! We can look at it from a psychological perspective. In fact, after reading your story, it reminded me of a story about a left-behind child.

The story is fascinating! He talks about being able to understand his parents' actions rationally, but not emotionally, and not being able to understand why he was "abandoned." From the parents' perspective, they may not feel that they are abandoning their child, but from the perspective of many children, they are. So from the perspective of the

"Abandoned"

Guess what? It's not the kind of person who deserves to be liked and accepted who gets abandoned. It's the kind of person who doesn't deserve to be liked and accepted who gets abandoned!

I'm excited to see if you have a little more understanding of your unworthiness at this point!

When we were young, we didn't have the ability or knowledge to understand ourselves. But we learned so much from the feedback of our caregivers and others! For you, the original poster, your grandparents were very good to you, and that is your happiness.

But there are also people around us who joke that we are the unwanted children of our parents. At the same time, the fact is that our parents really have not brought us up.

Have you ever stopped to think about what a child might think? It's amazing how people who joke around may not realize that these jokes actually hurt children, and they may even believe them to be true!

And even overinterpret that it must be because we are not good enough that our parents don't want us... And this may be the source of our sense of unworthiness. In a sense, the sense of unworthiness is that we do not approve of ourselves, we do not have enough self-worth.

We don't believe we deserve good things, that we deserve to be treated well, that we deserve to be loved. But guess what? These are actually what our past experiences have taught us!

And what we have gained from our experiences is not necessarily healthy or reasonable — but it's given us the chance to grow and learn!

2. Try to adjust your unreasonable perceptions!

You mentioned that you are now 22 years old and have grown up. At this time, we can try to look back at our growth experiences. When we were young, we did not have the ability or resources to understand which parenting is reasonable and which is not. But now, for us, having grown up, we have our own thinking and cognitive systems, which is really exciting!

At this time, we have the amazing opportunity to use an adult perspective to look back on our growth experience and see what parenting styles have led to some unreasonable beliefs. We can then adjust those beliefs to make room for a more positive outlook!

This is a great way to grow and become more confident! It's important to remember that our parents' actions aren't a sign of a lack of love.

However, they also have their limitations and times when they feel powerless. They are also ordinary people, and not capable of doing everything perfectly. But after reading this, perhaps we can reconcile with our parents better!

3. Go on, try to re-nurture yourself!

We had no choice about our first birth, but we do have a choice about our second birth! We can completely adjust to our sense of unworthiness by learning to grow.

How do we adjust? The answer is simple: nourish your life in relationships and allow yourself to experience unconditional love and acceptance!

Absolutely! This is something that our parents may not be able to do now, but we can definitely try to be our own parents. We can raise ourselves again and love ourselves again!

Love yourself unconditionally and accept yourself! Especially when you are hurt, this is the perfect time to learn to care for yourself.

And of course, unconditional love for yourself does not mean indulging yourself!

For this part, if the host is interested, he or she can learn some psychology knowledge to better love themselves. And if possible, they can also seek professional counselors!

I really hope these will be useful for you and give you a new perspective. If you have any questions, you can also click to find a coach for one-on-one communication, companionship, and growth.

Hello, question asker! I'm Evan, and I'm excited to help you out.

From the questioner's description, it's clear that he has a unique perspective on his upbringing. He was raised by his grandparents since he was a child, and he didn't even have a name until he was 10 years old because he was born out of wedlock. This experience has shaped him into a resilient individual who has developed a strong sense of self-worth.

The parents' behavior towards the questioner has caused the questioner to lack confidence, be prone to inferiority, and be unable to affirm themselves. But there's so much potential for growth and change! Perhaps the situation at the time seemed unavoidable in the eyes of the parents, but it often brings depression and harm to the questioner.

I'm here to give the OP a big hug and a little strength! I hope the OP can be brave and be herself. Since the OP asked the question on the platform, I'm excited to give the OP a little simple advice based on the OP's question:

It's so important to understand the motives of the parents when they treated the original poster in this way!

I'm really curious to know why the parents of the original poster treated her like this! What circumstances made them treat her like this, to escape punishment or what circumstances?

I'm really curious to know if this is a common phenomenon in China, or if the OP is the only one who has received such treatment. I'd also love to find out more about how to treat their children, as I'm sure many parents would be interested in this too!

This model is imprinted in their hearts, and they will also bring this model into the family they form. In their minds, this is how parents should treat their children.

And the best part is, when you understand why your parents did it, you can release your emotions, treat them more calmly, and be more composed!

It's not the questioner's fault!

When the OP was a child, he was placed with his grandparents by his parents to be raised. If the OP understands and knows the motives and reasons of his parents, he should know that it is not his fault. It is more because his parents did not abide by the rules of society that the OP has suffered such treatment. But, guess what? That's in the past! The OP can now look to the future with hope and excitement.

If the questioner feels inside that when they need love the most, their parents are not there to give it to them, and they feel unworthy of love and unable to accept other people's love for them, this is an act of avoiding intimacy. This pattern was brought to you by your original family. But don't worry! The questioner can change this pattern. All they have to do is deeply believe that they are worthy of love, constantly encouraging themselves every day, telling themselves that they are worthy of love, and that it was not your fault as a child to be abandoned by your parents and left with your grandmother.

You have to know that even if the world doesn't love you, at least you can love yourself! And loving yourself can bring you the amazing self-esteem you deserve!

And the most important thing of all is to care for and respect others!

If you want to love yourself, you can try to care for and respect others first, bring happiness to others, and you will also reap happiness! The kindness you show to others will naturally be returned with kindness.

Gradually, the questioner began to feel his own value from these grateful smiles. However, remember the "anti-golden rule" of making friends: You can't always expect to get the same kind of return for the good you do for others.

There are so many ways you can share your love with others! You can share knowledge in a kind way, or donate a small amount of money for people in need or poor children.

Alipay is all about doing those small acts of kindness that we can do. And it's amazing how these small acts can make the questioner truly feel the joy and gratitude of others!

Embrace the love of others!

When others show the questioner care, praise, kindness, or give gifts, the questioner can try to accept them gladly. It's a great way to give back to others! And the main thing the questioner needs to know is that they are worthy of love.

It's so important to accept other people's kindness and gifts! It's a great way to show others that you appreciate them, and it's also a wonderful opportunity for you to give back to them. Through these conditional "loves," you can slowly start to accept the unconditional love of your parents. Just think of how your grandmother loved you, without any conditions!

Let the past be the past!

The questioner needs a fresh start! As the saying goes, "You were there, but you don't live in the past."

Many people have experienced misfortune in one way or another. But we can choose to live in the present!

Buddhist teaching says, "The mind of the past is unattainable, and the mind of the future is unattainable." So, don't get caught up in the sadness and disappointment of the past or the worries about the future! Acknowledge your feelings, but then leave them behind and move on to a brighter future!

It's time to understand why your parents treated you this way. And it's time to forgive yourself! You did nothing wrong, and you didn't choose to be placed with your grandmother.

Get active!

You can absolutely conquer those negative emotions! All you have to do is get active.

If you want to get rid of these emotions and cheer yourself up, then get active! Go outdoors to get some fresh air and sunshine and get moving. Exercise will speed up blood circulation, and the brain will get plenty of oxygen and feel more comfortable. It'll also relieve tension in the nervous system. The brain secretes a happy substance when you exercise, and you'll experience this feeling after you exercise, which will encourage you to use exercise to dispel negative emotions.

Seek professional psychological support and get back on your feet!

If you're having trouble accepting the love of others, don't worry! There are plenty of amazing psychological support professionals out there who can help. I highly recommend searching for some great psychological counselors or listeners on various psychological platforms. These professionals are there to listen to you and help you feel better. I'm sure they'll be able to change your mood!

I really think that the questioner would benefit from speaking to some humanistic counselors. They're great at helping people find their childhood again!

Embrace yourself!

Do more of the things you love! Find your life's goals and meaning in the things you enjoy. Accept yourself as you are after recovering from depression. When you're feeling down, treat yourself to something you love!

Make yourself happy, and enjoy a sweet treat! Sweet things make the body happy, and they will also make you happy. In any case, it is important to make yourself happy without harming others.

Don't let negative emotions take over your life!

I really hope my answer helps the questioner!

Good day, my name is Susan.

I would like to extend a gesture of empathy and understanding by offering a gesture of physical contact and verbal affirmation. I perceive you to be a commendable individual, albeit currently experiencing transient challenges that require time to process and reconcile with yourself. It is acceptable to acknowledge these thoughts and emotions, yet it is crucial to refrain from engaging in conflict with them.

From your description, it is evident that a significant number of your emotional needs are either lacking or being ignored. Consequently, you have developed the ability to conceal your needs, accommodate the expectations of others, and assume the role of an "understanding" child, with the hope of receiving a modicum of parental care in return.

Nevertheless, prolonged neglect and repression of emotional needs can result in individuals becoming inferior, insecure, sensitive, or indifferent. When a child matures, if their emotional needs remain unmet, they must learn to address the emotional needs of others instead. This represents a dual challenge: on the one hand, there is the suppression of their own needs, and on the other, there is the necessity to act in a manner that differs from their natural inclination in order to interact with others.

It has been observed that individuals may lose touch with their true selves as a result of prolonged neglect or mistreatment by their parents. This can lead to a sense of inadequacy and a distorted self-perception, whereby the individual may feel that they are undeserving of love and acceptance. This phenomenon has been described as a form of emotional neglect, whereby the emotional needs of the child are persistently disregarded, leading to a maladaptive self-evaluation.

An individual who has not experienced love and adequate self-care may find it challenging to cultivate self-love.

It is important to note that the original poster's grandparents likely have a strong affection for him or her, and that the decision to leave him or her with his or her grandmother may have been a difficult one for his or her parents. It is possible to reconnect with one's authentic emotional needs and feelings, express one's feelings to one's parents in an honest manner, and, in the process of spending time with them, experience their love in a way that may not be expressed in words. It is not uncommon for parents to lack the ability to express their love for their children.

I recall a conversation with a friend in which I unburdened myself of the pain and anguish I had been carrying since childhood. In that moment, I experienced a profound sense of catharsis, as though I had finally released a burden that had been weighing me down for years.

I previously held the belief that I was inherently weak and undeserving of positive circumstances.

However, my friend asserted with conviction, "No individual is inherently unworthy of love." I firmly believe that you possess considerable worth and are deserving of love. It is merely a matter of recognizing this intrinsic value within yourself.

Furthermore, I wish to present this to you here.

I came to understand that if I could gain sufficient understanding, I would be able to identify the source of my sense of well-being. When I am confronted with chaos, the opinions of others, and self-criticism, I am better able to make my own decisions about what to retain and what to discard.

Following that night, it appeared to me that I observed a glimmer of illumination amidst the prevailing darkness. It is my hope that you will endeavor to express your emotional needs and feelings in a more genuine manner, cultivate self-love, break free from the constraints of your family of origin, and release the shackles that bind you. I believe that you will experience a sense of increased lightness. There exists a vast spectrum between the actions of trying and not trying. Perhaps you will find the courage to effect a change. Engaging in activities such as reading, exercise, conversation, and maintaining a journal can be beneficial, provided that they align with your personal needs and preferences.

I extend my best wishes for a pleasant morning, afternoon, and evening. Self-love is the foundation of a lifelong, fulfilling relationship.