Why does my husband pass on negative comments about something someone else said my wife bought to her?

Hello, question asker!

I can see that this incident triggered your emotions when you picked up your things. I'm so glad you called the other person to inform them because you were upset. They were very apologetic, which I'm sure helped you feel better. I can understand why you're a little confused about "why" this happened.

This time can show your automatic thinking mode. When you heard your husband say, "The sugar tangerines you bought are not delicious," your automatic thinking was that the other person was criticizing you, rather than exploring the reason behind the words. We all do this sometimes! For example, the person was just informing you that the ones you bought were not the best, and wanted to recommend the best kind for you, out of goodwill or just enthusiasm.

Instead of asking your husband why he said that, you got a little upset with him and thought that he was being unreasonable, since you had been kind and had done something nice for him, but he had accused you.

I can see how you might think that saying this will get your husband on your side and make him see that you're right and the other person is at fault. But I don't think blaming the other person is going to make you feel any better. What you really want to know is what the other person meant.

It's totally normal to feel this way! We all do. It's easy to get caught up in our thoughts and start to believe that the other person is wrong. But when you call to inform them, you might realize that they're not as you think.

I just wanted to suggest that when we hear a sentence, our minds often jump to conclusions and we end up misunderstanding things. It's so important to take a moment to think and be aware of our emotions. You could ask your husband what he said and what else he said that might help you to avoid getting angry and jumping to conclusions, as well as your own need to fight back against others' accusations against you.

Sometimes, chatting with the other person more can help resolve any issues you're having. You've done a great job of this so far, and I'm sure you'll continue to find solutions.

I really hope this helps! Wishing you all the best!

Hello, question asker!

After reading your description, we bought some mandarin oranges. My husband said that another woman said that the ones we bought were not tasty. Maybe what my husband is trying to say is that she said that we bought them, but are they really as bad as she said? It's very simple, we can just taste them to find out if they are tasty or not.

So don't worry about what others say. What matters is that we spend money on what we want, how much we want to buy, and what variety we want to buy. As for others who have neither tasted nor bought it, her evaluation seems to be just empty words.

I also wanted to mention something about the original poster's husband. He kept asking, "Is it good or not?" I think he was repeating what other people had told him. It seemed like he was worried that we were being taken advantage of or that we could spend a little more money to buy something with a better texture. Of course, the way he put it made us a little angry.

I feel like my husband also has doubts about what we've done wrong, just like everyone else.

It's so important to remember that our own evaluation of ourselves is better than the evaluation of others. As long as we recognize ourselves and like ourselves, it doesn't matter what others think. It's his business if he doesn't like it, but I love myself, and I'm proud of who I am!

Sometimes when we hear accusations or negative things from others, we immediately feel that they are targeting us and that we are not being taken seriously. It's natural to feel this way! We might even feel that others should not treat us this way. In fact, it is because we hope that someone can take care of our feelings. Even if they always deny and accuse us, we still hope that they will be patient and understand that it is not easy for us. We all want to be seen and recognized!

When we really connect with our feelings, we'll see a different side of ourselves. We all have our flaws, but that's not going to stop us from becoming the best version of ourselves! And we'll meet people who appreciate us along the way.

Wishing you all the best! I'm so sorry for the delay. One Psychology World and I Love You ?

Greetings.

A pat on the shoulder can be an effective method of communication in an intimate relationship, as it can filter and resolve many unnecessary misunderstandings and emotions. A seemingly trivial matter, such as the purchase of "sugar tangerines," can cause significant internal conflict for a wife. On the one hand, there is a problem with the way the couple communicates. On the other hand, they are unable to take good care of each other's emotions during communication.

To illustrate, in this particular incident, the wife purchased some mandarin oranges that she believed to still be somewhat sweet and requested her husband to retrieve them. The husband conveyed the message that "the individual stated that the mandarin oranges you purchased are not of an acceptable quality," which incensed the wife upon hearing it.

It is possible that the husband's actual situation is as follows:

1. He believes that the remark in question is an indication that the tangerines purchased by his wife are not palatable.

2. He is wont to exaggerate and embellish his statements, yet he neglects to consider his wife's feelings.

3. After listening to the other person's perspective, he experiences a sudden onset of depressive symptoms and an intensification of negative affect. He attributes this to his wife's responsibility and, upon returning home, attempts to insinuate the problem.

The wife may analyze the situation based on her knowledge of her husband. However, if it is determined that her husband is not thinking in a straightforward manner and has misinterpreted the situation, it is likely that he lacks empathy and does not feel the pain of the other party when he encounters problems. Therefore, when he feels bad, but it is not related to him or is not likely to cause trouble, he will lose his rational judgment and subconsciously minimize the severity of the problem.

If this kind of thing happens frequently (the husband misinterprets messages), there may be an underlying inferiority complex. As a result, when problems arise, he is unable to express his true feelings and instead blames others. Due to a lack of courage to take responsibility, when problems arise he will first accuse the other person of a problem. If the other person does not provide a reasonable explanation or respond as expected, he will feel even more victimized.

Therefore, the incident involving the sugar tangerines is a relatively minor occurrence, yet it can be transformed into a significant point of contention within the family and a primary challenge to be addressed. This illustrates that even in normal circumstances, there is a certain degree of pressure within the family, which makes family members more sensitive to each other and more reactive to external stimuli. To illustrate this, consider how a seemingly innocuous remark from someone else can evoke a strong emotional response. Consequently, it is essential to understand the level of tension and defensiveness that exists within the family at this time.

Ultimately, if the individual provided a different account when speaking with their spouse on the telephone, it is imperative to initially place trust in their spouse. Only within the context of a trusting relationship can both parties be more forthcoming with one another, without the influence of preconceived notions, and communication can truly flourish.

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.

Hi everyone!

I'm a heart exploration coach, and I believe learning is the body's greatest treasure.

From what you've said, I can tell you're not sure what to think and you want to know more.

I think you might be the wife in the description. I'll try to explain why, if you like:

First, the husband may have wanted to discredit or criticize his wife by sharing the negative comments others had made about her shopping habits.

The husband may have felt that his wife's purchases weren't cost-effective for a while, often making her seem like she was spending too much. This time, it just happened to be said by that person, and the husband agreed with it, so he told his wife.

Second, the husband may have done this with good intentions.

The husband might have thought the other person had a good point because what they said might be reasonable and well-founded, and it matched what he was thinking. He told his wife to remind her and to pay attention next time she went shopping. He didn't expect her to get so angry. He and the other woman didn't know each other well, and he just thought she had a point (the wife should have known whether they knew each other or not).

Third, the husband may have done this on purpose to make his wife angry because women often compete with each other. He told the woman he agreed with her just to upset his wife. It depends on how the couple gets along. If things haven't been going well and the wife is very dominant, and the husband doesn't speak up, then he's trying to use someone else's mouth to speak for him.

These are the reasons I've looked into. If you want to figure out what the husband was thinking, you'll need more evidence.

First, take a look at how your husband actually behaves.

From what you said, it seems like your husband agreed with you about the woman. This makes me think that he probably didn't realize you'd be so angry, which fits with the second analysis above.

Second, communicate with your husband openly and honestly.

If you still have doubts, you can have an honest conversation with your husband and listen to what he has to say. This way, you'll understand his perspective better. When you communicate with him, it's best to do so calmly and without emotions. This kind of communication is more effective.

I also suggest you ask yourself why you care so much about what others say about you, including when you buy things. Many people don't care what others think when buying things because they know everyone has different needs and characteristics. Or is it that you are particularly concerned about your husband's opinion of you, or the feeling that you care about your husband agreeing with others while criticizing you? This kind of self-examination can help you better understand yourself, and then you can also talk to your husband about your understanding of yourself, which will further promote mutual understanding and in turn make your relationship better and better.

I hope this helps. If you want to talk more, just click "Find a coach for an online conversation" at the bottom, and I'll chat with you one-on-one.

Good day.

I believe you may be the wife who was hurt by her husband in the story. Offering you a warm hug may seem insignificant, but I understand that emotions can quietly accumulate over time. Your husband's actions of using others to hurt you have likely contributed to your feelings of dissatisfaction. On the one hand, you have your plastic sister passing the knife, and on the other, you have your pig teammate stabbing you in the back. It's understandable that this can be frustrating.

[It seems that there may be a strong underlying sense of inferiority and anxiety behind the desire to become a teacher.]

The neighbor thoughtfully shares his life experience, believing himself to be an expert in selecting fruit. He directly teaches others without waiting for an invitation, which could be seen as a manifestation of being a good teacher. However, on the surface, being a "good teacher" may not appear to be humble. If we look at the essence, it could be a strong inferiority complex and anxiety. By pretending to be "high," he may be alleviating his anxiety and inferiority. But to quote a famous song by Sandy Lam, "Why do women make life difficult for women?," as housewives, we all may experience a strong inferiority complex and anxiety. So from this perspective, can you try to understand your best friend and let go?

It's worth noting that many people who enjoy teaching others tend to be quite enthusiastic. When they form an opinion about something and believe they can help others, they are often eager to offer their assistance without fully assessing whether such help is truly needed. This can occasionally lead to unintended consequences. There's also a term on the Internet called "full of motherly feelings." We are all children of God. I believe your relationship with this neighbor is just average, which might explain your strong reaction to her actions. It's understandable that you feel uncomfortable and violated when someone crosses a vague boundary. However, is there another reason for the questioner's reaction?

Could an unacquainted neighbor really merit such a vehement emotional response to an apparently innocuous remark? Might there be a possibility that the couple has experienced a series of unfortunate events in their daily lives, which have gradually accumulated over time, and that this incident has served as a catalyst for the emotions expressed by the questioner?

[Self-acceptance]

From my perspective, it seems that the questioner may have taken some of her anger towards her husband out on the neighbors. It also appears that the questioner may not have developed a stable sense of self, and may be particularly sensitive to other people's comments, especially those relayed by her husband. Could I respectfully suggest that the questioner consider whether she may also have low self-esteem and a lack of security?

It would seem that the questioner still has some work to do in terms of self-acceptance, particularly in relation to the desire for recognition and approval from others.

According to the Baidu Encyclopedia, self-acceptance can be defined as follows:

Self-acceptance can be defined as an individual's positive attitude towards oneself and all of one's characteristics. In short, it is an attitude that readily accepts one's real self. Self-acceptance can be understood in two different ways. Firstly, it is the ability to recognize and accept the positive value of one's body, abilities, character, etc., without being proud of one's own merits, specialties, and achievements. Secondly, it is the ability to readily face and accept all aspects of one's reality, without feeling inferior because of certain shortcomings or mistakes.

It is widely acknowledged that self-acceptance is an important criterion for individual mental health. This encompasses accepting oneself, others, and the real environment in which one finds oneself.

Self-acceptance can be defined as the psychological activity of regulating oneself through various inputs, with the aim of accepting or facing reality willingly. It is thought that self-acceptance has evolved as humans have solved the problems of survival and reproduction. Scientific evolutionary theory may provide an important theoretical basis for individual self-acceptance.

Could I suggest that when you think about it like this, it might help to turn your worries into wisdom? In interpersonal relationships, other people can act as a mirror for us, reflecting the way we see ourselves. If we find it difficult to accept our own imperfections, we may become angry with those who point out our imperfections. This could be a form of self-rejection.

In her book, True Acceptance is Loving an Imperfect Self, American psychologist Alice Boyce suggests that perhaps we should recognize a basic fact: that no one is born perfect.

I hope that, with this in mind, the questioner will persevere on the path of self-awareness, discover their inner complexes, experience what nourishes them in their interpersonal relationships, and allow love to surround them every day. I am a psychological listener, Zhang Huili, and I hope that my answer will be of some help to you. If you find it useful, I would be very grateful if you would give me a thumbs-up.

Good day.

From your description, it can be seen that you have some negative emotions inside. Perhaps the emotions in your heart, your thoughts, and your perception of your husband's statement as negative and critical of your poor judgment have caused you to feel this way, so you have reacted and felt this way. I can understand your feelings.

In general, men tend to express their thoughts more directly, so it is unlikely that they have other thoughts. In this case, the individual is simply relaying what another person said to you. However, it is possible that what was said was merely an opinion and that the individual did not intend to be negative or critical of you. If you feel uncomfortable or even angry, it may be because you feel that the other person has crossed a boundary.

My recommendation is as follows:

(1) Become aware of your emotions and identify the root cause of your current thoughts.

It is possible that you may notice that you have some thoughts and even some emotions, but you may not know the reason for these emotions. In order to gain clarity, it is essential to identify what your thoughts are at this moment. Are thoughts of being criticized and rejected real? It is possible that they are generated by self-doubt and self-negation.

(2) Do not concern yourself with the opinions of others.

It is important to remember that everyone has their own thoughts and opinions. Therefore, individuals who express some kind of evaluation do not necessarily have negative thoughts. It is also crucial to understand that we do not have to care about what others will think of us. Ultimately, we are the ones who control our lives.

(3) Avoid overthinking and relax.

In this situation, it is not necessary to over-interpret what others say. There is no need to dwell on the matter and engage in excessive speculation. Instead, it is advisable to remain calm, maintain a positive outlook, and focus on the task at hand. It is important to recognize that the opinions of others do not necessarily reflect reality. They may have a different perspective, which is perfectly understandable. However, dwelling on these differences can lead to unnecessary internal stress. It is essential to stay calm, maintain a healthy mindset, and focus on your own actions and contributions.

I hope the original poster will soon be able to put his doubts to rest.

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, and I'm thrilled to be here with Coach Fei Yun!

I'm thrilled to have this opportunity to discuss this topic with you. From the way you've expressed yourself, I can sense your wife's anger: the negative judgments of others have made her feel personally attacked.

The wife interprets this as a denial of her choices and judgments, which is a denial of her person.

At the same time, she's curious to know why her husband would pass on "negative" comments to her. This implies that her anger is caused by others, which is an intriguing insight. On the one hand, there are the negative comments from the woman downstairs, and on the other hand, her husband passes on this negative evaluation.

? 1. Seeing one's own patterns

The wife in the question has her own wonderful patterns! Patterns are habits that we form over time through our experiences and life, including emotional patterns, thinking patterns, and behavioral patterns. We also bring these patterns into our various relationships.

The wife's pattern is obvious, and it's a fascinating one! She's used to attributing responsibility to the outside world and to others.

1) Absolutely! The other person is responsible for the comments they made about her, and she shouldn't talk about other people behind their backs. What a great opportunity for her to take responsibility! Is the value of emotions too low?

Overreacting to other people's comments? Unable to regulate emotions well?

2) When she encounters danger, she gets angry and tends to attack. While anger is natural, it is important to be aware of one's actions and not act on impulse (e.g., complaining, calling someone directly, confronting them, etc.). The good news is that we can all learn to control our anger!

There's always a positive motive behind an action! My wife's attack was driven by an emotional need for affirmation, recognition, and acceptance from others.

You can become aware of this emotional need and realize that there are so many ways to achieve it other than attacking with anger! Because awareness means seeing, and seeing opens up new options, and change is already happening!

2. Rethink judgment!

We all have our own unique outlook on life and feelings, and it's these differences that make us who we are! The other person shared that she finds the sugar tangerines from Sichuan and Yunnan to be absolutely delicious. This is her personal experience, and she used it to form her opinion of her wife's actions.

My wife also judged the other person and my husband based on her own feelings. The other person only said "suggestion," but my wife felt that she was being negatively judged. My husband has the opportunity to digest this negative judgment himself and not pass it on to my wife.

These "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" are all judgments. Even these words I'm typing are judgments!

Having values means making judgments, and that's a good thing! But if the judgment becomes fixed, it becomes an obsession, which will affect and damage the relationship. It will also deprive you of the opportunity to explore more possibilities.

Try to look at things from multiple perspectives and see more possibilities! For example, a husband can express himself honestly and sincerely in an intimate relationship. He doesn't feel that the remark is an "attack," but rather that it is a message delivered to his wife as a "suggestion."

There is not just one truth to a matter, just as "6" is "6" to me and "9" is "9" to the other person. The good news is that broadening one's own perception and accepting more existence that is different from one's own will give us more choices!

Everyone is a unique being, and it is this diversity that makes the world so colorful!

I really hope the above is helpful to you, and to the world! And I love you! ?

If you want to continue the conversation, just click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom! I can't wait to communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

Hello, question asker! I'm Evan.

Every husband has a different approach in family relationships. However, the questioner's husband tends to give negative feedback to the questioner, causing the questioner to misunderstand the neighbors and develop negative emotions. This is a fact. The husband helps the questioner with things, but also brings the questioner some comments that he thinks are bad, causing the questioner to develop negative emotions. Apart from this incident, how does the questioner's husband usually get along with the questioner?

The questioner needs to identify the patterns of their partner's behavior. Is it a rational type who always starts from objective facts and disregards the questioner's emotions and feelings?

He still blames others for his mistakes. When he encounters the questioner's issues, he immediately blames her or shifts the blame to her, forcing the questioner to bear the responsibility. This is something the questioner must recognize and address.

As a wife, the questioner must take responsibility for getting along with the public and guiding her husband to do the same. Otherwise, the situation will unfold as described, with her husband providing negative feedback and negatively affecting her mood.

Guiding your husband to change his communication style with you is a long and difficult road.

Since the question was asked on a platform, it is not possible to have in-depth exchanges and discussions on many detailed things with the questioner. However, I can provide some simple suggestions in response to the questioner's question:

Understand your husband's communication style.

We must understand where the communication style of the questioner's husband comes from. He directly feeds back negative comments to the questioner. Does he usually behave in the same way?

This is undoubtedly linked to the education received in the original family. The character of the questioner's husband also has a significant impact.

The questioner should examine how her husband deals with problems. Does he give objective and direct feedback to the questioner, or does he use this as an excuse to accuse others together with the questioner? When faced with problems, the questioner should also examine how her husband communicates with others and with her.

His communication style is likely influenced by his parents' upbringing. If his parents always blamed him when they faced problems, it's likely that he'll blame others when he grows up.

Understanding your husband's communication style will help the questioner face their husband more calmly and facilitate positive change in the days to come.

You need to find a solution to the confusion in your relationship.

The questioner must consider solutions to the relationship with their husband. Resources must be sought to solve the current problem.

Or do you believe there is no solution and that the only way to resolve the problem is to get a divorce? Have you identified any obstacles between you and your husband that hinder your relationship?

If the questioner feels that they cannot solve it, they should seek help from a counselor or from the older members of their family.

Focus on the biggest problem between you and your husband right now. Use all available resources to communicate and solve it.

Face your emotions together with your loved one.

If the two people get emotional during communication, the question asker must deal with it. They cannot accuse each other.

What is the communication pattern between the questioner and their loved one? The questioner should summarize it. The couple must be consistent when facing problems.

When external disturbances cause the questioner's negative emotions, the questioner must deal with these negative emotions. The questioner can express their emotions to their husband. For example, the questioner can say, "Regarding the previous incident, I expect you to take my emotions into account when responding to things. I am easily influenced by negative comments from others, so please try to reflect others' words as objectively as possible.

You have emotions. You can talk about them. Let's face them together.

You must learn to express your emotions.

It is crucial to have a correct understanding of emotions. They are a kind of instinctive defense mechanism of the human body, triggered when people encounter certain situations.

When we realize that the emotions that arise are not correct, we must learn to express them. The questioner should go do something they normally like to do to distract themselves and focus on the way they normally vent their emotions.

Find a family counselor.

If you feel there's a problem with your communication style with your husband and you can't improve it on your own, get professional psychological support. I suggest you find some psychological counselors, family counselors, or listeners on psychological platforms and tell them what's on your mind. If your husband agrees, go to counseling with him. They'll have the communication skills you need to get along better with your husband.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful to the questioner.