Why does my mother think I'm being pretentious when she doesn't praise me? Is there a problem with either of us?

Hello!

Thanks for your question.

After reading the title,

I wonder.

A mother's response to her child is important.

The child's response shows how they see themselves.

The child will think:

Am I cute? Do people like me?

It's normal to expect a positive response from our mother.

But it seems like

Your mother responds to you negatively and suppressively.

Our mother's response to us.

It's out of our hands.

That mom has her own ways of acting and responding.

and limitations.

But we can choose.

How we see ourselves.

Do we dislike and disapprove of ourselves because of what our mother said?

You can also become aware here.

Your mother is inconsistent.

How do you feel? Angry? Wronged?

Sad?

Do we let these feelings be?

Close your eyes and feel it.

Let the emotions flow.

No matter how our mothers act.

We can still connect with our mothers' energy.

Believe love is always there.

I'm your listener.

I'll be with you as you grow.

Hello, I'm Yan Shiqi, and I'm so happy to have this chance to answer your question!

From what you've shared, I'd love to offer my perspective as a bystander.

I was once a child, and now I'm a parent.

When I was a little one, my parents' kind words and encouragement made me feel so proud and happy.

When my little one gets good grades, I'll be sure to give them lots of encouragement. But, if others praise them, I might start looking for a few little areas for improvement. I'm just a little worried that too much praise might make them a bit arrogant and cause them to regress.

But she's just afraid her little one will get discouraged, so she takes the initiative to let her know that this is just how she was raised.

I really don't think you have a problem, though. You're doing so well in school and you want your mom to be proud of you.

But your mom is totally cool with it, because she knows you can do better.

And from what I can tell, the mother should be happy to see her child have a positive and enterprising attitude, as well as a serious learning spirit!

Parents tend to think all children are wonderful.

This is the parenting concept of a certain generation of parents, which shows that there is absolutely nothing wrong with biological parents!

When you're facing these kinds of challenges, it's important to remember that your mom probably has the best of intentions. It's just a matter of different personalities and different parenting styles.

Moms just want to use the strengths of others to inspire you, sweetie.

If your mom's behavior has affected your mood or life in any way, it's really important to communicate.

Tell your mom what you need, be honest with her, and let her know that you are also positive and want her approval even more.

I really hope this helps!

Hello! I'll give you a 360-degree hug.

After reading your question, I want to say that there's nothing wrong with your mother's perspective if she doesn't praise you. You want your mother to praise you, and from your perspective, this is not being pretentious; it's an emotional need, and there's nothing wrong with that either.

You might think I'm being evasive. If there's no problem on either side, why can't they get along?

The bottom line is that they're both communicating from their own perspectives, just as Mr. Lu Xun said: "Humans do not share each other's joys and sorrows."

I don't know the mother's age, but I think she was probably brought up with the idea that children should not be praised. She probably believed that if they are praised, they will become proud and if they become proud, they will regress. She also probably believed in the saying that pride comes before a fall, and that exaggeration will make people proud.

If you've never been praised, it's unlikely you'll praise others. You'll probably treat your children the same way you were brought up to be treated.

But their old ways just don't work with their kids.

There are three generations of gaps, and there are several gaps between children and parents. You started school early and got an education that encouraged individuality, where teachers were encouraged to praise children.

This is why there've been so many conflicts between parents and children over the years. It's just not the same anymore.

But kids still want their parents to affirm them. Parents may not know what their kids need, or even how to say it. It's a simple fact that they have no experience, just as you have no experience dealing with your mother's suppression.

You've had experience with this, I'm sure. Your mother has probably said similar things to you since you were little. But at that time, you were young and probably didn't have the ability to rebel, or you just thought it was normal because that's how you were brought up. So maybe you don't know how to express your needs, or you don't know that you can have other needs.

As you grow up and meet different people and learn about different things, you'll find that you become more assertive and thoughtful than before. You'll also realize that all along, you've actually been longing for your mother's praise.

This desire grew stronger and stronger, but my mother didn't change the way she spent time with you, so conflicts arose.

The thing is, you've changed, but your mother hasn't. From my experience, there's not much chance of her changing. So, to be frank, don't expect your parents to understand you, and don't expect you to be able to change them.

Or, you could just give up and move on.

But just saying that might be tough for you. It's probably been more than a day or two since you've wanted your mother's praise.

There's nothing you can do about it. You just have to accept that your mother is who she is. Then you can decide whether you want to listen to what she says – or whether you want to let it go in one ear and out the other.

And then you can find ways to recognize and encourage yourself. You can also join small groups and encourage each other in the group.

You might also want to speak to a counselor.

I'm often both Buddhist and pessimistic, but I also have moments of positivity and motivation. I love the world and I'm here to help.

Hello, my name is Evan, and I'm here to help!

From what you've told me, it seems like your mom might have a tendency to put you down and deny your actions. I can understand why you might feel this way, and I think it's important to remember that it's probably related to your mom's upbringing and personality, not you.

I wonder if the questioner's mother instilled some important values in her from an early age. Maybe she taught her not to be proud, to listen to adults, and that adults are right. It's possible that she instilled many traditional concepts in the questioner.

I feel this is more a result of the mother's upbringing. When children grow up, they are influenced by their family of origin and often believe that parents have absolute authority at home.

Of course, there are different reasons why parents might want to control their children's behavior. Some parents are striving for perfection, while others are afraid that their children will repeat the mistakes they made when they were young. These behaviors might seem like protection to parents, but they can actually cause depression and harm to children.

I'm here to give you a big, warm pat on the shoulder and some much-needed strength.

It's important to remember that parents' negative reactions to their children aren't always meant to be hurtful. They might just be hoping their kids will be more self-controlled. But if the author's values are completely denied, there's a chance of being biased towards controlling behavior. The truth is, no matter how good of a parent you are, you can't always control your kids.

Since you asked the question on this platform, I'd also like to offer some simple advice.

I'm here to give you a big hug and tell you that you're doing a great job! Sometimes, mothers can be a little strict with their kids, but that doesn't mean they're controlling or a bad parent. A controlling parent is someone who controls others in a specific way. You're doing a great job! Keep up the good work!

Sometimes mothers may be a little strict with their kids, but it's not necessarily controlling behavior. It doesn't mean she's a controlling personality or a negative parent. A true controlling parent will control others in a specific way.

Some of these methods are pretty obvious, while others are a bit more subtle. Control behavior can come in many forms, from outright criticism to veiled threats.

If you notice these signs in your mother, it's a good indication that she has a strong desire for control:

It's so sad when you're always criticized for things that don't matter much, like how you look, how you act, or the choices you make.

Another thing to look out for is when someone threatens to hurt you or themselves. This could be something like saying, "If you don't come home right now, I'll kill myself!"

It's so sad when mothers exploit their children's guilt to force them to do things they don't want to do. For example, a mother might say, "I was in pain for 18 hours giving birth to you, and now you won't even stay with me for a few hours?"

It's also possible that she might monitor you or not respect your privacy, like casually going through your things in your room or reading your text messages when you're not around.

It's so important to understand the mother's motives in treating the questioner.

I'd love to understand why the mother of the questioner treats the questioner this way. Was she also treated this way when she was a child? I'd also love to know if the mother was taught this way by the elders in her family when she was a child.

The mother was taught how to communicate with children when she was young. This way of doing things was imprinted on her heart, and it's something she brought into the family she formed.

This is just how she thinks parents should treat their little ones.

It's so important to understand your mother's motives! When you understand why she does what she does, you can release your emotions, deal with her more calmly, and remain more composed.

It's probably best not to confront your mother.

When faced with inappropriate behavior from her mother, it's best not to confront her. If her mother makes the questioner feel uncomfortable, she can express her feelings to her mother in a kind and respectful way without affecting communication.

It's best not to confront your mother, as it can make things worse and make it harder to resolve the situation.

It's so important to remember not to argue with your mother. When you feel yourself getting emotional and hurtful to her as well as yourself, it's best to just turn around and leave. If you can, try to leave her when an argument gets out of hand and go stay with a friend or relative.

It's so important to learn to deal with your mother's behavior.

Your mother is trying to control some of your behavior, but it's up to you how you respond. Do you let your mother control your every word and action?

Or should you face it bravely? Of course, to deal with your mother's controlling behavior, you need to learn to control your emotions and maintain a respectful attitude at all times. This is not to say that you are not filial to your mother, but just that you can face some of her controlling behavior more calmly.

It's a great idea to practice speaking to the mirror, maintaining a respectful attitude, and behaving appropriately in response to her controlling behavior. You could even practice responding to various scenarios based on the different responses that your mother may make!

This way, when the time comes, she'll be more relaxed and in control.

It's so important to take control of your own affairs.

It's so hard when our parents try to control us, isn't it? The questioner is still living with his mother and is unlikely to get rid of her control all of a sudden. But there is something we can do to deal with his mother's controlling behavior. We can take control of as many things as possible, things that his mother doesn't care about.

For example, when to eat, when to come back, when to study, etc., it's a great idea to try to take control of some things yourself. The more the questioner masters, the more things you can intervene in, and slowly you can make some decisions according to your wishes.

It's okay to accept the reality of the situation.

It's important to remember that the questioner can't change her mother's behavior or thoughts. This is something you and your mother will have to accept together. While neither of you can control the other's feelings and thoughts, you can change how you think about each other. This can also change how your mother thinks about you.

It's okay, don't expect your mother to change her personality. She's got her own mind, and that's okay! It's hard to change someone's mind, especially when they don't think they're in the wrong and don't want to change. But you know what? Only they can change.

Take care of yourself, sweetie.

I'm sure there's a good reason why the mother wants to control the behavior of the questioner. Perhaps it's because the questioner is not strong enough?

If you're strong enough to do everything without your mom's help, will she be less controlling of her friend? Kids often have mixed feelings about their parents' dependence. They may hate being controlled, but they also want their parents' support and depend on them. When this behavior crosses over to you, your pattern of getting along with your mom will also continue to change.

So, when you're facing a challenge, don't be afraid to ask your friends or other family members for help.

It can be really tough when our mums try to control us. It's so important to remember that you don't have to put up with it. Try to spend less time with her, rely on her less, set boundaries for yourself and her, and if necessary, seek help from trusted friends as much as possible. If your mum uses words to control you, just tell her how you feel at the time. You can say something like, "I feel like I don't have any rights as an independent individual."

"Or, "I feel like I haven't grown up yet. I'm not an adult, I'm still a child, and I don't have any rights."

It's so important to set strict boundaries.

It's so important to set and respect boundaries with your mother. Agree on a mutual private space and stick to it. If she can't respect this boundary, it'll be hard to have a meaningful relationship.

It can be really helpful to use some verbal skills when problems come up in your relationship with your mom. The questioner's friend could try saying something like, "I respect your boundaries, but sometimes my boundaries are not respected by you."

How can we make sure that both of our needs are met?

If, despite your own efforts, you are unable to make any progress with your mother, you can seek help from a professional mental health practitioner. Have a good talk with your mother and hope that she will go to counseling with you. Of course, in order to improve your persuasiveness, you can first talk about your situation with a trusted counselor, friend, or other relative, and they may also be able to help you.

I really hope my answer can help the questioner!

It may be problematic, or it may not be.

People often attribute their own personal factors to their own success.

However, they blame their failures on external circumstances.

If you get a good result, it's because you're excellent and you worked hard.

If they fail, it's because the competition is fierce and the difficulty is too much.

If others succeed, it is attributed to external circumstances, for example, being too easy and not difficult.

When others fail, it's because they're too lazy to work hard.

Reasonable and unreasonable attributions are part of attribution theory.

In particular, this attribution, self-awareness, and self-perception of others, and others' perception of ourselves, do not achieve balance and consistency.

It is a simple fact that everyone sees things from a different perspective.

If you have a bias in your perception of objective facts, that is likely the main source of conflict between you. However, it is not necessarily a matter of right or wrong. It is simply a matter of differing perspectives.

Therefore, you must evaluate objectively and subjectively.

I want to know why you failed the postgraduate entrance exam.

You got first in the city, didn't you?

Passing the postgraduate entrance exam and the civil service exam is a combination of strength and luck.

Ultimately, it all comes down to the number of applicants and competitors, and the top talent is selected accordingly.

They all chose the sharpest ones.

The question owner has the necessary strength and is also very lucky, so he got first in the city, which is great.

The questioner's strength in some areas and luck are simply not enough. The postgraduate entrance exam can be passed together.

If the questioner's focus is on obtaining that piece and you crave praise and recognition, then the questioner is undoubtedly appropriate.

Similarly, if the mother of the questioner focuses on the failure point of the postgraduate entrance exam, it is clear that she has some thoughts in some areas. It is hard to say whether the mother of the questioner also has aspirations for something that she has not obtained, but it is likely.

She wants her child to be successful in school and have a successful career.

Then, from her perspective, she has to argue with you and satisfy your desires.

If you say you have ideas and expectations for each other but haven't made the other person want you, it's a problem.

You are doing the same thing.

Frankly, I don't think there's anything wrong with the word "pretentious."

As a mother and child, there is absolutely nothing wrong with pampering and pleasing each other.

If your child has done something well and wants you to praise them, tell them: "I have done it, I have achieved it, you can praise me, praise me, and recognize me."

A mother can and should express her ideas and expectations for her child. For example, she can say that it doesn't look good that you don't study very hard, that you don't feel like you can compare with other children, that you need to work harder even if you get good grades.

And now for the final, indisputable point:

You may not get all the recognition and praise from your mother that you desire, and you don't need to bear the high expectations and demands of your parents on your shoulders, no matter how much they disapprove of you.

We can only know each other's thoughts and desires, and whether they are reasonable, objective, problem-free, and whose problem they are, by expressing ourselves directly or implicitly to each other.

You may not necessarily get an answer or a response, but you know what you can get and what to strive for. You can also guess the other person's thoughts and ideas.

After all, there's no substitute for asking your mother directly, "I've finished, why didn't you praise me?"

The answer will come faster and more accurately, and it will solve your confusion.

This is a reference for you. I am confident you will find it helpful.

Hello!

Host:

Your post shows frustration and a sense of being unseen by your mother. You have also expressed your distress and sought help, which will help you understand yourself and your mother. Adjust your perception and get along better with your mother.

Next, I'll share my thoughts from the post. They might help you see things differently.

1. Traditional education

After reading your post, I understand your frustration and that your mother doesn't understand you. It also reminds me of traditional parenting.

Many parents believe that criticism leads to progress, while pride leads to falling behind. This means that they don't praise their children very much.

Parents want their children to make progress, but worry that too much praise will make them proud and fall behind.

2. Complimenting others is a skill.

The original poster said his mother never praised him. She thought he was being pretentious. I want to know if your mother praises other people.

Does she praise herself often? This poster can go and observe!

From a psychological point of view, we often think that a person cannot give others what they don't have.

If you can't praise yourself, you probably can't praise others either.

This ability is often related to how we were raised. Someone who was praised as a child will often find it easy to praise others.

They experience the feelings of being praised and imitate.

If you've never been praised, you won't know how to praise others.

If you didn't learn it when you were young, you may never be able to praise others. Look at your mother. Does she praise herself and others?

She probably hasn't learned this. It's not your problem or hers.

Maybe she hasn't had a chance to learn.

3. Learn to be happy with yourself.

You mentioned in your post that you've graduated from university and are an adult. As adults, we need to learn to satisfy our own needs.

We can have expectations of our mothers and hope they will praise us, but we also allow them not to meet our expectations. We are responsible for our own expectations.

We also need to realize that our mothers have not met our expectations and needs. We can satisfy our own needs. We can praise ourselves, recognize our efforts, and acknowledge our contributions. We know ourselves best and know what kind of affirmation and praise we need.

We need to learn to take care of ourselves.

I hope this helps and inspires you. I'm Zeng Chen, a heart exploration coach.

Click to find a coach for one-on-one communication.

Hello! I'll give you a warm hug from afar first.

It's natural to feel a sense of injustice and anger when you're not affirmed and encouraged by your mother.

How you're treated affects how you treat others. Your mother didn't encourage you when you achieved your goals because you received more disapproval, disdain, and indifference from her, which made you feel frustrated.

You can try to be brave and open with your feelings and needs at that moment. Don't judge your mother's words or actions. Just express how you feel and what you need. Your honesty will help your mother understand her words and actions better.

It's understandable why you feel so much pain when facing your mother's rejection and dislike. It can make you feel like your desire to be encouraged and affirmed by your mother is not good, that it's a sign of your frivolity and pride. You might also feel a bit self-blaming and guilty. What are your thoughts on this?

The desire to be affirmed and encouraged is a person's most basic psychological need, especially in terms of emotional and emotional support and response from important others. When you've noticed that important others can't give you this, you can try to give it to yourself through your own efforts, but you won't feel guilty because this part of your needs hasn't been well met by important others.

You deserve to be treated well by yourself and others.

I'm Lily, the little ear of the Q&A Museum. The world and I love you.

Good day, host.

The realization that my mother's behavior was rooted in a lack of understanding and empathy, coupled with her dismissive and critical tone, evoked a profound sense of anger and frustration. It seemed paradoxical that acknowledging a simple fact, expressing joy for my child's achievement, and offering words of congratulations and praise could be so challenging.

It is a fundamental challenge of human existence that there is no objective truth, only a multitude of subjective interpretations of the same reality. The question of which interpretation is the most accurate, or whose interpretation should be accepted as true, has always been a source of contention.

The interview is widely regarded as the most important in the city. This assertion can be verified as accurate.

However, there is a discrepancy in interpretation between you and your mother.

The outcome of an examination is contingent upon a multitude of variables. Frequently, it is assumed that assiduous effort is the sole determinant of academic success, with the outcome of the examination reflecting one's aptitude. However, this assumption is not universally valid. For instance, your mother attributes your success to mere fortune.

It is not entirely implausible to suggest that this possibility may exist.

The examiner may pose a question that aligns with your strengths, leading to a higher performance than if you were asked a question that is less aligned with your abilities. Additionally, various factors influence the interview score, including the ranking of your university, the strength of the field of study, and even the compatibility between the examiner and you in terms of temperament. If these factors align with the requirements of the position, they can positively or negatively impact the interview score. In this context, the observations made by your mother may hold some truth.

It is evident that the performance in the interview is a significant determinant of success. The extent to which one works is contingent upon one's perception of the effort expended. In this case, the subject's mother holds the opinion that the subject does not work hard enough. However, this perception is shaped by her own emotional experiences and may not align with the subject's feelings. The subject's mother may not be able to fully comprehend the emotional nuances associated with the subject's efforts due to a lack of personal experience. This lack of empathy may contribute to a discrepancy in their understanding of the subject's work ethic.

She may only imagine that someone who studies continuously, 365 days a year, without interruption except for meals and sleep, is considered to be only "hardworking" and can achieve the highest grades in the examination.

What is particularly troubling is that your mother's perspective on your cousin's failure to pass the exam is diametrically opposed to yours. Your cousin's poor performance was not due to inherent deficiencies but rather to external circumstances. This implies that your cousin's efforts and abilities in learning are far superior to yours. This line of reasoning is also irrefutable because it is logical that your cousin's performance would be affected by a multitude of factors.

Furthermore, the mother's actions deny the child's efforts, abilities, and sense of achievement. It is therefore unsurprising that the child feels aggrieved and unhappy. However, the mother also labels the child as childish, which is a highly frustrating response. This implies that the mother not only refuses to acknowledge the child's hard work and good grades but also demands that the child not feel unhappy when confronted with her denial. The mother believes her perspective to be the truth and deems any upset to be insignificant.

However, from her perspective, an incident that occurred fortuitously, in which she secured first place merely by chance and without exerting significant effort or displaying enthusiasm, did not hold significant importance. Consequently, it was not a major issue. This aligns with her personal logic.

The question of whether there is something wrong with the child or their mother has been posed. It would be beneficial to ascertain whether an answer has been found to this question after reading this far.

I will not reiterate your line of reasoning. You are aware of your own efforts and the challenges you have faced in achieving these results. The joy of success, as reflected in your first-place finish, is a tangible experience. From a factual perspective and from an emotional standpoint, your interpretation of the relationship between effort, ability, and outcomes is entirely logical. It is also logical that you feel aggrieved, dissatisfied, and sad.

One might inquire as to which party is responsible for the identified issue.

It would appear that there is no definitive answer to the question posed. This may be the reason why you have been unable to determine the solution independently, given that any answer could be considered correct.

What, then, is the root of the problem?

In fact, there are multiple issues at hand, but for the sake of this discussion, we will focus on one: the confusion that stems from the question, "Am I a good boy or girl, Mom? You decide." It is crucial to examine this question and determine its veracity.

The facts pertaining to the interview, as well as your personal interpretation of them, reside within your own mind. It is evident that there is a discrepancy between your mother's interpretation and your own. However, it is challenging to rely on your feelings, judgments, and interpretations, as you appear to require your mother's validation, understanding, and agreement before you can fully accept the extent of your efforts, capabilities, and success.

Is this your considered opinion?

In conclusion, it is pertinent to inquire as to why one's mother's judgment must align with one's own before one is willing to accept the veracity of one's own judgment.

One might also inquire as to whose judgment will be required to be consistent with one's own before trust in one's judgment is permitted. Furthermore, it would be interesting to know whether one can allow one's mother or others in the future workplace to have their own feelings and opinions about one's hard work and strength.

The aforementioned points are, in summary, as follows: the world and I love you.