Why is it that when I go for counseling, I always hold back from crying even when I want to?

Hello, questioner. I can see you're feeling confused right now, and I'm here to give you a big hug!

You said that you feel ashamed and vulnerable when you cry. I'm here to help you with that.

This might be related to how you were raised.

It's possible that when you were a child, you tried to express your sadness, but your family taught you that crying was wrong.

So, after that, your subconscious mind will automatically think that crying is a very bad thing, and you'll suppress yourself.

But what you need to know is that the counselor has received professional training and is able to handle your negative emotions. So you don't need to worry about her making fun of you or laughing at you. She's here to help!

I know it can be hard to let go and feel safe in counseling, especially when it's face-to-face. It's okay if you don't feel safe or comfortable in that setting.

Sometimes this can be related to the counselor or the setting in her room.

It might be that you find the sofa she asked you to sit on a bit uncomfortable.

If this is the case, you can be totally honest with the counselor and tell her.

She might ask you to switch to another counselor, which I'm sure you'll be happy to do!

If you're still having trouble after switching rooms, I'd suggest seeing another female counselor.

If you're still feeling down and having trouble expressing your sadness, I think it might help to speak with a male counselor.

I really hope the problem you're having gets sorted out soon.

I'm so sorry, but I can only think of these things right now.

I really hope my answer was helpful and inspiring for you. I'm here for you, and I'm studying hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, we love you and wish you all the best!

Hello, I am here to offer you a place of peace. I am grateful for our encounter.

I can imagine that the feeling of not being able to cry must be a painful ordeal. Could I ask why that is?

Could I ask you when you stopped crying in front of other people?

You mentioned that you feel ashamed and vulnerable when you cry in front of other people. Could you please tell me when this idea first came up for you?

Could I ask when the last time was that someone stopped you from expressing your grief, sadness, or sorrow through crying? I'd be really interested to know who it was.

Has he ever expressed the view that crying is wrong, shameful, or a sign of weakness?

Or perhaps you have experienced a situation where, when you cried, you were not given the comfort and help you expected, and you were treated roughly instead?

I can imagine that this feeling scared you, terrified you, and disappointed you.

Gradually, out of instinctive self-preservation, you may find yourself questioning your ability to receive help, support, and tolerance from others.

So, you chose to suppress yourself. It can be challenging to express intense emotions, especially when they are difficult, painful, or frustrating. It's understandable that you might feel the need to hide your feelings in order to feel safe and be treated fairly. Is this something you've experienced?

You have been receiving psychological counseling for three years, which is a testament to your strength and resilience. I'm curious, what prompted your initial decision to seek psychological counseling?

Have you had the opportunity to discuss your situation with your parents?

I would be interested to know how they reacted.

Could I ask you to consider whether the way you get along with your parents is acceptable to you? How do you feel about your parents?

Could I ask whether you understand each other? And are you tolerant?

Could I perhaps inquire as to whether you would like some support or acceptance?

Could I ask you about love?

I kindly ask you to consider exploring and identifying the hurt child that may have been suppressed for a long time.

Then, if you feel comfortable doing so, give her a warm hug and tell her, "I'm here for you, I see, I will always be with you, comfort you, understand you, I will unconditionally embrace you, accept all your emotions, believe in me and believe in yourself, you are safe, you will not be hurt."

I would like to suggest that crying is a natural and beneficial way of expressing emotions for both the body and mind. It is a fundamental aspect of human nature, present from birth.

It is important to remember that this is not a sign of shame or weakness, and it is not synonymous with incompetence.

If you feel the need to cry, please do so.

I hope that my response will prove to be of some assistance to you.

From reading your description, I can comprehend your emotional state; however, I am also gratified for you because you have identified a counselor with whom you are compatible and who aligns with your needs. In the context of counseling, you can engage in further self-exploration and self-understanding, as well as self-growth.

A counselor serves as a mirror, reflecting the client's patterns in relationships. The counselor-client relationship mirrors the client's ability to express and process emotions. The client's statement indicates a tendency to suppress emotions, particularly sadness, when in the presence of a particular teacher.

Despite the urge to cry, we refrain from doing so, experiencing feelings of shame and vulnerability. This is particularly the case when leaving the counseling room, as we are concerned about being seen by others in this emotional state. On occasion, our voice becomes so choked up that we are unable to speak effectively.

Nevertheless, you persist in attempting to disguise your despondency.

There is a rationale behind our actions, but it is probable that this rationale has no connection to the individual in the present moment. Rather, it is likely to be associated with our upbringing and the limiting beliefs that were formed during that period. From a psychological perspective, when an individual is sad and wants to cry, they often seek solitude and may even experience feelings of shame, perceiving this as a sign of weakness. These behaviours are a consequence of the behavioural patterns and thoughts that were formed during childhood as a result of certain experiences.

In the context of psychological defense mechanisms, these patterns and ideas can serve a protective function.

To illustrate, during one's formative years, parents often discourage their children from expressing sadness. When a child does so, they are often met with disapproval, with the implication that such an emotion is indicative of shame and weakness. Consequently, the child may internalize this message and develop a fear of displaying sadness in the presence of others, even those with whom they have a close relationship. This belief, which may have originated from a single incident or a combination of experiences, becomes deeply ingrained in the subconscious and serves as an automatic defense mechanism. As adults, we may no longer require the same level of protection from our childhood experiences. Instead, we must evolve our defense mechanisms to align with our current needs and circumstances.

First and foremost, it is imperative to accept oneself and gain a deeper understanding of one's own self.

As previously stated, this is not your fault. It is merely a defense mechanism that you employed as a child to safeguard yourself. Once you have gained an understanding of yourself and accepted your behavioral patterns, you will be better equipped to confront this aspect of yourself with greater courage. Indeed, you may choose to divulge your true feelings to your counselor, who will be able to provide you with invaluable assistance.

Subsequently, it is imperative to enhance our coping mechanisms and effectively address sadness and tears.

Indeed, as we grow older, we are no longer able to rely on the same defense mechanisms that we employed in childhood. Instead, we must develop more sophisticated strategies to navigate our emotions and the challenges that life presents.

In the preceding year, a friend confided that he was profoundly saddened by the demise of his grandmother. However, he was reluctant to express his grief, as he perceived that others lacked the capacity to fully comprehend his emotional state. During his tenure at the university, another friend similarly grappled with a personal tragedy. Despite his evident distress, he was advised by his father to refrain from displaying his emotions, citing the notion that crying signified a lack of resilience.

Indeed, a considerable number of individuals misconstrue the nature of grief and endeavor to evade or subdue it, desiring to present themselves to others as resilient and optimistic, and to convey the impression that everything is well. Nevertheless, grief is in fact a valuable and meaningful experience.

The emotion of sadness is experienced in a multitude of situations, including the loss of a loved one, the dissolution of a relationship, the loss of a cherished object, the failure to achieve a desired outcome, and the collapse of a career or aspiration.

Sadness is one of the seven basic emotions that humans are born with. It is an inherent aspect of the human condition to experience sadness.

The question thus arises as to why people experience sadness.

In essence, it can be distilled to a single concept: loss.

The demise of a cherished individual, the loss of a valued possession, and the dissolution of a romantic attachment are all forms of loss.

Some individuals exhibit a preference for nostalgia, which can be conceptualized as a form of sadness. This preference reflects a longing for a specific moment in time and space that has been lost.

In the event of humans losing something that rightfully belongs to them, a state of sadness is the inevitable consequence.

It can be observed that when an individual is experiencing sadness, a sense of loss is often present, encompassing aspects such as time, appearance, money, and emotions.

This raises the question of whether the absence of loss is a prerequisite for the experience of sadness.

The issue is that avoidance of loss is not a viable strategy. As with birth, aging, illness, and mortality, loss is a normal aspect of life. The key is to identify effective strategies for coping with grief following the loss of something.

Thus, the question remains: how might we best address sadness and grief?

One must acknowledge the reality of grief and accept the accompanying emotions rather than attempting to suppress them.

Freud postulated that repressed emotions do not simply disappear; rather, they manifest in a more intense manner. As a result, you also observed that upon concluding the consultation and ending the call, you experienced a sudden surge of tears and distress, leading to a prolonged outburst of emotion.

This is the reason for this phenomenon.

In fact, the notion of a "good" or "bad" emotion is a fallacy. Only when we accept all our emotions and allow them to flow will we not be trapped in a cycle of emotions and unable to extricate ourselves.

Indeed, a considerable number of our so-called negative emotions serve positive functions. For instance, sadness can be regarded as a cry for help. When we are sad, we can attract the attention and sympathy of others, which may result in our being treated as weaklings. This affords us temporary safety and protection from others' attacks. Furthermore, the comfort and persuasion of others can facilitate the acquisition of knowledge and understanding that may not have been previously accessible to us.

It is therefore recommended that one should attempt to accept one's sad emotions. When one does not suppress them and allows one's emotions to flow naturally, one will feel incredibly relaxed and at ease.

2. It is advisable to express sadness and grief in moderation.

It is a common misconception that crying is a sign of shame and is therefore a cowardly act. This is, in fact, a fallacy. Crying is an effective method of releasing emotions.

The release of toxins through tears has been demonstrated to have a cleansing effect on both the mind and body. The excretion of toxic substances from the body has also been observed to occur concurrently with the production of tears. Research conducted at the Ramsey Medical Center in St. Paul, Minnesota, USA, has revealed that tears, like other excretory processes (including exhalation, sweating, and urination), facilitate the removal of stress hormones and toxins from the body while simultaneously inducing a state of relaxation in the mind.

The act of crying has been demonstrated to be an effective method of stress relief. Tears have been identified as the most efficacious "remedy" for alleviating mental burdens. Statistical evidence indicates that men cry approximately one-fifth as often as women, which is likely attributable to the tendency of men to suppress their emotions and refrain from crying in situations where it would be appropriate to do so. Consequently, women are less susceptible to infarction and stroke resulting from nervous tension than men, and women typically live longer than men.

Indeed, when one is wronged or tormented by grief, the act of crying can serve as an effective means of releasing pent-up emotional distress, thereby promoting an improvement in one's mood.

In such instances, it is important to allow oneself to experience the full range of emotions, including tears, rather than attempting to suppress them.

In addition to crying, there are numerous other ways to express one's emotions. For instance, it is possible to inform one's counselor of one's feelings. This will not only assist in one's ability to better understand and accept oneself, but it will also facilitate the progress of the counseling. One can also write down one's feelings and emotions on paper, use words to express one's sadness and grief, or find other individuals who can understand and support one in talking to them. One can also draw pictures and express oneself in the process of drawing.

In conclusion, for an individual who is observant and inclined to introspection, this awareness is likely to facilitate a more profound understanding of the self. It is also this writer's belief that with the assistance of a counselor and one's own sustained efforts to develop and expand one's personality, the individual will gain a more comprehensive and mature personality and embrace a better and happier life.

I extend my best wishes to you.

Hello, question asker! I can totally feel your shame. I bet you've been suppressing your tears since childhood, right? But it's so great that you can feel the urge to cry!

There's no need to rush! I really hope the poster can let all those emotions out and just flow naturally.

1. "I've been getting psychological counseling for over three years now, and I just love my current counselor! She's so kind, professional, and gentle, and she's a perfect fit for me.

But for some reason, whenever I meet with a counselor, no matter which one, I just can't seem to let go of myself when I feel sad and want to cry.

I really want to cry, but I hold back the tears, feeling a bit ashamed and weak, and afraid of being seen by others when I walk out of the counseling room. Sometimes my voice is so hoarse that I can't say anything.

The counselor noticed and encouraged me to release my emotions, but I was afraid to take that step. I just couldn't bring myself to do it! So I have never cried in front of anyone other than myself, including her.

Sometimes it was an online phone consultation, where I silently shed tears on this end, and I was afraid to make a sound of crying, even if it was just the sound of sniffling.

(1) I'm so happy for the questioner! I think it's wonderful that they've found a counselor who's a great fit.

Question (2) It's totally okay to let yourself cry! Crying is a great way to relieve mental and physical exhaustion, as well as negative emotions. And it's not a sign of weakness. In fact, I believe that crying can help to relieve fatigue, and it's a form of strength too!

I think it would be really helpful for the questioner to sit quietly in a room, close their eyes, and think back to how many times they have wanted to cry but couldn't in the past. Look at that scene and hug the child from the past who wanted to cry but couldn't. Tell him, "Yes, I see you. I allow you to cry. You can cry. Past actions are limited to past circumstances and perceptions. Now that you're grown up, you're allowed to let your emotions flow. Look at him. What do you want to say? You can say it all.

If you feel like crying, give yourself permission to do so for as long as you need to until you feel your emotions have settled down.

(3) It's so wonderful that the questioner was able to let their emotions flow freely during the online phone consultation. When facing the counselor or others, it's also important to allow yourself to cry. The questioner only needs to remind themselves that crying can help relieve stress, that crying does not mean being weak, and that boys can also cry. Always remind yourself of this.

2. "I'll try to keep my voice calm and steady, even though I might find it hard to speak. Sometimes I just say 'hmm' softly. I'm not sure if I should tell the counselor, and I'm not sure if I should let others know that I've been in tears for a long time.

It's so hard when the consultation ends and the phone hangs up. We can't help but feel like crying and suffer, and we end up crying ourselves silly. It's so confusing! I don't know what to do. Sometimes I really want to just let nature take its course and cry.

After reading this, I really want to praise the original poster. You are really great! Just let your emotions flow naturally like this, and allow and accept yourself. You're not ready to tell your counselor or others, and you don't care whether the counselor can perceive it or not. Just let your emotions flow naturally, and allow yourself to cry when you want to cry, and cry naturally. After your emotions have stabilized, say to yourself: "I see you, thank you, I love you ❤️ I have grown up, I am already an adult, the past is over, the present is important, I love you."

I'm here for you if you need to practice a few more times.

I really hope my answer is helpful!

It is evident that you possess the capacity for introspection and are amenable to diverse problem-solving methodologies. Following an extended period of introspection, it is apparent that you have attained a more profound comprehension of your own identity and have undergone significant personal growth.

On the one hand, you appear to have confidence in your current counselor. However, on the other hand, you seem to be reluctant to reveal yourself completely, even in her presence.

It would be beneficial to ascertain your automatic response mode when you choose to hide yourself. Additionally, it would be advantageous to identify the emotions and thoughts that have been preventing you from expressing yourself.

What is the true meaning of revealing one's authentic self? What are the implications for the other person?

To what extent are your concerns based on automatic reactions, and to what extent on rational exploration and reflection? Which experiences have shaped your automatic response patterns?

In which circumstances is your coping style still efficacious, and in which circumstances might you benefit from further improvement?

It may be beneficial to attempt to express oneself a little more in a safer situation and to utilize factual experience to repeatedly test one's automatic response patterns. It is not necessary to undergo a complete transformation; rather, gradual adjustments can be made to achieve a balance between one's diverse needs.

The process of growth is contingent upon a constant awareness of one's self, acceptance of one's circumstances, and a balance between these two states of mind.

Hello, topic starter. Your words feel like meeting you in person.

I feel for you. I feel shame and fear when I'm with other people. I try to hide my sadness. I never let my heartache flow. I'm left alone to lick my wounds.

You have lived alone like a soldier.

Your armor is a product of your past experiences. You were taught not to show weakness or be bad, so you made yourself an armor to gain love.

Mulan has grown up. She wants to feel loved and understood.

But her armor, as if possessed, refused to let her go. It was afraid, worried that Mulan would get hurt again. It had protected her for so long. It was afraid that no one would love her more than it did.

It didn't want to see its beloved little girl so sad. They had been together for years, and who could easily say goodbye! Mulan was no different. Every time she made a dark resolution, it was accompanied by pain...

In the dark room, they warmed each other and snuggled close. She had her fears and it had its worries.

The door opened a little, and light came in. What happened next is up to you.

Hello, question asker!

I'm Kelly, and I'm so excited to tell you all about my journey! After reading your sharing, I feel that every sentence speaks to the core of my heart. Usually my friends also always say to me, "You're so strong!" But I know myself. Behind being "strong" is weakness, and this has been the case since I was a child.

My mother was an amazingly strong person who was afraid to cry as a child and only dared to cry in secret.

That was until I later went for counseling, which was a truly life-changing experience!

I've put together a few reasons for you here:

1: The emphasis on self-identity is on the incredible, psychological and physical experience of the self, and the amazing feelings developed with the self at the center.

Absolutely! Just as when looking in the mirror, if a child's feelings and needs are reflected back to them by their mother as welcome and care, then the child will feel that their feelings are okay and that they are welcome.

And the best part is that when he looks in the mirror, he doesn't lose the most important thing about himself – his feelings!

But here's the good news! If the child often sees indifference and aggression in the mirror, then the child will feel that his feelings are not allowed.

And the indifference and aggression in the mirror will have an impact on him, and he will have the opportunity to learn how to deal with it when he grows up.

I remember when I was a child, whenever I cried, my mother would scold me severely. This made me even more determined not to cry as I grew older.

2: As we grow up, we become increasingly concerned about what other people think of us. And you know what? These opinions become ingrained in our minds, without us even being aware of them!

Guess what! Most of these views are formed based on other people's reactions or subjective facts.

I'm not afraid to show my emotions! I just don't do it in front of my parents, close friends, or even in an intimate relationship. I feel that if I cry, I'll put pressure and a burden on others.

I always feel that if I express my emotions and needs, I'll be causing trouble for them. But I'm excited to see what I can do to make things better!

3: I feel that I am still stuck in the relationships I had as a child, when in fact everyone I meet in life is different — and that's a wonderful thing!

As a child, I was afraid to cry. But as I grew up, I realized that I was living for other people every day, and it was exhausting.

Perhaps I have an extreme inferiority complex, and I usually pay special attention to what other people think of me when I speak and act.

Sometimes I feel a little uneasy, but that's okay! I've done nothing wrong.

4: I'm used to swallowing all my grievances and digesting them alone, and I'm proud of myself for doing so!

And it's not just the grievance that's digested, but the sense of shame that lies behind it too!

This sense of shame is what you felt as a child. After being ignored, you felt that you were not important, and neither was your existence. But there's so much more to the story!

Through studying psychology,

I have slowly found the reason, and it's been an amazing journey!

I have also come to feel that crying is a normal and wonderful emotional response. Now, when I talk to friends and something touches my heart, I let the tears flow naturally, accepting and allowing myself.

The Japanese writer Osamu Dazai once said something that really stuck with me: "My whole life has been filled with shame. I can't even guess what a normal person's life is like."

Shame is the desire to be loved, and it's also the fear of not being loved.

I'm thrilled to hear that you have a favorite counselor and that you are gradually exploring and discovering yourself together!