32 years old, yet on the brink of a breakup, does my girlfriend's mental health seem unbalanced?

Your girlfriend is unstable. Sometimes she is restless, and sometimes she is depressed. This is worrying, and you need to make some adjustments.

You're over 30 and have been with your girlfriend for a while. She gets angry and sometimes breaks things.

It makes people think there's a chance of violence.

She may still be thinking about the past and unable to move on. This can make her and those around her unhappy. Why dwell on the negative? Since it happened, you should just move on.

Just stop seeing her brother. Then you want to give her more comfort, but she doesn't appreciate it. It is really terrifying and laughable.

I don't think many people would accept these accusations and suspicions because everyone needs dignity. You can see what this state of indifference has brought you: sadness. Have you felt happiness in this relationship?

You're already desperate and uncomfortable. If you want to save your love, try counseling. Maybe she'll realize there's still a chance for change. Then you can live comfortably and freely. Good luck.

ZQ?

Greetings,

The emotional interactions between the two parties involved are consistently characterized by conflict, resulting in feelings of desperation for both. What is the optimal course of action to resolve this issue? Let us collaborate to identify a solution.

Intimate relationship patterns are a model that is learned from early interactions with parents, siblings, and other family members. This model is then automatically applied to subsequent interactions with loved ones. From the description, it can be seen that this pattern of interaction, which was originally learned in the context of the original family, is not suitable for the current relationship between the subject and their girlfriend. This is a normal phenomenon, as each individual's original family situation is unique, and the pattern of interaction may conflict with the needs of a new intimate relationship.

It is crucial to comprehend this concept, as it illustrates that the issue does not pertain to a lack of love between you and your girlfriend. Rather, it is the inability to fulfill each other's needs within the evolving intimate dynamic that has led to the current challenges in the relationship.

It is therefore imperative to identify a harmonious and mutually respectful approach to facilitate the resolution of emotional conflicts. The following specific coping strategies are recommended and it is hoped that they will prove beneficial.

(1) The body's memory is resistant to forgetting.

As previously stated, the mode of interaction within the original family unit is learned, thereby establishing a correlation between the generation of emotions and the formation of a "habit." This "habit" is not contingent upon the duration since the occurrence of an event; rather, its manifestation is dependent upon the recurrence of events with analogous circumstances. In the event of such a recurrence, the emotions associated with the original event will resurface; in the absence of such a recurrence, these emotions will not manifest.

The book The Body Never Forgets also posits that recurrent events, physical reactions triggered by such events, including emotions, feelings of heartache, and feelings of worthlessness resulting from abandonment, are firmly retained in our memories and are not easily forgotten.

This can explain why she continues to ruminate on an event that occurred a considerable time ago, which is the source of the questioner's confusion: "It has been more than half a year since she had a disagreement with her brother, and she is adept at involuntarily revisiting past negative experiences."

(2) What specific verbal or non-verbal behaviors exhibited by the other party during the original family dynamic evoked feelings of being unloved, which subsequently triggered emotional responses of anger, sadness, and distress?

For example, she may have been content a moment ago, but then suddenly become enraged upon returning from doing the dishes. She begins to swear and attempts to throw items around uncontrollably. Upon inquiring about the source of her distress, she reveals that she is contemplating a past altercation with her brother, citing his reprehensible behavior (her brother did not attend high school and is characterized by a sense of entitlement and arrogance).

At this juncture, it is advisable to listen to the other person's accounts of their interactions with their family members in a patient and understanding manner, thereby allowing them to express their dissatisfaction and vent their frustrations as often as necessary during the course of the narrative. After a few iterations, their emotional state will begin to stabilize.

In psychology, this is referred to as narrative therapy or desensitization therapy. The premise is that repeated exposure to a particular stimulus leads to a reduction in its sensitivity.

One can simply act as an effective listener, without forming judgments about the situation or the individual in question. When this is done successfully, one can empathize with the other person and say, "You have been wronged."

(3) The emotional response is a manifestation of unmet needs on the part of the other person.

Following the completion of the washing of dishes, the subject displays a marked change in mood. This may be attributed to the perception that the current family members treat her in a manner similar to that of her relatives in her previous family, resulting in a lack of the feeling of being "cherished." This may be regarded as a triggering of an old emotional pattern. Alternatively, the washing of dishes may be regarded as something the subject is reluctant to do, but feels compelled to do in order to maintain harmony within the family unit.

Following a tantrum, it is possible to offer the following response: "Honey, next time you don't want to do the dishes, I'll do them," which demonstrates a willingness to meet the other person's needs through concrete action.

In what ways might one discern the needs of others in particular circumstances?

The initial step is to listen.

Complaints expressed by another individual represent a specific need. When another person accuses you of inaction, their underlying need is for you to take action.

To illustrate, my husband frequently asserts that I neglect to water the plants in the morning. Initially, I was irritated and questioned his rationale, wondering why he did not perform this task himself and whether I was already burdened with an excessive number of responsibilities in the morning.

"The entire group was visibly disgruntled about this matter. This morning, the subject was revisited, prompting me to respond with a composed and measured reply. I informed him that henceforth, I would be mindful of his request and would undertake the watering of his plants. However, in the event of my forgetfulness, he was free to perform this task himself."

He expressed considerable satisfaction with this outcome.

Secondly, one may inquire directly of the other person as to the necessary course of action (if the other person is amenable).

If we do not share our thoughts, it is exhausting for the other person to guess what we are thinking, and it also leads to cognitive errors. The expectation that one's partner should understand their thoughts and act on them is a pitfall in intimate relationships. It is important to be intentional about improving this expectation.

(4) Mutual tolerance is of significant importance.

The ability to tolerate another person's flaws is an essential aspect of loving someone. It is important to recognise that nobody is perfect and that there will always be aspects of another person's behaviour that are not ideal. By tolerating another person's imperfections, we are simultaneously developing our own character and capacity for love.

It is my hope that these suggestions will prove beneficial.

Best regards,

Hello!

I saw your question. I can tell you're distressed and confused. You feel pain and despair about your relationship. You don't know what to do.

Let's solve the problem.

Your girlfriend's moods are very volatile. She feels like a manic-depressive.

She used to be happy, but now she gets angry when she comes back from washing the dishes. She swears, gets carried away, and thinks about past arguments with her brother.

She reacts indifferently to your concern and comfort, then blames you for the problems. Her attitude is coercive and authoritarian. After this, she cries and says she is fine.

This has happened many times, and you both want the relationship to work.

Where is your relationship going?

1. You've been too passive in this relationship. You and your girlfriend have lost confidence in it. You've been together a long time and have even met the parents. When did your girlfriend start losing control of her emotions? Did you notice it after you started living together?

2. Did you notice her like this in your previous relationship? What was your pattern of getting along like?

You can't have found so many problems only after you started living together. Was she in a good mood when you were together normally? Could she have been stressed?

With limited info, it's hard to judge.

3. You will come to the platform to seek help. You still love her, but her state of mind is frustrating and trying for you. Have you tried to communicate with her? Is your girlfriend willing to communicate with you further?

Take her to see a counselor.

4. If you can't bear to leave her, stay by her side. You can't leave her just because she's not well. She's in pain, but you can't control your emotions. Think about how to solve the immediate problem, then talk about the future.

I hope this helps. Love,

Dear questioner, You are currently in your thirties, and your relationship with your girlfriend has reached the point where you are meeting her parents and discussing marriage. At this time, you notice that your girlfriend's mood is not very stable, and you suspect that she has psychological problems. You are at a loss as to where your relationship is heading. You need to take control of the situation. Hugs to you.

We must address a few issues.

First, your girlfriend has bipolar disorder. The latest academic term is bipolar disorder.

I need to know what is wrong with my girlfriend.

I need to know how I can help myself and others.

My girlfriend does not have bipolar disorder.

Let me be clear: there is no evidence that your girlfriend has bipolar disorder. From your description, I don't think it's bipolar disorder.

The final result must be diagnosed by a doctor. If you suspect she has bipolar disorder, take her to the hospital for a diagnosis. Do not jump to conclusions.

Bipolar disorder: During a manic episode, the patient will display elevated mood, increased verbal activity, and energetic behavior. During a depressive episode, the patient will exhibit signs of depressed mood, loss of pleasure, decreased verbal activity, fatigue, and lethargy. The clinical manifestations of the patient are complex and irregular, accompanied by symptoms of distractibility, rashness, exaggeration, flight of ideas, high reactivity, reduced sleep, and increased speech.

Anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, substance abuse, hallucinations, delusions, or other psychotic symptoms such as tension are also possible.

Let me be clear: the ups and downs of bipolar disorder don't happen instantly. A manic or hypomanic episode can last for several days, and the person can be in a high mood without needing to rest much. You can't comfort her a little and expect her to calm down. She won't become agitated for a few minutes and then turn depressed. This is not how it works.

I think you understand.

I need to know what the girlfriend's real psychological problem is.

Your girlfriend has emotional reflux and unresolved traumas in her heart—that's obvious from your description.

You need to understand what really happened between her and her brother. I'm not just talking about the minor incident that caused the argument. You need to understand their relationship from beginning to end, from childhood to adulthood.

You may think the incident that triggered the argument is insignificant, but to her, it has caused significant emotional trauma. It's time to recognize that it's not the last straw that breaks the camel's back.

She has likely been unhappy with her brother for a long time. What you think is insignificant may be a major issue for her.

I need to know how to help myself and others.

You must first protect yourself before helping others. You don't have to help her. You get to decide whether to stay in the relationship or leave. If you feel uncomfortable with her and you can't regulate your emotions, you can break up with her. You don't have to force yourself to help her.

You must be prepared to handle your relationship with her and be able to help her. All the following suggestions are based on this assumption.

Listen, empathize, support, and accompany. Your girlfriend has psychological trauma, and you need to accept that.

When she is once again caught up in negative emotions, you may be eager to get her out of them immediately, to guide her to downplay the situation, and you may say, "It's over now, it's fine now." However, you must resist this urge. Denying her painful feelings will only cause her emotions to become even more intense.

It is crucial to express, see, and acknowledge her sadness, fear, and anger. Nobody wants to become a victim of traumatic events in silence. When you're unsure of what to say, simply listen attentively and respond with supportive and empathetic statements like "I understand you," "You are really pitiful," "How could he do that?" and so on.

Simple, supportive words are often all it takes to encourage someone. Denying the other person's emotions will only lead to resentment and the feeling that you're not facing the difficulties together.

When she has sought your understanding, she will move on to the next step, which is to repeatedly tell you about her traumatic experience. At this time, you must continue to be empathetic and supportive.

You will be a safe and powerful presence, accompanying her as she relives the scene again and again. This is the process of her reframing the trauma story.

When he describes the most painful part, you must respond, "You must have been very sad at that time." With each retelling, you will notice that some details in the story keep changing, and slowly some more powerful parts will emerge.

She will also continue to recover and grow.

In helping her, you must be aware of your own emotions. Sometimes, you will be swept along by other people's negative emotions; sometimes, other people's experiences will also trigger negative feelings in you of having similar experiences.

At this point, it is essential to pause and detach your emotions from the situation at hand. Meditation, exercise, and other techniques can effectively redirect your attention, help you adjust, and create space for leisure and relaxation.

Don't give up your social connections. They'll help you communicate better with the outside world and actively participate in gatherings with friends. If her negative emotions disrupt your stable life, seek help from the outside. Find a trustworthy friend to talk to about your stress and recent situation.

These tips will help you see things from a different perspective. Use them. I wish you and your girlfriend all the best.

By hugging the question owner, you can gain insight into your attachment to these four years of relationship. This can also help you recognize your feelings of helplessness and despair regarding your girlfriend's state.

If I may, I would like to take a moment to reflect on the state you describe your girlfriend as being in.

"Often, just when you're happy, she'll suddenly become upset when she comes back from doing the dishes, swearing and trying to break things with her hands and feet.

"She tends to find reasons to be unhappy with me and sometimes expresses her feelings in a way that can come across as forced and domineering. After this state of apathy, she often starts to cry and feel sad again."

It may be the case that your girlfriend has been triggered by a negative past experience, which has resulted in her current state of instability.

Perhaps she is reluctant to confront the issue directly. For instance, when you offer her comfort and guidance, she may not respond in a way that indicates she is receptive.

It is possible that these emotional knots, which have been present for some time, may have an impact on those around her.

It is difficult to predict when she will suddenly become unhappy again, and it is challenging to know how to comfort her better.

As a result, it is likely that you will both feel tired and desperate during your time together.

How might you better adjust yourself?

Perhaps it would be helpful to try spending some time apart for a while.

It's not a breakup, but rather a need for both people to take some time apart to calmly reflect on how they interact with each other.

If the questioner is concerned that direct communication might make his girlfriend feel uncomfortable,

You might consider expressing your feelings over this period of time by writing a letter.

Perhaps it would be helpful to suggest to your girlfriend that she take some time to calm down, so that you can both find a way to get along better and continue moving forward together.

Secondly, it may be helpful to consider ways of expressing love and warmth to your girlfriend.

It seems that these behaviors in girls may be due to a lack of security and love.

It might be worth considering whether her family's communication style could also be perceived as somewhat coercive and authoritarian.

It may be the case that she is simply used to communicating in this way, without intending any harm.

It is possible that a girl who lacks love at home may seek love and attention in intimate relationships even more.

However, she is also concerned that if she becomes too dependent on you, it might result in a loss of your affection.

As a result, the love she shows you may come across as somewhat detached.

It might be helpful to remember that she may appear to be a confident and composed person on the outside, but that she is actually a vulnerable and hurting child on the inside.

It is likely that you will do your utmost to love and influence her.

It is still possible to show her love and warmth even if you don't live together, provided that the host is sincere and honest.

I believe that, despite her best intentions, the other party will gradually be influenced. She wants to do well by you, but she just can't.

If the opportunity arises, it might be helpful to have an open conversation with the girl's parents to see if there's a need for professional support.

I believe that you and your girlfriend's parents both care deeply for her and want to see her improve.

By maintaining a united front, you can facilitate constructive communication.

Even though you may be close, it's important to remember that she is still an independent individual with her own past experiences.

You might find it helpful to ask your parents for their support, as they may have a better understanding of your daughter's situation.

You will also be able to discern the best course of action for your daughter.

Ultimately, it is important to show your love and attention, and to adjust your own state of mind.

It is undoubtedly challenging to have been in a relationship for four years and to have not given up.

"Interaction patterns have emerged on numerous occasions throughout the course of our relationship."

I'm not sure how the OP has managed to get through this challenging situation.

I truly believe that you have done your utmost to love this relationship, regardless of the outcome.

It is worth noting that intimate relationships can have a profound impact on us, and it is possible that you may eventually feel exhausted.

Perhaps it would be helpful to take some time to step back, regain your rationality and calm, and re-evaluate the situation between the two of you.

It would be beneficial to adjust your own state.

It is important to consider whether the relationship can continue to be a positive one for both people involved. It is also essential to recognise that the relationship requires the efforts of both people to manage and protect. It is unlikely that relying on the efforts of just one person will lead to a happy ending. I wish you both the best and hope that tomorrow will bring positive changes.

First and foremost, it is recommended that the original poster be embraced in a gesture of affection.

In this intimate relationship, a considerable number of unmet desires have been accumulated, which has resulted in a profound sense of distress and entanglement. Based on your description, it can be inferred that you are a highly responsible individual who has demonstrated considerable effort in this relationship.

However, despite these efforts, the situation seems to be getting worse. As the relationship progresses, the level of distress seems to increase.

In order to elucidate this concept, it is essential to comprehend two fundamental principles.

1. The majority of individuals possess some degree of unresolved emotional issues. These issues reside deeply within the subconscious mind and are obscured by the persona one presents in daily life. For instance, an individual may adopt different personas at work, school, and home to cope with varying circumstances. However, these personas will conceal one's genuine inner aspirations, which, if unacknowledged, may gradually transform into shadows.

2. Shadows can only be revealed in the presence of the closest people. The fact that your girlfriend can reveal these shadows to you demonstrates that she trusts you.

If one is able to grasp these two points, it becomes evident that the experiences undergone in this relationship are universal to all intimate relationships. The fact that this stage has been reached signifies that significant progress has been made, and that a level of trust has been achieved.

This process may be painful, but it is an essential part of the growth process. By confronting our own shadows, we can facilitate our own personal growth and become better individuals. Similarly, by supporting our partner in confronting their shadows, we can learn to love them more fully.

The capacity to love others properly is contingent upon the ability to love oneself properly.

How might we love others properly? At the very least, we must understand our own longing. Our inner child can only be healed by ourselves.

A partner is not a means of fulfilling one's own needs; rather, they serve as a mirror, enabling one to gain a more accurate understanding of oneself.

We will refrain from commenting on the amount of effort you have invested in your relationship, as this is a matter for you to address. The following discussion employs terms that are neutral in meaning and do not carry any positive or negative connotations. We ask that you treat these terms with respect and objectivity.

1. The expectations held by the individual in this intimate relationship.

From your description, it appears that you may be highly concerned with the opinions of others and your need for external validation. This form of approval can provide a sense of worth and satisfaction. Consequently, we may engage in certain "pleasing" behaviors, which are actions that contradict our own values, solely to meet the expectations of others or to receive praise.

It is important to note that there is nothing inherently wrong with this behavior. However, it is crucial to recognize that it may not necessarily yield the desired outcome. It is possible that others may not reciprocate in the manner anticipated, or even at all.

2. How should one respond to these expectations?

It is imperative that you return to your own heart and examine your genuine desires. You have the option of allowing yourself a period of independent growth, participating in psychological training, or engaging in sand table activities and other healing activities to gain insight into your inner expectations and meet them.

The capacity to love oneself is a prerequisite for loving others.

3. How to facilitate healing in a partner

When an individual learns to love themselves and cease living in accordance with the expectations of others, the childlike aspect of their psyche, which may have been wounded by these expectations, can begin to heal. In this way, the individual is better able to accept and tolerate their partner when she is in a state of emotional distress.

It is important to note that "appeasing" and "tolerating" are not synonymous.

The method for addressing the shadow is straightforward: it is necessary to accept it in its current state. There should be no fear, rejection, or judgment; rather, the shadow should be accepted as it is. Over time, the shadow will transform into a gift.

It may appear challenging initially, but with the right approach, it can be accomplished. By shifting the focus from attempting to alter your partner's behavior to seeking insights within oneself, the transformation can be achieved in a relatively short period. However, if the process proves to be more arduous than anticipated and one becomes overly influenced by their partner's negative emotions, it may necessitate a period of personal growth.

It should be noted that modifying one's own behavior can be challenging for individuals lacking a psychological foundation. During this period, it is advisable to seek guidance from qualified counselors and therapists.

It is also possible to consider the option of "giving up," but it is essential to undertake a rational assessment of the potential consequences of doing so. Firstly, given the difficulty of reaching this level of emotional attachment and the fact that the couple have already lived together, it is important to take responsibility for one's girlfriend.

Secondly, should the relationship with the current girlfriend be terminated, and should the individual's behavioural patterns remain unaltered, it is probable that similar issues will manifest in future intimate relationships.

This is my response. I hope it proves useful. Best wishes,

Hello!

Host,

I read the post and it seems you both feel powerless and desperate in the relationship. The poster also sought help, which will help her understand herself and her girlfriend better and make decisions that suit her.

I will also share my thoughts in the post to help the hostess understand the situation better.

1. Think about if you can handle your girlfriend's emotions.

Your girlfriend has trauma from her original family and has suppressed a lot of emotions. Otherwise, her emotions would not be so easily out of control. When she loses control, she blames you. This hurts and confuses you, right?

She may not have meant to do this, but she was out of control and unable to control herself. These actions are not directed at you and have nothing to do with you. She is just expressing her pent-up emotions.

This situation will be hard for you. You will be tired. The host needs to think about whether you can handle this and if you are ready.

If not, think it through.

2. Does your girlfriend know she needs to change?

We can't change other people, but if she realizes she has problems and needs to change, the situation will improve.

If you can't help her change, don't force it. You can also seek help.

There are many counselors and listening rooms on the platform. The host can work on this. These traumas can be healed.

She's just a girlfriend, and I can't face it yet. If you can get help from a counselor, you can learn to grow and get out of your family's trauma.

If you can, help your girlfriend find a counselor. Once she grows up, she may surprise you.

This is also a challenge to your relationship, but it's also an opportunity to understand yourself better.

3. Take care of yourself.

All relationships have good and bad parts. If we build a firewall to protect ourselves from the bad parts, we can enjoy the good parts more.

A computer can function normally because it has a defense system. The important thing is for the host to take care of themselves first.

Don't take her complaints and accusations personally. They're her issues, not yours.

Separating problems helps you take better care of yourself. A good relationship can handle both good and bad.

The host can work on this. If you go down this path, you have to figure out how to live better.

There's a story about Socrates. One day, he was talking with his friends when his wife wanted to call her to help spin the laundry. He didn't go, so she poured a basin of water over him. His friends were embarrassed, but he said, "I know it will rain."

He was tolerant of his wife, and this allowed him to become a great philosopher.

I hope these words help the host. I'm Zeng Chen, a psychological coach at One Mind.

I'm really sorry, but there's a limit to the platform and you can only write 400 characters when asking a question. That means I can't include all the information I'd like to in the question, so I'll include more in the answer. Thank you so much for your help – I really appreciate it!

I've been with my lovely girlfriend for four years, and one of those years was spent in a long-distance relationship. At the time, she was studying abroad, and I was working in China.

After she came back from studying abroad, we started living together a few months later. We also met each other's relatives and parents. That's when I noticed that my girlfriend had a very unhealthy mentality and was very moody. It's like the symptoms of bipolar disorder, but I still love her and want to help her.

For example, she would often be happy and then suddenly fly into a rage when she came back from washing the dishes, swearing and trying to break things with her hands and feet as if they were not under control. When I asked her what was wrong, she said she remembered arguing with her brother in the past and the disgusting look on his face (her brother did not go to high school and was spoiled and arrogant). But the argument with her brother was more than half a year ago, and she is very good at uncontrollably rehashing the past.

I really care about her and want to comfort her or give her advice, but she doesn't seem to want to talk about it. After a while, she gets upset with me for some reason and starts blaming me. She expresses these things in a way that feels a bit controlling. After this state of indifference, she starts crying again, but when I ask her what's wrong, she says she's fine.

This pattern of interaction has occurred countless times in our relationship. Looking back, it feels like there is a minor quarrel every three days and a major quarrel every five days, and it is difficult to have a long period of rest and relaxation. When this happens, I used to comfort her by admitting my fault. Now I'm not sure what to do, and the cycle repeats itself endlessly, which is exhausting.

She also finds it hard to take any advice or opinions. When I gently remind her that it is best to sort things into categories so that they don't get lost, she feels that I am criticizing her for not tidying up.

In this sometimes grumpy, sometimes sad and depressed state, she was already in before returning to China, and it lasted a long time. After returning to China, I tried to help her, and I felt that she was doing better, but I realized that I was just treating the symptoms and not the root cause. She didn't think she had any problems, denied that she was sick, and then refused to see a doctor. If I tried to make her think that she had any problems, she would break down in hysterics.

I feel so bad when she has these reactions. I just want to wrap my arms around her and tell her everything's going to be okay! But then, after a while, she'll come over to comfort me again when she's in a better mood. When comforting me, I must never show that she has any problems, otherwise she'll enter this manic-depressive state again.

Guess what! I suddenly realised that I don't actually want to marry her. I had a little think about what it would be like to live alone and do my own thing, and it made me feel so much better!

If we do end up breaking up, I'd really love to know what I should do about the other person's parents and relatives. Their family is very traditional, they tend to value sons over daughters, and they're not always the best at expressing their feelings. My mother already treats her like a daughter, and I'm just so worried about what it'll do to our two families if we really do break up.

I'm a guy, but I've cried so many times because of this girlfriend. It's really tough.