A 13-year-old girl, in middle school, everyone does not understand me, what should I do if I don't want to live anymore?

Hello, host!

As I mentioned yesterday, it's possible that you have a mother who isn't open to listening to you and only wants you to listen to her. It's possible that her need is simply to control you, and behind the need for control, she may not be able to perceive or discern what her real needs are. In this situation, it might be helpful for you to focus on other aspects of yourself.

It's so important to identify your own and your mother's rights and responsibilities when it comes to training self-differentiation.

It's so sad when mom doesn't keep her word. Not only did she not give you a valid reason, she lectured and scolded you to avoid dealing with her own poor behavior. I'm sure she knows that what she did was bad, but she doesn't have the courage to face her own unfaithful self. But I believe that mom herself is completely unaware of this. In her mind, you are in the wrong because you are not worthy of making a request and should never have bothered her with it in the first place.

This is a perfect example of how a mother who doesn't know herself can act. She can't tell where her bad mood comes from, so she blames you for making her feel this way. This also means that she doesn't know her own needs, and she's even more confused about your rights and responsibilities and her own rights and responsibilities. An adult who knows herself understands that it's okay for someone to make demands, and that it's up to each of us to take care of our own needs and the emotions they bring up.

You have every right to ask to go to the library to study. As long as you don't break any laws or rules, you can ask to try anything you want. However, you are still a minor, so you are not yet able to take full responsibility for your own attempts. Children sometimes don't know that some attempts are very dangerous and can hurt themselves or others, which is why they need the supervision of a legal guardian. Your mother is your legal guardian, so of course she has the right to say no. For example, she doesn't feel safe letting you go to the library alone on the way there and back, and she doesn't trust you.

She has the right to say no, but that right is there to protect you from harm, not to abuse it to lecture and abuse you with verbal violence. It seems like she might be denying your right to demand certain things because she thinks you don't deserve them. This might be a reflection of her inability to distinguish between her rights and responsibilities. Ideally, her rights and responsibilities should be to protect you, but it seems like what she's doing might be the opposite.

So, here's what you can do for yourself: learn to see this clearly. Your mother has misused her right (the right to prevent you from being harmed) and failed to fulfill her responsibility (the responsibility to prevent you from being harmed). And just because you have been treated this way, it does not mean that your right to make demands should be denied.

As your guardian, she also has the responsibility to meet your legitimate needs, such as supporting you until you reach adulthood, urging you to complete the nine years of compulsory education, and emotionally and psychologically caring for and supporting you. However, in the matter of studying at the library, it is likely that your mother has not fulfilled her responsibility to support you. If her purpose of blocking you is to protect you, the way to support you is to tell you why you are not allowed to go, and especially what consequences it will bring you.

But she didn't do that, so at this point, it's up to you to give yourself the support you need. This means affirming the legitimacy of your needs in your heart. You have every right to disagree with her views and actions, and you deserve to feel supported in your own beliefs.

It's so important to learn to distinguish between your own responsibilities and your mother's rights. This is a great opportunity to start practicing self-differentiation! You have the right to decide whether or not to mention your needs. Once you become an adult and are fully responsible for your own actions, you don't need to ask your mother for permission to go to the library. You have the right to make any decisions for yourself! It's also important to remember that your mother has the right to decide whether or not to satisfy you.

Everyone is responsible for their own needs, including asking for help or permission from others to meet their needs. You've done your part! You've asked your mother for permission to go for two months, and you've tried but failed to get it. You can consider temporarily giving up this need to be met, or at least consider giving up this way of "asking for permission" to meet your wishes.

It's true, though. Not all of our needs will be met, even if they're totally legitimate. It's a sad fact of life.

I'll be happy to answer that tomorrow and help you figure out what you can do for yourself.

I'm sorry, but I think I left something out.

I love you, and so does the world.

Good morning, host.

As previously stated, the legitimacy of an individual's needs does not guarantee their fulfillment. While this is an unfortunate reality, it is a fundamental truth that is challenging to alter. Today, we will examine this subject further and conclude our discussion.

In the event that one's needs are not being met, what recourse is available to the individual in question?

I would like to reiterate the point I made in my previous answer: it is important to identify your needs and affirm their legitimacy. This does not imply that you are undeserving of your needs. I emphasise this point because if a person is in an environment where their legitimate needs are often not met for a long time, it is easy for them to agree with the message that the environment brings to them: "I am bad, I don't deserve it."

Once this concept is firmly established, adults will also think this way reflexively, feel ashamed to express their needs, hesitate to ask for help, and suppress their needs, until they themselves become uncertain about what their needs truly are.

It is plausible that your mother experienced similar circumstances during her own upbringing and later years. This may have resulted in the formation of unmet needs that have become deeply buried, leading to their manifestation in various ways, such as controlling your behavior and displaying anger. This dynamic is likely to persist unless she experiences a significant level of distress, prompting her to seek personal transformation. However, the path to self-change is often challenging and lengthy.

In the event that a mother is confronted with a situation in which her daughter expresses a desire to utilize the library for academic pursuits, yet the daughter simultaneously expresses a preference for wearing a skirt and a lack of interest in her studies, it would be prudent for the mother to seek the counsel of a qualified professional in the field of psychology. There are now a plethora of online courses on family education that are highly beneficial for those seeking to enhance their knowledge and skills in this area. The mother's willingness to embrace change has the potential to positively influence the dynamics of the family unit.

It is recommended that the reader begin this process immediately. Each time a disagreement occurs with one's mother, the reader should attempt to engage in the practice of self-differentiation. This may prove an effective method for preventing the development of similar characteristics in the reader as those observed in the mother. Indeed, there is a high probability that the temperament and character of the mother will be reflected in the relationship between parent and child. This phenomenon is known as "intergenerational inheritance."

In the event that one's needs are not met, it is recommended that two courses of action be taken: firstly, one should learn to accept and soothe one's emotions through the medium of recording and writing; secondly, one should record one's needs and write down one's thoughts on said needs. It is important to note that the aforementioned first and second steps should be carried out simultaneously and intermittently. This is a point that requires further attention. To illustrate this point, the process of soothing one's emotions can begin by recording one's unmet needs.

For example, if an individual desires to utilize the library for academic pursuits but their request is denied, they will likely experience feelings of anger, frustration, and depression. Additionally, their minds will generate corresponding thoughts, particularly those aligned with their deeply held beliefs. In this case, the individual may perceive their mother's initial promise as a commitment that was subsequently broken. This leads to a questioning of the underlying motives and justifications for the denial of their request.

It is recommended that these feelings be recorded in written form or that a particular train of thought be followed.

These notes and reflections are intended for your personal use only. They provide an opportunity to record any negative emotions you may have towards your mother, which you may not feel able to express in her presence. By writing these emotions down, you can identify them and accept them.

In the absence of met needs and an inability to discern a logical rationale for this state of affairs, it is an inherent human tendency to experience negative emotions such as anger and sadness. These feelings may persist for an extended period. It is, therefore, essential to cultivate an understanding of one's own emotional landscape and recognize that these uncomfortable sentiments serve as valuable indicators of underlying distress. They alert us to the presence of an unresolved issue and the necessity of self-care to effect change.

Modifying the situation may entail altering the surrounding environment or identifying methods to alleviate distress. In some cases, modifying the situation may be challenging, particularly in the context of one's current circumstances. In such instances, it is beneficial to engage in self-soothing techniques. One effective approach is to record and document one's emotional experiences. This process can facilitate emotional expression, which in turn can promote recovery and calmness.

Emotions have their own patterns and require time and energy to work through. If negative emotions are left unchecked and become too strong, persistent, or frequent, they can damage our physical and mental health. For example, insomnia, which is already a distressing condition for an adolescent, will continue to quietly drain one's energy, leaving the individual in a state of exhaustion for a long time. This results in a lack of energy to focus on one's studies.

It is recommended that you record your feelings and also write self-soothing statements, such as "I accept these emotions" and "I will wait for you to dissipate until you are tired." It is important to recognize that these emotions are a form of guidance, indicating that you need to prioritize self-care and self-love. It is also essential to understand that your needs cannot be met and that it is acceptable to feel angry. You must recognize that when you prioritize self-care, these emotions will dissipate.

Furthermore, it can be reasonably assumed that in the future, when such unhappy events occur, you will seek guidance from me on how to care for yourself in this way.

One method of self-care is to maintain a record of your satisfied needs. It is possible that your mother also satisfied many of your other needs, but you were not aware of it. This is a natural human tendency: we tend to focus our attention on unmet needs, while neglecting to recognize the satisfaction of our other needs.

This allows for a more objective and fair evaluation of past experiences, which in turn improves one's mood. When an individual is solely focused on a particular event in which their needs were not met by their mother, they may fail to recognize the positive aspects of the relationship, leading to feelings of negativity and despair.

Additionally, one may consider alternative self-care strategies that align with their preferences. These may include relaxation techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, or rest; engaging with a source of positive distraction, such as music or reading; physical activity like exercise; or seeking support from a trusted individual. It is essential to persistently explore these options and discern which methods are most effective in specific circumstances.

My personal experience is that daily physical exercise is an effective method. Psychological research has also confirmed that long-term moderate exercise can improve mood and sleep. It is reasonable to assume that this would not be an objectionable practice to a mother.

The second step is to maintain a record of unmet needs and a list of desired needs, and to learn to evaluate and reflect on these needs. It is important to note that there are innumerable unmet needs in everyone's life. This fact should be emphasized again to help the reader feel better: not all legitimate needs will be met. The root of the problem is that everyone except the reader has the right not to meet the reader's needs.

This situation is undoubtedly regrettable. However, if one were to adopt a different perspective, the emotional response would likely be significantly altered. In the event that your mother requests something of you in the future, you would then have the prerogative to decline her request.

Adherence to this belief allows one to withstand criticism for being heartless and unfilial and to refrain from satisfying her needs in a way that causes harm to oneself.

It is therefore recommended that a list be compiled of unmet needs, that each need be evaluated in terms of its importance and desirability, and that any needs that are deemed important be placed on a wish list. The time required to satisfy each need should also be recorded, and a plan should be devised for how each need can be met in the future.

For example, on this occasion, I did not visit the library to study. Consequently, I must wait until I commence my studies at university to make up for this by visiting the library myself, perhaps on numerous occasions, in order to compensate for this. Over time, you may find that you have a lengthy wish list.

Following a period of time, it is advisable to undertake a review and analysis of your needs, to record your thoughts, to cross out any wishes that have become less important, and to cross out any needs that cannot actually be fulfilled in reality. This approach will enable you to gradually filter out the needs that are truly important to you.

The benefits of persisting with this self-training are numerous. Initially, one can learn to discern their genuine needs. Subsequently, one can learn to employ diverse strategies to fulfill their needs. For instance, if one's mother prohibits them from studying in the library, they can solicit assistance from other individuals, such as their teachers and classmates, their parents, or their elders at home.

The third step is to gradually develop the ability to differentiate between the various levels of one's own needs, including discerning between those that are reasonable and those that are not, as well as between those that can be fulfilled in reality and those that cannot. Additionally, it is essential to identify and abandon those needs that are not aligned with one's core values and aspirations.

It is imperative that children engage in introspective and self-directed training. Those who are young and are subjected to parental suppression and denial of their needs, particularly when such actions are carried out by parents who abuse their power and fail to fulfill their responsibilities, may develop into adults who are unable to think critically and distinguish between right and wrong. These individuals may resort to maladaptive coping mechanisms in an attempt to fulfill their unmet needs, which may manifest in various distorted ways and prevent them from recognizing their genuine needs. Driven by negative emotions, they may engage in self-destructive behaviors, such as becoming overly invested in games to the point of losing touch with reality or resorting to violence, substance abuse, or theft.

The capacity to discern one's own needs and to make autonomous decisions that are genuinely beneficial to oneself necessitates the undertaking of long-term self-training.

It is acknowledged that for an individual of 13 years of age, it is challenging to adhere to these recommendations and execute them effectively. Consequently, it is strongly recommended that both you and your mother seek professional assistance from a reputable psychologist. However, if your mother is reluctant to do so, it is imperative that you assume responsibility for your own growth and development. It will undoubtedly be a challenging process, but it is more beneficial than merely enduring hardship, persistent sadness, and a lack of personal growth. By understanding yourself and fulfilling your needs, you can significantly reduce the prevalence of negative emotions.

It is not a simple task to insist on recording and writing down one's feelings, needs, and thoughts. Therefore, it is important not to set demands on oneself in the same way that one might set demands on oneself in relation to test scores. The most important thing is to just do it. If one does not have enough time, it is sufficient to write a few words that one can understand, such as "library, anger, I go to college every day."

I am gratified to observe that, despite feeling overwhelmed, you have developed a robust sense of self-differentiation with regard to your mother's expectations regarding your academic performance. You have not merely acquiesced to her judgments but have instead forged your own perspective on your abilities, securing admission to the pivotal middle school on your own merits and maintaining commendable academic standards.

I find you to be an admirable individual.

Indeed, I believe the optimal path to self-fulfillment is to pursue academic excellence, gain admission to an institution of my choosing, depart from my present circumstances, and enhance my capacity to function effectively in society. When one is autonomous, one can truly flourish. I will now divulge a personal secret: I am currently engaged in precisely these endeavors.

That is all. I extend my love to you and to the world.

Good day, host.

If I'm not mistaken, you're facing a challenging situation. You have a highly anxious and controlling mother. It's difficult for any child to grow up with such a mother, but she also directs her emotional outbursts towards you, belittling you with harsh words, putting you down, and attacking you. However, you're only 13, you can't leave her and live independently, and for so many years you've had no choice but to put up with it all. I empathize with your feelings and want to offer my support.

Furthermore, there is a paucity of responses to the question of "what to do" due to the limited options available in such a situation. In essence, I believe that distancing yourself from your mother could potentially improve your emotional state. However, I recognize that this may only be perceived as a positive change in your relationship with her.

Until you are able to leave home and live independently, there will be challenges due to your mother's words and actions. It is important to recognize that you cannot change the way your mother treats you. Therefore, it is essential to focus on self-care and self-development to the extent possible.

The suggestions and demonstrations below are intended to provide a foundation for your reflection on your feelings and thoughts when you are in a bad mood. They also encourage you to take the initiative to start the process of self-differentiation with your mother (learning to distinguish between "I am me and she is she") and to transform these feelings of "not wanting to live" into opportunities for self-exploration and self-growth. This approach will ensure that your efforts are not in vain.

Due to the length of the response, I will divide it into two or three parts to facilitate reading. I appreciate your patience as you read through the material.

Identify your own and your mother's needs in regard to training self-differentiation.

I am intrigued by your decision to study at the library. Could you elaborate on the specific benefits you believe it offers that are not available at school or at home? If you were to study at the library, what challenges or unexpected outcomes might you encounter?

Please describe the impact your use of the library will have on your mother. Does she believe it is an unnecessary expense?

Is she concerned that you will utilize the library as an opportunity to engage in online activities rather than study? Is she worried about your safety on the way there and back, and has she expressed concerns about potential risks?

I am surprised that you requested permission from your mother to study at the library for two months before she finally agreed, and then unexpectedly changed her mind at the last minute. Could you please clarify why your mother is so opposed to you studying at the library? What concerns or challenges does she have about you studying there?

What is her actual objective in preventing you from going to the library?

If your mother is concerned that you are simply going to the library to socialize, you can collaborate with her to develop a study plan and provide evidence that will allow her to verify that you are studying more effectively at the library. If your mother is worried about your safety on the way there and back, you can also identify solutions to address her concerns, such as using safe public transportation like the subway, not going home at night, and maintaining communication by phone.

Should additional spending be required and your mother deems the expense unjustifiable, you may wish to discuss with her which expenses on you can be reduced and use the savings to go to the library.

It would also be beneficial to explain to your mother why you need to go to the library to study, what the benefits of this initiative are, and in particular what benefits it will bring to your studies. If you can clearly express the benefits, and if you can promise your mother that this is true, and if you can provide evidence to reassure her, perhaps she will be more amenable to your request.

In other words, through these processes, you can train yourself to clarify what your needs really are, what your mother's needs are, what the similarities and conflicts between your two sets of needs are, and how to find solutions to the conflicts. After doing all this, it is likely that you can reach a solution that both of you are willing to accept. For example, your mother can satisfy your need to go to the library once a week or once every two weeks, and you are willing to satisfy your mother's needs every time you go to the library.

It is important to note that the above are merely speculations. There is a possibility that you have a mother who is not interested in listening to you, but rather wants you to listen to her. Her intention may be to exert control over you, and her underlying motive may be something she is unable to perceive or distinguish for herself. In such a scenario, it may be necessary for you to undertake additional tasks for yourself after you are unable to visit the library and continue answering tomorrow.

The aforementioned information is incomplete.

I would like to take this opportunity to express my gratitude to the world and to you, my dear friend.