What I think and what I do differ, which one is the real me?

Hello, question asker. It sounds like you have your own thoughts in mind, but you are afraid to express them freely and comfortably. Instead, your external words and actions are more pleasing, which is flattery.

Pleasing others makes it difficult for us to stand on equal footing with them and communicate with them on an equal basis.

This is an inferiority complex in which you believe you are not good enough. When interacting with others, you hide your needs and true self, instead blindly obeying others. This puts you in a low position, making your needs easily ignored by others and causing you to feel neglected and belittled. You also feel negative emotions like anger and frustration, which you suppress in front of others but vent behind their backs.

This is a very difficult situation. You need to improve your sense of worth.

Forget about what others think and take responsibility for your own actions.

When we feel worthless, it's easy to put our expectations on others. We think that if we make them happy, they'll like us. This is like trying to get a certificate of merit and a big thumbs-up from someone else.

You must see this state of your own, return to yourself, bear the discomfort and heaviness of the lower position in the relationship, and at the same time learn to take care of yourself so that you can live comfortably without expecting others to take care of you. This is the only way you will have the strength to work hard, as you said, to do more difficult work, to obtain a higher social status, and ultimately to improve your sense of value.

Otherwise, if you work hard just to get other people's "likes," it will not improve your sense of value.

Best regards!

Zhu Rong Psychology Consultant Zhou Xiaohua

Greetings,

The owner of the post

A careful reading of the post revealed the presence of doubts about the self. At the same time, it was observed that the poster expressed distress and sought help on the platform in a courageous manner, which will undoubtedly facilitate a deeper understanding of the self and facilitate self-adjustment.

Subsequently, I will present my observations and thoughts on the subject, which may assist the original poster in developing a more nuanced understanding of themselves.

1. It can be reasonably asserted that the entirety of the original poster's identity is encapsulated within her own self.

In the original post, the author indicated that she engages in negative discourse about her romantic partner with others but attempts to be more accommodating in his presence. This phenomenon is not exclusive to romantic relationships; it can also occur in friendships.

This confusion is understandable, given the contradictory evidence presented. From my perspective, however, these behaviors can be understood as different modes of self-expression. It is not uncommon for individuals to present a different persona in different contexts.

Nevertheless, regardless of whether one chooses to wear a mask or not, one's true self remains intact.

It is accurate to conclude that boyfriends are often perceived as imperfect in the presence of friends and mothers.

It is important to recognize that boyfriends, like any other individuals, have shortcomings. These shortcomings may manifest in ways that are perceived as problematic by their partners. However, it is essential to acknowledge that every individual possesses both positive and negative attributes. A partner's perception of their boyfriend's shortcomings may be influenced by their own expectations and experiences.

Otherwise, it is unlikely that you would have been able to maintain a relationship with him for such an extended period of time.

Therefore, you disapprove of your boyfriend's negative characteristics but admire his positive ones. It may be posited, therefore, that you are both individuals, but that you express yourselves in different ways.

With regard to friends, the same dynamics prevail. While hatred is a genuine emotion, smiling and beaming are likely a result of an internalized pressure to conform to a certain image.

Individuals may hold certain beliefs about themselves, but these beliefs may not align with reality. Each person possesses intrinsic value and the capacity to express themselves in diverse ways. This concept is analogous to the ability of individuals to speak multiple languages, such as Mandarin and English. In this analogy, the additional language represents an extension of the individual's identity.

2. Cultivate one's personal growth through interpersonal relationships.

Interpersonal relationships serve as a mirror, offering feedback that facilitates self-understanding. The hostess's relationship with her boyfriend provides an illustrative example. Despite exhibiting a tendency to become infatuated, she simultaneously expresses disdain for this state of mind while striving to satisfy his desires.

In your relationship with friends, you simultaneously harbor negative sentiments and strive to gain their approval. I believe the original poster has also contemplated the underlying reasons for their attempts to please and ingratiate themselves.

It can be reasonably deduced that this kind of catering and flattery is a manifestation of a lack of confidence or low self-worth in a relationship. It is because they feel that the other person is better than themselves, more outstanding than themselves, and is in a higher position than they are that they want to cater to them and please them.

Consequently, the host may benefit from introspection to ascertain whether their self-perception is accurate and whether they exhibit self-acceptance.

One might hypothesize that the poster's dislike of her husband stems from a personal dislike of herself. This internal relationship pattern may be projected onto her husband, leading to a dislike of his less favorable characteristics. This is a hypothesis that the poster should consider and explore further.

3. Acceptance represents the initial stage of change for the better.

In regard to the enhancement of one's self-worth, the question of how to improve oneself inevitably arises. It is this author's belief that the answer lies in acceptance.

The process of acceptance marks the initial stage of change for the better. It entails embracing one's authentic self, acknowledging the limitations of change, and directing one's energy towards cultivating the aspects of self that can be modified, with the aim of becoming a better version of oneself.

Furthermore, self-acceptance can mitigate internal conflict and facilitate a shift in focus from self-doubt and adversarial thoughts to growth and development. Only through self-acceptance can one fully engage with the present moment and identify avenues for personal growth and advancement.

It is my hope that these words will prove beneficial to the original poster. I am Zeng Chen, a psychological exploration coach.

Hello! I'll give you a warm hug from afar!

And here's another great reason to celebrate: When you're aware of your emotions, you're already on the path to positive change!

Psychology has an amazing insight: a person's relationship with others is a reflection of their relationship with themselves. That means that the things you admire and envy in others, and the things you dislike and find annoying, are actually a reflection of a part of yourself. So, if you think about it, you have the same emotions about others as you do about yourself! Isn't that fascinating?

The amazing thing about us humans is that we can change and grow in so many ways. We can learn and experience new things, and we can also learn from others. It's incredible how others can act as mirrors, helping us to see ourselves in a new light.

So, celebrate all the amazing things about yourself, and don't forget to embrace your flaws. They're all part of the incredible journey of self-discovery!

Have you ever wondered why you might be afraid to express your dissatisfaction and discomfort in a relationship? It could be because you're not yet fully accepting of the inner you. You might think that if you point out what makes others uncomfortable, they'll reject you. But this is a great opportunity to embrace your authentic self and see how others respond!

You can absolutely express your true feelings when you feel uncomfortable or dissatisfied in a relationship! There are a couple of reasons why you might avoid it. One is that you don't accept the inner self that is not good enough. The other is that you haven't found a better way to express your uncomfortable feelings.

The great news is that you can learn to express your true inner emotions appropriately! All you have to do is start by becoming aware of your emotional feelings. This means respecting the true feelings of your body in your daily life and not denying your feelings. You can do this by keeping an emotional diary and talking to your inner self. When you can truly respect your inner emotional feelings, you will also know how to respond better. For example, when you are uncomfortable, you can bravely express your true feelings and how you want to be treated.

I'm Lily, the little listener at the Q&A Pavilion. The world and I love you!

Hugging the questioner, which one is really the true self? Why not express your true feelings? It's time to embrace the confusion and discover your true self!

In this life, we have the incredible opportunity to understand ourselves!

It's great that the questioner has this awareness. It's a fantastic start to paying attention to yourself. And it's so important to know what you really want!

Guess what! We are actually made up of several different "selves":

1. The id is the original self, and it's how we instinctively want to be!

2. The super-ego is the moral level of requirements for me. We get to obey the law and maintain social order!

3. The self is the reality of the self that is constantly being pulled by the id and superego.

The questioner feels very tired because the "self" is constantly being pulled by the id and superego, and cannot live out the true self. But there is hope! With the right tools and guidance, anyone can learn to live their true self.

So, how do you live your true self?

The first step is to embrace your own imperfections!

Nobody's perfect, but wouldn't it be great if we all were? This is the ego in action.

The questioner is kind to her boyfriend, kind to her friends, and a bit overwhelmed by the challenges at work—but she's handling it all with grace and positivity!

We want to show the "perfect" side of ourselves!

However, yin and yang are always in balance. And that means that perfection is always accompanied by imperfection!

We hate our boyfriends' faults, we don't like a certain friend, and in fact, it's all because we can't accept our own faults. But guess what? We can! And when we do, we'll be free to love our boyfriends for who they are and embrace our friends for who they are.

The shortcomings we see in others are actually a mirror reflection of our own shortcomings—and they're there to help us grow!

Otherwise, you'll miss out on the chance to recognize it as a "shortcoming." You'll just ignore it.

The world we see is a fascinating, subjective projection of our inner world. We all live within our perspectives and feelings, and it's a wonderful thing!

Changing one's shortcomings is a challenging but rewarding process. It's natural to feel more comfortable when we focus on the shortcomings of others.

So, the original poster should also look at the shortcomings in themselves and learn to accept them.

We can't be perfect people, and that's a good thing! We are imperfect, and that's who we really are.

Second, it's time to relax the rules you've imposed on yourself!

Let go of perfectionism, and you can let go of "I should" as well!

I should be nice to my boyfriend. This can be changed to "I can be nice to my boyfriend," and I can!

If my boyfriend has this or that flaw, I can also be mean to him!

I should be nice to my friends. But I can be nice to my friends!

If I don't like this friend, I can also be mean to him!

It's time to loosen up the rules on yourself and express your dissatisfaction and needs! You'll be one step closer to being true to yourself in no time.

And you can even express your anger and dissatisfaction!

I've always believed that anger is a positive emotion. It's a way for us to feel good about ourselves!

Many people are so good at pleasing others, but when they learn to be angry, they become even more themselves—and it's a beautiful thing to see!

Anger is a great way to get the other person's attention and make sure your needs and expectations are met. It's also a fantastic way to keep things exciting in your interpersonal relationships!

When you accept your shortcomings, loosen your rules, and express your boundaries,

Others will absolutely feel your truth and honesty!

And finally, take that step forward and start living your best life!

And there's another thing. This confusion at work isn't just the questioner's problem. It's a problem for many women too!

I'm so excited to tell you all about Sheryl Sandberg! She's the chief operating officer of Facebook and wrote an incredible book called "Lean In" that I highly recommend to the questioner.

And she has a lot of real-life confusion, too!

The good news is that most women in the workplace are ready and willing to express themselves!

And women's success is attributed to some other factor, which is great!

So, should we just throw in the towel? Absolutely not!

Absolutely! We should definitely take a step forward.

So, the answer to whether you should take an easy job or keep working on a specialty you haven't mastered yet is clear!

This is an important way to plan your long-term career—and it's not about interpersonal relationships!

The times are changing too fast, and there will no longer be any iron rice bowls. But don't worry! The only iron rice bowl we have is the improvement of our own professional abilities.

If you have a skill and are constantly working hard, then you will never be abandoned by the times!

I wish the poster all the best! When you realize you are confused, that is the first step forward. Next, put these ideas into practice little by little. With time, you will definitely meet a better version of yourself. Good luck!

It might be helpful to consider the relationship between cognition, emotion, language, and behavior. Sometimes, there can be a discrepancy between what we think and what we do, and the words we speak and the actions we take may not always align. This could indicate that our inner being is experiencing a certain degree of contradiction.

This kind of conflict can cause a great deal of discomfort. Your thoughts are an integral part of who you are, and the conflict is also an aspect of your true self, as confusion is a common experience for many people. However, being in this conflict for a long time can also result in individuals saying one thing but meaning another and acting inconsistently.

It's possible that you haven't yet fully decided on the best course of action. What you're currently doing might just be an idea of what you want to do, while your actions could be closer to what you truly want. It might be helpful to focus less on what someone says and more on what they do.

It is possible that words can sometimes be misleading, as can actions. However, it is perhaps more common for words to be misleading than actions. There are also cases where we may be unintentionally misleading ourselves. You may have negative feelings about some of the qualities of your boyfriend, and you may have made some negative comments about him, which may actually be true.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that you haven't actually broken up with him and that you're still living your life as usual. It's possible that you're still having second thoughts and that you're unsure of the best way forward. Your inconsistent words and actions might be a reflection of the stress your heart is experiencing. If you feel it would be beneficial, it might be helpful to take an inner animal archetype psychological test to gain insight into your tendencies and to seek psychological counseling to help you navigate this challenging situation.

Could I ask you a question, ZQ?