31-year-old, unable to comfort myself, looking forward to my parents' comfort every day?

Dear questioner,

My name is Yi Ming, and I work as a heart exploration coach.

I have taken the time to carefully read your question, and I believe one of the answers you seek may already have been provided.

I would be delighted to provide some additional insights, with the hope that they might offer some comfort and inspiration.

1. It might be helpful to try to understand why your mistakes have had these consequences.

Have you ever considered why you expect your parents to comfort you every day?

Have you ever considered why you expect your parents to comfort you every day?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether you still need your parents to comfort you if you don't make mistakes.

Could you please tell me when this need to be comforted by parents first became apparent?

Could you please tell me what happened back then?

Sometimes, we may find ourselves in a situation where our actions and emotions seem to be interconnected.

For instance, we may anticipate that our parents will provide us with comfort and affection. In order to fulfill this expectation, we may unintentionally engage in behaviors that result in feelings of distress, as though we have identified a rationale for our actions.

On the other hand, we may feel the need to turn to our parents for comfort because we have made mistakes.

Could you help me understand which is the cause and which is the effect?

Perhaps it would be helpful to ask yourself some questions.

Sometimes, our external age may have increased, but the child inside may still be developing. This can result in a desire to be intimate with our parents and to be treated like a baby.

It may be helpful to try to understand what is going on inside us and sort things out, as this could help us to break out of the current cycle.

2. It might be helpful to try to interpret your emotions.

You mentioned feeling somewhat powerless, and I can relate. I've developed a habit of coming home from work every day so tired that I have no mood to eat, I just want to go to bed first. I'm so tired that I just want to collapse. It's been a challenging journey, but I'm learning to navigate it with resilience.

If I may make a suggestion, perhaps we could offer each other hugs across the screen.

I believe there is a famous ABC theory in psychology.

If I might make a suggestion, it would be to consider the following:

If I might suggest, A represents the triggering event.

B represents the individual's beliefs about the triggering event, that is to say, their perceptions and explanations of the event.

C indicates the result of the emotions and behaviors that arise.

If repeating a mistake is event A and the current feeling of powerlessness and tiredness is C, could I ask what our belief B might be?

Perhaps we could consider how we view ourselves when we make the same mistake over and over again, and want to console ourselves.

You also say, "I would prefer not to see myself making mistakes all the time. Do you think it would be beneficial for me to accept that I always make mistakes? Do you think I should try to accept that other people dislike and hate me? I can smile and face it for a while, but I'm not sure I can hold out for long."

It's understandable that you don't want to make mistakes, but it's also important to recognize that other people may not always respond positively to them.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether holding on is the best approach, or whether changing our perspective could be a more beneficial strategy.

It's possible that parents are mistaken in thinking that we're not trying hard enough. It may be that we're simply in the habit of making mistakes. Habits can be powerful.

"I'm not sure why I make so many mistakes and why so many little things go wrong."

Have you ever considered taking the time to reflect on the mistakes you've made?

Could it be that, although it causes some trouble and makes you tired, there is nothing particularly wrong with it?

It may be the case that each of us has habitual ways of thinking and acting that we find difficult to change, even though they may cause minor mistakes.

Perhaps it could be likened to our comfort zone.

Perhaps the comfort zone is not where we truly feel at ease.

The term "comfort zone" is used to describe the psychological state and habitual behavior patterns that a person displays. Many people feel a sense of control in this state or pattern.

It is possible that we have gained benefits from these repetitive patterns that we are not even aware of.

While they may present challenges, they offer a sense of familiarity and comfort.

It is often challenging to make changes.

3. Consider trying new approaches at your own pace.

I believe you have been exploring.

I wonder if I might ask, "What can I do to not need my parents' support?"

Perhaps we could consider trying a different approach.

For instance, you might consider reminding yourself that we all need the support of our parents and enjoy being hugged by them.

It may be helpful to consider adjusting the frequency or intensity of the need.

For instance, you might consider keeping a simple record of the situations in which you don't require your parents' comfort as much.

If it is not too much trouble, could you also keep a record of the frequency of your mistakes? We would like to kindly ask that you do not stop making mistakes, but rather try to reduce their frequency.

If I might suggest, perhaps it would be helpful to try to relax a little.

Perhaps it would be beneficial to explore this a little at a time.

It might be helpful to try to be less negative towards yourself, to treat yourself as you would a good friend, and to be more tolerant.

If it is of interest to you, you may wish to consider reading "The Power of Self-Growth".

I wish you the best of luck!

From your description, I can discern the presence of depressive symptoms, feelings of grievance, self-blame, and exhaustion.

Each time a mistake is made, the parents' response is to focus on the mistake itself, rather than considering the emotional state of the child. The child may internalize this response, perceiving that they are at fault and deserving of criticism. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and a sense of not trying hard enough.

Such circumstances engender feelings of tension and desperation, leaving the individual with a lack of energy and motivation to engage in tasks that require sustained effort.

Concurrently, one is also allowing oneself to be severely disappointed, entertaining the notion that one is devoid of worth and deserving of condemnation.

It is evident that there is a longing for parental affection and reassurance, which would provide comfort and validation. The desire for such a gesture from one's parents is understandable, particularly when facing challenges or difficulties.

On the one hand, perhaps by allowing oneself to repeat the same mistakes over and over again, the opportunity may arise to demonstrate to one's parents the long-awaited self and to accept the authentic, vulnerable self.

Conversely, you are also demonstrating your fidelity to your parents and becoming the person they envisage you to be.

It is imperative to accept one's parents and their inherent characteristics.

It is imperative that one attempts to cease resisting and denying one's own self.

It is important to accept oneself as an ordinary individual prone to making missteps. Perfection is an unattainable ideal, as everyone makes mistakes in this world. Mistakes are a normal part of life and do not define one's worth. They do not indicate failure.

Concurrently, it is recommended that you endeavor to accept your parents' perceived inability to act.

It is my contention that they do in fact love you; however, they are unable to express that love effectively and are therefore incapable of loving you in the traditional sense.

It is possible that expressing hatred and disgust is the only way they can demonstrate love, or that they simply use it as a means of maintaining your proximity.

It is essential to establish one's own evaluation system.

It is erroneous to assume that parents are the sole arbiters of one's life. Similarly, the notion that all individuals who are not parents will necessarily treat one in a similarly negative manner is also flawed.

It is not necessary to be overly concerned with the opinions and judgments of one's parents and those in one's immediate vicinity. It would be beneficial to develop one's own evaluation system.

It is important to evaluate the judgments of one's parents and other individuals with a rational perspective. It is crucial to discern which voices in one's environment are reasonable and valuable, and which are not objective, one-sided, or extreme.

It is important to develop a rational understanding of oneself and to avoid allowing others to define one's identity.

It is imperative to cultivate self-love.

It is recommended that you focus on your own emotions and needs, rather than those of your parents.

Consider the actions you can take to enhance your emotional well-being and contentment. As you cultivate an attitude of self-acceptance and reduce your self-criticism, you will gradually perceive yourself in a more favorable light.

One may choose to live for oneself, rather than for one's parents.

I wish you the best of success!

Greetings.

The inability to ascertain one's intrinsic value is the underlying cause of the prevailing inclination to evade challenges and interpersonal interactions. To disrupt this cyclical pattern, it is essential to sever the dependency and courageously confront the difficulties encountered, as growth represents the foundation of independence.

Why is it that children are unable to become independent once they have reached adulthood?

Such individuals have typically received considerable care and indulgence from their parents during their formative years. Consequently, when they encounter challenges, they are inclined to seek assistance rather than engage in independent problem-solving. However, persistent parental involvement may impede the necessary growth and development of the child.

What is the optimal solution to the problem of being unable to provide oneself with comfort and instead seeking solace from one's parents?

It is essential to recognize the boundaries that exist between individuals and to take responsibility for one's own actions.

Upon reaching the age of 18, an individual becomes an adult and is expected to be capable of independently solving life's problems. In addition, when they gain financial independence through their own efforts, they are also expected to take on the responsibility of supporting their parents in their old age, that is, the ability to reciprocate. However, in many families, the children have grown up with excessive parental love and care, and they still take on the responsibility of supporting their parents. As a result, the children are unable to gain experience and the ability to live independently from their problems. They naturally lose the ability to cope with life's problems. The original poster here is prone to setbacks when encountering problems. Even if there are no particularly serious problems, they still need this sense of frustration, which stems from the desire for psychological shelter.

It is imperative to understand that if a child is unable to establish boundaries with their parents over an extended period, they will be unable to mature into independent adults.

[Acquire a sense of security in life and the courage to take risks]

In addition to the consequences of overly indulgent parenting, some individuals are unable to venture beyond their comfort zone due to an overabundance of negative information, which instills a sense of unease about their surroundings. They derive a sense of security through connections with their loved ones, akin to individuals who are unable to form intimate relationships. This phenomenon is observed across various contexts.

For example, if one's immediate social environment is characterised by marital unhappiness and divorce, it is likely that one will lose confidence in the ability to form a new partnership and perceive the external world as unreliable. Consequently, when difficulties arise, one is likely to seek advice from one's parents. However, it is important to recognise that parents are themselves ageing and may desire a comfortable life free from constant disturbance. Even if one is still a child, one's parents may secretly hope that one can face problems independently and solve one's own difficulties. As a child, one should respect one's parents' wishes and be willing to step out of one's comfort zone. It is important to understand that both safety and risk coexist. As long as one is capable of dealing with risks, a sense of security will follow.

[The necessity of learning and growing]

The questioner is 31 years of age, yet exhibits psychological characteristics more akin to a helpless child. Is there, in fact, a significant threat in the external environment?

It is possible that children's thinking is absolute, but adults have the capacity to solve problems. The avoidance of problems may be indicative of a reluctance to engage with them, thereby preventing the opportunity for learning and growth.

Individuals progress through different learning stages at different ages. At 31 years of age, one would be expected to have already bidden farewell to their parents and to have developed the capacity to identify and select those with whom to share difficulties. In other words, there is a tendency to "report good news to parents but not the bad." While there may be a brief period of complaint, it is uncommon for individuals to continue to share their difficulties with their parents over an extended period, allowing them to become unduly concerned. When confronted with challenges at work, individuals often choose to confide in friends or to seek psychological counseling. It is therefore perplexing why the questioner is unable to distinguish between these roles.

It is possible that the questioner is unaware that their own perception requires enhancement and adjustment, that they must learn and grow, and that developing their own thinking is the genuine expression of responsibility towards themselves and love for their parents.

I wish you the best of luck and extend my sincerest wishes for your success.

Hello.

I am here to give you advice.

From your written description, I can tell you are insecure but also want to do your best in everything. You want the warm comfort of those close to you, especially your parents, who can give you security and motivation to move forward.

The example you gave is about work, and your work and emotions have been fluctuating recently. There may be minor problems at work, but you still make mistakes. It's as if there is another self within you, and you feel that it is this other self that is harming your real self, so that you cannot display your true talents in front of your leader or colleagues.

Let's analyze it from the following aspects and then give you some methods to help you better understand yourself and relieve your negative emotions.

From your title, it's clear you're 31. You probably feel that's old. Shouldn't you be mature and comfortable doing a good job by now? You said you can't comfort yourself. Do you feel helpless?

He's reaching out to those around him, hoping for help.

If it is the situation I have analyzed above, I am certain that being 31 years old is not a big deal. It does not mean that at 31 you must have a family, a career, and have achieved something in your studies. Why do I say that?

Everyone has a different experience, different personalities, and different ways of thinking. We may see friends in their thirties around us who are very good, very motivated, and far superior to us. This makes you feel useless and think, "What should I do if I don't feel so good?"

We must accept that everyone has their own stage of growth and experiences different things. Even if you are both 31 years old, your thoughts will be different. Your actions and personality are also shaped by your personal growth experience.

We must accept ourselves as we are and stop comparing ourselves to others. We are currently experiencing the prime of our lives, and we should appreciate that. We should also compare ourselves to our past selves.

You're 31 now. At 20 and 25, what state were you in? I'm certain your state now is much better than before.

You need to recognize that you have made progress in recent years, even if it is just a little bit. This is an essential part of your life.

It is crucial to recall and acknowledge how you have consistently challenged yourself and grown over the past 30 years or so of your life.

You may also feel like you're losing control at work and in your emotions. When you make a mistake at work, your emotions will also fluctuate. You'll likely encounter similar situations in life where you'll feel like you shouldn't have made the mistake and will blame yourself.

Let me be clear: if something is messed up or we have a breakdown, we mustn't immediately blame ourselves. Instead, we need to ask ourselves what went wrong.

If you're struggling with mood swings, you need to identify the root cause. Is it carelessness? If so, you can improve yourself by being more careful next time. Is it a poor state or lack of ability? If so, you can address that by finding out what state is affecting you.

We can simply keep improving until we find the ability we need.

In life, our moods fluctuate. They include anger, depression, and excitement. The expression of these emotions is the actual state that arises when your heart sees something or feels a certain feeling. We must simply feel them.

When a series of things happen in our lives and work that make us feel really bad, we must face them head on. First, we need to calm down and accept that we are in a state we don't like. Then, we must acknowledge our lack of ability or the need for help.

For example, if we want to receive parental attention, we can accept this thought and tell our parents that something at work today made us feel uncomfortable and we want to talk about it.

It's important to remember that when you express your feelings, you're simply stating your actual emotions without mixing in your personal feelings. If you feel uncomfortable and want your parents to comfort you and hug you, there's absolutely no problem with that.

You might think your parents will dislike you if you feel sad too often, or that they won't have enough time for you.

I want to be clear: we should trust the people around us, our friends and family. And as your immediate family, your parents love you most and can give you complete acceptance.

When you're feeling down, they want to help. And when your mood improves, they're happier and more content.

As you keep hoping for your parents' help and keep getting it, your inner sense of security and the emptiness in your heart will keep getting filled up again and again by this flow of love.

Your need for parental reassurance will gradually decrease. If you worry too often, the other person simply won't have as much time to gauge you. This possibility is becoming less and less likely.

You must take this step: feel, then express objectively, and become aware of your current state. Accept yourself. In this way, you will understand what a wonderful person you are. You will also feel the flow of love with your friends and family around you.

I wish you the best.

If you want to continue communicating, click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom. I will communicate with you one-on-one.

The Psychology Q&A Community, World, and I Love You is the place to go for all your psychology questions: https://m.xinli001.com/qa

You are now in your thirties, a threshold in society. You feel that people at this age are very capable and mature, but your real situation is not what you expected. You want your parents to give you more support because you are having some difficulties.

You make work mistakes every day, and you feel negative emotions. Repeated mistakes feel like they're ignored or exaggerated. Deliberately making mistakes is like an elementary student who can do the right questions but deliberately does the wrong ones.

You don't know why these things happen. You need to calm down and think about what the problem is. There are many reasons for mistakes. Maybe your memory is bad, or you're just too tired.

You are usually too tired to feel like eating, and your parents criticize you instead, saying how you should do this and that. This is also very disheartening. You know better than to make mistakes. Making mistakes makes people hate and dislike themselves. We usually hope that other people love us.

Your current emotions are complex. Listen to outside opinions, then make your own decisions. You've made mistakes, so analyze them. Many mistakes are unavoidable, so slow down and double-check. Talk to a counselor if you need to. Good luck!

What is the question?