A 21-year-old male is afraid of marriage and relationships, lacks security, and doesn't know how to overcome them.

Good day, question asker.

From the questioner's description, it is evident that their childhood experiences have had a profound impact on their current state of mind. Having grown up in an environment that was challenging and difficult, the questioner has experienced significant difficulties. However, they have been able to gradually move beyond these past experiences and develop their own interests and hobbies. Despite still feeling insecure, these interests and hobbies provide the questioner with a sense of stability and security. Consequently, the questioner is reluctant to disrupt this stable state of life.

The questioner is thus confronted with two distinct concerns: firstly, the apprehension that the transition to marriage will result in a disruption to their current lifestyle, and secondly, the fear that the act of falling in love or entering into a marital union will lead to the loss of the hobbies and sense of security that they currently enjoy.

Let us proceed by discussing each issue individually.

1. The apprehension of disrupting the existing state of one's life following marriage.

From this, it can be seen that the questioner's current state of life is relatively stable and comfortable, which provides a sense of comfort and dependence. This leads the questioner to be reluctant to easily break it. The most fundamental reason why the questioner is reluctant to break it is not necessarily a reluctance to accept a new way of life. Rather, it is a fear of repeating the same mistakes and returning to the same family atmosphere as when he was a child. The difference is that the questioner is no longer a child but a parent.

Thus, the questioner may consider the following: At the age of 21, one is still young enough to enjoy the benefits of being single and to pursue personal interests without the constraints of marriage. Why, then, do some individuals begin to contemplate the potential challenges of marriage at this relatively early stage of life? Is it because they are influenced by the opinions of those around them?

It is also possible that the individual in question has recently developed romantic feelings for a particular girl, which has prompted them to consider the prospect of marriage. Alternatively, the individual may have observed the marriage of their parents at a young age, yet they do not possess any objections to the institution of marriage itself. However, they may be experiencing feelings of unease regarding the potential changes that marriage might bring about.

I will now present a case study.

I knew a girl whose father had a violent temper and often lost his temper and destroyed property. Her mother could no longer tolerate this and divorced her father when she was in junior high school, living alone with the girl. After the girl went to college, her mother informed her that she could date, but the girl did not take this seriously. She remained single for four years during her four years at university. After graduating from university and working for two years, her relatives began suggesting that she was of an age to date and marry, and were eager to introduce her to potential dates. However, the girl consistently rejected them. She identified numerous issues with the person before even meeting them and then refused to meet.

However, during our conversations, I discovered that she does not actually reject relationships, but is merely concerned that she may encounter a male partner with a bad temper and repeat the mistakes of her childhood. She experiences feelings of insecurity and inferiority. I informed her that she has endured the pain of her original family, yet she remains undecided about marriage, which is a positive step. She can now gradually interact with the opposite sex, as not all males possess a bad temper. There are also kind individuals like Bai, so how will she know if she does not try?

Furthermore, the mere act of meeting someone does not necessitate the onset of romantic feelings, and even if such feelings do arise, they do not necessarily imply a commitment to marriage. For a relationship to endure, there must be mutual attraction and a willingness to consider the other person's feelings. If the relationship is not a good fit, it is advisable to either discontinue or terminate the relationship. It is important to act promptly and without undue reflection.

Presently, the girl in question has not yet experienced the emotion of love, but she has commenced the process of meeting potential marriage partners.

Your concerns and apprehensions are analogous to those of this young woman. However, your parents' marital experience is theirs, and your own marital experience is yours. You have already identified the issues in your parents' marriage and believe that you will not replicate their mistakes. With this awareness, you will strive to avoid the marital issues that your parents faced.

Thus, the lives of two individuals are not identical to the life of a single person. The presence of an additional person does not simply entail the addition of an extra pair of chopsticks. The living habits of two individuals must be continually adjusted to one another. This is a typical phenomenon. If one feels unable to accept this kind of life at the present time, one can temporarily forgo considering marriage and instead enjoy one's single life, rather than being fearful of marriage.

The second concern pertains to the potential loss of these hobbies as a result of falling in love or getting married.

First and foremost, it is imperative to understand that love is not merely about giving. A healthy relationship should encompass mutual affection, respect, and tolerance. If a woman is unable to tolerate your hobbies and insists that you relinquish them, it is unlikely that you would be attracted to such a woman. If you lack common interests or are unable to accept the other person's interests, it raises the question of the value of such a relationship.

One might be forgiven for questioning whether this is a prudent course of action. It seems unlikely that the questioner would choose this way. Love is a mutual affair. If it works, it is a success; if it does not, it is over.

Furthermore, the existence of common interests represents a fundamental aspect of a healthy relationship.

In light of these considerations, it might be argued that the questioner's concerns are somewhat exaggerated. Ultimately, however, it is the questioner who must decide whether or not to proceed, and unless the questioner deliberately seeks out suffering, it is unlikely that the concerns they have expressed will be realised.

It is evident that there are numerous individuals who possess an affinity for diverse pastimes, including gaming, anime, reading, running, traveling, and digital pursuits. It is, therefore, reasonable to hypothesize that the inquirer may specifically seek a partner who shares similar interests. However, it is important to note that even if one encounters an individual who does not share one's particular hobby, there are numerous other avenues for shared enjoyment. The inquirer's extensive range of interests ensures a multitude of common ground.

Furthermore, given your family experiences during your childhood, it is probable that you would prefer a sensible girl, who would not require you to relinquish your hobbies.

If one is not under pressure to marry, it is advisable to enjoy one's single status. Those who are adept at enjoying their single life are more likely to form strong romantic attachments. However, if one is under pressure to marry, it may be beneficial to initiate contact with potential partners. It is important to note that women are not inherently hostile; getting to know them will not cause any harm.

Hello, question asker!

It's clear that your parents' marriage has had a big impact on you, making you afraid of love and marriage. The good news is that you have great friends and lots of hobbies that give you a great sense of security.

The questioner doesn't mention having a girl he's interested in or wanting to fall in love with. He's just afraid of love and marriage. It seems like he's worried about his future love and marriage life. He still wants a happy married life, but his parents' failed marriage has made him lose confidence and not know how to face the future.

First of all, the questioner's current situation is great. They have a hobby they love and good friends. They can feel the sense of security that they lacked as a child in their life. Whether or not they will fall in love and get married in the future, maintaining their current situation will allow them to continue to feel secure.

You can only love others when you feel content and secure within yourself.

Why did my parents' marriage turn out like this?

It's likely that parents who got married quickly didn't know each other well enough before marriage and weren't ready to start a family. This makes it more difficult for them to adapt to married life.

When parents argue, the father will sometimes hurt himself and the mother will sometimes break things, without considering how it affects you and your younger brother. This shows that there are also communication problems between them, and they don't have a good understanding of family education.

The questioner can learn from their parents' mistakes, such as getting to know each other better, communicating honestly when problems arise, caring for each other in daily life, and planning their lives together to avoid unnecessary conflicts. You can also ask friends about their experiences of love and marriage, or learn some psychology to help you heal.

✅The questioner is concerned that getting married and falling in love will make him lose the sense of security he currently has in his life. Does the questioner have a plan in place for when he will get married?

Modern society is pretty tolerant of everyone's marital status. You get to decide for yourself whether to get married, when to get married, and who to marry. So if you're not ready yet, there's no need to rush. Take care of yourself first, and the future will be more likely to be better.

I hope you find these thoughts helpful.

You've got this! Best wishes! ?

It might be helpful to give the poster a hug. It seems like you might have had a really hard time when you were a child. It's possible that you fought, smashed things, and were particularly prone to making children feel insecure.

A happy childhood can have a positive impact on one's life, while an unhappy childhood may require more time to heal.

Fortunately, I have friends I met later in life. I also have many hobbies that I love, such as games, anime, reading, running, traveling, and digital activities. These hobbies give me a strong sense of security. Having friends and hobbies allows you to gradually regain a sense of security.

It might be best to set aside the idea of marriage and love for the time being. There is no need to force anything, and you can enjoy your life first and try to heal yourself.

It might take some time to heal the wounds of childhood, as you grew up in a state of constant worry and fear, and didn't have the opportunity to experience that kind of love so quickly.

To address the underlying issues, it might be helpful to revisit our childhood experiences and connect with that vulnerable, uncertain part of ourselves.

Perhaps it would be helpful to tell him that none of this is his fault, and that he shouldn't have to bear it.

Now that the original poster has grown up, he has the opportunity to learn about his parents from his grandparents and try to understand them from an adult perspective.

While love is a wonderful thing, it's also important to recognize that two people who don't fit together may not be able to spend their lives together.

As you gain a deeper understanding of your parents' personalities, temperaments, and patterns of interaction, you may come to recognize that

Your parents' living arrangements may not have been ideal, which could have contributed to your feelings of insecurity from an early age and exposure to a noisy environment.

I respectfully suggest that you might benefit from reading two books. You may come to recognize that there are a number of parents who could be described as having similar characteristics.

I would like to suggest that you might find it helpful to read Susan Forward's "Poisonous Parents."

I would also like to suggest reading Wu Zhihong's "Why Does Family Hurt?"

It is not uncommon for children to experience difficulties as a result of a troubled relationship between their parents, or when one parent struggles with emotional challenges.

With time and reflection, you may find that your understanding of the situation grows, and that you are able to reconcile with the past.

It's helpful to remember that everyone is complete in themselves, and you can also find your own way to heal yourself. With time, you may find that you meet a better version of yourself.

Until then, perhaps it would be helpful to view love as something to embrace rather than fear.

It might be helpful to meet more friends and get to know the beautiful love and good emotional patterns between friends.

I encourage you to read more, learn more, and reflect more. You have many interests and hobbies, and I believe you can live a good life on your own.

When love truly arrives, the host may still experience a hint of apprehension and trepidation. However, you will undoubtedly encounter an individual who will infuse your life with a comforting glow. I extend my sincerest wishes for your well-being and am confident that the future will unfold with increasing positivity.

Hello, question asker. I'm Evan.

It is clear from the questioner's description that their family environment cannot provide them with a sense of security. When their parents argue, their tempers are extremely bad. Their father is probably neurotic, and their mother is also hysterical and very manic.

The questioner is going through a lot. It's tough to grow up in such a family environment and still come out healthy. I'm here to give the questioner a boost. I'm going to give the questioner some strength and a sense of security.

A lack of security (self-doubt, lack of confidence) can seriously affect the way you behave. It's crucial to understand your own and other people's insecurities to benefit greatly in your relationships and life.

I will give some advice on how to recognize a lack of security since the question was asked on a platform.

Pay attention to your thoughts.

The questioner needs to pay attention to their true inner thoughts. These thoughts in the mind may have a positive effect on physical and mental health, or they may have a negative effect.

If you have too many negative thoughts and evaluations, you will lose your sense of security. It is not beneficial to you or to others to engage in unfair self-evaluation.

Don't be too hard on yourself. The impact of your parents' divorce on you sometimes makes you feel that it is your fault. These thoughts about yourself will affect your mood, motivation, and expectations for life.

Every morning, look yourself in the mirror and say three things you like about yourself. The more positive your attitude, the more confident you will become. You will engage in less self-talk that lacks a sense of security.

Pay attention to the external situation.

The questioner should identify situations that make them feel insecure. These could be heated arguments, the sound of something falling to the ground, talking to a girl, or some other loud noise.

These uncomfortable situations are stressing you out and making you feel embarrassed. You can use visualization techniques to calm your mind.

Imagine yourself in a relaxed state of mind, observing and enjoying things as they are in a carefree and happy way.

If these situations make you feel uncomfortable, you must avoid them or calm yourself down before entering the relevant situation. If you don't like to tell others about your needs and wishes, you will feel frustrated and resentful.

If you express your needs in a passive way, you will have a hard time getting what you want, and you will feel angry and ashamed. Practice expressing your needs in effective language.

This may feel uncomfortable at first, but you will gain confidence as you learn to express your needs effectively.

Tell me how you deal with conflict.

The questioner said that the conflict between her parents made her feel worried and scared. So how did the questioner deal with conflict when she grew up? During a conflict, our thoughts become confused and we may react in an extreme way. Everyone also has a strong sense of defense.

In a conflict, the questioner may also feel timid and ashamed. When dealing with different situations and different people, the questioner needs to be aware of their reactions.

Conflict can and will bring out the worst in people.

The questioner was deeply affected by the quarrels between his parents when he was a child. He also stated that he is afraid of conflicts with his lover or spouse, and conflicts make him feel extremely insecure. This insecurity stems from the questioner's childhood, when they witnessed their parents' quarrels, and their actions made them feel extremely insecure.

If a similar situation arises again, you will handle it. Be more self-aware.

Observe the behavior of others.

Observe the people around you. Study how they behave in public and how they react to conflict. Then, analyze their reactions in conflict situations. You will find that people with different personalities react differently when faced with conflict.

You can find these signs in the words or body language. Body language also reveals insecurity.

People who feel insecure slouch and seem determined to hide from the world. Confident people don't behave this way.

When faced with conflict, many people will show wariness or a sense of self-preservation. It's clear when someone is on their guard—they display insecurity through their behavior.

Careful observation will undoubtedly give you a better understanding of the other person and his motives.

Look for the following characteristics or behaviors in others: extreme dominance (believing they know everything and bossing people around); a strong defense mechanism (perceiving criticism as an attack); and extreme passivity (not defending their own rights).

When a conflict arises, ask yourself the following questions:

When you feel insecure, do you resort to violence against yourself or others? Or do you adopt a passive attitude and do nothing?

Or are you still short-tempered and uninterested in the things around you?

Get psychological help.

The questioner's insecurity is affecting them deeply. If they believe that this childhood experience has affected them and caused great inconvenience in making friends, they should seek help from professional psychological counselors and other practitioners. These professionals can help the questioner face their negative emotions. Before consulting, the questioner can research the reputation of these practitioners to avoid being hurt again.

The impact of childhood misfortune on the questioner can be changed. Insecurity can be overcome by facing one's fears head-on and participating in activities that build self-confidence.

Tell your family and friends about your insecurity. There's no reason to hide it. It's the first step to making a change. Treat others with kindness and do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I am confident that many situations of insecurity will gradually fade with the passage of time, and people will gradually adapt to different environments. I am certain that the questioner will have a bright future.

I am confident that my answer will help the questioner.

Good day.

From your description, it is evident that the parents were not well-acquainted with one another prior to marriage, and their relationship was characterized by frequent disagreements. The father displayed a proclivity for self-harm, while the mother exhibited a tendency to engage in destructive behaviors, exhibiting both internal and external aggression.

Individuals who have grown up in such family environments often exhibit a fear of marriage and love, as well as feelings of insecurity. This is often due to a concern that they will encounter a similar dynamic to that of their parents.

This is a hypothesis, and there is a certain probability that it will prove to be true.

In the event that this probability is realized, we will examine the manner in which it occurs, the subsequent effects, and the most effective methods for addressing it.

The phenomenon of compulsive repetition indicates that it is possible to find a partner who exhibits similar characteristics to one's parents.

Some individuals may unconsciously gravitate towards individuals who exhibit similar qualities to their parents, despite the potential discomfort or disquietude these qualities may evoke.

The psychological mechanism may be related to the sense of security brought about by familiarity or the desire to reconnect with the emotions in the relationship.

Should such a partner be found, the two parties may become a carbon copy of their parents.

If the relationship with the partner enters this vicious circle and is not perceived and changed, it will once again lead to feelings that were experienced with the parents.

If you find yourself in a marriage with a partner who exhibits the same discordant behavior as your parents did, what steps should you take?

We can use our parents as an example to analyze and understand their emotions and how they deal with them.

The underlying emotion driving self-attack and external attack, self-abuse and abuse of others, is fear.

During disagreements, your parents displayed high levels of aggression. Your father expressed feelings of helplessness and anger by engaging in self-abusive behaviors, including attacking himself and smashing objects. Your mother, on the other hand, expressed her anger by directing it towards inanimate objects.

Fortunately, neither party resorted to direct physical harm.

It is irrelevant whether or not the parents have certain psychological and personality disorders. Focusing on their emotions, they are expressing anger and aggression, but in reality they are feeling fear and the fear of being attacked.

In response to a perceived threat, I experience a sense of fear and engage in self-defense, utilizing my full strength to resist. This is anger.

If you recognize that individuals who display anger may also experience fear, will you continue to view them with apprehension?

If your future partner is prone to anger, do you perceive them as a source of fear, or do you view them as someone in need of understanding and protection?

2. The underlying cause of an argument is the failure to meet the needs of one or both parties. It is essential to learn to express your own needs and to ensure that the needs of others are met.

What causes people to engage in arguments?

Kindly express your needs in a polite manner.

Affirmative. The solution is to communicate clearly and politely.

Some individuals may be reluctant to vocalize their needs for fear of not being met.

In such instances, one may either turn away or remain silent. When the other party misinterprets the situation, one may become enraged and blame the other for misunderstanding.

If both parties can clearly express their needs and expectations, and the other party can respond in a way that fulfills those needs, then there is no need to rely on anger and arguments to solve problems.

Let us consider a hypothetical scenario. If your future partner becomes angry and intimidating, how would you respond?

Please clarify your requirements. Do you require my assistance?

Please advise as to the desired course of action.

For women, what they require is primarily for their emotions to be acknowledged. In the event that she is reluctant to express them, you can also be more perceptive of her emotions, listen to her, and convey her feelings. This will foster the perception that you are a considerate partner.

3. When conflicts arise, the initial response is often to attack and self-attack, which can be replaced with a more mature defense and coping mechanism.

When children have conflicts, they either engage in physical altercations or verbal altercations, or they withdraw from the situation.

This approach will not yield a solution and will only result in increased discomfort for all parties involved.

To resolve conflicts, it is essential to adopt an adult approach. Initially, it is crucial to attempt to perceive the situation from the other party's perspective and comprehend the underlying reasons for their actions and the intensity of their emotions. Once this understanding has been achieved, the majority of individuals will experience a reduction in their anger levels.

Then, express your feelings verbally so that the other person can see your emotions and understand you.

Finally, establish your desired outcome and reach a mutual agreement on a solution.

The aforementioned guidelines are applicable when encountering a prospective partner who exhibits negative traits analogous to those of one's parents.

By identifying and seeking out individuals who exhibit the opposite of your parents' negative traits, you can significantly reduce the likelihood of encountering conflicts in your personal relationships.

Additionally, it is essential to cultivate greater self-assurance to prevent the potential for gain and loss in a relationship, which can often lead to a range of challenges and conflicts.

After reviewing the aforementioned responses, I inquire as to whether they instill a sense of security in you with regard to intimate relationships.

My name is Yan Guilai, and I am a psychological counselor. I would like to leave you with this final thought: you are always safe. You have numerous ways and abilities to protect yourself, both now and in the future.

Hello!

Fear of marriage and love is caused by another problem: the influence of your original family. Another problem is whether you can live your true life as an adult.

Look at the problem.

Parents' relationship: They argued a lot.

Childhood self: lack of security.

You are afraid of forming close relationships.

My parents met through a matchmaker and got married soon after. They fought a lot when I was born. My father likes to hurt himself when they fight. My mother likes to throw things. They later separated, and I grew up in fear and worry.

The relationship between the parents has had a big impact on the questioner. The conflict has made the young self lack security. The adult self has repaired some security through friendships, but there is still doubt, distrust, and fear about close relationships. This is natural. We cannot expect someone who has not been loved to trust relationships unconditionally. Unfortunately, parents have not set a good example.

1. Understand your parents' past.

The parents met through a matchmaking service, which means they had to learn to understand each other. This has had a negative impact on their marriage. They blame and threaten each other because of their differences. They forget that they need to learn and grow in order to run a good family after marriage. Parents can receive educational resources, but they may lack knowledge about intimate relationships. This can affect their children without them realizing it.

If you can't have a close relationship because of your parents, you have to realize you can't be imprisoned by them. Use your adult self and mature ideas to repair childhood wounds and escape your original family. Then you can walk your own path.

2. Exercise your personality to boost your self-confidence.

Extroverts and introverts usually have better relationships. Extroverts are more comfortable in social situations, while introverts are reserved. When it comes to relationships, the strength of one's personality also reflects their relationship quotient. Those who are brave enough to promote themselves and express their feelings well are often more attractive to the opposite sex. People prefer those who take the initiative to show their goodwill. Proactive people are more adept at dealing with problems in a positive manner.

The questioner seems restrained and in a state of "withering." Entering into an intimate relationship in this state will be mistaken for "rejection." However, the receiving party will feel difficult and have more groundless emotions. Therefore, it is important to improve resilience, enhance self-confidence, and actively solve problems in an intimate relationship.

3. Accept yourself.

Everyone has pain, but that doesn't stop them from being happy. So, it's better to ask "What do I want?" Those who are afraid and don't try will regret it, while those who know what they want can overcome themselves and win. This is growth and a wise life. Instead of denying yourself, you should exercise and affirm yourself. This mindset will make you better.

Good luck!

Hello!

The landlord's childhood caused problems in adulthood.

When we feel fear, we try to escape.

Avoid it, fear it, avoid it. It's a vicious cycle. We can't escape the pain.

The host has realized this is a problem. We want to find a way out of this pain.

Accept the family situation and reconcile with your parents.

As adults, we are annoyed when we see our parents arguing.

We are not as afraid as when we were young.

A good couple argues but stays together.

A good couple fights but stays together.

Look at your parents' communication style differently.

Accept your family of origin and reconcile with your parents.

2. Let the child inside you out.

The child inside is still afraid.

Don't keep the child inside you locked away.

Open your heart to the child inside you. Face the outside world.

Study, work, exercise, read more books on psychology.

Read the book, discover yourself, and save the child inside.

3. You have to be strong to love others.

You're afraid of falling in love or getting married because you don't want to be tied down.

You're still afraid. When we were kids, our parents never let us do the things we liked.

If you are strong and your hobbies make you a better person,

You can still do the things you like after you fall in love. If you meet a girl who shares your interests,

The joy will be doubled, so your fear of love and marriage is not about your partner. It's about your heart and your protective wall.

If you're afraid, you can stay single.

If your parents are pushing you to get married, tell them you're just in your early 20s and want to improve yourself.

If you're ready, the right person will come along. Don't rush into it because your parents are pushing you or because you're at the right age.

Finding a life partner is important.

Hone your abilities and embrace your destiny when you're ready.

I wish the original poster a happy life!

I love you, June!

Dear Question Asker, I am honored to answer your question. After reading your description, I sympathize with your encounter. In your childhood, when your parents were fighting, you lacked a correct understanding of intimate relationships themselves. You are afraid of sexual relationships between men and women. In your impression, intimate relationships have not brought you any sense of happiness, but rather, have caused you distress.

Boys who grow up in this environment are inherently resistant to intimacy. Fortunately, you have some friends who have cultivated many interests, including games, reading, running, traveling, digital activities, and other pursuits, which contribute to a rich and colorful extracurricular life and instill confidence in you. This is a valuable asset.

The concern that romantic attachment will erode the sense of security derived from these activities is understandable. Intimacy is often perceived as a potential source of distress, and the dissolution of one's parents' relationship may have led to the assumption that all relationships are similarly troubled. However, this is an inaccurate representation. There are numerous positive relationships in which individuals respect and support each other, share mutual understanding and support, and navigate life's challenges together. While conflict is not uncommon, it often serves to reinforce the importance of the relationship.

In the future, one can observe the manner in which close relationships are managed by happy friends, classmates, and family members. This observation can facilitate the acquisition of effective strategies and competencies for navigating relationships with the opposite sex. Additionally, it can enhance one's abilities in this domain and foster confidence in one's ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. Furthermore, professional counseling can assist in modifying negative perceptions about intimate relationships and developing a framework for evaluating positive relationships.

I am pleased to have been able to make an appointment. 1983. I extend my warmest regards to you all!

Hello, my name is Flower, and I just wanted to say hello!

Let's start by quoting the original words of the questioner. Then, we'll have a step-by-step discussion. We'll also look at the key to the problem, new ideas and approaches, and examples. And, of course, we'll end on a positive note with a message of love and support.

If I could, I would give the questioner a big hug! I can feel the questioner's insecurity, his worries about the future, and his fear of getting stuck in the situation he has worked so hard to get out of.

I also want to tell the original poster: the marriage of their parents is theirs, and how well they manage it is the result of their mutual influence. We will eventually have ours, too!

Let's quickly go over the main points.

? Parents' quarrels when I was young → Insecurity

I finally built up a sense of security, but I was still afraid that love and marriage would take it away.

Let's take a look at these issues from the past, present, and future.

? Ever since I was born, my parents have been constantly arguing. They fight really horribly. My poor father likes to hurt himself, and whenever they fight, he likes to smash heavy objects against his head. My mother likes to throw things, smashing household appliances and even my personal belongings. The two of them later separated, and I basically grew up in fear and worry, being introverted and lonely without any sense of security.

How can we help that little one feel better?

Even though the past is in the past, it can still feel scary when memories come up. It's okay to have those feelings, and it's also okay to try to live with those memories.

We first want to make it clear that the arguments between our parents are their own business and that they chose to solve their problems in a way that we don't agree with. We don't like it, so we accept that we don't like it.

Our parents may not have created a harmonious environment for us, but we can find the strength to create our own inner sense of security. We can stop looking to our parents for this security.

The child in the past was really scared. It's okay to feel that way! We can tell the child in the past that it's okay, that it's just that our parents were a bit short-tempered, and not to be afraid, that we are all here for it. If you have any words of comfort that you want to say to your past self, you can also try writing them down. You can comfort and understand, whether it's grievances, fears, or anything else you're feeling. Write down these feelings and then comfort that past self.

I really do think that if I hadn't made friends with the lovely people I met later on, I probably would never have recovered.

As adults, we have so many wonderful ways to

We're so happy to have made new friends and to have grown out of the shadow of our parents. We also have a lot of energy!

As we grow up, we'll find there are so many ways to live and that our world is about so much more than our parents. We'll learn that violence doesn't solve problems and that we can communicate better. We'd love you to read the book "Nonviolent Communication".

For example, if marriage of convenience isn't for us, we can do more research and find our own love. As we grow up, our understanding of things changes and becomes more comprehensive.

You can trust yourself, my friend. We have ways to solve problems, and even if there is no way, we can seek help from friends. Just like the questioner coming to the platform to ask a question, which is one way.

Even though so much time has passed, I still feel insecure. I'm afraid of getting married or falling in love because I'm worried it will change my life and leave me feeling insecure. I've discovered so many new hobbies that I love, like games, anime, reading, running, traveling, and digital stuff. They make me feel really secure, but I'm also afraid that getting married or falling in love will make me lose them.

Find common ground and create a separate space.

It's totally normal to feel a little worried or scared about the uncertainty of the future. The questioner can choose someone who shares the same frequency as them, play games and watch anime together. Of course, we can't ask the other person to be exactly like us, and it's important to lower our expectations of the other person. After all, the other person definitely also wants to find someone who shares the same frequency as them.

It's also a great idea to find someone who shares your interests and hobbies. And in a romantic relationship or marriage, it's really important to have your own space so you can continue doing the things you like.

We're still young when it comes to intimate relationships, and we still have the chance to learn and grow. I really recommend Christopher's three-volume "Intimate Relationships" series. Be brave and give it a try!

It's so important to experience, feel and appreciate the beauty of intimacy. And it's also vital to take responsibility for it.

I wish you the best of luck, original poster! Sending you lots of love and support!

Hello!

I am a mindfulness coach, and I can tell you with certainty that learning is the treasure of the body.

From your description, I can clearly see your inner worries, anxieties, fears, pain, and feelings of being overwhelmed.

I won't dwell on the distress caused by your parents' bad marriage. I will, however, give you three pieces of advice.

First, accept your situation.

Doing so will make your heart feel slightly easier, which will help you think about what to do next.

You say you are a 21-year-old boy, and your parents have been arguing non-stop since you were born. You grew up in a state of worry and fear, which has led to your current state of extreme insecurity. You are afraid of marriage or dating, and you have lost that part of your life that you worked so hard to build, the sense of security that can support you and make you feel at ease. Your state of mind is understandable because many people are afraid of marriage or dating because their parents were not happy in their marriage, and they dare not enter into a relationship (children's views on marriage and dating come directly from their parents' marital status). You have to accept your state of mind, "see" that painful self of yours who is afraid, worried, but temporarily doesn't know what to do. This will give you extra mental energy to think about other things, otherwise your mind will be filled with all kinds of negative emotions.

You must accept your current situation if you want to promote change. It may sound contradictory, but it is the truth. Change is based on allowing for no change.

Secondly, you must view your own state rationally.

Rational thinking helps you understand yourself and reality better.

To view things rationally, you must do the following two things:

First, understand that you are no longer the same timid person you were.

You said you grew up worrying and being afraid. I can imagine how scared you were as a weak little child. But you have grown up now. You have knowledge and experience. You can deal with your inner worries and fears.

You have the support of good friends and a hobby you love. These strengths will always be there, so you must see your own abilities.

Furthermore, your emotional state is different from that of your parents' marriage once you enter a relationship. You have seen negative examples and know what will damage the relationship, so you also know what will benefit the development of the relationship. You need to see this difference.

Second, know that you can change the status quo.

When you exert your subjective initiative, your state will naturally change. You need to learn to look at yourself with a developmental perspective because you are only 21 years old and you still have a lot of time and energy to improve and perfect yourself. You need to see the power of time.

Furthermore, the desire to love and be loved is one of the basic needs of human beings. You will also crave love, so you will also fall in love. Have confidence in yourself and believe that the power of love will also give you the motivation to change.

You will find that various negative emotions in your heart will be resolved when you look at it rationally.

I advise you to focus on yourself and consider how you can improve your situation.

When you think about your situation rationally, you will know what to do. Focus on yourself and do your best.

Talk to your close friends about your current fears and worries about love and marriage. They will give you strength and offer you advice. Once you express your negative emotions, they will have a healing effect.

You can also try falling in love and experiencing the feeling of loving and being loved. After you have experienced that feeling many times, you will not be afraid or worried.

You might think, "What if my life is turned upside down after falling in love?" It's true that your life will change after falling in love, but such changes are not that scary. You will find that you can not only cope with such changes, but also see the beauty in them.

A relationship is uncertain and there is a possibility of breaking up, but such an experience will enhance your ability to love. A failed relationship is not a big deal and may even be a good thing. It will help you relax.

Use the worst-case scenario method to imagine what you would do if the thing you are worried or afraid of really happened. You can do it. I know you can. You have grown up and are capable of protecting yourself and handling things. The bad situation you imagined may not happen. After thinking about it, your mood may also improve. And so on. You need to know that you can do something to improve the situation.

Take action and all kinds of negative emotions in your heart will naturally be resolved. Action is the enemy of all kinds of negative emotions.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful to you. If you would like to communicate further, simply click "Find a Coach" at the bottom of the page, and I will communicate with you one-on-one.

We know that what happened in your original family was really tough for you. It's totally normal to feel a lot of pressure, fear, panic, and unease because you haven't had a good family environment for a long time.

So, you might lack self-confidence in your family, love, and life. You might also see yourself as introverted, unsociable, and insecure, and feel that you have very little self-confidence. This is because unhappy parents can cause their children a lot of trauma.

♠Twenty-one-year-old boy is afraid of marriage and love, and feels insecure.

♠Parents met through a blind date, constantly arguing, father self-harming

♠Your mother throws things away. You are separated and you are afraid.

✤✤✤✤✤ Fear of marriage

✤✤✤✤✤ Restless

Their childhood may have been spent in a state of hurt and conflict, which is really distressing and uncomfortable. It must have been so painful and a waste of time to live in such a terrible environment.

Let's say goodbye to the pain of the original family and start healing, my friend.

Those old wounds have left their mark on you, sweetheart.

It's so important to take the initiative to seek psychological counseling to help you reconstruct your understanding.

After everything that's happened and all the time that's passed, you've really been able to figure out what you truly need. I know it can be tempting to rush into marriage and relationships, but it's important to remember that not everyone is going to find a perfect partner right away.

It's also a good idea to check in with yourself to see if you've developed any psychological conditions over the years. It's totally normal to feel uneasy, worried, or afraid sometimes. But if you notice that these feelings are affecting you in a way that's disrupting your life, it might be helpful to seek support.

You've made some great positive changes in your life! You're loving life, making friends, experiencing joy, gaining lots of experience, and taking the initiative to get to know different types of people.

It's so reassuring when you can take control of some things and accept them. It's really important to deal with your own anxiety and fear of being hurt in a relationship.

I really think it would be a great idea for you to seek out some psychological counseling before you get married or start a romantic relationship. That way, you can really cherish what you have now! Once you've truly understood your partner's world view, use their history as a mirror and don't follow in your parents' footsteps. It's so important to keep your eyes open to see if you're compatible with your partner. And don't forget to keep your own standards for choosing a spouse, but handle them with care! Good luck!

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