A 23-year-old woman, with a father who is overly controlling and displays patriarchal dominance, how to cope with one's original family?

Hello, question asker! From the text, I can tell that you've had a challenging experience growing up in your original family. It's understandable that you might have felt frustrated over the years. I'm here to give you a big hug! Your father has always been a male chauvinist with a strong desire for control and a short temper. This shows that your father has certain needs that haven't been met. He's trying to get his family to see his inner needs in this way, which is an opportunity for growth.

Over the years, you have tried many ways to communicate with your father, and you've learned so much along the way! After drinking, your father becomes a different person, and both you and your mother are able to handle his emotional outbursts, which shows that he can control his emotions when he drinks.

To a certain extent, my father brought his leadership style from work into the family, which was undoubtedly a major challenge for the family. From childhood to adulthood, your impression of your father has not been very good, because your father has never realized the harm his actions have caused the family.

It's time to start communicating your feelings to your father when he's in a stable state. You're an adult now, with your own thoughts and choices! Although your father is selfish and has a strong desire for control, he can't force your thoughts. Let your father understand your feelings and those of your mother by reenacting the situation in the family. The problem with family members is caused by poor communication within the entire family. So, each family member needs to face up to each other's communication patterns. If possible, you can try family therapy!

Hello, question asker.

I'm happy to be able to discuss the issue the original poster is facing.

From what you've told me, it seems like your father is a male chauvinist and a very controlling person. He's also quick-tempered, often comes home drunk, scolds me, rejects me, and is very verbally abusive.

In the book Immature Parents, it says that what does immaturity really look like? Emotionally immature parents have the personality traits of "self-centeredness, role reversal, and lack of empathy."

Let's start by looking at how they're "self-centered." Emotionally immature adults are always thinking about themselves first and are insensitive to the emotions of others. They always think that their own needs and emotional satisfaction are the most important.

For instance, some parents vent their frustrations on their kids. It's an odd reason, really. They have no one else to direct their anger at, so they take it out on their kids.

The result is that while parents feel better when they express themselves, they don't care about their children's feelings at all.

Parents with emotional immaturity often had unhappy childhoods. As kids, they were often taught by their parents that expressing their emotions would lead to ridicule or scolding.

This makes them afraid of being punished, so they don't express or accept their emotions. Psychologists call this "emotional phobia." People with emotional phobia suppress their true feelings and develop a defensive mentality, refusing to accept intimate emotions.

It's important to understand that true emotions can actually cause anxiety. To prevent others from seeing their vulnerable side, they build a high wall around their hearts and don't even talk about their emotions with their loved ones.

It's often the case that these parents are immature and self-centered, with serious emotional deficiencies. They never see their children as independent individuals, but rather try to mold them into their own image. They can't provide their children with a sense of security, let alone emotional support.

From what we know about your father's behavior, we can get a rough idea of what's going on.

At our core, we crave the backing and encouragement of our parents.

We were raised without feeling loved. In the French classic The Little Prince, the little prince's rose is special because he trained it, caring for it daily and even talking to it. Through this warm interaction, the little prince and the rose formed a strong bond, making the flower the most beautiful one.

Similarly, parents should express their love for their children in a more personal way than just a few cold words. They should also show their children affection, play with them, and praise and hug them as they grow up. These actions may be simple, but they are the best way to convey true feelings. Unfortunately, Chinese people don't pay much attention to these things. Even though most parents are willing to give their children plenty of love, they won't be able to truly give that love if they don't know how to convey that love to their children and what their children really need.

I'd like to take a moment to share some thoughts.

Let's take a look at the following description.

He's always been pretty strict with me, so I've never had much freedom. My memories of him since childhood aren't great. When he drinks, he often gets into arguments with my mother and fights. All I can remember is arguments. I've tried different approaches, both hard and soft, but communication is impossible. He's very selfish and self-righteous. No matter what my mother and I tell him, it doesn't matter. He never listens to us. As soon as he speaks, he thinks he's right. When he drinks, he becomes a different person. Recently, because he had an argument with me, I didn't speak to him for two days. I argued with my mother and said that if it didn't work out, we would get a divorce. Then came the two days of calm. In fact, during this period, every day after work, I didn't want to go home and I didn't want to stay under the same roof as him. I feel very depressed now. I've thought about moving out, but I miss my mother and I really want her to divorce him.

We're ready to move out, but we're concerned about our mother. We can try moving out first. We can learn to detach from our parents and let them solve their problems on their own. The main thing is to take care of our own emotions first.

☀☀☀☀☀

Everyone has an authentic self, but in a toxic family, kids will try all kinds of things to get their parents' attention. They'll make mistakes and even make sacrifices along the way. Eventually, they'll find a role that fits their parents' needs perfectly. It's like they've become a key that just happens to open the door to their parents' hearts. So, they start to see themselves as a "role-based self" and become comfortable with that.

As they grow up, they'll start to believe that this is who they really are. Even when they've grown up, they'll still play this role to get attention. Playing a role is actually more exhausting than being true to oneself. It takes a lot of effort to pretend to be someone else. Not only is it exhausting, but they'll also feel uneasy, afraid that others will discover that they're not who they say they are.

This is when kids take the initiative to play roles to get the attention and love of their parents, while parents also influence their kids to become the roles they need to satisfy their own needs. For example, a mom who lacks a sense of security will add fear to her anxious and dependent child to become the center of her child's life.

Another example is an inept father who, in an attempt to gain a sense of superiority, belittles his children.

Some kids who don't get enough love and attention will make up a happy story to make themselves feel better. The author calls this a "healing fantasy." These stories always start with "if only..."

For example, they might think, "If only I had always done well at school," or "If only I were attractive," or "If only I were eloquent." They fantasize about the day when they will be loved and cared for.

Many people have lived through unhappy childhoods fuelled by these fantasies, and they have inspired them to move forward.

These kids who grew up in fantasy think that when they become adults, they'll finally have an intimate partner or friend who will make their fantasies come true. They'll have an intimate and profound relationship to fill their loneliness. But unfortunately, in real life, they'll suffer self-defeating.

This is because they don't realize that what they're trying to impose on others are just their own unrealistic fantasies.

Kids who grow up with emotionally immature parents often rely on role-playing to keep their parents happy and on fantasies to get them through a lonely and sad childhood. So, how do they cope with a lack of emotions? They usually do so in two ways: by internalizing the problem and becoming self-controllers, or by externalizing the problem and becoming controllers of external objects.

So, how can you break free from emotional manipulation and start anew?

First, we need to free ourselves from the self-defeating role and awaken our true feelings.

As we've said, kids will play "role-playing" and "fantasy" games to get through a rough childhood. But if their parents are too emotionally immature, the kids will have a hard time maintaining their numb emotions. Eventually, they'll collapse and activate their true selves.

These pains and wounds will make them take a good look at themselves, realize what they really feel, and this experience of self-transformation will be a turning point in their lives.

You might be wondering, what if they don't crumble? Well, then they'll grow up without realizing it and still act like kids, but the real self in their hearts will keep making noise until they wake up.

☺

There are three characteristics of emotionally mature people. Let's start with the first: being realistic and reliable. This is really important. It's like the structure of a house. If the house is not stable, then it's useless to do any renovations, and it could collapse one day, causing injury.

Emotionally mature people don't complain about reality. When they encounter problems, they figure out the best way to solve them. Even if they can't solve them, they don't get down on themselves or overreact.

The second characteristic is respect for others and a willingness to help. Think of it as the infrastructure that makes a house more suitable for living in, like heating and various pipes.

People who are emotionally mature know how to respect other people's individuality. They consider your feelings when communicating, have a good sense of proportion, and never cross the line. They're not concerned with gains and losses, are generous with others, and their empathy makes them considerate of others.

The third characteristic is the ability to respond. This is something you need in order to make a house a home, along with things like decorations and furniture.

They see the good in you and support you. You can be yourself around him and open up to him about your worries. He'll give you comfort and help.

If a conflict arises between two people, the emotionally mature one will take a step back, reflect on their own behavior, accept your opinions, and make changes. Even if the mistake is yours, they'll be tolerant of you and adjust their own behavior.

I'd also suggest reading "Why Does Family Hurt?" and "Immature Parents." When you're dealing with parental arguments and verbal abuse from fathers, mindfulness meditation can be a great way to heal.

When we stop dwelling on it, maybe things will start to look up.

I hope my answer is helpful to you. One last thing: I love psychology and I love you, the world.

Hello.

I am going to be very clear with you: rabbits cannot impress lions. You are an adult and financially independent, so you should move out, even if it means renting a place to live. You are not responsible for what your father does at home, and you should not continue to suffer unnecessarily.

A happy and harmonious family depends on the joint efforts of all members to create a warm, safe, and happy home. Parents who fail to recognize reality, shirk their responsibilities, and act recklessly can and will plunge a family into crisis.

The father was the sole authority figure and exerted constant pressure, so much so that both the mother and daughter lost the will to resist. When faced with the father's personality-based oppression and violence, whether physical or verbal, you must stop it or resist. Otherwise, you are condoning the crime. This also tells the father, "You have the right to do this," which is the most dangerous signal. It means the nightmare will not end, and he will not be able to perceive any of your good and kind energy. This is because the freedom that comes with violence is the easiest way to amplify desires. He will not give up such a superior right.

If you are unable to stop the violence by yourself, call the police. China's Anti-Violence Law clearly states that anyone who commits domestic violence will be held legally responsible, according to the circumstances.

The state unequivocally prohibits domestic violence of any kind.

From a realistic point of view, the father is detached from reality. He is unaware that he has lost control. He believes he has already done enough by providing you with food and clothing. He is free to do whatever he wants. His longing for power and the conditions in which he can satisfy his power in the family and outside the family make it even more difficult for him to recognize where a father's responsibilities and boundaries lie. In such an unequal environment, it is difficult to use communication to convey your pain and anxiety. Without positive feedback, you will only feel more confused.

The solution to any family problem is clear understanding and a contrite heart. The father in the story has a fixed mindset and enjoys supreme power, making it difficult to turn the situation around. There is no need to obsess about changing or saving the other person. Learn to step back and deal with the problem. Some problems do not need to be solved by us to end.

You must learn to let go and see the part of yourself that needs to grow from the problem. This is how you establish your own boundaries.

This involves not only parent-child relationships but also marital problems. You cannot take over this responsibility for them. Parents must face and deal with it themselves, and children can only serve as a bridge to ease the situation and convey more valuable information. Children are independent individuals, not the parents' appendages, with independent personalities. Parents must respect their children's personalities and have no right to abuse, insult, or order them around.

As children, we must understand that we cannot directly change our parents. We can only influence our surroundings through our own growth. By growing, we gain greater psychological energy and the strength to resist external pressures.

Parents must let their children go. Lack of love from parents torments children in a thousand different ways, preventing them from growing up independently. However, children still have a future, and they will set sail as the protagonists of their own lives.

You will transform and grow early.

You've got this!

Good day, host. From your description, it is evident that you were reprimanded and experienced profound distress. You were uncertain about how to respond to these circumstances. It is essential to disassociate from the immediate family and examine the issue objectively, as those involved are perplexed.

Furthermore, I can discern your efforts. Despite your attempts to communicate with your father, it appears that these efforts have not yielded the desired effect. Nevertheless, I believe that your efforts are commendable and deserve recognition.

Your father disapproves of you and is negative about you. You experience negative affect as a result of this disapproval and negativity.

1. It is possible to convey to one's father in a firm but gentle manner the extent of one's achievements. It is also necessary to demonstrate that his views are erroneous.

2. It is evident that he frequently engages in disputes with your mother, yet the specific subject of contention remains unclear. One potential avenue for gaining insight into this matter is to observe their expressions and behaviors during these disagreements, as well as to identify the underlying causes.

This facilitates the establishment of a connection and communication between you and him.

3. It is also hoped that the subject will be able to engage with her father. When expressing her own feelings, she may inadvertently convey a sense of rejection and threat, which could elicit a strong response.

Additionally, he is someone who is averse to rejection and may have seldom received affirmation or appreciation.

4. He lacks the ability to offer constructive criticism in a positive manner, resorting instead to a negative tone of voice. His actions and thought processes are incongruous with the prevailing attitudes within Chinese families, which often involve comparing children to one another. This is a particularly illustrative example.

5. The capacity to offer praise is a skill that can be acquired. It is not an innate ability, as not everyone is born with the capacity to praise. In the context of his upbringing, he has learned to use this approach to put others down.

However, the underlying intention is one of care. It would be beneficial to examine this matter from a different perspective.

Furthermore, it is recommended that the subject forgive their father, as this will facilitate reconciliation with their family of origin and with themselves. It should be noted, however, that this is a personal choice.

Furthermore, it is imperative to engage in a dialogue with your father. He has maintained this practice for decades, and it may prove challenging to alter it instantaneously. Consequently, if you are experiencing distress, it is crucial to adapt your perspective and embrace a more constructive approach. What are your thoughts on this matter?

It would be beneficial to consider his original intention, which was for your own benefit, but he lacked the ability to express it effectively and had not yet acquired the necessary skills to do so. This may have a positive effect on your mood.

I will conclude here. I believe that my perspective is limited to this particular context, and that the other respondents possess more comprehensive insights.

Dear Questioner,

I am grateful for this opportunity to engage with your question. I have carefully read your topic for help, empathizing with the challenges you have described. I commend your courage in seeking support and your willingness to reflect on and address these issues. I am also motivated to engage with your question, with the hope of providing comfort and inspiration.

The aforementioned circumstances warrant a comprehensive examination.

The aforementioned situation can be summarized as follows:

The father displays characteristics of a male chauvinist, exhibiting a strong desire for control, a short temper, extreme selfishness, a high sense of self-worth, and alcohol dependency.

The father is characterized by strictness towards the questioner, the adoption of a repressive family education, and the frequent use of verbal violence, which results in the questioner experiencing a lack of freedom.

The father frequently threatens to divorce the mother, and he considers himself to be the "king" of the family. The questioner and her mother are both "at the mercy of her father."

...

Firstly, it is imperative to respect one's inner feelings, accept the familial situation as it currently stands, and strive to become psychologically independent in the future.

1. It is possible that my father subscribes to a traditional view of children as the property of their parents, who may exploit them at will. Our educational environment may have instilled in us the idea of "perfect parents," who demand that children do this and that for them, while often ignoring the limitations of parents and the harm they can cause their children.

Once an issue has been identified, the process of change has already commenced.

2. It is not uncommon to experience feelings of resentment towards one's parents. It is also acceptable for the questioner to express discontent with his father's various behaviors, and there is no need to suppress his emotions. If we lack the experience of love from our parents and instead encounter control, belittlement, or demands, it is understandable that we might develop negative feelings towards them.

The act of holding a grudge does not inherently indicate an intention to cause harm to one's parents. Instead, it is crucial to acknowledge and understand the underlying emotions that drive such feelings.

3. The desire to live one's life in accordance with one's own identity is a universal human aspiration. When this is thwarted by parental influence, it is only natural that feelings of anger and resentment may arise. It is therefore important to recognise that such negative emotions are not a result of selfish behaviour on the part of one's father, but rather a consequence of the suppression of one's true self.

The ego is capable of discerning the authentic needs of the id without the necessity of suppressing them through the superego. This enables a state of harmony to be achieved.

Secondly, a psychological boundary should be gradually established with the original family.

1. Upon reaching the age of adulthood, individuals can begin to psychologically disengage from the control exerted by their original family.

The essence of maturation is the establishment of boundaries with one's parents. However, the super-ego often constrains individuals, leading them to make the opposite choice and satisfy their father's demands, thereby becoming trapped in a state of control. Consequently, the questioner suppresses his emotions in this manner.

2. It is recommended that the questioner read the book Parents Who Won't Grow Up, which provides insight into the constraints of parental growth.

The father in question exhibits manipulative behaviors towards his children, attempting to gain unquestioning obedience to his ideas. These fathers have not undergone the process of psychological maturation and remain dependent on their children, who they perceive as a source of gratification for their own needs.

3. It is imperative that we learn to accept ourselves, despite the influence of our parents. Even if our parents belittle or suppress us, it does not necessarily follow that their opinions are correct. We must learn to do what we want to do without forcing ourselves. There is a significant distinction between awareness and action. We must learn to refuse our father's demands, even on minor issues, which will require time.

It is imperative to refrain from allowing this individual to interfere in your life. This is the initial step.

Fourth, the topic of how parents interact with each other or the topic of their unhappy marriage is a private matter that should be left to the parents themselves to address. If the decision is made to move out on one's own, it is a valid choice. After preparing oneself mentally, the decision should be expressed to the parents in a gentle but firm manner, and then carried out.

Thirdly, it is imperative to care for oneself and learn to love oneself for who one is in order to live one's true self.

1. It is recommended that you prioritize your own needs from this point forward.

In instances where one perceives attempts at control by parents, it is important to recall that one's own needs are just as significant as those of one's parents.

I am entitled to make my own decisions without feeling guilty. We are not the property nor the servants of our parents.

A father may engage in behaviors such as scolding, suppressing, or verbally attacking his child, yet the child is the sole arbiter of whether or not to experience feelings of guilt as a result.

2. It is essential to provide oneself with the necessary care and attention to ensure the well-being of one's feelings and emotions.

It is only when we are able to care for ourselves that we can give without discomfort if we wish to meet the needs of our parents. This is because we are then giving not for their affirmation, but acting spontaneously.

The manner in which one is treated, particularly by one's father, is a matter for him alone. It is not necessary to request that one's parents alter their behaviour; rather, it is sufficient to effect a change in oneself.

3. The concept of subject separation, which involves differentiating between one's own concerns and those of one's parents, is a fundamental tenet of psychological theory. By establishing clear boundaries between what is personally relevant, what is within one's control, and what is beyond one's influence, individuals can gain a sense of autonomy and freedom.

The manner in which one's parents treat them is a matter for their own conscience, as is the way in which one treats one's parents. Similarly, the demands made of one by one's parents are a matter for one's own discretion.

4. The psychological maturity of an individual is indicated by their capacity to assume responsibility for their own choices and actions. When an individual is able to live in accordance with their true self, without causing harm to others, and pursues their own desires without seeking external validation or compensation, it becomes easier for them to experience profound love within their hearts, as a result of the absence of any underlying resentment.

5. The following books are recommended for the questioner: Beyond the Original Family, Why Does Family Hurt, Love Yourself Back, and Find a Home for the Child Within. These can be read at the reader's convenience, or a special course can be taken on the Yixinli platform, or selected articles can be read to facilitate rapid growth. Should the above not prove helpful, the option of seeking assistance from a professional counselor is also available.

The aforementioned response is a concise answer based on the initial inquiry. It is my hope that it will provide positive and helpful inspiration and assistance. Should further exchanges and interactions be necessary, you are welcome to engage in them. It is my sincere hope that you will break free from the constraints of your original family as soon as possible and live out your true self.

~~~

My name is Sunshine, and I am a licensed psychological counselor. I extend my love and support to all members of the global community.

Hello!

Your statement made me think of a saying: a family's influence lasts a lifetime.

A person's family of origin can have a big impact, even on their descendants.

Each of us is influenced by our family of origin. Our values, marriage, career, and personality are all shaped by our family.

I understand the original poster's feelings. A grumpy father with a strong desire for control. Staying in such a family feels oppressive. We can't choose to be born. We can't change other people; we can only change ourselves.

We can't change our parents' marriage unless they change themselves. We are independent now that we're adults. Our parents were just the gateway to this world for us. We respect our parents for who they are because we can't change them. Everyone comes into this world with challenges.

We must learn to heal ourselves and spend our lives healing our childhood.

We cannot let our family's past hurt us. How can we heal?

First, recognize that you are imperfect.

"No one is perfect." Parents are imperfect too.

Second, choose your own way of growing up.

Learn to get along with your family. Don't let your parents' expectations hold you back.

Don't try to be perfect.

Life is imperfect. Accept that, accept your parents, and be down to earth.

We shouldn't give up just because we're not the best. We can learn, grow, and improve.

Third, after adulthood, learn to set boundaries with your parents. Everyone needs space to be in control. The comfortable distance is at least 1.2 meters.

We must distinguish between other people's business and our own. First, there is God's business, including our birth, our parents, etc. These are all fates that we cannot change. Second, there is other people's business. Everyone except ourselves is someone else. We must consider whether we have the ability to care. Third, there is our own business, which we must take seriously.

When we become adults, we must learn to protect ourselves, defend our rights, make our own decisions, and start living in the real world. Go for it!

I hope this has inspired you!