A key high school, grades declining, is it the pursuit of goals or the compulsion of freedom?

Hello! I really hope my answer can help you in some way.

From your description, I get the feeling that you're trying to gain your family's approval and recognition. It seems like when you don't do well in school, and your work and marriage aren't settled, your family might not like you as much. But I'm sure you'll prove them wrong! I bet they'll recognize and like you when you get good grades again in the exam and meet their expectations in terms of work and marriage.

But here's the amazing thing: when you recognize yourself, you also recognize others! It's not about when they can recognize you, but when you recognize yourself enough, when you are satisfied with yourself, and when your family or others see that you have lived out your own self. This is a conclusion I've drawn from my own experience and have seen confirmed again and again by many people.

I've got some great suggestions for you!

1. Accepting others is just being like this. And it's totally possible! While it can be challenging, it's so worth it to try to change others.

As the saying goes in "A Change of Heart": There are only three things in the world: your own affairs, other people's affairs, and the affairs of heaven. The reason we are troubled is because we do not control our own affairs, but worry about other people's affairs and the affairs of heaven. But there is a solution! We can take control of our own affairs and stop worrying about other people's affairs and the affairs of heaven.

What other people think and do is their business, and we can't control it. That's a good thing! Mum is an independent individual, and her thoughts and feelings are shaped by her genetic makeup, upbringing, education, living environment, etc. So, she is just the way she is, and if she doesn't want to change, there's nothing we can do to change her. The same goes for other family members like grandpa and dad. They are all independent individuals, and their actions and thoughts are beyond our control. And that's a wonderful thing!

The good news is that although we cannot change them, we can change ourselves! We can try to accept them and express our needs and feelings to them.

When you truly accept them for who they are, you'll be amazed at how much better you feel! You'll be calm and at peace because you'll realize that the real them is just like this. They're not the way you idealize them, and they have their limitations. But they still love you! They just love you in a way that is different from what you expect, and that's okay!

2. Use non-violent communication to express your thoughts and feelings to your family. It's a great way to communicate!

The purpose of communication is to promote mutual exchange and understanding, not to prove who is right and who is wrong!

Let's dive into the steps of non-violent communication! You've got this. First, state the objective facts. Second, express your feelings. Third, express your needs. And finally, request the other person's action.

You can say to your mother (father, grandfather, etc.): "Mum (Dad, Grandpa, etc.), when I don't do well in exams, you don't pay much attention to me (state the objective fact, being careful not to accuse or judge). I feel bad, a bit aggrieved, and a bit angry (express your true feelings). I hope you can always support me and recognize me, no matter what my studies are like. I need your support and trust, which will give me the courage to face all the difficulties in reality (express your needs). I'd love to hear your thoughts and feelings! (Request the other person to take action).

Once you understand each other's needs and feelings, you'll see your emotional bond grow stronger. You'll understand and know each other better than ever! They might not dislike you just because you're not doing well in your studies. It could just be a misunderstanding.

3. Treat the evaluation of others correctly, do not regard learning as the only standard for measuring yourself, and clarify your own direction.

We are all different, and each of us has our own set of standards within, which makes us all unique!

It's so great when others meet our evaluation standards! We like, recognize, and support them. But when they don't meet our standards, we can still recognize and appreciate their unique qualities.

On the contrary, when we meet the other person's evaluation standards, it's a sure thing: the other person will approve of us! And when we don't meet the other person's evaluation standards, it's an opportunity to grow and improve.

So you will find that whether the other person recognizes you or not has little to do with you, but rather whether you match his evaluation criteria. But here's the great news: we cannot control the thoughts and actions of others, and we cannot meet everyone's evaluation criteria every time. That means you get to decide what's important to you and go for it!

Life is full of challenges, and everyone has different goals and circumstances. There's no need to compare yourself to others or try to make everyone fit into your mold. You don't need to seek understanding and approval from others in every aspect of your life.

So, there's absolutely no need to sacrifice yourself to gain the approval of others. You don't have to trade relationships for this either. It really doesn't matter if you are liked or disliked because, no matter what you are like, there will always be people who like you and people who dislike you. The important thing is whether you can accept this self that is liked and disliked at the same time!

We don't live to satisfy other people's expectations. If we keep seeking other people's approval and caring about what they think, we will end up living other people's lives. If we hope too much to be recognized by others, we will live our lives according to other people's expectations, and thus lose our true selves. This will in turn bring you trouble, because it is not the life you really want. But it's time to take back control! You can treat yourself as someone else and evaluate yourself comprehensively, objectively, and truthfully. In this way, you will know yourself better and know yourself well enough. You also know what you want. At this time, other people's evaluation has become less important.

It's time to take back the right to evaluate yourself! Treat yourself as if you were someone else and give yourself a comprehensive, objective, and truthful evaluation. This is the only way to truly know yourself and your desires. Other people's opinions don't matter as much as they used to.

When you stop caring what others think and just live your life as your true self, something amazing happens: your relationships get better! Those "bad relationships" you've traded for by pleasing others and suppressing your own needs will no longer bother you.

There's so much more to a person than just their ability to learn! Some people may not be the best at studying, but they're absolutely amazing at other things. When they discover their strengths and let them shine, they can live an incredible life. And when we live our lives to the fullest, others will naturally admire us!

I hope this is helpful for you! Wishing you all the best!

Good day, questioner.

After attending a prestigious high school, I experienced a significant decline in my academic performance. I felt that I had let down not only myself but also those who had expected me to excel.

I am unable to garner the attention and respect from my mother and family members that I believe I deserve. This has led me to feel worthless and abandoned.

At a fundamental level, we may perceive the love of our loved ones as being contingent upon certain conditions.

Parents have expectations of their children, some of which are reasonable. For example, they may wish for their sons to be healthy and happy. Some expectations may be the result of the parents' own unfulfilled wishes, and they may hope that their children can fulfill them. For example, if they themselves are uneducated, they may hope that their children will be educated and attend a good university.

If children meet their parents' expectations, it will naturally lead to a positive outcome for the parents and other relatives. The children's achievements are a reflection of their upbringing, and therefore they will take pride in them.

If their children do not meet their expectations, some parents may become visibly upset, expressing their dissatisfaction verbally. These expressions will be perceived by our sensitive hearts, and we will then think that our parents no longer "love" us as much as they used to.

We perceive our parents' affection as contingent, and consequently, believe that our parents will only express love if we meet certain standards. When we strive to meet these standards, the approval of our parents and loved ones may appear insincere, as maintaining positive behavior is challenging. While they may express happiness for themselves, we may dwell on past or potential future neglect.

In essence, regardless of our actions, we tend to be overly concerned with the attitudes of those around us. We frequently find ourselves dwelling on past events or fretful about future outcomes.

How might we break this cycle of perception? I would like to suggest the following:

(1) Transform conditional love into unconditional love.

Despite occasional shortcomings in meeting the expectations of parents or other loved ones, it is important to recognize that they will always care about us. This underscores the unconditional nature of parental love for their children.

It is acknowledged that a significant proportion of parents still find it challenging to demonstrate unconditional love for their children. Many parents are unsure of how to express this, which can result in their children not receiving the level of unconditional care they deserve.

(2) It is essential to cultivate an unconditional sense of self-acceptance and self-satisfaction.

Unconditional happiness is the feeling of joy that comes from comparing your own performance to your previous results and seeing your own progress and growth. In this way, your focus is on your own performance rather than on the attitudes of others towards you. Whether others' attitudes towards you are positive or negative, they will not have a significant impact on you, or influence you for long.

(3) Mitigate concerns and apprehensions regarding future scenarios.

When we lack control over the future, it is natural to consider the worst-case scenario. However, dwelling on this can lead to increased worry and fear. It is helpful to envision the least favorable outcome and prepare for it.

Finding a way to cope with it may make us more open to what we are doing or going to do, and we can do our best to do it well. For example, with exams, we can take comfort in the knowledge that the worst that can happen is that we don't do well this time; we can simply try again next time.

With this mindset, we can focus on the present and prepare for the exam effectively.

(4) It is important to recognize that, apart from ourselves, not many people are invested in our success.

It is human nature to prioritize one's own interests, and this is also true of other individuals. To live freely, one must have the autonomy to act in accordance with their own desires.

The above suggestions are for your reference only.

We hope these suggestions are helpful. Best regards,

Hug the original poster! You are someone who cares deeply about the feelings of those around you, and you're ready to start caring for yourself. I can understand your situation, and it is not easy, but you're ready to make a change.

Your family loves you because you're the best!

"I'm ready to start getting the attention and respect I deserve from my mother and relatives. I'm ready to feel valuable and supported. My grandfather was always so loving, and I'm excited to see that again."

This kind of love is called "conditional love."

We can't expect our family members to change, but we can change ourselves!

1. Love yourself! You are the only one you will spend your life with, so make it a great one!

When we were young, we had the incredible opportunity to deliberately please our family because they were our world and we needed their financial support.

When you grow up and work for yourself, you can support yourself, and you get to give yourself the love you deserve!

It's your future out there, whether it's exams or changing jobs. You've got this!

Don't let other people's opinions hold you back — go for it!

Give yourself all the love and strength you need! Everything you do is for yourself, so go for it!

2. Shift your focus to your goals!

Set yourself an amazing goal for the next 3-5 years: to be able to live independently!

If we always focus on the negative, we'll never find our true path in life!

The questioner can set a goal and plan for the future, whether it's an exam or work!

You can do it! Take it one step at a time and make progress in small but meaningful ways every day. Before you know it, you'll be amazed at how much you've improved. And as you get better and better, you'll find that you have more and more energy to focus on the things that really matter to you.

3. We can't change the external environment and people, but we can explore ourselves inwardly to better understand ourselves – and that's something we can do!

The questioner is someone who can do very well! After all, if you work hard in junior high school, you can get into a key high school!

This shows that the questioner's qualifications are absolutely excellent!

As you grow older and your values develop, you can ask yourself more and more: what kind of person do you want to be? And it's an amazing journey to embark on!

Find a role model close to you that you admire in particular, learn from them, and try to be like them!

And you can ask yourself what your past successes and failures have meant to you and what you have learned from them!

When you talk to yourself every day and review your work and studies for the day, you are constantly reshaping and integrating yourself—and it's an amazing process!

You will become clearer about what you want and don't want, and it's going to be amazing!

And the best part is, you'll also start making your own choices, becoming more and more determined!

When your heart is strong, you'll be able to tune out all the noise and focus on what's important!

And finally, I want to say: don't deny your family because of this!

The great news is that you can decide everything in life on your own, except for your parents, who we cannot decide for.

And they will have their responsibilities to bear, which is a great reason for you to stand up for yourself!

It could also be because they lack self-confidence, so they place all their expectations on you. This is the behavior of a weak person, but you can help them become stronger!

But no matter what, they have done an amazing job of raising us!

We may not be able to change them, but we can definitely escape some of the negative effects they bring!

When the questioner has a family with children in the future, you can tell yourself to love your children unconditionally, let them grow up in a loving environment, and have a more enjoyable childhood!

I wish the OP all the love in the world for herself, to be kind to herself, and to move towards her goals. Youth is the best capital, so let's do this!

Hello,

From what you've told me, it seems like your life and work are pretty intense. It seems like the choices you made about your work, the exams you chose to take, and the direction you chose for your life weren't really for yourself. It seems like you were carrying the pressure from the people around you, including your parents, relatives, and so on.

This makes you feel like you don't have anything to show for all your hard work. You feel frustrated when you study and your grades drop, but you don't care much about it. Instead, you're thinking about how your loved ones are acting. The changes in them are like their fake smiles and warm greetings, which make you feel like they're hypocritical and power-hungry. Then they respond indifferently to you, and their indifference makes you feel like they don't care about you at all. You'll feel like it doesn't matter if you study well or not, and it doesn't matter if you study badly or not.

It's as if you don't really want either of these things. It's the same after you start working. When you're doing a good job, you have to face their false flattery. When you encounter difficulties at work, or when they make you feel undignified, the trauma of indifference and neglect will resurface, and you'll feel that your work is meaningless too. You can't find your motivation from the bottom of your heart, and you can't revitalize your vitality.

But at the end of the day, you still care about them a lot. You might not agree with some of their attitudes and even resent them, but at your core, you still care about them a lot and love them a lot.

You might say that to impress them and do what they want, you'll make your work match their expectations and take the exams. You can also imagine how happy they'll be when you pass.

However, such behavior patterns can be said to satisfy their demands and expectations on the one hand, and they also gain their respect. But it's not what you really want. As you would say, sometimes I just hope I don't get into the school I applied to. I also hope I don't do well at work. And even as a student, I don't want to get good grades.

Because there's a part of ourselves in this, maybe one you haven't explored much and haven't taken care of your feelings, but your true feelings will tell you that you're uncomfortable. Just as you deliberately sabotage with this rebellious and rebellious attitude, it's also a way to see and maintain yourself.

Because when you're trying to please others and take care of their feelings, you're also trying to please yourself. And if you don't take care of yourself, you'll end up feeling dissatisfied. So while you're trying to please others, the repressed parts of yourself will occasionally come out to cause havoc.

First, think about it this way: your parents and relatives care about your academic performance, your choice of work, your personal development, your family and romantic relationships, your interpersonal interactions, and so on. This is also a way for them to show their love for you and that they care about you.

But at the same time, this approach can make us feel pretty uncomfortable. We've been living in this mode of coexistence, compromising while resisting at the same time. So our results might be good and bad, our work might be good and bad, and our relationships, personal development, marriages, and romances might also be good and bad.

It's like saying that you don't approve of their actions in terms of your own thinking and perception, and you don't agree with accepting them in terms of your own emotions. But you carry their expectations and demands for you, and their life's issues, on your own shoulders. When your own part conflicts with another's, it's when you're particularly unstable. It's like two voices, one telling your own part, telling yourself, "I don't want to take the exam, but I want to do well," and the other carrying the voice of another person, telling you, "I must do well in the exam." Then you're full of conflict and exhaustion.

I've been dealing with this for years, and I think you've been going through a rough patch too. Now that you're aware of it and can tackle these issues head-on, I'm sure you're ready to make some changes and get some help. So, you can start letting go of the parts that aren't yours, little by little.

Then, take the pieces that are yours and give them some attention. I think you'll find that you have a different perspective on your own growth and how you interact with others. At the same time, I hope that in this process, you can also give yourself more time and space to fully present yourself.

Good day.

I am pleased to be able to offer you some advice.

From your written description, I can ascertain that you have a clear vision for your future. You have a well-developed understanding of your strengths, interests, and values. You have been consistently engaged in work since the beginning of high school, driven by a desire to prove yourself to your family. You have since recognized that your initial career choice was not aligned with your true calling. You are now at a pivotal point in your life, poised for a significant transition.

However, you have not yet identified this change, which is preventing you from making decisions about your future. Let's start with your opening remarks.

You attended a prestigious high school, where your academic performance declined significantly. Your family had high expectations for you, but they primarily focused on your grades, perhaps neglecting to consider your emotional well-being and internal fluctuations. When they observed a decline in your grades, they lost interest in supporting you. You began to believe that your lack of admission to a prestigious high school and poor academic performance made you undeserving of their care and affection.

You invested a great deal of time and effort into your studies to demonstrate to yourself that you could succeed.

Your academic results are also noteworthy, and you have demonstrated to them that you can achieve certain goals. However, each time you complete this persistence, effort, and perseverance, you only receive the joy and concern that your grades have generated. You may not feel a great deal about the affection between your loved ones. Over time, you may experience a sense of sadness, and you may believe that if you do not have academic or career achievements, you are worthless.

You are somewhat perplexed by your own behavior, particularly the extent to which you are investing in your studies and your place in the academic environment.

I am curious if you have experienced similar manifestations of this type of pleasing personality prior to high school. For instance, if you received a poor grade on an exam, you were concerned about disclosing this information to your parents and observed their reactions closely.

You are a person with a sensitive disposition. When you perceive a discrepancy in the interpersonal dynamic, you will strive to align your conduct with the other party's actions, aiming to gain their attention and avoid being overlooked. Have you ever had these concerns?

When we were young, our parents were our primary source of authority, and we accepted their opinions as absolute truths. When they were unhappy, we subconsciously felt responsible for their distress. However, as we mature, we realize that individuals have diverse perspectives. Some believe that excelling academically is the key to success, but is this truly the optimal path for you?

As you have matured, you have come to recognize that the opinions of others may not always align with your personal values and goals. Once you have articulated your authentic thoughts and aspirations, you can then proceed with a clear sense of purpose.

Take, for instance, your initial experience in a role that proved unsatisfactory.

You have indicated that you feel constrained in your current role and have limited freedom. You hope that passing this exam will allow you to resume a more typical work pattern. There is nothing wrong with this, as you have the right to choose your own career path. This does not mean that you are taking the exam because you have previously restricted your freedom or because of the influence of others.

Rather, you have identified your true passion and inner self, and you have determined the optimal lifestyle and rhythm for your personal circumstances. Consequently, you have chosen to take the exam and pursue a transformative change.

You have now taken the first step to effecting a change in yourself. It is therefore important to persevere and not allow yourself to be unduly influenced by the opinions and thoughts of others. If they are genuinely concerned about your wellbeing, their advice should be taken on board.

Ultimately, we must consider our own approach to achieve the best results. It is essential to adhere to our principles while recognizing that the requirements and standards of others may not align with our goals.

Therefore, the outcome of the exam, the extent of preparation, and the confidence in passing are not the concern of others. These are internal goals and ideas that we pursue for ourselves.

It is important to remember that when others look at us, they inevitably include their perspective on the world and the conclusions they have drawn from their life experiences. Therefore, we should focus on being responsible for ourselves and planning for our own lives.

I hope you will continue to pursue your original aspirations and achieve your goals.

I wish you the best of success.

Should you wish to continue communicating, please click on the "Find a coach" link located in the upper right corner or at the bottom of the page. I will then be happy to communicate with you on a one-to-one basis.

One Psychology Q&A Community, World, and I Love You: https://m.xinli001.com/qa

Hello, host!

I'm a little bummed that I didn't totally get what you meant by "freedom compulsion" in your question. Are you wondering if you were pursuing your goal or if you were forced to go to high school because you weren't free to work? If it's the latter, wouldn't it make sense for your grades to drop?

I'm sure good grades aren't your main goal here, but running away from work?

Or maybe you're wondering if the drop in grades is because you've set your sights on other goals and are feeling less motivated to maintain your grades, or if it's because "giving your family a chance to be impressed" makes you feel controlled by others and pressured, which once again makes you feel unfree, so the desire to feel free is driving you to rebel against maintaining good grades?

I'm sorry if I've misunderstood your question, but it seems like you're caught between two opposing forces. It's totally normal to feel this way! You're trying to balance wanting to get into a great high school and impress people, but also feeling unsure about it. It's okay to feel this way! You might get into a great high school and feel really excited and proud, but at the same time, you might also feel a bit overwhelmed or even scared.

It's totally normal to feel unsure about what you want. It's like you're caught between two forces: the desire to be in control and the need to break free. You want to pursue your own goals and feel free, but at the same time, you're held back by the influence of others.

I feel that the words "goal" and "freedom" in your question reflect a deep desire or need within you. It's just hidden very deeply and is not clear. If you try to see it more clearly, it may help you understand why you have such conflicting feelings. Once you understand this, you can think about your goals and realize your free will.

It's a long and sometimes tricky process to figure out what you really want and need. At different stages and in different situations, different answers will keep popping up and you might doubt and deny them. The truth is, no one else can give you the answer that truly belongs to you because your thoughts, feelings, and actions are yours and yours alone.

However, humans do have some commonalities, so I'm going to share my answer with you based on the limited information you've given me and according to the commonalities of life in a common and possible sense. I know this next part is a bit brutal, but I really want to help you, so please stick with me!

I truly believe that your deep-seated longing and need are the same as everyone else's. We all crave unconditional love that is stable and lasting. When we experience such love, it gives us a wonderful sense of security, belonging, and worth.

In other words, whether you behave well or badly, your parents and the people around you will always pay attention to you, respect you, warm you, and support you. They'll love you unconditionally, even when you don't meet their expectations. This is also called conditional love, but it seems that the words and deeds of your family and relatives precisely match this.

I feel like some people don't really deserve to be called loved ones. They smile and laugh at you because you live the way they envy, and they want to experience the feeling of being admired and having their needs met. It's like some people who enthusiastically follow celebrities are not really in love with them, but are just trying to satisfy their need to be admired.

It's pretty common to see people who are super into celebrities. They might even be born in the same place as the celebrity! It's like they think that makes them just as great as the celebrity. But then, when the celebrity gets into some negative news, these people are the first to turn their back on them. They'll curse and attack the celebrity without any love, as if they can completely sever any relationship they had with the celebrity. It's like they're trying to prove to themselves that they're not so bad.

And what is the truth? Well, it seems that these folks have never really contributed anything to the celebrity's greatness. I'm not quite sure what they're so proud of when they worship the celebrity. And these folks also have nothing to do with the celebrity's negative news. It's a bit of a mystery what they're so angry about when they jump up and down and attack indiscriminately.

After reading this, I bet you'll realize that you're the star in the hearts of the people around you!

It's totally understandable that you feel conflicted. It's likely that the love you receive from those around you isn't even conditional love. They smile at you out of a need to feel proud, and they ignore you out of a need to feel good about themselves. In such an environment, where people can turn on you as quickly as they can flip through a book, it's only natural to feel insecure and without a sense of belonging. So, seeking to prove your worth to gain a sense of security and belonging becomes your most instinctive response. You take the junior high school entrance exam, the high school entrance exam, and you get a job. Maybe none of it is what you want or like, but you do it just to show them: look at me, look at me, I'm valuable, I'm worth your love.

But even if you do a good job and they really come to see you and love you, you still won't be satisfied. Your intuition is telling you that they don't love you, that they're just going through the motions. This can make you feel disgusted and scared. It can make you feel like the world is a scary place, like you could be abandoned at any time.

Humans are born with receptors that can intuitively tell whether they are loved. It's such a shame that when we grow up and our minds are filled with all kinds of preaching and doctrines, we are confused instead. We often lose the ability to distinguish between true love and even lose the ability to recognize our own feelings. That's why we are full of internal conflict and can't figure out what's wrong with us.

It's totally understandable that we can't always know what we want or what our goals are. Our attention is often drawn to the words, attitudes, and emotions of the people around us, and we unconsciously follow them. This can sometimes result in us feeling a bit controlled, which is never a good feeling!

I just wanted to say that I'm sharing my opinion as one possibility. There might be other reasons why this is happening in your situation. Maybe your parents or grandparents are unable to give you the attention you used to get for other reasons. Or perhaps your relatives don't want to disturb you when you're not feeling well because they're worried you'll be in a bad mood and need your own space. If this is the case, I truly believe they love you and just don't know exactly what you need from them.

It's tough to see what we truly want and need, and we often can't recognize it ourselves. We're limited by our human capabilities, and it's not easy to give unconditional love for a long time. It's something we all struggle with.

So, what you need to do is learn to love yourself unconditionally. But that's another story.

I really hope this has been helpful for you. I hope it has helped you think, helped you explore your deep needs, helped you clarify your goals, and helped you find freedom.

That's all for now! The world and I love you!

I can see that you want to get the respect and love you deserve from your mother and your loved ones.

I can sense the emotional distance you feel from your heart. The shift in how you relate to your family makes you feel uneasy on a psychological level.

It seems like everyone is quick to praise you when you do well on an exam, but no one cares much when you don't do as well. It can make people feel like

You might be wondering why they act this way. I can see how it could be confusing.

At the same time, you might have a new perspective on things.

You want to be loved and valued, and you think that if you don't feel valuable, you won't be loved or treated well. So you want to prove yourself and show that you are valuable.

I want to tell you that your life has meaning and value from the moment you are born. I hope you can see your own value, rather than seeking it from others like they seek your value. Recognizing your value begins with your own perception of its value.

First, you need to know yourself and believe in your own value.

Then he can see your value and recognize you. Just don't put the cart before the horse.

Is there a story like this in your heart? Because I don't want to see you like this.

I'm not keen on getting in at the moment.

Of course, this is just my best guess. Is that the right answer for you?