A wrong choice in the past has caused harm that has not been resolved to this day

Dear Sir/Madam,

From initial interactions with strangers to self-projection due to feelings of gratitude, and in the blink of an eye, realizing deception and being unable to speak, you experience the hurt. It is crucial to discuss this kind of experience because it allows us to open up and address the emotions that are blocked. Only a life that flows and circulates will regain its due vitality. Any part of the blockage is a loss, and we are always responsible for ourselves.

The theory of islands posits that each individual is independent and longs to connect. These two concepts may appear contradictory, but they coexist in harmony. This state of affairs describes the underlying tone of our interpersonal interactions, which is to understand and follow the "boundaries" in interpersonal interactions. As the host stated, the relative helped you find a job because of the request of her lover, and demonstrated the care of an older generation in the relationship. This situation made you lose sight of the boundaries, and there was a dislocation between the defined "daughter" and the real "daughter" with a blood relationship. Therefore, in the subsequent period, when you worked overtime late into the night and were still asked to care for that blood "daughter," you felt a sense of betrayal.

It is often the case that love and hurt are closely intertwined. When one is deeply in love with someone, the equivalent or doubled pain of getting hurt is felt. This is because the emotional investment in the relationship is significant. It can be challenging to find a way to heal from this kind of hurt. This is because the pain is not easily visible, and it is not caused by an external force. It is often the result of a spiritual plunder, which can be difficult to discern.

In addressing this kind of hurt from someone we once trusted, it is not the pain itself that is most unacceptable, but rather the trust that has been violated. This is often a result of our projection of past loved ones and expectations of human kindness.

Once we have been hurt, the question that causes us the most distress is whether there is no genuine kindness in this world, or whether we are undeserving of being cherished. This kind of introspection is what causes us the most pain. As long as we remain calm and think rationally, we can take a normalised and objective view. Kindness is a quality that everyone has, and it is a source of pride. However, just like the stars, it is not visible to the naked eye all the time. We are worthy of love, and it is not for other people to decide. The right to decide is always in our own hands, because we are the first person to love ourselves, and only we are always responsible for ourselves.

Learning to be tolerant does not imply forgiveness of the harm done. Rather, it entails understanding the source of the harm to prevent self-doubt.

Hello, questioner!

I just read the last supplement and I'm so impressed! You've already taken the initiative to protect yourself by cutting off contact with relatives. It's clear that you understand the importance of setting boundaries and you're confident enough to take the lead when boundaries are unclear. It's so inspiring to see your strength and awareness of self-protection!

You mentioned that this incident is still an emotional trigger for you, which is totally normal! Every time you think about it, you still feel a very strong sense of grievance, which is a great sign that you're processing your emotions. From a psychological perspective, the emotion of "grievance" is often a combination of "anger and sadness." If you go for counseling, you will be assisted in exploring the combination of sadness and anger that makes you feel grievance. Those tears and anger hide the deep wounds in your heart, and they need to be seen and understood by yourself, which is an exciting step in your journey to healing!

In this way, you can learn to set healthy boundaries while also gaining true inner strength. You can then firmly protect yourself, no matter how close or far away you are!

You mentioned that one of the reasons you feel affection for your relatives and elders is because of your father's death, and you feel like you have regained a kind of paternal love. That's wonderful! Have you heard of the "five stages of grief"? The death of a loved one is a very great sorrow. If you don't allow yourself to grieve properly, you will experience a lot of behaviors over a long period of time that we don't understand ourselves. I'm not sure if your emotional investment in your relatives is related to the mourning process. You can try to re-examine whether you have allowed yourself to complete mourning for the death of your father. If necessary, you can find a counselor you trust to accompany you in dealing with the pain brought by the death of your loved one.

You can do it! Way to go!

Hello,

From what you've said, it's clear that you've had a rough time because the job was found through a relative. It seems like this job is taking over your life, and because it's a relative, we're bound to have some expectations of each other and a desire for more. We want the other person to keep helping us, so we put in a lot of hard work and expect the other person to help. This is totally normal. After all, we trust each other and hope that the other person can give us more.

It's also clear you've put in a lot of hard work in this job and feel the other person is controlling you. I think you feel this way because you don't have the ability to think independently and set your own boundaries and principles. If we're too nice or wrapped up in others too much, without our own boundaries, we'll likely be mentally controlled by others. You've distanced yourself from this family, and I think this is a mentality that doesn't want us to be hurt again, which I understand.

Here's how to solve it:

[1] Be aware of what you need to work on to improve.

You can also see those parts of yourself that you were hurt in the past, which shows that we have the potential to grow. You can look at why you behaved in a certain way in the past, or what you were thinking at the time, and think about how you should think now, or what changes and growth you need to make.

[2] Stick to your own principles and boundaries.

When a job is introduced by a relative, there are often some unclear psychological boundaries. Because of the relatives involved, as well as some things at work, there may be some overlap between work and personal life, which can lead to complications. Therefore, there will be more or less unclear and ambiguous boundaries at work. For example, whether your overtime behavior is correspondingly paid, we need to talk to the boss about this, and whether the boss was introduced by a relative or not, we need to make sure we're all on the same page. We need to stick to our own principles and boundaries when getting along with anyone, which will greatly reduce many problems and conflicts.

[3] Build up your inner strength and learn to heal your inner self.

You also realize that the other person has caused you some harm. If you're unable to adjust to this, you can seek help from a professional counselor. You can also see the wounds within yourself, the strength that growth brings, learn to make yourself strong, bravely improve yourself, see your inner child, and learn to comfort it.

[4] Figure out what's behind those unreasonable expectations.

Maybe we have these unreasonable expectations of others because we didn't get the love we deserved from our dads. We need that love, but let's face it, parents can't always give it. The basic existence between people is an unconditional exchange of value and time, which basically doesn't exist. So let's think about whether we still have those unreasonable expectations, or whether we can rationally face and adjust to our current state, learn to heal ourselves, and grow up.

This is just my two cents, but I hope it helps.

Good morning, Thank you for your question. Best regards,

I have given your issue due consideration and am aware of the sadness and injustice you are experiencing.

Best regards,

Furthermore, I would like to commend you for taking the crucial first step towards self-healing by posing this question and discussing this issue that has been troubling you.

I would be pleased to assist you in this matter. I hope you will find my input both comforting and inspiring.

1. Identifying the source of distress and allowing emotions to flow is an essential step in the healing process.

It is not uncommon to assume that past events are no longer relevant.

If the event is still remembered and feelings of indignation, injustice, or trauma are still present, it is a reminder that attention must be paid and the wound must be healed.

Sometimes, the wounds are not visible to others, but we are aware of their existence. They are our unresolved issues, and they can still impact us today.

The most beneficial course of action would be to take a comprehensive look at the situation, acknowledge our emotions, and recognize that we have not yet reached a resolution.

It is preferable to acknowledge the situation rather than pretending it does not exist.

It would be beneficial to embrace the vulnerable aspects of your personality from those years.

At that time, you were in a state of mind where you had just lost your father, and this distant relative had indeed helped you find a job, so you would have projected more emotions on him.

This is not your responsibility.

Rather, it was a crucial support that the distressed self acted upon promptly.

Therefore, do not place undue blame on yourself.

It is important to recognise that everyone is vulnerable at times.

When dealing with individuals who have high expectations, it is inevitable that we will experience a certain degree of loss.

It is possible to be deceived.

Our decisions are based on emotional responses rather than logical reasoning.

There is undoubtedly a component of negligence on our part.

This is a vulnerability that we all share.

When presented with an individual who has provided assistance or appears to be benevolent, we tend to display our most vulnerable and sensitive aspects.

At that juncture, you had already made the optimal decision.

It is not feasible to expect that our current self will mirror our self from that time.

In the context of relationships, work, the lack of a father figure, and our own helplessness, it is unavoidable that our judgment will be compromised when faced with an individual who appears powerful and may be able to provide assistance.

To gain insight into our actions at that time, it is essential to recognize the underlying emotional state of helplessness and the need for love, care, and support. By doing so, we can facilitate the healing process.

2. Accept the situation and consider writing as a form of therapy.

The more we can identify our own challenges and listen to our inner voice, the more we can avoid self-defeating behaviors and negative emotions.

The past does, in fact, have a bearing on your current situation.

It is advisable to accept the pain rather than attempting to fight it.

Affirm to yourself, "I was hurt at the time."

These feelings may include hurt, being used, or even a sense of naivety or inadequacy.

It is important to allow yourself to experience painful emotions. When we are kind to ourselves, we can become aware of our emotions and work through them.

As Byron Katie often states, "The source of pain is not the problem itself, but our thoughts about the problem."

I also recommend the book This Turning of the Mind.

Context:

It would be beneficial to take another look at what happened in the past.

To facilitate change, it is essential to embrace self-acceptance and address any negative self-perceptions.

Additionally, you may wish to consider expressive writing, which involves simply writing whatever comes to mind.

Allowing the written word to flow freely is an effective method for nourishing and healing oneself.

Expressive writing can provide a perspective on self-examination.

This will provide a broader perspective and enhance cognitive abilities.

We can begin by addressing the individual directly with a salutation such as "Dear (name)," and then expressing our observations about the challenges they have faced over time. We can then move on to describe the images that trouble us and what we want to say to ourselves.

We encourage you to give this approach a try.

As a result, we will gradually gain the resilience to more effectively manage the impact of this incident on ourselves.

3. All experiences contribute to our personal growth.

It is important to recognise that setbacks and hurt are an inherent part of the growth process.

To achieve healing and reconciliation with the past, it is essential to implement the aforementioned strategies and persevere in the process.

Each setback offers an opportunity to learn and grow.

You may wish to consider what you have gained from this experience.

For example, we should no longer readily extend trust to others. We should not continually retreat from our established positions or attempt to satisfy the expectations of others at our own expense. Do we need to be willing to disappoint others? We must maintain clear boundaries.

Thank you for your attention.

Please disseminate this information.

My name is Yi Ming, and I am a heart exploration coach.

Should you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me directly so that we can discuss them further.

Best regards,

Hello! I really hope my answer can be of some help to you.

After reading your description carefully, I think that during your period of suffering, you more or less projected your expectations and longing for your father onto your husband's distant relative. But he is not your father, and he certainly will not treat you like a real father would. This is only natural, don't you think? I also believe that he truly recognizes you and truly wants to help you. He also sincerely refers to you as "this daughter." However, he is also an ordinary person with his own needs and limitations. He also hopes that you can satisfy some of his needs, which is a great opportunity for you to learn about yourself and what you need!

You can try stepping back and looking at the matter from a third-party perspective. It's a great idea to try to understand why you feel controlled when he asks you to talk to his daughter. It'll be really interesting to see if this feeling is similar to what happened when you were a child!

Do you have any brothers or sisters? It would be great to know if we also feel uncomfortable when our father shows more concern for other siblings!

...

When you can look at yourself from an objective point of view, you'll be amazed at how you can avoid getting caught up in your emotions! You'll also be able to see the "truth" of the whole thing more clearly, the reason that triggered your emotions, and what your needs are. And when you see what your needs are, you'll be excited to explore whether this need can be met by the other person!

Are your expectations reasonable? If the other person cannot meet them, that just means there's an opportunity for you to find a more reasonable way to satisfy your needs!

I've got some great advice for you!

It's time to let it all out! Express your inner feelings and emotions in a reasonable way and release that pent-up energy.

You said that you couldn't tell anyone about this, but you've really been very brave to be able to talk about it here. In fact, it's so important to express and release our inner emotions and feelings. If we suppress them for too long, they can cause harm to us. Not only do they block our attention, making us prone to mood swings, but they can also make us prone to outbursts when we are reminded of the relevant events. So, it's great that you've come here to talk about it!

It's time to let it all out! Express and release your emotions in a way that feels good to you. Let your feelings flow and watch your inner being return to harmony. You can do this by writing. Just let your thoughts and feelings flow onto paper. Don't worry about neatness or beautiful words. Just let it all out! When you're done, you can even tear it up and throw it away. Or, if you want to share it, you can find someone to talk to. Look for someone who will understand and support you. Not someone who will doubt you or negate your feelings. If you can't find that person, you can always pour out your heart to the sea or sky. You can also chat with groups or on our platform. You can even seek help from listening practitioners, counselors, and heart exploration coaches.

2. If you can, it's a great idea to have a heart-to-heart with the other person. Use non-violent communication to share your feelings and needs, as well as your requests.

The great news is that if you can have a sincere exchange with the other person, the effect will also be very good. All you need to do is remember that the other person is not your enemy. They are your ally in this process. So, don't criticize or accuse them. Otherwise, they will activate their defense mode and you will not achieve effective communication.

Then, we can choose a better opportunity, when everyone is more relaxed and happy, to express your true feelings and needs: "So-and-so, I am very grateful for your help to me all along. The other day, I worked overtime until 10 o'clock, and you told me that I had to talk to your daughter. In fact, I felt very aggrieved and uncomfortable. Maybe I was tired and didn't have much energy to talk, but I cared about your opinion of me, so I was very torn. I really need your understanding and respect for me. In the future, when you need my help, can you also stand in my shoes and feel if I can do it?

"

Absolutely! You can also listen to the other person's side of the story. Maybe he was just anxious about his daughter and didn't know that you were working overtime that day and were so tired. This way, you can clear up any misunderstandings and gain a better understanding of each other. It can also help you to better guard your boundaries. When you feel uncomfortable in a relationship, you can express it in this way. It may not necessarily solve the problem, but you will feel so much better in your heart if you can say your true feelings and needs to the other person face-to-face!

3. It's time to grieve and heal, say a proper goodbye to your father, and learn to be your own inner parent!

I know your father's departure must have caused you a lot of pain, but I'm here to help! I'm going to give you a big hug to help you feel a little warmth. I know the pain of losing a loved one. My own grandfather passed away nine years ago, and I still miss him very much. I often project my thoughts about him onto other people, but I'm going to help you to stop doing that!

Later, a senior in my family told me something that really helped me. She said that if we don't go through grief recovery, this kind of "tethering" to our grandfather will affect our emotions. She recommended that I write a farewell letter to my grandfather. In the letter, I can express all kinds of emotions towards my grandfather, write down my true feelings, and end it by saying to him, "Dear grandfather, goodbye, I will live a good life with your love and strength, I wish you well, and I hope you can bless us too." You can burn this letter at the grave site, so that you can have a ritualized and thorough farewell, and in fact, also release your grief. It's a great way to say goodbye!

On a positive note, we have the opportunity to accept the fact that our father has left. There is only one father in the world, and since he has left, there can be no other father. However, we can learn to be our own inner parents and learn to empower ourselves in the way we want to be empowered by our father.

Even though my father has left, the love and strength he gave us are still there! Embrace the warmth, strength, and love, and when you feel helpless and negative, learn to encourage and comfort yourself in my father's voice. If you need your father's approval, learn to approve of yourself; if you need your father's support, learn to support yourself; if you need your father's care, learn to care for yourself...

Once you can turn inward and find satisfaction in these needs, you'll naturally want to take care of yourself. When you have no expectations of him, you'll also realize you don't need to satisfy his unreasonable demands.

I hope this is helpful for you! Wishing you all the best!

Hello, host!

The husband of the original poster is a distant relative who once helped you find a job, and you have always been grateful to him. Coupled with the accidental death of your father, you even feel a sense of fatherhood towards that relative. But then you discovered that that relative was only hoping to find out about his own daughter's life, emotions, and work situation through you.

It makes you feel lost and disappointed. This person knows they've gone too far and doesn't dare come to you again. When they do meet, they dare not say more than a few words to us.

Given the limited information, let's analyze it together.

First, he introduced you to a job, which was probably many years ago, and we are very grateful. Later, he asked you to understand and help his daughter. It's clear he treats you like his own child.

If he had two daughters and wanted one to help the other, would he also ask her to go and talk to the other daughter at 10 pm? Of course not. If you are treated like an outsider, you will feel awkward and be embarrassed to ask.

He treated you like a daughter.

You feel uncomfortable because you are not her daughter after all. You expect him to treat you like his daughter and love and protect you like a father. You feel that you are not his biological daughter and that it is already too late for you to care about his daughter. You feel that he is treating his daughter better than you and that you are jealous. Is this the case?

You said that you unconsciously tried to please the family, repeatedly backing down from your bottom line. You did this with a grinding of your teeth to help her daughter find love. Then you broke off relations with the family. I don't understand some of the information here. Why did you do it with a grinding of your teeth to help her daughter find love and facilitate a marriage? It's a beautiful thing to do. Even if it's not returning a favor, it's also a virtuous deed. If you can also return the favor, that's even better. Why would the original poster be so miserable and then have to sever ties with the other party?

The hostess still wants to count her good deed as repaying a favor. She hopes the other person will treat her like their own daughter, but she is also afraid. She dares not face reality, so she counts all her actions as repaying a favor.

This is the best way to rationalize things and feel more comfortable.

The original poster stated, "This person knows they were too much before and didn't have the courage to come find us again. When they had to meet, they didn't have the nerve to say more than a few words to us."

I can't comment on the specifics, but I can tell you this: the other person knows about the problem and feels guilty, so they're avoiding contact with you.

From my perspective, it's clear that both you and the other person have helped each other, and you can be very close. It seems like the original poster expected a lot and the other person didn't understand what was expected of them, which led to problems in the relationship. This is the real reason the original poster is so torn. I have a few suggestions for the original poster:

1. The job introduction is a one-off thing, so be grateful. Don't feel burdened. Your future with the company depends on your performance. You won't be there forever because of him. Thank him for the opportunity and recognize that your achievements are your own. Ultimately, it's up to you. You have a background of studying abroad with two master's degrees, and he's honored to introduce you.

You weren't capable, so he introduced you. The other company was stupid enough to hire you.

2. Many people are just passing through. If you can't get past the things you say, and you've already broken off contact, then break it off. If you can't meet, don't meet. As mentioned above, the job introduction is in the past, the favors have been returned, and everyone should just let go and not owe each other anything. The host should also stop obsessing over the favors that can't be repaid and accept that they've been repaid.

3. If the host can't get over it, they should sit down and communicate with the other person. I believe your relationship has potential. The host is attached to the other person, and the other person is nice to the host. There have been misunderstandings and differences, but they can be resolved. Give each other chances, talk it out, and it will become clear that it was all just a misunderstanding.

You have two options: forget about it or face it head-on. There's no guessing. You have to decide what kind of relationship you want with the other person. Do you want to never see each other again, or do you want to interact like friends or family? Both are possible, but you have to follow your heart.

I am confident this will be helpful. Best wishes!

It should be noted that the previous character limit has resulted in some incomplete information.

I have a close relationship with my father, but a more average relationship with my mother. My mother is accustomed to me prioritizing her needs and rarely considers my feelings and needs. Previously, my father was a significant source of care and support for me. Following his passing, I experienced feelings of loneliness and panic due to a perceived lack of emotional sustenance. Initially, the aforementioned relative demonstrated the affectionate and protective demeanor commonly associated with a father figure, which seemed to offer a much-needed sense of stability. I promptly recognized the potential of this connection.

Subsequently, I discovered that he was markedly materialistic and calculating, as were his entire family. He only engaged in activities if they were financially advantageous, and he was highly controlling. Initially, he was polite, but then he began issuing directives and berating us via telephone, in a manner similar to how he treated his subordinates at work.

He was indifferent to the means by which he achieved his objectives and demonstrated a lack of regard for conventional standards of propriety, integrity, and moral restraint.

Subsequently, he began to express the opinion that, given my assistance to you, you should reciprocate by working hard for me. He demanded a return.

Furthermore, he disseminated the information among his relatives that he had provided assistance with my work, thereby exerting undue influence.

This was a stark contrast to my personal values, and it was a source of considerable distress. After learning about these developments or engaging in them myself, I experienced a profound sense of unease. However, at that juncture, given his assistance, I did not immediately voice my objections and refuse to allow him further encroachment into my personal space.

He was compelled to maintain a considerable distance between them.

His daughter's marriage was a means of acquiring a prominent in-law figure. The man's father could potentially offer significant assistance to his daughter's professional endeavors, and he was keen on pursuing this opportunity. He requested the man's assistance in advancing his daughter's career shortly after their initial encounter. However, the man's condition for providing this assistance was that they must eventually marry.

The two individuals were not particularly attracted to each other, their personalities did not align, and they resided in different cities. However, both sets of parents were indifferent to these factors and insisted on their marriage. Confronted with their genuine feelings and their parents' demands, the two young people reluctantly initiated a challenging long-distance relationship. It is not difficult to envision how this relationship evolved.

He believes that marriage is the optimal outcome and has requested assistance in facilitating a match. He has even asked my husband to record conversations with the other individual to inform future responses.

During this period, I was instructed to facilitate a match between my husband and other individuals, regardless of the circumstances, convenience, or other commitments we might have had. The initial objective was to foster romantic relationships, and it was expected that I would be available at all times.

My entire worldview has been irrevocably altered. To illustrate the extent of this shift, consider the following example: he requested that we persuade his daughter to take the initiative to get married as soon as possible. I categorically refused. I have never witnessed such a disregard for one's daughter's feelings. Marriage is traditionally seen as a highly emotional event, yet this individual's approach was purely calculative.

If our approaches to this situation differ, it will be impossible for us to work together. The aforementioned incident has depleted my reservoir of goodwill and affection. After the other individual proposed for the first time, I was uncertain as to whether he was being sincere or merely going through the motions. Consequently, I terminated all contact with them and did not concern myself with subsequent developments.

Now that I have articulated these thoughts in writing, I feel a renewed sense of exhaustion.

Nevertheless, an analysis of the opinions expressed above leads to the conclusion that the indignation experienced may be a result of the perception of bias.

This presents a significant challenge in navigating the complexities of this relationship. On the one hand, there is an expectation of paternal guidance and support. However, when certain boundaries are crossed, there is a sense of being treated as an independent individual with autonomy.

This is a rather contradictory situation.

Nevertheless, I am grateful to you all for devoting your time and energy to assisting me in analysing this situation, for providing me with a variety of perspectives, and for offering me a sense of relief. I am truly appreciative of your assistance.

I'm unclear on what you mean by "cheating." In your narrative, you say he introduced you to a job, called you "this daughter," tried to control you, and used you to find out about your biological daughter. Are you saying he didn't act like a father?

You seem disappointed and angry because you think he cares more about his daughter than you do.

If this is the case and there is nothing else more "excessive," it seems to be a story about a father's partiality. The neglected party feels sad and disappointed and ultimately chooses to distance themselves from the relationship. I still feel indignant when I think about it. You call her "daughter," so why do you favor one over the other?

It's time to stop lying and start telling the truth. All these lies were only told because he thought you were his daughter. This makes me even angrier and more resentful, and it proves he doesn't consider you his daughter. This obviously shatters your expectations and hopes of him treating you like a daughter, and it makes you feel even more miserable.

You may feel and judge this way, but is there a possibility that he values his biological daughter more (which is only natural) and also genuinely recognizes and helps you? Is it also an expression of affection to call your daughter by her name?

It is only when expectations are met with a significant discrepancy, and the other person's performance falls short of your expectations, and they are not the kind of person you want your father to be, that your resentment is likely a result of the gap or your feelings. It is not that the other person has done anything that actually damages or hurts you.

You can confirm it yourself and find out what exactly your "indignation" is about.

If he has only been an elder who has helped you and loved you, there is no reason to be disappointed or angry. It is better to say that you did not expect "faulty warmth" from a "father" than to say that you had wrong expectations of a "father" who "made mistakes."

He is not your father, and you are not his daughter. You broke off your relationship because it was the right thing to do. It is not uncommon for the world to have biased and excessive parents, and there is also disappointment and resentment. However, it is rare to simply and easily break off a relationship as you did because you are not really "father and daughter."

If you're not really his daughter, why would you expect him to be a real father? And why would you expect a father to be perfect?

Expect warmth. You were close, and he made you feel like a daughter. There was also fatherly warmth. Expect that. You do expect that. If you hadn't broken off contact, he might be willing to continue to be like that.

He's not cheating and he doesn't have ulterior motives. He loves and approves of you.

There is no reason to go to such lengths to control or manipulate you. There are many simple and easy ways to do so.

Denial and characterization are easy. So are simple calculations of favors and debts. If he's not what you think he is, he "dares not" talk to you. He might also "not want to talk" because of disappointment and anger.

A good idea is based on objective responses to facts. This means you need to be careful when judging or characterizing, especially when it comes to people close to you. If you make a wrong judgment because of your feelings and emotions, it's a sad and regrettable mistake. There are better ways to handle things than attacking each other.

I wish you happiness.

Hello. I am the place of peace.

Frankly, the information I have gathered from your description is insufficient. For instance, you stated that you made a poor choice. What precisely do you mean by that?

Tell me, did you accept help from your boyfriend's relatives during the relationship? Did you develop empathy for him because of his father's death and project your expectations and admiration for your father onto him?

Or was he controlling you by prying into his own daughter's life, emotions, and work situation?

Tell me what kind of attitude or behavior on his part made you project your expectations of a father onto him.

You said he discovered your weakness and wanted to exploit it to control you. What is your weakness?

He has to find out about his daughter through you for a reason. What is it?

Tell me, did he try to control you in other ways besides finding out about his daughter? If so, I want to know what they were.

Tell me, what were your thoughts and attitude when you sensed that he was trying to control you? And how did you respond?

You said you were deceived. Did you mean a relative? I'd like to know why you used the word "deceived."

He didn't treat you like a daughter, is that it?

From the description, it is clear that the sadness and disappointment during this period are difficult to express in words. It is evident that this incident has brought you a profound and negative experience.

I'd like to know what your initial expectations of the other person were. Did you expect him to completely replace the role of your late father, or did you have more expectations?

You said, "After all, my husband helped me during our relationship, so I feel a bit guilty about what happened." I must admit that I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that.

Lovers in a relationship help each other. You're married, so why would you feel like you're in the wrong?

You said you couldn't tell anyone because it was "too personal." What do you mean by that?

I need to know if "anyone" includes your husband, parents, or closest friends.

Tell me, what are your concerns? And what consequences do you think there will be if you tell?

From the description, it's unclear what you mean by "the hurt that still haunts you to this day."

I'd like to know how long this lasted, how much of an impact it had on your work and life, and what you did to move on.

I need to know if this is going to continue. Have you tried any effective ways to deal with it?

You have a double master's degree and a background of studying abroad, and you recognize your own abilities. It should be easy for you to change jobs. What is the reason for not changing jobs?

I apologize for the limited information provided in the text, so I have asked a lot of questions. If my questions make you feel uncomfortable, I expect you to tell me.

You will find the answer when you calm down, think deeply, and ask the right questions.

You've got this.

Hello, From what you've shared, it seems like you're facing some challenges in your relationship with someone who has been helpful to you but may also be exerting a controlling influence. Would you be open to me offering an analysis of the situation?

Adler posits that human troubles often originate from interpersonal relationships. Similarly, it could be argued that human happiness is also shaped by these relationships.

I believe that your uncle was a great source of support to you when your father passed away and you were facing challenges in your job search after graduating from college. Not only did he provide invaluable assistance in your search for employment, but he also offered a sense of stability and strength during the difficult period following your husband's passing. It's not easy to find people who are willing to help others in need and provide guidance during difficult times. I think that your admiration for your uncle was genuine at the time, and it's admirable to see such a strong bond between family members.

I'm writing to you today because I sense that your friend may be in need of your help once again. It seems that he is seeking to exert control over you, asking you to speak with his daughter even when it is your bedtime. I'm guessing you're a teacher? Is his daughter one of your students or someone you can help? If so, I believe this could be a sign of his trust in you and a request between friends. It's just that because you've had dealings in the past and have been kind to him, he probably feels like he can ask you for help without worrying about your feelings.

You are a very capable person, and you can find a job on your own. It's just that at that time, your boyfriend was trying to help you by finding someone to help you ease your pain after your father's death. But this elder also declined, and he did his best to help you. You know this, and you are grateful. But then you felt a little uncomfortable because you felt like you were being controlled. You didn't know what to do. You want to be grateful, but you also want to have your own boundaries. In fact, there are many ways to express gratitude. If you feel uncomfortable, you can express it tactfully. You don't have to use gratitude to hold yourself hostage. For example, if it's late, you can say, "It's too late today, but I'll talk to her tomorrow, okay?" This way, you can express that you can help, and you can also make the other person understand your feelings. In this way, he may also become aware of his inappropriate request.

There are skills to be learned in interpersonal interactions. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, it is important to first ensure your own comfort and then strive to bring joy to the other person. This approach can foster a virtuous cycle within the relationship. If either party is experiencing discomfort, it may be challenging to maintain the relationship. I believe you also hope for a happy and fulfilling relationship, right?

Hello! I'm an old, skinny donkey!

You seem like a good person!

I can't judge or give advice because you didn't describe his weaknesses.

You can look at this from a different point of view.

He has made your days brighter and made you feel loved. Think about the good things. It can make people feel relaxed and happy.

You feel he has an agenda. Think about whether he told you his goal after you started working here or if he asked you to help over time. Is this relative usually calculating or just practical?

You can evaluate it again.

If he's calculating, find an excuse or get a new job. You can only live and work better if you're happy. If you want to grow, you can only hold out for a while, but you can't hold out forever. You can fully communicate with your boyfriend when making a decision. Don't tell him your secrets, but try to make him understand as much as possible. His support will make your decision go more smoothly.

If it's not about calculation, but you're still uncomfortable, it may be that he cares too much about his daughter and his approach is not appropriate. Talk to him and suggest a more appropriate way of communicating. This way, everyone can be happy. Also, ask his daughter to care more about her father. This might improve the situation.

Most problems are caused by a lack of communication. I thought this made things worse. Try talking when you have problems so you can understand each other better.

If he used you wrong, let go slowly. Pain weakens you. Try to let go of the past and welcome happiness. I was once trapped in pain, but I let go and faced a new self.

Every path you take in life is useful. This saying has helped me a lot, and I hope it helps you too!

From your description, I can discern your pain, self-blame, and remorse. However, you are unable to express them, which has caused internal conflict and a sense of being torn between self-blame, remorse, and helplessness.

As a psychotherapist, I would like to share my understanding from a psychological perspective.

When you felt helpless, your work was unstable, and your father passed away. At this critical juncture, you met your husband, who introduced you to a stable job. In the pain of losing your father, you projected your emotions onto your uncle, relieving your grief. At that time, you should have been very grateful.

As you mature, you will realize that no one can replace a father's love. You will find it uncomfortable to interact with this uncle, who is an idealized object. He has his own daughter, loves her dearly, and will ask you to help her. You may even feel used, as though he is using you to understand his daughter's emotional life more. This is your projection. There is a lot of jealousy involved. When an idealized object is no longer in the relationship, you feel hurt. At this time, you also activate a defense mechanism of dissociation. He is not that good, and he is even cheating on your emotions, which also causes you harm. All of this cannot be expressed, and you use repression because you cannot feel safe and cannot express your feelings clearly.

How do you plan to address your repressed emotions? First, you should seek the guidance of a professional psychotherapist in a secure and supportive counseling setting. This will provide a more open environment for expression, as well as interpretation and clarification of the issues you have outlined.

This will assist in integrating subjective judgments with objective reality, as well as in resolving repressed emotions.

Secondly, it is important to learn to express your feelings, whether to your husband or uncle. If you feel tired, unhappy at work, or emotional, you should express it. What you shared on the platform today is just a small part of it. I can sense that you still have a lot of pent-up emotions. You always deal with things in a positive way and rarely express your inner emotional needs, which makes you feel tired and suffocated.

Third, be aware of yourself, act in accordance with your own desires, demonstrate consideration for the feelings of others, and communicate your refusal when you are tired or uncomfortable. This is an essential aspect of self-expression, including this aspect of the experience that you regret, and you can also reflect on it and decline to end this uncomfortable experience.

It is important to avoid allowing external factors to influence our self-evaluation.

Finally, I would like to extend my support and encouragement. Today, your expression is also a form of release and growth. By confronting challenges and finding solutions, and by embracing your imperfections, you have demonstrated admirable motivation. The world and I admire you, and it is important to learn to love yourself, be courageous in expressing yourself, address issues directly, and seek assistance when needed. This is also a way of accepting yourself. I am here to support you in my professional capacity.

Hello! I'm June!

He helped me find a job through a relative, and I was so grateful! But then I discovered that the relative had selfish motives, which shocked me. In the questioner's description, I feel a strong conflict and a mixed feeling, which makes the story even more intriguing!

While we were still in love, my husband found a distant relative of his, a man in his 50s, who helped me find a job. Before that, I had found all my own jobs. I had a master's degree in two subjects and studied abroad, so I still had some recognition of my abilities. I was very grateful to that relative! At the time, my father had been diagnosed with a terminal illness unexpectedly, and he passed away six months later. In the midst of my pain, I projected my expectations and admiration for my father onto that relative to some extent.

At the same time, he was really hoping that he could continue to get his help in the future, which was pretty selfish of him.

From the description in the text, it's clear you have a master's degree and a background of studying abroad. You could have found a great job without going through this relative! There are three reasons why you asked him to help you find a job:

1. Projecting your fatherly feelings onto him is a great way to show your affection!

2. You're in a relationship with your husband, so you want to make sure you don't hurt his feelings.

3. The job that your relative helped you find is one that you approve of, and you may even need his help for future developments!

At first, I was thrilled to think that my relative really did approve of me and wanted to help me, as usual addressing me as "this daughter." But after a long time, I realized that this was just a psychological tactic he was using. He had discovered my weak point and wanted to use it to control me. He used me to pry into his own daughter's life, emotions, and work situation, for example, asking me to talk to his daughter when I was working overtime until 10 o'clock.

He treats you like a daughter, which is wonderful! It's only natural for the eldest daughter to talk to the youngest. You think of "psychological tactics" and "control," but I see it as a positive thing.

Oh, I'm so sorry! Has something happened that makes you feel uncomfortable?

For example, you are working overtime until 10 o'clock. You feel tired and want to rest, which is totally understandable!

But the relative is insistent that you talk to his daughter. You feel that you can't refuse because if you do, you'll seem "heartless" and "unappreciative."

You feel like you're being "morally blackmailed," don't you?

I'm so excited to hear more about why you feel like these things are "hard to express"! Is it because you feel like if you tell your husband, he'll think you're making a big deal out of nothing?

Human emotions don't lie! If you feel uncomfortable, it's real and deserves to be understood and accepted.

However, I don't think this relative would insist on you chatting with his daughter if he knew you were tired. After all, he can't empathize with your tiredness!

And the reason why he asked you to chat with his daughter should be that he trusts you. He appreciates your abilities and is really excited for you to have a positive influence on his daughter!

I think your disappointment in this relative shows that you really consider him your father. When he doesn't understand you enough, you feel aggrieved. If you really don't have the energy to deal with this at the time, try to be tactful. For example, you could say, "I understand that he's worried about his sister, but it's late and talking to her now probably won't have a good effect."

You decide to think about it and find a great strategy before talking to your sister again!

I'm so excited to share this with you! It's just a reference, but I think you'll love it. Best regards!