After self-awakening, why is there confusion about feelings of love?

Hello stranger!

You have the amazing ability to deeply consider your relationship with those around you!

You try hard to make the people around you like you, and they do! But then you realize that this isn't the way you want others to like you.

Because you are valuable, and that's why people like you! But perhaps there is a voice inside you saying, "If I keep living like this, will these people still love me?"

And the moment your childhood experiences resurface, you'll have the answer!

You want the people around you to like the real you, not the current you. And that's a great thing! You are not the same person as you were then, so naturally, others' expectations of you cannot be met.

You are always comparing the present self with the past self, which is tantamount to repeatedly denying yourself that you don't deserve to be the present self, that you don't deserve to look so good. But guess what? You do! And you always have! So, let's embrace the amazing person you are today!

When you have this thought again, take hold of that former self and tell yourself, "I was excellent in the past, and I am even better now!" You've walked and realized every step on your own, so it's time to reconcile with the past, embrace it, and accept the self that is not divided, a unified and complete self!

The past self and the present self are both the absolute best of me!

I can see the confusion and distress in the questioner's heart. To save oneself, one must be self-aware. This includes self-perception, self-awareness, awakening, and enlightenment. The questioner is able to awaken, which is very difficult and precious. Well done to the questioner for awakening!

When a person wakes up, they start thinking, deciding what kind of life they want, paying attention to their emotions, and saying yes or no when faced with pressure. The OP has already done all of this, which is great!

But this doesn't mean the problem is solved. The questioner is distressed because he feels powerless and confused. He finds it hard to accept how his in-laws and wife's family treat him. He questions fighting against them alone, which has caused him pain.

Waking up is like opening your eyes in the morning. It's the connection between you and the outside world.

Enlightenment is knowing oneself. I know who I am, where I want to go, and what I want to do. I know what I want to do and what others want to do, and I know that I am both a part of a group and an individual.

The questioner doesn't like how his wife's family treats him. He doesn't know why or how they should treat him. This makes him "trapped" by their attitude. For the questioner's relatives, their attitude and way of treating him is based on their needs. It also contains their concern, care, and worry about him, as well as their own feelings.

Maybe they don't know what they want to do to the questioner. They just do it instinctively. The violent beating and change in attitude isn't because the questioner did something wrong or right. It's because the questioner didn't do what they expected, didn't accept their control, and didn't satisfy their needs.

The more capable the questioner is, the more incompetent they will feel. They want the questioner to "listen to them" even more, which is their need, not the questioner's. The questioner should recognize this. Instead of listening to them and accepting their opinions, the questioner has put themselves in opposition to them and is fighting against them.

There's another way to solve this problem. The questioner can disagree with and not accept their views and opinions. They can say what they want, and the questioner can stick to their own ideas. Everyone can have different views and opinions, but there's no need to argue about them. Even if there are different opinions and views, we can still live together in peace and harmony.

It is their choice if they don't accept the questioner's views. It is not the questioner's problem. The more stable and determined the questioner is, the more they will influence the other person. The other person will see that their views cannot change the questioner's mind. They will also see that the questioner is happy and at peace. This will make the other person feel at ease and stop trying to change or control the questioner.

If you want to solve the problem, you need to understand your own thoughts. Do you want to fight or live in peace? First, set a goal and work towards it. Don't worry about what they think or say. You will feel more relaxed and natural.

These are just my opinions.

Hello.

You mentioned that you were a bit of a wild child in primary school. I understand that you didn't study as hard as you could have, and as a result, your parents, sister, and brother all punished you.

When you started junior high, you started to think for yourself and your grades improved a lot. Your family started to treat you better.

Now you have a permanent job. When you turned 30,

And then you have another awakening. You start thinking about what you really want.

You might be thinking about exploring a path of your own and even imagining quitting your current job. This could lead to some intense conflicts with your family.

From what you've said, it seems like you think that if you do what your family and loved ones want, they'll love you.

If you do things your way, they won't love you. So you feel like you're being neglected, while the job is valued.

It seems like they don't love you as a person, not in a pure way. So you're feeling pretty heartbroken and confused.

You feel like your life has lost its meaning.

You've had two awakenings in your life. The first was in junior high, and the second is now. Each of these awakenings has overturned everything you had before.

The first time you rejected your playful side. The second time, you rejected your ordinary side, which follows the rules.

It's not that someone else has rejected you and stopped loving you. It's that you've stopped loving yourself and the person you once were when you were asleep, and then you project this onto others and think they don't love you.

From a cognitive psychology standpoint, your sudden awakening is a subjective cognitive inference. There are many complex reasons why a person is or is not loved by others.

Family members are related by blood, and lovers are related by marriage. It's all about relationships and love.

In traditional Chinese families, corporal punishment is still used as a form of discipline, even today.

For instance, if a child steals or beats up a classmate and then changes their behavior after being educated, then perhaps they don't need to be beaten.

If you don't change and there are no consequences, it'll be like you're encouraging the child to go down the wrong path. So, is beating a child a sign of love or a lack of love on the part of the parents?

This is something that really needs to be looked at on a case-by-case basis. It's important not to be paranoid and assume that beating a child means you don't love him.

I'm not directly involved, so maybe I can see something in this confusion that you can't.

You don't really know what your family is like at the moment because you've been caught up in it for so long. In the past, you idealised your family members too much, and that was pure love.

Now you're making things more extreme by saying your family doesn't love you. From an outsider's perspective, your family has always been there for you, and they show their love and care for you in the way they can according to their current abilities. Whether they love you or not is your idea and inference.

You have a good relationship with your family now, but you think they're using high expectations to control you and make you follow their path. You doubt the love.

When things get rocky in your relationship and conflicts arise, you might start to doubt that they truly love you. The truth is, they love you because they love who you are and what you do.

But these are all thoughts you've come to based on your own perspective. Whether it's good or bad, your reasoning is still biased towards the negative.

Take a step back and try to see things from your family's perspective. Ask yourself why they love you.

I believe they are all blood relatives and close relationships. It is because of the relationship that we are naturally loved.

Love also includes intimacy, control, responsibility, and commitment. Emotions can also change, from joy to annoyance, anxiety, and worry.

If your family members aren't concerned about whether you play or study, or whether you have a stable job or a stable source of income, then that's a sign that they don't love you. Your family members' emotions will fluctuate with your stability, safety, and happiness.

They want you to live in the same kind of life they have, which is limited by their level of understanding. They don't want you to take risks or go out on your own, and they worry that you might make mistakes.

Because of this, they've become more attentive and have started to correct you. It's because they've stepped in that they can show you they love you and value you, and that you're important to them.

The kind of pure love you're talking about is probably unconditional love. Our love is all conditional; unconditional love only exists in our infancy.

As adults living in society, we're bound by a lot of rules and can't expect unconditional love like we did as babies.

Apart from work, we have emotions. Our family members love us because they care about us, and work is just a supplement to that.

If we're cold and distant, if we're thousands of miles away from our family, or if we're constantly at odds, we'll never be able to receive that love. There's no such thing as pure love. Love itself is complicated, and adult love comes with added responsibility.

We also have to live our real lives, after all.

The ability to perceive love also affects whether or not you can receive it. Can you understand the way our family members and loved ones express their love, and can you receive and accept it?

This is also something we should think about. You can have a calm conversation with your family and loved ones, try to understand their perspective, and let them understand yours.

Maybe you express and receive things differently, which makes you feel a bit suspicious.

We all have our own value in life, and that's something we can all believe in. If you're feeling confused, you can also talk to a psychologist. They can see you more clearly and support you through this period of confusion.

The world is rooting for you, and you should root for yourself too.

I get it. Self-awakening is a wild ride. It makes us re-examine ourselves and the world around us. Sometimes it even makes us doubt what we used to believe in with all our hearts.

Your journey to adulthood hasn't been easy, but you've shown incredible resilience and courage in the face of challenges. Despite the difficulties you faced in childhood, they've shaped your unique personality and made you more aware of your values and goals.

The awakening in junior high school was a big turning point in your life. You started actively pursuing your dreams and striving to become a better version of yourself.

As you become more self-aware, you realize that your family's attitudes and behaviors toward you differ from what you expected. You feel confused and heartbroken because you've always believed they love you unconditionally, but now you realize this love is closely tied to your values.

This discovery makes you doubt love in a new way. You start to wonder if everyone is only being nice to you because of your job.

But what I want to tell you, dear questioner, is that love is not a simple concept. It encompasses a multitude of complex emotions such as understanding, respect, acceptance, and appreciation.

It's true that your family's attitude and behavior towards you may be influenced by your values, but that doesn't mean they don't love you. They may just express their love and care for you in their own way, which may not fully meet your expectations.

At the same time, we have to remember that everyone has their own values and expectations. Family members may value your stability and achievements more, while you may be more focused on inner freedom and satisfaction.

This difference doesn't mean who's right or wrong. It's just that everyone views the issue from a different perspective.

So, how should we handle this dilemma?

First, I suggest you try to have a good, deep conversation with your family. Pick a good time and place, and share your feelings and thoughts in a calm, honest way.

Let them know you're looking for their understanding and support, and that you want them to love you for who you are. At the same time, listen to what they have to say and try to understand their position and perspective.

Second, you might want to think about setting up your own support system. Find people who can understand and support you, and share your feelings and confusion with them.

These people can be friends, relatives, or professional counselors. Having them around will make you feel warmer and more comforted.

I'd also suggest finding a hobby or interest that makes you happy and content. These can help you find moments of peace and joy in your busy life, and they can also help you understand yourself better.

Finally, I just want to say that there's no need to rush to find an answer or make a decision. Self-awakening is a long and complex process that requires us to constantly explore, reflect, and grow.

In this process, we'll face various challenges and confusion. But as long as we stay confident and believe in our abilities, we'll find the answers and happiness we're looking for.

Dear questioner, I know this process may be tough, but I believe you have the courage and wisdom to face it. We'll always be here to support you, and I hope you can find inner peace and happiness.

I wish you the best and hope you find more and more freedom as you go along.

After reading your question, I feel compelled to clarify that your family's love for you is not contingent on your value, but rather on the reality, stability, and long-term nature of their affection. To put it frankly, they ultimately love you as a person. I understand that this may not align with your perspective, and that's okay. I invite you to continue reading, as I believe you will understand why I say this. I also have a lot to say on this issue, and I can truly empathize with the challenge you're facing. That's why I encourage you not to suffer in silence. I believe it would be helpful for you to gain clarity on two concepts: traditional thinking and autonomy.

It would seem that they value you, yet they are on the opposite side, not understanding you and disagreeing with you. This leads me to believe that they value your value, not you as a person.

I'm not sure that's entirely accurate.

Could I ask you to consider whether this is really what you want? Answer: You don't want this. You value emotional connections very highly.

This way of thinking may be due to a misunderstanding on both sides, between you and your family (whether it is your mother's family or your wife's family, they are collectively referred to as your family here).

You described a time when you were rebellious, when you insisted on doing the opposite of what your family wanted and thinking for yourself. You were not influenced by their discipline, and you were willful and playful, which sums up your rebellious time. I wonder if you ever felt truly happy during that time.

It is understandable that they are unhappy, with a sense of regret and longing for the beauty of family affection. After more than a year of reflection, you have worked hard to improve.

There are two points to consider. First, regardless of how many times you may have been disobedient, you recognize that your actions may have been misguided and that you need to make changes. Second, you also want to show your parents your good side, to let them know that you are not bad, that you are not naughty, and that your actions are a result of your own choices.

You may feel that your family loves you the most since you have achieved success in your academic career. This may be because they see you as upwardly mobile, positive, and developing in a good direction. They may also be gratified that you have grown up and become sensible.

It is a common desire among parents to see their daughters flourish and their sons become strong and successful. This is true in your family as well. Does this mean that parents in every family don't love their children?

Could it be that your motivation is simply the wealth and glory that comes with loving your children? Do you perhaps use your children as a tool to satisfy your own selfish desires?

I believe there are a few selfish parents who are perhaps not as attentive as they could be to their children's needs, but they are few and far between.

I believe most parents love their children. Do you agree?

It seems that your in-laws and your husband are on your mother's side in this matter, and you feel that they don't love you either. Perhaps love is your value. Could it be that whoever can join your camp is the one who loves you, and vice versa?

Do you think this is a hasty decision? It seems that your in-laws and your out-laws both hope that you will choose a stable and long-term path. They don't want you to make a decision without careful consideration, because the future is unpredictable, and the immediate path is not as clear as the long-term one. Is this not also a consideration for your long-term future and a worry for your loved ones that is preventing you?

Given your previous assertive behavior, your parents may be more sensitive to this issue. It's important to remember that they also want their children to have a happy and stable job and life.

You feel that your current life may not align with your aspirations. Everything you have done so far has been done step by step according to the wishes of your family. You feel that there may be room for greater self-awareness in this, and that your thoughts and actions may benefit from more autonomy. You want to change, but you are unsure of the best way forward because you feel that your ideas may not be fully supported. Your family members may have concerns about your ideas and worry that you may make different choices. You therefore feel somewhat constrained and oppressed, and increasingly feel that this is not what you want. Once this feeling becomes stronger and stronger, it is already engraved in your heart: I want to change. Despite some differences of opinion and years of distance, you don't want to compromise, but you also want your family members to support and understand you, to have family affection and the right to free choice.

It could be said that everyone has their own personality. Someone with a different personality might feel that this is very good, stable, and solid, and naturally they would not have these problems.

You not only pursue autonomy, but also want to live the life you want, with very different aspirations for your future. You can do without a regular job, which shows great courage and confidence in the future.

Perhaps it would be helpful to try to be a little more patient and open up to your family more. They just want you to lead a stable and contented life, so that they can feel at ease. You could try to allay their doubts and let them understand why you want to do this, so that they can also feel that you can be stable and contented, without any worries. With time, they may come to understand you and know that there is no obstacle to what you want to do. With understanding and support, your family will love you and hope that the path you choose is smooth and not full of potholes.

Every family faces different challenges, and even the happiest relationships experience occasional disagreements and difficulties. While these challenges may not necessarily impact our expectations for family happiness, it is my hope that you can soon find a way to resolve any misunderstandings with your family and create a happier environment for yourself.

Reading the description, I just have to think that if one day I feel that my family values my work more than me, there will be a deep sadness, and a sense of loneliness at being born into a crowd of familiar people. We are so close, my dearest family, and yet you do not understand my needs.

As an adult, I'll have to learn to express my needs clearly to my family and let them get to know me better. But after a lot of communication, I've realized that despite all my efforts, it seems like I'm still pulling in two different directions with my family.

From time to time, they'll try to get me to follow what they think is the right path.

This process is tough. If we go our own way, it can feel like we've left our family behind, or that they've left us. If we follow the path our family has laid out for us, it can feel like we're being forced and controlled, which isn't what I'm looking for.

It seems like no matter which path I choose, I'll still have to deal with some challenges.

Then we can try to change our perspective.

When we choose our own path, our parents and relatives may feel a sense of loss as they grow further away from us. But this is something we must face when we walk our own path. I'm happy to be free from constraints and to walk the path I want to take. Every moment of the air I breathe is free. The path may be lonely at times, but I will also meet people who are walking the same path. My family may not be able to accept it for a while, but I believe that after I persist for a period of time, they will understand.

When we choose to walk with our family, we can think this way: "There's no perfect choice in the world. I maintain harmony at home and I'm also in a stable environment. I give up my own needs and maintain the needs of the greater self, even though it may be a little less than perfect. This is the greatest contribution I can make. Even after making this choice, I can still develop my interests, do the things I like, and please myself more.

The idea of loving yourself and your family is always up for discussion. How you strike a balance depends on your attitude.

I am a heart exploration coach, Gu Daoxi Feng Shou Lu.

All freedom is a dance in shackles. When absolute freedom is achieved, one must also bear the cost of freedom.

The questioner should ask themselves who will benefit from their hard work and studies. They should also consider whether their parents, siblings, and other family members will be better off with their support.

This is the perspective you need to take to feel less conflicted.

We need to understand what her husband's perspective is. Is it because of family pressure or because he is worried that she will be cheated on?

You need to have a comprehensive development plan. Sorting things out will make it easier for the questioner and her husband to reach a consensus.

Understand the formula for happiness that ordinary people understand: a stable job, 9 to 5, a guaranteed income, and no risk. This will help the questioner understand why their loved ones oppose the idea. They may be afraid that if the questioner leaves their stable job, they will become unstable and work too hard.

Putting yourself in someone else's shoes is the best way to break out of your current thinking trap and see things from an outsider's perspective.

Once you've sorted out the external factors, you can think about why the questioner wants to break free.

You need to decide whether you want to break free from those who tell you what to do. And you need to think about your future development plan.

You must be clear about the risks you have to face and be willing to accept them. Once you have figured this out, you should communicate your plans to your family to reduce their anxiety.

Chinese parents all hope that their children will become successful and that their lives will be free of trouble. The questioner should try to feel how their parents cared for them when they were sick, hungry, or thirsty before they got good grades or a good job. If the answer is yes, the questioner will know that they can trust their family.

Read "A Change of Heart."

Best wishes!