Always stuck in the past and unable to extricate yourself, and always anxious about the future?

Hello! You ask, "I can't move on, and I'm always anxious."

I admire you for being aware of your emotions. Awareness is the first step to change. Let's look at your question together.

You say you're in your middle years, have a career others envy, but your relationships are barren. Since your ex-husband cheated on you seven years ago, you've been unable to trust him and chose to break up. You've never met the kind of relationship you want.

You've seen men be selfish, irresponsible, and arrogant. You've given your heart and wanted a simple relationship.

People who are considerate, respectful, and tolerant communicate and solve problems together. But every time you give your heart, you get a man who cheats and abandons you. You love children, but you are still alone.

You are an elderly mother-to-be who may no longer be able to bear children. You are anxious, wondering why it is so difficult to find someone who is sincere and treats you well.

After your ex-husband begged for forgiveness, you regretted giving up. Maybe you could have had a child and been an old lady boss. You've worked hard to help others, but you're not sure if he was returning or just promoting himself. Now you envy those with a warm family of three.

You are courageous.

I admire you for being so honest. Not every woman is brave enough to love and hate like you do. In fact, every woman in a relationship goes with her feelings. A woman in love is the happiest woman in the world.

As the relationship progresses, the woman becomes more involved, while the man often grows cold towards his lover. After marriage, a woman may choose to endure her husband's infidelity or deal with it herself.

People around her will try to help her do so. Men?

Some men are faithful, but as long as they support the family and treat their wives well, that's fine. Does this sound familiar?

Most women will forgive their men after they have heard this and have been coaxed. But there's a saying: "There are only two kinds of men: those who cheat once, and those who cheat countless times."

If you don't resolve the first infidelity, you'll have more hurtful experiences living with him. You did well, protecting yourself. Many women respect themselves and their hearts because of you.

It takes courage to make these choices.

People envy each other.

You envy us with a family of three, but our lives are sometimes messy too. My husband and I have been together for many years.

People think we're a happy family of three, but things can get messy at home. When I'm busy, I want him to help with the housework more, but he sometimes helps and sometimes resists.

Sometimes I envy singles like you. Being in a family like this can sometimes be very depressing. We also do things like you said: the three of us go out, go for walks, and play games.

You made the right choice. No matter what, there is no right or wrong. It is just a different way of life.

Develop your interests.

Since you have a successful career, you have the financial support you need. Try to discover your talents and interests. You have time to focus on developing your interests. You might have a promising future in your field.

When you find your passion, you can feel happy and blissful. This is a higher form of happiness and bliss, a happiness and bliss of self-realization. Psychology says: "Everyone has the need for self-realization, but not everyone has the opportunity to achieve it."

You don't have a family, so you have more time, energy, and space to realize yourself.

I hope my answer helps! The world and I love you!

Hello, question asker! I'd like to give you a warm hug and say that everything is possible! While you envy someone else's family of three, that family of three may be stuck with a mess of chicken feathers, envying your successful career and carefree life. For example, at this moment, I'm looking at you across the screen. I have two children and am in my middle years. Although I'm far away from shit, urine and farts, I yearn for an escape from my life every now and then. My children are rebellious in their adolescence, and I've been a failure for half of my life. There's no longer a mother to take care of me, three meals a day, and a fixed routine. The outside world is so exciting and attractive!

[Social clocks don't have to be uniform!]

The social clock is an amazing sociological concept that helps us understand the psychological clock of major milestones in an individual's life. It reflects the sociocultural expectations of individuals, including what they should do at what stage, such as schooling, marriage, and work. Its essence is an important part of the social evaluation system.

The growth of an individual's life is shaped by the social clock, which is formed in a specific cultural context. Adapting to the social clock is an important way for individuals to achieve socialization, integrate into society, find a sense of identity and personal meaning. At the same time, society also uses the evaluation system constructed by the social clock to regulate individual behavior and thinking, influence their values, pass on social culture, ensure the smooth progress of social production and reproduction, maintain the authority of social norms, and maintain the rationality of society.

It's so important to be in sync with the social clock! When we're out of step, we often face questioning from society, including from parents, peers, friends, etc. This can generate anxiety, but it's also an opportunity to reflect on our lives and make changes that will make us feel happy and fulfilled.

[Do you feel that you are in your middle years, alone, without children, and have you fallen into this anxiety of being "disconnected" from society?]

Surveys show that young Chinese people are embracing their inner views and making their voices heard. They're taking control of their lives, breaking free from traditional social norms, and forging their own paths. This is evident in the growing number of delayed marriages and family lives, the evolving concept of childbirth, and the rise in individuals pursuing diverse lifestyles. It's an exciting time for personal growth and self-expression!

The change in the social clock reflects the fantastic interaction between individual self-awareness and social culture. The social clock originates from social culture based on group consensus, and when the social environment changes, social culture is reshaped, and individual awareness is further stimulated. This inevitably leads to an exciting reshaping of the social clock!

As Professor Gordon Mathews, Director of Anthropology at the Chinese University of Hong Kong, said, "Social culture shapes people's thoughts and behaviors. Individuals in modern society have the freedom to choose, to live a life that suits them and that they are happy with. The mechanisms and conditions for doing so are now in place."

It's the little things in life that matter most!

The social clock is a fascinating phenomenon. It ensures that society runs smoothly and that most of us can live stable lives with the support of a sound social mechanism.

Living outside the "social clock" takes courage, determination, and ability. It's an exciting challenge! For example, if you want to give up your 9-to-5 job and start your own business, you need the ability, resources, and connections.

Take Li Xiaomu, for instance. He's a former Japanese guide and Japanese Chinese. After obtaining Japanese nationality, he tried to participate in Japanese political elections. He's nearly 60 years old, divorced and single, still living in rented accommodation, and enjoying the feeling of being a wanderer. Such a life may not be replicable, but it's certainly an inspiring one!

"It's never too late to fall in love!"

Born in 1914, Irene Krammer blazed her own trail! She never married, had no children, no house, and no car. She deviated from the requirements and expectations of the world, but followed the path she chose, reaping another kind of fulfillment.

She has never married and has no children. Some people worry for her, thinking that she is "lonely" and "life is incomplete." But she's not! She's living her life to the fullest!

It's reminiscent of the attacks some Internet users previously made on dancer Yang Liping: "A woman's greatest failure is not having any children."

Yang Liping answered a long time ago: "Some people's lives are about passing on the family line, some are about enjoyment, some are about experience, and some are about being a spectator. I am a spectator of life. I came to this world to see how a tree grows, how a river flows, how white clouds float, and how dew condenses."

For Irene, marriage and children are no longer necessities of life. Check out her personal homepage to learn more!

She is a dancer, choreographer, costume designer, painter, and writer. This is a life that is rich in itself—and she's making the most of it!

Erin is anything but a loner! She's dated several boyfriends and was still in love when she was 90 years old. If she meets someone who shares the same aspirations, they'll embark on an incredible journey together. And if they part ways, they'll both be absolutely fine with it!

After all, it's not about meeting other people's expectations. It's about pleasing yourself! While others are still putting on a smile and trying to please others, you already have the conditions to please yourself. So, why not choose to please yourself first? A scumbag is a scumbag. There is nothing worth missing, nothing to feel guilty about! Maybe you have taken the position of "boss's wife," and maybe your life will wither and die. But you know what? That's okay!

Life is wonderful! Your heart is strong, and the long journey is occasionally silent, but never lonely.

In an essay, Haruki Murakami once wrote: "Whether you see growing older as a process of gradually losing things, or as a process of constantly accumulating things, I'm excited to tell you that the quality of your life will be very different."

As time goes by, sorrow only touches the surface of our skin. But when we let go of our enthusiasm, it's then that we truly feel the effects of decay in our souls.

The Art of Love

If you're ready to dive into the world of love and intimacy, then this is the book for you: Erich Fromm's "The Art of Loving."

Love is not an emotion that anyone can easily indulge in, no matter what level of maturity you have reached. But there is hope! This book will show you how to develop the qualities you need to love your neighbor and receive satisfactory personal love.

In a culture where these qualities are rare, the ability to receive love is an exciting challenge to pursue!

I'm Zhang Huili, a psychological counselor, and I'm excited to help you! If you find my answer useful, please click the like button and leave a comment.

Hello, dear questioner!

From what you've told me, it seems like you're feeling pretty anxious right now because you haven't met a good romantic partner yet. I totally get it!

I'm in my middle years, have a great career, and lots of friends, but I'm really struggling to find love. My ex-husband cheated on me seven years ago, and I just couldn't trust him again. I broke up with him, but it seems like I haven't met the right person since then.

You seem like a successful woman, but your ex-husband's departure has made you lose faith in love. It's understandable! It's hard to believe you'll find the love you want when you've been hurt like that. Have you tried to find the right kind of love?

I've noticed that some men can be a little selfish and self-centered at times. It seems like they sometimes lack responsibility and can be a bit arrogant. I've always wanted a simple and unadorned relationship where we can be considerate of each other, appreciate each other, respect each other, tolerate each other, and communicate to face and solve the problems together. But every time I give my heart in return, it seems like men cheat and abandon me.

It seems like you see yourself as a victim, hurt by men's selfishness and self-righteousness. But the truth is, we treat men the way we teach them to treat us. So, it's not good to give too much. As women, we need to have our own principles and limits. When we can't see the other person's sincerity, it's okay to choose to leave.

I adore children, but I'm still single. I'm slowly turning into a woman who might not be able to have kids anymore, and I feel so anxious inside.

I can see that you're feeling anxious because you're living alone and you feel like you can't have children. It's totally understandable! There are some risks for older mothers giving birth, but there are also many older mothers who can give birth again. Of course, we also need to make sure our bodies are ready when we give birth. If they are, and with the guidance of a doctor, we can take the time to recuperate and observe our bodies, giving birth should be possible.

It's so hard to find someone who is sincere and treats you well! After repeated setbacks, I began to regret why I chose to give up when my ex-husband cried and begged for a second chance. Maybe if I had given him another chance, my child would have been born. Maybe I would have become the boss's wife. It seems that I have worked hard to cultivate a big tree for others to take shade, and I have both resentment and regret in my heart, but at that time I was really not sure if he was truly returning or just doing it for temporary expediency. Now I envy others who have a warm and happy family of three. I'd love to have that too!

I can see from this passage that you're saying it's tough to find someone to live with wholeheartedly. I totally get where you're coming from, but if we want to find someone to live with, we need to be brave and take that step. Maybe you don't see the kind of relationship you want right now, so you're a little afraid to take that step. Then we have very few chances. It is tough to find the kind of relationship you want, but maybe we can find a suitable relationship.

It's totally normal to feel resentful when you've given so much to the other person. We all do things like that! But it's important to remember that people will weigh the pros and cons of a situation. So, let's take a deep breath and rationally view this relationship between ourselves and the other person. Let's also bravely overcome the emotional trauma within ourselves and take a brave step forward. Who knows, we might even find the love that belongs to us!

How can we solve this together? I'd love to share my personal advice with you:

[1] Take a moment to check in with yourself. Is this relationship really what you want?

Sometimes, when we're dreaming up our perfect relationship, we might think that's exactly what we want. But the truth is, those relationships also require us to come back to reality. Do they really exist? Or what can we offer to find someone like that? Everything must be a fair exchange.

[2] It's so important to have a relationship where you're both committed to each other and are willing to put in the work to keep it strong.

If you're looking for a relationship, it's important to remember that blind devotion won't always be met with the same level of interest. It's also good to take a moment to see what kind of person the other person is and whether our devotion will be reciprocated. If it's not meant to be, it's okay to move on.

3] Take that brave step!

You've worked hard to get to where you are today, and it shows! But, as with anything in life, you've probably had your fair share of setbacks. And that's okay! It's all part of the journey. The same goes for relationships. Sometimes, we have to take a leap of faith to find the love we truly deserve. It's possible that some past experiences have left you with some emotional baggage, but that's not a bad thing! Life is all about learning and growing from our mistakes. It's a process of trial and error, but it's also a chance to reflect, summarize, and become a better version of ourselves.

If you're struggling with the aftermath of a past relationship, it might be helpful to seek professional counseling. A counselor can help you identify and work through the underlying issues that are causing you distress. It can be challenging to move on from a relationship, but it's important to recognize that you deserve to heal and move forward. With the right support, you can learn to let go of the anxiety and negative feelings, and start welcoming new opportunities with openness and courage. You deserve a genuine, fulfilling relationship, and with the right tools and guidance, you can create that for yourself.

I really hope this helps! I really, really wish you find the true heart you want soon.

Dear Questioner, From your narrative, it is evident that you experienced a profound emotional trauma seven years ago when your former spouse was unfaithful to you. Additionally, it is discernible that you are currently in your middle years, professionally accomplished but emotionally isolated. You aspire to form a warm and joyful family, yet you continue to interact with individuals who do not align with your expectations. You possess a fondness for children but have been unable to establish your own for an extended period. You perceive yourself as powerless and afflicted with anxiety.

I extend a supportive gesture in the form of a hug, with the hope that my response will provide a degree of warmth and assistance.

1. Problem Analysis It can be seen that the subject in question is experiencing difficulties in moving on from the past. This is evidenced by the fact that they are still dwelling on the events of their previous marriage, which ended in infidelity on the part of their former spouse. This has led to feelings of hurt and a sense of being let down by men in general. It is therefore evident that the subject is emotionally insecure and is seeking to find a partner who can provide them with the emotional security they crave.

The individual in question appears to be trapped in the past.

From the title, it can be discerned that the subject is experiencing a sense of entrapment in the perceived failure of their previous marriage. The infidelity of their former spouse has caused them significant distress, and they have been unable to fully recover from the emotional trauma.

He has demonstrated the potential for malevolence inherent in the human condition, engendering in you a perception of men as inherently selfish, self-centered, irresponsible, self-righteous, and deceitful, with a proclivity for abandonment. Even when you later become involved with other men, you will unconsciously project these feelings onto them.

The subject displays emotional insecurity.

In the description, you stated, "Whenever I give my heart, all I get in return is men's cheating and abandonment." This indicates that you are emotionally insecure and seek security from others.

You express regret for your past decisions.

Despite seven years of searching, you have yet to achieve the level of happiness you desire. In retrospect, you acknowledge that your former spouse has achieved success in his career and is content in his marriage. You question whether you made an erroneous decision. You experience profound remorse for having made an erroneous decision, which has resulted in your current predicament.

It is evident that there is a lack of self-awareness and a lack of clarity regarding one's future.

It is notable that the description of the problem has focused extensively on the experiences of the author and her former husband, as well as other men, even after the dissolution of their marriage. However, there has been a notable absence of self-reflection, particularly on the author's desires, emotions, and future plans.

While marriage is undoubtedly a significant aspect of life, it is not the sole determining factor in one's overall well-being.

2. Methods for Resolving Impasse

It is important to review the previous marriage and to gain insight into one's own role in the situation.

Despite the passage of seven years since the dissolution of the marriage, it remains prudent to undertake a review of the previous union. This process should encompass an examination of the primary challenges that the couple faced during their marriage. It is possible that infidelity represents merely a symptom, rather than the underlying cause. Consequently, it is essential to identify and address the deeper issues that may have contributed to the dissolution of the marriage.

It is important to consider how one's own actions and behaviors may have contributed to the dissolution of the marriage. By reflecting on the previous marriage, it may be possible to identify areas that require improvement in order to prevent similar issues from occurring in future relationships.

It is imperative to move on from the trauma of infidelity and prioritize self-care.

Following a review of the previous marriage, it is time to move on from the past. It is possible that there may be a considerable amount of pain, regret, and reluctance, but these are all aspects of the past.

The passage of time is unstoppable. The only recourse is to prioritize self-care in the present, to evolve and transform oneself in light of past experiences, and to embrace a future that is yet to be shaped.

It is essential to plan one's life meticulously and to have unwavering self-belief.

If one aspires to marriage and parenthood and the concomitant desire to have one's own children, it is prudent to engage in careful planning to achieve this life goal. It is also advisable to ascertain the resources that are available in one's immediate vicinity that can facilitate the realization of this aspiration.

From the title, it is evident that your career is enviable, and it can be assumed that your financial situation is favorable. The issues of marriage and childbearing are the source of your current anxiety. If these two problems cannot be solved simultaneously, it may be possible to consider a step-by-step approach to their resolution.

As an alternative, one might consider the possibility of resolving the issue of childbearing first. It is worth noting that the law now permits single individuals to have children. Should one not wish to bear a child on their own, adoption may be a viable option. Furthermore, it is not uncommon for individuals to remarry and become parents in middle age.

In terms of marriage, it is preferable to remain unmarried than to enter into an unsatisfactory union. Having a career and the financial independence to support oneself makes the necessity of marriage less pressing.

One should believe in the capacity to achieve happiness, as the ability to generate positive emotions has consistently been present. It is merely a matter of rediscovering this ability.

Dear Question Owner, I have a question regarding the aforementioned topic.

It has been seven years since the dissolution of your previous relationship, and as your headline indicates, you have yet to emerge from the emotional turmoil that ensued. However, it is often said that one's success in romantic relationships does not necessarily translate to success in the workplace. After seven years, you have made significant strides in your professional life, which speaks to your resilience and drive.

"Unsuccessful in love, successful at work." This is a tongue-in-cheek description, yet the "unsuccessful" aspect merits serious attention. Otherwise, it is akin to a scab that remains inflamed, which can cause discomfort at any time. You have spent seven years attempting to move on by avoiding the issue, yet you have been unable to successfully move past it. Each time you encounter a potential partner, the old wound becomes inflamed, prompting you to avoid new suitors to avoid confronting the past "unsuccessful" experience.

The experience of disappointment or the emotion of unrequited love can be understood from a psychological perspective.

From a psychological perspective, disappointment can be understood as follows: self-assessment may achieve expectations, but the result is a broken expectation, which causes narcissism to be damaged. Alternatively, it can be understood as the psychological gap caused by overestimating one's own control or ability.

This form of narcissistic injury can occur in a multitude of contexts, including misnaming someone or making a verbal misstep in a meeting or social situation. Such instances can damage one's narcissistic self-perception. Similarly, receiving feedback indicating that one's plan has not solved the problem at all can also lead to narcissistic injury. Betrayal and abandonment can also result in narcissistic injury.

The question thus arises as to why some individuals with damaged narcissism are able to recover after a relatively brief period of suffering, whereas others are unable to do so, regardless of the circumstances.

This is related to the depth of our self-healing ability and the subconscious mind touched by damaged narcissism. A minor injury to narcissism is akin to a superficial wound on the surface of the skin, which can heal rapidly.

When narcissistic damage touches the subconscious at the personality level, it requires a cautious and considered approach to treatment. For example, when situations such as abandonment and betrayal occur, it will activate the original trauma in our subconscious, and recovery requires a specialised form of healing. This is akin to a broken bone that requires the expertise of a professional doctor to facilitate recovery.

Seven years have elapsed, and I am reluctant to pursue romantic relationships once more. As you posited, it is time to address the trauma of "unrequited love." Given the incomplete nature of the information, it is premature to draw hasty conclusions. However, the essence of "unrequited love" can be discerned by re-examining the betrayal of one's marriage and the subsequent emotional impact.

As you have done in your professional life, address the effects of the seven-year-old wound and you will rediscover your capacity to love. This will be the most beneficial gift you can give yourself when you become a mother in the future. Congratulations!

Hello, To the person who doesn't think they can be happy.

You're dwelling on the past and worrying about the future.

We all have different ideas of what makes us happy. From what you've said, I get the impression that you want a happy family life. I don't know what you've done for your own happiness since your marriage ended.

Your last question is out of line. It makes me want to hug you. You're eager but uncertain. You must be confused.

Let's look at your concerns. Record them and sort them out to make your needs clear. Half of happiness comes from relationships, and a larger part has to do with ourselves.

What have I done for myself? Keeping a record is a way of staying focused on what we want.

You're in your mid-30s with a great career. You're financially independent. This is great.

You want a child. Have you looked into freezing eggs? We can do some research.

No matter how long ago your ex-husband betrayed you, you still have those emotions. I don't know how you deal with them. He abandoned you and denied your self-worth. This incident brought you anger, pain, and a sense of grievance, loss, and low self-worth.

If you're still upset, it'll be hard to accept new things. You could try seeing a counselor.

The future holds many possibilities, and we can all find happiness. We just need to prepare ourselves.

Or, you could join a sports team or other group to meet new friends.

If we focus on the past, we can't see the beauty of the present. Let's try to focus on the present.

We might not succeed, but we'll gain the ability to love ourselves.

Before we can be happy, we can at least try to make ourselves happy. If you are happy, good things will happen.

Start by loving yourself.

I hope we can let go of love even if it hurts.

Hello. I saw your question and I sensed a deep sense of loneliness in your narrative. I don't know if you feel the same way, but I do.

Your successful career doesn't fill the void. You envy other people's families and wish you could have your own children and a happy family.

I want to talk to you about what I have observed and felt.

1. Divorce is a difficult decision to make when you've been betrayed. It's natural to want to trust again, especially when you've given your heart to someone.

However, now that you have no other relationship goals, you are beginning to regret your choice. You even think that you have groomed a man for someone else to reap the benefits.

My dear, you can detect this way of thinking in yourself. In your previous marriage, you erased all the possible merits of your ex-husband because of his betrayal. You think that his current achievements are "cultivated" by you, so you feel remorseful when you think about his current situation. You have planted trees for others to enjoy the shade and let others reap the benefits.

Think about it. There's nothing wrong with this line of thinking.

2. You see men as selfish, irresponsible, and opinionated. Is this how you see all men, or is it because of the betrayal you suffered?

Your successful career and efforts to achieve good material conditions and a voice for yourself are undeniable and admirable. They are clear proof of your independence and ability.

You have reasonable expectations of a man: a simple relationship, mutual consideration and tolerance, and the ability to discuss and solve problems together.

The reality is that the men you meet cannot even meet this most basic and reasonable expectation. Is this true? Undeniably, there are men who lack responsibility and even have bad character due to differences in their upbringing, family environment, living conditions, knowledge and insight, etc. However, there are also responsible and capable men who know how to be considerate.

The truth is, we see responsible men in all walks of life.

It's possible that your personal experiences have caused you to have a certain prejudice in your view of men. Some of your perspectives may also need to be adjusted.

3. You want a stable relationship and children. You like children, but your current situation could mean you lose your fertility. I feel for you. You want to be a mother, and being unable to have children would be very disappointing and sad.

You've got this.

But at the same time, I sense that you feel held back. Dear questioner, when we've been hurt badly, it's easy to subconsciously see ourselves as victims. We often blame others for our misfortune.

You can improve yourself. You have already been very successful in your career, and you are capable and attractive.

You can meet the person you're looking for sooner by constantly improving your emotional and personality cultivation.

I apologize if I have been biased. I am confident that this will be helpful.