Always thinking about the bad attitude mother had towards grandma? Conflicted and entangled.

You have worked hard to support your elderly mother. You also have brothers and sisters, but your mother living with you puts pressure on you. It gives you encouragement and comfort.

You're over 50 with kids. Everyone has different emotions and experiences from the past. My mom is over 80. Each generation has experienced family, work, and the times differently.

They had a harder time than you. You have also struggled.

We must respect our mothers and forgive our grandmothers. Forgiving others is also forgiving ourselves.

Second, your mother has always lived with you, which has cost you time and energy. It has also made you think more about the past. You need to know where your bad mood and thoughts come from. Then you can take the right medicine. This could be sharing the burden with your siblings or hiring a babysitter.

Maybe your grandma or dad was good to you, which has led to your current thoughts and attitudes. This is inevitable.

We must understand why we think the way we do to feel less anxious and conflicted.

I hope you can live a happier, healthier life with your mother.

Hello, question asker. Reading your words is like meeting you in person.

I'll summarize your words:

My mother is old. I often think of how she treated my grandmother. I feel resentment and anger towards her. I don't feel bad for her suffering. I feel this is her deserved retribution.

I feel conflicted and miserable.

You were sad when you saw how your mother treated your grandmother. You hope they can live in peace. The past cannot be changed, and your grandmother has already passed away.

This memory has affected you. How should we view their conflict? Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships are difficult in China. Grandma also caused your mother trouble. They did not understand each other. You saw it and it stuck with you. You want family harmony, so you have not been able to let go of this matter.

You still haven't let go of this.

The main issue is for the questioner to accept that her mother is old. Since ancient times, the young and the old have been put together in sayings. Now her mother is acting like a child, holding a grudge and seeking revenge. We cannot ask our mother to change; we can only soothe her emotions.

This is a conflict between mother and grandmother. We don't need to feel bad about it.

Second, even if you don't feel like your mother deserves compassion, you are still taking care of her. Living with your mother, you are very responsible.

Nobody's perfect. It's okay to be resentful. Don't be too hard on yourself.

This is just my opinion. I hope it helps.

I wish you a happy life!

?

Hi, I'm a heart coach. I'll be there for you with warmth and listen to your story with sincerity.

I've read your story and the emotional ties between you, your grandmother, and your mother. I understand your feelings for your grandmother and your mother's perspective.

But when you think about how they live together day to day, it makes it hard to love your mom. Your attitude towards her changes, and it feels wrong because it goes against what you think you should do as a son or daughter.

?1. Look at things from different points of view to see the truth of more problems.

In the era of material scarcity and under the influence of feudalistic thinking, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law was even more sensitive and even mutually incompatible.

A person's outlook and perspective are shaped by their upbringing, education, and their own personal growth.

There are social reasons, too. Material deprivation is one of them. You can only pursue the needs of the mind—things like a sense of worth and achievement—when the basic physical needs of food, clothing, shelter, and transportation are met.

There are individual reasons, too. Different perspectives and levels of thinking naturally lead to different outcomes. Grandma and mom, both mothers, no matter what they do or how they interact, there's a positive motivation behind all actions: love for their children.

And you, who probably should have become a parent a while ago, can better understand what it means to be a mother.

Take a step back and look at the patterns of your grandmother and mother, and how they interacted. Don't assume you need to accept them, but try to understand them from the perspective of motherhood.

Just do it and try to understand why they did what they did in that situation. At least, from their point of view, they were acting in a way that made sense to them at the time. That's enough.

2. Take a look at how you're feeling and what you need right now.

Why do you feel sorry for your grandmother and resent your mother now, when so much time has passed, your grandmother has passed away, your mother is sickly, and you are already in your fifties?

Emotions are like a delivery man, delivering an important gift to us. If you don't accept it, he'll just keep on calling.

Take a look at what needs are being met behind your anger and dissatisfaction.

Or could it be that you're longing to be treated as an equal, or that you're developing compassion?

It's great to see that you have the kind of faith that the Buddha would be proud of. You can develop mindfulness and think about what needs you have that haven't been met in your relationship with your mother. For example, you might think about whether your parents affirmed, praised, or recognized you enough.

Parents accepting you unconditionally, etc.

Our relationships with others ultimately come back to our relationship with our parents.

I hope this is helpful to you. I love you and I'm here for you.

If you want to keep in touch, just click "Find a coach" in the top right or bottom of the page. I'll be in touch and we can work together one-on-one.

Questioner:

Hello! I can relate to what you wrote. I understand how you feel.

You are a filial person, no doubt about it. Without you, your mother wouldn't be taken care of, and you wouldn't be upset by her behavior towards your grandmother. All of this shows the inner turmoil and suffering you feel.

You care about your mother. You mentioned all the good things about her and how hard it was for her. You have a lot of feelings for her. You know it.

You respect Grandma, and you know she wasn't nice to Mom. You think she's old and that things are in the past, but I think Mom can be nicer and more tolerant. Is that how you feel?

You are conflicted inside. You feel for your mother and her hardships, but you also feel that you have to take care of your grandmother in her old age. Your mother keeps complaining and taking revenge on your grandmother in front of you, which makes you feel very disapproving and impatient.

You need to understand that the more you disapprove of your mother's behavior, the more likely she is to do it again.

Mum is hurting herself and you by behaving like this. She is also hurting Grandma, even though she may not be aware of it. Grandma suffered a great deal when she was young. We cannot possibly understand what she is feeling.

And she always repeated herself, even deliberately hurting her grandmother, all because her emotions and pain were not truly seen and soothed. You need to listen carefully every time your mother complains and then tell her: "Mom, I know you suffered a lot of injustice and harm at Grandma's place, you really didn't have an easy time, and when we grow up you will enjoy the benefits...".

Healing a mother's wounds takes time. Have you given her the time she needs? Or do you just get tired of telling her over and over again?

She really needs companionship and listening!

I am just like you. My mother also often complains about things from her past. After hearing it so much, I get annoyed and feel like hating her. Then I switch to thinking from her perspective and realize that this is really the only way for her to heal.

She was never taught how to reconcile with herself, and she was unaware that letting go of the past is the only way to truly find happiness.

You're sad because you love them and you're devoted to them. You don't need to get involved in what happened in the past.

You should be filial to your mother and grandmother. Do your best and follow your heart.

Accept your mother and accept yourself! Best wishes!

You're welcome!

Good evening. I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted to extend my sincerest regards to you in the form of a 360-degree hug.

After carefully reading your question, I understand that your mother is elderly and still has concerns about how her grandmother treated her. You also believe that your grandmother may have treated your mother poorly, but it has been many years since her passing, and your mother is still dwelling on the past. While I empathize with your mother's feelings, I also believe she should take responsibility for herself.

This can lead to feelings of resentment towards your mother. Even if she is suffering, it can be challenging to feel compassion for her and to see her situation from a different perspective.

However, this may also make you feel somewhat uneasy, as your mother's persistent remarks may inadvertently trigger a defensive response within you, redirecting your frustration towards yourself. As a daughter, you may feel constrained from expressing any negative sentiments towards your mother, particularly given her advanced age.

However, it seems that your body and emotions are reacting to the negative energy brought about by your mother. It's as if two evenly matched opponents are engaged in a battle that neither can win, which can be quite exhausting.

So, what can you do? I offer some of my own views on the matter.

Firstly, it is important to remember that your mother's complaints are her own business, and how to deal with them is a matter for her to decide.

In the relationship between your mother and your grandmother, it's important to remember that, as juniors, we don't have a say in the matter. If you speak up for your grandmother, your mother may feel excluded and think you're siding with her.

And we are not in the same position as our mother. Even if we have seen the discord between our mother and grandmother, we are not directly involved and cannot fully understand the situation. Now we are suggesting to our mother that she let it go, which is a bit like talking the talk and not walking the walk.

It is therefore not for us to intervene in the differences between your mother and grandmother. Now that your grandmother is no longer alive, your mother may feel the need to express her feelings, and it may be helpful to respond in a way that shows you agree with her on some points. She may also feel that it is too late to change things, but it may still be important for her to know that you support her views.

Perhaps it would be best not to try to stop her from complaining. Sometimes it can be her outlet, her way of expressing her existence.

Ultimately, it is up to her whether or not she wants to stop complaining and let go. It would be best not to disturb her in any way.

Secondly, it would be beneficial for you to address your emotions and pain as they are your own personal challenges.

As previously discussed, you have the option of either agreeing with your mother's complaints or helping her to change her way of thinking. For instance, although Grandma makes you unhappy, you have such a filial child like us. In short, you could perhaps say something to make her happy.

Let's talk about your wounds. From a psychoanalytic perspective, you want to be a dutiful daughter, and you are indeed a dutiful daughter. However, it seems that there might be some underlying disapproval of your mother. It's understandable that you can't argue with your mother, and so you might have turned the aggression inward.

As I mentioned previously, this is something you need to work through on your own.

You might consider telling your mother your thoughts honestly, just as they are. As for whether she can understand them and whether she will argue with you, that is up to her. Of course, there is some risk involved.

You might also consider talking to other people, such as your best friend.

You might also consider writing out your negative emotions and finding a tree hole.

You might also consider speaking with a counselor.

It is important to remember that the mother has her rights, just as you have yours. While it is not your place to interfere with her right to express herself, even if it may result in hurt feelings, it is also crucial to acknowledge that your actions could potentially affect her as well. It is essential to take responsibility for your emotions and work towards resolving the situation in a way that is respectful and constructive for all parties involved.

You may also wish to consider seeking outside help.

I tend to see the world through the lens of both Buddhism and pessimism, but I also recognize the value in embracing positivity and motivation. I truly believe that the world and all its beauty deserve our love and respect.

In all fairness, my mother was a pretty great person. She was a bit sensitive, sure, but she was also easy-going and kind with a great sense of humor. My grandmother passed away at the age of 98 the year before last. She was a more sensitive person, the kind of mother-in-law that my mother's generation had to deal with when she was young.

Grandma is the kind of person who sometimes has bad intentions, such as gloating and deliberately watching your troubles. My mother, on the other hand, is the kind of person who has no ulterior motives. She's just a sweetheart!

For instance, she was actually a very nice person to her grandmother most of the time. But when there were people around, especially when the children were older, she seemed to feel that she had a backbone and support. In fact, at that time, her grandmother was already quite old and relatively restrained. In addition, her grandmother was quite good at getting along with people and behaved well when there were a lot of people around, not causing trouble. She was a very nice old lady.

But the mother couldn't help it. She would think of what Grandma had done in the past at the slightest provocation and then give her a piece of her mind. For example, on a certain holiday, everyone returned home and was happy together, but suddenly Grandma said something, and the mother snapped back, furious. It was a bit embarrassing for everyone.

Then when I grew up, my mother often told me about the not-so-great things my grandmother had done to her in the past. I believed her, but I just didn't know what I could do to help.

And even though things have passed, she still hasn't. You can really feel the resentment and hatred in her heart. I say, "Forget the past," but she says, "Do you think I've suffered in vain and have no one to talk to?"

We've tried to help her so many times, but she just can't let go of the hatred. It's so sad. Every time Grandma annoys her, she just takes it.

But once things have passed, she will suddenly take revenge at some unknown time. It's so sad!

This was a real shame because it meant that the atmosphere in the family and the children were dragged down by her, and even the younger children in the next generation could feel it.

Otherwise, she's a great mom!

My grandmother has passed away, and my mother is also getting older and often feels unwell.

And in my heart, this situation has even arisen: the more I think about it, the more I remember her bad attitude towards my grandmother in the past. I think, if you don't respect the elderly, you will suffer. But on the other hand, I should also understand the bad things my grandmother did when she was young.

To be honest, I wasn't particularly close to my grandmother. She wasn't the easiest person to get along with, and she didn't love her grandchildren as much as my mother did. But now, I think about all the things my mother did in the past, and I think about all the ways she hurt me. So many times, when nothing was actually wrong, she would tell me over and over again about the bad things that had happened in the past, full of hatred. It had a bad influence on me. Once, when I was taking Chinese medicine, she told me over and over again, and I got depressed. As a result, I had back pain for most of the year, and I can still feel it now.

Sometimes I think that my mother has suffered so much in the past that she should be able to talk about it. Even if it's in the past, it's still unforgettable. Just like me now, even if my mother didn't directly suffer for me, it's still hard for me to forget because of her attitude towards my grandmother in the past, and my grandmother was at fault in the first place.

Now, when she's in pain or sick, I'll take care of her, but when she's just in pain, I don't feel sorry for her.

I felt like it might not be the right thing to do, though. I kept thinking about chanting the Buddha's name and praying to the Bodhisattva to bless her and make her pain go away, but I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to chant for her.

I think this is also something we can work through together.

I'm so grateful for this place, Yi Xinli, where I can talk about it and not feel alone.