An unrecognized person, how to adjust oneself and step out of the original family?

Dear Sir/Madam, I recently perused your online post and noted the following: You stated that due to your academic performance not aligning with the current standard of excellence, your family subjected you to comparisons with other children. This led to a lack of unconditional love, respect, acceptance, and tolerance. I empathize with your situation and understand the challenges you've faced. Best regards, [Your Name]

As a result, when you grow up, you always want to prove to others that you are actually excellent. By studying psychology, you have also learned where your problem lies. However, there is always pain in the process of changing yourself. On the other hand, your relationship with your mother is also a challenging aspect of your life.

Due to her assertive personality, there were frequent disagreements. I believe that the primary challenge for children raised in a family that lacks unconditional love and acceptance is the inability to love themselves.

During the approximately ten years you spent with your parents, they consistently reinforced the idea that you were not good enough. This belief in your own inadequacy has become deeply ingrained and tends to arise automatically in response to new situations.

Indeed, it is a conditioned reflex. You are now seeking to break away from this habitual thinking of feeling inadequate.

I appreciate your current level of distress and the concerns you have expressed. You have already made significant efforts in this regard, regardless of whether you perceive any change. However, I believe your efforts are commendable and warrant recognition. Everyone experiences challenges, and every family has its own unique story. It's essential not to solely focus on the negative emotions. There may also be unexpected gains. I encourage you to maintain a positive outlook.

Good day, host.

In reading your words, I am struck by the resemblance to my own experiences. I, too, was not an academically outstanding student, I also had a strong mother, and I also studied psychology.

It is my hope that by sharing my journey, I can provide inspiration and confidence to others.

I was in a period of transition when various occupational and familial pressures precipitated severe insomnia. By chance, I encountered psychosomatic medicine, and after testing, I belatedly recognized that the underlying cause originated from my relationship with my mother.

Prior to this, I had already established my own familial unit. I am an individual who is profoundly concerned with my mother's emotional state and disposition. Even at this early juncture, I engaged in frequent discourse with her and even implored my husband to emulate my conduct towards her, demonstrating deference to her preferences.

It was not until later that I came to understand that the foundation of our new family unit should be the two of us.

Following a period of insomnia, during which I gained new insights and engaged in persistent reflection, I initiated efforts to modify my relationship with my mother. In particular, I sought to reinforce my sense of autonomy, asserting my identity as an independent individual.

The initial step was to attempt to become independent in terms of time and space. During the period when my children were young, my mother provided assistance with childcare.

Once my children had reached an age where they could be cared for independently, I attempted to provide them with childcare and babysitting services, thereby affording myself the opportunity to become more independent.

The vicissitudes of life have imparted a plethora of insights, fostering a profound sense of empathy.

The second step is to make decisions independently. Regardless of the matter's significance, I will not divulge information to her without first evaluating its necessity.

There are certain matters that are not conducive to productive discourse and therefore warrant no further elaboration. Conversely, there are issues that demand communication and clarification. In such instances, I endeavor to exercise discernment and express my stance with clarity and tact, while maintaining a mindful approach to communication to ensure that my words do not cause distress or offense, while also enabling me to assert my perspective with confidence.

In terms of roles, I have come to recognize the family position of my husband and I. I have undergone a process of maturation.

Following the third step, a period of autonomy and self-determination led to a notable simplification of familial relations and an increased awareness of personal desires. A careful and considered approach was employed in the management of the small family unit, aligning with individual values and preferences.

My own state of mind improved, I was no longer constrained by the complexities of my previous mental state, and the relationships between couples and between parents and their children in our small family became increasingly harmonious. At this time, my mental energy also improved.

The fourth step also yielded an unanticipated benefit. As my personality became more autonomous, I was better able to discern the relationship between myself, my nuclear family, and my biological family.

I was surprised to occasionally receive my mother's praise and envy, which I had previously considered beyond the realm of possibility. I believe that I have undergone a significant degree of maturation.

I recall that during the pandemic, I was able to empathize with my mother's challenges when an opportunity arose. I experienced a sudden surge of empathy, prompting me to express my gratitude to her.

I am not adept at articulating my emotions and sentiments. In that instant, my mother also sensed her own visibility. I came to recognize that parents are merely fellow practitioners in this world, and that each of us has our own unique path to fulfillment.

We are mother and daughter by circumstance, and it is therefore imperative that we value each other.

The aforementioned outcome is a consequence of the desire for change. There is no necessity for haste.

A change in awareness will result in a change in behavior, which will, in turn, yield a positive change in results. It is recommended that we anticipate this process of change for the better collectively.

Greetings, fellow psychology student.

Firstly, as a colleague specialising in psychology, you are aware that the discipline does not adhere to the same scientific rigour as other fields of study. The notion of absolute probability is not applicable within the domain of psychology.

The initial question to be considered is whether one is willing to accept the influence of the theory of the original family in its entirety or whether one is willing to accept it selectively.

Secondly, it is evident that one's family of origin will inevitably exert an influence on their development. The parents serve as the primary source of familial influence, and as such, they will also act as the primary source of influence for their children.

If we accept that this influence is insurmountable, then we must simply accept it.

Nevertheless, one might inquire whether the assertion "like father, like son; like mother, like daughter" is wholly accepted. If not, what factors contribute to the divergence from the archetypes of the dragon and the phoenix?

In conclusion, an examination of the history of our own country over the past century reveals that for an extended period, the majority of individuals were illiterate, there were frequent wars, and nearly every family experienced the loss of children at an early age. These circumstances do not appear to have constituted a favorable family environment. Nevertheless, it is evident that there are still a considerable number of individuals who have achieved distinction and a state of contentment. The question, therefore, arises as to why this is so.

I believe that the decision to break free from the constraints of one's family of origin is a personal choice. While acknowledging the influence of one's family of origin, it is possible to choose to break free from its constraints. This process of breaking free requires a mindset that is not constrained by the limitations of one's family of origin.

It is my hope that this information will prove useful.

Hello, dear.

It sounds like you've gained a lot of insight into how your family affected you as a child and the various feelings you still have when dealing with your parents. You're very clear about your issues and have a strong desire to overcome these limitations. I think you're amazing.

But here's the catch: even with this understanding, you still feel pain because these patterns are deeply ingrained in your heart and they still affect your daily life. For example, you hesitate and are afraid when making decisions. When you're around your mother, you still have a lot of emotions.

You want to overcome and break through these issues, but perhaps it's not very effective, so you feel pain. I think that perhaps there's also some impatience and disappointment in yourself, which further triggers the feeling of worthlessness inside.

I don't know if you've heard this before, but the first step to healing yourself is to acknowledge your true state and accept yourself unconditionally. Usually, we know what our problem is and then rush to break through ourselves. This drive for growth, however, causes us more harm and makes things more difficult to resolve.

This urge to correct oneself and break through is driven by a deep sense of disapproval of oneself. It's actually pretty cruel to try to improve oneself with this kind of energy.

What are your thoughts on this? After all, isn't this the way we were corrected by our parents, and is it not what they wanted us to do?

But at the end of the day, whether you're still carrying the pain from your childhood or you're the child you once were, what you really need is deep and unconditional acceptance. And that's something only you can give yourself when you're dealing with old wounds. Bring patience, companionship, and unconditional acceptance to yourself in those moments.

Tell yourself it's okay, I see you, right now, feeling sad and powerless, and everything is okay.

On top of that, we often think that we have to fix ourselves before we can enjoy a happy life. As problem-plagued beings, we don't think we're worthy of a good life right now.

You've got to get all your problems sorted out before you can start enjoying life. Isn't it funny, it's a bit like a stern lecture from a teacher?

I'm not sure if you feel the same way.

What I'm saying is that you can still enjoy every moment of your life even if you haven't transcended your old patterns yet. It's your right to do so. Just like someone who is sick, they can choose not to dwell on their illness, fall into a sea of sorrow, and seek medical treatment everywhere.

If you need to see a doctor, go ahead and make an appointment. If you need to take medicine, do so. But apart from that, you can choose to put this matter behind you and enjoy life to the fullest.

I'm not sure if you agree.

Even though the past has left you with a few limitations and you still feel a bit uncomfortable now and then, you can do whatever you want to sort it out and become aware of it.

If you can't do that right now, that's okay. Just give yourself some time to recover. The most important thing is that when things are going well in your daily life, for example when you're alone, when you're not with your family, when you're not triggered by pain, you can also choose to enjoy life to the full.

This way, you'll be happy as a whole person, and when your family triggers you, you'll be more powerful. The point is to live a happy life when you're not triggered, and when you are triggered, try your best to respond according to your true level.

Just like a child learning to walk, give yourself lots of chances and be gentle. If you're not satisfied, just practice again next time you're triggered.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You can choose not to let this old wound affect every aspect of your life. Bring more happiness and enjoyment to yourself.

Hope this helps! Best,

Hello, I'm Gu Yi! I'm all about humility and consistency.

It can be so hard to get out of that quagmire of the original family, can't it?

Growing up is like unravelling a beautiful, intricate mystery.

A strong mother who doesn't know how to protect her child's young heart and blindly criticizes the child's education will have an underlying character of inferiority, lack of self-confidence, and an inability to accept and get along with others. Such problems won't change overnight just because we want to change them. It takes time, experience, and a softer mindset.

Maybe when we were younger, we didn't notice these issues as much because we were just starting to recognize ourselves, become aware, and begin to change. As we all know, the process can be tough! We taught ourselves psychology in the hope of changing our mode of interaction with our mothers through an understanding of psychological knowledge. But when you approach with full confidence, things don't always turn out as you'd imagined.

If we want to change the way we get along with our mom, it's really about us. It can be tough to change other people in this life, but we can make a big difference by changing ourselves. When we use psychology to change our communication style, it's helpful to understand why our mom is the way she is. We can't change her biology, but we can guide our own behavior in a way that's more helpful.

It might be a bit tricky at first, but don't worry! It'll get much easier after that.

Let's learn how to guide ourselves to get along better!

The biological basis is a necessary condition for the existence of the psychological basis. Let's say we're taking a 2-year-old child with us, and you repeatedly emphasize that throwing things around is not allowed.

We've all been there. You give a child a gentle warning, and they do it again. It's so hard to keep calm when they ignore you!

But if we understand that a child's brain can't process this information until they're about two years old, that they can't remember it, and that they need to hear it over and over again,

Once we understand that there's a biological basis for this, we're less likely to get upset, right?

So, it's the same with our relationships with our mums and the way we are as people. If we want to get past the things that are holding us back, we need to know who we are and our relationship with our families.

I think we can all agree that we need to put aside some external factors and simply do it for ourselves. That way, we can grow some more resilient strength in our hearts and break through ourselves! When I know that there will be obstacles to my efforts, why not remove the obstacles?

Maybe we should think of ourselves as a community with the same parents. They're our starting point, and life begins with our parents, as it should. But we can also become parents and be the starting point for a child. Could we make a breakthrough for this?

Your life will become the fulcrum for another life. You have every right to be brave, confident, and strong. That's the true meaning of being strong as a mother.

Regarding your mother, no matter how many flaws there are in her quick temper or the harm she has caused you, this is an important lesson in life. It's so easy to want to evade the problem, but that won't help you solve the essence of the problem. You just have to face it! Everyone's psychology has a certain development process. We rely on the objective laws we master, and with more patience, guidance, and communication, we first learn to put our emotions aside and reconcile with the imagined pain points of our original families, so that we can understand what has been blinded for a long time.

I can't say much without having experienced your suffering, but I really hope I can use my youthful vitality to bring warmth to my family. No matter what kind of original family is behind, there is always a passionate heart or two. They might not be the best at expressing their feelings, or their way of showing love might be a little awkward, but that's okay!

That's why we need to be a smarter, more understanding version of ourselves to really grasp the essence behind the situation.

Wishing you all the best!

Dear colleagues in psychology, I hope this message finds you well.

I am a psychological counselor, Sunny, and I am grateful to have had the opportunity to connect with you on the Yi Xinli platform.

I am grateful for the opportunity to address the question, "How does someone who is not recognized adjust themselves and get out of their original family?" From the question's title, it is evident that the questioner has a clear awareness of themselves, which has led them to identify key words such as "not recognized," "original family," and "adjust/change."

It can be posited that upon the discovery and subsequent awareness of the problem, one is already on the path to change. As the adage states, "awareness is the prerequisite for change." When one considers the fact that the questioner is studying psychology and has learned more about herself, it can be surmised that change is inevitable.

In response to the topic raised by the original poster, I would like to present my thoughts and ideas for the original poster's consideration.

Let us first delineate the particular circumstances described by the original poster and then proceed to interpret and analyze them.

Due to my lack of academic excellence, I was unable to meet my family's standards for evaluating children as outstanding. My family engaged in comparisons with others, which led me to experience feelings of being unappreciated, untrusted, and unloved unconditionally from an early age.

— Academic performance is not outstanding, which is the situation of the vast majority of people. As for the unreasonable perceptions and evaluations of family members, such as comparison, disapproval, non-acceptance, distrust/conceit, and even suppression and belittlement, these can cause significant harm to the next generation of children. Such harm is often the result of the cognitive limitations of parents of the previous generation.

Subsequently, I sought to validate my actions through tangible results. Over time, I came to recognize the profound impact of my family of origin on my self-perception. The subtle yet pervasive influence of a culture of inadequacy, perfectionism, and self-doubt became evident.

It is possible that we continually strive to meet the expectations of our family, which can consume a significant amount of our mental energy. In order to "prove ourselves" or "cater to others," we may have lost sight of our true selves. Under the "teaching model" of our family, we may have developed patterns such as "self-denial," "imperfection," and "lack of confidence/low self-esteem."

It is important to acknowledge that the original family will inevitably exert some influence on us, but this influence is ultimately limited. Just as the original poster has now begun to "save" themselves through psychology, I believe that as long as they are willing to make changes and put them into practice, they will "step by step" become themselves!

Despite my studies in psychology, I have not yet fully resolved the issues I have identified.

Some influences are deeply embedded in my psyche, causing me significant distress. I am also striving to identify strategies for continued personal growth.

I would like to extend my congratulations to the original poster for their self-awakening, which makes change inevitable. When individuals become more and more aware of themselves, understand themselves, discover where their problems lie, become aware of the "truth" behind the pain, and find a method that suits them, then things will be different.

The relationship with my parents is also a topic of discussion. They did not provide me with substantial emotional support during my formative years. My mother is a strong-willed individual, and our personalities and ways of thinking are significantly divergent, resulting in frequent disagreements.

It is important to recognise that everyone is an independent individual. When faced with a mother who is overly dominant or controlling, it is the mother's responsibility to address her own issues. The person who is affected by this dynamic can take steps to separate themselves from the problem by taking back control of their own life. This may involve learning to care for themselves, expressing themselves authentically, and learning to resolve conflicts in a constructive manner.

Subsequent to my growth and learning, I have contemplated enhancing my relationship with her. However, she has not altered her behavior, and it is challenging for her to do so. She continues to exert a detrimental influence on me. She functions as an "emotional switch," whereby I become enmeshed in her emotional state whenever I become intimately involved with her.

Indeed, relationships serve as a mirror, enabling us to discern our own inner perceptions and behavioral patterns. To illustrate, when she lacks the capacity to regulate her emotions, she may influence others when she is in a negative mood. In the absence of self-awareness regarding this issue, we may find ourselves ensnared or misled. Consequently, the foundation for not being affected by others' emotions is the constant awareness that this is her emotional challenge and that she needs to address it independently. This establishes the "boundary of the relationship."

Those in my immediate circle counsel me to communicate with her less and to refrain from concerning myself with her subsequent anger. I am compelled to adhere to my own decision and pursue employment in a major urban center, where I can more effectively embody my authentic self and insulate myself from the influence of my family.

Furthermore, I wish to live my own life.

In reality, there are indeed situations where both parties experience suffering when there is a "lack of mutual understanding," particularly when there is no effective communication. In fact, in interpersonal interactions, including those with family members, there is one key concept that we must continually learn: "effective communication." I wonder if the questioner has read the most classic text on the subject of "Nonviolent Communication." In addition to being able to truly express one's inner thoughts and feelings, it is also essential to express them effectively. For example, if the questioner has the idea of wanting to work far away, it would be beneficial to read it when it is convenient.

In response to the actual situation described by the questioner, it may be beneficial to consider a different approach.

Firstly, it is essential to accept the entirety of one's family of origin and to acknowledge the constraints of its impact on us.

[1] It is possible that many of us experience ambivalent feelings towards our original families, struggling to navigate our relationships with them. We may desire to distance ourselves but feel constrained, experiencing a sense of powerlessness. However, it is important to recognise that our original families will not determine the course of our entire lives. Moreover, the questioner has already engaged with the field of psychology.

2. Through the process of learning, individuals can gain an objective understanding of their original family and learn to navigate their relationships with them.

It may be posited that those who have experienced harm as a result of the parenting style of their parents are themselves victims of the broader social and cultural context in which they were raised. The parenting style of parents is shaped by a complex interplay of factors, including their own family dynamics, cultural norms, and the broader social environment.

When we ascribe culpability to our parents for all the harm we have suffered, we are effectively ascribing fault to the entire collective.

[3] It is important to accept that parents are, by their very nature, imperfect beings.

An objective view of the original family necessitates the rejection of idealized expectations of parental behavior and the recognition of unfulfilled wishes that may exceed our actual capacity to bear them.

Thus, recognizing the shortcomings of our parents is a crucial aspect of addressing the pain objectively. At some point, we will have to acknowledge that we are imperfect parents and confront the disappointment and anger of our children. We will also have to accept the reality that we will eventually become adults who often disappoint our children.

[4] The influence of the original family is constrained. While inevitable harm from the original family will be experienced, it is limited and remediable. Re-evaluating the original family is a necessary step for psychological growth and the "separation of issues."

Secondly, it is essential to undertake a comprehensive reevaluation of one's familial origins, learn to adapt one's self-perception, and gradually embrace one's authentic identity, thereby facilitating constructive transformation.

[1] It can be argued that as long as the possibility of change is acknowledged, the courage to extricate oneself from the hurt can be found.

For example, one can endeavor to reacquaint oneself with one's parents. This endeavor holds particular significance in that it allows for a more objective and expedient disengagement from the influence of one's original family. It is therefore recommended that one identify opportunities to engage in direct discourse with one's parents regarding their childhood and past experiences, and to solicit insights from other family members regarding the multifaceted aspects of one's parents' personalities. This approach can facilitate a more profound mutual understanding between the two generations.

[2] Adjust cognitive biases and actively identify positive attributes in one's parents. It is essential to cultivate a more constructive outlook towards one's parents.

It is only through such means that reconciliation with one's family can be achieved.

For example, one might consider whether, in everyday life, parents offer support and positive regard in addition to engaging in behaviors such as comparison, suppression, and blame.

[3] It is important to learn to distinguish between different issues.

To navigate interpersonal relationships, including those with parents and partners, it is essential to develop the ability to "separate issues." This entails discerning between one's own concerns and those of others. It is crucial to assume responsibility for one's own life issues and refrain from attributing the problems of others to oneself.

Those who have studied psychology are expected to be able to distinguish between different issues.

In essence, the direct consequence of the matter in question is the responsibility of the individual in question.

From another perspective, perfection is unattainable. However, individuals must assume responsibility for their decisions and accept the consequences of those decisions.

Indeed, the spiritual growth of psychologists represents a lifelong process of learning, self-exploration, and practice.

The following books are recommended for further reading: Parents Who Won't Grow Up, Parents Who Can't Earn a Living—How to End Family Trauma, Why Families Hurt, Beyond the Family of Origin, Inferiority Complex and Transcendence, and Don't Control Me with Love, among others. Additionally, one may engage in learning through interactions with fellow psychologists or pursue more in-depth discussions and consultations to facilitate personal growth.

In conclusion, this is my interpretation and response to the original poster's inquiry. It is my hope that it will provide inspiration and assistance. I extend my best wishes to my fellow psychology colleagues, encouraging them to embrace the belief that their future will become increasingly expansive. I wish them success and support.

The aforementioned conclusions can be summarized as follows:

I am a person of one heart and one mind. In this world, I love all things. ?

From your post, I learned that because I wasn't a top student when I was young and didn't meet the current standard of judging a person's worth based on their academic performance, my family compared me to other people's children. It sounds like you were constantly compared based solely on academic performance, and you didn't feel loved, respected, accepted, or included unconditionally.

As a result, when you grow up, you always want to prove to others that you are actually excellent. Studying psychology has also helped you understand your own problems. But, as with anything new, there is always pain in the process of changing yourself. And, on the other hand, your relationship with your mother is also a difficult point for you now.

She was such a strong personality, there were always conflicts!

I think the biggest challenge for children who grow up without unconditional love and acceptance in their family is learning to love themselves. During the ten or so years they spend with their parents, they are constantly being told that they are not good enough.

This belief that you are not good enough has become so ingrained in you that it will automatically arise when you encounter something. It is actually a conditioned reflex.

You're ready to break away from this way of thinking that makes you feel inadequate.

Hi there! I've come out of the wounds of my original family, and I'd love to share what I've learned. Of course, everyone's experience is different, and we all feel differently, so everyone's healing journey is unique.

The most important step in resolving the problems of the original family is to see. Only after seeing the influence of the original family can the healing process begin. Start by thinking about the constant negative comments from your parents. It's okay to ask yourself, are the things your parents say the truth?

Academic performance is important, but it's not the only measure of a person. If not, then the ideas that your parents instilled in you may be problematic.

Your parents are people, too. They're not perfect, just like you. When you were young, you didn't understand why they did the things they did. Now that you're older and have had time to reflect, you can make your own judgment.

Second, if you have time, give yourself a little treat! Take yourself back to the scene of the hurt you experienced as a child, look at the helpless little you, go back to the scene in your memory every day, give the little child you were a big hug, and tell him that you now have the ability to protect that little child. You will always love him!

Just hang in there, my friend.

When you're feeling unsure of yourself, just slow down and ask yourself: there's no one else in the world like you! You are a precious being, so just be yourself.

As for your relationship with your mom, I can imagine it's been a bit of a challenge, especially if she's not quite the way you expected her to be. It's natural to feel this way when we're dealing with our parents, as they often represent our first experiences of love and acceptance.

A mother is just the way she is, the way she was before you were born. She's not going to change, so accept her for who she is, not for who you think she should be. And you, you are also an independent individual now. If you can mentally draw a clear boundary between you and your mother, and each of you respects the other's boundaries, you don't interfere with her, and when she brings up your emotions, you also tell yourself that they are her emotions.

It's so important to respect your own feelings. If you really don't feel comfortable, just calmly tell her that you don't feel comfortable. If you still don't feel comfortable, you can always distance yourself a little.

There's a saying that changing oneself is divine, but changing others is insane. I know it can be tough, but your suffering and pain are because you are trying hard to become a better person. If the process were painless, you probably wouldn't say that changing oneself is divine.

You've got this! Believe in yourself, take things one step at a time, and know that the process of changing yourself is a journey of two steps forward and one step back. Look at yourself in the mirror every day and say, "I love you, you are a unique and precious life."

It takes about 21 days to change a habit. If you can stick with it for a few months, you'll see that loving yourself is the most important thing you can do. When you love yourself, you'll know how to love others too!

I'm so happy to tell you that I've already started to love myself unconditionally! I know you will too, and then you'll understand what Oscar Wilde meant when he said that loving yourself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

I really hope this helps!

You never know who might recognize you! Some people might not recognize you, but others will. It all depends on what others think is good enough. One dance might not be up to standard with some instructors, but it could be a favorite with others.

You may have experienced some challenges during your upbringing in your original family, but you've got this! If you don't do well in school, it might be easy for your family to point out your shortcomings. But you can turn this around! You can show them that you're capable of meeting their expectations.

You've let them down, but you can make them happy! What can you do to make it up to them?

But everyone wants to move forward and strive for the best! It is even more difficult to do so on your own because the competitive pressure is also very great. You can see that you are not trusted, and perhaps the other person has already been disappointed with you too many times and demands that you do this and that in order to receive their love.

This means your love is not unconditional, which is great because it means you get to choose who you love! You are very insecure because everyone thinks you are not good enough, but this is something you can change. This is a long-term experience, and it will have a profound impact on the foundation of your life, so it's important to make the most of it. In fact, everyone has their own way of getting along with others, and that's a wonderful thing!

Other people subtly influence you, and you are also influencing others in return. You are also learning more knowledge, and it takes a long time to practice certain skills. Your mother is very strong and tends to have a lot of control over you. In fact, what your mother says is not necessarily right—but you can decide for yourself what is right!

You still have the power to hold on to your own life and make yourself more aware of your future! You can even consider taking a psychological test on the wounds of your original family to understand the impact of your past life on you. And you can consciously try to reverse it! Don't let your grades dictate your life. You also have your own standards of judgment, and you can discuss them with a psychological counselor. Come on!

ZQ?