Anxiety and depression, low self-esteem, a pleasing personality, how to find yourself?

Hello, my name is Zeyu, and I'm here to help!

I know it might sound a little strange, but I really believe that you are already on the way to finding yourself. Asking for help at this moment is the beginning and signal of change.

It can be really scary to show the world all your flaws. Even if you stay anonymous, you'll still face a lot of pressure and risk. Well done for facing your fears and sharing your story! Even if you don't think it's a big deal right now, it's so important to talk about it.

If you're lacking in self-understanding, caring about what others think, and feeling a bit bored with life, you're not alone! There are lots of ways to get help with depression, and if you feel like you need it, you can always seek the support of a psychologist. But if you're not ready for that, don't worry! I've got some personal tips and tricks up my sleeve that I'm happy to share with you.

If you're feeling unsure about what you want, it can be really helpful to think about all the things in your life that have brought you joy or given you a sense of value and affirmation. It's also a great idea to try to take ourselves out of the past and future and focus on the present. You can try each of these things one by one to affirm your efforts and see your own growth.

I'd love to explain my take on why we care what other people think.

First of all, each of us is an individual, which is great because it means we always need to separate issues. That means your business is your business and my business is my business. We cannot do anything about other people's issues, just as we cannot force others to change their issues.

So, it's really important to focus on the good things we have right now and work hard to achieve our goals. Thinking about it won't make us feel any better in the short term, so we need to take action to change the situation.

What else can we do in the face of these problems, my friend?

I know it can be tough, but I'm here to help. Try asking yourself, "What goal or purpose have we achieved through these labels and problems?" I know it might feel uncomfortable at first, but it's the truth. You're changing, and if you don't want to change, how can you even ask this question?

We can try using the SWOT analysis method to discover our strengths and weaknesses, and then come up with a plan to start making changes based on the results of the analysis. We are bound to encounter many problems at the beginning, but don't worry! As long as we can make changes, even if it's just for three minutes, we will reap the rewards.

And the great thing is, as we find ourselves in action, we can enhance our sense of control little by little.

And there's more! You can also combine mindfulness breathing training and aerobic exercise to physically reshape your brain and gain growth and change. Plus, you can gain support and strength through intimate relationships and peer groups to promote self-change and find yourself.

You're already on the path to change, and I believe that through your efforts, you will eventually meet the self you have been waiting for. I hope that you and I can grow together!

Hello!

I'm Kelly Shui, and I'm thrilled to be here with you today!

I have read your question very carefully, and I'm excited to answer it!

Confusion and suffering are the gateway to our awakening!

Guess what! Your upbringing, growth process, and experiences are closely related to your current situation.

Seeing the problem allows us to solve it!

[Low self-esteem, pleasing personality, how to find yourself?]

Let's dive right in and explore what low self-esteem is!

Let's dive into the fascinating topic of the causes of low self-esteem and explore some intriguing relationships with childhood.

1: The incredible journey of growth! Nurturers, parents, teachers, friends, and so many others are always there to support us and encourage us to reach our full potential. Even if there have been some challenges in the family, these experiences can also be opportunities for growth and learning.

2: We don't have our own awareness, and many people love reading some of the negative information that is spread on the internet!

3: The incredible journey of growing up and experiencing the twists and turns of life! Some people might face setbacks or challenges, but that's all part of the adventure!

4: The growth process is always compared, and it is strictly demanded to be complete, forming an excessively high standard requirement for oneself, or a perfectionist personality. This is an exciting process! It's a chance to set the bar high and aim for the stars.

Embrace the power of self-love! It's okay to feel bad when something bad happens.

5: If you have never been affirmed during your growth and have not been influenced by optimistic and cheerful people with a sunny disposition,

The formation of a negative personality is, as the questioner said, not knowing what you want, what you like, and lacking motivation and confidence. But there's good news! We can change this.

We totally get why we have low self-esteem and why we're so easy to please!

I was reading "The Courage to Be Disliked" some time ago, and it was a real eye-opener!

This is an amazing book written by Ichiro Kishimi for young Japanese readers. Through debates between young people and wise elders, he explains Adler's individual psychology theory in a way that's easy to understand. The truth has been tested by time, and the prescriptions are almost ready to address the confusion of modern people.

This book has had a profound impact on countless individuals. It offers a unique opportunity to delve into our own character through the guidance of a counselor, shift our perceptions, and embark on a journey of growth together. Continuous learning is another avenue for personal growth. We are all ordinary people, and it is precisely because suffering is also an opportunity and a beginning for change that we can make a difference in our lives.

I believe that people who pretend to be ostriches and bury their heads in the sand are difficult to wake up. But I also believe that they can be happy like this!

If you feel like you have no interest in your own life and want to be tied to your boyfriend every moment, it's totally normal! When you like and love someone, you allow yourself to be in this kind of mood and see the needs behind yourself.

Think about it! Think rationally!

How long can you stay together? Ten years, twenty years?

Do you want to stay together because you're not confident in yourself? Are you afraid that your boyfriend will meet a good girl when he goes out?

Can you really, truly spend every moment with another independent individual?

Will it suffocate? Will it get boring?

And the big question is: will it hinder each other's growth?

Adler believed that everyone has to face three life issues: work, friendship, and love. And which of these isn't based on good interpersonal relationships?

Because we don't have ourselves, our hearts are outside, just as you said. This means we have the incredible opportunity to grow and learn! We are socially anxious around others, which means we have the chance to practice and improve our social skills. We are pleasing, which means we have the ability to connect with others in positive ways.

On the other hand, people are all interdependent. If you don't label yourself as a pleasing personality and appreciate your own understanding and gentle nature, you'll like yourself even more!

Absolutely! You just be yourself!

Pay attention to your own feelings, follow your heart, communicate with others to feel your emotions, appreciate others, and at the same time "allow" yourself not to be liked by everyone. It's a great way to live!

The book says that when we want to have the courage to be hated, we must first separate the issues.

Let's distinguish between our own life issues!

We can bravely face it: which are other people's life issues? Don't interfere, and don't let other people PUA you. Like it or not, approve or disapprove, that's his problem, it has nothing to do with you. Just be at peace with yourself!

So, when you're rejected by your boyfriend, you can actually use this as an opportunity to realize whether you're self-PUA or being PUA by him!

Do you agree with what your boyfriend says without even thinking about whether or not he is right?

If what he says is correct, you can grow together! If it's not correct, you'll still be able to agree with yourself.

[Self-identification]

Do you think your boyfriend is a confident person?

You admire his strengths, and like attracts like. Perhaps you have the same strengths as your boyfriend, but you don't love yourself as much as he does? Guess what! You can change that. You can affirm yourself.

Absolutely! Why not write about your boyfriend's good points and your own good points?

Maybe your boyfriend is attracted to your good qualities while you admire him for his!

It's so important to communicate honestly and share with each other the best parts of yourselves!

And the best part is, you can also grow in your relationship!

If your boyfriend thinks you are not good, then you should definitely ask him, "If you are not good, is that part of you? He also has bad points, are they also part of him?"

Embrace your own imperfections and those of others! There's no such thing as perfection in this world, and that's the beginning of finding your true self.

This book mentions so many great things!

Adler says that self-acceptance is the opposite of arrogance. Both of these things have their roots in an inability to accept oneself as one is.

Your relationship with your boyfriend: I can see that you have room to grow in self-esteem. Is your boyfriend confident or arrogant?

Or has he been idealized by you?

In love, it is more blessed to give than to receive! From "The Art of Love" by Erich Fromm: "Immature love is governed by the principle: 'I love others because they love me.' Mature love is governed by the principle: 'I love others because I love them.'"

Loving ourselves, affirming ourselves, seeing ourselves, and accepting ourselves are the themes of our lives—and it's a journey we should all be excited about!

The most important thing is that we all accept ourselves as ordinary people, no matter what we are like. And you know what? Maybe even if we are mediocre and unproductive, we still love ourselves deeply!

You are the most important relationship you have!

The questioner is a thoughtful person, and thoughtful people also love to reflect on themselves!

1: Take a good, hard look at your life! Examine your work, your relationships with family and friends, and your intimate relationships.

2: Imagine you're an independent individual in the modern era. What would you do if you were alone in the future?

3: Write down 30 of your own strengths! Have a chat with yourself. Make peace with that critic inside. Comfort the self you have been criticizing. Say sorry to her. And restore confidence and order!

4: Trust your intuition. A good relationship is comfortable, whether it's with a loved one or a friend. And it should be!

If you feel uncomfortable, stop and ask yourself, "Are we pleasing ourselves first and living a life of our own?" It's a great question!

I love this saying so much, I just have to share it with you!

Those who rely on their kindness will absolutely survive! Those who do not will not survive.

From Mozi, Chapter 32, "Non-Pleasure (Part 1)" — an absolute must-read!

This sentence means that people can absolutely survive on their own, and they can do it with strength!

I'm happy to say that people who understand the need to please others are not "mentally ill."

It's just that being too kind and too fond of considering things from other people's perspectives makes you like to seek outside help, act according to other people's wishes, and care about other people's feelings, while neglecting to take care of your own emotions. But here's the good news! You can learn to strike a balance between being kind and taking care of yourself.

Kindness also needs a sharp edge and a bottom line—and it's a wonderful thing when you find them!

We grow together!

I wish the world

I love you, world! And I love you, too!

Hello, question asker!

From your description, it's clear you have a lot of emotions inside, as well as a great ability to perceive and the courage to face your own problems. Most importantly, you know you can become better, and that's the path to change!

I'm so excited to hear more about what happened! When did you not feel this way? What were you doing at the time, and in what kind of situation?

What is the strength that supports you? What makes you choose to find a breakthrough in such an uncomfortable situation?

These are all resources for you! You just need to be aware of them.

You describe yourself as unable to be alone, always concerned about what other people think, always wanting to cling to your boyfriend, and a bit sensitive. You want to get rid of this uncomfortable feeling, and I'm here to help you do just that!

I want to tell you something really important: most people feel this way, and I have too. But it's not entirely our fault; it may have something to do with the education and living environment of our family of origin.

When you become aware and start looking for a breakthrough, you are already on the path to change! I have had similar experiences, and although I am not doing well now, I feel much stronger than before.

Based on my experience of adjustment, I'm thrilled to give you some advice that I hope will help!

First, find a hobby to boost your inner strength!

The good news is that we can change the situation by improving our self-confidence. And we can do that by learning about our interests and hobbies and gaining a sense of accomplishment.

I'm going to use my own experience to show you that I've never been very confident since I was a child. I was especially anxious when I turned 20. I've always been interested in psychology. I haven't learned much better now, but I studied hypnosis in 2010. When I did hypnosis on my own, it was the first time in my life that I smiled from the bottom of my heart. It was also the first time I spoke on the podium without being nervous or stuttering.

I highly recommend that you find a hobby! When we focus on our hobbies, we gain a sense of accomplishment, which helps us build a certain level of confidence. But once we are confident, everything else becomes less important!

Second, accept and embrace yourself!

In fact, when I don't feel this way, it's because we haven't gained a certain sense of security. So sometimes we always focus on other people's expressions and words, and ignore our own feelings. But I want to change! In fact, I hope you can try to allow and accept yourself. When you allow and accept yourself, it shows that you can respect your own feelings and love yourself. And when we love ourselves enough, we gain the strength inside to not be disturbed by others. We can also become independent in character. When dealing with others, we will have certain boundaries, and we can gain a certain respect and love.

Then, go exercise!

I'm so excited to tell you all about the amazing benefits of exercise! It's been proven that exercise is the best way to relieve anxiety. When I was 20 years old, I was really struggling with anxiety and experiencing some pretty intense symptoms like palpitations, heart palpitations, and insomnia. But then, something incredible happened! I started studying psychology and discovered the power of exercise to relieve anxiety. It's been a total game-changer for me! Every time I exercise, I feel happy and don't think too much. And here's the best part: when we exercise, our brain secretes dopamine, which produces a sense of pleasure. It's not just a way to release emotions, but also to experience that comfortable, happy feeling!

Next, compare only with yourself — and see how far you can go!

In your description, you also envy the ease and freedom of others, which is totally normal! It's because we don't see our own advantages, we're not very confident, but in the process of changing, we should try to observe our own advantages and progress, and not compare ourselves with others, but with our past selves.

For example, I'm 32 years old and have accomplished so much! Compared to the person I was two years ago, I'm more at peace with myself, I'm slowly gaining some self-confidence, I'm willing to believe in myself, and I'm willing to do things for the long term. This is change! I don't compare myself to others, saying that everyone else at this age is married with children, has money and a career, while I have nothing. Instead, I focus on how much progress I've made compared to before, and it fills me with confidence that I will get better and better. So I suggest you compare yourself to yourself, what you have improved today compared to yesterday, and what you will have done tomorrow compared to today. These are some ways to boost our self-confidence and give us the strength to stop being anxious!

Now for the best part: have the courage to believe in yourself!

I know that when you have these emotions, you might feel like you can't do it, that you can't get better. But I want to tell you that if we really want to change, we can! In psychological terms, we are experts in motivating ourselves to solve our own problems. When we believe in ourselves, we have the strength and courage to do it and try.

And finally, seek help from external resources!

The famous psychologist Adler once said, "The lucky ones are healed by their childhood, while the unfortunate ones spend their whole lives healing their childhood." Perhaps we didn't receive enough love, acceptance, and care as children, but there's no need to worry! We can seek help from external resources to overcome these challenges.

Here you can seek help from professional counselors who will use professional psychological techniques to delve into the roots of the subconscious, giving us a safe, inclusive, and loving environment where we can grow with strength!

Absolutely! You can also join the study of psychology, grow while learning, and heal yourself.

I highly recommend the book Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychologist. There is a fantastic saying in this book: "Life heals all those who are willing to be healed." When you came here, I could tell you had some longing and expectations. So from now on, as long as you don't give up and firmly believe that you will get better and better, then everything will get better and better. We must learn to accept and believe in ourselves, and enhance our self-confidence.

Hello.

From your description, it's clear you possess some of the characteristics of a pleasing personality. These include putting the feelings of others first, suppressing your own feelings and needs, caring about other people's comments and opinions, and having no self-thoughts or opinions.

Such personalities are often the result of inappropriate educational methods in the original family or acquired environmental influences.

You need to:

[1] Put your own feelings and needs first.

This is not selfish behavior. It is a manifestation of taking responsibility for oneself and one's life. Loving oneself begins with prioritizing oneself. Only when we take care of ourselves can we do other things well.

[2] Learn to separate issues and not care about other people's opinions.

In this case, everyone has their own topics to take responsibility for and their own things to take care of. It's crucial to understand that it's impossible to take into account everyone's opinions. Caring about other people's opinions will only lead to us losing the opportunity to be ourselves and following others without our own thoughts.

[3] Learn to recognize and name your negative emotions.

Identify the root cause of your anxiety. Are you anxious about uncertain things, sad, or unable to feel happy because you're full of negative energy? Learn to recognize your emotions and understand their triggers.

[4] Set appropriate goals and plans.

I will make a plan for the next step and implement it step by step. I can also learn to adjust to my current state, talk to loved ones and friends, or seek the help of a counselor.

You can easily find the meaning of life. All you have to do is learn to be aware of your own state, identify which part of it is not good, adjust it, set corresponding goals and plans, and you will gradually become better.

Hello!

Hey there! I saw your story and wanted to give you a pat on the shoulder. I totally get it. I didn't know how to discover my true self either, and I ended up losing my independence and autonomy. It's so hard when that happens because it makes you even more dependent on others, which leads to a vicious cycle in life.

1. It would be really great for you if you could find ways to be independent and autonomous and achieve personal independence.

People with a lovely personality are not all incapable of being independent and autonomous. They just tend to put the needs of others before their own and suppress their own feelings. This can lead to an increase in negative emotions and difficulties in forming positive interpersonal relationships. However, in the case of the questioner, it's more common to find it challenging to be independent and autonomous in life and to rely on others to fulfill their inner needs. For example, they may bundle happiness and pain with their boyfriend. If he treats them well, they'll be happy, but if something unexpected happens, they may feel dissatisfied and unhappy. However, in order to maintain the relationship, they may still be hesitant to express their emotions. This can lead to a very negative and dependent personality. The questioner may benefit from stepping out of their own independent life and clearly delineating the boundaries between themselves and others. This can help to ensure their life remains emotionally stable and they maintain control.

2. It's so important to learn to pay attention to your own needs and feelings, and to give yourself the utmost care and encouragement.

When I feel rejected by my boyfriend, I want to break up with him. When he goes to do the things he likes, goes to the places he likes, and eats the things he likes, I feel both envious and sad. I envy him because he knows what he wants, loves life, and loves himself. I feel sad because I think he can get by just fine without me. Now I'm on edge every day, as if I'm doing everything to make others happy. I've lost my self-evaluation system, my sense of self, and my sense of self-awareness. I just want other people to be happy. I feel empty inside, very tense, very nervous, and very anxious... I don't want to do anything, and I don't want to talk to new people.

I agree with the original poster that there is a certain satisfaction in pleasing oneself, but ultimately, it's about fulfilling your own needs. But is this really what your heart desires? From the description you later shared, I could sense your confusion and sense of loneliness, which shows that there might be a bit of a disconnect between what you truly want and what you're currently doing. If you want to make some changes, the first step is to shift your thinking about getting what you need from relying on others to doing it on your own. At this point, you might feel more comfortable sharing your inner thoughts and feelings with others, because independent people can all be responsible for their own emotions, and their boyfriends will not always put their needs first. This can lead to some challenges, but it's a natural part of growth. Learning to respect yourself and giving yourself the greatest care and encouragement first is the foundation for a person to truly be respected and trusted by others.

I'm sending you lots of good luck and encouragement! You've got this!

Hello! I've read your text carefully and I totally get where you're coming from. I think the best way to start is to focus on solving your anxiety.

First, you need to calm your mind and relax. When you're relaxed, you can think clearly and stop daydreaming. I suggest you visit a professional psychiatrist to test your anxiety level. If it's high, you can take anti-anxiety medication as prescribed. If it's low, you can skip taking medication.

We all need a little help sometimes, and that's okay! You can reduce stress by taking care of yourself.

Next, I'll introduce you to some basic ways to be autonomous. The best thing you can do is go for a walk or a run! If you're not used to exercising, find an activity you don't dislike and stick with it. You need to exercise at least three times a week until you're slightly out of breath.

If you already exercise regularly, you might want to consider increasing the amount of exercise you do. You can also relax by listening to music.

You can also search online for ways to relax yourself, try them out for yourself, and use effective methods to cope when you feel anxious. I'm here for you if you need any help!

And finally, if you can, choose a sport with a team so you can make friends while you're exercising. And don't be afraid to say yes to a get-together with new friends!

You've got this! As long as you push yourself out of your comfort zone, you'll see gradual improvement. I'm cheering you on!