Better express anger, why do I always resort to cold violence?

I can tell you're anxious. Many people say there's truth to the seven-year itch in marriage. When you got married, you had a beautiful vision of marriage and life. You were tolerant and understanding, willing to sacrifice for each other. But as time went on, the daily grind filled our lives, and passion slowly wore away. Many problems came to light. It's normal to have a conflict-prone marriage. But it's important to know how to solve problems. The last thing you want in a marriage is cold violence, which is especially hurtful. Over time, it hurts both you and your partner. I don't know if you have children. If you do, it would be harmful to your children to grow up in a marriage where their parents are cold and violent. Since you've realized cold violence is wrong, we can make changes. For example, you can write a letter to your loved one, telling him your grievances and expectations. This way, you can calm your emotions while writing the letter.

Talk to a friend, go for a run, and wait until both sides have calmed down. You can even argue with...

Hello! I'm sending you a warm hug from afar.

I commend you for recognizing your tendency to approach conflicts in your marriage with a cold and violent attitude. Awareness is the first step towards positive change, and I admire your willingness to confront this issue head-on.

Most people's ways of handling conflicts in marriage are basically a replication of how their parents handled conflicts in their intimate relationships. This is especially true if they have not learned the skills to better manage their intimate relationships and marriage and are not aware of the way they handle marital conflicts.

From your description, it is clear that you have gained a clear awareness of the way you handle conflicts in your marriage. Use this self-awareness to intentionally adjust your emotional state and enhance your feelings.

Take deep breaths to calm down and understand your emotions. This will help you manage your anger and explore the hidden needs behind it.

When you feel calm enough and have some awareness of the needs behind your emotions, you can tell your husband how you feel. You can be honest and direct about what you want. You can tell him you want to be treated in a way that makes you feel loved, understood, and supported.

Read "Intimacy" and "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." You will improve your ability to manage intimate relationships through active self-growth and gain a harmonious and happy marriage.

I am Lily, the little ear of the Q&A Museum. The world and I love you.

Good morning,

It is evident that the questioner is experiencing a complex emotional state, characterised by feelings of love and confusion. In the context of intimate relationships, expectations are often formed in the heart, yet when circumstances deviate from these expectations, individuals may resort to expressing their needs in ways that are contrary to their original intent, leading to unintended consequences. Frustration arises as a result, yet the questioner is uncertain about the most appropriate course of action.

How do you maintain a healthy and productive intimate relationship?

The term "intimate relationship" is defined as a connection between two individuals. This connection can have a significant impact on our emotional state. It has the potential to enhance our capacity for love, but it can also cause distress. It is a complex phenomenon. Managing an intimate relationship is akin to effectively utilizing this "double-edged sword." It requires the ability to "master" the double-edged sword while also understanding how to use it correctly, ensuring that the relationship is not negatively affected.

Please describe your understanding of how you habitually use "cold violence."

Cold violence is an innate ability that can be triggered in response to challenging situations. It is a natural reflex that can be employed as a means of self-defense or as a form of resistance and rebellion. Its lethal nature can be used to compel the other party to reconsider their actions and reach a point where they are willing to initiate peace and improve the relationship.

In summary, cold violence is the result of two factors: a lack of effective communication skills and an inability to influence others.

Please take the time to reflect on why you often use cold violence to solve problems.

What is the best way to regulate unhealthy cold-violent communication methods?

As with all successful businesses, even the most dysfunctional families have a number of shared characteristics. In order to run a happy family, it is essential to have the wisdom and commitment to address the underlying issues and work towards a more constructive way of interacting with one another.

It is essential to enhance communication methods and refine communication skills.

One's own poor communication skills are the root cause of cold violence. It is essential to recognize the harm that cold violence inflicts on the family unit. It not only disrupts the harmonious atmosphere within the family but also causes irreparable damage to the relationship. Its presence is a clear indication of rejection, disregard, and a lack of consideration for the other person's feelings. In such a scenario, the initial issue that required attention is often overlooked, leading to a situation where the other person's actions are met with heightened sensitivity, resulting in an exaggerated perception of the problem and a negative evaluation of the other person.

If you wish to alter an unproductive approach to conflict resolution, it is essential to transition to a more mature method of communication. This entails guiding your partner from a higher perspective and recognizing your own authentic inner needs. This will prompt your partner to recognize their own needs and be more inclined to respond constructively.

It is important to understand your partner's perspective and to accept each other's differences.

If there were a magnifying glass for life, no one would be able to hide from such "nit-picking." Instead, they would become angry and unable to summon their energy. Our partners will feel this "magnifying glass" effect when they enter into an argument in the face of cold violence or a lack of understanding. They will feel left out, ignored, unable to show their charm, and their energy will be almost depleted.

The primary issue is the cognitive style of the self-conscious individual, which tends to attribute blame externally or prioritize one's own emotions. This approach hinders mutual understanding and communication. It is essential to strive for empathy and to recognize your partner's need for intimacy. He may seek understanding, appreciation, and attention. As a wife, you can demonstrate kindness and gentleness, express your affection for your partner, and tolerate his shortcomings. This will encourage your partner to be more open and willing to make changes.

It is important to develop self-awareness and emotional control.

Emotions are more a product of sensibility than reason, which can result in volatility in intimate relationships. Impulsive emotions can lead to regrettable decisions and the trivialization of minor issues.

To avoid such potential issues, individuals in intimate relationships must prioritize self-awareness. While emotions can be impulsive, a heightened level of awareness can help mitigate shortcomings, facilitate relationship ease, and foster a more dynamic and mutually beneficial intimate relationship, allowing for personal growth along the way.

I recommend Christopher Moon's book, "Intimacy."

I wish you the best of luck. Stay positive!

Hug the questioner.

From your message, I can tell you are unhappy with your current marital status and anxious. You also realize this approach is not conducive to your relationship and want to change. However, you feel your inner feelings are not understood or released, and you feel helpless.

First, a marriage must be solved by both partners together. This is impossible without communication and exchanges between them. Open up to your husband and talk to each other about your problems and feelings. This will increase mutual understanding.

It would be beneficial for the two of you to agree and work together on this issue.

Second, when you are angry, you will subconsciously choose to be cold and violent. This is normal. Everyone expresses anger differently. If you don't want to talk or ignore the other person, that's fine. When your emotions subside, you can express your feelings to the other person. Tell her that when you are angry, you don't want to talk. At this time, I also hope that the other person will not disturb me and give me a little time to digest my emotions.

If you want to be comforted, say so. It's important to understand that getting along with others often requires expressing yourself and avoiding making the other person guess. It's difficult for someone to guess what you're thinking.

No one can understand your mind perfectly, so let's try a different approach. Let's express our thoughts and feelings in a way that is needed so that when you are in a bad mood, he can better understand you.

Third, regarding your anxiety and depression, I'm not sure about the specific reasons and events, but it's clear from your message that you are a relatively introverted person who is not good at expressing yourself. You keep a lot of things to yourself, but you are currently aware that you have some problems in this area. You just don't know how to change.

When we're in a bad mood and angry, we can also try other ways to vent. Some people, for example, spend, buy clothes, or go to the beauty salon when they get angry.

You can ignore the other person, but you also need to let out your negative emotions. Or, you can go to a karaoke bar and sing your heart out.

Don't worry about other people's stares. Do what you feel is right for you, and don't concern yourself with other people's feelings. First, focus on making yourself better, and then think about other people.

We are first and foremost ourselves, and then we take on the roles of wife and mother.

You can do this. Let go of your inner unease and concerns. Work hard to become the person you want to be.

You can do it. You are good, you are excellent, you are kind, and you will become that person you want to be.

The world and I love you, and I will always be by your side.

Hello, question asker! I'm so happy to answer your question.

From what you've shared, it seems like you might be struggling with depression and anxiety. I'm wondering if you've had a chance to talk to a doctor about it? And does your spouse know about your struggles?

I'm sure these two conditions are really affecting your life, right? You've been married for seven years and have been arguing non-stop for the past three. If so, how did you and your spouse meet when you first started dating?

I'd love to know more about how you and your partner first started communicating with each other.

It's great that the questioner wants to change the way they communicate. I think we can all agree that cold violence and silence just lead to more and more conflicts and misunderstandings. So I'll give the questioner a pat on the shoulder and some encouragement. I hope that when he talks to his loved one, he can communicate his thoughts more effectively.

It's not a quarrel that should make you afraid in an intimate relationship, but rather the cold violence that can follow. It seems like the questioner chose to use silence to solve the problem after the quarrel. Do you think the problem has been solved? Women often like to argue with you over trivial matters, while men are naturally more reserved and don't like to explain too many reasons. Coupled with the pressure of work and the influence of illness, they are also not willing to argue with their wives over trivial matters. More often than not, they choose to remain silent, which slowly becomes a kind of cold violence, with each other not paying attention to the other. Over time, the relationship between husband and wife will definitely have problems.

It's totally normal for couples to argue. When you do, take a deep breath and then talk to your partner about what you were thinking at the time. Would this way of communicating be better? We men often seem more rational than women when we're arguing, and we know that continuing to argue like this will only make things worse. So a short cold war is a great way to resolve things, because it gives both of you time to calm down and think things through.

Of course, after you've had a chance to calm down, it's important to take the initiative to communicate. Otherwise, you might end up alienating the relationship between the two of you and, to a certain extent, harming the emotional life of your couple.

I'm so sorry for the delay in my response! I can only give you some simple advice since the question was asked on a platform.

It's so important to be aware of the way you and your partner communicate.

The questioner said, "The two of us often argue, and a lot of the time I get into a cold-violence state out of habit in order to express my anger. But I realize that when I notice a conflict, I'm very angry, and only cold violence can express my inner anger..." I wonder what kind of communication model the questioner and his lover use?

In Satir family systems, there are several models in the system of communication between husband and wife. I'd love to give the questioner a brief introduction:

(1) The blaming type is trying to show that it is not their fault and to distance themselves from the threat of stress. Blame-seekers tend to ignore the thoughts of others, value their own feelings, and follow rules and logic that benefit them.

(2) The ultra-rational type is always thinking about things in a logical way. They're very objective and only care about whether things are reasonable. They tend to avoid feelings and stress, which can sometimes cause distress. The ultra-rational person may not always consider the feelings of others or their own feelings. They focus on the logic of the situation.

(3) Interrupting: It can be so frustrating when your loved one interrupts you, talks over you, ignores your emotions, avoids the problem, and never gets to the point.

When you're communicating with a loved one, it's important to be aware of the communication patterns you and your partner are using. If you notice that you or your partner is using one of the patterns mentioned above, it might be helpful to take a moment to reflect on what's going on and what might be causing you discomfort.

A person's "self" is like an iceberg. What we can see is only a very small part of the surface (behavior), while the larger part of the inner world is hidden at a deeper level and not visible to others. When the questioner and their loved one communicate with each other, it would be really lovely if they could mutually perceive each other's emotions and feelings!

I'd love to know if there's sincere communication that takes into account the lover or the questioner and the situation.

Have you ever wondered what the perfect intimate relationship looks like?

I'd love to share my thoughts on what the perfect intimate relationship between a husband and wife could be. I'm happy to chat with you about it if you'd like!

(1) Happy sex: It's so important to have a happy sex life with your partner. When you're happy in the bedroom, it makes it easier to be intimate with each other.

(2) Ideal relationship: It would be lovely if the relationship between a husband and wife was relatively good and harmonious, so that their marriage could last a long time.

(3) Real life: It's so important for couples to have a happy, fulfilling life together, and that includes having a realistic, more material foundation. We all face financial challenges in life, and it's so important for couples to support each other through these challenges.

But no matter what the above three points are like, having a foundation is the most important thing for both parties to live a harmonious life. That is communication between the husband and wife. Whether it is sex, emotions, or real life, it is inseparable from communication between the husband and wife. It's so important to remember not to be self-righteous, not to take things for granted, and not to assume that the other person understands you. You should be confident in expressing your feelings, your current state, and what you want from your lover. All of this is so connected to communication between the questioner and their lover. Silence and cold violence will only lead to greater misunderstandings.

I'm so happy you asked this question! It's a great one. I think the answer is that there are many elements that contribute to a perfect intimate relationship.

Let's dive into the elements of a perfect intimate relationship!

So, what is considered a perfect intimate relationship? What are the elements involved?

I'd love to know what you think! What kind of elements do couples need for perfect intimacy?

(1) Mutual understanding: It's so important for both partners to understand each other's likes, strengths, and personalities. When they understand each other, it creates a wonderful foundation for communication.

(2) Mutual concern. When a couple first meets, they're both really interested in getting to know each other. They're probably wondering if the other person has eaten, slept, fallen ill, or encountered any problems. They probably want to be glued to each other 24 hours a day!

Now that you're all settled in together, I'm wondering if the atmosphere of care is still as strong as it was before? It might be helpful for the questioner to be aware of this.

(3) Mutual dependence. As the saying goes, the man is in charge of the outside world and the woman is in charge of the home. Although we have now entered a new era, it's so important for both husband and wife to rely more on each other, both emotionally and in terms of daily life. Don't you think that the two people living under the same roof should be more interdependent?

(4) Consistency: It's so important for couples to be consistent in their lives, emotions, and interests. Having common topics of conversation and shared interests is a great way to build an intimate relationship that will last.

(5) Trust: A husband and wife living together are arguably the two people closest to each other, and they should trust each other. It's so important to have trust in your partner! If you don't have trust, it can be really hard to have an intimate relationship as a couple and live together.

(6) Loyalty: It's so important for a husband and wife living together to be loyal to each other. After all, what's the point of living together if one is always thinking of someone else?

I truly believe that if you do the six things I mentioned above, the current situation of the questioner will change for the better.

I really hope my answer can help the questioner!

Dear questioner,

I am grateful to have had the opportunity to connect with you on the Yiyi Psychology platform.

I would like to thank the original poster for their self-awareness and for raising this important topic for discussion: Why do I always resort to cold violence when expressing anger?

I am grateful for the opportunity to reflect on this topic and learn more. I would also like to share my thoughts and understanding in the hope that they may be of some use to the questioner.

I believe that the following perceptions can be drawn from the questioner's narrative:

Let's take a moment to sort out the specific situation described by the questioner and try to interpret and analyze it together.

I have been married for seven years, and for the past three years, our marriage has been going through a challenging period, with more and more conflicts. We don't fully understand each other, and we fight a lot. Often, in order to express my anger, I tend to resort to cold violence. Over time, I have come to realize that this is not the best approach. First, it doesn't give me the freedom I need within myself, and it also deepens the problems between husband and wife. But when I find a contradiction, I feel very angry, and only cold violence can express my inner anger. I want to make a change, but I'm not sure what to do.

I also have to mention that I suffer from depression and anxiety.

From the questioner's narrative, we can gain insight into the following perceptions:

From the questioner's narrative, it seems that after seven years of marriage, discord has arisen in the past three years, and there have been more and more conflicts. The two often argue with each other, which could indicate an "extreme communication/irrational communication" pattern.

[2] It would be helpful to understand whether the questioner realizes that when he expresses anger, he is habitually entering a "cold and violent state." Could the "cold and violent state" the questioner is referring to mean not expressing anger, not speaking, or keeping silent?

It is possible that the questioner is simply expressing their anger. Could it be that there is an underlying expectation or longing for the other person or a need that has not yet been met?

[3] Over time, it gradually becomes clear that "cold violence" may involve a lack of communication, which could potentially lead to the conflict or disagreement between the two people not being resolved.

[5] If you say that encountering a conflict triggers anger, and you use the "cold violence" mode to express your anger and release your emotions, it could be perceived that the questioner's emotions have been released. However, the "conflict/disagreement" between the two people still exists.

It is encouraging to see that the questioner has recognized the need for change and is seeking to move away from the "cold violence method/mode" of responding to conflicts. Instead, they are exploring ways to address emotional anger in a more constructive manner when encountering disagreements.

[6] Might I inquire as to whether the problem owner has been diagnosed with depression or anxiety? Have you experienced low mood in recent years? When faced with conflicts or disagreements in the past, could you please describe the communication style between the couple?

It might be helpful to consider whether the anger that arises after the depression or anxiety is a manifestation of cold violence. If it wasn't cold violence before and has only recently become so, it could be that it's related to the depression or anxiety.

(Specific details would be helpful to clarify...)

In view of the above practical situation, if you would like to consider responding in a different way when you encounter conflicts or disagreements in a relationship, you might try responding in this way:

First, it might be helpful to accept your own expression of anger through "cold violence" when encountering "conflicts/disagreements" in your marriage. Additionally, it could be beneficial to try to understand the ins and outs of your original "cold violence" pattern.

[1] It may be the case that individuals who are adept at "cold violence" when confronted with anger did not have the opportunity to develop the skills required to express their emotions and demands during their upbringing. As a result, they may find it challenging to accept and cope with the negative emotions that arise within themselves, and may lack the knowledge and confidence to express them effectively.

For instance, in the context of the original family or the environment in which one is growing up, expressing dissatisfaction as a child may result in criticism and rejection. Over time, this can lead to a tendency to reject negative emotions and to diminish one's own sense of self when they arise.

[2] It is important to remember that emotions are a normal and innate expression, including anger. Those who have not learned to express anger may find themselves thinking not of communication and change, but of "learning" and "solidifying" a pattern of repressing their negative emotions when they feel aggrieved, tired, dissatisfied, or angry. While they may feel aggrieved psychologically, to outsiders it can seem that all that is left is an unhealthy expression of cold violence.

[3] It is possible that the negative emotions that have built up have reached a point where they are difficult to bear. When our hearts accumulate a lot of dissatisfaction, resentment, and anger, but we cannot express it in words, do we become quiet and cold, and even violent? In psychology, this is actually an expression of aggression: I'm suffering so much, I want you to feel the same pain!

Secondly, it would be helpful to become aware of when you use "cold violence." You may wish to consider learning and practising ways to change it, and ultimately find the best method that suits you and "consolidate" it into your behaviour pattern in the relationship.

[1] As the questioner is aware, when there is a "conflict" in the marriage, he or she may resort to "cold violence" as a means of dealing with the other person. However, this kind of "cold violence" is distinct from "silence." Being able to clearly recognize that this kind of "cold violence" is a common form of poor communication in intimate relationships, like other forms of violence, can have adverse mental and psychological effects on others. The main manifestations are indifference, contempt, permissiveness, alienation, and indifference.

It is also important to avoid simply remaining silent.

[2] When you realize that you are using "cold violence," it may be helpful to take a moment to calm down, identify your inner needs, and then try to express your feelings and expectations of your partner using the method of "Nonviolent Communication." It's also important to recognize that even the current "cold violence" is a behavior that can be changed.

[3] When a conflict arises, it is beneficial for both parties to learn how to manage and control their emotions. By communicating without emotions, it may be possible to resolve the conflict. Both parties can benefit from learning how to resolve conflicts in a marriage, which can contribute to personal growth in the relationship. By working together to improve the original communication model in the relationship, a new communication model can be established.

[4] The questioner displays a commendable level of self-awareness and is open to exploring ways to enhance their understanding. For instance, fostering a deeper comprehension of oneself and others can facilitate positive change. The questioner is receptive to growth and has already embarked on a journey of self-discovery. Learning to read can also be a valuable pursuit. Some recommended resources include "How to Practice in Love," "The Five Languages of Love," and "Growing in Intimacy by Learning to Love." Seeking guidance from a professional psychological teacher could also prove beneficial in navigating challenges and making necessary adjustments.

In summary, these are my understanding and response to the original poster's question. It is my hope that they will bring some positive and helpful inspiration and help to the original poster. It is my hope that the original poster will be able to have a more mature and healthy marital relationship and be able to deal with the "conflicts and disagreements" in the relationship well. It is my wish that your family will be happy and prosperous!

I hope this finds you well.

I am a person who is generally optimistic and positive, and I extend my love and best wishes to the world and to you. ?

Hello.

Why do I always express my anger with cold violence? What if it affects my marriage?

Why do you express anger with cold violence? Your family of origin can tell you.

Do your parents use cold violence to deal with problems? Do they respond in a way that gives you the results you want, or do they temporarily avoid emotional confrontations?

Cold violence has some benefits, which is why you use it.

However, when you get married, you find that cold violence doesn't work anymore. It doesn't get the results you want, which is bad for married life. You've been used to this way of cold violence since childhood, so you don't know how to make changes.

But life is a process of trial and error. There is no way to express anger that is always right. We are used to expressing anger with cold violence, but after the emotion has passed, we can think: What did I want the other person to do with that cold violence?

What can I do to achieve my goal?

If that doesn't work, keep trying. You'll find that things get easier.

The best way for couples to solve problems and stay happy is to be honest. If your partner makes you sad or angry, tell them.

I hope you can be happy.