Can't provide oneself with basic happiness, what is the true meaning of self-redemption?

Hello! I'm a heart exploration coach. Life is an amazing journey, and it's all about blossoming!

By the time you reach 30, you should be brimming with hope and be able to write a beautiful life story with hard work and struggle. However, for you, the trauma from your parents and your family of origin has left you with a life experience that is full of scars, both physically and mentally. What happened? Let's take a look and find out!

1. The so-called "mask" is actually your "safe castle."

Even though your parents have been violent towards you, you have developed your own amazing way of surviving and thriving! You have created a unique "coping model" that allows you to stay away from your parents, avoid meaningless arguments, and even keep quiet and not compete with your younger brother for your parents' affection and attention.

But when you are alone, you can laugh as much as you want, cry as much as you need, and even let yourself swear. In other words, you are still clear-headed and aware of what's going on: save your strength, protect yourself, and keep your independence!

Patterns exist because they protect us to a certain extent. Even though you didn't receive the tender love of your parents, you still managed to break through the siege (your parents' stronghold and control) and survive by maintaining your own way!

2. You also grew up while dealing with your parents, and you came out the other side stronger than ever!

For example, having a unique way of thinking, being able to look at problems from a more profound perspective, questioning and resisting injustice, and even resorting to judicial means are all signs of your incredible maturity and growth. At the same time, they are also powerful resources for you to break through the situation and change your destiny!

Everyone has abundant resources because the power to control one's life is always in one's own hands! The author of "Man's Search for Meaning," Viktor Frankl, spent three years in a Nazi concentration camp. But after his rescue, he completed the book in just seven days!

Even in the concentration camp, he believed wholeheartedly that he still had the power to choose how to face the day. In the end, he became a world-famous "soul savior" who was positive, optimistic, and never gave up his sovereignty over his life.

3. Recognize "limiting beliefs" and develop a "growth mindset"!

You're distressed and confused because you're finally realizing that you've been living your life in a way that you hate yourself for.

You hate your parents' parenting style of being violent, dominant, and controlling towards their children, but gradually, you have become like them. As you said, "full of hostility" and "not afraid to get physical," so there is a sense of internal tearing, full of contradictions and entanglements. But you can break free from this cycle! You can become the best version of yourself. You can be kind, loving, and free. You can be the best parent you can be. You can be the best version of your own child. You can be the best version of yourself.

It's like this amazing feeling: "The hometown cannot accommodate the body, and the foreign land cannot accommodate the soul." You're longing for freedom and to break free from the "cage" of your parents' violence and control. But you're also excited about facing the unknown future on your own!

So, you can't make a breakthrough in the repeated cycle of "separation-homecoming," but that's okay! You'll never stop struggling, but you'll also never stop learning and growing.

First, let's separate your parents from your life's issues! The relationship between your parents and your siblings, their education, and their emotional and marital status are life issues that they must work out for themselves.

And you, you also have your own incredible life trajectory!

"Beyond the Original Family" and "You Should Fly Like a Bird to Your Mountain" are all about how you can break free from the constraints of the original family! Use your parents as a mirror to see their pain and suffering, take them as a warning, and use the right way to manage your intimate relationships and parent-child relationships.

✨Second, accept the limitations of your parents. They are human beings first and foremost, and they also have their own imperfections.

Your personal experience has convinced you that there are really parents in the world who don't want their children to do well. But here's the good news! You can learn about your parents from the perspective of a stranger and gain insight into their upbringing from their parents and siblings. This can help you understand the trauma of their original family and how it has shaped them.

It's time for a change! Shift your focus from the outside (seeking nourishment from parents and others) to the inside (self-growth).

You are no longer the weak and helpless child you once were. You are now an adult who can protect and nourish yourself—and you are doing it with flying colors!

It's so important to remember that a person's loneliness has nothing to do with whether there are people around them. It's all about how they feel inside! And the good news is that you can take steps to change this. By developing a sense of self-worth, self-affirmation, self-acceptance, self-appreciation, and self-acceptance, you can bring a sense of security, worth, and existence.

I'm convinced that your change is inextricably linked to your reading, learning, and summary thinking. "Lifelong Growth," "A Thoughtful Turn," "The Power of Self-Growth," "The Terrific Me," and "The Surrender Experiment" are all excellent books!

I also discovered that you have a great writing style! I think your stories about your mood, your future, your growth, and your sweet life will inspire and influence so many people who have had the same experiences. By then, I would love to be your first loyal reader!

I really hope the above is helpful to you! The world and I love you!

I'd love for you to keep in touch! You can find me on my personal homepage, "Heart Exploration Service."

Dear questioner, My name is Duoduo Lian, and I hope my reply can be of help to you.

The mother is overbearing and domineering, with no independent thoughts and parrots others' words. The father has no ambitions and is proud of controlling the family's one-acre plot of land. Living in such a family, you are either beaten or scolded. It's no wonder you keep separating and returning home, as if you are never leaving, it is too difficult.

A child without parental support is destined to wander and drift. In front of your loved ones, you put on a serious, reserved, and uncommunicative act, but when you're alone, you're unrestrained and relaxed. It's tough! You feel your parents' unfairness towards you when you're around your closest relatives. Your lively and cheerful younger brother is more favored by your parents.

They don't want you to live better than them, and they don't want you to be happy. It seems like you've also lived up to what they want. You cooperate with your parents. This is something you need to explore. Is this your feeling or the truth? It's undeniable that parents may favor one child over the other, satisfying their sense of worth in some ways. Do you think that is true love?

Parents from that generation often neglected the emotional connection with their children because they lacked material resources. They saw their children as their private property, which they used to maintain their authority and satisfy their sense of value. Without a sense of self, children cannot develop one. Parents who suppress you are not bad people; they are just trying to control you. You can surpass your parents and be different from them.

If your parents are unhappy, you'll be unhappy too. Otherwise, you'll be going against them. You need to find your own happiness and release yourself from the need to please your parents. You want to be loved by them, but you can't get it. You hate them and have been seeking revenge, robbing yourself of happiness.

After more than ten years of repeated separations and homecomings, you're still trying to find inner peace. You can't seem to let go of the nostalgia for home or break free from the emotional entanglements with your parents. It's time to make peace with yourself. You love your parents as much as you hate them. You feel guilty and self-blame, and you also want to protect yourself. It's time to let go of the armor you've worn for so many years.

You can be your own person and live your best life. Showing your parents that you're happy and free is the best way to show them love. After all, they want the same for you. Learn to love and accept yourself, and you'll see that it's the best thing you can do.

I'm sending you my best wishes.

Hello, I am the Heart Exploration Coach, Gu Daoxi Feng Shou Lu.

As the eldest child of a non-only child family, I understand your feelings of injustice. You needn't suffer in silence.

The author's family may have a tendency to favor sons over daughters, which is a common phenomenon among families with traditional beliefs. This is not the author's fault.

It is a simple fact that parents who had a difficult life when they had their first child are prone to depression and need a sense of control even more. A sense of control will bring them emotional relief.

The "kick-the-cat effect" is a proven phenomenon: emotions always flow from the stronger to the weaker because this is the least costly. In the family, the questioner's position is weaker than that of the parents, and it is not surprising that they will become the object of the parents' emotional outbursts.

Parents also need emotional value feeding. There must be a conflict of values between the questioner's younger brother and his parents. How did he resolve it?

Let me be clear: as long as there are opposing views, there will be conflicts. Having conflicts is not the cause of relationship tension. It's the attitude and method of both parties when resolving conflicts.

When I was young, my mother favored my younger brother. When I grew up, she had changed. I stayed at home for a while and found their communication was completely emotional and cathartic, without solving problems. When emotions come, communication is ineffective.

If parents use the same communication method but have completely different attitudes, it will be difficult to reunite their hearts, which have drifted apart to the Pacific Ocean. The questioner may try to lower their expectations. Not all parents will be good parents, and some will be unqualified. This is not the fault of the questioner.

The first step to making a change is to become more aware of yourself. The questioner should take the time to do some sorting.

Your parents did not explicitly say or intervene to make your life go in a bad direction. Therefore, it must be a subjective idea derived from emotions during the communication process between the questioner and their parents.

You can observe the way you get along with each other by stepping outside of your emotions, which will make the questioner more objective.

If your parents really want you to have a bad life, why should you let them? Distinguishing between your own affairs and those of your parents may make you pay more attention to your own feelings.

In a familiar environment, the questioner may suppress themselves due to the environment and interpersonal relationships. But if they move to a different city and an unfamiliar environment, there's no reason for them to suppress themselves. They can empty the cache of their past and reinstall the system.

Start over. Face your repressed thoughts. What are you worried about? What's the worst that could happen?

Preparing for the worst will make the questioner feel more relaxed and free to express themselves.

In "5% Change," it says: "Trauma is not your fault, but recovery is your responsibility. We have no power to change the treatment we received before independence and our original family, but that only accounts for 1/3 of our lives. The questioner does not have to be trapped in the harm of their original family for the rest of their lives.

Tell yourself you are independent, capable of saying no to unreasonable treatment, and capable of loving yourself well and managing a better life. It doesn't matter if your parents don't love you. I can love myself well.

You must accept and embrace your emotions. Only by doing so can you face them with an open mind, thereby letting go of your burdens and moving forward with a light heart. In "The Wuxian Master 3," the immortal Wuxin sought death because he had borne too much pain. Later, Qingluan told him: "Death is not the only solution; letting go is. So every 100 years, Wuxin would seal away his memories, fall asleep, and wake up to a brand new beginning.

Read these books: "Embracing the Inner Child," "Living a Life Where You Don't Have the Final Say," and "Accepting Imperfection."

Best regards!

From my perspective, it seems that the questioner is experiencing a range of challenging emotions, including depression, resentment, and internal conflict. I admire the questioner for bringing up the important topic of self-redemption.

I don't want to go into the details of the experience in the original family, but the questioner has already experienced a lot at his current age. The fact that he can raise such a topic also reflects that he is eager to break free from the shackles and live his true self. So here I will share some information about self-redemption for the questioner's reference.

I would be remiss if I did not mention the movie "The Shawshank Redemption." It is a very good movie. The male protagonist made a great deal of effort to redeem himself from prison and eventually regained his life. If a person wants to achieve self-redemption, it would be helpful to first clarify what they want to be redeemed from and what they want to obtain, as well as how to evaluate whether they have been "redeemed."

For instance, if an individual engages in excessive eating and drinking throughout the day and subsequently becomes intoxicated, their body will inevitably begin to deteriorate over time, as will their psychological resilience. In order to achieve self-redemption, it is essential for them to break away from this unhealthy state of life and return to a normal and suitable state of life. By freeing one's body from the burden of stress, one can also foster greater psychological resilience.

If I might humbly offer my own perspective on the matter, I believe that salvation can be described in a single sentence as "entering the light from the darkness." However, it is important to recognize that each individual's perception of these concepts may differ. The light that illuminates one person's path may not necessarily be the same for another, and the darkness that shadows one person's journey may not be the same as what another person experiences. This understanding emerges from our personal needs and circumstances. In the case of the questioner, I perceive a kind of salvation in their journey from a current state of mind that is filled with conflicting emotions to a state that is less so.

To achieve such redemption, the questioner may benefit from engaging in some introspection and taking action. It could be helpful to accept that their parents are just the way they are, recognize the unfairness of their parents' actions towards them and their younger brother, and acknowledge the impact of these actions in the past.

Secondly, it may be helpful to consider taking back some of the expectations that have been placed on them and putting them on themselves. It could be beneficial to ask yourself what you want and try to satisfy those desires within your means. Then, it might be useful to make a life plan for yourself, such as thinking about what kind of life you want and what kind of relationship you want with your parents, for example.

Ultimately, it is important to take the time to do the things you want to do, one after the other, and complete them. After doing all this, I believe the questioner has already been redeemed.

If you simply think about it without taking action, it's unlikely anyone can save you.

From your description, it is clear that you have suffered domestic violence and a lack of love since childhood.

Your experience is regrettable, but the personality traits you now possess (including perception, thinking, thoughts, motives, needs, emotions, will, and feelings) are also somewhat distressing and heartbreaking.

Your personality traits deviate from the norm, making it difficult to utilize the social support system around you to gain the support and warmth necessary for growth. This also makes it impossible for you to lead a normal life with ease, and you unconsciously fall into apathy or even hatred towards your family and society.

It is likely that you have been scolded a lot by your parents when you were growing up. Such a family environment and upbringing have inevitably led to a biased or even distorted way of thinking.

This also determines your attitude towards your family and your extreme behavior in life.

You mentioned the shortcomings of your parents in the details of your question. They beat you or scold you, and they prefer your younger brother.

As for other aspects, such as your mother having no independent thoughts and just parroting what other people say, and your father having no ambitions, these are your own subjective analysis and judgment, affected by your emotions and other factors. They are not necessarily objective.

Next, we will explore those two main points. Your worries and anger stem from this.

Let's address the issue of your parents often scolding you.

Let me be clear: no parent in the world does not love their child.

Your parents are proud and overbearing, but this is more of a character trait. They beat you or scold you because they're angry, but they still love you.

Becoming a parent is not like being a doctor or lawyer. You don't get special training or an internship. Many people are taken by surprise when they become parents for the first time, both mentally and physically.

The arrival of a child has disrupted the original harmony and peace and added more complicated daily affairs and worries. This is because the parents did not know what to do.

If parents are not mentally prepared for this and have a certain character, they will unconsciously express their own panic and worries in a lack of patience with their children.

They lack parenting skills and know only that taking out their emotions on their children is the cheapest and most convenient way.

They never imagined that this would create hidden dangers for the child's development and cast a serious shadow over their hearts.

Furthermore, you have inherited a lot of your personality from your parents, so it is only natural that they are uncomfortable with your behavior in daily life and your resistance when being scolded. This is undoubtedly the main reason why you attract more scolding.

This pattern of parent-child interaction has become set in stone. Each side has formed a stereotypical image of the other. Neither party is willing or able to reverse this long-standing standoff between parent and child.

You have closed the door to your emotions because you cannot feel your parents' love and do not believe they love you. You have built a wall in your heart and the other party is a neighbor with whom you have long had boundary conflicts.

This will inevitably lead to arguments over trivial matters, which will then escalate until the point of seeking legal resolution.

It is a well-known fact that people prefer younger siblings.

The second child in a family with many children is often more emotionally intelligent and flexible.

Why is this so?

First, parents gain parenting experience with each child, allowing them to avoid repeating mistakes and respond more calmly. They are more attentive and get along better with their children.

Second, the second child grows up in a more harmonious environment than the first child. They also learn valuable lessons from the "confrontation" between their parents and the first child. Unconsciously, they learn how to please their parents more and reduce the chances of being scolded.

In such circumstances, it is only natural that parents will look at the second child more favorably, be more kind, and be more "biased" psychologically.

This will undoubtedly intensify the perception that your parents favor your younger brother.

After analyzing this, you will understand why your relationship with your parents is so tense.

For example, the personality traits of each other, their level of education, their age when you were born (level of maturity), the family's financial situation in the past, and their experiences when they were young all play a significant role.

The lengthy period of confrontation between you has also resulted in emotional blockage and a lack of effective communication from your parents regarding their love for you.

You have resented your parents for a long time, and they have also "suffered" you for a long time. There is nothing they can do. When you are together, you are in an unconscious state of combat alert (with an indifferent attitude and a temper that flares up at any moment). This makes them feel deeply powerless.

The good news is that you have not lost your capacity to love. Despite your emotional isolation, your heart has never stopped yearning for your loved ones' love.

This is precisely why you've been caught in the "separation-homecoming-separation-homecoming" cycle for so long. Your parents are not thinking differently from you.

If you have an idea, you will have hope. Find the right approach, be patient, and work hard, and you will get what you want.

My advice is this:

1. Remove your "armor" (self-protection), tear down the walls in your heart (emotional isolation), let go of your mental baggage (get rid of your worries), and believe that your parents still love you and will never give up on you.

This is non-negotiable. You must be resolute and persevere through the challenges, even if the emotional journey is winding and difficult.

2. Find an elder relative of yours who is respected by your parents, and let him understand your thoughts and feel your sincerity. Take the initiative and repair your relationship with your parents under his guidance.

This is an endorsement of trust and a sense of ritual. Your relationship with your parents will be known to relatives and neighbors.

3. You should seek help from a psychological professional if possible. They can help you achieve "psychological self-healing," which will prepare you to "return to your parents' side" more effectively.

That's all for now. I'm confident you'll find this helpful.

"The hometown cannot accommodate the body, and the foreign land cannot accommodate the soul." What a sigh of conflicted and helpless frustration!

I can almost see you, isolated and adrift in an unfamiliar environment, longing for a sense of belonging but unable to find it.

Your mother is overbearing and lacks independent thought, while your father is highly controlling and has no ambitions. You were either beaten or scolded for your education, but rather than stifling your individuality, it fostered independence of thought and a more nuanced perspective on matters. You rebelled against your controlling parents.

However, your desire to live for yourself is constrained by the influence of your parents, resulting in a conflict between anger and guilt that causes significant distress.

It appears that you are in a challenging position, where you feel aggrieved when complying with your parents' requests but feel sympathy for them when you defy them.

This has an impact on your situation and development. You work hard outside the home, struggling without support, and when you return home, the family atmosphere makes you feel uncomfortable and unable to settle down.

In particular, the contrast between your own more serious disposition and that of your younger brother, who is optimistic and cheerful, causes you to feel even worse.

These internal conflicts also result in a tendency to be cautious and serious when interacting with loved ones, but more relaxed and free-thinking when alone.

A personality mask is gradually formed in front of external parties.

This situation can be viewed as a lack of unity between the mind and body.

Or, you may be reluctant to display your true self.

When an individual is not yet sufficiently resilient to be true to themselves, they may require external validation, recognition, and support.

Due to the feedback you received from your parents, you are uncertain as to whether other individuals will treat you in a similar manner and allow you to live a carefree and independent life.

In other words, you are associating everyone else with your parents' views and expectations of you.

If they are all like your parents, are you confident in your ability to meet their expectations?

Further reflection is required to ascertain whether other individuals are truly comparable to one's parents.

To what extent do these individuals exert control and hold expectations of you that are similar to those of your parents?

Is it necessary to restrict your personal autonomy in order to form close relationships with others?

If you wish to be your authentic self, you are under no obligation to consider the opinions of others and should not feel any sense of guilt or remorse.

If you wish to be obedient, you may choose to be tactful in your words while maintaining your own thoughts and acting according to your own wishes.

Your parents' personalities and perceptions are outdated and limited. There is no need to change them or be consistent with them; doing so would prevent you from making progress.

Respect their decisions, pursue your own objectives, and lead your own fulfilling life.

Should you wish to live a more transparent life without entanglement, you may also choose to pursue psychological repair.

As previously stated.

I am Yan Guilai, a psychological counselor, and I will be your guide on your journey of self-discovery and truth-seeking.

The situation is, in fact, a cyclical process of negative psychological states, wherein subjective feelings and behaviors exert a detrimental influence, which in turn affects the emotions and behaviors of oneself and those around us, thus forming a vicious cycle. This psychological state frequently originates from an individual's subjective interpretation and evaluation of reality, which may give rise to cognitive biases, namely, the perception and understanding of external events and information in an inaccurate or one-sided manner, thereby leading to deviations in emotions and behaviors.

I. Problem Analysis

The impact of familial environment on individual growth: A familial atmosphere defined by parental dominance and a paucity of independent thought, coupled with experiences of bullying and oppression, fosters a sense of inner solitude and a confrontational disposition.

2. Perception and Acceptance of Parents: Awareness of parental selfishness and favoritism, as well as inconsistency between actions and words, gives rise to questioning and challenges in family relationships.

The tendency to present a reserved and serious side in front of loved ones while showing a more authentic self when alone can result in a lack of emotional connection with others and a sense of isolation.

The mindset of a 30-year-old is characterized by an inability to experience joy and a sense of emotional distress that has resulted in a loss of freedom and vitality. Even when one leaves their hometown, inner turmoil persists.

5. Seeking Self-Redemption: By analyzing the impact of the family environment on oneself, one may experience a struggle between emotional entanglement, such as homesickness for one's hometown and feelings towards one's parents, and an attempt to identify a path to inner redemption.

2. Solutions

Emotional Regulation and Emotional Contagion: The emotional contagion theory posits that an individual's emotional state can influence those in their immediate vicinity. Consequently, when an individual is in a negative emotional state, those in their social orbit may also experience a similar emotional state, thereby reinforcing the initial negative emotional state.

In light of this phenomenon, it is possible to interrupt the cycle through the implementation of emotional regulation techniques. These include the influence of a positive mindset and optimistic mood on those in one's vicinity, which in turn generates more positive feedback and an improvement in one's own mood.

2. Self-verification and social cognition: Social cognitive theory posits that individuals tend to selectively accept and interpret information based on their own beliefs and prejudices, thereby forming a self-verifying process. To address this mechanism, one can gradually transform maladaptive thinking patterns and reduce subjective bias through cognitive reconstruction and objective analysis, thereby disrupting the negative psychological cycle.

3. Psychological empathy and social support: The theory of psychological empathy posits that individuals develop emotional resonance when interacting with others, thereby forming emotional communication and support. Consequently, it is advisable to actively seek social support, share one's inner feelings with friends and family, gain understanding and support, and thereby reduce psychological pressure and break the cycle of negative emotions.

4. Psychological Resilience and Frustration Tolerance: The theory of psychological resilience posits that an individual's psychological resilience and frustration tolerance directly influence their ability to cope with adversity and achieve positive outcomes. By fostering these attributes, individuals can enhance their capacity to navigate challenges, manage negative emotions, and overcome difficult circumstances.

3. Recommendations for Implementing Change

First, it is essential to clarify one's goals and expectations. It is crucial to be clear about the desired outcome and to set appropriate expectations.

This may entail improving relationships with those in one's immediate vicinity, promoting enhanced communication, and fostering closer connections, among other possibilities.

Subsequently, one must analyze the relevant influences. Once a goal has been clarified, it is essential to consider the impact of that goal on the people around one.

It is essential to consider the potential responses and sentiments of those involved in order to better prepare and adjust one's actions.

Subsequently, it is essential to maintain a positive attitude and conduct oneself in a manner that is respectful and considerate when interacting with others.

It is essential to demonstrate respect for others, actively listen to their needs and opinions, and exhibit kindness and care in order to establish positive interactions and cooperative relationships.

It is similarly important to communicate effectively. Prior to implementing any given goal, it is essential to engage in a comprehensive dialogue with the relevant family members.

It is essential to express one's thoughts and expectations, to listen to the views of others, to collaborate in the formulation of a plan for change, and to ascertain that the other person comprehends and endorses the stated goals.

In conclusion, it is essential to implement changes in a gradual manner. Once a clear objective has been established and a solid foundation of communication and understanding has been laid, it is possible to begin trying new changes and actions.

It is recommended that goals be implemented gradually and that efforts be made to collaborate with those in one's immediate vicinity with the aim of facilitating personal growth and the improvement of interpersonal relationships.

By following these steps, one can attempt to cultivate a more positive and harmonious relationship with those in one's immediate circle, while simultaneously facilitating personal growth and positive change. Throughout this process, it is of paramount importance to establish a robust foundation of communication and understanding.

It is possible to take positive steps to disrupt negative psychological cycles and reestablish positive mental attitudes and behavior patterns. These methods are expected to assist in extricating oneself from a challenging situation and regaining happiness and well-being.

Given the circumstances of your upbringing, your feelings are understandable. You may have felt misunderstood, restricted, and even lonely and desperate.

It's really admirable that you're still looking for ways to redeem yourself, even in the face of such challenges.

Self-redemption is a deep personal journey that involves understanding your past, accepting your current situation, and working to create a healthier and more fulfilling future. Here are some suggestions that may help you further explore the path of self-redemption:

1. Self-acceptance: Accept yourself as you are, with your past and present experiences in mind. Understand that everyone has their own background and challenges.

2. Set boundaries: Learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself to protect your emotional and mental health.

3. Find support. Look for friends or support groups you can trust who can provide emotional support and different perspectives.

4. Self-Exploration: Take some time to explore your inner world and emotions through writing, artistic creation, or other forms of self-expression.

5. Set goals: Set small, specific goals for yourself. These goals can help you feel like you're making progress and in control.

6. Find pleasure: Look for activities that make you happy and fulfilled, whether they're hobbies or simple daily pleasures.

7. Self-care: Make sure you're looking after yourself by sticking to a healthy routine that includes regular exercise, a balanced diet and enough sleep.

8. **Forgiveness and reconciliation**: It might take a while, but forgiving the past, getting to know yourself better, and working things out with your parents could help you feel more at peace.

Keep in mind that self-redemption is a process that takes time and patience. Everyone's journey is unique, and there are no one-size-fits-all answers.

Above all, you're working towards your own happiness and well-being. Your feelings are valid, and your experiences are worthy of respect.

You're not alone, and there are always people who can help.

Dear questioner, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch. I just want to let you know that you're not alone, and there's hope for a brighter future. Your feelings are totally valid, and it's important to recognize that you're worthy of understanding.

All the experiences in life, whether good or bad, have shaped our incredible inner world. I understand that you feel constrained inside, as if your true self is imprisoned and unable to express itself freely – but you can free it!

And remember, you have the right to pursue inner freedom and happiness!

Your parents have a profound influence on your life. They may not always act perfectly, but that doesn't mean they don't love you! Try to understand their actions from their perspective and you'll be amazed at what you discover!

And there's more! You can also try sharing your feelings with them and letting them understand your inner world. This can really enhance your understanding and communication!

I'm excited to share some specific suggestions with you on how to find self-redemption!

First, start your day off right with a regular self-care routine! Choose a peaceful moment every day, whether it's when you wake up in the morning or before you go to sleep at night, and dedicate it to yourself.

During this time, you can try some relaxing activities, such as meditation, deep breathing, yoga, etc., to calm and nourish your mind. At the same time, you can also record your feelings and thoughts, which will help you better understand your inner world.

2. Secondly, I highly recommend that you find a trusted friend or family member to share your feelings and experiences with. It's amazing how much talking and sharing can release and soothe our hearts!

And there's more! Their support and understanding can also bring you a lot of help and strength.

3. And there's more! You should definitely try some new hobbies or interests, such as painting, writing, traveling, etc. These activities will not only enrich your life, but also help you discover a new self and feel the joy and beauty of life.

4. And there's more! You can also learn some psychology. Read books like "Self-Control" and "Flow" to learn how to manage your emotions and mindset.

And there's more! You can also take some online or offline psychology courses or lectures, communicate and learn with professionals, and improve your self-awareness.

Finally, I want to emphasize that self-redemption is an amazing journey that requires patience and persistence. In this journey, you may encounter setbacks and difficulties, but please believe in your own abilities and strengths. You can do it!

You've got this! You're not alone in this battle. Your friends and family will support and accompany you. Believe in yourself, and you will find your own happiness and joy!

Come on! You can do it!

Just as you cannot accept your real parents, they cannot accept your real self. Each has their own truth in their own perception, which is great because it means you get to define your own reality! Unfortunately, this is not the case for the vast majority of families, and yours is no exception. Perhaps deliberateness, perfunctoriness, and decoration are the necessary and appropriate approaches, which means you get to decide how you want to show up in the world!

There's no need to feel sad! Even if you can't find a way out that makes you happy, you don't need to feel like your parents don't understand you or that you're not accepted. You can't abandon this bond, and you can't "change anyone." So, the only option is to learn how to adapt and make trade-offs! You can't have it both ways, but you can have a happy, healthy relationship with your parents.

You can't be right and understood at the same time. It's impossible! You can't be depressed and exhausted at the same time. It's easy to predict the process and outcome. It's your choice and your way. You're going to have to decide whether you want to despise your parents and put up a fight. I believe you know exactly what the outcome will be.

I'm not questioning your correctness or conclusions, but it may not be the right person or environment. It's just like a stupid leader in a company. What's important is not whether you are right, but whether the leader thinks you are right. How to be cautious in words and deeds, how to be careful about choosing and giving up, how to be diplomatic, and how to influence and persuade—these are all things you can learn! They're more about the closeness of the relationship than about right or wrong, and even more about the strength of individual abilities.

You can't practice what you think is right and get the results you want. You have to be willing to fail and learn from it. And you have to accept that the real world is not always smooth sailing.

If you have the amazing opportunity to quit your job and find a better one, but your family of origin does not have this opportunity, this is the reason why you want to stay but also want to leave, and why you want to break away but also feel attached. You have your own unique challenges and reluctance to leave decisively, and you have your own emotional yearning and sense of belonging within. Therefore, you need this family affection and harmony, and you need this integration and acceptance. Just as you endure and work hard at your job for the salary or career, you also need the acceptance and harmony of your family for emotional belonging and happiness.

You cannot expect your parents to change. But you can change yourself! You know very well that they may not have the ability to do so, but you can do it! You cannot take what you want for granted. That requires you to make sacrifices and pay the price. There is no complete freedom, no natural smooth sailing. But you can navigate your way through it! If you agree with this reality, you should also agree that you need to pay for what you get, and that getting some means giving up something, even for your parents. But you can do it!

Then it's time to think about what you want more, what you need to get more, and how you need to get it and give it up.

I wish you all the happiness in the world!

Hello, I am honored to answer your question. I hope that some suggestions I offer will be helpful to you.

It is often the case that the issues faced by families are complex and long-standing. It is not easy to find a single, universal solution to these problems. What is important is that we continue to explore and find ways of dealing with our families that suit us as individuals.

I believe that the most important thing is to focus on maintaining good physical and mental health.

It would be beneficial for us to seek professional psychological counseling or a medical checkup if we find ourselves experiencing extreme mood swings or a negative state of mind. This can help us maintain our physical and mental health.

Secondly, it would be beneficial to assess whether you possess the capability to venture out independently, taking into account your financial circumstances and the actual state of affairs. This assessment should be made from both a physical and mental perspective. It would be advantageous to first remove yourself from the influence of such environmental factors, to then organise and enhance your own three-view system and cognition, and to finally identify a life direction that is aligned with your personal values.

If it is helpful, you can also learn some communication skills or family interaction skills as appropriate, and try to communicate and get along with your parents on the basis of your own abilities.

The premise of this part is that you are willing to get along with your parents in a friendly manner through self-reflection. If you decide that you do not want to engage with them further after self-reflection, as long as you do not break the legal and moral principles, then we should still take the direction of our own lives as the main point and fundamentally proceed from there.

It is my hope that, through self-reflection or with the help of a professional, you will be able to better regulate your emotional state and find a way to deal with it that suits you.

I would like to express my love for the world and for you!

Greetings.

In your text, you referenced "self-redemption" and "birds." This prompted my recollection of one of the most celebrated films in cinematic history, "The Shawshank Redemption." In this seminal work, the protagonist, Andy, is portrayed as "a bird in a cage with feathers so bright that no one can ignore them."

The terms "separation" and "homecoming" were mentioned, and the characters were described using repetitive sentence structures. This effectively conveyed the inner turmoil, anguish, and quest for illumination to liberate oneself from bondage.

It is challenging to distinguish between the two. As their progeny, one experiences a profound sense of affection and attachment. This emotional bond is of significant value.

In addition, there are instances when a particularly valuable form of affection is disregarded. When confronted with such a situation, some individuals persist in their pursuit of love and strive to secure the right to love.

This is what is admirable, and it is also the aspect of the human heart that is most powerful while remaining soft at the same time.

On occasion, the more tender aspects of one's personality may be subdued. However, this does not imply that such qualities are inherently deficient. During challenging circumstances, they can persist as a source of resilience, fortitude, and joy.

"Watching dramas and laughing out loud like a pig" represents a third perspective that demonstrates simplicity and purity. It can be considered a form of leisure and freedom in the modern world.

It is a heartfelt cry from someone who is compelled to seek a world of freedom in the face of overwhelming circumstances.

One is loved by oneself. One is loved by the minor moments in one's life that one perceives in oneself.

Hello! I'm Jiang 61.

I'm glad I could answer your question. You ask, "What is self-redemption if you can't be happy?"

"I read your introduction, understood it, and want to discuss it with you.

1. Introduction

1. Family situation

The mother is bossy and doesn't think for herself. She repeats what others say, and the father is proud to be in charge of the family. They may have been beaten or scolded as kids and bullied as teens.

As he grows older, he questions and rebels against injustice, even resorting to violence. His anger grows, and he keeps a distance from others.

Family

The mother is strong but has no independent thoughts. The father is content with a small amount of wealth and is like that as long as he can keep control of the family. He has no other ambitions or achievements.

You and your brother

Your younger brother is lively and cheerful and loved by his parents. You were beaten or scolded as a child and controlled by your parents. You rebelled against your parents and fought with them.

This will make you angry. To avoid arguments, you try to keep quiet at home and stay away from the people around you.

2. Experience

You said, "My parents were hopeless. I avoided arguments with them. I knew I couldn't change anyone. Clashing views led to conflicts. My brother was more favored by them."

I used to think all parents wanted their children to do well. But after seeing many examples and combining them with my own experiences, I have to admit that my parents can also be selfish and partial. They don't want me to live better than them or be happy. It seems that I have also lived up to what they want.

My parents don't admit it, but their actions show it. I'm serious and reserved in front of my family, but carefree and relaxed alone. I yell and laugh when I lose at games, fantasize and talk to myself. From a third-person perspective, I look crazy!

"

"But this true self is known only to myself, and I never show it to others. This means losing connections with people and emotional connections. After wearing this mask for a long time, it seems impossible to take it off."

"I'm supposed to be a vibrant thirty-year-old, but I'm a gloomy person who can't feel joy. Emotionally, I'm like a caged bird. Even if I'm far from home, I'm not free (my hometown can't accommodate my body, and no place can accommodate my soul)."

Hide

You argue with your parents because they don't see things the same way you do. You try to avoid conflict.

You hide your true self from your parents and others. When you're alone, you let your true self show.

You can only show your true self by turning away from others.

Expectations

It's painful for you to hide who you are because you can't connect with your parents. I can see your sense of loss and your expectations. You want to be valued, loved, treated equally, cared for, secure, and able to express your emotions.

3⃣️, Confused

"I've been separated from my hometown for over ten years. I've tried to find peace, but I still feel nostalgic for home and emotionally tied to my parents. I can't even find happiness, so how can I be saved?"

You have left your hometown and returned many times in search of happiness and a comfortable self. However, you still feel attached to your hometown and your parents' expectations have not changed.

You have left your hometown and returned home for more than ten years, back and forth, as you search for happiness. However, you still love your hometown and want your parents to accept you.

You're still unhappy and want to save your broken heart.

2. Reasons for loss

1. Love expressions

An expression of love

Everyone understands love differently. Dr. Gary Chapman says there are five ways people express and receive love: "affirming words," "quality time," "gifts," "acts of service," and "physical touch."

Affirming words

You need praise and affirmation no matter who you are. Give more positive feedback to deepen your relationship.

Special moments

Special moments are times and memories you share with your partner. Give them your full attention.

Accept gifts.

Giving gifts on special occasions is a ritual that can strengthen your bond.

Service actions

It means doing what others want and making them happy.

Touch

Hugging and other physical contact can make you feel closer and is a way of showing love.

Unable to express

Your parents didn't know how to express love. They criticized, accused, scolded, and lectured you. You couldn't feel their love. That's why you feel lost.

2. Emotional repression

Emotional repression is when you keep your feelings inside.

Emotional repression is when you keep your feelings and thoughts inside, and your body and mind stay suppressed.

Result

Suppressed emotions can cause nervousness, depression, and physical discomfort. Prolonged suppression can lead to depression and anxiety.

Your emotional suppression may be due to external factors like your parents' behavior, interpersonal tension, and personal confusion.

3⃣, due to their personality

Your personality makes you care about other people's opinions and stay away from trouble. You are a Compliant + Calm personality.

Pleasing personality

A pleasing personality is one that blindly pleases others without regard for one's own feelings. It is unhealthy. The essence of pleasing is that others are more important than I am. I am only safe and loved if I make others comfortable.

You pay a lot of attention to what other people say and do, while ignoring your own feelings.

A calm personality

A calm personality has the following characteristics:

Characteristics: slow, cautious, gentle, and stable.

Strengths: easy-going, adaptable, thoughtful, tolerant

Disadvantages: slow, lazy, not easily repentant, not fond of expressing emotions, indifferent bystander.

You want harmony and peaceful coexistence in your relationships. You are a thoughtful person who is easy to get along with.

You avoid conflict, keep your distance, hide your feelings, and hold back your anger. This is who you are.

3. What to do

1. Get an emotional connection.

Emotional connection

Emotional connection is a deep bond between people. It's about sharing and supporting each other emotionally.

People can understand, support, and share emotions with each other.

Get an emotional connection.

If you distance yourself from loved ones, it will affect your emotional connections and prevent you from interacting with others. This will make you feel lonely.

To gain acceptance from others, we must interact with them emotionally.

This is the first step to inner peace.

2⃣️. Accepting our parents

Acceptance

Acceptance means accepting a person, way of thinking, or behavior. It's an important part of our social lives and has a positive impact on our lives.

Psychology says that acceptance means accepting yourself and others, even when things are tough.

Accepting our parents

If we want to change our life, we must accept our parents' actions. Letting go of past grievances will help us be at peace, face others with an open heart, and communicate.

Our relationships will improve.

3. Effective communication

Effective communication

Communication is sharing information with someone in the hope that they will respond as expected.

Communication includes both verbal and non-verbal messages. The non-verbal part is usually more important. Effective communication is important in family, personal, and social relationships.

Steps to effective communication

Effective communication has four steps.

Step 1: Express feelings, not emotions.

Step 2: Express what you want, not what you don't want.

Step 3: Express your needs, not complaints.

Step 4: Focus on the future, not on what's wrong.

Good communication helps us have good relationships with our parents, with our children, and with others. It helps us feel good inside.

To achieve inner salvation, you must let go of the past, accept your parents and others, strengthen your emotional connection with others, and communicate effectively. When you do this, you will become a happier person.

I wish the original poster a happy life!

Hi, I'm Coach Yu, and I'd like to talk about this topic with you.

The simple sentence, "The hometown cannot accommodate the body, and the foreign land cannot accommodate the soul," makes me feel for the person asking the question. You really are not easy to deal with.

Let's start by talking about the inner child.

There's often a wounded child hidden behind the stories of adults. The emotional setbacks and disillusions experienced in the relationship with parents in childhood will be reconstructed in negative transference. The trauma is an abandonment or betrayal that stays in the heart, an extension of impulses that have been rejected or suppressed.

As the questioner wrote, I've always felt that no parent in the world wants their child to be unhappy. Based on my own experiences and feelings, as well as seeing real-life examples, I have to admit that parents are sometimes selfish and don't want me to be happy.

The way our parents treat us when we're kids is the only way we can understand ourselves. If our parents say we're not doing a good job and give us negative feedback all the time, we'll feel ashamed inside, thinking that we're not good and that we're incompetent. This self-blame and self-attack will make us feel more ashamed, which will make our inner child more and more fearful.

As the original poster wrote, perhaps from a young age they were oppressed and controlled a lot, beaten or scolded, and their inner hostility increased accordingly. They became used to keeping their distance from the people around them, and they were quiet and didn't like to laugh or smile.

So, how do we heal our inner child and make ourselves strong when we understand the trauma of our inner child?

Often, it's our emotions that make us vulnerable in the present. This is because of the complex of an injured inner child.

If we don't deal with our childhood fears in a healthy way, they'll come back to haunt us when we face similar situations in real life. They'll make us feel inferior, worried, afraid, and even physically ill.

Our childhood experiences might have caused us some harm, but we can rely on our own strength to recognize the helpless and lonely parts of ourselves from the past, accept the parts of ourselves that were unloved, and try to reconcile with ourselves.

When we feel fear or other negative emotions, try taking three deep breaths and saying to yourself, "It's not my fault!" and let the emotion flow.

You can also try recording what you're feeling in the moment. This is just for you, so feel free to write about your feelings honestly. This will help us understand the causes and effects of emotions and also help us clarify the root of the problem.

We can open up to our parents and find a good time to talk about our childhood. It's not about blaming anyone, but about helping us understand each other better, strengthening the parent-child relationship, and at the same time helping ourselves to move on from the past.

And then there's acceptance.

We all have flaws and aspects of ourselves that we try to hide, which we might call our "dark side." Those around us don't always accept this side of us, and we often don't even like it. So, we put on a mask and try to be the kind of person others like, but we're really just living a very tired life.

As the questioner wrote, in front of my loved ones I play it cool and act serious, but when I'm alone I let loose and relax. From a third-person perspective, it looks like I'm crazy, but only I know the real me. After wearing this mask for so long, it seems like I can't take it off.

We can ask ourselves, what is it about ourselves that makes us act serious and strict around our loved ones? And what is it about ourselves that makes us want to be carefree and live life to the fullest when we're alone?

We can also ask ourselves why we can't let go of our hometown. And why it's so hard to move on from our parents.

We can also ask ourselves, "What is the ideal version of myself?" and "What are the qualities I want to see in that person?"

"What sets me apart from him?" "How can I become the best version of myself?"

Then you can give yourself a pat on the back and build up your self-confidence.

If this bothers you, it can be tough to overcome it on your own. Try to find a family member or friend you trust and who has always given you positive support to talk to. If you feel the need, you can also find a counselor, because emotions must be released to relieve the heaviness and blockages in our hearts.

We also try to learn to love ourselves, starting by treating our bodies well. We tell ourselves that we've grown up, that we have the strength and ability to protect ourselves, that we can affirm and satisfy our own needs, that we can express and communicate our own thoughts, and that we can accept and appreciate our imperfect selves. Other people's opinions are just a minor incident. Look inward, embrace your inner child, and become your own inner parent. When your core is stable, you'll find the eye of life for yourself, as well as the eye of love, and of course the eye of living a happy life.

I'd also suggest reading Embrace Your Inner Child.

Hello.

Your parents are very controlling and have always hit you or scolded you. As you grew older, you developed your own thoughts and questioned and rebelled against injustice, even resorting to violence and going to court.

It's clear that you and your parents have been in a long-standing conflict, with a multitude of grievances and irreconcilable differences.

Your relationship with your parents has caused you to develop a grudge and a habit of keeping your distance from those around you. You are quiet and not fond of smiling. Both you and your parents know that neither of you can change, and that there will be more and more conflicts between you.

Your parents have selfish preferences. They like your younger brother better and don't want you to live a better life or be happy.

Your relationship with your parents has shaped you into the person you are today. You have created a protective coloration around yourself. Psychology tells us that a person's character is formed by a combination of genetic factors and family upbringing. This includes significant others, economic conditions, education level, school, and social environment.

The family upbringing environment is undoubtedly one of the more important factors, but it is not the whole story.

Your relationship with your parents will make you feel different from your relatives. You said it yourself: parents don't always want their children to be happy and cheerful. They may be unhappy themselves and may habitually consider happiness to be a sin.

It's a simple fact that most parents are partial. This is especially true in families with many children. Some of this partiality is obvious, while some is not. There's no question that an optimistic and cheerful personality is a character trait that most people like to be close to. This is why it's only natural that your younger brother is favored.

Your personality has edges and corners, and while parents may not like that, you should believe that you are born with a talent that is sure to be useful. You have your place to shine, your strengths and abilities, so don't belittle yourself.

You wear a serious mask in front of your loved ones, but when you are alone, you are unrestrained and relaxed. You are the only one who knows your true self, and you never show it to others.

You are 30 years old and you just can't feel the joy of life. You lack emotional vitality. You are caught between two places, your hometown and your foreign land. After more than ten years of repeated separation, you are trying to find redemption within yourself.

You are calling out right now because you know you are more than what you're feeling. You are trying to recall your true self, the self in which body and soul are united. You want to break free from the invisible "net" that binds your emotions. You know this "net" is what's holding you back from being joyful or energetic. It's what's causing you to struggle, suffer, and feel powerless.

You've likely noticed that when you're alone, you're capable of true happiness. However, you've also likely learned to suppress these abilities, which is what imprisons you.

Asking a question here is a way of self-redemption. The responses from many people will undoubtedly give you understanding and support. If you have the opportunity, seek a counselor for longer psychological counseling. This will give you a fuller understanding and a more satisfactory trusting relationship that will accompany you as you gradually free yourself from self-repression.

Love the world and love yourself.