Dad's attitude is despicable, with no limits, and he curses me for no reason. How can I change this?

Greetings! I am grateful to have this opportunity to connect with you on this platform. I sincerely hope that my sharing can be of some benefit to you.

I would like to begin by expressing my deep sympathy for your current situation. I recognize that I am not in your position, and I understand that it can be challenging to fully appreciate your suffering.

Perhaps it would be helpful to take a moment to reflect on the situation and identify the underlying cause. Once this has been established, it may be possible to address the issue more effectively. In my experience, there are often two key areas to consider: the external environment and one's own inner self.

Given your father's tendency to become upset easily, it's understandable that you're facing some challenges. If only the external situation could change, if only your father could become a better person, your troubles would naturally disappear. However, this kind of change is very difficult. It's important to consider the human perspective. People are often self-centered and believe they are always right. They become upset because they perceive others as bad, and they become upset for the good of others, etc. If people don't recognize their own problems, it's very difficult for them to change. Even if they know they have a problem, they may not know what ways to change. This hot-tempered nature has become deeply ingrained and is very difficult to change. If you forcefully try to change it, it will only make the conflict deeper and deeper.

Such changes would be greatly benefited by a culture of wisdom. You may wish to consider getting in touch with Buddhist culture, particularly the Three Levels of Buddhist Practice. When you have the ability, you may be able to guide and influence your father.

It is understandable that you are unable to change the status quo at this time. However, it is important to recognize that your father's actions have crossed a legal boundary and caused you and your mother physical harm. In such a situation, it is crucial to seek legal counsel to protect yourself and your family.

Perhaps it would be helpful to start by adjusting yourself. Your worries may also come from a lack of acceptance. How to accept requires understanding and compassion. There may be a reason why your father is the way he is today. Could it be because of the family, or could it be because of the unbearable life experiences in childhood? When analyzing these reasons, you may find that it is normal for him to be the way he is now, and you may even feel more pity for him. It is possible that the person who gets angry hurts himself first. He may be helpless, dominated by his emotions.

It would be beneficial to accept him on the basis of understanding and compassion.

It would be beneficial to adopt a positive attitude to help deal with this kind of troubled emotion. It might be helpful to think from the perspective of gratitude and to consider the kindness of your father towards us and his care for us since we were young. When this positive attitude gradually stabilizes, it may help to reduce the impact of the external environment on you, making it less likely for you to fall into a state of confrontation. Some people may choose to commit suicide, some people just feel bad for a few days, some people may travel around and get better, and some people just smile wanly, like those saints whose hearts are like immovable, which basically does not affect them.

When you are in a position of strength, you will be less affected by external circumstances and may even be able to influence and change your father's behaviour.

It is easy to say, but difficult to do. After all, we are all mortals, and we can only cultivate our spiritual practice if we have the right conditions. Perhaps it would be helpful to consider changing your understanding, establishing a positive mindset, and changing the quality of your life.

From perception to mindset, to habits, to character, to personality—all of which contribute to a happy life.

Hello. I can clearly see your anger, depression, and even hatred in your description.

Your father swore for no reason. When you resisted, he became even more abusive, accusing you of being ungrateful.

You know your father did this to get you to obey, and he treated your mother the same way. You're right—it is difficult to change your father's way of thinking, and you don't know how to change the situation.

You are perceptive, and you're right: perception is the beginning of change. Well done.

The only way out is to change yourself.

You want to change the situation, and you know it's difficult to change your father's mind.

You're right. Attempting to alter someone else's perspective is nearly futile. The only thing we can truly influence is our own viewpoint.

You are the one who feels the pain. It is much easier to change yourself than to change others.

You need to see your father's helplessness.

It is clear that your father's communication style caused you pain. Instead of feeling love and support from your father, you felt a lot of anger and hatred.

You're right to feel that way, but I don't believe your father doesn't love you.

On the one hand, there is an old Chinese saying, "Hate iron into steel," which means I love you, but I express it in a hateful way.

Listen to me, because I love you.

As you said, this method is obviously unhealthy, but it's the only way your father has ever learned to love you.

He has never received the kind of love you want and is not capable of loving you in that way.

You will be able to show your father that you love him in a loving way when you are strong enough. In doing so, you will learn how to love yourself and others.

Learn to express yourself.

Resistance is a bad approach. It doesn't solve the problem; it just makes things worse between you and your father.

We can end this war when Dad is angry. We just need to be gentle but firm.

Tell your father that you disagree with him, that you are disappointed in his comments about you, and that you find them unfair.

If your father is swearing excessively, leave the room. When he has calmed down, explain what happened.

Respect the way your father and mother get along.

Your father may not respect your mother, but that doesn't mean he doesn't respect her. It's possible that's exactly how they get along with each other.

Believe in your mother's ability to handle her relationship with your father. As children, we still need to respect our parents.

Don't get too involved in your father's relationship. Just be the best you can be. That's the best way to repay and support them.

Best wishes!

Dear question asker, I am honored to have the opportunity to respond to your question.

First, provide the questioner with a reassuring gesture, such as a pat on the shoulder, to convey support and encouragement. In a family unit, the father is typically responsible for safeguarding the well-being of his children. However, the questioner's father exhibited a lack of care and respect towards the questioner and his mother, which led to the questioner feeling intimidated and bullied.

In a family unit, parents are responsible for raising their children and educating them. However, the questioner's father has significantly expanded his perceived rights, acting as if he were a monarch who should be obeyed by all. In a family, if either parent treats their children in a harsh or abusive manner, the children are unable to resist at will. Such mistreatment is helpless and painful.

The question then arises as to whether a father is at liberty to treat his children in any manner he sees fit. This represents a deeply problematic attitude that effectively regards children as one's personal property and fails to acknowledge their status as equals.

Does this imply that children are devoid of fundamental human rights due to their lack of awareness and dependency on their parents for sustenance? This perspective is reprehensible and fails to acknowledge children as autonomous beings.

The age of the original poster is unknown. However, in the face of his father's bullying, it may not be possible to change his words, deeds, or attitude. Nevertheless, it is possible to change the way one responds. Thus, the question arises as to how the original poster should respond when faced with his father's bullying. The following thoughts are offered in the hope of providing assistance.

It is essential to comprehend the rationale behind the father's actions and their impact on his family.

One might inquire as to the motivation behind the father's treatment of his son and wife. It would be of interest to know whether the father was subjected to similar treatment by his own elders during his upbringing.

When the questioner's father communicated his own ideas with his elders, he was suppressed and instructed to defer to their wisdom. This pattern was imprinted on his heart, influencing his subsequent behavior within the family unit he established.

In this individual's cognitive schema, his father is the embodiment of divinity, infallible, and the ultimate authority. This model may have been beneficial in the past, when children had limited access to information and relied on their parents as their primary source of knowledge.

In the contemporary era, young people have a plethora of avenues for acquiring information, a stark contrast to the limited options available to their elders. Consequently, it is pertinent to question whether the same approach that was deemed appropriate in the past remains valid in the present.

Although one may comprehend the rationale behind one's father's treatment of oneself and one's mother, this does not necessitate forgiveness. Some instances of belittlement and hurt will inevitably remain unforgettable. It is crucial to comprehend, but not forgive.

It is advisable to refrain from confronting your father.

In the event of encountering inappropriate behavior from one's father, it is advisable to refrain from confrontation. Based on the provided description, it can be inferred that the questioner is currently pursuing higher education and relies on his father for numerous support systems. In the event that one's father requests a task, it is recommended to prioritize its completion without compromising academic pursuits.

In the event of being scolded or beaten by one's father, it is advisable to avoid proximity to the aforementioned individual. Alternatively, one may seek refuge in a secure location within the home, or alternatively, seek the company of a friend's family.

It is inadvisable to engage in argumentation with one's father. In the event that one's emotions become intense and hurtful for both one's own rights and those of the father, it is unwise to engage in further confrontation. The optimal course of action is to turn around and leave the situation immediately. It is not necessary to tolerate the father's indoctrination of one's with inappropriate remarks.

In the event of an escalating argument, it may be advisable to temporarily remove oneself from the situation and seek the company of friends or relatives.

It is recommended that you express your thoughts to your father.

What are your thoughts when your father scolds or belittles you? Attempt to express your thoughts to him in a calm and collected manner when he is in a benevolent mood.

One might attempt to articulate one's thoughts regarding the rights afforded by the state, the obligations and responsibilities of parents, the extent to which belittling behavior has crossed a line, the acceptability of one's father's attitude, one's expectations of his future actions, and the limits of one's tolerance. One might begin by acknowledging one's upbringing and the expectation of filial piety, stating, "I know that I was raised by you, and I understand that children should be filial to their parents."

"However, I must insist that you refrain from using profanity indiscriminately. Otherwise, I will take my leave of the house until such time as you cease to inflict emotional distress upon me through your verbal abuse."

It is advisable to exercise caution before engaging in discourse with one's father.

Impulsive responses are ineffective for facilitating communication. When one's father speaks in a discourteous manner, it is understandable that one might be inclined to respond in a similarly discourteous manner.

Nevertheless, an immediate response may intensify the conflict and ultimately lead to a deterioration of the situation. It is preferable to respond to the other person in a polite and neutral manner that does not diminish one's self-worth.

One may respond to the other person in a polite and respectful manner, for example, "That's interesting," "You have the right to express your opinion," or "Let me think about what you said."

It is advisable to refrain from disclosing all information to one's father.

Every child who is developing their identity has their own secrets. It is not necessary for the questioner to share all of their thoughts or secrets with their father, and it is important to recognize that he has no right to know. When someone bullies you and humiliates you, it is unlikely that you would tell them all of your secrets and worries.

Similarly, the questioner is under no obligation to divulge all their thoughts, dreams, and worries to their father, particularly given the latter's demeanor and treatment of the former.

It is, however, possible to share these thoughts with trusted teachers, friends, and relatives.

Resources for locating assistance

It would be beneficial for the questioner to identify potential sources of support in their immediate environment. The father's discourteous treatment of the questioner and the questioner's mother has the potential to negatively impact the questioner's emotional state, leading to feelings of distress and depression.

It is important to note that the individual in question does not have to face the situation alone. There are numerous individuals who can provide support and assistance, including friends, relatives, classmates at school, the homeroom teacher, or any other teacher with whom the individual has a positive relationship. The presence of these individuals can significantly reduce the feelings of isolation and helplessness that often accompany such circumstances. The more resources that are available to provide support and guidance, the less isolated and alone the individual will feel when confronted with the situation at home. This can lead to a greater sense of confidence and empowerment, which can in turn contribute to a more positive and constructive interaction with the father.

One may also contact the helpline.

In the absence of a reliable source of assistance, it is possible to seek help from the neighborhood committee, street office, and women's federation. The hotline can also be a valuable resource. The father's harsh attitude and adherence to "reason" may contribute to feelings of helplessness among the individual seeking assistance.

It is recommended that the questioner seek assistance from relevant organizations, which are expected to be able to provide effective support and even protect the questioner's rights as guaranteed by the state. The helpline in China is 12338, where the questioner can access counseling or shelter services.

It is my hope that this response will prove beneficial to the questioner.

I empathize with your sense of helplessness, as conveyed in your description.

Firstly, it must be acknowledged that attempting to alter one's father is an inherently futile endeavour. The only potential avenue for change is through the individual's own growth and wisdom, which may then manifest as influence within the family unit.

Secondly, family members cannot be selected; regardless of their characteristics, they must be accepted. The manner in which an individual treats their family members is typically influenced by the dynamics of their original family and the educational background they have acquired. In general, the former establishes the underlying tone, while the latter modifies it to a certain extent.

It is evident that your father's family of origin and his acquired education were not exemplary, and the combination of the two has shaped the individual he has become. In this regard, he can be considered a victim, just as you are currently. However, the distinction lies in the passage of time and the capacity to embrace more contemporary concepts and facilitate change.

Ultimately, an effective family unit transmits accurate information that aligns with the demands of the contemporary era through successive generations, integrating it into the family psyche through continuous refinement of cognitive processes. In this context, you demonstrate the requisite intelligence. The capacity to request assistance is a fundamental attribute of intelligent individuals, and you have already exhibited this ability.

In regard to your father's actions, it is recommended that you view him as a "special person" or "a person with problems." His actions are a reflection of his uniqueness and his problems. This may facilitate a more comfortable perspective. When dealing with a patient, it is more readily accepted that many of the patient's actions are beyond their control.

In light of the unavoidable limitations of human agency, it is imperative to alter our perspective and approach. I sincerely hope that this insight proves beneficial.

Dear questioner,

It's clear that your father is very controlling and often criticizes and rejects you, which makes you feel sad, hurt, and aggrieved. This kind of critical parenting is actually just an attack. It's an outlet for parents' dissatisfaction and hatred of their children for not being able to do things perfectly. In childhood, our understanding of ourselves and the outside world is very limited. This makes it difficult for us to evaluate ourselves and forces us to turn to our parents for help. Now that we have independent thinking and awareness, we realize that our parents' parenting style is inappropriate. However, some of their methods were also learned from the previous generation. This makes it challenging for us to change our parents' parenting style. If you rebel in front of such parents, they will interpret it as you having grown up and becoming disobedient. They will think you're trying to break away from their control, which will generate all kinds of negative emotions towards yourself. This will cause a backlash. Parents will also use the way they think is good for you to exercise mental control over you. They'll think their sacrifices are all for your own good. If you rebel, it's because you don't know how to be grateful and don't understand yourself.

How can we solve this? Here are a few suggestions:

It's important to recognize the limitations of your father's thinking and give yourself affirmation and recognition. Of course, we hope that our parents will understand and support every decision we make, but if we keep waiting for that recognition, we'll be stuck in our parents' world because it's their thoughts and ideas that determine their actions. Recognize the limitations of your father's thinking. He's also a first-time parent and is also educating his child for the first time. His methods of education and his thoughts and ideas are all limited, and he can't see the bigger picture when it comes to education. From now on, we can take the initiative to recognize ourselves, give ourselves encouragement and support, and make our hearts stronger.

It's also important to learn to express your needs and rejections. For example, if you want your father to protect you, you can say to him, "Dad, I'm feeling helpless and sad right now. Can you stand by my side?"

Or, if your father hits you, you can say, "Why do you always hit me?" It could be that he's afraid you'll do something wrong or that you'll get out of his control. We can also try to understand our parents' fears and worries from their perspective. They're human, too, and can be afraid. So, we can take a step back and look at why they do this and what the reasons are.

It's important to learn to think for yourself and take responsibility. This is something we should all think about, no matter what kind of parents we have. Set your own principles, set up your own defense, clarify your position, see the essence of things, and learn not to let anyone hurt you. This includes the closest people in our lives, such as relatives, lovers, and friends. We can only be responsible for ourselves, and no one else can be responsible for our lives. We must bear the consequences of all our actions.

I hope this helps answer the question. Best regards.

Hi there,

Luckily, I can give you some advice.

From what you've written, it seems like you want to change the overall atmosphere of your family. You feel like your father treats you rudely, and your mother is even worse. You're hoping to change your family by learning some knowledge or finding some methods.

These days, this kind of rude behavior is handled. From the start, you said your father often saw your refusal to obey his orders as disrespect. This made him feel like you were being ungrateful, wrong, and needed to obey him.

From his perspective, he'll think that as a parent, he needs to be authoritative. He'll want you to accept things unconditionally, whether they're right or wrong. So, if you accept them, he may not treat you rudely. But if you don't, he'll definitely speak harshly to you until you do.

His behavior shows that he wants his parents to be authoritative and that he hopes others will recognize his arguments. When you challenge him, it makes him angry. This is probably because of something that happened in his family of origin, or in his childhood, or in his adult life, which has made him remember something.

So, we need to look at his rude behavior from these two perspectives.

We have to accept that when we challenge him, he sees it as a challenge to us. Maybe he had a similar experience with his own parents when he was younger. So when he becomes a parent, he will inevitably repeat his old ways.

So, what can we do to help you deal with the situation as it stands?

First of all, if he really crosses your boundaries, I think you should explain your feelings to him in a calm, objective way.

And we should also think about whether your resistance is an emotional reaction these days.

It's important to remember that when we express our feelings, the other person might feel attacked. But if we express what we're feeling at the time, I think the other person will be more patient and willing to listen.

Ultimately, when we discuss how these words affect us, he'll be listening to you. This gives us the opportunity to adjust the tone and content of our communication with him.

This way, he won't get impatient or angry at our tone, which might bring up some bad childhood experiences.

Regarding what you said later, that your father has always emphasized that he has done a lot for you, and you feel that you are not grateful.

Could it be that things weren't always smooth between your parents? Maybe he's really working hard to provide a better life for his family, and is under a lot of pressure outside the home. But when he gets home, his wife and kids might not give him much comfort or care, so he doesn't have much of an outlet for stress.

So, he feels like his efforts don't matter. When he feels aggrieved and is criticized by others outside the home without the support of his family, he's actually quite insecure.

And on top of all that, he has to be the sole breadwinner for his wife and kids at home.

Men are vulnerable too. We need to understand the pressure and helplessness of working outside while also seeing him struggling and fighting.

So, I think it's important to properly re-plan and establish the love he has for you and your mother.

I'd suggest you greet your father with a smile every day when he gets home from work. Ask him how his day was and how he's feeling.

Don't you think it's a bit exhausting?

And give him a glass of water when it's appropriate, or try to create a more pleasant family atmosphere. As for your mother, I think you need to look at how she communicates with your father objectively.

Maybe your parents think you've been living together so long that you're basically family and don't need to know each other that well, right?

But how we communicate as a family is really important, and it's not as unimportant as we sometimes think.

You can use yourself as a starting point to help the family make a change. As children, we can act as a catalyst for their relationship. You can start by expressing your emotions and letting them flow.

This way, your father will feel like he's working outside every day, that his kids at home are worried about him, and that he can see your smiling faces when he gets home. Slowly, he'll be able to let go of this pressure and see that it's worth it to struggle outside, and he'll be full of fighting spirit.

I think it'll be pretty easy for him to change, and it'll help his relationship with your mom too.

Finally, I want to say that from your perspective, you hope that he can change his mind. But in my opinion, it takes a long time for a person's ideas to change. What we can do is start with the details of everyday life.

As I said earlier, let him know you appreciate his efforts. When he feels like we don't understand what he's going through, let him know we do. We know it's tough out there and we're there with him.

He's a bit grumpy, but that's okay. We can wait until he's finished getting angry and then talk to him slowly about what happened today to see if we can help him calm down a bit.

I think the above will be helpful for your family and for fostering a loving environment.

I wish you all the best.

Hello, questioner!

I don't know how old you are. Meeting a father like that really makes things difficult for you.

My mother also liked to swear, so she can empathize with the pain you're going through.

But as the saying goes, "It's hard to change one's nature." It's really tough to change a father's habits after so many years. He's got to realize it himself and really want to change.

My mother is in her fifties and hasn't changed at all.

Many Chinese parents who are frustrated outside the home can't express their anger at home, so they take it out on their kids. They discipline their kids because they feel it's part of their culture to respect their elders.

Some people learn this pattern from childhood and then use it with their own kids.

Of course not! You can't just let your parents abuse you.

What if my parents scold me in a harsh way? You're on your own. It's difficult to regulate the beating and scolding of children by law. The Chinese also have the concept that filial piety comes from a rod, and no one else can help. Therefore, the best solution is to save yourself.

What can you do to try to make things better?

1. Figure out what's behind his anger.

If you're dealing with a grumpy father, it's important to figure out why he's so angry.

Generally speaking, external stimuli can cause emotional changes. For example, if your dad had a bad day at work and came home in a rage, this is an external cause. It'd also be worth seeing if your grandpa and grandma are prone to losing their temper. If so, then it's likely that your dad has also learned this pattern of behavior.

On top of that, if your father is short-tempered and irritable, it could be that his cognitive model is flawed. He might have absolute requirements for himself and his children and demand that they "must" complete something. If they don't, he'll get angry.

This is the result of his flawed perception and absolutism is an unreasonable belief.

2. See if you can communicate with your father.

You can be honest and ask him why he always scolds you and if there is another way instead of scolding. If every time your father uses excuses you can't accept to get out of it or just scolds you back,

I suppose he's not even aware of it, and I doubt that simply pointing it out will have much effect, so I'll have to try a different approach.

3. Study hard, get good grades, and move away from your parents.

If you're young and don't have the means to support yourself, it's not an option to leave your parents. So, you've got to focus on doing well in your studies. Put all your energy into that, and if your grades improve, you can apply to a school far away.

4. Attempt to comprehend your father's perspective. His objective may be to enhance your well-being, but the approach he employs is unduly harsh. After all, I believe that the majority of parents globally aspire to provide the best for their children. Perhaps if you considered that when your father was younger, he was also treated in such a discourteous manner,

This is just how he deals with things now. He doesn't mean to hurt you, he just doesn't know any better.

In any case, I know my father gets angry easily, so I try to avoid arguing with him. I also don't push his buttons because people with a short temper tend to get even more upset. When he senses that you're provoking him, he'll scold even more fiercely.

Avoid putting yourself in opposition to him so that he feels provoked by you. If he's right, just listen. If he's wrong, there's no need to deliberately oppose him. You just need to know in your heart that he's wrong.

It's important to set up a mental defense to prevent you from falling into his emotional trap. Distinguish between his emotions and yours. And never let him get you down. Remind yourself that your father actually wants you to change for the better, and that he doesn't hold a grudge against you.

I also try to empathize with my father's struggles. I usually try to focus on my studies or exercise to take my mind off things.

I love you and the world together.

Hello.

Your home feels suffocating, oppressive, and humiliating.

Let's start by explaining projection.

Projection is when you put your feelings on other things.

A fox is frustrated because it can't eat the grapes. It projects this frustration onto the grapes, which it views as sour and worthless.

He denies his feelings and blames others.

Let's talk about how Dad deals with his emotions.

Dad often projects his negative emotions onto you and mom.

If you feel uncomfortable inside, you will look outside for reasons and be unhappy with the outside world.

What should I do with a father like this?

First, learn to be aware of your emotions. When our father starts to scold us, we focus on ourselves and become aware of our emotions.

What I feel when I hear these words.

Second, see your father in a new way. What happened to him?

What does he want?

Third, try to talk to your father and tell him what you think.

That's okay. Accept the situation.

Fourth, learn to avoid negative projection.

The family has a big impact on us. This emotional pattern of our father is also likely to affect us in ways we don't notice.

This pattern is destructive. We must identify it and stay away from it.

Best regards!

Hello, question asker.

Your father's hot temper has caused you so much pain. I can also sense how your mother trembles with fear in the face of his intimidation. As their child, you want to be the one to end the violence and save the family.

You are the fruit of your parents' love in this family, and I am certain they love you. They simply learned from their parents' generation how to raise children in their own families and applied it indiscriminately to yours.

Forget their shortcomings. Find out how your grandparents treated your father and you'll find the answer.

Understand his childhood situation. It may have been the same as yours. Then, understand the psychological needs behind his anger. Is he constantly demanding because he is worried about you? Or is he afraid that you will fail him and he will have no one to entrust his later years to? Behind his anger is his fear and worry.

Blood is thicker than water. Their blood flows through your veins, and you know you love them. You are powerless to resist your father's fists and unable to express your love.

The flow of love has been blocked in your family. Your father says you don't know how to be grateful, but the truth is, it is his heart that is calling out for love. He just expresses it in the wrong way, thinking that it is his responsibility to discipline and control you.

There's an old saying: "Spare the rod and spoil the child." It's likely that his parents were your grandparents and taught him this way. He's also failed to learn how to communicate with his son.

Understand your father. Think of scenes or fragments from your childhood when you were intimate with your father. Express your love for your father when he is calm, and resolve conflicts with gratitude, respect, and understanding.

You're here seeking help, which shows you're a responsible young person. I give you a big thumbs up!

You have knowledge, you think, you are responsible, and you take responsibility. There is always someone in a relationship who has to lower their ego. You are the younger one, so you can start by influencing your parents' expression of love with your own changes. A change by one person in the family will bring about a flow of love. So start with you. I'm here to support you!

Your father frequently reprimands you and expects compensation for his actions. He treats your mother with even greater severity, prompting you to seek a resolution.

It appears that your father is perceived as a disagreeable and calculating individual, while your mother is regarded as somewhat vulnerable and in need of your protection.

First and foremost, regardless of whether the behavior in question is throwing a tantrum, making demands, or appearing to need protection, the underlying inner state remains consistent: a state of powerlessness.

As previously stated, the subject reports a perception of paternal care as being imbued with demands, which, during the subject's childhood, made it challenging for the subject to accept such care. Additionally, the subject's relationship with the mother evinces a proclivity for the subject to assume a caregiving role for the mother.

It is similarly improbable that she will be able to provide you with care. You experience a multitude of emotions regarding your father's lack of care, yet these emotions are absent in relation to your mother.

It appears that you identify with your mother to a significant extent.

The influence of one's parents' conflict has been excessive.

The desire to engage in conflict with one's father is predicated on a lack of understanding regarding the underlying causes of his emotional outbursts. The precipitating factors that lead to such outbursts, including the nature of interactions between the father and mother, remain unclear. Additionally, the question of whether the demands placed upon the child are realistic and conducive to adaptation remains unanswered.

It will be challenging to develop your own position and effect change in the relationship between the three of you if you are unable to discern the significance of past events.

I wish you the best in your endeavors.

Zhu Rong, a practicing psychologist, is currently working with counselor Gao Shunyuan.

Hello, question asker!

You're not a child. I don't know your age, but I know you're an adult. Your father's rude and bossy attitude is unacceptable. You deserve better. You need to take control of the situation. Here are some suggestions for your reference:

You say that Dad often treats me rudely, and his attitude towards your mother is even worse. It is difficult for outsiders like us to judge just from these words. You can think about why Dad is like this. You can look at your grandparents and see what kind of approach they have. Is it because your grandfather also treated your dad in this way that your dad treats you all like a mirror image?

Is this a habit of his? You say his attitude is bad. We often see people with bad tempers, but they are still very nice. They just don't know how to express themselves.

Think about whether your father has a bad attitude and a bad temper, or whether his way of thinking is inherently wrong. Or maybe he is just stressed out and his temper is bad, and he needs somewhere to let off steam.

You want to change the situation, which is good. But you must find the right reason for this problem. If you just think about how to change your father's character, it will be very difficult.

Second, you say that because my father has a bad attitude, I have to rebel. I can imagine that this must be counterproductive. A head-on confrontation will definitely end in mutual destruction. So you might also want to think about whether it is because my father is wrong that I have to rebel, or just because of his bad attitude. If my father's temper is already like this, but his views are not wrong, your rebellion is actually meaningless.

Now that you've identified the two key issues, let's explore solutions.

You are your father's child, and it's likely that your temper is similar to his. You are also quite stubborn, which will lead to clashes. I have already stated that these clashes will not end well. You are his child, and you want to change. Focus on changing yourself, not trying to change him. You can try to be more calm. When your father loses his temper, don't lose yours. When your father shouts, you calm down. At this time, the other person alone cannot lose his temper. Afterwards, he will also think about whether his temper was a bit too much. This is difficult to do because it is hard for anyone to control their temper. If someone else gets angry with me, do I just put up with it?

But the truth is, if you hold back, you will win.

Furthermore, when you are not angry, you should communicate more and not exclude each other. After all, you are a family. During meals and in your spare time, share what you have seen and chat together to improve the family atmosphere and avoid being too depressed. At the same time, you can also understand where your father's pressure comes from, whether it is work or life. You can say something about it, for example, "Dad, I heard from my friends/classmates that their father has been very busy at work recently and is not feeling well. You are also working hard, so you should take care of your health."

Let Dad know you care about him.

Have a chat with Dad about his temper when the mood is right. People with a bad temper know it themselves. Tell him you're scared of his temper and that you know he's having a hard time. Ask him if he can change a little. We are a family, and families are supposed to be happy.

It's true that changing a bad temper is difficult, but many people with bad tempers have good hearts. You need to be good at spotting your father's good points and communicate with him in a softer way. I believe the relationship can still be improved. You can do it!

Hello! I hug you!

Your father has caused you and your mother a lot of harm. You hope to change the situation through your own efforts.

You've tried, but it's hard to change. I hug you because I can't help you change your dad.

Sometimes we are powerless.

Change is hard. It's hard to change ourselves. It's even harder to expect others to change.

You say you've made an effort, but it's hard to change Dad. This is normal.

If you make an effort and he changes, that would be abnormal. It's not impossible, but it must be at a great cost to him or to you. Sometimes people have epiphanies or awakenings in the face of great costs.

I don't know your age, but you can probably accept what you can do. I have a grumpy father.

Your grumpy father is like an NPC in the game. You can't get rid of him, and he will still interfere with you. You have to accept it.

My advice is to accept it and then see what we can do. Don't fight it; you can't fight your fate. You have to accept it.

Live in the moment.

I'm a Buddhist and a pessimist. I'm also a counselor who is sometimes positive.

Hello!

I'm Xiaobai. I hope I can help!

Your story made me want to hug you.

I have some thoughts and suggestions.

Let's look at the questioner's problem and try to understand it.

My father is often rude to me. I don't obey his orders. When I resist, he scolds me, saying I'm ungrateful. He thinks I should obey him without reason. If I resist, he uses what he's done for me to pressure me to obey. This is unhealthy. He's even worse with my mother. I hope to change this through my efforts, but it's difficult to change his way of thinking.

My father is grumpy and yells at me for no reason. How can I change this?

1. Find out why your father is angry.

He might not lose his temper for no reason. There's a reason for everything. Find out why he's grumpy and deal with it.

2. Talk to your father more.

Communication is the best way to build a close relationship. If you're unhappy, talk to your father. Tell him you're unhappy when he's unhappy. Show him you love him.

❤️ 3. Show more concern for your father.

People are busy at work and neglect their elders. Give your father more love when he is grumpy.

Be patient.

We can't expect someone to be good-tempered all the time, so we must be patient with an unreasonable, grumpy father.

It's normal for fathers to have bad moods. Don't ignore it. If you think your dad is always angry, it will only make things worse.

I hope you can help your father when he's angry.

These are my views and suggestions. I hope they help.

I'm Xiaobai. I love you.

Best wishes!

Hello, topic master! I'm Wang Enhoo, a psychological counselor, and I'm thrilled to be here.

Let's dive into your topic together!

1. The incredible American psychologist George C. Gurdjieff made an amazing discovery: a triangle drama with three roles is constantly being played out in everyone's mind!

The persecutor is quick to belittle and put others down.

The rescuer also looks down on others. However, he does so from a position of superiority, believing that he must help others because they are not good enough to help themselves—and he is ready and willing to do so!

The [victim] may believe that they are inferior, but they are not! Sometimes the victim seeks out the persecutor to belittle him or her, or the rescuer to provide help and affirm him or her: "I can't solve this on my own."

This triangular drama of all relationships has three fascinating characteristics:

1. When the persecutor attacks and blames excessively, the victim accepts the attacks and accusations too readily, and the savior is too eager to help rescue the victim, psychodrama begins and these actions become the content of the drama.

2. In many cases, psychodrama progresses with the roles of the three people changing, which is really exciting!

3. The great thing about this drama is that it can end at any time. If one of the protagonists stops playing their part and withdraws from the role, the drama will come to an end. And when you take on one of the roles, the people around you will unconsciously play the corresponding role in order to maintain the balance of the triangle.

2. We're going to use the fascinating theory of Capman's Triangle Drama to analyze our family relationships!

Dad is the [persecutor]: "Dad has a bad attitude, no bottom line, and yells at me for no reason."

The mother is the [victim]: "He treats my mother even worse."

You are the amazing "savior!" You say, "I hope that through my humble efforts, I can change the situation."

In a thrilling turn of events, the father persecutes the mother, and I come to save her, which forms a triangular drama.

When we become the savior, helping mom against dad, dad's persecution will become more intense. This is your chance to show dad who's boss! We may then transform into victims, feeling more hurt and helpless. But don't worry! Mom becomes the savior, and may be more accommodating for our sake.

When we and our mother experience [victimhood] to a certain extent, we have the opportunity to release our aggression and fight back, becoming [persecutors] and launching attacks on our father: "I have resisted this to a certain extent by not complying with his orders." Our father will then become [the victim], and he will also protect himself and fight back.

As you can see from the above, we play the roles of [victim], [savior] and [persecutor] in family relationships in a cyclical manner. The relationship between the three people is also cyclical and cannot be resolved. But there is a solution!

The good news is that there is a solution! It's as simple as becoming aware of the role you play in the triangle and stopping from playing that role. When we stop, the other person can no longer continue to play their corresponding role, and the relationship will change!

While we can't change our parents, we can start with ourselves and discover our own amazing coping mechanisms and role-playing!

Dad belittles mom, and that is the relationship and pattern that has formed between them. We feel for mom, and we can help her! We can't change dad, but we can find a balance that will protect us through adolescence and keep us hopeful about the future. We can't wait until we become independent adults—we need to protect ourselves so that we can continue to study and live our lives without being hurt too much. We can do this!

Life is mostly bitter, so it's especially important to embrace sweetness! Not having a warm and free home can really make people feel depressed, helpless, and angry.

We can absolutely have a new life and a new life by going through the past! All we have to do is build our own warmth and freedom.

I really hope my answer will inspire and help you!

The first step in initiating change is to take a closer look at oneself.

It is not possible to change anyone else in this world. The only thing you can change is yourself. The other person is a different, independent individual with their own ideas and views. It is not realistic to expect people to have completely consistent values.

It is not possible to please yourself by changing others. I have a very effective and timeless principle: whoever suffers changes!

If you change, he will change too. This is called influence. Therefore, the only way to influence him is by changing yourself.

What is the best way to proceed?

If you are an adult, I recommend pursuing employment elsewhere. Once you have attained a certain level of success in your career, I believe you will find that your colleague's attitude towards you will change.

If you are still a student, it is advisable to focus your attention on your studies. It is unlikely that a diligent and studious child will be subject to criticism on a daily basis.

Everything external is a reflection of your inner self.

In essence, the evaluation of right or wrong is subjective, as is the assessment of good or bad.

Your perception of your father will influence how you view him internally. If you perceive him as unreasonable and tyrannical, you will likely internalize this perception and view him as such.

If you can appreciate your father's contributions to the family, including his investment of time and resources, and recognize the role he played in your development, it may influence the image you hold of him.

It is only through becoming a parent oneself that one can truly comprehend the depth of love that parents have for their children. While parents may occasionally exhibit inappropriate behavior or make mistakes, it is important to remember that they are, like all of us, ordinary individuals who are prone to making ordinary mistakes. It is not acceptable for a child to complain about their parents for these reasons.

I extend my sincerest wishes to you.