Daughter in high school, rebellious and not studying, in a cold war, how to communicate with her?

Dear questioner, I hug you!

I am Sunshine, and I am grateful to have met you on Yixinli!

The questioner has taken the initiative to reflect on their own behavior, prompting the question: "My daughter is in high school, rebellious, and doesn't study. During the cold war, how do I communicate with her?" The title of your request for help indicates that the parent felt powerless and helpless in communicating with their daughter.

Carefully reading the question the original poster is seeking to discuss will undoubtedly lead to more possibilities for the answer you want.

I have also considered this topic and am ready to share my insights with the questioner.

Let's get one thing straight.

Let's first sort out the specific situation described by the questioner and understand it.

My child is in her second year of high school. We had a fight over dinner during the May holiday, and I hit her. Now we are in a cold war.

Arguing over trivial matters, having verbal fights, and hitting your daughter is the most unacceptable way to interact with a child during their adolescent/rebellious period. Could this have been your way of interacting with your daughter before?

Parents who try to control their children with authority are wrong. How did your daughter usually interact with you when conflicts arose between you when she was growing up?

Or is it just a "cold war"? Someone has to "admit defeat" first.

Or what?

What they don't know is that children in adolescence have a strong sense of independence. The more they are not allowed to do something, the more they want to show their "strength and independence," that is, the so-called "rebellion." Therefore, confrontation with parents is a normal situation. This is the way children must go as they move towards independence in life.

The epidemic has forced children to take online classes at home. Their teacher and I have noticed that she is not doing her homework or is only doing the bare minimum in many subjects. She is also skipping classes, making up excuses to get out of school.

Everyone is born with a love of progress. There are different psychological reasons behind high school students' dislike of learning and schoolwork.

For example:

High school students often have difficulty with their studies, to the point of school aversion. They may avoid studying because they encounter difficulties that they can't solve on their own. For example, they may feel that their academic performance is never improving and that studying is particularly difficult. They may also have difficulty understanding what the teacher is saying, which leads to them simply stopping listening.

For high school students entering junior high school, this is a combination of puberty and the rebellious period. It is a fact that the physical and psychological changes in high school students can lead to emotional changes in high school students.

Some high school students will undoubtedly be confused by these emotional changes in themselves. Without a suitable person to confide in or communicate with, they will undoubtedly fall into a "cold war/depression" mode.

High school students are unmotivated to study, so parents must pay extra attention to whether they are being tempted by external factors.

The daughter of the question owner needs to calm down and explore the situation thoroughly.

My teacher told me to contact her on WeChat for class, but when I called her, I found out she had blocked me. I need to talk to her face-to-face, but I'm not going to let her get away with this. If I don't talk to her, what will happen if she continues like this? She'll just mope through high school.

—— Regarding this, was "blacklisting" once the norm? If you live in the same house, parents must "lower their heads" and sincerely apologize to their children, saying things like, "I shouldn't have hit you..." Parents must be mentally prepared in advance that no matter what kind of argument/conflict arises, they must never hit their children!

(Or is it that parents are not good at controlling their emotions when they have conflicts with their children, and are used to controlling them by "hitting"? This must stop. A new way of interacting must be established.)

Parents and children can only communicate effectively if parents are willing to listen to their children's thoughts and feelings. This requires parents to think about what their children are thinking and feeling, and to understand their children's needs. Otherwise, communication will be impossible.

Parents must work with school teachers to reconnect with their children. There are no disobedient children; there are only parents who have not listened carefully to their children's inner voices.

In view of the actual situation between the questioner and her daughter, parents should try the following:

[1] Accept your child's current situation, including the way they interact with you. Parents must learn more about the physical and psychological development of adolescents and understand that their need for independence is inevitable. Parents must learn to communicate with their child patiently, be willing to be friends with their child, let their child take the lead, and be "passively obedient" as a parent, so as to satisfy their child's need to form an awareness of independence.

[2] Girls' emotions are often delicate and sensitive. A careless remark from a parent may be misunderstood by the child. Communication is a bridge. Parents must strengthen communication between themselves and their children to avoid many conflicts in life. Parents must consider how to deal with rebellious girls.

For example, if girls prefer to confide in their mothers in everyday life, then mothers must provide emotional support for their daughters. Parents must also give their children enough patience and space to listen, and listen carefully to what is going on inside their children.

[3] Show your child more understanding and tolerance.

It is important to understand that the rebelliousness of adolescent girls is often more obvious and intense. When parents discover that their child is rebellious, the child hopes that the parents will understand and accept her. At this time, parents should not deny the child's behavior, and they should definitely not hit the child. Many parents who are angry may not be able to resist hitting the child for a while. However, if you do, the child will become more and more rebellious. Everyone needs self-respect, and children are no exception.

Put yourself in the child's shoes. Understand her more, respect and tolerate her, and allow her to have her own thoughts.

[4] Help your child build self-confidence and guide them in managing their emotions. Parents must learn to manage their emotions and not lose their temper or hit others.

I urge the questioner to consider this: Do you praise your children in your life? Many parents are unaware that praising children not only brings them closer to you, but also plays a positive role in shaping their character.

When you face a rebellious girl, give her appropriate praise, not for her rebellious behavior, but for example, when she does a chore or gets good grades. Encourage her more and encourage her to keep doing it. This will lead to a positive change in your child.

[5] Parents must understand that the approach with rebellious teenage girls cannot be the same as with boys. While it may be possible to just say it outright with boys, this will not work with girls. Parents must face the emotional rebellion of girls and also carefully protect their emotions.

The above is a response to the original poster's question. It is my opinion, and I am confident it will spark discussion and lead to more thinking. I also hope to inspire and help the original poster, and welcome more in-depth exchanges. I am certain that the original poster will soon understand the characteristics of children in adolescence, see the truth of their development, and act accordingly, so that they can easily and happily communicate with their children!

I am here to tell you that you are wrong.

I am sunshine, the world, and I love you!

At the end of the day, learning is up to your child. If they don't do well in school, it might not seem to have any consequences for now. They can still eat well and dress well. They can thrive under their parents' care and become more and more rebellious. Your daughter is now at the right age for high school.

It's totally normal for kids to rebel sometimes, and it's also normal for them to lose interest in school. It could be that learning is just boring, or maybe the school curriculum isn't appealing. It's also possible that she feels very uncomfortable with the amount of homework assigned. It seems like there's a bit of a cold war going on between you and your daughter. It's totally understandable that your relationship seems to be becoming less stable in this state.

It can be really tough when you want to communicate with your child but don't know how, especially when some of her views just make you so angry. It's possible that she's just ignorant or that she's testing you, and her anger makes you itch to lash out. You may even have hit her because of this anger, and she has sensed the pressure in the family.

It could be that you're trying to educate her, or maybe you're just trying to show your authority. Either way, it's clear that now that she's taking online classes at home, it's even easier for you to see eye to eye and intensify conflicts, making communication more difficult. She doesn't do a lot of her homework, which makes it tough for her to improve her academic performance.

If she gets a relatively good score on the college entrance exam, the other party will be more likely to skip school, which can make you feel like her current state of mind is terrible and worrying. It seems like she's no longer focusing on her studies but on other things. The other party has even blocked you on social media. Maybe you could let your child seek psychological counseling on her own initiative? Your child's communication education is a long-term matter, and you shouldn't make extreme choices due to temporary changes in grades. You could still try to ease the relationship and find out the reasons for her school refusal. Good luck!

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