Don't want to go home, I'm so tired, how can I stay away from them?

Hello, question asker. I can see that you're feeling confused. I'm here to support you.

Could I ask why your grandfather is so controlling?

It's possible that his behavior is influenced by his own family of origin.

It might be the case that when he was growing up, he had a father who was very controlling.

It's possible that, after growing up in an environment where he was constantly exposed to this, he also became a person with a strong desire for control.

And, of course, there is one more thing to consider: your grandfather is also a normal person.

It is only natural that he has his own limitations and areas where he could improve.

It can be challenging when you go home and hear your grandfather express concerns about your parents.

Given your love for both of them, it can be challenging to know how to proceed.

If you feel that going home and being a lobbyist is not for you, you could perhaps try communicating with your mother in a different way.

Perhaps it would be helpful for you to speak up and let your mother know that she may have inadvertently put you in a difficult situation.

I'm sure your mother would prefer you to return home feeling happy and content.

I truly hope that the issue you're facing can be resolved as soon as possible.

At this moment, I am only able to think of the aforementioned solution.

I hope my above answer is helpful and inspiring to you, the questioner. I am the answerer, and I study hard every day.

I would like to extend my best wishes to you here at Yixinli.

I hope this finds you well. I just wanted to drop you a quick line to see how you're doing. I'm sending you lots of good wishes for a speedy resolution to the issue you're facing.

Hello.

It's important to understand your feelings. The stress and conflicts in your family environment can really make you feel tired and helpless. Staying away from your family is not an easy decision, but if you really feel the need for some time and space to adjust your state, you need to take action to make it happen.

First, communicate your feelings and needs honestly with your family. Tell them you need time and space to think about your future and lifestyle. They should understand and support your decision.

You should also look for solutions to problems together with your family or get professional help from a family counselor to resolve conflicts and improve relationships.

Second, you should consider temporarily moving out of your family environment, renting a house, or sharing a flat with friends. This will give you the independent space and time you need to adjust. During this process, you can find your own interests and social circles, and cultivate your independent living skills and self-confidence.

Stay connected and communicate with your family. Let them know how you are doing and what you are thinking.

Finally, don't neglect your emotional and mental health. If you feel low, anxious, or depressed, seek professional counseling or therapy.

Take control of your stress and fatigue by trying some relaxing methods, such as exercise, meditation, and travel.

You will make the right decision. Stay positive and confident. Believe in yourself. You will overcome the difficulties and move on to a better future.

It is also important to take care of your physical health and safety. Avoid making hasty decisions or actions.

I understand you've been through a lot. It's not easy to find solutions in these situations, but there are ways to help.

Understand and accept.

Your grandfather's behavior may come from his worldview. In his view, strict education and control may be the best way to show love.

This doesn't mean he was right, but it might help you forgive him.

2. Set boundaries.

As an adult, you should set healthy personal boundaries. This means telling your family what you need and what you don't like.

Tell your grandparents and parents that certain topics or behaviors make you feel uncomfortable. Ask them to respect your feelings. There may be resistance to setting boundaries, but this is important for your emotional well-being.

3. Communication

Be open and honest with your parents and grandfather. Tell them how you feel and try to understand their perspective.

If you can, get a neutral third party to help, like a family counselor. This can help you understand each other better and find solutions.

4. Get help.

Seek support from a psychologist, friend, or support group.

They can support you emotionally, help you deal with inner conflicts, and offer new perspectives.

5. Grow as a person.

Focus on yourself. Do things you enjoy, learn new skills, and make friends.

This will help you build self-confidence and escape family pressure.

6. Time and space

Sometimes, time and space help solve problems. You may need to leave the family and live independently.

You don't have to cut off ties with your family. Give yourself a chance to grow and discover yourself.

7. Get professional help.

Consider professional mental health services. A counselor can help you understand your emotions, learn coping skills, and deal with family relationships.

Changing family dynamics and dealing with emotional pain is hard. You are not alone.

Every step is a step towards a healthier you and better family relationships. Give yourself time and space. You will find a solution that suits you.

Dear questioner, I am confident that my reply will help and support you.

You've started working, but you're still stuck dealing with your grandfather and parents. It's a painful situation. It's tough to get along with them during the pandemic, and you want to stay away from them and live your own life. It's simply too difficult.

Your mother calls you to solve your younger brother's problems, which shows that you are very important in the family. You know that your grandfather will listen to you, and your mother is very passive. In the process of getting along with your grandfather, you also feel powerless and helpless. You also hope that you can stay by her side. Your mother feels the same as you, and is also being controlled. Enduring your grandfather's control.

As a child, you tried to please your grandfather to get away from his control. You found that this approach doesn't work. You lost yourself. You want to do your best at work and achieve good results.

This relationship with your grandfather will be reflected in your relationship with your parents. You may appear to be obedient, but inside, you hate them intensely. You grew up without the company of your parents, and you don't know how you survived those lonely days. You can only survive by pleasing others. Do you feel abandoned? You are not very close to your parents.

Your grandfather raised you, and you feel grateful towards him, as well as humiliated by being controlled. It's simply too difficult. You also resent your parents, and you're struggling to untangle all these emotions. How do you change this state of affairs?

You can't change your grandparents.

You must distance yourself from them and take a short break. You have to face the problem head-on. Your grandfather is presumably not young anymore, so you release the emotions inside him and accompany him.

You are very important in this family. When Mum encounters a difficult problem, she comes to you first. You know your place.

If you're not happy, you can't take care of others.

First, focus on yourself. The past is gone. It's true that it leaves you with a bad feeling, but you can choose to feel no regrets in the present.

You will change, and Grandpa will change too. This process is painful, but you must give yourself time and space.

You must step away from their control, step away from their negativity, see yourself, meet your own needs, and accept what you cannot do at the moment if you want to understand others.

You're welcome.

Dear question asker,

I can appreciate your perspective. It seems that Grandpa has been guiding you in a certain way since you were young, and it can feel limiting to not have more flexibility.

From his perspective, he may be seen as a strict grandfather and an obedient granddaughter. However, from your viewpoint, he is perceived as a controlling grandfather and a pleasing granddaughter.

It seems that you may have been suppressing yourself to conform to his control.

I wonder if this kind of life makes you feel depressed.

It is possible that a parent or elder who loves their child may sometimes express their love in ways that are not beneficial to the child's happiness or the strength of the parent-child relationship.

It would be beneficial for elders to consider embracing new knowledge and perspectives. When we remain confined to our old ways of thinking, it can be challenging to accept new ideas. Sometimes, things that challenge our beliefs may feel like a significant obstacle. This can prevent us from fully supporting the growth and evolution of our families.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the situation from another perspective. Could there be any reasonable rules that could be accepted in Grandpa's control, such as not leaving any food uneaten after a meal? It might be helpful to think about what we mean by family education in terms of family rules.

Some may be retained, while others may need to be reconsidered.

Mom would like you to be the one to negotiate with Grandpa. She thinks you have a good relationship with him and that you can probably convince him. She also thinks you are the more sensible person in the family and represent the family's progressive ideas.

Grandpa has a different way of thinking than many people do these days.

It can be challenging to persuade those who are stubborn.

In some cases, it may be preferable to act without informing him, provided that the outcome is satisfactory. He will likely come to accept it over time.

Sometimes the opinions of parents or elders are just for reference, and you still need to make your own choices. In this case, "you" does not refer to you or your grandfather, but rather to your younger brother, who needs to make his own choices and take responsibility for them.

It is inevitable that the older generation will pass on their methods of adapting to society and their fears to the next generation. However, it is important to recognise that some of these methods may not align with the times. It is always valuable to listen, even if you agree with them superficially, and to do what you believe is right.

After all, he is of an advanced age, and if something were to happen to his body because of anger, it would undoubtedly be a source of great distress for you.

I know it's tough, but try to stay strong.

Hello, I'm listening.

See your emotions and conflicts.

1. You and your grandfather: You're grateful to your grandfather for raising you, but you resent the restrictions he imposed, which made it difficult for you to adapt to society when you grew up.

2. You and your parents: You don't have a close relationship.

3. You don't mention your younger brother.

4. You want to escape from this family. They all have their own ideas and don't listen to each other. They all want to control you.

You don't want to be a victim or a sandwich. It suffocates you.

Your boundaries are destroyed and trampled.

Take care of yourself.

1. You summarize well.

Sadness from the past decade.

You know how persistent you are. You have discovered that it is not easy to be aware, to observe your own behavior, to recognize where it leads to trouble, and to make friends.

2. Speak up.

Have you talked to your grandfather? Tell him how he treats you.

You feel sad. Are you being oppressed?

It's not your grandfather's fault. He's just showing you love.

His love is too much for you. He doesn't know how to show his love, so it makes you feel overwhelmed. I think he's sorry.

You can also tell your parents what you think about your grandfather and being a grandfather.

What do you think?

3. Light can shine through cracks.

Every crisis brings opportunity. You can take this as an opportunity.

Take this chance to express yourself. How will you know if you don't try? That crack is where the light comes in.

A new tooth might grow and bear fruit.

I'm listening. I hope it helps. Give it time. He will always bear fruit.

From your description, your growth experience can be roughly divided into three stages: (1) living alone with your grandfather, (2) returning to live with your parents with your grandfather, and (3) living in a boarding school until you started working and living on your own.

In regard to the initial period of your upbringing, you have indicated that your grandfather exhibited a tendency toward excessive control. From an alternative perspective, however, this behavior may be better understood as an expression of a desire to protect, which could potentially facilitate your acceptance of it. In response to your grandfather's control, you sought to please him, which is more accurately described as obedience.

The act of pleasing another individual generally entails an active effort to comprehend their thoughts and desires. In this context, the objective is to fulfill the requests and adhere to the rules set forth by the grandfather, akin to an invisible chain that constrains one's autonomy.

The converse of relinquishing one's autonomy is the formation of beneficial routines and the assurance of personal security. However, it is imperative to assess the rationality of your grandfather's expectations and ascertain whether they are conducive to your future independence. It is evident that you possess a considerable degree of autonomy.

In regard to the second paragraph, the question of returning to your parents' side with your grandfather is a complex one. Given that you were brought up by your grandfather since you were young, it is understandable that you are not close to your own parents and seem unfamiliar.

The crux of the matter is the grandfather's desire to exert control, and the parents' sole contribution was a single sentence. During the pandemic, the subject experienced distress, a desire to leave the home environment promptly, and a longing to reunite with friends.

The challenging aspect of this situation is that you hold a degree of blame for your parents' decision to leave you in the care of a particularly strict grandfather. The nature of this controlling upbringing has led to the inward direction of your emotions. It would have been more beneficial for you to express your dissatisfaction with your parents rather than experiencing feelings of guilt.

It is reasonable to conclude that the grandfather in question should still be regarded as a more significant figure in the subject's life than the parents, despite the latter's disciplinary approach. With regard to the third paragraph, it is notable that the younger brother's recent participation in a sports enhancement class has caused considerable disquiet on the part of the grandfather. In light of this, the mother has requested that the subject intervene and persuade the grandfather, on the grounds that the subject is in closer proximity to the latter and is therefore more likely to be heard.

You are now working for yourself, and you no longer have to interact with your parents and grandfather on a daily basis. You should still feel relatively comfortable, but you are reluctant to resume your previous relationship with them, which would be disadvantageous. You can alter your perspective. After all, you also stated that your grandfather raised you for over ten years, and anger is detrimental to one's health. You can persuade him to refrain from anger and to express his grievances without taking them personally.

(It is human nature to sneer at those who challenge one's own perceptions.) With regard to your parents, it is advisable to act in accordance with your own conscience, without allowing moral considerations to become a source of distress.

As previously stated, it was recommended that we prioritize our own happiness and wellbeing before attending to the needs of others. Despite the challenges you have faced, it is essential to strive for a fulfilling life, independent of external expectations.

I encourage you to persevere.

I hope my answer helps you.

From your description, it's clear that you take on the emotions of many family members, but they all trust you. This makes you feel bad being caught in the middle. When conflicts erupt, you feel that they are on opposing sides, and it seems that you need to choose a side to take. But you don't have to. It may seem that they are on opposing sides, but in fact, their needs are the same. They all hope that your younger brother can do better, and they are all thinking about your younger brother's future. If you communicate effectively, you can resolve such conflicts and enhance the relationship between family members through conflict.

You must take care of yourself first. Only when you are stable and have the ability and energy to take care of yourself will you be able to help your family. We also need to look at the issue of pleasing others dialectically. Pleasing others is not useless. It has also given you protection. We need to understand ourselves and upgrade our defense mechanisms, which will make you feel more comfortable and at ease in relationships.

I advise you to:

First and foremost, we must take care of ourselves, our emotions, our needs, and our feelings.

From your description, it's clear that your family members don't understand you. They have their own needs and expectations. You want your grandfather to stop controlling you and start believing in and recognizing you. You want your parents to stop ignoring you and start seeing you and caring about you. They haven't given you that, and they can't give it to you because they don't have it themselves.

Your grandfather's strong desire for control was due to a deep inner sense of insecurity. He needed to feel secure through extreme control because he didn't trust and recognize himself. We cannot give others what we don't have, and we cannot ask others for what they don't have. Fortunately, what we want is already within us. We are complete in our own nature, self-sufficient and self-contained.

We must learn to care for ourselves. This means taking care of our feelings, needs, and emotions. When you need recognition, affirm and support yourself. Don't doubt or deny yourself.

Read books such as The Power of Self-Care, When You Start Loving Yourself, the World Will Come to Love You, and Rebuilding Your Life to learn how to take care of and care for yourself.

2. Don't get involved in their emotions or take sides when facing conflicts and contradictions. Promote communication and relationship development through effective communication.

Take this matter of your younger brother, for example. It doesn't matter if it's your grandfather, your parents, or even you—everyone is trying to do what is best for your younger brother, hoping that he can develop better. Their approaches and methods may differ, but their needs are the same. Listen to their inner feelings and needs, and you'll see that their positions and perspectives on the surface may differ, but their needs are the same.

When you communicate with them, you don't have to choose who to help or who is right and who is wrong. You need to listen to their respective needs, see their needs, understand them, and when they are seen, their emotions will be relieved. So, why does grandpa keep complaining about dad or mom? What are his needs?

Specifically, what does he want his parents to do? Listen to what his parents have to say. What are their needs? What do they want his father to do?

If possible, organize them to sit together and communicate with each other honestly. This will help them see each other's deep needs and true feelings, and establish a deep connection in the relationship. This way, they will not often quarrel due to such conflicts in the future. They will learn to express themselves effectively in the relationship and truly solve problems.

This is difficult, but you can do it. Read the books Nonviolent Communication, The Art of Communication, and Crucial Conversations.

3. We must be objective about pleasing others.

As you said, being agreeable helped you survive as a child. However, it is not applicable in some interpersonal relationships nowadays. We should not deny our own agreeableness for this reason. Being agreeable is not useless. It is even beneficial in some relationships.

It is crucial to understand ourselves and recognize the impact of our growth experiences on our lives. While we may have a pleasant pattern, it is not realistic to expect a complete overnight transformation. It is essential to identify the relationships where pleasing is beneficial and can be maintained, and to recognize when it is possible to adjust and upgrade our defenses. By accepting ourselves, we can strengthen our inner strength, giving us the courage to prioritize our needs, express our true feelings, and accept the consequences of being disliked or even hated by others.

You should definitely participate in the platform's pocket exercise, "Breaking the Compliant Personality." It will be very helpful for you.

This is just a reference. Best wishes!