From childhood to adulthood, I feel oppressed. How do I find myself and be true to myself?

Dear Questioner,

I empathize with your situation. Being a child in a foreign country must have been challenging, isolating, and distressing.

In life, individuals aspire to form sincere relationships and anticipate being treated with kindness by others. Consequently, they strive to reciprocate benevolence. When others fail to treat them as anticipated, they subconsciously reflect on themselves and invest even more. Concurrently, this expectation of being rewarded intensifies, potentially leading to feelings of increasing disappointment and the establishment of a vicious cycle. The more one seeks but cannot obtain, the more one desires to grasp.

Why do we persist in seeking authentic connections with others and find it challenging to move on?

Indeed, this preoccupation is rooted in a lack of self-worth, stemming from the belief that one is undeserving of kindness and respect simply for existing. In the field of self-psychology, this is manifested as a lack of confidence in being loved. The notion of confidence in being loved encompasses the sense of self-worth and the conviction that one is worthy of love and positive treatment.

Individuals who have been neglected by their parents during their formative years may experience difficulties in establishing a positive sense of being loved. For instance, those who were treated as outsiders during childhood may be particularly vulnerable to feelings of loneliness and sadness. Additionally, individuals who are perceived as outsiders are often overlooked or neglected by their caregivers.

In such cases, individuals may attempt to demonstrate their worthiness of love through their actions. This pattern of reciprocal kindness, initiated in childhood, becomes an ingrained assumption as one matures. The assumption is that if one is kind to others, they will be treated with kindness in return. This mindset not only leads to a tendency to invest a great deal of emotional and psychological capital in relationships, but it also frequently results in feelings of disappointment and resentment, which can place undue pressure on the other person.

When sincerity becomes a significant source of distress, it can lead individuals to seek ways to avoid such situations. In such cases, it is crucial to identify effective coping strategies to manage the associated distress and promote resilience.

Firstly, there is no inherent problem with being sincere and friendly towards others. Secondly, it is entirely reasonable to expect others to treat you with the same sincerity. However, if these expectations are not met, or if they cause distress, it may be helpful to consider ways of regaining confidence in being loved.

Two exercises may be undertaken to assist in this process.

Exercise 1: It is recommended that, on a daily basis, a period of time be set aside for the purpose of immersing oneself in a state of positive thought. One may attempt to induce a state of hypnosis through the use of positive verbal affirmations, with the objective of developing a sense of confidence in the belief that one is loved. One may, for example, attempt to say to oneself:

Firstly, it is important to recognise your own worth and value. You deserve to be respected, treated well and loved. Your very existence is worthy of positive experiences, including any interpersonal relationships.

Secondly, it is important to recognise that previous actions taken to please others for various reasons were not a result of any fault on your part. At this moment, it is my intention to convey my love for you as a result of who you are.

Thirdly, in the future, there will be no necessity for any action on your part to be taken in order to be loved, as I will always be present to offer you my love.

Exercise 2: Document the daily instances of being loved in a personal journal.

The formation of beliefs is contingent upon experience. It can be posited that the more profound an experience, the stronger the resulting belief. This assertion can be extended to encompass the belief in being loved. It is possible to cultivate the belief in unconditional love and kindness through the practice of capturing and recording experiences of such love in one's daily life, regardless of their perceived significance.

For example, after posting a journal entry on the Yi Xin Li platform, one may receive likes and affirmations from other users on the platform. Similarly, writing an article may result in heartfelt affirmations and compliments from readers.

Such experiences of being loved will facilitate the establishment of a firm belief in one's own love and acceptance, gradually and consistently. It is essential to recognize the necessity of withdrawing some of the strength we devote to others and focusing it on ourselves. When we live with confidence and relaxation, positive relationships will naturally emerge. These relationships will be more enduring and beneficial.

It is my hope that this response is of some assistance to you. Wishing you a pleasant life.

Good morning.

From what you've shared, it seems like you're a well-behaved child at home. It's understandable that you feel like you've given a lot, but it seems like your family might not be as supportive as you'd like. I can relate to how you're feeling, and I'm sending you a hug from afar.

It's understandable that everyone desires to be seen, encouraged, and affirmed. You've invested a great deal of effort at home, yet haven't received the praise you were hoping for from your family. This has understandably led to feelings of disappointment in yourself and a lack of confidence.

From my perspective, it seems that you are trying to please others, whether they are your friends or your family. It appears that you are putting the needs of others before your own, and that you are suppressing your own needs and thoughts. This may be making you feel very tired. It seems that you are constantly trying to please others without getting anything in return, which is why you are now awakening to this.

While it is important to listen to our family and do things for them, it is also crucial to learn to prioritize our own needs and feelings, take good care of ourselves, boost our self-esteem, and learn to be confident. We live in this world, and it is not necessary to please anyone, including our family.

Learning to truly be yourself is not about doing things for other people, but about doing things that are your own. It is important to be able to distinguish between other people's things and your own. Topic separation is a valuable skill. Topic separation means that you are responsible for your own things, and I am responsible for my own things. When faced with friends who hurt you, you can also choose to refuse to associate with them. It's helpful to have your own principles and boundaries. If others violate your principles, we can also use anger to express our feelings. At the same time, choosing to be friends with others is also our own decision. If the other person hurts me, I can choose to respond in a way that is respectful to myself. Believe in yourself, cultivate your own spirit and independent personality, and let yourself be a self-respecting and confident person. This is a necessary process in the growth process, so try to stay positive.

I hope my answer is helpful to you.

You are absolutely right to feel that way! You have described the reason so clearly – you suppress your own needs and put the needs of others first.

The methods and strategies you use are to listen, read between the lines, and help those around you. As a child who could not take care of yourself, and with the experience of being in foster care, these strategies were effective ways to survive! You have experienced the adverse consequences, but you have also learned and grown from them. You feel depressed and have distanced yourself from your true self, but you can and will get through this.

First of all, I want you to know that you are not at fault for this. You have done so well! You have secured your basic survival and survived.

Now, it's time to adjust this previous strategy and find yourself again!

Secondly, I want to congratulate you on taking the first step to finding yourself again. This is an excellent place to start your journey to discovering your true self!

In this respect, your suffering and pain are the most fundamental driving force for your growth and change—and they're also the key to your transformation!

I would say that you should adjust your strategy and mode of getting along with others, and adjust the order of your psychological priorities. You can do this! Putting others first in everything will slowly, through trial and practice, and over a long period of time, eventually change to putting yourself first – your feelings, your needs.

I'm here to remind you that this is a common misconception. Putting yourself first is not the opposite of putting others first. In other words, there is no such thing as a black-and-white dichotomy of "putting yourself first is selfish, while putting others first is selfless." Putting yourself first is not contradictory to taking care of others. It is taking care of others and considering their needs without compromising or hurting yourself.

You have every right to put yourself first, meet your own needs first, and take care of your own feelings! If someone asks you to sacrifice yourself to satisfy them, it's time to set boundaries. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled, and you have the power to make that happen.

The above responses are at the level of thinking, including general approaches. As a counseling practitioner, I would like to say that you need to be fully prepared mentally, give yourself time and patience, don't expect instant results, and don't give up just because it's not easy. Because finding yourself again is a long journey that may take more than a year, and you may even need the support of a professional. After all, it took you many years to lose yourself, and it will take time to find it again. In addition, the overall environment is actually not friendly – there are a lot of forces in the environment that expect you to sacrifice yourself for the sake of others. But you can beat them!

But I absolutely believe that if you are willing to find yourself, you will always find yourself! It's worth every second, even if it takes a lifetime.

I'm thrilled to recommend a book that I think you'll find really relevant to your topic: The Awakening of Women, by the amazing counselor Shafali Thapar.

I'm sending you all my best wishes and I can't wait to hear about how you're growing!