From the pit of the original family to the pit of marriage, family members still push them into the pit, unable to escape.

Good morning, Thank you for your question.

From your description, I can discern your inner confusion and sense of helplessness. At the same time, you have a good sense of awareness. You did not notice this uncomfortable feeling, but you faced it courageously, which is commendable.

After reviewing your description, I understand your feelings of helplessness and exhaustion. I offer my support and encouragement.

The educational model of our original family has a significant impact on us. Due to a lack of positive reinforcement, we are unaware of what constitutes happiness. Consequently, we seek to distance ourselves from our student families. When we form a romantic partnership, we unconsciously replicate the dynamics of our original family. Furthermore, we lack self-esteem, which hinders our ability to love ourselves and establish a healthy, independent family unit. We tend to place expectations on our new family, and if they fail to meet those expectations, we experience distress.

You inquired at the conclusion of the discussion. If you are aware of what constitutes happiness, you may be less likely to make hasty decisions that could have negative consequences. This is a highly probable outcome. The renowned psychologist Adler once stated, "The fortunate are healed by their childhood within their lifetime, while the unfortunate heal their childhood within their lifetime. Due to a lack of positive experiences during our formative years, we lack an understanding of what love looks like, how to love others, and how to love ourselves. This lack of knowledge leads to a lack of power and a lack of happiness in our lives, which also affects our lives.

All problems can be viewed as potential resources. We are the experts in solving our own problems. When you become aware and come here to talk about it, you are already on the path to change.

Based on your questions and my assessment of the situation, I would like to offer some advice that I hope will be helpful.

First and foremost, it is essential to be more aware.

When faced with confusion and emotional distress, it is essential to maintain awareness of one's own thoughts and feelings. Refraining from self-judgment and analysis allows for a more objective understanding of the underlying needs driving one's emotions. This process of awareness enables the identification of one's true desires and goals, empowering individuals to make more informed and effective decisions.

Secondly, it is important to learn to love yourself.

I appreciate that you want to live a relaxed and carefree life and have the strength to be happy. Regardless of whether you choose to get a divorce or continue living your life, I would like to suggest that you learn to love yourself, respect yourself, accept yourself, and allow yourself to nourish yourself with love. Only when you learn to love yourself and have inner strength can you give and receive love more effectively. At the same time, you can also gain the strength to be happy. When you have enough strength, you will be able to make decisions that will allow you to live a good life.

Then, adjust your state of mind.

While you may currently be experiencing a challenging emotional cycle and feeling trapped by your emotions, I hope you believe that you can change and make a breakthrough. Gradually adjust your mindset through positive mental suggestions and meditation exercises, and actively address some of the issues in your life.

It is also advisable to seek assistance from external resources.

Everyone encounters various problems in life. When we encounter problems and are unsure of the best course of action, I recommend seeking the guidance of a professional counselor. These professionals possess the skills necessary to delve deeply into your previous experiences, heal your inner self, adjust your perception, provide the strength to face difficulties, and enable you to adjust to challenges in a timely manner, ultimately making your life easier and more carefree.

Additionally, pursuing your interests, learning psychology, or reading psychology books can facilitate self-growth and healing.

As long as you are willing, you can find a way out of this predicament. Life heals those who are willing to be healed. If you ever feel overwhelmed by emotions in life and don't know what to do, you can also come to this platform. The little friends on this platform will always be there for you and support you. We are always here for you.

I would like to suggest a few books that I believe you may find helpful.

We suggest the following resources: Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, The Third Alternative, Mental Nutrition, Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychologist, 5% Change, Why Does Home Hurt? and How the New Family Shapes People, Love Yourself Every Day, and Self-Nurturing.

Please accept this gesture of support and encouragement from me, even though we are not in the same location.

I am grateful for the opportunity to provide support and assistance based on your request for help.

It is important to recognize that the original family and parents are circumstances that are beyond our control. As adults, we can take steps to improve our ability to accept these circumstances. This involves accepting ourselves and our parents, even if they are unable to provide the support we need.

When we are aware of this aspect of our development as a potential area for improvement and are willing to make changes, we can utilize our own learning and growth as a means of self-care, guided by this awareness, to mitigate the unconscious trauma of the original family dynamic.

The manner in which an individual is treated directly correlates with their subsequent treatment of others. The unconscious emotional harm caused by parents during one's upbringing was not intentional; rather, it was a result of their own experiences of being unloved and unable to love in a similar manner.

As a result, they are less able to provide the nurturing and emotional support you require. What are your thoughts on this matter?

It is therefore important to take back some of the expectations you have of your parents and treat yourself in a way that you feel is appropriate given your own learning and growth. For example, when you feel the need to be comforted, accepted, accompanied, listened to, encouraged and supported, it is important not to care about other people's attitude towards you, but to follow your heart and treat yourself in a way that makes you feel cared for and nurtured. For example, you can allow yourself to express your grievances, vulnerability and powerlessness through crying, because crying is also a way to release emotions.

Furthermore, it is important to be able to communicate your needs and feelings to those close to you in an honest and open manner. It is also essential to accept that others may not be able to respond in the way you expect.

Your family members demonstrate indifference regarding your marital happiness, prioritizing the mere existence of your marriage over your emotional well-being.

You experience feelings of grievance, anger, and frustration due to a lack of acknowledgment, neglect, misunderstanding, rejection, and a perceived lack of love.

It is evident that your partner's primary concern is your need for a marital relationship. This is likely due to the fact that your state of being has triggered their inner panic and unease, leading them to believe that losing the relationship would result in a loss of self-worth. It is important to note that they may have lacked a strong sense of identity throughout their life, particularly after entering into marriage, where their lives are often centered around their children, husband, and family, with limited space for themselves. From their perspective, the self that gives and gives to others is the one that feels a sense of value, otherwise, they may not feel that they deserve to exist.

What is your response?

In light of their lack of acceptance, understanding, and indifference, you may choose to express your true inner feelings and needs in a courageous and sincere manner. However, it is important to recognize the need to let go of expectations. With the ability and resources at your disposal, you have the opportunity to nurture yourself anew and pursue your desired outcomes through your own efforts.

What is your response to this situation?

I suggest you read the following articles: "The Family of Origin," "The Bond of Parents," "We Have All Been Hurt, But We Have a Better Life," and "Overcoming the Mountain Within."

Dear friend, I can feel the confusion and struggle in your words. It's so hard when you're constantly jumping from one pit to another, isn't it? I know how you feel. I've been there, too. It's tough when you're facing the challenges of your family of origin and marriage. But you know what? You're not alone. I'm here for you. You long for happiness, and I believe you'll find it.

Your experience reminds me of something called "learned helplessness." It was developed by psychologist Martin Seligman. It describes a psychological state in which an individual feels unable to control their situation after experiencing repeated failure and frustration. This can lead to giving up trying to change the situation.

Our family of origin is the environment in which we grow up. It has a profound influence on our values, beliefs, and patterns of behavior. If you didn't see a model of happiness in your family of origin, it can be more difficult to find and define happiness. But don't worry! You can work through this.

But don't forget, you can create your own happiness! With a little self-reflection, learning, and practice, you can gradually understand what happiness means to you and work towards it.

It's totally normal to feel trapped in a marriage when you're facing challenges. The stories you mentioned, "The Disliked Pine Cone," "The Well," and "The Abducted Woman," all show characters who are struggling in difficult situations but feel like they're stuck.

These stories show us that everyone feels powerless at times when they're facing difficult situations. But the good news is that everyone has the ability to change their lives!

If you feel trapped, it's so important to seek help and support. There are people out there who are willing to help you find a way out, whether through counseling, a social support network, or other means.

You also mentioned some great examples of happy families, like "Mr. Yang Jiang and Mr. Qian Zhongshu" and "A Family in London." These stories show us that a happy marriage is all about mutual respect, understanding, and support.

Even if you're already married, there's still hope! You can always work to improve your marriage or seek change if you need to.

It's so common for parents' behavior to reflect their own upbringing. They may have unintentionally hurt us because they just didn't know any better.

This kind of hurt isn't caused by malice, but by their own lack of emotional education. So, we shouldn't just blame them, but try to understand their limitations and learn from them.

It can be really helpful to try to stop expecting so much from our parents and start focusing on ourselves. We can learn to treat ourselves with the same love and kindness we want to receive from others through self-learning and personal growth.

When we feel the need for comfort, companionship, encouragement, and support, it's so important to face our inner feelings and express and satisfy these needs in a way that suits us. Crying, as a way to release emotions, is a totally valid and healthy way to cope.

At the same time, it's also important to learn to express our needs and feelings sincerely. We can't always expect others to meet our expectations, but we can try our best to accept reality.

When it comes to marriage, we might feel like our family members don't understand us. They might be more focused on whether we're married than on how happy we are.

This feeling can make us feel angry and frustrated. It can even make us feel afraid that our loved ones will reject us.

In their minds, they can only feel their own value by giving and contributing. It's so important to remember that we mustn't take this personally! In the face of this situation, we must bravely express our true feelings and needs, but at the same time, we must also learn to let go of our expectations of our family members.

You also made a really important point when you said that happiness has nothing to do with money, fame, or power.

Happiness is all about how we feel inside, the relationships we have with other people, and the way we live our lives. The good news is that we already have the ability and resources to nurture ourselves. We can give ourselves what we once expected from others through learning and hard work.

Everyone has the right to pursue happiness and a healthy life. You've got this! Don't be afraid to ask for help, and don't be afraid to make changes.

You've already taken the first step towards recognizing and expressing your feelings, and that in itself is a powerful action. Keep going, and I truly believe you will find your own happiness.

Every effort deserves to be seen, and every drop of sweat deserves to be respected. And feedback, attention, and praise are not only a form of recognition, but also an incentive!

This kind of feedback is like spring rain nourishing our hearts, giving us more motivation to pursue excellence and create more value. It's like a warm, comforting embrace from the world around us, reminding us that we're loved and supported on our journey.

I'd highly recommend reading The Five Love Languages.

From an observational perspective, it is evident that the emotions experienced are a reflection of inner confusion and bewilderment. It is a widely acknowledged fact that marriage and family are an integral aspect of an individual's life. However, following the occurrence of setbacks and pain, it is not uncommon for individuals to develop doubts about the institution of marriage.

It is a fallacy to believe that a happy marriage can be purchased with money, fame, or power. Rather, a happy marriage is based on mutual respect, appreciation, and understanding.

Gaining an understanding of a happy marriage can assist in developing a more nuanced comprehension of one's own needs and expectations for the future. Despite past experiences that may evoke feelings of confusion and powerlessness, the pursuit of a happy marriage remains a worthwhile endeavor.

The decision of which type of marriage is most suitable for an individual involves the consideration of numerous factors. The following recommendations are designed to assist in the process of determining the optimal marital structure.

1. Personality Match: An individual's personality traits may influence their role in a marriage and the quality of their relationship with their partner. If a couple finds that their personalities align, their marriage may be more stable and satisfying.

2. Similar Values: Values are defined as beliefs and principles about what is important in life. When two individuals share similar values, they are more likely to empathize with each other and resolve conflicts in a more effective manner.

3. Interests: Shared interests may contribute to feelings of closeness and satisfaction in a marriage. When individuals engage in similar activities, they may spend more time together, which could enhance the quality of their marriage.

4. Family Background: Family background and upbringing can also influence marital satisfaction. Couples who share similar family backgrounds and upbringing are more likely to understand and support each other, which can contribute to a higher level of marital satisfaction.

5. Communication style: Communication in marriage is of great consequence to the relationship between the two people. If the communication styles of the two individuals are similar, it may be easier to communicate with each other and resolve problems.

6. Marital expectations: The expectations held by each partner regarding the nature of the marriage are also a factor in considering the suitability of the marriage. If the expectations of the two partners are similar, there is a greater likelihood that the needs of both will be met and that common goals will be achieved.

It is crucial to consider the needs of both partners when selecting an appropriate marriage. A successful marriage is a two-way relationship that necessitates mutual understanding and support to foster a healthy and happy family.

The decision to enter into a marital union is a significant and multifaceted one. The following recommendations are offered to assist individuals in making an optimal choice regarding marriage:

1. Self-awareness: Prior to making a marriage decision, it is essential to gain a more profound comprehension of one's own needs, values, aspirations, and personality traits. Through introspective reflection and exploration, an individual can develop a more nuanced understanding of their desired marital structure.

2. It is essential to engage in comprehensive communication with potential partners. Understanding each other's expectations, visions, values, and life goals can facilitate the determination of compatibility in these crucial aspects.

3. Support from Family and Friends: Family and friends are often able to provide objective advice and opinions. Open communication with them and consideration of their views may be beneficial in making a decision.

4. Timing and Maturity: It is advisable to avoid hasty decisions regarding marriage. Instead, it is prudent to allow sufficient time for observation and knowledge acquisition about a potential partner, as well as for the gradual development of mutual understanding. This process should be ongoing until a decision is reached regarding readiness for marriage.

5. It is imperative to engage in repeated contemplation and evaluation when making the decision to marry. One must consider all potential scenarios and challenges, as well as how both parties would address them.

6. Seek Professional Advice: If one is experiencing confusion or uncertainty, it is advisable to seek counsel from a psychologist or marriage counselor. Professional guidance may offer new perspectives and facilitate more informed decision-making.

Ultimately, marriage is a personal choice, and each individual possesses unique values and emotional needs. It is of paramount importance to ensure that the decision made is based on sound reasoning and comprehensive understanding, rather than being influenced by emotions or external pressures.

It is important to remember that everyone deserves a happy and fulfilling married life. However, it is also crucial to learn to value oneself and take responsibility for one's own happiness. It is my hope that you will be able to find the happiness you truly desire and live a satisfying life.

Hello! First of all, I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts. They've given me a fascinating glimpse into the different kinds of marriages out there. I can also feel the delicacy of your thoughts. I especially like your analysis!

I'm thrilled to answer your questions! I hope my insights will be helpful to you.

[On the signals of the body]

When there are signals in one's physical condition, it is a fantastic idea to stop and become aware! I wholeheartedly support the questioner.

Divorce can be a choice that shows you love yourself and take responsibility for your body!

If the present moment isn't the best time, there are still plenty of other ways to satisfy our need for health and responsibility for our own bodies!

There are so many possibilities! We might find ourselves trapped by things other than marriage, like independence or our own plans for life.

Absolutely! We can definitely plan our lives while waiting for the right opportunity to make a decision about ending a relationship.

[Thoughts on Marriage]

I see your description, "Knowing what a happy marriage is, will I not blindly jump into the pit?" I think that's a great question!

I'm going to take a wild guess here: is this the current attitude of the questioner towards marriage?

The questioner believes that marriage cannot work with just one person's efforts, which is an interesting perspective! An unhappy marriage is more about the other person and their family, which is something we can all relate to. An unhappy marriage cannot be changed, but there is so much we can do to improve it! There is nothing you can do about your current marriage, which is a great opportunity to focus on yourself. I cannot control my own marriage, but I can take control of my own happiness! Marriage prevents me from running my own life and living the life I want, but it also gives me the chance to learn and grow.

And we can keep adding the original poster's own real views on marriage, attitude, and what the decision is like!

This is the beginning of change!

I want to say that, in the current state, jumping out of this marriage and entering another marriage will most likely result in three exciting scenarios!

One of the best-case scenarios is that we meet someone who is perfect, and under that person's care, we feel love and happiness, slowly improve our character, and become what we want to be!

The second scenario is the best one! Both people realize that they are imperfect, but they happen to be a good match. They see their mistakes as a good opportunity to grow, and both become better versions of themselves and lead satisfying lives.

The third scenario is that both parties enter a relationship with the old patterns, continuing the previous pattern of getting along with each other. There is no growth, no awareness, no adjustment. When there are obstacles, they either endure them or complain. But there's another way!

We'll leave it there for now, but there's so much more to explore!

I want to encourage you to think about what the future will look like when you end one marriage and enter another.

And then focus on "what I can control" and "what I can do" to make the outcome develop in a direction that I am satisfied with. I can do this!

I absolutely believe that living a life of growth will attract people with the same frequency and help you live a life that looks like a template of happiness!

And let's not rely on luck to meet someone, because we'll always choose the wrong person if we do!

[About the interaction patterns of two individuals]

The book "How to Embrace a Hedgehog" mentions nine personality types of lovers: narcissistic, paranoid, performance-oriented, obsessive-compulsive, avoidant, dependent, borderline, depressive, and antisocial.

Everyone is a combination of several personalities, which makes life so interesting!

Books are an amazing resource for helping us understand ourselves and others in an intimate relationship. They can help us identify our own personality traits, the personality traits of our partner, and how our interactions affect our personalities. They also help us recognize the potential for growth and improvement in our relationships, which is essential for achieving happiness and health.

I absolutely believe that growing yourself is the best way to take care of your body! What do you think?

Absolutely! When we meet the right person, whether they're perfect or not, we can handle it!

This person could be someone in the future, or they could be the person right in front of you! Don't set limits for yourself — the possibilities are endless!

That's all I wanted to share! I wish you the best of luck, and I love you all so much! ???

To facilitate self-growth and change, it is essential to develop the ability to genuinely care for others, adapt to different situations, regulate one's emotional state, and avoid or mitigate negative emotions.

To truly love others is to wish and give others happiness, and to mentally accept, forgive, and forgive everyone, including the weak, whether they are outstanding or ordinary people. If there are mistakes or shortcomings, they can be corrected. Everyone has the right to happiness, regardless of the closeness or distance of relationships, whether they are right or wrong, gains or losses, and so on. We all hope that others can be happy. People can bring mutual comfort and even joy to each other. It is good to love and accept others and oneself, to tolerate shortcomings and deficiencies, and to be kind at heart. In other words, it is beneficial to others or society, not to despise or reject ordinary people, and not to be jealous or intolerant of outstanding people.

If you are unable to establish rapport with most people, it can lead to negative energy and emotional problems. It is essential to develop a capacity for genuine love, adaptability, and the ability to align your energy field in order to enhance your likelihood of finding and maintaining love, suitable relationships, and fulfilling careers. You can also share and exchange insights, experiences, thoughts, and interests with others in real life and on the Internet, such as Douban communities.

It is also important to maintain a positive outlook on love life and to appreciate the smaller things in life.

Negative energy can affect your physical health. To maintain optimal physical comfort and health, consider a full-body massage. A head massage includes the forehead and face, which also have meridians. Use deep and firm hand movements to massage the head, and use a firm massage comb to press the stomach. Avoid pressing the stomach on an empty stomach and then taking a walk.

It is important to understand that negative emotions and behaviors have a direct impact on one's physical and mental well-being. Individuals who experience negative emotions and behaviors often encounter unhappy people and situations, interpersonal conflicts, emotional and marital disharmony, and even problems in their academic or professional lives. This is because when an individual is overly focused on self-interest, negative energy accumulates, which disrupts their ability to connect with others. To achieve fulfillment and meaning in life, it is essential to learn how to truly love others and adapt to different individuals and situations. This involves correcting one's energy field, resolving conflicts, improving emotions and interpersonal relationships, and effectively addressing the aforementioned challenges. By doing so, individuals can develop a sense of fulfillment and meaning in their lives, while also reducing negative emotions such as separation anxiety and pain.

If necessary, they can facilitate growth and change among those in their sphere of influence.

The manifestations of excessive self-centeredness vary from person to person. They include: 1. The psychological motivation to pursue self-satisfaction, to compete for self-satisfaction, or to suppress self-deprecation and ingratiate oneself. 2. The tendency to blindly give in order to get. 3. Fear of losing. 4. Being too narcissistic or inferior. 5. Paying too much attention to oneself. 6. Generating stress and worry. 7. Social phobia. 8. Being caught up in one's own emotions and thoughts. 9. Attaching too much importance to what others think of oneself. 10. Not accepting one's own shortcomings and deficiencies. 11. Demanding one's own perfection. 12. Being obsessive, controlling, or possessing others. 13. Demanding that others satisfy oneself. 14. Resenting and being discontent. 15. Being unable to let go of oneself to forgive and be forgiving. 16. Brooding.

Those with excessive self-centeredness may exhibit behaviors such as anxiety, depression, fatigue, and difficulty adapting to social situations. In contrast, individuals who genuinely care for others and possess the ability to adapt to different environments tend to have a more positive outlook on life.