Gay, with a boyfriend of 4 years, recently discovered by parents, who say it's a disgrace

After reading your question, I believe you are a courageous and responsible individual. Despite the challenging circumstances you currently face, you have chosen to maintain your relationship with your boyfriend and are committed to avoiding any actions that might harm others. I commend you for this.

It is not possible to determine whether or not you are suffering from depression; however, it is evident that you are experiencing a certain degree of emotional distress as a result of this situation. It is not uncommon for individuals to feel a range of negative emotions, including sadness, distress, frustration, and depression, when they are misunderstood or misinterpreted.

It is not uncommon for parents who adhere to traditional beliefs and cultural norms to struggle with accepting homosexuality. Just as they may find it challenging to persuade others, it is often difficult for them to alter their own perspectives.

The question thus arises: what is the optimal course of action? The answer is clear: one must fight for it.

Four years of peace have elapsed, and now that it has been revealed, it is no longer comprehensible. It is imperative to prepare for an extended conflict with this issue. To effectively engage in this battle, it is essential to first confirm with your partner that you can maintain a unified stance.

It would be advisable to retain these negative emotions for the time being, if feasible, and to avoid their rapid resolution, as they may prove beneficial in facilitating the accomplishment of your current objectives.

It is impossible to ascertain the duration of this conflict; however, it is certain that it will conclude. I extend my best wishes for a promising future together.

Hello, stranger.

You should be commended for your efforts to maintain a love that is not recognized by the world.

It is simply not possible for the parents' generation to change their minds and accept homosexuality. The biggest problem is the issue of offspring. Then there is the shame they speak of.

As for the views of others on homosexuality, the biggest problem is that they cannot objectively view what society considers love. Orthodox love is between a man and a woman. If a man suddenly falls in love with another man, it is indeed hard for people in the world to understand, and they may even misunderstand.

You must be prepared for the fact that most people other than the parties involved still cannot accept it easily. You are challenging many things, there are many difficulties and obstacles, and even an unpredictable future.

I am certain that if they can see your happiness, some people will slowly change their original prejudiced ideas.

You will feel less regretful even if it doesn't work out in the end because you will have tried your best. No one can challenge other people's understanding of prejudiced matters. Even if you see the essence of an event, it may not necessarily eliminate your prejudices completely.

The best ending is to carry some of the prejudices of some people with you and love each other well.

You and your partner must accept some of the world's prejudices if you want to make it through this together.

Hello, Vera here. I want to talk to you about this.

You're brave to admit you're gay and to seek help.

You want your parents to accept your same-sex orientation.

There are many reasons why you can't communicate with your parents. These include differences in perception and values, social opinions, relatives' ridicule, and even the continuation of the family line.

Are these obstacles also stopping you from thinking about your parents? Do they have the courage to face everything like you do?

To communicate, consider the other person's perspective. You and I are talking, while on the other line there is hostile negotiation.

Your parents think your behavior is abnormal. When they correct you, it's like correcting a math mistake. They think if you and your friend part ways, the problem will be solved. Is that true? This is as far as they can understand. Can you help them understand you better?

Learn more about same-sex relationships? It's not easy, but it's possible.

You say you feel depressed. When people encounter problems they can't solve, they feel depressed. This is an attack on myself, and I use depression as a form of protection. Solution: Think less about questions you can't answer.

Focus on things you like. Believe you can find a way out of any problem.

Hope this helps. Thanks!

From what you've said, I can see that you're a kind person who follows your heart. You don't want to hurt innocent girls, and you're in love with your boyfriend! Despite your parents' opposition, suppression, and shame, you've suffered a lot, experienced sleep disorders, and even doubted whether you have depression. But you're stronger than that!

The great news is that you can take control of your mental health! The first step is to identify whether you are experiencing symptoms of depression. These can include low mood, slowed thinking, and reduced willpower. You can try taking a self-assessment depression test, but it is best to visit your local psychiatrist for a diagnosis.

I'm excited to share that other respondents have also given excellent advice on how to lift your spirits!

Let's talk about ideals and reality!

Your main source of pain actually comes from the gap between ideals and reality. You expect a society where the same-sex community is treated equally, like all heterosexuals, and can have normal relationships and get married. At present, more than 20 countries around the world have legalized same-sex marriage. Unfortunately, China is not one of them, but more and more countries will join in the future!

Even so, when we watch American dramas, in their culture, the parents are also very surprised when the male lead comes out of the closet, and it takes some time for them to accept it. Not to mention that in the Chinese cultural context, the limitations of the parents' generation's cognition and education make it even more difficult to accept homosexuality. But there is hope! They say that it is really sad to shame you, but it is understandable, right?

What can we do in the face of such a reality?

It's so inspiring to see how countries that accept homosexuality didn't rush to legislate for it as soon as it appeared. They waited for groups of homosexuals to rally together and pursue their rights, and look at how they've gradually been granted these rights! It's a great example for us to follow. So, let's think about what we can do for this group of our own!

Parents are still learning and growing when it comes to understanding this new reality. What an amazing opportunity for us to step in and support them!

It's great that you have parents who love and support you. But apart from them, are there any friends or relatives around you, or social groups, that support you? What can they do to help?

When we take action, we can say goodbye to anxiety and depression!

And there's more! Homosexuality is legal abroad, so you can consider getting registered there too!

Come on, let's do this! We can create a bright future full of hope.

Hello, I am Wanshi Ruyi. I can see that your current situation is very challenging. It seems that your parents do not approve of your romantic relationship and have even been physically abusive towards you. This has led to you feeling very sad and depressed.

From what I can see, you are a filial person and it is difficult for you to see your parents sad. You also love your parents very much. However, there seems to be a strong conflict and contradiction between your parents' disapproval and your own pursuit of love, which has led to you developing serious depressive moods. I understand you very much.

First, I would like to address the contradictions and conflicts that trouble you.

It is important to remember that whether it is same-sex love or bisexual love, lust itself has extensibility. This extensibility of lust is related to physiology, social environment, and sexuality, and is different for everyone. However, being different does not mean it is abnormal.

It seems that you have a boyfriend you have been in love with for four years. Your relationship must be very good and deep. You have never taken the initiative to tell your parents before because you felt that they might not be able to accept it, and you did not want your love to be opposed. You know that your parents might have some difficulty accepting a same-sex relationship.

Given the recent discovery by your parents and their strong opposition to your relationship, it's understandable that you've been facing significant challenges. Your parents hold traditional values and may also prioritize family continuity, which can make it difficult for them to accept that you are different from others. They may be influenced by external opinions and judgments, which can make it challenging for them to fully understand or accept your relationship.

I have a few friends who are also gay. They chose not to tell their parents about their relationships because they expected it to be difficult for their parents and elders to accept, so they never told their parents. Only a small circle of friends know. Because same-sex relationships face so much resistance in society, some people develop psychological problems because they are forcibly separated.

I empathize with the challenges you're facing. Your circumstances are undoubtedly complex, and it's understandable that you feel powerless and helpless at this time.

2. Your challenge with managing negative emotions.

Due to the ongoing conflict and contradictions, you are experiencing significant distress. This has led to difficulties sleeping and severe insomnia, which has contributed to feelings of depression, lethargy, and a sense of powerlessness. Additionally, you have been coping with mild obsessive-compulsive disorder and have even perceived a decline in your intelligence and eyesight, as well as a lack of meaning in life. It is evident that you have faced immense challenges. From my perspective, I empathize with your situation. You have not done anything wrong, yet you are facing blame for making different choices than others. Your right to choose your own life is being constrained.

Prolonged insomnia can cause a lot of harm, including physical discomfort and mental and psychological problems. It might be helpful to consider visiting the psychiatric department of a hospital, where a doctor could treat your sleep problems and assess your mental health status. Prolonged stress can make people feel exhausted, and it can affect both their lives and work. It might be beneficial to adjust your mood in time, focus on yourself, and prioritize your health. The following methods could potentially help you reduce depression and suffering:

You might like to consider doing the things you enjoy and that interest you more often.

It may be helpful to consider seeking medical treatment in a timely manner to improve sleep and maintain a regular diet.

You might like to consider doing more outdoor sports and taking in more of nature.

It might also be helpful to keep a diary to record your moods.

5. Consider speaking with a trusted friend.

Another option to consider is positive meditation and breathing relaxation training.

You might find it helpful to read some psychology books, such as Wu Zhihong's "Why Family Hurts" and "Have a Life Where You Call the Shots."

It might be helpful to seek the support of a counselor to accompany you through these challenging times.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful in relieving your emotions and improving your mindset.

If I might make one more observation, I find you to be a very sincere person. It seems that you are unwilling to obey your parents' wishes and compromise yourself by marrying a girl you don't love, which could potentially lead to hurt feelings on all sides. You want to be with your boyfriend openly and honestly, and I can see that you are a very responsible person and a person of integrity. I hope you can find a way out of this difficult situation and achieve the life you want for yourself. I wish you happiness!

Dear question asker,

It can be challenging to navigate the complexities of a relationship with parents who hold different beliefs and attitudes. Here are some insights that might help:

Could I ask for your advice on whether I might be suffering from depression?

From what you have described, it seems that you may have experienced some depressive episodes. However, whether or not it is depression, it would be advisable to visit the psychiatric department of a Grade III A hospital for a diagnosis. It is not possible to judge it simply from your description. In psychology, the "three lows" are often used to describe depressive episodes, namely, low mood, slow thinking, and reduced will activity. There will be individual differences in the symptoms that each depressed person displays at the beginning. Therefore, if you feel that you have significant and persistent abnormal conditions such as a low mood, it might be helpful to visit the hospital as soon as possible for a diagnosis to see if you need to take corresponding treatment measures, such as psychological treatment, medication, etc., so as to avoid long-term delays that could lead to more serious psychological problems.

It might be helpful to consider visiting a medical professional for a diagnosis. I've taken my mother there before and it only took a morning, including waiting in line.

My parents have expressed their desire for us to maintain a certain distance from each other, and they have also demonstrated a tendency to become emotionally overwhelmed in certain situations. They have conveyed that they feel I bring them shame, and that they fear their relatives and friends will also be ashamed of them if they were to discover the truth.

It is not uncommon for Chinese parents to react this way when they first hear the news. Many people still find it challenging to accept homosexuality. Some may express understanding, but only if it happens to someone else's family. When it happens to their own family, it can be a different story. I once read about a case in which a single mother with a good education raised an outstanding boy. The boy once discussed the issue of homosexuality with his mother, who expressed understanding and behaved very sensibly. So one day the boy confessed his sexual orientation and his boyfriend to his mother, but unexpectedly, his mother suddenly lost control of her emotions, which took the boy by surprise.

I hope you can understand that even if your parents have such thoughts, it is considered a normal reaction from the vast majority of parents. Please don't take it personally and try not to let it affect you emotionally. Instead, I suggest you try to view your parents' reaction from a rational perspective. After all, China is still a relatively traditional country, and parents of this generation don't know much about homosexuality. Many parents may still think that homosexuality is a disease and an abnormal behavior. Under the guidance of such concepts, it is relatively easy to understand their radical attitude towards you.

Once you have gained an understanding of your parents' behaviour and attitude, and are able to face them rationally and calmly, we can then turn our attention to how you might communicate with them.

I'm not sure how to communicate with my parents.

1. It would be helpful to have a firm belief.

It is not uncommon for parents to express shock and anger when a gay person confesses to them. They may then attempt to influence the child by introducing them to friends of the opposite sex. During this time, it is important to remain firm in your beliefs. The OP has done a commendable job of this, as he believes that "he doesn't want to hurt an innocent girl." This demonstrates the OP's responsible nature. Well done to the OP!

2. It would be beneficial to strive for an independent life.

From the description provided, it is not clear whether the questioner is a student or an office worker. From the questioner's description of getting up at 11 or 12 o'clock every day, it seems like the questioner may not be engaged in traditional employment or may have a flexible schedule.

It would be advisable for a gay person to have a stable job and income of their own, as this will help to ensure a positive outcome. If this has not yet been achieved and your parents find out, it may be challenging to maintain a good relationship. By first becoming an independent person, you can gain their trust and demonstrate that you are capable of supporting yourself.

It might be helpful for the questioner to communicate more with their parents about work-related matters, perhaps avoiding the topic of homosexuality for the time being. This could help to reassure parents that their child remains motivated and that their work and studies have not been affected by homosexuality. It's understandable that parents might have concerns about this, so being able to reassure them could be an important step in future communication.

3. It would be advisable to communicate with your parents in a truthful and confident manner.

It is also important to be honest with your parents about your feelings for the boy and to reassure them that you are not acting in an excessive manner or putting yourself in any danger. Parents can sometimes associate homosexuality with certain diseases, so it is crucial to address their concerns and prove to them that you are safe.

It is important to be confident when communicating with your parents. If you do not feel that being gay is something to be proud of, it may be challenging to convince your parents.

It is also important to consider the timing and technique of communication with parents. For instance, it may be preferable to avoid initiating communication about this issue before you become independent. If your parents do inquire, it may be helpful to provide minimal information or share positive insights about gay people and address any misconceptions they may have about homosexuality. This could help them understand that, beyond their sexual orientation, gay people are no different from straight people.

You might also consider letting them know that, according to scientific research, homosexuality is not a disease but is innate. May 17th is not only World Telecommunication Day, but also International Day Against Homophobia.

4. You might consider suggesting to your parents that they go to a psychologist with you.

Professional communication with a psychologist may help parents to gain a deeper understanding of the issue of homosexuality. Furthermore, working with a psychologist can facilitate more effective problem-solving and the achievement of mutual understanding.

For instance, you might consider taking this opportunity to discuss any potential depression with your doctor and to seek advice from professionals.

In short, this is not an unsolvable problem. It may be helpful to consider that the key is for the questioner to take care of their emotions first, so that they can find a way to make their parents slowly accept this reality. It is important to remember that there is always hope, and that things can change. I wish the questioner an early escape from the emotional gloom.

It is beneficial to seek guidance when facing uncertainty. I hope this advice proves helpful.

Modern society is more tolerant of homosexuality than it once was, so you are not alone in facing this problem. It's important to remember that this is simply a matter of sexual orientation.

Despite the growing acceptance of homosexuality, it remains a challenge for individuals to be accepted in the adult world, particularly in the context of intergenerational relationships. From a natural perspective, the balance between yin and yang is essential for growth and stability.

When you choose a path that goes against the status quo, you must be prepared to address the challenges that may arise. There will be obstacles from those who oppose your decision and from the general public.

Perseverance is the key to success.

If you have already made a choice that your family is unable to accept, and you are already independent, then you should proceed with your independent life, which should help to resolve any outstanding issues.

If you are not yet independent, it is advisable to gather the necessary resources and become independent as soon as possible. A life that is free in mind and body is to be preferred.

Selecting a course of action that differs from the norm necessitates an understanding that the route may be challenging. Attaining happiness often requires more effort than the typical path.

The road ahead is long and requires caution. One option is to return to a normal and natural orbit, with a loving father and a filial son; the other is to be independent and follow one's own path. The choice is yours, and you are responsible for and must work hard at it. Come on, young man, no matter which option you choose, you must work hard to achieve a happy life.

The world and I support you. Let's proceed.