Grandfather is sensitive. After he came to our house, he became very restless. How to adjust his mindset?

Hello. I can see that you're struggling with feelings of helplessness. From your description, I can see your grievances and expectations. I have a few suggestions below that I believe will be helpful.

1. Your emotions

Take a deep breath and calm down before you try to solve things. Do something you enjoy, buy something you like, or search the internet for relaxation training.

The internet is an invaluable resource. I won't go into detail here, but I encourage you to search for it and you'll find detailed introductions. There are also many different types.

2. Expectations of the father-in-law

I understand your grievances very well. Life is indeed unfair to us, but fair because everyone is in this situation. People in every era have their own hardships, and everyone has their own difficulties.

The expectations of the public will only make your emotional ups and downs worse. You need to think differently: I'm lucky to have help with the children.

Don't compare your parents-in-law to other people's parents-in-law, and don't expect your own parents-in-law to know as much about child rearing as you do. Comparison and demands will only make you feel more aggrieved.

3. Communication It is crucial to communicate effectively in order to resolve the issues at hand.

Once you've calmed down and let go of your expectations of your in-laws, we can move on to solving the practical problems.

Learn about non-violent communication, its forms of expression, and its core ideas.

Avoid communicating with the father-in-law as much as possible and let your husband do the talking.

4. Be flexible.

I've got some more solutions for you.

For example, you can break down the in-laws one by one and ally the husband to persuade the mother-in-law. Then, unite the mother-in-law and husband to persuade the father-in-law.

For example, you should look for some after-school childcare institutions or candidates at the same time.

For example, you should find a way to get the father-in-law to go back or replace him with your own parents.

There are other options, and we don't have to confront everything head-on. By getting the first two points done, you'll naturally become more flexible.

Hello! It's clear that your father-in-law's arrival has caused some trouble for you, disrupting the calm of your life.

I commend you for your keen emotional awareness. This will serve you well as you strive to bring about positive change.

Your description reveals a clear bias in your feelings towards your mother-in-law and father-in-law. This is partly due to your father-in-law's shortcomings as a man, including his lack of skill in handling relationships, childcare and household chores. This is an important reason why many daughters-in-law dislike their father-in-law. Secondly, it is the stereotypical impression of your father-in-law that you have formed in comparison with your mother-in-law and other people. This is evident in your observation that when you are dissatisfied with him, you find everything he does displeasing and not as you wish. In fact, when you have this kind of awareness, you may consciously pay attention to your words and actions to avoid hurting your father-in-law. However, our unconscious cannot always be well perceived, because people instinctively respond with emotions first.

Your father-in-law shows his love for the child in ways you may not accept because you're not happy with him. The stereotype has already marginalized him from your family, making him feel lonely, unseen, misunderstood, unheard, rejected, and alone. No matter how old a person is or how unpopular and unacceptable they are, they still have a deep need to belong and be seen and accepted. This need only grows when their family is broken up because they have to care for the child, and they have no complaints about it. They have the right to do so.

I believe that by loving the child in a way that you don't like, the father-in-law is actually expressing his need to be cared for and noticed. It's clear that apart from him, everyone else is on the same side, and all your attention and energy is focused on the child. This has led to his isolation, marginalization, and forgetting. He has tried many times to express his needs to you, but you have ignored him. This has led him to express his needs in a way that you think may harm the child to some extent.

What do you think?

You must accept your mother-in-law and see her value. You should also accept your father-in-law, because he is not good at what your mother-in-law can do. He fully supports her, who should have given him more companionship, support, and care. He devotes himself to taking care of the children for you. This is the greatest support and sacrifice he can do for you, but he never complains. You have neglected him more because of prejudice against him, making him feel excluded, rejected, unwanted, and unwelcome. This is cruel to an old man.

Tell your father-in-law you're sorry. Admit you haven't been understanding or considerate. Explain that the family has focused on the child and neglected him because he's young. Get your husband to chat with your father-in-law after work. Talk about his work and the troubles he encounters. Let your father-in-law get close to the child. He loves the child more than you do. Make him feel valuable, needed, and respected in this family.

The Chinese saying is right: "A family with an elderly person is like a family with a treasure." The elderly are children who need to be seen and cared for.

When the elderly feel that they are needed, valued, cared for, and considered by their children, they will support their children in every way they can and be the lubricant for family harmony, happiness, and contentment.

You will have happy and fulfilling family relationships. My sharing will give you the support and help you need.

I am Yang Lili, the respondent. I love you all, the world and I.

Hello. I can sense your inner restlessness, depression, and helplessness from your description.

In the past, the mother-in-law was able to help with the children on her own, and everything seemed to be going well. However, the father-in-law lives alone, and it seems that the mother-in-law and her husband are not entirely comfortable with this arrangement. This may have led to the father-in-law moving in with you.

However, your father-in-law is sensitive, stubborn, and has a small heart. When he gets angry, he speaks harshly, and conflicts arise, especially over child-rearing issues.

No matter what he does or says, I can't help but feel that it's not quite right, and I'm struggling with feelings of depression on a daily basis. I'm at a loss as to how to proceed.

I can appreciate your feelings. It's likely that living with your elderly parents will result in a number of disagreements, which can be challenging.

It would be helpful to know exactly what you want.

Life is not always easy, and we often have to make difficult choices. At this time, it would be helpful for you to consider what you truly want and how you can achieve it.

While there are some concerns about your father-in-law, it seems that you are also feeling frustrated and would prefer for him to move back in with your mother-in-law. However, given that your father-in-law is getting older and it might not be safe for him to live alone, it's understandable that this is a difficult decision.

It seems that you need someone to help you take care of the children, while also wanting everyone to be happy together.

It can be challenging to align one's life with one's exact wishes. In such cases, it might be helpful to consider how to achieve your ideas.

It might be helpful to try to accept.

It is important to recognize that elders have their own thoughts and perceptions, which have been with them for decades. While it may be challenging to change these deeply held beliefs, it is possible to find ways to coexist with them.

It would be beneficial for us to try to understand and accept each other. This could help us to get along with each other more comfortably and freely.

☞ There is no one right answer to everything.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to many questions. Take the example of candy. I believe it's unlikely that we can promise ourselves that we will never give our children candy. It's likely that we will occasionally give them a piece.

Perhaps we could consider allowing the father-in-law to give the child a piece of candy every now and then, provided he doesn't overindulge?

Emotions can be shared between people in a family.

If you find yourself holding a grudge against him, feeling annoyed by his actions or words, and experiencing depression on a daily basis, it's possible that your emotions may be affecting those around you, particularly the children.

It is possible that others may become infected by your emotions and become depressed or irritable.

If you would like to create a happy and relaxed environment at home, you may need to consider making some changes yourself. It might be helpful to try to let go of your resentment towards your father-in-law and try to be accepting and forgiving. This could make your life much smoother and happier.

I hope this message finds you well. Please accept my best regards.

Good day.

As a heart exploration coach, I believe that learning is the cornerstone of physical and mental wellbeing.

From your description, I can ascertain that you are experiencing feelings of depression, discomfort, irritability, pain, and helplessness.

I will not delve into the specifics of your difficulties with your father-in-law's personality here. However, I would like to offer three pieces of advice for your consideration:

First and foremost, I advise you to consider your thoughts and opinions regarding your father-in-law.

As a result of your stated opinion of your father-in-law, you view his actions with disapproval, leading to depressive episodes on a daily basis. By listing these opinions and then subjecting them to rational consideration, you may be able to resolve them and thereby improve your mood.

You have indicated that he is sensitive, stubborn, petty, and speaks harshly when angry. Additionally, you have stated that all conflicts are about the children. Please provide any other relevant information.

He suspects that your child's discomfort is caused by the food you gave him. Does this also lead you to believe that he has an opinion about you? This may also be one of the reasons why you disapprove of the way he does things. Are there any other reasons?

In summary, it is essential to identify and understand your opinions.

It is only by understanding these issues that we can begin to implement a solution.

Secondly, it would be prudent to consider your opinions of your father-in-law in a rational manner.

Adopting a rational perspective will assist you in gaining a deeper understanding of yourself and the reality of the situation.

To achieve this, it is essential to undertake the following three steps:

Firstly, it is important to understand that there is no absolute good or bad in people's character.

It is possible that your interaction with your father-in-law is influenced by his personality traits, which may include sensitivity, pettiness, and stubbornness. However, it is important to recognize that these traits cannot be easily classified as either positive or negative.

In other words, if you can view these personalities from a positive perspective, you may well identify potential benefits.

For example, he may be very meticulous in taking care of the child because of his sensitive personality; he may be able to live a good life because he is small-minded, because people in his generation did not have a wealthy family background, etc. Of course, in saying this, I am not suggesting that he suspects you of making your child sick, or that it is appropriate to secretly give your child candy. However, I hope that you can consider this from a different perspective, or try to put yourself in his shoes, and your opinions about him may be resolved.

Secondly, it is important to recognise that individuals have different characteristics and that personal standards should not be applied to others.

It is possible that you are still hoping for a change in your father-in-law and for him to become more like your mother-in-law, who has a lively personality and is easy to get along with. However, it is important to understand that people are different and that we must respect the differences between others and our expectations.

Furthermore, you have conducted a thorough assessment of the current situation and determined that your father-in-law will continue to reside with you for an extended period.

Thirdly, it is important to recognise that in any relationship, the individual who is experiencing greater distress will typically be the first to make changes.

I commend you for recognizing the need to address your relationship with your father-in-law and taking steps to improve it. It is evident that you are motivated to make changes, which is a positive step. However, it is crucial to understand that the more you experience distress due to your situation, the more imperative it is for you to prioritize self-improvement.

It is crucial to understand that when you undergo a change, your father-in-law may also be influenced to do the same. This is because there has always been a mutual influence between you.

When viewed from this rational perspective, some of the negative emotions may be resolved.

I reiterate my recommendation that you concentrate on your own well-being and consider how you can improve your mood.

When you objectively assess your views on your father-in-law, you may also identify potential courses of action. At this juncture, you concentrate on your own performance and strive to excel.

As an example, you can inform your husband of your opinion of your father-in-law. This act of expression itself allows your negative emotions to flow. Once emotions flow, they have a healing effect. At the same time, your husband is likely to offer you comfort and support, which may also improve your mood.

It may also be helpful to alter your perspective slightly and view your father-in-law as a source of assistance. Despite your reservations, it may be beneficial to adapt your behaviour for the benefit of your husband. Moreover, your father-in-law has not engaged in any unusual behaviour. This shift in mindset may contribute to an improved sense of well-being.

Additionally, you can identify opportunities to engage in constructive dialogue with your father-in-law. This could include sharing your genuine concerns, such as his tendency to provide the children with candy and his suspicions about you. When you communicate with him in a calm and respectful manner, he is more likely to respond in a similar manner. This, in turn, could positively influence your emotional state.

It may also be helpful to remind yourself that your in-laws' assistance is currently essential, and that maintaining a positive outlook is beneficial for your physical and mental well-being, as well as for fostering a harmonious family environment and supporting your children's growth. Identifying the positive aspects of your father-in-law may also help to improve your mood. Ultimately, it is important to recognize that there are actions you can take to influence the situation.

Once you begin taking action, negative emotions will dissipate gradually. In some cases, taking action can be an effective method for overcoming negative emotions.

I hope this information is helpful to you. If you would like to discuss further, please click on the "Find a Coach" link at the bottom of the page. I will then be happy to communicate with you directly.

The individual who posed the question is pleasant and approachable, and I am able to envision a personal connection with her based on her written responses.

After carefully reviewing your post, I can empathize with your emotional state and understand your feelings of restlessness and anxiety. It seems that there is no clear solution to this dilemma. The issue of child-rearing often presents a challenge for many families, particularly when it comes to deciding whether to rely on the support of the elderly or to assume primary responsibility for child-rearing. From my perspective, I would like to share some thoughts with you:

1. Your current situation:

Your mother-in-law is very lively and you usually get along well. Your father-in-law is very sensitive, stubborn, and has a limited perspective. When he becomes angry, he speaks harshly. Your father-in-law is not in good health, and your husband and you are concerned about his well-being when he is at home alone. You and your husband take care of the children yourselves, but this is not a sustainable solution given that you typically return home from work at 7 or 8 o'clock.

2. Your emotional issues:

Due to my negative feelings towards my father-in-law, I find his actions and words disagreeable. I experience depressive episodes on a daily basis, yet I am compelled to reside with him in reality and rely on my in-laws for assistance with childcare.

3. We can attempt to examine your issues and emotions from a different perspective.

The questioner is in a fortunate position relative to many new mothers, as they have access to a plethora of support resources. Their husband and in-laws can assist with the distribution of responsibilities, thereby affording the opportunity to pursue professional endeavors.

Furthermore, your mother-in-law is very lively, and you usually get along very harmoniously. This is a harmonious state that not many people can achieve.

Let us revisit the issue raised by the questioner. The necessity of residing with her father-in-law inevitably results in discord regarding child-rearing matters, which in turn gives rise to depression. To illustrate, her father-in-law surreptitiously provides the child with candy, leading to the assumption that I have introduced something detrimental to the child's diet when he is unwell. While such actions may be perceived as discomforting, it is also important to recognise that they represent a unique form of affection and care towards the grandchildren. It is understandable that an elderly individual may find it challenging to alter their mindset within a relatively short timeframe.

Please clarify whether you believe your father-in-law's behavior is intentionally detrimental to the children. Do you consider it feasible to alter the elderly person's long-established patterns of behavior and thought?

Even if the father-in-law occasionally gives the child candy, it is not a significant issue. My point is that when faced with many things that cannot be changed or things that are not absolutely principled, it is more effective to let go and deal with our emotions than to change the thing itself.

Furthermore, emotions can be transmitted and flow. When you release your emotions, your father-in-law's emotions may also change subtly.

The questioner has several options for raising children, including having the in-laws stay occasionally and hiring an au pair, having the husband's parents stay occasionally so that the wife's parents can take care of both sides, or having the questioner's parents come over occasionally to give the in-laws a break and spend less time with the husband's parents. Regardless of the method, when the nuclear family interacts with the previous generation (the couple's original family), minor conflicts are likely to arise due to differences in behavior and thinking patterns over time.

In the interest of our children and our family, we can all benefit from a more tolerant approach. While an occasional candy bar may not have a significant impact on our children, a tense and conflict-ridden atmosphere in the home will undoubtedly have long-term consequences.

Hello! Give me a hug!

You really have it hard, but you're going to get through this!

Let's dive right in and sort out your story!

* Married with one child. You have a great relationship with your husband and you can work together on parenting.

Your mother-in-law is easy-going and lively, which is great!

* Your father-in-law is a bit of a challenge to get along with, but he's also sensitive, stubborn, and has a small mind. When he gets angry, he speaks harshly.

* Your father-in-law is not in good health. Leaving him alone in the old hometown is a concern for both your mother-in-law and your husband, but it also presents an opportunity for you to take the lead in providing care for him.

Your mother-in-law has gone back to her hometown to take care of your father-in-law, which means you get to take care of your children!

The conflict between you and your father-in-law basically focuses on child-rearing. You have a grudge against him, and your mood is affected every day.

After reading your story, I'm excited to share my thoughts as an objective third party!

1. You are so lucky! Having two incomes means you get to rely on your parents for childcare, but it also means you have an extra income for your little family and yourself. Plus, your work gives you a sense of worth because it helps lighten the load on your family.

2. There is so much love in both your small and extended families!

It's so wonderful to see how much your husband respects you and is willing to support your ideas about child-rearing and participate in family matters!

Your husband and mother-in-law both worry about your father-in-law, which is a wonderful sign that there is some love in your husband's original family. They care about and value each other!

Your little family is full of love, and you married a man who grew up in a loving environment—what a wonderful thing to be grateful for!

3. You are unhappy with your father-in-law, but you don't make a fuss, you just suffer in silence. This is a great example of how you can turn a negative into a positive! You are showing consideration for your father-in-law by not making a fuss. This is a great quality to have in a wife!

This shows that you are also a considerate girl who cares about others, which is so great to see!

I'm excited to share my advice with you!

1. Your father-in-law is not targeting you. He is just the way he is, and that's a good thing!

Your father-in-law is a complex individual with a rich tapestry of traits, including his lively, sensitive, and stubborn nature. It's important to recognize that these qualities aren't exclusive to his interactions with you.

But that's just the way he is, and it's pretty great!

Sensitive people care a lot about what others think of them, and they have so much to offer the world! They may not have a high opinion of themselves, but they're working on it. They're tired, but they're learning to express their feelings.

Next time he gives you a hard time, remember that this is just the kind of person he is! He's stubborn with everyone, but that's what makes him him.

2. The father-in-law is trying to express his own value and his willingness to do something for your little family behind all that finger-pointing and gesticulating!

From your description, the father-in-law is not in good health and has a sensitive and stubborn personality.

So for someone like this, who wants to prove to someone close to them that they are useful, that they are capable of doing something, that they are affirmed and recognized,

Oh, I can't wait to see what he'll say next!

And the more you think he's wrong, the more he wants to prove himself and stick to his own opinions!

The father-in-law's behavior is a wonderful expression of love for the baby, a reflection of his own value, and a desire to prove himself.

3. So the next time your father-in-law disagrees with your views on child-rearing,

If you think, "This old man is stubborn with everyone," "This old man is concerned about his grandchildren," and "This old man wants to be recognized," you'll definitely feel a little understanding for him, in addition to anger!

4. And there's another way to look at this! We can also consider your father-in-law's perspective, as well as your own.

Father-in-law's thoughts: "My wife is cooking for her son and daughter-in-law, and she's got her hands full!"

[My son has started a family and has a baby. I'm old and can't help much anymore, but it's so wonderful to see my sons starting a family of their own! This baby is the bloodline of our family. My sons are still young, so I get to look after the baby for them.

Oh, I'm sure my father-in-law will want to do something! My mother-in-law does all the housework, and he is not good at it and can't help. He is too old to earn much money, but he has so much to offer!

What can he do? He can share his parenting tips!

5. Then we know the reason why my father-in-law is doing this, and we can give him all the affirmation and support he needs at home!

Dad, you're looking great today! You've eaten two bowls of rice, fantastic!

Dad, it's a beautiful day! Why don't you take the kids downstairs to enjoy some sunshine and let Grandma have a well-deserved break?

Dad, we both work during the day, and it's great you're here! Otherwise, Grandma would be really lonely on her own. And little Bao would miss out on having someone to play with!

With you at home to keep an eye on Grandma and our little treasure, we can both work with peace of mind!

Dad, you should totally go downstairs and chat with those guys! It'd be a great way to get to know them better. Men should spend time with other men!

Dad, we're out of soy sauce! Could you go downstairs to the convenience store and buy some?

Dad, tomorrow is the weekend! You and Mom have been such a great help with the kids and the housework. Why don't we go out for dinner tomorrow?

...

We can also go out and talk about all the great things my father-in-law does!

* My father-in-law and mother-in-law are absolutely wonderful people! They don't enjoy their lives when they're not at home, so they come to take care of our children for us.

* Thanks to the help of my in-laws, we don't have to change jobs! Otherwise, what would we do with the kids if we got home so late every day?

My father-in-law is so thoughtful and loving towards my mother-in-law, and he absolutely adores his grandchildren! He has this incredible ability to make the kids laugh and keep them entertained.

...

Once your father-in-law gets the recognition and attention he deserves, he'll surely stop targeting you!

In short, use your father-in-law to your advantage! Direct him to work, help him, give him tasks, then praise him and affirm him. Once he finds a sense of value and affirmation, he'll be your biggest supporter in parenting!

Even then, he still occasionally "shared" his parenting methods, and you could listen and ask him about it. But the great news is that you don't have to apply those methods to your children!

Your father-in-law needs to feel affirmed and see his value! Don't make your small family restless and add to your troubles.

Your mother-in-law is so capable and has a good personality! That makes your father-in-law look pretty amazing, too. Sure, he's not in the best health, needs his wife to take care of him, can't earn money, and can't help his son. But that just means there's plenty of room for improvement!

Everyone says that the mother-in-law is nice, but what about him? He also needs to be affirmed!

The father-in-law is very anxious inside and has a low sense of self-worth, but there's so much he can do to improve!

You saw his anxiety and needs, and you gave him all the affirmation and value he needed! So how could he possibly continue to make things difficult for you?

I really hope my answer is helpful for you!

Dear question asker,

I have read your question and I understand your current confusion. I think it's fair to say that raising a child is not easy. I'm not sure how old your child is, but it seems that you and your husband really cannot do without the elderly people to babysit your child every night when you get home at 7 or 8 o'clock. It seems that this situation has to continue. I can imagine that it's quite confusing to be in this situation where you can neither advance nor retreat. I'm sending you hugs!

I believe that while you have expressed concern about leaving the child's grandfather at home alone, it is likely that you are the person who cares about him the most after the two of them. If that is the case, it is important to consider the impact on the child, the husband, the mother-in-law, and the father-in-law. It seems that maintaining this current situation is necessary for the happiness of your extended family.

If you find yourself in a situation where you and your father-in-law have differing values, particularly regarding the upbringing of your child, it might be helpful to consider a few options. I would like to offer my own perspective on this matter.

If it's feasible for your family's financial situation, perhaps you could consider finding a smaller house to rent nearby. It might be a good option to let the elderly couple move in. If that's the case, you might have some time apart, and if a conflict arises, you can still have time to resolve it. This could help address the issue of childcare and also provide a solution to the challenge of feeling uneasy when you're home alone.

Secondly, it is rather inconvenient at home, and they have to live together. Well, life has to go on! Not only does it have to go on, but it would be beneficial to find a way to express yourself without suppressing your emotions.

Perhaps it would be helpful to accept the reality that your father-in-law has a certain temperament and character. It's also possible that she is not feeling well and may not be able to control her emotions. She is from the older generation, after all. We are young, and our knowledge and level of understanding may be a little higher than hers. What is more, he left his hometown and came here to take care of our children. These are all things to consider. Does this make you feel a little better?

Secondly, I believe you are very fortunate to have such a pleasant relationship with your mother-in-law. If you feel comfortable doing so, you might consider communicating more with your mother-in-law or your husband to convey your thoughts to your father-in-law. For instance, you mentioned that the child's eating habits are not your concern. You could let your mother-in-law or your husband explain to your father-in-law that discussing this issue directly might not be productive.

Given that you are also carrying emotions, and given that your father-in-law may also have strong feelings, it might be better if the two of you don't have a direct dialogue for now.

Finally, it might be helpful to give yourself time to calm down. For example, when there's a holiday, you might consider taking the kids and husband out for a while, and letting the two of them rest at home. It's possible that if you give your emotions time to buffer and an outlet, you can maintain a normal level of getting along. In fact, I think your situation is really quite good. In fact, I think that if things continue to run as they are, there won't be a big problem. I believe that those who know they can come here for help will find their own way to successfully resolve this issue.

I truly believe that there are always more ways than difficulties. I am confident that you will be able to handle the relationship with your grandparents and make your children and your little family happier!

I hope you know that I love you.

Good day.

I empathize with the challenges you're facing. This is a common dilemma among Chinese families. They have to work to provide for their families, which leaves little time for childcare. They often rely on their parents to help with childcare. You're not alone in this situation. Many parents of young children face similar challenges.

In light of your father-in-law's unexpected visit, the concerns you have regarding his personal conduct, and the challenges resulting from differing parenting perspectives, we offer the following suggestions and solutions for your consideration.

Firstly, with regard to your father-in-law's somewhat irksome behaviour, it would be advisable to accept him and be tolerant of his shortcomings.

I believe that individuals who engage in petty negotiations over minor details may have experienced a lack of sufficient love and acceptance during their formative years. This may have instilled in them a tendency to engage in such behaviors, driven by an underlying fear of inadequate resources to meet their needs. As we age, it becomes increasingly challenging to adapt to new circumstances. However, we still possess a significant degree of plasticity, or the capacity to change and adapt, throughout our lifespan.

Typically, if there is a desirable food item available or if there is something at home that he would enjoy, you will take the initiative to provide it to him. You can discuss and communicate with him about some less important matters at home, thereby fostering a sense of belonging and respect, and gradually instilling a sense of security. I believe that the discomfort caused by his limited cognitive abilities will gradually decrease.

Furthermore, you can demonstrate your affection and concern for him when circumstances permit. When he senses your love and care, he will gradually adapt.

Regarding differences in parenting concepts, it is essential to communicate effectively.

It is common practice among the elderly to give their children sweets and snacks when they want them. This is usually done to stop them crying, make them behave or to make them happy. The intention is loving, even though the methods are not correct. Your parenting philosophy is that it is not good for children's health to eat so much junk food. You sometimes give your children what they want to ensure they are healthy.

We would like to communicate with the parents and inform them that we understand they provide their child with delicious food and snacks because they love their child, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, we believe it is not good for your child's health to eat so many snacks. We all love our children, so for the sake of their healthy growth, we propose a pact with our child regarding the number of snacks they can have per week and what they can eat. We ask that everyone be honest. Grandpa, grandma, and the baby will supervise each other, and each week they can only receive a few snacks from grandpa and grandma. If they do so, everyone will receive a reward. The reward can be something the baby can choose for themselves or a few hours of quality time for the three of you to spend together. If grandpa and grandma do so and do not give the baby more snacks than they agreed, they can give a small red envelope containing a few hundred or a thousand yuan. This will strengthen the relationship and solve the problem at the same time.

Third, if the atmosphere at home is not optimal, it is recommended that each individual share one positive experience on a daily basis.

As an illustration, the flowers in the community are blooming and are quite beautiful (

It is recommended that you inquire of your infant on a daily basis as to their level of happiness. Should the response be negative, it would be beneficial to allow the infant to observe the sources of enjoyment and humor in their environment, and to attempt to perceive the world from the perspective of a child.

I hope my response is of some assistance to you. Best regards, [Name]

Greetings,

The host's emotional state is evident from the content of the post, which indicates a pervasive sense of depression and dissatisfaction. It is clear that the individual is experiencing distress and is actively seeking help on the platform.

A careful reading of the post reveals a palpable sense of depression and dissatisfaction. It is also evident that the poster has exhibited courage in expressing his distress and has actively sought assistance on the platform.

This will undoubtedly assist the poster in acquiring a more comprehensive understanding of the situation and in identifying an appropriate course of action.

Subsequently, I will present my observations and thoughts on the aforementioned post, which may assist the poster in examining the issue from an alternative standpoint.

1. Prioritize emotional regulation before addressing the immediate situation.

From the aforementioned post, it is evident that the host has a problematic relationship with her father-in-law and finds his actions disagreeable. As a result, she experiences depressive symptoms on a daily basis.

I empathize with your situation. I occasionally experience a similar emotional response when confronted with a challenging individual, particularly when their actions evoke a sense of irritation.

However, I am also capable of recognizing my own emotional state and making necessary adjustments.

Frequently, I prioritize addressing my emotions before addressing the underlying issue. When our hearts are wrapped in emotions, it becomes challenging for our rationality to emerge.

If emotions are not properly soothed, the result of attempting to address the situation may be unsatisfactory. Therefore, the original poster may attempt to express their emotions in a reasonable manner.

For example, the act of writing can be utilized as a means of articulating one's feelings, thoughts, and anger. This process does not inherently damage the relationship.

Subsequently, once the expression of emotions has been conducted in a reasonable manner, a degree of calm can be achieved. At this juncture, the problem can be more readily observed and evaluated in a logical and objective manner.

2. It is necessary to relinquish expectations of the father-in-law.

The underlying cause of suffering is often the expectation that another person will act in accordance with our desires. Prior to the arrival of my father-in-law, my mother-in-law, my wife, and I, as well as my husband, adhered to a unified set of guidelines pertaining to the upbringing of our children.

However, the arrival of the father-in-law disrupted this equilibrium, which was challenging to accept and untenable. What, then, is the consequence of such an inability to accept it?

It is evident that self-inflicted distress is an ineffective solution.

At this juncture, it is advisable to relinquish expectations of my father-in-law and accept him for who he is. This does not imply inaction; rather, it entails refraining from anticipating that he will align with our expectations.

In this manner, one can attend to one's own emotional well-being and avoid feelings of loss. This allows for the conservation of energy that can be redirected toward necessary tasks.

3. Attempt to view the situation from an alternative standpoint.

Indeed, the arrival of the father-in-law has disrupted the equilibrium within the family unit, precipitating discord. This presents a challenge for the family, akin to a test of their resilience and capacity for resolution.

Indeed, it is a common occurrence for families to engage in disagreements; the key lies in the manner in which these disagreements are resolved. This topic has prompted me to recall a narrative presented by psychologist Wu Zhihong.

In the narrative, there are three female adolescents who are admirers of Teacher Wu. They initially encountered him at an event, and two of them asserted that their biological families were ideal, whereas the third stated that she was experiencing distress and that her biological family was the source of her suffering. Frequently, it is assumed that individuals from perfect biological families are more mentally sound. However, Teacher Wu's response was that the adolescent who was suffering was, in fact, more mentally healthy.

In psychology, the notion is posited that an individual's level of mental health is directly proportional to their capacity to tolerate pain. The girl who has endured significant suffering has experienced a considerable degree of distress, and thus possesses the resilience to endure further hardship.

The two girls from the ostensibly perfect family display an inability to tolerate pain, which raises the question of whether such a family even exists. In reality, such a family is an illusion; they simply attempt to avoid or suppress pain.

Consequently, the presence of divergent perspectives within the family unit can prove beneficial for children. If managed effectively, can children's critical thinking abilities be cultivated?

The question thus arises as to whether this will prompt the child to engage in more profound reflection on the nature of life. Furthermore, how should one approach the resolution of disagreements? And finally, will this contribute to the child's capacity to navigate disagreements in a constructive manner?

These factors are beneficial for his social development.

In any relationship, there are two sides. When one is unable to alter the negative aspect, it may be beneficial to focus on the positive.

In the event of a disagreement within the family unit, it may be beneficial to convene a family meeting. Through open dialogue and active listening, it may be possible to establish a set of rules that are mutually agreed upon and adhered to by all members of the family.

This approach may prove to be a superior one.

4. Construct a personal defense system.

It is important to understand that only we can cause ourselves emotional distress. The ABC theory of emotions is a concept in psychology that provides insight into this phenomenon.

In this theory, the term "A" refers to the irritating event, "B" refers to our perceptions and evaluations of the event, and "C" refers to our emotions or results. The theory posits that it is not the irritating event itself that causes our emotions, but rather our perceptions and evaluations of the event.

Accordingly, this theory posits that the only entity capable of inflicting harm is oneself. When confronted with the myriad challenges posed by one's father-in-law, it is imperative to recognize that one's emotional state is within one's control. It is, therefore, essential to exercise discernment and to allow negative emotions to persist, if necessary, rather than succumbing to their influence.

Indeed, the choice to suffer or not is an option available to all.

As long as we alter our perspective and construct our own firewall, his actions will have no effect on us. It is not the absence of viruses that allows a computer to function properly; rather, it is the presence of a firewall.

It is my hope that these insights will prove beneficial and motivating to the individual in question. I am a psychological mind-reading coach from Yixinli.

Should you have any further queries, you are invited to click on the link entitled "Find a Coach" in order to make contact with me for the purpose of one-to-one communication and personal growth.

Hello, question asker!

After reading your question, I'd be feeling pretty oppressed too! It's really tough to force yourself to be nice to someone you don't like.

And this person is my father-in-law, someone you see every day, and we can't avoid each other because we live under the same roof! If I say that we can only accept the situation as it is, adjust our mentality, improve our communication, and increase self-care, it will sound very dry. So I'd like to invite you to take a step back and look at your current situation from the perspective of someone who's not involved.

In a dual-income family like yours, it's important to have your parents' help with childcare and living expenses. It's almost inevitable that there will be some issues when it comes to living habits and raising grandchildren in a family like this.

So, the issue you're facing is pretty standard.

Your strengths: 1. Your in-laws help you with childcare, maybe even picking up and dropping off your kid, and they cook for you, so you can go to work without worrying about your child's meals or transportation! 2. Your father-in-law loves your child very much, and will even give him candy even if it goes against his principles or promises.

3. Your husband and mother-in-law are on the same page as you when it comes to parenting and are happy to work together.

The current situation is that your father-in-law doesn't cooperate with you, sometimes misunderstands you, and there have even been conflicts over child-rearing.

Your feelings: I'm afraid to express my frustration with my father-in-law's behavior because he's not in good health and helps with childcare. If I lose my temper with him, people will think we're narrow-minded, ungrateful, and rude.

We've gone from being reasonable to unreasonable. I'm angry and frustrated, and I feel like I'm suffering.

I've been working as a marriage mediator for many years, and based on my work experience and personal life experience, I'd like to share a few points.

1. This period is really tough for women! We have a lot on our plates right now: work, childcare, and we could really use some help from others!

If you can see which tasks are essential and which ones can be adjusted or improved, it may be easier to deal with them. Many people get caught up in their emotions and can't get out of the loop, taking extremes, getting into conflicts with their husbands, drawing a line with their family members, or else they get sick from holding it in.

I think it's great that you're here today looking for help!

2. Grandparents who are close to the younger generation love their grandchildren very much and don't want to see them suffer or feel upset. For example, if the father-in-law gives the child sweets or criticizes you for not looking after the child properly.

At that point, he'll only see his grandchildren. He won't care about the old rules or how they affect our daughter-in-law. He might even be more critical of you than of his son. So, we have to be careful. We have to remember that we don't like what our father-in-law is doing, but we can't say he's wrong in front of our daughter-in-law. If we do, we'll be seen as rude and disrespectful. And we'll lose the argument even if we're right.

If you can't control your emotions, you have to control them!

3. How do you handle communication with your father-in-law? A key principle is to focus on the issue at hand, not the person.

This way, it won't turn into an emotional personal attack. Switch out "you" for "we" and "should" for "what about?"

For instance, instead of saying to your father-in-law, "You can't do it like this..." (which the elderly person will hear as a rebuke), say, "What do you think about doing it this way?" (First, it's "we," and second, it's a discussion about what to do, not a direct rebuke.)

4. Get your mother-in-law and husband on your side: Try to get your mother-in-law and husband to support you, but be careful of how you phrase things. Our goal is to get them to understand and support you, not to get them to help you accuse your father-in-law.

5. Look after yourself:

a. Try to spend as much time as you can on yourself. Go out with friends, relax, vent about life, treat yourself to an afternoon tea break or a beauty session. Take a break from the stress of everyday life and sort out your mood and emotions.

Don't underestimate this period of time. It can make us feel less "unfortunate."

b. Set up your own support network to help you through tough times. This could be family, friends you can talk to, teachers who care about you, or a psychologist.

To help yourself get through emotional lows, try some stress-reduction methods that suit you. These could be yoga, meditation, walking, dancing, or something else. They're a great way to vent your stress.

It's important for women to take care of themselves. When we take care of ourselves, we're better able to take care of our families. I hope my reply is helpful to you!

I hope things improve for you!

My name is Gu Yi. I am humble and consistent.

Your daily life is marred by conflicts and feelings of depression due to your differing parenting philosophies with your father-in-law.

Understand your father-in-law fully and correctly.

Our father-in-law is, first and foremost, a father, and second, a grandfather. He has many roles in life: husband, pillar of the family, etc. This role has accustomed him to thinking that he is always right, and he is also used to making the decisions in most matters. Decades of habits have become fixed thinking.

Therefore, when the father-in-law becomes a grandfather, he is actually less able to perceive the differences in your parenting philosophy. This is normal, so we must be prepared for this and then guide him along. There is a challenge between being an authoritative father and being a patient grandfather.

We must be more tolerant in our daily lives and guide my father-in-law, slowly instill some parenting concepts in him, and slowly accept and learn them. In "My Child, I Wish You Grew Up Slowly," there is a segment introduction that provides a psychological foundation for this approach.

I will guide the father-in-law to change his parenting philosophy.

The material basis of the present era is different from that of the past, and different concepts of childbirth have led to many differences in ideas. This is an issue that several generations need to face and solve, so the first step is to keep up with the trends of the times.

Arguing about right and wrong is the worst thing in parenting. In a complex environment, nothing is unique, and the challenges are even greater. If parents and grandparents argue endlessly about one thing, it is detrimental to the child. When we told grandpa that children shouldn't eat too much sugar, it didn't work at first, but later we were able to set a limit.

Guide the child to realize that eating sugar is bad for the teeth. Make sure they can consciously and actively refuse it.

These issues require communication in daily life. There's no need to argue about who is right or wrong. Instead, you need to allow each other to find differences in parenting concepts and then avoid them. You are both busy at work, and your parents help out during the day. A harmonious family is also very beneficial for your child's inner growth. We can find a way to solve the problems you face.

Best wishes.