How can you get along with a mother who is mentally bitter when she is used as an outlet for emotions?

Since childhood, she has been your listener, hearing her life of suffering over and over. This is hard.

Now that you are 30, the pain you once suppressed is overwhelming. You can't bear it, and you feel disgust and resistance.

Your disgust and resistance towards your mother will make you feel guilty, so you must feel extremely tormented.

Why has she been talking about these things for 30 years?

She doesn't express her emotions directly to those involved, but talks to you instead.

You're not her parent or her father.

She wants love, but not from you.

However, she won't express her emotions directly or communicate with the person involved. She'll only complain behind their back.

Moms may be bad at expressing emotions.

So, talking to her is like scratching an itch with a blunt instrument. It doesn't solve her most fundamental needs.

You've listened for 30 years and made sacrifices, but your mother is still the same with her endless complaints.

You're just reinforcing her pattern.

If your mother's complaints make you feel suffocated, you might want to spend less time together or do something together to avoid the situation where your mother just keeps talking.

You might as well find something new to do, tell her the news, and distract her.

You can also refuse to be confided in. "Mom, I'm not feeling well today and want to be left alone."

Complaining is just complaining.

Mom wants people to see her pain. She doesn't expect it to be resolved.

You don't have to comfort her or be good to her. Just listen.

That pain is your mother's, not yours. Just be there for her.

As you listen, you may realize that your mother complains to you about her mother, her father, and herself.

The complaints are filled with longing, resentment, regret, love, hate, reluctance, and self-pity.

You don't need to do anything about her complaints. Just be there for her.

I hope this helps.

Hello, I'm Ah-Xian. I'm happy to answer your question!

Think from your perspective. You have always listened to your mother, but those words are not what you want to hear, so you have been absorbing negative energy!

You want to please your mother and have your own space to solve problems.

Imagine you're your mother. When people get old, they want to talk and share their thoughts. Your mother only talks to you because she trusts you. So she feels like she's sharing with you, without realizing you're already resistant!

Take your mother for more walks or show her TV shows she likes. Find small things she can do and let her do them. This will make her feel happy!

I hope the title will be patient and tolerant with mothers, and try to persist for a while. You want to please your mother, and you don't want to hear these words every day. Put yourself in the shoes of the elderly. They also want to be cared for by their children!

Everyone is an independent person, and we have to find happiness for ourselves. There will be surprises in learning, and children have their own lives. So we can only guide our parents in a positive way!

I hope the poster gets what he wants. Good luck!

Topic master, for now, it's a good thing!

Thanks for being open and giving me the chance to connect with you. I'm a mother of the same type, and I understand your pain and confusion, so I'd like to chat with you.

Your mother is using you as an emotional outlet, but she doesn't consider whether you can take it or digest it. She thinks that if she tells her friends, they'll laugh at her, and if she tells her husband, he won't want to listen.

She's limited herself. Does she have no other emotional support or ways to deal with her emotions other than her friends, husband, and children? She can choose a psychologist, learn psychology to help herself, go on a trip, do charity work, volunteer, etc. There are many ways, but she thinks you're the only option and has limited herself.

Your mother doesn't seem to have any boundaries. She sees you as her life saver, but she doesn't realize that she's making it difficult for you to say no. You grew up unable to say no, and you didn't realize that your mother's behavior was crossing the line. Now that you know that your mother's behavior makes you uncomfortable, you can choose not to listen.

Let your mother know that you understand she's going through a rough patch, but that you're not in the right headspace to listen to her right now. It's okay to want to live your own life. Initially, she might be upset and even accuse you of being unfilial and rebellious, as she's not used to being rejected.

You have to stick to your guns, keep showing her your boundaries, and you can help her find a counselor or help her enrich her life by not picking up her emotions. You're not her parent, and you're not obligated to do so, especially if you can't do it yourself.

Remember to take care of yourself, and don't let your mother's ideas and emotions influence you. Best wishes!

Dear questioner, My name is Yang Yiqing, and I'm a listener on the Yixinli platform!

I'm so excited to talk to you! I'd love to be your warm company and help in any way I can.

In your description of the problem, you mentioned that you have been an audience since you were young, which shows that you are very patient and gentle. This is a wonderful quality! It is your strength and your inner strength. If you can make good use of it, you can gain more support.

Next, let's dive in and tackle your current problems together! We've got some amazing solutions to help you find effective ways to solve them.

One thing I want to talk about is how you said you were used as an emotional outlet.

It is indeed challenging to be a listener, but it's also an incredible opportunity to grow and learn. You are like a "trash can" that collects a lot of negative energy, and you have the chance to be strong in front of the person confiding in you. But when you are alone, you get to slowly digest all this negative energy by yourself. This process is really hard and difficult, but it's also an amazing chance to build resilience and inner strength. I hug you with all my heart!

But not all listeners have to go through this! The reason you are affected by negative energy is because you don't have the energy to protect yourself, but instead expose yourself to such a dangerous environment. So, listen up! To be the best listener you can be, you need to make sure you have enough energy for yourself before you listen to and comfort others.

Also, you said you were used as an emotional outlet, which gives the impression of passivity and that you did not do it voluntarily. But why couldn't you refuse?

I read your reason: you're the only listener your mother has. So you get to be the only listener! Why?

But what if you don't become the only listener? What if your mother feels suffocated and unhappy?

But that's something she needs to figure out on her own, not you!

So, you've taken on your mother's needs as your mission! It's so inspiring to see you doing things against your will because you feel compelled to help her.

Now for the fun part! Let's dive into some methods and measures.

I want to let you know that you have the power to make your own choices and that you are in control of your destiny. Now that you have chosen to be a listening mother, you have the opportunity to do a great job in this role. Don't waste it by complaining!

At the same time, you have the amazing opportunity to choose not to be your mother's listener! This means you get to take responsibility for your own actions. You may face a change in your relationship with your mother, or you may face guilt within yourself. But you are free!

On the other hand, you can use the method of dissociation to reduce the impact on your emotions when listening to your mother. At the same time, you can also learn some meditation techniques to achieve deep relaxation and body awareness for both your mother and yourself. This is very helpful for improving your own energy.

2. "The mother with a bitter heart"

Reading this description, I can see one of your emotions: resentment towards your mother. In your description of the problem, I can also vaguely see the image of your mother, a woman who has experienced many frustrations: an unhappy childhood, an unhappy marriage, no real friendships, and no place where the soul can dwell. You seem to be her only hope and light.

But such pressure also brings you trouble.

I believe that over time you have tried to understand your mother and to change her, and I admire your courage in trying! It seems that this has not had the desired effect, but I know you will find a way to make it work. I can understand that growing up with such a mother is a happy but suffocating experience, but leaving your mother may mean betrayal or some other serious psychological burden for you. But you can do it!

[Methods and measures]

Embrace your imperfect mother!

Your mother is just like this, and it's totally normal! She brought you into this world with a lot of love, despite the challenges she faced along the way. She's experienced a lot of tough stuff from childhood to adulthood, but she's still here, and that's a testament to her resilience. She's also a victim, but she's not letting that define her. She's a survivor!

Everyone is imperfect, and your mother is no exception! She has been through so much, and she deserves your love and acceptance. Accept her imperfect appearance and her unbearable appearance, and you'll be one step closer to a happier, more loving world.

Embrace the part of yourself that wants to escape!

There's absolutely nothing wrong with running away! When you encounter something that makes you suffer, your instinctive reaction is to run away. So, accept this idea of yourself, face this conflict in yourself, and you'll be amazed at how you'll hesitate when the moment really comes to leave your mother.

It's time to communicate with your mother in a sincere way!

Your mother is unable to take care of herself, and she even makes you unconsciously bear her pain. But she is still your mother, and she still loves you! I believe that if you can sincerely tell her how you feel, she will reconsider this behavior or have a real exchange with you instead of just complaining.

Wishing you the very best!

If you have any questions, please feel free to talk to me! The world and I love you!

Hello, I'm Gu Yi. I'm modest and self-effacing, just like a valley.

I want to know what kind of filial piety is considered filial piety.

Many people get used to living in a certain environment and don't want to change. Some people want to change and rebel. Habit 4: We rebel because we are still thinking and there is still a belief in a better life and the desire to change.

Your mother is over 70 years old. Over the years, you have become not only a child but also a listener. You should understand and accept all the suffering that your mother has experienced in her life. If you protest, you will be accused of all kinds of crimes. It is difficult, but also very simple, not to listen to your psychological role and not to listen to your psychological feelings.

Our solution to this problem is clear: it's no longer a matter of listening or not listening. We need to find a way to get along with our mothers better. So, let's imagine not regarding our mothers as mothers, but as old friends or old girlfriends.

View your mother's confessions from the perspective of a bystander.

Transform energy.

When your mother tells you about her suffering, you will feel very sad because most of the people who caused her suffering are her own relatives. There's no way you can agree with what she says without denying the suffering of other relatives. Disagreeing with her will only make it harder to listen. As the saying goes, "in an avalanche, no snowflake is innocent." You can't help but feel sad.

Your mother's suffering is not just her own. Many women in marriage have similar problems, including us. We can sort out the root cause of the problem from the current conversation and think about how to solve it.

In the past, we were not capable as listeners, and could only listen. Now we have the ability to survive and think, and we also experience marriage. We can change the perspective from which we view problems. We can guide mothers to get out of their own predicament and look at the suffering they have experienced from a different perspective. It is a kind of sadness, but it will definitely be an asset. We can gain life wisdom after experiencing suffering. Elderly people and children can guide the elderly to view problems from a different perspective. Everyone will have new gains.

I wish you the best.

Hello!

Like many daughters with similar mothers, you are wholeheartedly approved of and supported!

Using someone as an emotional outlet is not love. Discussing things frankly is a sign of trust. With an attitude of being able to distinguish, we walked together into the maze built by our mother. And it was an adventure!

Show your wounds with pride! They need to be disinfected, cleaned, and bandaged, not cured with a little superstitious remedy. The more superstitious you are, the more likely the wound will become infected—so let's get rid of that superstitious thinking!

This is not complaining, not selling misery, but being realistic—and it's a great thing!

It may seem critical, but the core of the story is the purest love for her mother. If they had nothing to do with each other, there would be no bond of love, and there would be no reason for so much suffering over so many years—but they did have each other, and that's what matters!

At 70 years old, she was born in the early 1950s. Although she was born after liberation, she may have been influenced by the previous generation of caregivers and her thinking remained in the 1920s. The social environment at that time was challenging, but she was still able to embrace the opportunities that came with the liberation of productive forces!

With the liberation of productive forces, women had more opportunities to participate in social labor and be self-reliant. However, some women still chose the "shortcut" of relying on and worshipping men, just like women in a secluded mansion, longing for a long life and a tombstone.

The switch in thinking is fundamentally unwilling to turn to the channel of self-liberation — and it's about time!

The fascinatingly distorted portrait of the female mother written by Lu Xun is being experienced in reality. I wonder if the sages could have predicted that in the 2020s, more than 100 years later, this intriguing problem would still be fermenting through generations.

This is a kind of "powerful" negative energy, with feudal superstition, with moral bigotry; with unfathomable narcissism and low self-esteem. Stubborn, unreasonable, and distorted... When her daughter doesn't listen to her, she feels that everything is the fault of society and the times. Fighting to shift the blame... Constantly reminding her daughter to be grateful, she has lost the pride to set an example herself... But there's hope!

To resist the invasion of this negative energy, you simply need to awaken yourself and delve deeply into your growth history—and you can do both constantly!

You need to be able to grasp the essence of traditional culture to counteract the dross. And you need to know what to be truly grateful for!

It's time to find ways to gain personal space and win time for your inner growth!

What have you experienced from the age of 18 to 30?

There may have been many times when you forgave your mother and let it go (the pressure in the relationship was like a tsunami). Then, you created a self-abusive and lazy "comfort zone."

You may lose your autonomy and be forced to compromise, but you can gain back your freedom and autonomy!

When she is calm, she is also willing to acknowledge her mother's contribution to the family, which is great! But a woman's value can be reflected in the family, but not only in the family, which is an important point to remember.

In other words, the daughter's outcry is not a denial of the mother's value. It's a wake-up call! A reminder that you are a human being, and as such, you have diversity and possibilities. As a human being, you have the power to choose in which areas to express your value. You don't have to put on shackles and just cry and shout helplessly.

As a human being, you have the amazing opportunity to seize the good opportunities in society! Don't make absolute value judgments or comparisons. I respect your value as a human being, and I know you can respect yourself too!

I'm sure you're not afraid of a challenge! You're an optimistic person through and through.

When you have the chance to live your own life, you're instantly filled with joy!

When you're still being dragged by your mother's strength, you know that things are already changing because I'm not afraid of my mother's coercion anymore!

We have an amazing ability to examine ourselves three times a day! We can choose not to become like our mothers, and we can also avoid overcorrecting. We can fulfill our own beauty, and we can achieve an extraordinary life as an ordinary person!

Dear, I love you so much!

I also want to become a 5-star answerer through the sincere and true nature of text healing very soon! (Hug yourself!)

Greetings, question asker. My name is Jiang 61.

We would like to express our gratitude for your willingness to confide in us and share your experiences. Your decision to seek a solution to the problem you have outlined is commendable.

The distress you are experiencing is a direct result of your mother's long-standing tendency to treat you as a conduit for her own emotional issues. You have reached a point where you are no longer willing to tolerate this dynamic.

It is evident that you are motivated to resolve the issue at hand. In order to do so, it is imperative that we gain a deeper understanding of your mother's underlying needs and identify potential avenues for problem-solving.

It is essential to gain an understanding of your mother.

1. Behavior

The author makes a number of assumptions and engages in a great deal of self-speculation.

It is imperative to treat the questioner as an audience.

It is essential to listen to her experiences.

These experiences can be classified into two main categories: the first encompasses the mother's experiences from the child's point of view to the point of adulthood; the second category pertains to the marital relationship with her father, which is marked by a lack of harmony.

I can only communicate with you.

In her mother's opinion, the primary concern is the avoidance of disseminating family scandals beyond the family unit. Additionally, she discusses her personal experiences, noting that her father is unresponsive to her, leaving her with the sole option of communicating with her daughter.

2. Focus

From the mother's account, it is evident that she is preoccupied with two concerns: firstly, her long-term emotional experiences and secondly, her own personal distress.

3. Reason

It is essential to comprehend and articulate one's emotions.

When her mother experiences feelings of distress, such as anger, sadness, or frustration, she requires assistance in processing and understanding these emotions, as well as a means of expressing them. This enables her to achieve a sense of emotional stability and security.

The father is perceived as being indifferent to the situation.

The mother believes that her husband is indifferent to her emotional needs, and therefore seeks solace and support from her daughter.

4. The essence of the matter

The couple's relationship is characterized by a lack of harmony.

Mothers are limited in their ability to express their innermost feelings to others. This is due to the fact that, in many cases, mothers and fathers do not have a strong, intimate relationship. As a result, when mothers require attention and comfort, they often feel that they are unable to receive it in a timely manner.

A substitute for the paternal figure

Mothers are inherently vulnerable. When they experience difficulties and require a confidant, they often perceive a lack of reliable support, leading them to seek understanding and guidance from their daughters.

2. Your feelings

1. Inability to Communicate Effectively

However, the questioner perceives that some of the emotions expressed by her mother, such as experiences, pain, and worries, are merely fabricated, and there is also content that is conjectured. Consequently, she is unable to communicate effectively with her mother, which also causes the questioner distress, and even resistance when communicating with her mother.

2. Redeemer

The mother indicated that she was unable to discuss certain matters with individuals outside of the family, stating that she could only confide in her husband and that her daughter was the only person who could truly understand her. Consequently, she chose to confide in the questioner.

The questioner also perceives himself as a conduit for his mother's emotional release and a source of redemption.

3. Problems The following issues have been identified as requiring attention: 1. The couple has not established a good intimate relationship and communication channels.

1. The couple has not established a satisfactory intimate relationship or communication channels.

It is crucial for the mother to refrain from directly expressing her grievances to the father. The absence of a robust relationship between the two, coupled with the mother's lack of trust in the father, significantly impedes the development of an effective communication channel between them.

2. Roles are confused and boundaries are unclear.

The father has been unable to fulfill the role of a satisfactory husband within the family unit. Consequently, the mother has unwittingly placed her trust in her daughter to assume the responsibilities typically associated with the role of a husband. Additionally, the father has not assumed the duties and responsibilities associated with the role of a husband.

The mother requested that her daughter perform actions that should be the responsibility of the father, including providing care, affection, understanding, listening, and support. These requests exceeded the boundaries of what the mother's own family members should be responsible for.

4. Solutions To facilitate a change in the relationship between the parents, it is first necessary to assist the mother in overcoming her distrust of the father. Once this has been achieved, the parents should then endeavour to establish a good intimate relationship.

1. It is essential to establish a positive and intimate relationship between the parents.

If one wishes to alter the relationship between the parents, it is first necessary to assist the mother in overcoming her distrust of the father. Once this has been achieved, the parents must then be helped to establish a good intimate relationship.

It would be beneficial for the parents to learn the language of love.

It is recommended that parents be taught to utilize the five languages of love in order to foster a sense of trust and intimacy within the family unit. The five languages of love include: words of affirmation, gifts, thoughtful moments, acts of service, and physical touch.

It is essential to communicate effectively.

In any situation, the initial response is to communicate effectively with one's spouse. This entails addressing the issue at hand through a discussion encompassing factual information, ideas, emotions, and requests.

It is essential to enhance mutual trust.

2. Roles are reassigned to their appropriate positions, and boundaries are established.

A family meeting should be held to clarify the responsibilities and boundaries between parents and the subject in the family. This meeting will also serve to define the status and responsibilities of parents and the subject in the family.

It is essential to ensure that each individual's role is clearly defined and understood.

The meeting serves to clarify the respective roles and responsibilities of parents and the subject within the family unit. It also serves to delineate the boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable conduct for all parties involved.

Thirdly, assistance should be provided to the mother in managing her emotions.

In the event of the mother becoming emotionally distressed once more, she may choose to release her emotions in one of the following ways:

One potential avenue for emotional release is communication with one's father.

Additionally, one may choose to express their emotions through written communication.

Additionally, vocal expression, such as singing or shouting, can serve as a means of emotional release.

Furthermore, emotions can be transferred through sports.

Emotions may also be transferred through the medium of painting.

When the questioner assists their parents in determining the appropriate course of action, assuming responsibility for their actions, and processing their pent-up emotions, they can effectively overcome the dilemma.

In conclusion, the aforementioned methods represent the most effective approaches that I have observed and documented. I extend my sincerest wishes for your well-being and that of your parents.

Hello, Thank you for your question.

From what you have shared, it seems that your mother has experienced a great deal of suffering. This appears to have arisen from her family, from her husband, and there may also be some unresolved trauma in her original family.

As the child, your mother trusts you greatly and therefore shares her pain with you. However, this may result in you becoming the successor to the trauma, which could mean that you experience some trauma too. This could mean that you are affected by your mother's negative emotions and you are also affected by negative emotions yourself.

It is understandable that you feel the need to be a savior, but it is important to recognize that you cannot save anyone else. Other people's suffering can only be borne by other people, and it is not your place to bear it for them. Your mother needs your comfort and support, but it is crucial to avoid developing vicarious sympathy. Negative emotions can easily influence us, so it is essential to look at your mother's trauma from an objective perspective and rationally analyze her current situation. You have the option of seeking professional counseling or talking to someone on the Yi Xinli platform. Apart from you, he also has an external platform to talk to, which can help you avoid being disturbed by your mother's negative emotions. We cannot save anyone, only ourselves. It is important to learn to make correct and objective judgments and choices, and to try not to let emotions consume you.

I hope my answer is helpful to you.

Hello!

Take a step back and observe your mother's behavior!

"Being her audience since childhood": Did the mother realize that you were just a child when she shared the sorrows of life with you? Was this behavior appropriate?

I'd love to know if you think you'd do the same when you have children! And if you do, is it out of love for your child or out of your own need (to relieve your pain)?

Friends can't be told, husbands can't be told, "so you can only talk to your children," and this is the logic of mothers! But is this logic true?

If someone else were in your shoes and faced with the same problem, would they talk to a friend or their husband? It's possible that the mother is unwilling to face her own problems, such as self-doubt or marital discord. But here's the good news: by talking to her child, the mother sees the child as an antidote and a safe haven.

It's so important to observe the motives behind your actions!

It's every child's natural desire to make their parents happy and content!

You were her audience, and what a treat it was!

You're now in your thirties, and you've always wanted to fulfill your mother's hopes. It's so inspiring to see how much you want to "save" her!

Now, think about why you want to save your mother!

On the one hand, there is the natural love for your mother,

On the one hand, wouldn't it be incredible if you could be truly at peace when your mother is happy? And wouldn't it be amazing if you could get what you want?

Could it be that the desire to save your mother is also a child's desire for love?

And is there not also a part of narcissism behind saving your mother? (Forgive the bluntness.)

What are the consequences of continuing like this? Let's find out!

Forcing yourself to listen when you don't want to will drive you into a state of irritation. But you can do it!

Absolutely! You can save your mother. You can take responsibility for her.

Absolutely! You can really understand her suffering by listening to her again and again. And your understanding can really help your mother in a substantive way!

Or is it just postponing her pain and giving her the chance to face it?

There's a high risk of resistance to intimacy because "she" means suffering. But you can overcome this challenge!

Guess what! You may well attract someone who also needs saving.

If you have a close relationship, you'll bring these emotions into the relationship. It's totally normal! Resistance and anger that you can't express towards your mother will come up in your relationship with her.

4. Draw a clear boundary, respect your own feelings, and be centered on yourself. You can do this!

Your mother is already 70 years old, and you cannot change her. But she can take responsibility for her own life and emotions!

It's time to draw a clear boundary with your mother and decide what you can and cannot hear. When you don't want to hear something, simply and firmly tell her, "I really don't want to hear it."

It's time to try something new! Gradually distance yourself mentally and physically from the situation. You have the power to choose how you act, and being a good child is something you can do on your own terms.

Respect your own feelings and take responsibility for your own life!

Hello!

Your mother treats you as her only confidant, which brings you a lot of negative energy. You also want to care for your mother and help her, and you feel a lot of pressure.

Your mother's problems are related to her family and upbringing. Now that she constantly seeks you out to talk, she is only temporarily releasing her negative energy, which does not really solve her problems. Instead, it puts a lot of pressure on you.

Your mother is important to you, but you are two independent people. When she confides in you, protect yourself and don't get too involved in her emotions.

Her emotions are her responsibility.

I have a few suggestions.

First, talk to your mother.

Tell your mother that she makes you stressed. You have your own life to live, and you don't have the energy to take on her negativity. You hope she can be happy without dwelling on the past.

Second, understand your mother.

Your mother has suffered a lot and has been unable to find the right person to talk to. She only tells you so that she can feel better. You can ignore her and know that she is just using you.

Help your mother enjoy life.

Your mother may have spent her whole life taking care of her family and never really enjoyed her own life. You can help her by suggesting things she can do to have more fun, like watching TV, going to school, dancing, and practicing tai chi. This will make her life more enjoyable and help her to feel happy.

I'm Haru Aoki. I love you.